walking contradiction

25 years old.
a girl of irony.
studying in university of new south wales - ba/llb.
living and let live.
truly blessed by His and his love.

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Saturday, April 30, 2005

I'm going crazy in my own little way.
Telling myself not to suffocate you with my incessant messages and calls.
Yet, I find myself doing just what I set out not to do.
Gotta tie up my arms,
Gotta tie up my fingers,
Gotta seal my mouth.

I'm getting too sticky in my crazy little world.
Where I envisioned only you and I alone away from this cold, dark world.
Yet, I find myself thrown back in the very world I escaped.
Gotta seal all doors,
Gotta seal all windows,
Gotta tie up all loose ends.

Then maybe my sanity can prevail.

33 days...

hearts 17:15:00
0 spoken words

I send you a short message with two questions on it but you didn't bother to reply. I've taken the answer to be yes for both though I'm hoping that it's otherwise.


Thanks for everything.
I will pull out.

I'm like any other girl who just want a guy whom she can be with and not have to share. I just want a guy who can love me and assure me when I'm at my lowest point in life. I just want a guy who can understand that at times, I like to be obssessive about stuff and that at times, I wanna run away from things as well. I just want you to know that I've been trying but somehow, I seem to be failing and all I can say is I'm sorry.

hearts 00:24:00
0 spoken words

Friday, April 29, 2005

Went over to Ingrid's place today with Zhongying to visit little Kievan and catch up with the new mum. Were talking about her marriage, were talking about pregnancy and talking about guys in general. LOL. Look at how the topics have evolved. I recall not long ago, we were talking about just plain guys. About those we were dating. Talking about life. We didn't talk about even getting married or having kids. We were just the regular teenagers but now, it's like evolved. We were gushing over how cute Kievan was and talking about the above topics.

Then towards the end of the conversation, the topic shifted to Gary. We were analyzing him and trying to understand why he's doing certain things. Zhongying thinks I'm hangin' on cos I can't seem to get him totally. Ingrid thinks he's hangin' on cos he can't seem to get me totally. It's an entire game of possession. Cynicism seems to rule the day as we second-guessed every single action and every single word. Gary did call me during the girl-talk session but I told him I'll call him back. I did but he didn't pick up so I guess, forget it. I told him to come read the blog cos I left an earlier note for him.

If he reads this now, I don't know what his reactions will be. I'm still too much of a cynic to be able to trust a man totally especially in such circumstances. Like the saying goes, what goes around, comes around. I know that someday, I'll get the retribution I deserve for causing these enormous amount of hurt on the other girl. I know some day I'll suffer for this decision. I know that there's always a possibility of him like another girl.

But I shall just let that last candle continue to burn and when that last drop finally meets the ground, I know I tried my best.

hearts 21:57:00
0 spoken words





Title: Practice
Singer: Andy Lau

If only a second is left,
And it can minimise tomorrow's pain,
I'm willing to give up everything
In exchange for the possibility of possession.
Happiness is now just a cup of sand,
As the sweet times clouds my eyes.
There will never be that simple past anymore,
Now, it's like a impossible wish.

I've began practising,
Began to get anxious,
Anxious of the world without you.
Made a pact with my tears not to cry,
Yet, how do you continue a love that's ticking away.

I'm practising everyday,
Getting familiar everyday
With the world that doesn't have you.
Tried to forget the world that we once share
And the happiness and memories that we had.

Love is like 10,000 acres of forest
And both of us were lost in it.
Didn't we say that we'll get out of it together?
How has it reduced to just me to leave?
To leave...


Just 34 days left but you don't seem to care... Guess it has all along been nothing more than just a wishful thinking on my side. Thought maybe there could really be a chance. Thought maybe there could really be a glimmer of hope. Now, even the last candle is melting to it's very last drop and you're not doing anything about it. Maybe this will be for the best. Maybe someday, I'll look back and smile at the memories we once shared. Maybe, just maybe. But now, I'm getting myself all geared up and prepared for 1st June 2005, when you'll walk out of my life and I'm back to where I was before I met you - alone.

Is there still that glimmer of hope? I wonder... Tell me, tell it to my face, don't hold out anymore false hopes for I just realised that I've fallen in a hole with no escape and it's a hole that's filling in fast. I'm being buried alive in this love that I still hope could salvage me...

hearts 17:24:00
0 spoken words

Thursday, April 28, 2005

Hm. Something is wrong. I can't seem to see my post despite me posting it once already. O well. I'm here to declare that I'm in love with Club Med Cherating. LOL. It's just so beautiful. If you don't believe, just click on the name and you'll see what I mean!!

hearts 16:01:00
0 spoken words

Saturday, April 23, 2005

What difference does it make
If I just stare out to nothingness?
At what expense of my soul
Do I pay in this sinful indulgence?

