walking contradiction

25 years old.
a girl of irony.
studying in university of new south wales - ba/llb.
living and let live.
truly blessed by His and his love.

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Sunday, February 29, 2004

Yesterday was the start of 40 days of purpose! The sermon on "What on Earth are we here for?" was hilarious but punctuated with many truths. All living things on Earth know their purpose in life except for us, humans. We go around in our lives, just searching for a purpose. Some people think that the most important question in their lives is, "Who I'm gonna marry?" or "Will I be able to earn my 1st million by a certain age?" Yet, what exactly is the purpose of our lives? Is money, love, happiness, family, health or personal pleasure all that we seek for?

I wanna find out. And I will find out. Through this incredible programme that my church has embarked on. 40 Days of Purpose! Today's the start of reading the Purpose Driven Life book. Let's just hope that I'll be able to gain insights and knowledge at the end of the 40 days!

Went out with Ai Chen, Crystal, Ren Hao, Randalf, Benjamin and Shaun after church to catch Big Fish at Tampines. We caught the midnight show. Darling called and we spoke for a while. He kept asking, "any handsome guys there?" LOL. I just replied back, "none." Then he asked, "Anyone that's like me?" Then I said, "there's only one you." LOL. He's still coughing. -sigh- He better take care. Anyway, Big Fish ain't all that fantastic to me, if you ask me. Though the meaning behind the story is rather meaningful, I found the entire portrayal and directing rather, overboard. Ewan McGregor was good but the lady acting as daughter-in-law, just seems a little too stiff for me.

Today's Darling's match! Still waiting for him to call me and arrange the final details. Have no idea where in Tanglin they are gonna have the match. -confuse- Anyway, I shall wait till he calls. -wait-

hearts 13:39:00
0 spoken words

Friday, February 27, 2004

Darling can't meet me today. Kinda disappointed but well, he's busy at work. Gotta understand that! At least he calls me twice everyday and I met him yesterday. That's some consolation. ^_^

I miss him alot. I'll be able to see him on Sunday though! Can't wait for Sunday to come.. -waits-

My mum fractured her ankle. Accompanied her to the doctor today. She's like some small kid. Can't stand it. LOL. I miss darling so much. Haven't receive any calls from him. Still wondering if he's gonna call or not. LOL. He has been so busy lately. Stupid club. LOL.

Love darling! -muaks-

hearts 19:12:00
0 spoken words

Went out with Peifang, Karen, Peijie, Zifeng, Eric and Melvin for dinner gathering today. Had a really great time with them. It has been quite some time since we had the chance to really sit down and talk. We were arguing whether the plant at the airport is real or fake. Peifang insists it's fake though it's proven that it's real. That girl's in denial. =P

Peifang and Peijie decided to stay behind to wait for Darling to pick me up. I was so scared that Peifang will dislike him. Thank God! Peifang found him charming and nice. =) Darling passed the test!!! -phew-

Darling sent me home after that. We had a good chat together. Missed him soooo much. -sigh- How am I to survive next week when his work is gonna start piling up. According to him, he's getting a promotion soon! Congrats darling!!! =D We might be going out tomorrow. He wanna meet me but afraid that his boss might throw him some last minute work then he will not be able to meet me.

He has got another match this Sunday at Tanglin. Going down to support him again. Love darling!!!

Waiting for his call again... -dreams-

hearts 02:31:00
0 spoken words

Thursday, February 26, 2004

Darling is a little under the weather. -sigh- Guess he's too stressed with the clubhouse opening and stuff. Well, just hope he didn't sneak off and wake up just to catch Manchester United play against FC Porto. He needs rest. LOL. That man. I just adore him to the bits.

Missing him. Another 24 hours to add on to the 48hours that has passed. How long more before I can see my baby?


hearts 15:08:00
0 spoken words

Wednesday, February 25, 2004

Darling can't make it to meet me today. Too much work on hand. LOL. He called to apologize. Silly darling.

