walking contradiction

25 years old.
a girl of irony.
studying in university of new south wales - ba/llb.
living and let live.
truly blessed by His and his love.

Created by Wedding Favors

time constrained


another dimension



partners in crime
benje. carol. crystal. daniel ho. davina. doreen. evelyn. ingrid. iniQx. jac. jess. julian. karen. kimberly. leon. li en. mabel. melissa. nick. shirley. stefan. xiaowei. yee huat. yusuf. zhong ying.


communication channels
christian forum. keeptouch forum. heartlight. save our tree e-magazine. yesterday .sg. good morning yesterday. riverlife. 陳志明.
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. feelings and thoughts .

past inhabited
August 2003
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Friday, April 30, 2004

Beautiful Boxer.
Inspiring.
Thought-provoking.

Motivates me to be myself.
But who am I?
Feeling lost once again.

I saw you in my dreams again... it's haunting.

hearts 00:41:00
0 spoken words

Thursday, April 29, 2004

I screwed up.

You know that meaning?

-sigh-

I wish you were here by my side.

hearts 01:58:00
0 spoken words

Wednesday, April 28, 2004

94 pieces of paper.

94 pieces of clean white paper.

Stained by dark black ink...

hearts 16:10:00
0 spoken words


I wish I could laugh in the day and tell myself that it's real.

I wish I could laugh in the night, without having it to be a pretend.

hearts 04:26:00
0 spoken words


Kill Bill Vol. 2 is fucking stupid. Don't watch it. It's lame. There's not enough blood. And what's up with the sentimental mummy's touch. It's supposed to be blood-filled! -sigh-

Another fantasy of mine ruined.

hearts 01:28:00
0 spoken words

Tuesday, April 27, 2004

Watched Kill Bill Vol. 1.
Bloody hilarious movie. I swear no other movies cracks me up more than this damn movie.

Watched 50 First Dates as well.
Fucking wonderful. Man shall get their just deserts! LOL.

Watching Kill Bill Vol. 2.
More laughters shall be entertained. Fountains of blood shall flow.

hearts 02:20:00
0 spoken words

Monday, April 26, 2004

The night was Valentine's. She was all alone in this dull world. Sure, she had her friends by her side. Four of them playing cards. Two playing pool and another just stoning. Yes, stoning by the lagoon along with her. Her mind drifted slowly back to that very day how she was suddenly thrown from light to complete darkness. How she was thrown out of her comfort zone.

Then he stood forth and introduced himself. She was captivated by his charming smile. He was attracted by the aura exuded from her. They spoke lots that night and felt the instant attraction. They were both lonely souls on this planet, seeking companionship. They both understood the implications of things if they were to be together but nevertheless, the risk was taken and she was lured back into the light with the new man along.

Soon, his work became an issue between the both of them. They quarreled over it and the girl just cried silently over it. She never wanted to stress him out. She only wanted the best for him. In her heart, she made a painful decision. The painful decision of letting her love go.

That very night, he was turning and tossing in his bed. He had to make a decision. He didn't wanna take her for a ride. He didn't feel that he has done his duty as her boyfriend. She has been patient but he has taken her for granted. He made the decision of letting her go.

When the decision was made to each other, she responded in laughters when all she wanted to do was cry. He hugged her at their favorite spot up on that hill. It was for the last time. They kissed and sealed the end to their relationship with it. He needed the freedom to continue what he love to do best - socialise and the only way was to say goodbye. She needed the closure to continue loving him from afar and the only way was to accept the bittersweet goodbye.

Goodbyes are never meant to be easy...

hearts 01:13:00
0 spoken words

Sunday, April 25, 2004

Why can't I just get you out of my head?

LEAVE!

hearts 23:21:00
0 spoken words


You promised never to let me go!
You promised!

But you broke it.

I thought I was over you...
But the tears are still here.

hearts 20:22:00
0 spoken words


Got introduced to you my friend
You were cute and all that, baby you set the trend
Yes you did oh
The next thing I know were down at the cinema
We're sitting there, you said you loved me
What's that about?

You're moving too fast, I don't understand you
I'm not ready yet, baby I can't pretend
No I can't
The best I can do is tell you to talk to me
It's possible, eventual
Love will find a way
Love will find a way...