Somewhere along the timeline,
You told me to never give up.
Within the immediate future,
That tune began to go off-key.

Began planning for the myself,
For the day loneliness will be my pal.
Ending the incessant prayers
That maybe, happiness will stay.

At what price have I paid duly
For this moment of intense passion?
What difference does it make
If I decided to walk out of the door?

hearts 01:35:00
0 spoken words

Yesterday, I was too caught up in my own little world to talk about things so lemme update ya on something fascinating that happened yesterday.

So, you know now that I got upset with him but it was still manageable so we caught Sahara at Lido. Whilst we were watching, Wayne called me and I told him that I'm watching a movie and that I'll call him back. Then about less than an hour later, my bro messaged me - asking me where was I. By then, it was already the climax of the movie. I told him I was at Orchard and ask him what's up. He said that Jakob, Edeline, him and Wayne are meeting for food at Blk 85 and asked me if I wanna join them. I nearly went hysterical in the theatre.

I grabbed hold of him and said to him that we HAVE to rush to Blk 85, no matter what, straight after the movie and that's what he did. He actually asked me if I wanna leave the theatre there and then but I was like, the movie is ending, might as well finish it. By the way, the movie is not bad. Matthew McConaughey is REALLY HOT in the movie. Damn. No wonder Penelope Cruz chose him over Tom Cruise.

Anyway, so ya, I rushed down to Blk 85 with him and was greeted by their stares upon arriving. Jakob and Edeline is still almost the same but Jakob seems to have slimmed down quite a bit. Bro didn't have his specs on and it was kinda refreshing to see his small eyes. =P Wayne has hair sprouting out of his head. I mean, he used to have hair but they were of the spiky type, now they are like not spiky. Think 70s. =P

We started talking about lotsa stuff like the recent casino stuff and was catching up with one another. It has been quite a while since I've seen all of them. We were laughing and joking like the good ol' times. I was still in awe that I actually managed to meet them yesterday when I reach home. It's just one of those opportunities whereby you miss it, you'll probably have to wait a lifetime for it to be back again. LOL.

So ya, I managed to catch up with the elusive brother of mine, the dormant volcano likes and now 70s as well - Wayne, my ever pinky senior - Edeline and filled with her brand of laughter - Jakob. Damn. I miss them all. I'm glad I took the opportunity to meet up with them. A rare event... that will be remembered.

hearts 00:43:00
0 spoken words

Friday, April 22, 2005

Went to work today for Nu Skin for a 2 days assignment. Was doing a mind-less job and thus, freeing up loadsa time to think of matters that I've carefully chucked away for a while. In just 3 days' time, I'll be on my way to Cherating Beach and relaxing with him.

He came down to look for me after I knocked off but I couldn't locate him anywhere near the front door. Tried calling him a few times but there was no answer. I walked from Park Mall to Plaza Singapura and was about to give up and leave for home when he called me. He asked me where was I and I told him I was at Plaza Singapura. He was like "Why are you there? I thought I told you I'll be waiting for you at your workplace?" All I could utter at that time was sorry cos I really didn't recall him telling me that he's meeting me there, he just says that he reached.

The first thing he told me when I met him was that he was quarreling on the phone, that's why he couldn't pick up my call. I asked him what was the argument about and he said it's his mum calling to nag at him that he hasn't been home the past couple of days after the standby in camp. I felt sick in the stomach then. I wanted to tell him that maybe he should just go home and I should just head on home. I wanted to tell him that I seem to be getting him into loadsa unnecessary trouble. I wanted to tell him that his mum hates me but I didn't. I just kept quiet.

He, then, told me that he won't be meeting me the next day when I knock off cos "it's his turn to visit his friend's child". The irony is, despite the many weeks of planning to visit MY friend's kid, I've not gone cos he never seemed to have time for it but now, when it's HIS friend's kid, he has all the time in the world. I'm being bitter and I felt short-changed but I just kept quiet. I think he got the vibe that something's wrong with me cos he kept asking me what's wrong but I just kept saying nothing.

The last straw came when I saw that his keychain still bears the tag with his name and her name on it with a date. I just turned around and swallowed my tears back. I was actually very hungry but at that point in time, I just felt my whole body going numb and I had absolutely no appetite for anything. I just felt upset and was really on the verge of crying but I didn't. I just laughed and joked and smiled as per normal.