Had cell group meeting today. Alvin asked me how I felt about the cell. Anyway, it's under a new leader now so maybe things will change. Let's just pray hard that the cell will grow!

Meeting Peifang, Karen, Melvin, Peijie and Zifeng, I think, tomorrow for dinner. It has been quite a while since I met up with these people.

Gonna have another double-date with Raymond and Darling's female boss. Darling says she wanna see me. -stress- LOL. I miss darling. Waiting for his call.... -dreams-

hearts 22:44:00
0 spoken words

Tuesday, February 24, 2004

Tears were dried up
With your vibrant laughs.
Crest-fallen lips changed
Into a forgotten smile.

Love at first sight,
I have never believed
Till you came in love
And I fell into your arms.

The way you hold me,
The way you touch me,
The way you kiss me,
It's love at it's finest.

Never could I take
Such an impulsive risk.
Yet your love did it in,
Making me fall in love

With you.

hearts 20:33:00
0 spoken words

Thanks to my sis for helping me do out this new background and layout. =)

hearts 20:10:00
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credits for the new background design goes o me.


hearts 19:17:00
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Everybody is happy for me and I'm really grateful for that. It means so much to me that you guys don't mind. =) Darling is at work today whereas, for me, my meeting for Communication Issues have been pushed back and back. Probably, I hope, we will meet on thursday. We still have no idea what we are gonna do.

I love you baby...

All My Life
- K-Ci & Jojo -

Baby, baby, baby, baby, baby, baby, baby, baby, baby, baby, baby, baby
oooooooh, I'm so glad I
I will never find another lover
sweeter than you
sweeter than you
and I will never find another lover
more precious than you
more precious than you
girl you are
close to me just like my mother
close to me just like my father
close to me just like my sister
close to me just like my brother
you are the only one
you're my everything
and for you this song I sing

All my life
I pray for someone like you
and I thank God
that I
that I finally found you, baby
all my life
I pray for someone like you
and I hope that you
feel the same way too
yes, I pray that you
do love me too

I said you're all that I'm thinking of
la la la la la la la
baby, la la la la la la
said, I promise to never fall in love with a stranger
you're all I'm thinking of
I praise the Lord above
for sending me your love
I cherish every hug
I really love you so much

And all my life (baby baby)
I pray for someone like you
and I thank God
(that I've found you)
that I finally found you (oh)
all my life
I pray for someone like you (ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh)
and I hope that you
feel the same way, too
yes, I pray that you
do love me

You're all that I ever know
when you smile
my face always seems to glow
you turned my life around
you picked me up when I was down
you're all that I ever know
when you smile my face glow
you picked me up when I was down
said you're all that I ever know
when you smile my face glow
you picked me up when I was down

And I hope that you
feel the same way too
yes I pray that you do love me too
and all my life
I pray for someone like you
and I thank God that I
that I finally found you
all my life
I pray for someone like you
yes I pray that you
do love me too
all my life
I pray for someone like you
and I thank God that I
that I finally found you
all my life
I pray for someone like you
yes I pray that you
do love me too
and all my life
I pray for someone like you
and I thank God (fades)

hearts 13:58:00
0 spoken words

I love today...

Went out with him. Watch Cold Mountain.

I still feel as if I'm in a dream... a sweet sweet dream. Darling and I are now officially a couple. LOL. He finally asked and I, being the gullible one, said yes. =)

He's so sweet and cute. To think Ubin would be the place for both of us to meet... I love Ubin! =)

Mum approved of him, says if things go well, bring him back during Chinese New Year to meet everybody else. =D

hearts 00:41:00
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Monday, February 23, 2004

Above all powers
Above all things
Above all nature
And all created things

Above all wisdom
And all the ways of man
You were here
Before the world began

Above all kingdoms
Above all thrones
Above all wonders
The world has ever known
Above all wealth and treasures of the earth
There's no way to measure what You're worth

Laid behind the stone
You lived to die
Rejected and alone

Like a rose trampled on the ground
You took the fall
And thought of me
Above all

--Above all by William W. Smith

hearts 09:54:00
0 spoken words

I can't believe I'm saying this so soon..