[Chorus:]
Don't say you love me
You don't even know me
If you really want me
Then give me some time
Don't go there baby
Not before I'm ready
Don't say your heart's in a hurry
It's not like we're gonna get married
Give me, give me some time

Here's how I play, here's where you stand
Here's what to prove to get any further than where it's been
I'll make it clear, not gonna tell you twice
Take it slow, you keep pushing me
You're pushing me away
Pushing me away...

[Chorus]

[Bridge:]
oooo, na, na, na, na, na, na, na
na, na, na, na, na, na
oooo, na, na, na, na, na, na, na
na, na, na, na, na, na, na

Don't say you love me
You don't even know me baby...

Baby don't say love me, baby
Give me some time...

-- Don't Say You Love Me by M2M

hearts 17:08:00
0 spoken words


It's past 12.
I've cramps.
Menstruation.

You called.
You emailed.
Tell me, why?

You told me to let you go, so why are you doing these to me? Letting go is hard enough without your calls and mails...

hearts 04:32:00
0 spoken words


I cheered.
Don't ask me what for.
I just cheered.

and I thank God for being in my life...

hearts 00:08:00
0 spoken words

Saturday, April 24, 2004

Why did you call again?

hearts 17:18:00
0 spoken words


Girl,

Don't worry.
I'm here for you.
No matter what happens.
I'll still be here, by your side,
Holding you up.

Be strong.

hearts 16:17:00
0 spoken words


Had Corona and Vodka Lime.

Pillai wasn't there.

Those who knew what happen, it happened again today.

hearts 03:15:00
0 spoken words

Friday, April 23, 2004

Hatred stirs up dissension, but love covers over all wrongs.

--Proverbs 10:12, New International Version

hearts 16:28:00
0 spoken words


My prayers have been answered by my Lord!
Christy ain't coming after all!

I'm carried in everlasting arms, You'll never let me go through it all...

hearts 11:49:00
0 spoken words


I can't sleep.
It's getting onto me.
Can't lie to myself anymore.
Denials. Denials. Denials.

Your face just keeps surfacing.
Tormenting...
Lord, why? Why?
I just can't understand.

When all I yearn for becomes a nightmare to live in, tell me, what am I to do?

hearts 06:54:00
0 spoken words


Went to Hard Rock today.
Saw Pillai.
Gave me free drinks again.
Thanks!

Christy says he'll be joining my friends and I at Hard Rock tomorrow.
How am I gonna face him?

-sigh-

God bless.

P.S. Pillai said something to me that shall only be told to be people whom I close with. LOL.

hearts 03:35:00
0 spoken words

Thursday, April 22, 2004

Lift me up, take me high,
Take me higher than I've been before,
I need time, time to find
The road to my destiny

Heaven help me
On a cloud, cloud of happiness is where I wanna be
Still in my mind, I'm running out of time
So heaven lift me up

Scared to laugh, scared to cry,
For fear of my own contradiction
Maybe I should try and cover my real reason
For God's sake, heaven lift me up

Wasn't supposed to be this way
Got too much of my own say
Never thought that I'd be standing at the gates of heaven
At the gates of heaven, heaven lift me up

Come on and life me - lift me up, ooh-oh, yeah

Lift me high, above the clouds where the birds fly
I'm feeling free - let heaven do the work for me
Looking over this crazy city where we're living
I've seen it, done it, it's just the way I've been

Wasn't supposed to be this way
Got too much of my own say
Never thought that I'd be standing
At the gates of heaven....

At the gates of heaven - heaven lift me up
Come on lift me - lift me up, ooh-oh, yeah

Take it, move it, feel like it's yours
Hoping you'll find what you're looking for, baby
Baby
What you're looking for

Take it, move it, feel like it's yours
Hoping you'll find what you're looking for, baby
Baby
What you're looking for

I won't fake (I won't fake)
I won't break (I won't break)
No way no way
No [Shaz & Mel]

At the gates of heaven [Mel, Nat & Nic]
(Never thought that I'll be standing)
At the gates of heaven [Mel, Nat & Nic]
(At the gates of heaven)

