walking contradiction

25 years old.
a girl of irony.
studying in university of new south wales - ba/llb.
living and let live.
truly blessed by His and his love.

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time constrained


another dimension



partners in crime
benje. carol. crystal. daniel ho. davina. doreen. evelyn. ingrid. iniQx. jac. jess. julian. karen. kimberly. leon. li en. mabel. melissa. nick. shirley. stefan. xiaowei. yee huat. yusuf. zhong ying.


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. feelings and thoughts .

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Monday, February 28, 2005

Tempted to make a trip down.
Temptation.
To drink myself silly.

hearts 00:55:00
0 spoken words

Saturday, February 26, 2005

Indispensibility.

I know where I stand now after the conversation on Wednesday night.
Never realised I can lose all emotions in less than 24 hours.

Like a walking zombie,
Stiff facial expressions
Greeted the likes of you.
Questions you asked;
Answers unable to make.

Took a long lonely walk
Through my solitary mind.
Heard the sound of sobs,
Saw a broken, tainted doll
And the heart ran from it's captor.

Loss of feelings and desire,
Emoting for the sake of it.
Questions you kept asking
Answers I kept denying.
When all's lost, it's lost.

hearts 17:14:00
0 spoken words

Friday, February 25, 2005

Headache.
Massina.
Proscratination.

-sticks out my tongue-

hearts 01:11:00
0 spoken words

Thursday, February 24, 2005

An expiry date.
That's what it has.

Yet, the date is not on any lids.
It's hidden.

So how do I determine when exactly should I throw it out before everything turns sour...

hearts 03:27:00
0 spoken words

Tuesday, February 22, 2005

I'm confused by myself.

hearts 18:01:00
0 spoken words

Monday, February 21, 2005

I'm feeling tired.
My head hurts.
Hell claims me.

hearts 00:47:00
0 spoken words

Sunday, February 20, 2005

I love you.

If you truly read my blog often, send me a message and let me know how you feel...

hearts 05:10:00
0 spoken words

Saturday, February 19, 2005

It's true that we've been arguing alot lately.
Though, I really wanna know why I'm being such,
I'm also afraid of finding it out.

Let there be silence.. and let silence over-run.

hearts 17:42:00
0 spoken words

Friday, February 18, 2005

Feeling sad about some stuff that I should just turn a blind eye to.

Yet I can't.

hearts 03:40:00
0 spoken words

Thursday, February 17, 2005

You're here by my side.
It's called bliss but for how long?

hearts 03:42:00
0 spoken words

Tuesday, February 15, 2005

I'm very grateful for what you've done.
I'm very grateful for the things you've said to me.
I'm very grateful for everything.

Thanks.

hearts 21:58:00
0 spoken words

Monday, February 14, 2005

The sudden change.
Weirds me out.

Like totally.

hearts 02:30:00
0 spoken words

Sunday, February 13, 2005

There's this weathering technique for boulders to be split into smaller halves. It's called the "freeze and thaw" action.

I feel as if our relationship is like the boulder, it had a small crack in the beginning and we left water to collect in that little crack. Time passed and now the crack is no longer just a small crack, it's beginning to split us apart. And you just let it go on...

hearts 04:06:00
0 spoken words

Saturday, February 12, 2005

US Marines filled Orchard Road today.

Yummy. -grins-

hearts 02:46:00
0 spoken words

Thursday, February 10, 2005

Guess you didn't realise that your call last night just sealed it further.

You were saying that my breakdown on Chinese New Year's Eve warranted attention from you. Then you told me you took leave on Friday cos I supposedly told you I'm free on that day. Of course I never said those stuff but whatever, I told you I had school and you were like, "You were the one who told me you're free to meet on Friday..."

I AM free to meet on Friday, just not in the morning or afternoon but somehow, that eluded you and you told me that Friday night, you'll have to go your friend's place. Then I said, "Forget it then. Just go enjoy yourself. I'll be ok." Then you kept insisting that my breakdown on that night needed to be attended to and you suggested meeting on Monday.

When I said I don't think it's possible for us to meet on Monday, you keep saying, "Why not?" till I reminded you that I have school from 1000hrs - 1500hrs. After hearing that, you still had the cheek to say that it's ok, you can meet me for a while before you go spend time with her.

You have no idea that along with the 'breakdown', I have also given up.
Given up hope that you'll EVER realise what I really need.
Given up hope that you'll EVER see the point I've been trying to drive at for months.