But I'm in love.. with Christy. I know his name is kinda feminine but he's a great guy. ^_^

Raymond asked us when we're getting married. 2nd date and we're so lovey-dovey. LOL.

I'm just happy. =)

Meeting him later today again.

By the way, his team won. ^_^

hearts 05:03:00
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Sunday, February 22, 2004

Going to support his soccer match tomorrow then we're gonna have dinner together. =)

Looking forward to tomorrow.

Waiting for his call now. -sigh- What have I gotten myself into? =)

hearts 02:24:00
0 spoken words

Saturday, February 21, 2004

All along I thought what matters was that I'm happy.

Now I realise.

All you see is the color of his skin but what I see is the heart within his exterior.

I'm happy, doesn't that count?

hearts 03:04:00
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Everybody got a shock and said we're going too fast.

Don't worry guys. We're still getting to know each other. I promise not to be rash... though I've not felt like this for a long time.


hearts 02:21:00
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Friday, February 20, 2004

I had a great time today. =)

Juicy bits are reserved for special people. =)

hearts 04:02:00
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Thursday, February 19, 2004

Tomorrow's the day. Everybody is just so hyped up about it that I feel nothing about it anymore.

Started talking to Priya about Mervin again. Have no idea why I bother bringing him up when I'm supposed to be all excited about tomorrow. But I know deep within me... I still wanna be with him.

I just hope tomorrow will go well. That's all I'm asking for.

hearts 01:53:00
0 spoken words

Wednesday, February 18, 2004

Went to do my nails at Beauty Box at Junction 8 with Priya today. Painted my finger and toenails... PINK! Baby pink. LOL. It looks so freaking gay. =P

After all the hype since Sunday, I kinda had a thought.

Am I living a life of lies and convincing myself of something that's not true?

I'm just a screwed up teenager. =)

hearts 00:36:00
0 spoken words

Monday, February 16, 2004

I was happy till I saw your face in my mind. When thursday come and go, will I still feel the same?

Told Bud about what happened over the weekend. He wasn't exactly please but neither is he extremely upset. He told me to be careful. Bud, I won't do anything rash I promise. Let's just see how things go.

God usually answers our prayers so much more according to the measure of His own magnificence, than of our asking, that we do not recognize His benefits to be those for which we sought Him.
-- Coventry Patmore

hearts 21:19:00
0 spoken words

Sunday, February 15, 2004

Spent Valentine's with Jakob, Mappy, Lynn, Tiffany, Patrick, Edeline and Wayne at Ubin Lagoon Resort.

That place is just beautiful. I love the scenery. I love the people. I love EVERYTHING about that place. Their 2 managers, Christy and Raymond are really fun fellows to hang out with. Never had such a great time for such a long period. A good change of environment.

I applied for a vacation job there and Christy says he'll call me if there's vacancies. Yippie! I wanna stay there like forever! They're gonna have a house party in early March. Maybe I'll make another trip down just to indulge myself in that beautiful atmosphere. =)

Brother says I'm attracting all the older guys. But what can I do? It's just my luck that guys around my age ain't attracted to my ugly self.

hearts 23:23:00
0 spoken words

Saturday, February 14, 2004

Went out for a dinner date with Shiyan. We were joking and making fun of each other the whole night. Quite a change from the dull side of life I've been confining myself into.

It's my first Valentine alone without a boyfriend by my side. Thought I'll be lonely, I am, but luckily I've wonderful friends who are willing to chill out with me.

I miss you.


You do not.

hearts 03:55:00
0 spoken words

Friday, February 13, 2004

I wonder... in my deepest thoughts...

Who are you spending Valentine's with this year?

I miss you but I know you don't care.

hearts 21:58:00
0 spoken words

As a Princess you recognize there is so much about the world you need to learn. You may sometimes be naive but other times you are wise beyond your years! You are sharp, observant, joyous, and interested in your own personal growth. You have a very caring heart, and are a sweet and beautiful woman.