At the gates of heaven [Mel, Nat & Nic]
At the gates of heaven [Mel, Nat & Nic]
(At the gates of heaven)
At the gates of heaven [Mel, Nat & Nic]
(Never thought that I'll be standing)

At the gates of heaven[Mel, Nat & Nic]
(Heaven lift me up)
Heaven lift me up [Mel, Nat & Nic]

Take it, move it, feel like its yours [Mel, Nat & Nic]
Hoping to find what you're looking for [Mel, Nat & Nic]
(At the gates of heaven)
What you're looking for? [Mel, Nat & Nic]

Take it, move it, feel like yours [Mel, Nat & Nic]
Hoping to find what you're looking for baby (baby) [Mel, Nat & Nic]
(Heaven lift me up)
What you're looking for? [Mel, Nat & Nic]

Take it, move it, feel like yours [Mel, Nat & Nic]
(Never thought that I'll be standing)
Hoping to find what you're looking for, baby (baby)

-- All Saints' Heaven

hearts 18:26:00
0 spoken words


"I've been hurt before. I can handle this. What's this compared to the previous? It's an easy feat."

Then tears started falling. Eyes looking towards the sky. Crying out to the Lord.

"Why, Lord? Why me again? I just wanna be happy. Is it that difficult?

She had held happiness in her hand before but He wanted her to go through much to fully understand the meaning of it. But she doesn't realise His plans. She just wanna be happy. Who doesn't wish for it? That's all she ever yearned for.

"Please Lord. I do not want to be abused anymore. I do not wanna be hurt anymore. My heart can take no more stabs like these. Am I not fated for anyone? Am I not fated to be loved and cherished? Why, Lord, why? Why one after another? Why tears after tears? Why do they only fall for these men..."

She threw her head back and forth. Her head was throbbing in pain... But that pain was nothing compared to the pain she felt in her heart.

Happiness eludes...

hearts 03:30:00
0 spoken words


I just wanna be happy.
Why is it so difficult?

A simple relationship is never simple; men is complicated.

hearts 01:46:00
0 spoken words


I know I said I'm fine.

Now I know the meaning of denial.

hearts 01:36:00
0 spoken words

Wednesday, April 21, 2004

I'm fine now guys. Thanks alot.

God has a bigger plan for me and Christy was just a pit stop in my life.

hearts 16:41:00
0 spoken words


I just need a good cry.

That's all.

hearts 14:18:00
0 spoken words


We broke up.

hearts 03:48:00
0 spoken words

Tuesday, April 20, 2004

I saw him.
Yes.
The sweet face.
I miss him.

hearts 00:40:00
0 spoken words

Monday, April 19, 2004

Nothing came through.

Nothing.

hearts 22:34:00
0 spoken words


Repent, then, and turn to God, so that your sins may be wiped out, that times of refreshing may come from the Lord. Acts 3:19

To you-know-who-you-are.

hearts 15:32:00
0 spoken words


What's the color of the sun?
What's the color of the sea?

Ah. My platform.
My connection to my dear Lord.

I miss the sea.
I miss the beach.

Palawan Beach is calling me!

hearts 04:24:00
0 spoken words


-huggles bud-

Standing by you till the day you reject my very presence.

You're the only one person that I trust so much in.

Be strong.

I'm always here for you.

hearts 02:42:00
0 spoken words

Sunday, April 18, 2004

Sedate me to sleep.
Slave to pills.
Modern technologies did me in.

I'm but a bottle of drugs.

hearts 16:21:00
0 spoken words


Added a new link where I'm making myself comfortable in.

All Christian friends, you should check that forum out. ^_^

hearts 02:36:00
0 spoken words

Saturday, April 17, 2004

Saw them on someone's blog.

This love is not jealous. Instead it feels for the other. It is only satisfied when the other is happy. It will do whatever it can to make the other partner happy, because you have this bond, this link that makes you feel what the other feels. I don’t know if this link ever breaks.

I read it without much thought but as the night caves in; my thoughts swirled uncontrollably and I realised.

