walking contradiction

25 years old.
a girl of irony.
studying in university of new south wales - ba/llb.
living and let live.
truly blessed by His and his love.

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Wednesday, January 31, 2007

questions, questions, questions,
lacking in its most lovely partner.
the night of moon, stars, company,
tainted with just a guarded heart.

the first on his list was of the smiles.
many a nights spend in indulgence,
an assurance needed for his heart.
smiles, kisses, how could she not?

next up he sought for the cares.
the coughs and the gentle pats,
her eyes tell not her thoughts.
actions speaks greater she thinks.

this sidekick was never much gone,
only a little hidden in the shadows.
the guarded heart tainted no longer,
his company has long melted her heart.

hearts 05:03:00
0 spoken words

Tuesday, January 30, 2007

bird got me a handphone chain. doesn't it just look cute with that pig at the other end?

hearts 20:52:00
0 spoken words

the story that broke my walls of defence

Eric fought to hold back the angry tears, glistening in his bloodshot eyes. He lifted his head and glazed at the stars twinkling upon the midnight sky. The world seemed so peaceful tonight. Everything looked fine.Faint sounds of crickets in the overgrown grass, the occasional roar of car speeding by... Everything looked fine but to Eric, it wasn't. His lips quivered and his hands shook with emotion. Without meaning to, Eric started bawling. What had he done? He thought about the times he had with Regine. Times that he never treasured.
Eric and Regine had known each other since forever. They were in the same school for 7 years and they had even been in the same class for a couple of years. Regine had been a really great friend. Although not exactly drop dead gorgeous, Regine was beautiful in her own way. She had a certain style, which you cannot describe. Maybe it was the way she carried herself or the sensitivity reflected in her almond-shaped eyes... There was definitely a certain grace about her. Eric knew that he could always count on Regine.

She was always there for him, helping him all that she could. She was a really great friend, always so giving and thoughtful. At that time, Eric was in love with Angel, the most beautiful girl in the class. Angel was absolutely gorgeous, with her striking, trim figure, long silky hair and flawless complexion. Eric wasn't the only one who was totally crazy about her. He confided this to no one but Regine. Regine didn't like Angel. She thought Angel was somehow proteins but being the good friend she always was, Regine gave Eric her full support and even devoted her to endless hours on the phone, listening to Eric mooning over his dream girl. Eric remembered the day Regine went with him to the florist to pick out some flowers for Angel. It was supposed to be a St. Valentine's Day bouquet and he had wanted it to be a special one. Regine had put together a beautiful bouquet of roses, complete with baby's breath.

Eric took the magnificent bunch to school the next day and waited by the gate for Angel to come. He was nervous and his knees had turned to jelly. What if Angel doesn't like it? Just then, Regine came by. She nodded to him and gave him an encouraging smile. His confidence immediately went up several notches. Eric glanced down at the bouquet and discovered that on the tip of the petal of one rose was turning slightly brown. He frowned. Though it was hardly noticeable, he took it out of the bouquet. He could not give that to Angel. Angel deserved the best. Eric caught up with Regine and gave her the brown-tipped rose. He meant to ask her to throw it away before Angel could see it. Regine's eyes widen, as she took the rose. "Is that for me? Thanks, Eric." Her eyes shone with happiness as she gave him a wide smile. "Oh erm...yeah." Eric didn't know what to say. Regine gave him a slight push. "Go and wait for Angel now. She would be here any minute." Eric ran off thankfully, a little ashamed of himself. But his guilt vanished as soon as he saw Angel coming into the school gate. He pushed the flowers eagerly into Angel's hands and glazed at her like a hopeful little dog. Angel took the flowers and gave him a hundred-megawatt smile. Eric was over the moon.

The next few weeks were followed by long phone calls, moonlight walks and lovely dove words. Eric felt like he was the happiest guy on earth. He began to see less and less of Regine and felt a little guilty about that. But he always brushed it off by thinking that Regine would understand that he had got to care for his girlfriend now. As days passed, Angel started giving him the cold shoulder. Finally one day, Angel told Eric that she did not want to see him anymore. "The thrill is gone." She said in a cold sort of voice. Seconds later, she sped away with some guy on a Harley Davidson, leaving Eric in the dust. His world came crushing down on him. Within an hour, everyone learnt about it and they were snickering and making some "toad thinks he could have swan meat" remarks. Eric felt that his world was bleak. He felt trapped, as though he was in a long, endless tunnel in total darkness.

That was when a warm glow of light appeared at the other end of the tunnel... Regine. She had picked up all the broken pieces and tried to fix it all back in one piece. She was a real friend. One night, Eric and Regine were sitting in the cafe for their usual coffee. Eric began telling Regine all about the scenario with Angel and how he still loved her. He did not notice that Regine was strangely quiet until she suddenly spoke. "Eric, there's something I want to say." Eric looked at her solemn, sad face in alarm. "What is it, Regine?" She gripped her hands tightly until her knuckles turned white. "Eric... I like you." she whispered. "Regine, I like you too. In fact, I think of you as my very best friend." "No, Eric, you don't understand. I like you. I mean...really like you." Eric gasped in disbelief. He looked as though he had been slapped across the face. "Regine, you don't mean that!" he protested. Regine nodded miserably, a tear trickling down the side of her face. "But you can't, Regine. I like Angel." Eric continued weakly. "I know, Eric. I'm not asking anything. I just want you to know because...because...I can't bear to help you with Angel anymore. I cannot lie to myself any longer. I'll go mad, I really will, Eric." Regine broke down sobbing.

