i was reading one of flowerpod's wedding talk's thread when i started thinking about my own friendships.
i was upset at M's initial response to the whole wedding thing but when i was truly in doubt and all, he spoke to me and advised me to think things through rationally. he may not have given me the most joyous response in receiving the news but i guess, in times of need, i can still count on him. however, i can't say that for some other friends in my life. was talking to my man a while back, when i was giving myself some time off from essays and assignments, about how to keep our guest-list within a certain limit. when it comes to family, we know we will have no say as to how extended our parents would like to invite but when it comes to friends, we can exercise some control over it.
we started talking about which group of friends we'll like to invite and the possible number we're looking at. i then told him very honestly then that i would like to invite this particular group of friends but i will probably not reserve any seats for them until the night itself when they show up. he asked me why and i found myself unable to phrase the reason in a more diplomatic manner. the reason is that this group of friends would relish on the fact that they are invited but rarely do they turn up. after so many years of friendship, i've grown tired of their antics and decided that i'll do my part in inviting them but will never hold out that they'll show up. most of time, they will say "yeah. we'll be there" but they'll never turn up. so he asked me, then why bother inviting them even? and i couldn't answer.
i have many friends. but only a handful of them are really friends. the term 'friend' has no proper meaning anymore. the term for these individuals should appropriately be acquaintances rather than friends. am i upset at how cheap most of my friendships are? yes. i am. i would like to think i've done my part in these friendships, though i also realise that there are peeps who are only friends with you cos you provide them with some form of benefits. i call them my selfish group of friends. still, i'm grateful that i do have friends that i can count on.
and my mum once said to me, upon learning of herng jye's death, that i'm lucky cos at least in this lifetime, i know i found a friend who saw and treated me like a true friend would. the friendship was cut short but at least i can say, i had a true friend who was there for me and trusted me enough to let me be there for him, when he could. so now, i can only look up into the night's sky and hope he's somewhere out there watching over me, still there for me, and be there for me on that special day cos his presence will mean so much to me.
soon, it'll be your 4th year and though i don't cry as much anymore, my heart still aches whenever i look through your photos and wonder how you'll be today, my closest and most beloved buddy.