I've had 3 past relationships and none of it belonged to this category. They all belonged to this other category:-

There are those lovers that you fall in love with and you are jealous. You are so in love with them, that when they spend time with someone else, you are jealous. You are so hurt when you find out that they have found someone else, even long after you have broken up with them. That’s a jealous love. It’s possessive. Many people love that way, and are happy that way. As long as they trust their partners all is fine. Yet, as soon as there is the smallest cause to doubt, this love breaks to pieces, jealousy breaks it up. This is the constant struggle to gain and keep trust that so many people talk about when they say marriage is a struggle.

I never knew how to love love. Maybe that's why I never got round to it.

Tossed and turned endlessly on my bed.
Kicking my bolster to a side.
Fling and cast my comforter to the other.
Sat upright and hugged my teddy bears one by one.

I saw that dog. Yes, the one with the blue ribbon.
The only time I felt the first kinda love was when I fell for the one who gave me that dog.
But no, I never took the risk to be with him.
His friendship was much too precious.
And I'm thankful that I never took that risk.

I gathered back my bolster and my comforter.
Placed my teddies all nicely back into place.
Staring out into the brightly-lit urban streets.
A smile formed upon my teary face.

This love that I felt for this other man so long ago...
Is exactly how I feel towards the man currently in my life.

And I thank God for teaching me this precious lesson.
I thank Him for preparing me for this day.
For removing the blindness within my eyes
That I shall not please anyone else but Him.
Only Him.

hearts 16:53:00
0 spoken words


Can't seem to get my music to work again.
Sigh.
Do I have no luck with the music?
-throws tantrum-
I want my music!

hearts 16:03:00
0 spoken words


Chop off my nose.
Somebody.

I'm sneezing.
So are you.
But are you missing me
The same that I do?

hearts 00:11:00
0 spoken words

Friday, April 16, 2004

A note from him:

MISS U TOO
CHRISTY


I'm feeling it.
Finally. ^_^

hearts 21:27:00
0 spoken words


You were sneezing.

Ah. Yes.

They said it meant that somebody's missing you.

How true.

You have no idea how much I'm missing you.

hearts 14:38:00
0 spoken words


Thanks Lips.

Thanks for calling.

It's worth so much...

hearts 03:29:00
0 spoken words


Just a transit.
Nothing much.
The terminal is nowhere near.
No sour feelings.
Leave, just leave.
Go find your terminal.
Elsewhere.

hearts 00:45:00
0 spoken words

Thursday, April 15, 2004

I need help.

How do you use powerweb music?

I'm lost.

I miss my musics.

hearts 15:13:00
0 spoken words


I'm freaked.
Like down to the bones.

Chills ran down my spine endlessly.
Would have cried if not cos I was in public.

Migosh.
The fear.
It's horrendous.

hearts 00:59:00
0 spoken words

Wednesday, April 14, 2004

Public Relations.
Web Design Applications.
TV Studio Productions.

Modules.
Exams.
School.

Prozac Nation spoke out to me: Is there really no cure for depression?

hearts 18:12:00
0 spoken words


Lying on the bed.
Lights beaming over your head.
Your breathing gets deeper.
Your breathing gets slower.
Your eyelids are feeling heavy.

Their hands got busy.
Their voices all over the place.
You couldn't see what they were doing.
All you see is a flurry of whites, greens and silvers.
Then your eyes shuts you out.

I'll be waiting here.

Good luck.

hearts 03:15:00
0 spoken words


Angelina Jolie.
Ethan Hawke.

You two can take my life.
Anytime.

hearts 01:19:00
0 spoken words

Tuesday, April 13, 2004

Lips is gonna get me a new bikini from Down Under! Yippee!

Running out of anti-depressants.
Ran out of sleeping pills.
Argh.

Time for the doc... Again. Damn.

hearts 02:23:00
0 spoken words


To my dearest Pinky.

Please do accept my most sincere apologies for deciding to desert you for a free ride home.

Lotsa love,

lala

hearts 00:49:00
0 spoken words

Monday, April 12, 2004

The fears were screaming out.
One has fallen.
How many more to go?

Sanity within insanity.

hearts 23:02:00
0 spoken words


Just hearing your voice makes me feel brand new.

Doubts are still around
But baby, my joy is brought upon by you.

Only you.

hearts 00:20:00
0 spoken words

Sunday, April 11, 2004

I didn't get in. I was disappointed.

Then a nightmare hit me in the nights, turning me to my pills...