The night ended in a very awkward way. Neither of them spoke to each other. They had said a hurried goodbye and went their own separate ways. They never spoke to each other again. Eric slumped himself on the ground; his chest heaving and his breath quicken with every sob. He had been so blind! He had finally realized what a fool he had been. How could he NOT notice the false, insincere smile of Angel's? The sacarstism in her sickly sweet voice and her laughter which sounded like fingernails on a chalkboard... How could he have ever thought she was beautiful? And how could she ever compared with Regine...Regine, who was so touched by an imperfect rose with a brown tip...who was so giving, so appreciative... who was always there to pick him up after his falls... And he had never even given her a decent rose... Why did he only realize it now??? WHY???

Well, what he could do now was to go and find Regine and patch things up with her. Then, they will live happily after, right? Wrong.

Because Regine is dead. She had been sitting in her balcony, looking at the rose that Eric had given her, only that it was all brown and crumpled now. Nevertheless, she still kept it and looked at it all the time. The wind had swept the flower out of her hand and in her haste to retrieve it; Regine had fallen off the balcony. Eric never had the chance to tell her anything and he never will again. He had shut his heart to Regine after what happened with Angel. He had not evened really liked Angel but he THOUGHT he had. It was too late to realize that now. Dawn broke, sending streaks of sunlight over the morning sky. Eric recalled what Regine had said to him once before. "Let the break of dawn mark a new beginning. Leave all your troubles behind." He would do just that. He had depended too much on Regine to pick up all his broken pieces. He had to do that himself now. He owed Regine that much. Eric took a last glance at Regine's freshly dug grave, whirled round and walked off slowly, leaving the shadows of the past behind him...


since the day you walked away and left me behind, my heart has never healed. my charade is up for the world to see yet my heart tears as i walk the streets of singapore. i just wish to join you soon. i feel so empty without you. i miss you so much.



in 2 days' time, it's gonna be 7 months since you left me behind in this cold cold world. i read a story written in keeptouch. i remembered our dilemma in whether we should pursue a relationship between us. i remembered our agreement. 24 years old, that's the age you set for us to get together if we are still single but now, i've to face that age alone... all alone.

i keep asking myself if i hung onto you and kept you by my side, calling you my love with all the honesty in my heart, would you have still been alive? peeps keep trying to tell me that it won't have mattered but i think it would have. i let you down so many times in life and you never looked away. you kept encouraging me, kept supporting me.

i'm crying once more cos really, the pain never left. i hate myself so much for not doing anything that could have saved you. i hate myself. i dreamt of you asking me to let go but how can i let go? the one and only time i let you go, i let you fall into the vicious trap of love and now, you're no longer around.

you always said you'll love me no matter what. did you remember that when you took your last breath? did you? i love you, bud. and now i'm crying once more cos i really don't know what to do. you were the first man i ever loved in my lifetime. you were the first man i ever loved so dearly that i didn't dare risk anything for fear of losing you forever.

now i realised that by not taking that one risk, i truly have lost you. i truly did...

please say you'll wait for me in heaven. please say you still love me despite the despondent state that i'm in. please say them all and hug me when you see me. i miss you so much.

how could you just leave me behind...

hearts 07:49:00
0 spoken words

Monday, January 29, 2007

loads of thoughts cruising in my little brain.
nolstagia weighs really heavy of late.
am afraid of what might happen in the future.
self-deception has never been this strong.

23. i'm down to just merely 23 more days.
wonder, i truly wonder, will time stop?
will good ol' Daddy let time stop just for us?
oh, i just never wanna say goodbye to you.

hearts 06:47:00
0 spoken words

Sunday, January 28, 2007

despite the time, despite the distance, despite the many busies in life, this ring i give unto you lovely mambo laydees. for this bond i will never wanna lose. i'm gonna miss you two so much.

pups with loadsa love given unto me by bird. :)

hearts 08:27:00
0 spoken words

humpty dumpty had a great fall yet unlike humpty dumpty's useless king's horses and useless king's men, humpty dumpty was brought back onto her feet with loadsa pamperings and kisses to make up for that fall.

finally met up with mervin and group after the dramatic fall in front of the pub. didn't manage to have a good chat with most there, 'cept for guolin but hey, at least i met up with you peeps, right? finally got to meet vivian after failing to meet up for so long. miss this little babe of mine. got down to a good chat over drinks courtesy of vincent.

the slumber i had after could not be sweeter, could not be more pleasant. like a baby, i was coaxed to sleep. like a baby, i woke up with that childish gaze in my eyes. i've always believed that being child-like in front of a person means something to me. it's never easy for me to be child-like cos many a times, i'm like an old hag, ready to pounce, challenge and remain reserve.

a few hours short of 24 hours, bird and i made our way down to national stadium, despite the heavy traffic and drizzle. i've never seen bird so excited about something for the brief period of knowing him. singapore versus malaysia. the semi-finals. i'm glad i managed to get the tickets for him to watch. it was just pure entertainment as i see him jeer and cheer at malaysia and singapore respectively. put him and kenny together, it was a complete show. though the match wasn't as exciting as the crowds' antics, i found myself praying in the midst of the game for a win for my home team. i may not be the most patriotic person (i do not know the national anthem and pledge by heart) but hey, i was really happy to see singapore win. most importantly, i was really happy to see bird enjoying himself so immensely and i got to see it live.

after the match, we went to get some food as i didn't exactly have a proper meal the entire day. i had my awesome rojak and wanton mee from my favorite dunman food centre. it was just awesome shit. bird and i then went down to meet zhongying cos she wanted to pass me some stuff for my sister (mabes, you better come collect it from me). had a brief chat about some stuff and bird just sat down in silence.

bird got 2 new nicknames today as well! mr. 1% and ji gong. i found the latter extremely hilarious. shoud have gotten him the tattered fan and that peanut look-alike bottle (i forgot what it's called). i think i'll just laugh till i cry. had a good chat with him after it all as well.

we do not know what the future holds. there's no need to ask, there's no need to worry. for the only certainty about life is it's uncertainties. thank you. thank you for believing in me and seeing me as as person, and not a toy.