Which Royalty Are You? Find out! By Nishi.

You are an Ocean Beauty!
Like the ocean itself,
You are deep, complex, ever-changing,
Turbulent and chaotic,
Yet also calm and peaceful

Which Woman of Beauty Are You? Find out! By Nishi

Tsai Wen-chi was the beautiful daughter of the famous Han dynasty scholar, Tsai Yung. Toward the end of the Eastern Han era, amid the chaotic political upheavals and foreign invasions, she was taken hostage by the barbarian king. There, in an alien land, she languished for twelve years, until the warlord Chou negotiated her release. Upon her return, Wen-chi found her father had passed away, leaving reams of essays and manuscripts in disarray. Thereupon she made the vow that she would not rest until his work was finished. The end result was a compilation of over four hundred volumes that took years to complete, and became a Chinese literary classic.

Which Woman of Legend Are You? Find out! By Nishi.

hearts 21:38:00
0 spoken words

Are you going after another girl?

Are you in love with another girl?

These questions keep barging into my train of thoughts that I can't take it anymore.

I keep hearing your voice playing on within my head.

Don't ever leave me, k?

I keep hearing you saying this line in my head.

The pure torture.

The agony.

I wish to die.

hearts 15:26:00
0 spoken words

Through It All

You are forever in my life
You see me through the seasons
Cover me with Your hand
And lead me in Your righteousness

And I look to you
And I wait on You

I'll sing to You Lord
A hymn of love
For Your faithfulness to me
I'm carried in everlasting arms

You'll never let me go
Through it all


--- Taken from Hillsongs

hearts 00:05:00
0 spoken words

Thursday, February 12, 2004

I'm feeling freaking lethargic.

Called him yesterday and I realise once again, how much control you have over my emotions. Just one word and I'm cheered up. Just one mention of you and another girl and I'm all curled up in my bed, crying.

Why do you have such power over my emotions? Why?

I need to know the answers...

I'm going insane.

Am still quite in shock. Didn't expect Mel to really buy a Valentine's present for me. It's weird. Just weird.

hearts 21:39:00
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Went to ECP for some reflection and ended up crying again. Guess I'm just too emotional to be handled. Wayne called and he was like shock to find out I'm there alone but I was like I just wanna be alone. I told Bud about what the doctor said and he insists that I see a psychiatrist cos I'm basically going way out of control. He even offered to accompany me there but I told him that I'm just too afraid to let some stranger into my life. Drank a bottle of sub zero.

On my way back, maybe due to the fact that I didn't really eat much the whole day, I felt kinda faint. As I was crossing the road, a lorry came speeding towards me. I quickly stop in my track. Just one more step and I'll be gone. It was that close. I stared at the driver. The driver stared back at me. I just shook my head and walk forth in complete trance.

Then I started thinking, "Why didn't I step forth? Then my miseries will all end..."

Lotsa thoughts in my mind right now and I'm feeling down again. Nobody even knows why...

hearts 02:06:00
0 spoken words

Wednesday, February 11, 2004

Fluoxetine. I've been given this drug to take. I feel like hiding under my blanket and shielding myself away from all these unbearable pains - physical and emotional. There are so many thoughts within my mind that I wish I could cement-fill my brain just to block them out. I can hear my soul and heart screaming till their throats gone hoarse. Screaming in pain, screaming in pure agony but my mind refused to listen.

It went dead on me. In the medical world, I should be called a vegetable cos though I'm alive, I just seem to be an invisible entity who seeks comfort in her little bed and never wanna get up. Doctor says I need to open up and talk more freely about what's truly troubling me within. Open up? Open up my little world to the menace out there? How could I ever take such a impulsive risk? I'll only be letting in more hurt and pain than ever... and getting betrayed like before. She asked me to learn how to trust.

Trust? What does trust mean?

1) Firm reliance on the integrity, ability, or character of a person or thing.
2) The condition and resulting obligation of having confidence placed in one
3) One in which confidence is placed.
4) Reliance on something in the future.