I've given up... I'm exasperated... My heart turned cold.

hearts 23:38:00
0 spoken words


Grew up in a small town
And when the rain would fall down
I just stared out my window
Dreaming of what could be
And if I'd end up happy
I would pray

Trying hard to reach out
But when I'd try to speak out
Felt like no one could hear me
Wanted to belong here
But something felt so wrong here
So I pray
I could breakaway

[CHORUS:]
I'll spread my wings and I'll learn how to fly
I'll do what it takes till' I touch the sky
I'll make a wish
Take a chance
Make a change
And breakaway
Out of the darkness and into the sun
But I won't forget all the ones that I loved
I'll take a risk
Take a chance
Make a change
And breakaway

Wanna feel the warm breeze
Sleep under a palm tree
Feel the rush of the ocean
Get on board a fast train
Travel on a jet plane, far away
And breakaway

[CHORUS]

Buildings with a hundred floors
Swinging around revolving doors
Maybe I don't know where they'll take me but
Gotta keep moving on, moving on
Fly away breakaway

I'll spread my wings
And I'll learn how to fly
Though it's not easy to tell you goodbye
I gotta take a risk
Take a chance
Make a change
And breakaway
Out of the darkness and into the sun
But I won't forget the place I come from
I gotta take a risk
Take a chance
Make a change
And breakaway

-- Kelly Clarkson's Breakaway

hearts 01:27:00
0 spoken words


Four more months to an entire year since the entire incident.
Yet the trauma still lingers...

Spoke to you last night.

You left me more than heartbroken.
You left me speechless.
You left me crying.

You were frustrated at me cos you were tired.
You were exasperated by my demands.
You were speechless when I told you that I wanted your actions to fit your words.

But your last explanation spelt everything out.

Thanks for everything.
Thanks for your care.
Thanks for your concern.
Thanks for your love.

Thank you.

hearts 00:50:00
0 spoken words

Wednesday, February 09, 2005

I've been asking for too much.

I think I should just keep my mouth shut and leave.

Have not been able to spend a CNY eve without tears brimming for a long time...

hearts 00:04:00
0 spoken words

Tuesday, February 08, 2005


adopt your own virtual pet!

hearts 18:27:00
0 spoken words


Why am I being so quarrelsome of late?

Somehow, I just keep picking fine details to just irritate you further.
Your patience will wear thin and when you finally snap, how will I react?

Or...

If I finally withdrew entirely, how will you react?

hearts 18:00:00
0 spoken words

Sunday, February 06, 2005

4th February 2005

My day really started only when he called me to meet him at SAFRA Yishun. Didn't really understand that emptiness that dwelled deep within me. When I finally did meet him, he said I looked rather angry and aloof. He tried means and ways to cheer me up but somehow, I was just not up to it.

Towards the end of the game, his phone rang and somehow, I felt that the call was from her. I, instinctively, took off from my seat, walked towards the toilet before deciding to just walk out of Cathay Bowl. His friends were at the door so I couldn't just leave. I waited for him whilst contemplating why I'm still in this relationship.

We went down to Boat Quay and I withdrew some cash. I told him that I wanted to go look for my friends and will join him later. He looked unhappy but that's what I really wanted at that time. I walked into Passion to say hi to Agnes. She's one Christian sister I've found in the midst of my dwelling in hell. She has been really looking out for me and constantly pushed me to thinking about God all the time. I didn't stay for long but I promised her that I would drop by again soon. Shin Bar was next on my list. I went down to look for Mervin and his friends. Drank and laughed quite a bit. Then he called as I told him I'm leaving their company soon and wanted to find out where's the pub they were heading towards.

He told me he was still around the corner, at one of the food stalls. I went to look for him but I forgot to bring my bag along. I told him that I needed to go back, talk to them a little more before grabbing my bag and leave. He just kept asking why and made some remarks about wanting to hit Mervin. I was rather unhappy cos I felt that the entire incident was my fault. It takes two hands to clap but that's a logic that somehow, he prefered to shy away from.

Went back into Shin Bar and had a couple more drinks before deciding I should really leave. I didn't want the night to end on a sour note for him and I, especially since I know I will have a harder time the next day just thinking about whether he's fucking her, etc. He told me he was at a pub opposite of Passion and I went to look for him. The place had a nice decoration - plain and simple - but small. He ordered a jug of Long Island Tea and we drank. We talked about lots of stuff.

Talked about her. Talked about us. He kept assuring me that he's not sleeping with her or anyone, for that matter, since we were together. I kept giving a cynical view about all these things and replied him what Mervin once said to me, after we broke up.

"I'll never have sex with the girl I love till the day after we're married. Sex before marriage is for people I'm not that interested in..."

When he heard that line, he kept going on that he's not treating me like a sex partner and that he really loves me. That's when, in that drunken state of mind, I realised he never once said that he doesn't love her. Realising what a fool I am, I just kept on drinking. I've keeping silent for so long before I lashed out yesterday. He sent me home after that, so much for wanting the night to end on a positive tone. I kept pushing him away in the cab ride home. Kept keeping to myself throughout the journey.

When I finally lay my head onto my pillow, I took out my phone and began a string of messages to him.

"sorry."

"Its ok. I know its hard on u. Will call u on sunday, then we talk ok?"

"nvm."

"frankly, as your gf, have i failed in anyway? tell me honestly, how do u feel about me? i'm getting so tired at second guessing everything, that at times i feel that i should just give up."

"I already told u alot of times, u are a wonderful girl. No need to guess and dun give up on me dear."

"it's gettin difficult. so difficult."