You look so confident
The way you work the room
Like you're heaven sent
Everybody checking you
Something about it baby
Keepin' me amused
Hate to admit it but I
Kind of like your attitude

Things that you do and the things that you say
Gotta be for real if you want me to stay
Think that I'll jump if you want me to play
Well, you gotta do better than that

Make me
Give you everything I've got
A reason to let you in my private thoughts
Take me
To a higher place where I've never been
The way that no one else can
Make me

-- Jennifer Paige's Make Me

in 24 days' time, i'll be down under.
more than 24hours with you, i'll never get enough.

hearts 07:18:00
0 spoken words

Friday, January 26, 2007

i was checking my mail earlier and came across this forwarded email titled "wedding photos (naked) p/s. i liked then". i was wondering if it was those porn junk mail that my mailbox seem to be constantly flooded with but the sender was jess and it was in my inbox, not my junk, so i decided to check it out.

it was a mail containing wedding photos of this couple, naked, in black and white. and o my gosh. in my ever crazy mind and world, i swear. if i EVER get married in this lifetime, i wanna take naked wedding photos too. it's just awesome. what's up with all the kimonos, evening gowns and shits. this is the real deal.

marriage is all about laying the cards up front. being open and naked to your life partner, so why not get naked for the camera for memories' sake? we are, afterall, only young once and hey, my body can't possibly remain perfect for life. but note to self and all my darling peeps around me, when that day DOES COME, please remind me to hit the gym more often than usual and go on a strict strict diet. i don't wanna look all frumpy for such a gorgeous spread.

maybe that should be my motivation in slimming down. cut the carbs in life, the excess baggage on my body. i want a naked spread of myself. :D

hearts 07:36:00
0 spoken words

missing just a simple punctuation and the entire message's meaning is altered. for all of your laughing pleasure. :D taken at paramount hotel.

hearts 01:14:00
0 spoken words

Thursday, January 25, 2007

as the countdown begins, i hit zouk with one of my mambo laydees, my partner in crime, her friend and his friend. i'm down to 3 more mambo grooving with the last being on valentine's. oh, how i'll miss my lovely peeps. time truly flies when one starts to enjoy herself.

my baby girl and i. i'm always around, sweetie, always. i might not be physically in singapore but i'm just a message away. :)

ingrid and xianglong before the crowd came marching in.

it was meant to be a group shot, including ingrid, but my hand could only stretch this far. ingrid got cut off, leaving primero, bird and i in the shot. :x

finally we wised up and got someone to do the deed for us. primero, bird, me and ingrid. :)

now, the final shot of the day does not comprise of bird and i but primero and ingrid, don't ask me why. lol.


as i flipped through The Newpaper earlier today, i came across an article written by Ian Tan - Death does not end beautiful friendships. as i read his thoughts of how a recent death of a buddy of his had affected him and their common clique of friends, my thoughts inevitably went towards herng jye. alot of my friends have been trying their darnest to console me, to bring me out of this darkness. some even told me stories about how their parents or their friend's parents passed away and they still have the will to carry on life, so why can't i?

it is quite different when a close buddy dies, compared with, say, your parents or not-so-close friends. you see, there is this assumption that your buddy is supposed to grow old and cranky with you, no matter what happens. unlike a wife, a buddy is someone who doesn't expect explicit commitment in the relationship, is always free to listen or dispense advice without nagging and is often the best person to go to when you want to share a dirty joke.

-- Ian Tan

as i read the above quote, it summed up exactly how i feel inside. i know it's a traumatising experience for peeps who lost their parents but like he said, it's different when a close buddy dies. i never, in my wildest dreams, ever imagine that in my 21 years of life, i'll lose him. never. to grapple this cold hard truth is proving to be more than an obstacle for me. it's a barrier, a boundary that i refuse to cross. i find myself trying to meet up with him more often, yet there's this nagging pain within that my conversations are now a one-way street. i find myself trying to tell him more often than not that i love him and i miss him so dearly.

this truth is really hard to swallow. this lesson in life is truly hard to master. i don't know if i can ever get through it or will this shadow never leave me alone. i don't know. i really don't. but i do beg, and i do plead for all of you to just let me be. i don't expect any of you to understand the pain within, and i hope that none of you will ever have to. so please, just let me be. i will recover soon enough, i hope. thank you.

Maybe my love will come back some day
Only heaven knows
And maybe our hearts will find a way
Only heaven knows
And all I can do is hope and pray
'Cause heaven knows

-- Rick Price's Heaven Knows

hearts 20:31:00
0 spoken words

Wednesday, January 24, 2007

did i mention that my thoughts are swinging around like a pendulum swing?
i went to bed, feeling pretty alright, a little more joyous than usual.
i woke up, feeling like it was wrong to be happy and that there's a sinister motive behind it all.
this bloody train of thoughts of mine that goes choo-choo all year round are best friends with depression, i swear.

like in my previous post, i was obviously happy and optimistic about relationship once more. gushing about the sweet thoughts, the sweet actions and that ever-so-sweet love song. but as usual, the little miss morbid within me is too eager to share the spotlight. in less than 12 hours, i woke up feeling that it's all just bullshit. i can still hear little miss mobid's voice in my head.