If that's what trust mean, I'm sorry that I'm unable to. I'm coming to trust Brother yet I'm in fear. Anthropophobia. Morbid aversion to or dread of human companionship. I don't even have complete trust in Buddy... But I did completely trust one individual but he betrayed my trust, in fact he hurt me so much that I don't see how I can ever have complete trust and faith in any relationship or anyone. The hurt is just too immense. Once bitten twice shy. No way am I gonna allow another person into my world, the same way in which I allowed him in. No. The risk is too much.

The doctor further recommended me to see either a psychologist or psychiatrist. She's the 2nd doctor to ask me to see one.

Psychologist - A person trained and educated to perform psychological research, testing, and therapy.

Psychiatrist - A physician who specializes in psychiatry.

I just stared a the doctor blankly. Is she nuts? How can I ever have the full confidence to confide such stuff to these people who only knows how to evaluate and diagnose? I rather shut myself into my own little world and be an autistic child. I rather remain muted for the rest of my life as I continue my self-destruction. Give up on me. Just give up on me. For I've given up all hopes upon myself.

When I walked out of your bedroom door, all I felt was the sharp stabbing of the knife. Slowly. Carefully. The knife carved "Forever Loving You" upon my bleeding heart. You called me names but my ears shut off the insults. Perversive actions played out by you but my eyes shut off the outraging moves. You hurt me with your lies but my heart chose to listen to the hidden truth. When I walked out of your bedroom door, I knew I'm stuck... in loving you.

hearts 18:26:00
0 spoken words

During Comm Issues today, Brian Lee played an anime called Grave of Fireflies I think. When I saw Setshuko, my immediate thought flew to Sonia. No matter what happens, I'll protect Sonia like how Seita protects Setshuko. When I saw how Setshuko tried to stay strong and sensible for her Brother's sake till the extent of her dying... I really wanted to cry but no tears would fall. I cannot imagine my world without Sonia. No, I can't. She's like the last pure joy I'll ever come in touch with for a long, long times. I rather bear all her sufferings for her and let her have a smooth-sailing life and never have to taste the bitterness of hurt and pain. I love her so dearly but nobody knows...

After class, I took a cab down to East Coast Park. Earlier on, I had just taken 3 panadol extra strong. I bought DNA there and broke my promise once more. I'm sorry bud, Brother and Amanda. I know I promised but I'm too weak. Staring out into the sea, I saw couple after couple walking in front of me. That blissful image just stabbed me and pain swished in so immediately and sharply that I cried out. Happy families, loving couples, young and old. When will I be able to taste the sweet eternal bliss? I'm not worthy...

Grandma and Great-grandma suddenly came back into my thoughts. Why didn't the both of you take me with you to the other life journey? Why did the both of you leave me behind? I miss the both of you so much. Come and take me with you please! I just wanna be by both of your sides... I miss you two... Grandma... Great-grandma, if only both of you are still around, you two would have been able to give good advice as to what to do but both of you had to leave me behind.

I feel so alone and torn. And nobody shall ever know why.

hearts 00:47:00
0 spoken words

Tuesday, February 10, 2004

Just changed my background song to something that I truly identify with now...

I wish I could turn back time
I wish I'd never have to see that look in your eyes
You really broke this heart of mine
Now it's time to realise it's forever goodbye

So here I am
All alone
Don't understand where did we go wrong
I can't stop crying
Can't take the pain
Knowing you won't ever be back again

And it cuts like a knife
I'm going insane
Wishing you would show me love
Once again
I'm losing my mind
But I have to carry on
We were meant to be together
Forever as one

So this is where the story ends
Gonna take some time to dry the tears in my eyes
You told me we could still be friends
Now I know your promises were nothing but lies

So here I am
All alone
Don't understand where did we go wrong
I can't stop crying
Can't take the pain
Knowing you won't ever be back again

And it cuts like a knife
I'm going insane
Wishing you would show me love
Once again
I'm losing my mind
But I have to carry on
We were ment to be together
Forever as one

