walking contradiction

25 years old.
a girl of irony.
studying in university of new south wales - ba/llb.
living and let live.
truly blessed by His and his love.

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Wednesday, May 11, 2011

i told myself that i should minimise my use of this blog as much as possible as it's meant to record only moments of negativity. i didn't realise that less than 30 weeks away from our wedding, i'll be penning something so negative about us.

when we first started out as a couple, you assured me that i'm your baby and that you'll never intentionally hurt me. now, 4 years down the road, why am i crying this badly? my final semester is coming to its end soon and i should be joyful about my return back to singapore, back to my family and friends and, most importantly, back to you. yet, you managed to make me feel that my return home is a bad thing, something that should never occur, that perhaps, it's best that i remain out of your life as much as possible.

i never realised how much of an inconvenience it was for you to do something for me. i asked you last year end to assist me in my move back. you agreed and i told you to keep mid-end june free, as i wasn't certain as to when my exams will end yet. in march/april, you dropped the first bomb. you said that you have agreed to help a friend for a CD and would like to perform at the launch, scheduled to be on the 24th June. i was extremely disappointed and argued with you. to me, you demonstrated that you can't be relied upon. i told you how i felt and, naturally, you got upset. i reasoned with you as best as i could and finally, you agreed with me that this is something that you've promised me and because of that, you'll keep to it and reject the performance at that launch.

a month or slightly more later, you decided to do the same again. this time round, it was for your malay band. you expected me to sacrifice 72 hours of your help, so that you can perform at a couple hours' gig. what did you want me to say? yes? have i not made it clear to you by then why i needed a week from you to do the move? have i not given you enough time to make alternative arrangements? why is it that when crunch time comes, i'm always expected to yield? when i don't, why am i met with terms like "unreasonable" and "not supportive"? why can't you understand that i've made the request in advance notice and that your, not once but twice, requests to get me to alter to your plans signifies to me, that your help can only be provided to me at your convenience? i'm not a friend. i'm not just your girlfriend. i'm your fiancee. i'm your wife-to-be. surely, that meant something right?

you asked me whether i still wanna marry you. frankly, i really want to. it breaks my heart when i came to realise that it appears that i'm such an inconvenience to you. that everything i request of you is an inconvenience that you will only do at your convenience. tell me, do you expect me to ask God to delay the birth of our child, just so that you can make that gig of yours? do you expect me to ask God to give me time to allow you to finish playing your gig so that we can bid our final farewell upon my deathbed? tell me, what do you expect me to do?

my heart is broken.
my faith is shaken.
tell me, how am i supposed to carry forth?

hearts 01:54:00
0 spoken words