"if he really likes you, why doesn't he update his friendster photos with shots of the both of you?"
"if he really likes you, why doesn't he let you meet more of his friends and maybe those girls he has been talking about?"
"if he really likes you, why doesn't he ...."

i have major issues with little miss morbid, who refuses to leave me alone. pardon this post, i'm just ranting. i can't stand myself anymore. sooner or later, these personalities will be alter-egos and the mental institute that houses peeps of my likes will be my new home. i swear, i'm driving myself crazy.

hearts 20:53:00
0 spoken words

never in my life had i dreamt that someone would sing a song for me, especially a song that i always wish for someone to sing for me. a song of not knowing the future yet willing to take the risk. a song of giving.

never in my life had i dreamt that this would happen. still feel that it's a little too perfect to be true. still feel that i'm unworthy of it all. still find it hard to believe that in this world, there would be someone like you. someone who sees me as the little girl inside and not the bitch on the outside. i still find it a little out-of-the-world.

Oceans apart day after day
And I slowly go insane
I hear your voice on the line
But it doesnt stop the pain

If I see you next to never
How can we say forever

Wherever you go
Whatever you do
I will be right here waiting for you
Whatever it takes
Or how my heart breaks
I will be right here waiting for you

I took for granted, all the times
That I thought would last somehow
I hear the laughter, I taste the tears
But I cant get near you now

Oh, cant you see it baby
Youve got me going crazy

Repeat chorus

I wonder how we can survive
This romance
But in the end if Im with you
Ill take the chance

Oh, cant you see it baby
Youve got me going crazy

Repeat chorus

-- Richard Marx's Right Here Waiting

you're not the loser that first got here. you're just not used to winning. - adapted from Gridiron Gang's Sean Porter

hearts 08:17:00
0 spoken words

Tuesday, January 23, 2007


and the countdown begins once more.

i read through my old entries, before i flew off the first time round. i remembered how upset i was when the person i love back then, couldn't even be bothered the slightest bit, to see me off at the airport. i remembered how i broke down, day after day, night after night in sydney soon after cos of his indifference. i remembered how my emotions were being played around like yo-yo. one moment i was beaming like a cheshire cat, next i was wailing like a newborn.

this time around would be the 4th time i'm taking off from sunny island to the great down under and a sense of nolstagia just overwhelmed me. i've grown up so much since. became more jaded, more cynical. love, to me, is a luxury that i seem not to be able to grasp. i peek out of my shell once in a while, basking in the moonlight as i listen to the sweet thoughts. he must have realised the impact he has on me, thus far. for the first time, i didn't feel like a tool, an object, a body. for the first time, in so long, i actually felt like a complete human. as i hold him close, i wondered if time could stand still for that moment. as i kiss him goodnight, i wondered if it could never end.

he saw me as a human and treated me as such. never judged, never gave too much of a care to my past. i wonder what he sees in this wretched little doll, for surely, no one would wanna have this doll except to mock and ridicule. this doll could live with it, just all too fine. the games, the players, she has had her fair share. yet this guy saw beyond the superficial. he saw her as steel/pewter. just a little polishing and she will shine, he believes. it has been so long since she met a guy like that. she's blown away by his actions and swept off her feet by his words. then she goes back into her shell once more.

my thoughts seem to be made up of hyde and dr. jekyll. one moment, i'm all smiles and joy, basking in this budding sweet joy. next moment, i'm swallowed up into my own little world, wondering how can it all be true. this pendulum swing of thoughts are really killing me - physically, mentally and spiritually. "don't turn back to your past", you asked of me. so now, here i am, vulnerable and utterly naked,

"don't let me turn back to my past", i ask of you.

hearts 08:24:00
0 spoken words

Monday, January 22, 2007

sometimes, i feel like walking away. not because i don't want to stay but cos of all the build-up fears within.
sometimes, i feel like i should just turn my back to every single thing. not because i don't care but cos i've cared too much.

the shielded me is coming into play.
let my guard down for way too long.
it's time to be the ultimate bitch
and never, never lose control.

they are not my friends.
they are my enemies.

this mentality of "fuck and fuck off" has no expiry date.

hearts 19:47:00
0 spoken words

jaded little miss morbid's biggest enemy, is not men, is not humans, is not the society. her biggest enemy is none other than herself. even death has no right to state that he's the biggest enemy of hers, for even he loses to her. her constant disbelief and distrust. her obstinate views on relationships and men. they will all do her in one day and she knows it. and today, she finally faced her biggest enemy and realised how void her life truly is.

believing in fairytales were so yesterday.
to be sprinkled with tinkerbell's fairydust,
swimming along side the beautiful ariel,
running around the woods with pocahontas,
where has her innocence gone to, she cries.

hearts 09:10:00
0 spoken words

Sunday, January 21, 2007

a simple conversation

C: tell me, what does "baby" means to you?
N: someone whom you care for and wanna protect.
C: yeah, to me, "baby" is someone whom you care for and wanna protect it from the world's harm so when my ex-boyfriend called me that, i felt really offended cos to me, he's the world's harm so how could he have protected me in any way?

*slight pause*

N: i've been thinking of what to call you besides lala.
C: why? lala is a nice name.
N: yeah. but everybody calls you that and i'm not everybody.
C: everybody calls you bird and i call you bird as well.
N: yeah but i'm not everybody and you're not everybody. can i call you baby?

