walking contradiction

25 years old.
a girl of irony.
studying in university of new south wales - ba/llb.
living and let live.
truly blessed by His and his love.

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Friday, February 22, 2008

my man and i caught the intended valentine's movie, p.s. i love you, a week later. and i cried. a little too much. and my heart started to ache.

the movie just got me realising how much weaker i am now, as compared to the past. i could deal with anything. give me time and i'll probably get over the matter soon enough. but watching this movie, watching hilary swank cry buckets over the loss of her husband, the love of her life, broke all my pretense and i began sobbing in the cinema.

no, he was never my husband but i did and will always love him. like the female lead, in the first year following his passing, i could still feel his presence. i would laugh and cry, knowing that he was there with me. but more than a year has passed and his presence has vanished. as i watch her being comforted to sleep by the presence of her late husband, i remembered the times when i will cry myself to sleep, only to feel a comforting presence that managed to put the crybaby in me at ease.

her mother asked does losing someone because of choice make it easier for the individuals to get over than losing someone who was robbed away from your side by fate? i had a question that was begging to be asked - what about losing someone who was robbed away from your side by fate and also by choice? i don't think i can ever get out of this shadow. i'm still crying. i'm still heartbroken. i'm so afraid of losing anymore peeps close to me that i asked my man to make sure i leave first before he does.

my heart - it is too fragile. the more i try to run, the more i realise how lost i am in this concrete jungle. the more i try to look for a way out, the further i dwell in the midst. the more i try to move on, the more i am stuck at that same spot almost 20 months ago.

i miss him and sometimes i wonder if he can still hear my prayers to him.
i still wonder about that night, about the what ifs.
i wondered if he knew how broken he has left me.

i wonder how is he and i wonder if he still remembers me.
i remember him.

my counsellor thinks i'm a loyal friend to him cos of my refusal to forget or let go. but i can hear her inner-thoughts.  she must think i'm doing myself in but i can't. i just can't seem to let go.

i'm sorry.

hearts 03:31:00
0 spoken words

Monday, February 18, 2008

valentine's was a dramatic affair for my man and i. why do i say that? well...

for us, valentine's began on the 13th cos on the 13th last year, my man planned a whole valentine's itinerary for us cos i wanted to spend valentine's itself with my girls at my last mambo before i headed back to sydney. we didn't care if anyone was gonna be there with us; we just wanted to be at the place where we met and began our crazy affair and so we headed down to zouk that night. mambo-ing that night was coupled with my man serenading me with the love songs that were playing the entire night and his thoughts of us crossing the one year mark together.

with all that in my mind, i was kinda geared up for valentine's itself. i was wondering what flowers is he gonna get me this year? what surprises will he have in store for me? how am i gonna react? maybe it was all this pumped up adrenalin that led me to disappointment when he seemed to be oblivious that it was valentine's and our first year. i was upset and refused to talk to him. i dropped hints that i wanted flowers and i know he got them so i was doubly upset that none was presented to me the entire day and night! being so utterly disappointed, the thought of just giving our trip to siloso beach resort a miss crossed my mind cos i just didn't know how am i gonna have the mood to celebrate.
then the 15th came and still feeling the left-over disappointment from the night before, i was surprised by his presentation of a bouquet of 10 white tulips amidst baby breaths and forget-me-nots. 

he showed me the receipt (on which he carefully erased off all evidence of price) to explain that he had planned this for a long time and that he wanted me to feel special by walking down orchard road with a bouquet of flowers and that no others would be doing the same (well, at least not the entire orchard road). what he didn't bank on, however, was my great disappointment the day before and he was extremely apologetic about it. honestly, at that point in time, the smile cannot be erased off my face. i was just too caught in joy!

we then made our way to sakae sushi at wheelock to have like a farewell lunch for his brother before he heads to taiwan for training and he kindly took a photo of us with the bouquet of flower.

we then made our way down to siloso beach resort where we reserved a night's stay at their roof garden suite. we spent our day and our night soaking in the private outdoor rooftop jacuzzi as we looked out into the sea or gazed at the moon. along with the complimentary champagne, we soak in the romantic atmosphere and enjoyed the solitude. dinner was spend at an indian fusion cuisine restaurant along palawan beach and it was fabulous before we retreated for another jacuzzi soak. :) after a good night's rest and watching lots of discovery channel (we're suckers for crime nights), we woke up to an international breakfast buffet and complimentary newspaper. after brekkie was over, i told him that i wanted to go for fish reflexology and he, being curious, followed. it was his first time having his dead skin cells nibbled off by these fishes and he was amused by it. at the end of the session, he even said, we should go for the bigger fish next time! we checked out after that and spend our remaining few hours in sentosa by going over to images of singapore and seriously, i wondered why i've never been there before. it was gorgeous!

when we finally left sentosa, i asked my man, "can we please stay in the roof garden suite for two nights instead of one the next time around?" i thought i saw his eyes widen in shock but i only really heard him reply, "i'll try." :)

ps. i love you, my man. :D

hearts 02:08:00
0 spoken words