You promised me so many things. You said so many things. Even after countless times of hurt and pain, I still believed you but you failed me. You kept failing me. Now all I have left is silence... and only pure silence...

hearts 04:02:00
0 spoken words

You are the blue moonlight. You are peaceful and serene, kind and loving. Your heart never stears you wrong. You let out uncertainess with tears, and you let out fear with light. The blue light means distance. You are afraid to get to close to people. You have been betrayed once before and can't do it again. Your dream job could consist of a counsler or a traveler. You love humanity and lonliness. You will have love in your life and will never pass by unnoticed. Your beauty attracts many, but your personality is rare. The uniqness in your mind will always separate you. You can always find yourself lingering near the ocean, thinking about life. Your head seema to be up in the clouds, though you body is down omn Earth. You change and each time come back a better person. The blue moonliht will always guide to safety in the darkest hour.

You are a Waiting angel. You stay inside your little world waiting for that special someone to come and take you away. You hope that the day that your love will come will be soon, and no one can pick on you for wanting to save yourself. On the other hand, your hopes decrease every day that you suffer. Try to hold on a bit longer...

If I'm that rare and unique and attract many, why do I feel so alienated from everybody else? Faults lie within my dark soul as I contemplate once again to leave unnoticed... In silence shall I depart.

hearts 03:30:00
0 spoken words

Monday, February 09, 2004

I'm feeling farking hurt and nobody shall know why. =)

My cap is my only defense
Against all the treacheries.
It gives me anonymity
And the freedom to roam.

In day, I wear it not as shade
But to hide away my swollen eyes.
In night, I wear it not as fad
But to hide away my tearing face.

It has brought me attention,
Stares and some unwanted ogling.
Yet it has given me liberty
In my choice of leading a lone life.

My cap is my only confidante,
Seeing all my tears and
Hearing all of my thoughts.
My cap shields me from you.

hearts 22:14:00
0 spoken words

Went out to catch Last Samurai with Chengsing today. Had a splitting headache during dinner.

Sigh. I woke up recalling how many bottles of Heineken I had last night. No wonder Bro said I drank alot. :zips: I think I'm just nuts.

hearts 00:17:00
0 spoken words

Sunday, February 08, 2004

Went to sentosa today but I felt like getting away from everything. Just felt so distant away from everybody else.

After that, I went for drama lessons and realised that lotsa work has to be done. Obviously I didn't really enjoy what I found out and was totally stressed out by the time class ended.

Then I left for our church barbecue. Only Carol turned up but well, at least one turned up. I can't ask for too much, can I? Afterall, I'm not exactly a fantastic Christian on my own.

Met Kelvin, Jeff, Gerald, Andrew, Billy, Tiffany, Cynthia, Anna and Michael for drinks at Fisherman Village after that. Brother came and join us later. Brother and I left slightly earlier and he sent me home. On my way up to my floor, he said to me, "today drink alot hor?" It has been quite a while since I last drank.

Sorry Brother but I am cutting down, ain't I? =)

hearts 06:01:00
0 spoken words

Saturday, February 07, 2004

What is friendship?

Isn't friendship a bond shared by individuals of the same clique and be there for one another? Yet why do I feel a sense of detachment?

I'm really sorry, my friend, for not being there when you needed someone the most.
I'm really sorry, my friend, for thinking that I'm good enough a friend when I haven't even done the basics.

It hurts to see you in this state of joy on the surface yet fears and depression swirls deep in your soul.

I'll be praying real hard. I promise. I will!!!

I'm the worst friend anybody could ever have.
I'm the worst sister anybody could ever have.
I'm the worst daughter anybody could ever have.
I'm just some farked-up individual in her teens
Screwing up other people's lives after her own.