*slight pause*

N: i might hurt you at times but i promise that they will never be intentional.
C: *smiles* okay.
N: i promise you that.

hearts 08:20:00
0 spoken words

Saturday, January 20, 2007

marriage. has this union of two souls under the glory of Daddy, the government's eyes, been reduced to nothing more than just a piece of paper signed between two parties for the mere benefit of a public housing, possible inheritance and joint income?

when i was young, i always viewed marriage with such awe. to me, it was a sacred union that bonds two souls for life through the good and bad times. it was a symbol of everlasting love. yet, as i grew up, i began to see the ugly side of human beings and realise how little many of them value the term - "marriage".

it all started with this one man. he philandered with various women for most part of his relationship with his then-girlfriend and current wife. he constantly assured me that he would never do the same to me and that if we were to be unified under the eyes of the law, he would be true to me. i was mesmerized and believed in his every single word till one day, i awoke from this dreamy fantasy and was hit by reality. his marriage was a sham to get his public housing. if he could do such a thing to her, whom he has been with for almost a decade and treat marriage as nothing more than a convenience, how can i be certain that our marriage certificate won't be treated as such?

then along came my girlfriend. when she got hitched, i was really happy for her for the effort and love that she has put in to this relationship was finally being seen and felt by her man, or so it seems. then years down the road, i began to hear her sobs more often than her laughters. i began to hear her questions more often than her statements. marriage, it seems, was nothing to that man. her broken heart, her shattered dreams and her never-ending questions was just the beginning of the end. once again, i was shown the dark side of this union as i read the women's charter repeatedly as i help my girl prepare for the next big leap in life. the leap of faith to deny that very bond she sought.

still, i hung on to the definition of marriage depicted in the word of my Daddy. i held onto it, till yesterday. finally, the last straw came. a mere acquaintence that i met recently in a christmas countdown messaged me on MSN. he began the conversation in a harmless fashion. then the twist came into play. he began to ask about my definition of a fling and said that i should look for a fuck buddy rather than a relationship since i'm overseas for most part of the year. i found it strange as i was told that he was married. fair enough, he did say that long distance relationships are hard to maintain and did mention that maybe i should look for someone who's based in australia too, rather than to stick to one who is based in singapore. for a moment, i saw him as a decent man who love his wife dearly, till he began asking me if i was skillful in oral sex and stuff. he might not be sleeping around like the first man and his wife might not be as heartbroken as the second but he definitely did not see the need for the basic respect of his spouse.

has marriage been cheapened to such a sad state? that it's nothing more than just a piece of paper signed by two willing parties, two witnesses and the justice of peace? that it's nothing more than mere words of supposed vows that one enters into with the mindset that they are just words that could be twisted? that it's nothing more than just an obligation and convenience, rather than a blissful union for life?

this sacred union has been reduced to ashes right before my eyes. though i've seen happy couples as well, a nagging thought remains. i wonder if they fit into any of the above? i wonder if all these cases were apparent because of my social circle? i wonder, i truly wonder.

and once again, i wonder. will my faith in marriage ever be restored or will it just be a fantasy that does not fit well in this realistic and practical world of ours?

hearts 17:11:00
0 spoken words

Thursday, January 18, 2007

today, i said some words.
they were not superficial.
they were not obligatory terms.
they were not at the spur of the moment.

i meant every single word.

i've been down this road so i know the dangers, the obstacles, the temptations, etc. i know how tough it can be and that's why i said to let us wait for another 6 months.

it's not a test, no, it isn't.
i just need to see if you can truly handle it.
i just need to see if you are truly able to be true.
i just need to see if you will not just fall so easily.

for this route is truly not easy. it's not suitable for the easily tempted and the faint hearted. oh no, it isn't. for this route requires alot of commitment, alot of trust, alot of determination to make it work.

and i just don't know if you're up for it and if i can do it once again.

but i'm willing to try.
will you try with me?

hearts 10:29:00
0 spoken words

Wednesday, January 17, 2007

yesterday will remain as yesterday.
for yesterday can never be today or tomorrow.
so if yesterday wishes to be carried forward to today,
i'm sorry but the clock's hands can only tick forth.

don't wanna be carrie bradshaw anymore.

hearts 08:44:00
0 spoken words

Tuesday, January 16, 2007

dreamt of you last night,
you asked me to let you go.
you said you hate to see me cry.
you said it's time to let the past be the past.

you held me tight.
i was crying in my dream.
i woke up with swollen eyes.
i wonder, did i really cry?

everything seem so real.
i don't wanna let you go.
my heart has never been so broken.
please, i beg you, please never ask me to let you go.

i miss you, bud, i miss you.

hearts 19:18:00
0 spoken words

st. james powerhouse on sat.
thought i saw bud there, at the carpark.
but it wasn't him.
the joyfest became nothing more than me finally falling apart.

baby girl, i'm really sorry to have troubled you and burden you so.
love you!

the mambo laydees with meiyi whom i'm so glad to see finally smile. :)

oh no, who do i choose between the two?

now i'm being silly amongst the two gorgeous.

once again, bird and i. thanks and really sorry. but i'll keep my promise of one week. :x

hearts 07:22:00
0 spoken words

Monday, January 15, 2007

you're like an angel sent from Daddy and bud.
yet i still find you a little too perfect to be real.

my virgin bike ride with you.
you made me feel safe.

i probably can never understand what you see in me.
i probably can never fully trust another human.

yet you make me wanna believe.
you make me wanna learn to love once again.

