my man and i caught the intended valentine's movie, p.s. i love you, a week later. and i cried. a little too much. and my heart started to ache.
the movie just got me realising how much weaker i am now, as compared to the past. i could deal with anything. give me time and i'll probably get over the matter soon enough. but watching this movie, watching hilary swank cry buckets over the loss of her husband, the love of her life, broke all my pretense and i began sobbing in the cinema.
no, he was never my husband but i did and will always love him. like the female lead, in the first year following his passing, i could still feel his presence. i would laugh and cry, knowing that he was there with me. but more than a year has passed and his presence has vanished. as i watch her being comforted to sleep by the presence of her late husband, i remembered the times when i will cry myself to sleep, only to feel a comforting presence that managed to put the crybaby in me at ease.
her mother asked does losing someone because of choice make it easier for the individuals to get over than losing someone who was robbed away from your side by fate? i had a question that was begging to be asked - what about losing someone who was robbed away from your side by fate and also by choice? i don't think i can ever get out of this shadow. i'm still crying. i'm still heartbroken. i'm so afraid of losing anymore peeps close to me that i asked my man to make sure i leave first before he does.
my heart - it is too fragile. the more i try to run, the more i realise how lost i am in this concrete jungle. the more i try to look for a way out, the further i dwell in the midst. the more i try to move on, the more i am stuck at that same spot almost 20 months ago.
i miss him and sometimes i wonder if he can still hear my prayers to him.
i still wonder about that night, about the what ifs.
i wondered if he knew how broken he has left me.
i wonder how is he and i wonder if he still remembers me.
i remember him.
my counsellor thinks i'm a loyal friend to him cos of my refusal to forget or let go. but i can hear her inner-thoughts. she must think i'm doing myself in but i can't. i just can't seem to let go.