walking contradiction

25 years old.
a girl of irony.
studying in university of new south wales - ba/llb.
living and let live.
truly blessed by His and his love.

Created by Wedding Favors

time constrained

another dimension

partners in crime
benje. carol. crystal. daniel ho. davina. doreen. evelyn. ingrid. iniQx. jac. jess. julian. karen. kimberly. leon. li en. mabel. melissa. nick. shirley. stefan. xiaowei. yee huat. yusuf. zhong ying.

communication channels
christian forum. keeptouch forum. heartlight. save our tree e-magazine. yesterday .sg. good morning yesterday. riverlife. 陳志明.
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. feelings and thoughts .

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many bows
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designer: sweet_surrender
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Friday, June 29, 2007

photos of wednesday's mambo, courtesy of my laydee - zhongying!

i can't remember what we had that night but from what i remember, i had round the world, long island tea, apple shooters, vodka redbull and i think that's about it. :)

hearts 11:20:00
0 spoken words

Tuesday, June 26, 2007

less than 24 hours to go before i board the plane for freaking humid singapore.
the guys and the ladies headed down to kopitiam for a nice dinner before going over to bar broadway for a beer or two.
i know my paper is tomorrow but hey, it's open-book and i'm leaving!

at kopitiam where we had mapo tofu, vegetable omelette, sweet & sour pork, mongolian lamb, beef rendang, sauteed chicken with cashew nuts and fish sambal, costing us all about $15 each!

the guys at bar broadway - junior, jason, charles and nick

speak no evil, hear no evil, see no evil!

me with tina.

davina with tina.

tina, junior, jason, nick and i.

and now, introducing the gang!

hearts 00:24:00
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Sunday, June 24, 2007

i was thinking how i'm gonna keep in touch with the big brother house until today.

andrew got evicted.! *sob*

this sucks.

i'm not updating myself on the big brother house anymore.

i can now fully enjoy singapore and not worry if my favorite housemate left.
but still, i rather not fully enjoy and worry cos he so deserves to be in there, as opposed to 2 ladies.

hearts 21:18:00
0 spoken words

Saturday, June 23, 2007

today, i just feel like drinking and getting drunk.
i wanna do a hobo again. :(

i miss holidays.

hearts 18:10:00
0 spoken words

Friday, June 22, 2007

i'm just a weekend and a day away from humidity.
i'm just a weekend and a day away from air-conditioned rooms.
i'm just a weekend and a day away from sleeveless and shorts.
i'm just a weekend and a day away from late night suppers and talks.

oh, i'm all just waiting for a weekend and a day to pass.

hearts 21:54:00
0 spoken words

Thursday, June 21, 2007

it's freaking weird alright.
for the past few nights, i've been having really weird dreams...
of the ex-es in my life.

it started with m.
then it got to j the next.
then followed by e.

it's like my brain is subconsciously sifting through them to create sleepless nights for me.

awesome job, my brain.
what's more, exam is just round the corner!

hearts 01:04:00
0 spoken words

Tuesday, June 19, 2007

years of dreaming of entering a university and having discourses with professors,
suddenly, an opportunity is placed in front of me (well, in my email at least).
and i'm at a loss as i do not know what or how to respond to that email.
i'm still in shock and, possibly, in awe that a professor will email me about my work.

gosh. i'm flabbergasted.

hearts 23:37:00
0 spoken words

Monday, June 18, 2007

started to pack my luggage today.
it suddenly feels kinda weird.
after watching clockwork orange numerous times,
i start to wonder about the meaning of home.

where is my home?
i'm not saying that i don't have a home
or that i don't belong in my family.
rather, i feel as if i'm fitted with a wandering soul.

i never feel quite right in one place.
it's as if every now and then,
i'll feel as if i've overstayed my welcome
and hurry away to another place.

will i ever find my footing?
or am i like the sailors of the past,
or the pirates traveling the oceans for loots?
i wonder, i truly wonder.

hearts 23:25:00
0 spoken words

Saturday, June 16, 2007

Nine Lasts
1. Last cigarette: i can't remember man.
2. Last beverage: yakultt.
3. Last phone call: james, to wish him happy wedding!
4. Last text message: baby.
5. Last CD played: i haven't played a CD in ages. probably damien leith's album.
6. Last bubble bath: i can't remember man.
7. Last time you cried: quite a while back. i'm banned from crying actually. lol.
8. Last meal: chicken curry with potato and scallops with oyster mushrooms and prawns.
9. Last Bf : current or last? last was confusing. current, much clearer.