is this just a dream waiting for me to awake from?
is reality so far from this fantasy?

i've not felt this way for so long.
it's so familiar yet so strange.

listening to celine dion's miracle.
will you be the miracle that i need?

to stabilise my rocky world?
to cradle me when all's falling around me?

an answer i'll give in 6 months' time.
please know this now that you make me feel alive.

in this dead cold world of mine.
you make me feel like i'm breathing once again.

the pig you gave, with no strings attached.

hearts 07:12:00
0 spoken words

Sunday, January 14, 2007

the chosen venom.
the horns of devil.
the red traces.
the drops of pearls.
the broken heart.
the decided path.

so was her fate.
she surrenders.

hearts 17:42:00
0 spoken words

Saturday, January 13, 2007

under the light drizzling rain,
walking hand in hand lightly clasped.
two previous strangers chattered,
thinking today might be the last.

he poured out his heart's content,
she never uttered anything more.
in silence, her thoughts were running
a race that even she can't keep up.

her fears, her boundaries all in place,
no vulnerabilities will she ever show.
he knocked once, twice and more,
trying to chisel just a little bit off.

eventually the night will have to end,
nothing is ever possibly everlasting.
yet in the midst of all jaded cynicism,
today may not yet be the very last.

hearts 07:25:00
0 spoken words

Friday, January 12, 2007

yesterday started with laughter and joy. it was shirley's big day. it's been a while since i've seen this babe of mine and seeing her in the gown, in the solemnisation room, taking her wedding vows and finally putting on the ring for her "future" husband. it was a picture perfect moment. the love that they share really radiated through this simple exchange. my sincere and most heartfelt blessings to this lovely couple and may their love be everlasting, blessed by God. :)

the newlyweds, mr. and mrs. chua. congrats once again. :D

the bride with anna and i. smile!

after the ceremony, anna and i went to orchard towers to collect my air tickets and the pouring rain made every step taken with much planning and consideration to avoid getting our feet wet. once the collection was done, we made our way down to yishun, where our newlyweds were having a buffet. we chatted and we asked each other, who's next. we gossiped, we bitched. then a phonecall came and i had to go.

melvin's friend gave me a ride to somerset, where meiyi, joe, ingrid and weiren were waiting for me. joe drove us down to dbl o, my virgin trip to dbl o. was i impressed by this place? i don't know but at least the shots were cheap and i felt i was "sorta" back in sydney, minus the peeps around me. the brawl, the tears, i didn't have the slightest clue as to how this night will end. bird came down to look for us after his shoot. some words were said.

"i feel that i'm lucky to have you in my life but i just feel that it's all too good to be true."

my baby girl and i at dbl o.

meiyi, shying away from the light, with ingrid.

the 3 girls clubbing for the first time together.

bird and i. thanks for coming down. :)

the other bird, weiren, and ingrid.

after dbl o, ingrid and i talked a little more. tears were shed as we hugged each other for comfort. persuaded her to go with us for supper, which i upon reaching the place, suddenly felt full after a few mouthfuls of wanton mee and she didn't touch her beehoon at all. bumped into ann there and we clarified all that stood between us for the past 3 years. it was refreshing talking to her once more. afterall, we were close once and now, after bud's death, i find that i've been letting go of alot of my grudges and rifts. we settled our differences and that's the most important thing of the entire time we conversed.

went up to her place briefly after bird sent her home, just to see her mum for abit. suddenly miss the good ol' days, when after school, i will be hangin out with my npcc girls, my classmates or my bud. i really wish things could be different now and that i don't have to lose bud.

but he's here now. he's everywhere now. there's nothing much i could ask for, can i?

hearts 19:07:00
0 spoken words

Thursday, January 11, 2007

today some really sweet words were uttered.
i flinched for a while.
i got defensive.
i was ready to pounce
but i held back.

today i began to question myself and everything.
i find it hard to trust.
i kept my silence.
i had my doubts
but i held back.

it all just seem too good to be true.

it just seem too good to be true.

so i'll be my shielded self once more,
time might dissolve this shield,
but time could also fortify it further.

hearts 05:16:00
0 spoken words

Tuesday, January 09, 2007

haven't been home early for the past few nights.
not that i don't want to but find it a little hard.

have been a little distracted of late.
gotta start prioritizing my options.

sometimes, i wish to know more.
sometimes, i wish to just tune off.

it's at times like these i wish i was more certain.
yet certainty is not exactly my forte.

it's at times like these i wish he was here.
yet being here doesn't mean physical.

i do miss him.
and i promise i'll see him later today.

cos i owe him that.
i owe my lovely buddy that.

hearts 07:45:00
0 spoken words

Sunday, January 07, 2007

last night, i was astounded by a friend's change.
astounded that despite the years of knowing this friend,
i realised i do not really understand or know his/her character.

i was greatly disappointed how a person could change so much within a short span of time. i was very upset yet at the same time relief to learn of it now, rather than later. i asked myself if i'm too nice or have i indulged this friend excessively that he/she thinks it's right to take me for granted.

but really, i don't care.

a friend would have a better mind than to do what he/she did.
a friend would not seek to make oneself feel better by putting down the other.
a friend would care for the other party's feelings rather just his/her own.

so maybe, this person never saw me as a friend and as such, i'm sad. just sad but i'll get over it.

hearts 17:38:00
0 spoken words

Saturday, January 06, 2007

the prince. bird calls him pu yi cos like pu yi, he's the youngest emperor. lovely lovely prince.

the mambo laydees finally reunited after 1.5 weeks of not clubbing as a whole!