So leave this bitch alone to her own deserts.
Let her despair within her sorrow and tears.
Let her dwell within her own depression.
She, who is selfish, shall live on her own
Distant away from every wonderful individuals.

hearts 02:39:00
0 spoken words

Spoke to Ms. Ang today about what the doctor said. She says maybe I shouldn't go straight to a psychiatrist, rather go to a counsellor and just talk about things. But I'm afraid. I've never really let anyone into my tiny little world except him and he hurt me so much. How can I trust to let another person into my world? No. I don't care. I won't let it happen. No more. NO MORE! I wanna shut off all the hurt and pain. Any possible source shall be shut away from me. I shall live in total isolation. No more hurts. No more pains. No more... love.

A world without love seems so sad and gloomy.

I feel so lethargic. Probably the sedatives are still hard at work to keep me calm. Bought Panadol Actifast and Brother says I'm taking panadol as sweets. But I beg to differ. If I really take them as sweets, I should be dead by now.

I'm tired.

I seriously wish I'm dead since living seems worse than death.

hearts 01:38:00
0 spoken words

Friday, February 06, 2004

Went to see the doctor today again.

Was asked whether I wanna see the shrink for over-stress and depression.

I don't know.

I rather take sedatives till I drop dead.

hearts 02:18:00
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Thursday, February 05, 2004

Jasmine Ortega is through to the next round of American Idol!!! Omigosh. I love that girl!!! I hope she'll get in. I really, really hope so!!!

hearts 02:02:00
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Wednesday, February 04, 2004

I'm sorry for me buggin' you
sorry for being such a fool
God knows I've tried but I can't let go
I'm crazy 'bout you know who

I'm sorry for me needing you
sorry girl that you don't feel it too
I get the point, should be a man about it
I've never been good at that - no no

forgive me for being me
I've tried to let go

I know you got a boyfriend - another man
another guy by your side
someone who hopefully treats you right
but you don't know how much I wish that I was

your boyfriend - that other guy
the only one who's allowed
in your room to lay in your arms at night
now you don't know how much I wish that I was your boyfriend

I'm sorry for me wanting you
sorry for not playing by the rules
but what would you do if you were in my shoes
feeling lost and blue Mnn

I'm sorry for me lovin' you
sorry for being such a fool
God knows I've tried but I can't let go
I'm crazy 'bout you know who

another man is by your side
I hope he treats you right
I wish I was the only one
to lay in your arms at night
well you can't blame a guy for tryin'
now what else can I do
and how I wish that my prayers, thoughts and dreams
would become reality

-- 5566's Boyfriend

The bolded words describes exactly how I feel... All I have left are a bunch of apologies. And all I can ever say to you is I'm sorry for loving you...

hearts 22:17:00
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Had diarrheoa this morning. -sigh-

As I was walking back from the clinic, I heard laughters ringing in the air. Clear and sunny sky with children's laughters, it was such a perfect scene if not for this imperfection - me. I was like the nemesis in this setting, feeling only pure jealousy at this delightful side.

Dangerously envious at those kids. How could they laugh with no cares in this world? How could they be so untouched by society? Their laughters sounded so pure and innocent. How could they?? Jealousy raged as I stared at those individuals and all they did was smile in unison. The purity of them. The ice broke. I smiled back... How could I? Just because I can no longer feel pure joy and happiness and laugh laughters of purity and innocence, it doesn't mean I've the right to stop anyone from feeling them.

I shaked my head in reply. I've been so selfish. I wanted the entire world to drown in my misery only to realise that as each and every individual amongst my midst fell into that pit, my hurt and guilt just grew and grew. I'm such a selfish bitch.

Then I turned to look at those kids again. I want to be like them. All smiles with no cares and worries. I wanna be a 5 years old again. I wanna be trapped in that frame of time and never ever break out of it... Let me be trapped in that frame of time and forget all that has brought me immense hurt and pain.. O. Let me.

hearts 16:58:00
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Raining down upon me,
My naked body shivered,
The coldness of the water
Woke me up to reality.

Lethargic I've been feeling,
Losing, fearing and escaping,
Brought me down on my knees
As my own rain started pouring.

Tears rained drop after drop,
Cries of weariness sobbed,
All I felt was wave after wave
Of hurt and pain piercing within.