Eight Have You’s
1. Have you ever dated someone twice? yeah.
2. Have you ever been cheated on? yeah.
3. Have you ever bought condoms? yeah.
4. Have you ever kissed someone ®reted it? what does this mean? -confused-
5. Have you ever fallen in love? yeah. if that's what i think love is.
6. Have you ever lost someone? yes. the most painful loss.
7. Have you ever been drunk and thrownup? yeah.
8. Have you ever kill an animal? er. i kill cockroaches.

Name SEVEN things you did in the past three days
1. groceries shop.
2. bought a new heater.
3. went for dav's SUMS's performance.
4. skyped and talked on the phone with my man.
5. blogged.
6. police the forum.
7. my stupid english essay.

List THREE people you can tell pretty much anything to
1. my man.
2. my dead but alive buddy. (don't ask me how that works, it just does.)
3. the laydees, pretty much. :)

List THREE favorite colors
1. black
2. white.
3. blue.

List TWO things you want to do before you die
1. travel around the world.
2. do something good for the society like be a pro-bono lawyer.

Been to school- yeah.
Made a new friend- yeah.
Fallen out of love - nope.
Done something you swore never to do- like what? -thinks- oh ya. i cried.
Laughed until you cried- yeah. damn freaking long ago.
Went behind your parents back- i'm hardly in singapore, how do i do that?
Met someone who changed your life- yeah.
Gotten close to someone- yeah.
Found out who your true friends were- yeah.

1. Bush? it's time to step down!
2. Gay Marriage? equality! we are all humans afterall!
4. Straight, Gay, Bi? Bi.
5. Do you have a crush? i always have a crush.
6. Who is the best hugger that you know? i don't know. everyone and anyone who is genuine and sincere about their hugs.
7. Do you believe in love at first sight? no? that's like fairytale but i once did.
8. Is there something you want to tell someone? i've lotsa things to tell anyone and everyone. :D
9. What brand of shirt are you wearing? FILA
10. Would you kiss anyone on your top friends? why not?
11. Do you have “A thing” for anyone on your top friends? hmm. that's for me to know and for you to guess. :D
12. How many people on your friends list? err. good one.
13. How many kids do you want to have? i would love to say that i'll have as many kids as possible but seriously, imagine a kid raising another kid! it'll be disastrous so no! no kids!
14. Do you have a good relationship with your parents? er. it's not bad...
15. Do you wanna change your name? i always wanna change my name then i just fall in love with my name all over again.
16. What did you do for your last birthday? i cried at a bar. isn't that fantastic? and of course, i had karaoke and the best japanese meal!
17. What time did you wake up today? 1ish pm.
18. What were you doing at midnight last night? talking on skype and phone.
19. Name something you CANNOT wait to do: be cursing and swearing at singapore's crazy weather.
20. Last time you saw your dad? before i came back to sydney.
21. What is one thing you wish you could change about yourself? be less skeptical.
22. Which hand do you like better? i'm actually quite fine with both.
23. What are you listening to right now? my heater's fan.
24. Have you ever talked to someone named Sidney? yeah.
25. Have you ever donated money to a good cause? yeah.
26. Have you ever talked about someone behind their back? who hasn't?
27. Least favorite month? june/november. it spells exam.
28. What’s the last piece of clothing you borrowed from anyone? er. i'm not sure really.
29. Who’s getting on your nerves right now? my man! for not being able to decide whether he wanna buy a new thingy or keep the old! heh. just kidding. :D

hearts 21:59:00
0 spoken words

Friday, June 15, 2007

as the day to returning draws nearer,
my emotions are getting more and more jumbled.

i'm so tired of crying over you but every time i think of you, my tears would threaten to flow.
it doesn't feel like you have been gone at all.
i still feel you here, beside me, guiding me, holding me.
it's not right, is it?

i'm living in yesterdays but i don't wanna go to todays or tomorrows if you ain't gonna be there.
if i am to graduate tomorrow, will you be there, smiling and telling me how proud you are of me?
if i am to marry tomorrow, will you be there, in laughters and joy, telling me how happy you are for me?

the big events in my life, you're gonna miss.
the big events in your life, i'm gonna miss.