"Dear i reach home le. Anything u wanna tell me we'll talk over on sunday night."

"bye."

After the last message, he immediately called me and asked,

"What do you mean by bye?"

I just mumbled something in reply and he was like,

"I know you're tired. We'll talk things over on Sunday k?"

I just muttered some reply and hung up. I just wasn't up to talking to him.

5th February 2005

My brother asked me out for a bowling session. Broke my nail as a result but as I bowled, I had a little time to myself to think.

Kept thinking about lots of negative stuff. Kept wondering if I were to meet with an accident today, will he care enough to abandon all and rush to my side? Or will he simply harbor the fear till Sunday comes... Then my thoughts drifted to the future and I started thinking, won't it be great if I left on a Saturday night for further studies. I'll just use my phone and make a call to him, knowing he'll definitely cancel my call, leave a voicemail stating that I'm leaving and that that's my final goodbye to him. I wonder what will his reaction be?

It's amazing how I can be so manipulative yet I still feel so trapped in my little world. Sunday has dawned upon me and I've work later. Now, all I'm praying for is that when I do finally leave, may I be strong enough to resist emotions, temptations and, the biggest obstacle of all, myself.

-----*-----

I love you but sometimes, I'm so confuse that I wish I never knew this love.

hearts 02:43:00
0 spoken words

Saturday, February 05, 2005

Has the sun not set
On this solitary night?
That glow within dark
Romances the lovers' park.

Such beautiful art shown
By nature's paint very own,
One marvels and celebrates
God's talent as He creates.

Will His love ever be honored
And loved by the world?
Will His mercy be enough
For the greedy and the poor?

Ah! The beauty of His
Will forever be relished.
And His love will stand victorious
Amongst the desolate and precarious.

hearts 13:46:00
0 spoken words

Friday, February 04, 2005

You have been pleasing me all day long and sometimes,

I wonder why.

hearts 18:49:00
0 spoken words

Thursday, February 03, 2005

All of a sudden, I felt the urge to just walk away.

Walk away from your voice.
Walk away from your arms.
Walk away from your presence.
Walk away from your lingering smell.

There was just no explanations.
Only knew your words were lies.

hearts 02:57:00
0 spoken words

Wednesday, February 02, 2005

Christine:
In sleep he sang to me
In dreams he came
That voice which calls to me
And speaks my name
And do I dream again?
For now I find
The phantom of the opera is there,
Inside my mind

Phantom:
Sing once again with me
Our strange duet
My power over you
Grows stronger yet
And though you turn from me
to glance behind
The phantom of the opera is there
Inside your mind

Christine:
Those who have seen your face
Draw back in fear
I am the mask you wear

Phantom:
It's me they hear

Both:
My/Your spirit and my/your voice
In one combined
The phantom of the opera is there
inside my/your mind

Chorus:
Is that the phantom of the opera?
Beware the phantom of the opera

Phantom:
In all your fantasies you always knew
That man and mystery

Christine:
Were both in you

Both:
And in this labrinth
Where night is blind
The Phantom of the opera is here/there

Christine:
Inside my mind

Phantom:
Sing, my Angel of Music!

CHRISTINE
He's there,
the Phantom of the Opera . .

-- Phantom of the Opera

hearts 17:57:00
0 spoken words


You didn't have to tell me that but well, I'm glad you did.

hearts 17:27:00
0 spoken words

Tuesday, February 01, 2005


When the world closed its eyes, he opened his arms.


Synopsis: Ten years ago, some of the worst atrocities in the history of mankind took place in the country of Rwanda - and in an era of high-speed communication and round-the-clock news, the events went almost unnoticed by the rest of the world. In only three months, almost 1 million people were brutally murdered. In the face of these unspeakable actions, inspired by his love for his family, an ordinary man summons extraordinary courage to save the lives of over a thousand helpless refugees by granting them shelter in the hotel he manages. Harrowing and deeply moving, Hotel Rwanda is his story.

-----*-----

This movie was based on a true life account and the show was beautiful. I saw how helpless the UN troops were. Not allowed to shoot, not allowed to do this... do that. They have all the power necessary but they are not able to act! Gary did enlighten me further as to why they are not able to fully utilise the power but I was too angry with the UN by then to listen.

What totally set my waterworks going were when I saw the West sent troops down, in the movie, only to escort their fellow citizens OUT of Rwanda. They didn't even bother to stay and help. They just pack all their citizens into buses. Foreign priests and nuns had to be pulled away from the orphans whom they've been caring about, and onto the bus.

Then I saw how Paul made the most heartbreaking decision when his family was about to be escorted to leave the country. He got his family boarded onto the truck and send them away as he chose to stay behind to help his fellow citizens further. When he realised that the convoys were to be attacked, he panicked, cried and ran towards the bus to rush to his family. The panic on his face... the love he had for his people. It was amazing. But still, the West did nothing. The Tutsi rebels drove the Hutu militants away 3 months later. And the price the West paid for doing nothing? 1 million lives lost.

hearts 16:54:00
0 spoken words