ingrid and i decided to join zhongying at zouk at the last minute.

ingrid with alvin, zhongying's lovely boy.


it all began with just dinner plans with bird at east coast park. ingrid called me halfway through dinner and mentioned that she was at east coast as well and was wondering what are my after-dinner plans. finished up our dinner then we made our way to look for ingrid and her prince. as bird sent us back to her place, we decided to either go st. james or zouk, pending on whether zhongying is still heading out.

prince kievan giggled and was completely amused by his photo that i took with my phone. he kept looking at it and laughing out loud. i laughed at the sight of that cos previously, he was so shy around me. but now, cos of that one photo, my phone was his favorite toy for that moment. as we were about to leave, the prince began throwing a huge tantrum. we don't know what's up so ingrid returned to pacify her dear little prince.

bird and i waited for ingrid at her block downstairs and we spoke about lotsa stuff that goes on in my life and his. when the prince was finally put to bed, ingrid came down to join us and we made our way down to zouk. had loadsa fun at zouk and phuture. drinking my lovely long island tea and grooving with my lovely laydees. the night ended a little too soon but 0259hrs was our limit and we reached it.

headed down havelock road for our teochew porridge before bird sent ingrid and i home.

lovely lovely night.
filled with laughters and joy.
filled with sorrow and pain.

the mambo laydees are gonna grow up this year, stronger and more positive. cos we have each other and we know, no matter the distance and time, we'll still be there for one another.

love you girls!

hearts 23:54:00
0 spoken words

Thursday, January 04, 2007

mambo laydees ingrid and i.

now. say cheese cos we're gonna smile for the world to see. :D

the mambo laydees with the bird.

bird and i at mambo.

hearts 21:01:00
0 spoken words

To see a cross in your dream, signifies suffering, martyrdom, death, and/or sacrifice. Perhaps your dream is telling you that you have a cross to bear. Ask yourself what is causing you to suffer or what is causing you great difficulties.

To see the outside of the church in your dream, signifies sacredness and spiritual nourishment. It is representative of your value system and the things you hold sacred.

To see demons in your dream, represents ignorance, negativity, distress or your shadow self. It also forewarns of overindulgence and letting lust give way to your better judgment. As a result, your physical and mental health may suffer.

To dream about the death of a loved one, suggests that you are lacking a certain aspect or quality that the loved one embodies. Ask yourself what makes this person special or what do you like about him. It is that very quality that you are lacking in your own relationship or circumstances. Alternatively, it indicates that whatever that person represents has no part in your own life.

To dream of your own death, indicates a transitional phase in your life. You are becoming more enlightened or spiritual. Alternatively, you are trying desperately to escape the demands of your daily life.

To see a gun in your dream , symbolizes aggression, anger, and potential danger. You may be dealing with issues of passiveness/aggressiveness and authority/dependence. Alternatively, a gun can represent the penis and male sexual drive. Thus the gun may mean power and impotence.

To dream that you are loading a gun, forewarns that you should be careful in not letting your temper get out of control.

To dream that you shoot a person with a gun, denotes your aggressive feelings and hidden anger toward that particular person.

To dream that you are carrying a knife, signifies anger, aggression and/or separation. There may be something in your life that you need to cut out and get rid of. Alternatively, the knife may be symbolic of something divisive in your life. You may be attempting to cut ties or sever some relationship.

To see your childhood friend in your dream, signifies regression into your past where you had no responsibilities and things were much simpler and carefree. You may be wanting to escape the the pressures and stresses of adulthood. Consider the relationship you had with this friend and the lessons that were learned. Alternatively, the childhood friend may be suggesting that you have been acting in a childish manner and you need to start acting like an adult.

To dream that you killed someone, forewarns that heavy stress may cause you to lose your temper and self-control. Identity the characteristics of the person that you have killed and ask yourself if you feel any rage towards this person in your waking life. You may be expressing some rage or hatred toward this person.

To dream that you have been killed, suggests that your actions are disconnected from your emotions.
This dream may also represent a part of you or your life that you wish would leave you alone and stop creating a nuisance. Killing may represent the killing off of old parts of yourself and old habits.

To see the devil in your dream, signifies negative aspects of yourself. It may also indicate feelings of guilt that you have been harboring. It is time to release these feelings. Alternatively, the devil may represent intelligence, cunningness, deception, and cleverness.

To dream that you fought off the devil, symbolizes that you will succeed in defeating your enemies.

To dream that the devil talks to you, signifies that you will find some temptations hard to resist even though you know it is not in your best interest.

To dream that you participate in a fight, indicates inner turmoil. Some aspect of yourself is in conflict with another aspect of yourself. Perhaps an unresolved or unacknowledged part is fighting for its right to be heard. It may also parallel a fight or struggle that you are going through in your waking life.

To see others fighting in your dream, suggests that you are unwilling to acknowledge your own problems and turmoil. You are not taking any responsibility or initiative in trying to resolve issues in your waking life.