"Hold on, my child, hold on."

Voice within my head played on,
Amplifying as each second ticks,
My tears began to dry as I stared
In realisation of my destiny.

hearts 00:12:00
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Tuesday, February 03, 2004

Went to Taka for lunch with Priya, Reh, Beizhen and Peini. After lunch, I wanted to get water to drink so I went to Cold Storage and look for mineral water.

Guess what I saw?! I saw bottles after bottles of wine and liquor. I was so freaking tempted to just buy one bottle but cos I promised I will cut down so I just lower down my head and walked away fast.

Such a bloody fool I am. Crying in the morning and within 1 hour I was laughing and joking, only to feel the tear within my heart. :D

hearts 23:47:00
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Ernie messaged me to say that he wanna share what I said about Sunday's cell meeting. I felt very honored that something so simple as my writings can be used to affirm and encourage. Just glad that my writings can help others... even if it can't help me.

Standing by the door,
Looking all around,
Searching for a soul
That will retain mine.

Your soul stood still,
Staring coldly at me,
Imploring my every moves
Pushing me away fearfully.

I turned and walked,
Crying all the hurt and pain,
Waiting for your cuddles
To bring joy back within me.

Sitting on that cold bench,
Hearing with distant interest,
Trashing away that thought
Which will bring me to you.

hearts 04:20:00
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Went to Jakob's place for yu sheng. Felt faint halfway, probably due to lack of food. Didn't really eat the entire day. Then again, I've been on a 1 meal diet for this whole week.

After having a wonderful supper, I went back to Jakob's place and drank red wine. I think I took like 5 cups of it and Brother was like going, "go slow on the wine". LOL. The wine was still rather young, quality not so fabulous but it was still drinkable.

Cried again today. You don't know how much I miss you...

hearts 01:49:00
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Monday, February 02, 2004

I had another bottle of DNA yesterday. Don't know why but I just felt damn tired. -sigh-

Today, I went for combined cell meeting. Dickson's words stabbed me from within. I never knew how torn I was till I heard what Senior Pastor Vincent, Pastor Joseph and Brother Dickson spoke. As they sang in worship, I was struggling with my tears. Was struggling so hard. So so hard that finally, before Dickson called us to step forth and kneel before our Lord, the first drop of tear fell upon my clutched hands.

When I stepped forth, I just cried. Kept crying out to the Lord. I was so sorry. Sorry that I've been blaming Him for the breakdown of my relationship. Sorry that I've been blaming Him for putting me through so much misery. Sorry that I've been a poor Christian. Sorry that I've been to afraid to be committed to Him.

I've taken up many, many commitments in the past. One by one, they all failed me. When Mervin left me, it was the last straw. I was so committed in making things work but things still fell apart. I just didn't dare to commit anymore. Yet, Dickson called out a challenge - Commit yourself to God. I wanted to say no cos I was afraid but when I knelt before Him and cried out all of my worries and fears, I knew I would say yes.

Yes, Lord. I wanna be committed to you. Many have failed me but I know You'll never fail me. I'm sorry for being a poor Christian. Teach me to be fruitful, Lord, please.

I gave bud a call and started telling him alot of stuff. Bud, take good care of yourself. You've been there for me all this time. It's our 7th year of friendship and bud, I'm really grateful for you. Without you, I think I'm probably dead in the streets. But soon bud, I'll leave Singapore. I'm afraid. I won't have you to fall back on. I won't have Brother to fall back on. I won't know what to do. I'm so reluctant to leave and go to L.A. What am I going to do when I'm down? I really don't know. Bud, thanks for everything.

hearts 01:12:00
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Sunday, February 01, 2004

I thought I could get past this day as sunny as the sky today.

I thought I could get past this day with the mask I came to love so much.

1 bottle of DNA. That's all it took for me to just wanna go away... alone.

I thought things can't get that bad after how shitty I felt.

Then I heard the song that's forever playing in my heart.

Love, Me by Collin Raye.

I died.

hearts 00:01:00
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