but most of all, i miss you and i'm dreading to go home to realise that you are really gone once again.

i love you, bud.

hearts 15:46:00
0 spoken words

Wednesday, June 13, 2007

there was a particular drama serial that i love so much that it would make me cry whenever i watch it.
it was a channel 8 drama serial that tugged on my heart and made me realise that i was human afterall.

a love that span 3 generations and more.
a love that never ends as time takes it toll on us.
a love that is so strong that he's willing to give up all.

immortal love.
my love.
i love.

hearts 16:31:00
0 spoken words

Monday, June 11, 2007

this has been weighing on my mind constantly since i came back to sydney.
i love my friends and i respect their decisions on whether they would let me in on their little secrets, new revelations and/or any other special events in their lives.

i don't feel a desperate need to get them all aired out right for me and i don't demand them to do so. i don't feel cheated or betrayed if they failed to inform me and i found out somewhere somehow. cos i understand that my friends have a life of their own and at times, there are other more important things for them to do then to keep all their friends update, individually, of the on-goings in their lives.

since i came back to sydney, there have been a couple of friends who made me feel that i'm required to inform them of any new happenings in my life, first up. if i failed to do so, i'll be chastised. i'm not comfortable with that cos i don't understand the need behind it. it's my life and you're my friends. if i do not lament about how i was left out from your life's happenings, why should you?

i just hope that some of you will now understand my point of view and stop giving me those guilt-trip craps cos honestly, i don't give a bull about it. i care for you guys as friends and thus, i decided to make this entry but if there's any further bulls about stuff like that, i promise you that i will no longer be nice.

but of course, on the hindsight, i have lotsa great friends who share my trains of thoughts and never made me feel obliged to report to them my happenings in life. and for them, i'm truly grateful. :)

hearts 18:14:00
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Saturday, June 09, 2007

my first try at chicken katsu. :D

hearts 01:25:00
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Wednesday, June 06, 2007

i wanted to go for a short get-away.
just to get away from the bustling cities.

but now, i don't feel like doing anything at all.
this is just one of those days that i just sit back and wonder, what a fucking spoilt brat i am.

hearts 01:44:00
0 spoken words

Sunday, June 03, 2007

royal shakespeare company is making their way to singapore, their only asian stop!
and ian mckellan (yes, gandalf/magneto!) is part of the cast.
two frantic phonecalls were made back to singapore.

after learning that my mum is gonna pay for my tickets!! YAY!

after i recovered from shock and learnt that my man is willing to dish out the cash to watch it with me as a present for my birthday as wel! JOY!

hearts 00:50:00
0 spoken words

Saturday, June 02, 2007

seated in the first row of the entire bar stage.
the voice of an angel just an arm's length away (ok. maybe two.)
i melted and i suddenly felt a chill as i feel my goose pimples pricking up.
he has done it again and my heart was completely taken.

did i mention that his angelic voice captivates my heart?

hearts 00:19:00
0 spoken words

Friday, June 01, 2007

There’s this sense in always talking
Pretending you’re on top
When you’re so far down below
Who’s he know

What’s the use of doing something
That makes you feel so low and sad
You’re fooling yourself
Oh you’re fooling yourself

And I see you feel you’re walking on your own
Won’t you come to me
Maybe then we’ll see
What I can do
And when you’re falling on your own
I’ll help you to your feet
I’ll help you carry on

You’ve been hiding all your life
Waiting for the day
When someone sees through your eyes
Lies behind

While the world keeps spinning timely
Nothing changes years behind
You don’t wait until that
Oh don’t wait until that

And I see you feel you’re walking on your own
Won’t you come to me
Maybe then we’ll see
What I can do
And when you’re falling on your own
I’ll help you to your feet
I’ll help you carry on

And I’ll go there with you
And I’ll go there with you
And I’ll go there with you
And I’ll go there with you

And I see you feel you’re walking on your own
Won’t you come to me
Maybe then you’ll see
What I can do
And when you’re falling on your own
I’ll help you to your feet
Help you carry on.

-- Damien Leith's Come to Me

and it has been 11 months since i said goodbye to you.
soon, it'll be a year.

let my tears flow for they have been dying to be let out of their prison.
let my voice crack for they have been straining to keep up.

i miss you.
it has not been easier,
i've just became numb.

i love you.

hearts 14:37:00
0 spoken words