Once more.

hearts 21:38:00
0 spoken words

Friday, April 09, 2004

In less than 16 hours time, two milleniums ago, He took the fall.

And thought of me, above all.

hearts 01:49:00
0 spoken words

Thursday, April 08, 2004

She took a pair of scissors and snipped it.

Period.

hearts 16:05:00
0 spoken words

Wednesday, April 07, 2004

Eyes were blinded.
The string felt loose.
She thought it has broken.
180 degrees turn later.
The string felt stretched once more.

It was never broken.
But she was blind.

hearts 23:55:00
0 spoken words


Places of residence.

The two exteriors looked similar but one was older than the other. One was brighter; one was dull.
Yet, interiors of these two differed.
Warm and cozy was the old.
Cold and distant was the new.

You had grown from a child to who you are now.

You've lost your innocence.

Your heart has changed.

hearts 03:35:00
0 spoken words

Monday, April 05, 2004

BBC - Bimbotic Bitchy Clara

Holy union speaks not to her yet her heart yearns for it's presence.

hearts 22:56:00
0 spoken words

Sunday, April 04, 2004

Dark gray clouds were looming over her as she stepped out of the gate. Heavy was her heart as her pace quickens to distant her from that building.

Those voices that spoke and laughed. She didn't feel belonged.

Those faces that greeted and smiled. She didn't find familiar.

Then the One that mattered tugged her heart so bad. She had seen Him suffer on screen. She had wanted so much to weep. Tears welled up within her eyes but all she did was... holding it back.

hearts 23:35:00
0 spoken words

Saturday, April 03, 2004

Trying to use PowerWeb music cos Bro's geocities upload of Come What May just doesn't seem to play. =( I think my music is down down down. -sigh-

Had a meeting with my interviewees, Clarence and Christopher today. I seriously think guys who bodybuilds are weird. I mean, what's up with the bulging muscles? Yuck. Darling thinks I'm being rude. I mean ya I know I'm rude but I've my opinions on certain issues right?

I'm tired. Tomorrow gotta select electives. I'm dead tired.

hearts 02:45:00
0 spoken words

Thursday, April 01, 2004

Answer me when I call to you,
O my righteous God.
Give me relieve from my distress;
Be merciful to me and hear my prayer

-- Psalm 4:1

THOUGHT:
At first, this cry for help seems very demanding. However,
closer inspection shows that this is really the cry of desperation.
Have you been there? I surely have and I regularly hear from folks
who are there now. But, read how this Psalm ends! What is the
secret to surviving a long agony? I believe three things are
important: 1) honesty in our prayer life with God, 2) confidence
that God hears and cares even when our prayers sizzle with pain and
frustration, and 3) genuine praise for God included in our prayers
even when things seem bleak. It's not a magical formula, but it is
a Spirit-inspired one -- check it out in Psalm 4!

PRAYER:
O God, please hear my cry for relief, as well as the relief of
those I love, from agony, burdens, and suffering. Please answer in
amazing and miraculous ways so that we may not only be relieved,
but so that you may be glorified as well. In Jesus' name I pray.
Amen.


Taken from Heartlight.com

-------

Lord, let me cry out to you my heart's fears and worries and may you please set this fluttering mind of mine at ease. Praise to you, my Lord.

You are forever in my life
You see me through the seasons
Cover me with your hands
And lift me in your righteousness
And I look to you
And I wait on you

I'll sing to you Lord
A hymn of love
For your faithfulness to me
I'm carried in everlasting arms
You'll never let me go
Through it all.

hearts 20:51:00
0 spoken words


You said you'll be there for me
But they were lies.
You said you'll cherish me
But you lied in drunks.

You called me your love
But what am I exactly?
You called me sweetie
But that's cos you never noticed.

You praised me saying I'm beautiful
But you were drunk from drinks.
You praised me saying I'm understanding
But silence is the only expression I've left.

My tears will flow,
My ink will write,
My hands will quiver.
My phone will not answer.

hearts 02:09:00
0 spoken words


I got shortlisted for CTV! Cheeries!

However, I'm feeling down.

It's at times like this, my mind wanders more than it should. So there. Leave me to my thoughts for a while.

I'll be fine... in a day or two.

hearts 00:11:00
0 spoken words