To dream that you are fighting to the death, indicates that you are unwilling to acknowledge a waking conflict or your own inner turmoil. You are unwilling and refusing to change your old attitudes and habits.

i had a very odd dream last night, though i would rather call it a nightmare. i can't remember how the dream began but it was a battle between the good and the evil. that i'm sure. i remember seeing the church and this person was telling me to win the battle i must have faith, spiritual faith as she points toward the cross. i remember prophesizing and recounting where each battle will take place. i remember loading guns, packing knives and knowing that we are all gonna die.

then i saw buddy. i saw him on the streets. he was with me. he was going with me for my battle. i told him not to go. told him to stay home but he insisted on tagging along. then i saw his brother, drunk by the streets. i had to bring him home. i just know i had to so i asked my buddy to wait for me. i brought his brother home and left to look for buddy once more. then i saw him run as he started yelling the devils want my brother. they're gonna get him. he ran back home and i chased after.

then i see him die before my eyes. i saw him die. i got angry. really angry. i started fighting with all of those devils. they were laughing in such a sinister manner, it angered me more. i started killing them. started killing them one by one but i got drained. i got tired and they finished me off.

hearts 20:39:00
0 spoken words

Tuesday, January 02, 2007

What Your Sleeping Position Says

You are secretly sensitive, but you often put up a front.
Shy and private, you yearn for security.
You take relationships slowly.
You need lots of reassurances before you can trust.
What Does Your Sleeping Position Say About You?

What Your Soul Really Looks Like

You are quite expressive and thoughtful. You see the world in a way that others are blind to.

You are a very grounded, responsible, and realistic person. People may not want to hear the truth from you, but they're going to get it.

You see yourself with pretty objective eyes. How you view yourself is almost exactly how other people view you.

Your near future is calm, relaxing, and pretty much what you want. And it's something you've been anticipating for a while now.

For you, falling in love is all about flirting and feeling playful. You couldn't fall in love with someone who took life too seriously.
Inside the Room of Your Soul

Your Love Life Secrets Are

Looking back on your life, you will have a few true loves.

You're a little scarred from your past relationships, but who isn't?

It's important to you that your lover is very attractive. You like to have someone to show off.

In fights, you speak your mind and don't hold back. You know you're right, and you can get quite angry about it.

Break-ups can be painful for you, but you never show it. You hold your head high.
Your Love Life Secrets, Revealed

You Are Absinthe

You are a sloppy drunk, purposely so
If drinking doesn't make you feel crazy, it's not any fun
Truth be told, you tend to prefer drugs to drinking
But you'd never pass up any absinthe that came your way!
What Alcoholic Drink Are You?

You Are A Guilty Ex

You weren't the greatest to your ex, and you admit it.
And now your remorse is keeping you up at night...
While feeling a little remorse is good, your guilt is preventing you from moving on
What Type of Ex Are You?

Erotic Thriller

You've made your own rules in life - and sometimes that catches up with you.
Winding a web of deceit comes naturally, and no one really knows the true you.

Your best movie matches: Swimming Pool, Unfaithful, The Crush
If Your Life Was a Movie, What Genre Would It Be?

You've Experienced 52% of Life

You have a good deal of life experience, about as much as someone in their late 20s.
You've seen and done enough to be quite wise, but you still have a lot of life to look forward to.
How Much Life Experience Do You Have?

i told you i'm not 21. :p

You Are 74% Grown Up, 26% Kid

Congratulations, you are definitely quite emotionally mature.
Although you have your moments of moodiness, you're usually stable and level headed.
How Emotionally Mature Are You?

You Are a Beagle Puppy

Cheerful, energetic, and happy go lucky.
And you're sense of smell is absolutely amazing!
What Breed of Puppy Are You?

i'm sure something went wrong in the test.

Your Ideal Relationship is Marriage

You've dated enough to know what you want.
And that's marriage - with the right person.
You're serious about settling down some time soon.
Even if you haven't met the person you want to get hitched to!
What's Your Ideal Relationship?

righttttt. something went wrong in this as well.

and of course, once again, i'm just bored.

hearts 05:50:00
0 spoken words

Monday, January 01, 2007

a song that suits my current thoughts and mood.
a song that speaks my heart to bud.

dear love, you're leaving now,
and who has knowledge
of that day you and i shall meet again?
only the One.
all things are but the flowing of the river,
the joys of our sweet yesterdays are dreams
although we try, we cannot keep them tight,
cannot hold them captive
in the hand.

my heart in misery is turning upside down.

wherever my feet take me, you will come.

oh, if only, [if only]
if only,
if only,
it could never end.

oh, if only, [oh if only]
if only,
if only,
it could never end

-- vanessa fernandez's last farewell

hearts 21:15:00
0 spoken words

today marks 6 months since your passing.
i wanted to tone it down.
went to church, wanting to pray for you.
but my heart was still sore.
my heart was still filled with anger and bitterness.

i left. left for my vice.
met up with my bunch of npcc guys.
their complete nonsense kept me frustrated yet entertained.
the crowd at clarke quay was overwhelming.
they all seem a little too care free for me to believe.

but 2006 is over and 2007 is here.
no point crying over spilt milk.
no point looking back at yesterdays.
you are no longer here and it hurts.
but i know you won't want me stuck.

i love you, bud and i miss you so much.

Should old acquaintance be forgot,
and never brought to mind ?
Should old acquaintance be forgot,
and auld lang syne ?
For auld lang syne, my dear,
for auld lang syne,
we'll take a cup o’ kindness yet,
for auld lang syne.
And surely you’ll buy your pint cup !
And surely I’ll buy mine !
And we'll take a cup o’ kindness yet,
for auld lang syne.
We two have run about the hills,
and pulled the daisies fine ;
But we’ve wandered many a weary foot,
since auld lang syne.
We two have paddled in the stream,
from morning sun till dine (dinner time) ;
But seas between us broad have roared
since auld lang syne.
And there’s a hand my trusty friend !
And give us a hand o’ thine !
And we’ll take a right good-will draught,
for auld lang syne.

-- Auld Lang Syne

hearts 20:13:00
0 spoken words