I've always wanted to be an actress when I was young and I am living my dreams. I'm a walking charade EVERY SINGLE DAY. The only time I'm true to myself is when I'm all alone, tucked away in a little corner at the back alley where I can not be seen and can never be heard. My tears will flow then and you know what, nobody will know. Cos the moment I stepped out of the shadow, the smile's back on and the charade continues.

The clock is ticking and 41's the number.

hearts 04:03:00
0 spoken words

Tuesday, April 19, 2005

Just 7 more days to Cherating Beach. I've not emailed Christy of my pending arrival and I'm not sure if I should. I mean, I will be there with him and Christy is there. Though he said it's ok if I wanna catch up with Christy, I mean I haven't seen that guy for AGES, I know he'll be upset about it.

Sometimes, I'm really left baffled by him. He will always do things to surprise me, like today. He did something out of the blue, whilst in camp, cos he thinks it will please me. Well, it did cos it's really quite a sacrifice. He knows I love sushi and volunteers to bring me to eat them later today once he books out. He knows that I love to watch movies and it has been quite a while since I last watched one in the theatres so he suggested movies later today as well. He knows I love to club so he's asking his friend to help me make my membership card for Devils' Bar. I'm a cynic by nature or by will, and sometimes, I just wonder - What is his motive? What does he want out from me?

If I don't message him for a day, he'll say that I don't care about him. When I state that I'm angry, he'll quickly pacify me. Is this guy too good to be true? Obviously. If you've read enough or know me, you'll know that our relationship has always been rocky. It's like the more he tries to do something, I'll be even more fearful cos I'm afraid of falling completely in love with him. He knows I'm still very reserve about us and he knows I have extreme difficulties in trusting him but he will always try to re-assure me.

Grow up. I think that's something I really need to do and soon. I've been dwelling in my childish state for long enough. The world's too dark to remain child-like. Manipulation. Shrewd. Cunning. Are those the values of the survivors? I really wanna know what it takes to survive in this dying world, where values are screwed and children fucked. What's wrong with us? What happened to TRUST? What happened to LOVE? Have they been reduce to nothing but a verbal term? Have they no values left in them?

Child-like. Innocence. Nolstagia. When the past comes flooding through my mind once again, all I ask for is silence. Silence to this world of damnation. Silence.

.44 days.

hearts 03:28:00
0 spoken words

Monday, April 18, 2005

Priya wants me to count down to her birthday so here's the countdown...

Do you like it, girl?

hearts 21:58:00
0 spoken words


Ok. So it wasn't that big a deal but ya, I went to church yesterday. Was actually apprehensive about the whole thing cos I didn't need another "omg.. you're here!! you're here!!". Anyway, decided to go back cos I really missed all my old friends there and was thinking that I should go back and see what my next step should be.

The first person I met upon stepping into church: Lydia and Cheryl. Lydia was like staring at me, like I was some alien but ya, she came and talk to me and said I've lost weight. Then Jamie saw me, she was like "Clara." I just sheepishly smiled back at her. Afterwhich, I heard an "oei!" and saw Celine standing beside me saying, "come to church never tell me ah you!" LOL. My mentor is still on my case.

I was supposed to meet Crystal there but I was early so I decided to place tiny little objects that I can find in my bag onto the seats around me so that Li Lien and her aunt (I think!) and Crystal will be able to have seats. Ee Yang spotted me as well and said hi to me. I felt so awkward meeting all these people again. After a while, I realised I haven't got the bulletin so I messaged Ren Hao for one. LOL. I must be the only person who messages others for a bulletin. So ya, was pretty much soaking up the strange yet familiar surrounding that I was in when he appeared.

Who's the "he" some might wonder but it's really not very hard to. Those close enough should know who I'm referring to so ya, he turned up in a striped shirt, with his hair done up in some funky-do and crazy spectacles. For a moment, my head was screaming fashion crisis. I mean the shirt was really nice and looked good on him but the spectacles and the hair - it was screaming SAVE ME. But o well, I'm supposed to be the evil one so I decided not to comment about it further.

The ministry that I was a part of was formerly called Campus Ministry but it has decided that it's need a new name with "life" in it. Guess what's the new name?? HIGHLIFERS. I was like, "OMG. KILL ME" but ya, they seemed pretty proud of it so I didn't really bother since I'm pretty much a stranger now. They are gonna have a talk on clubbing and pubbing, true love waits and I forgot the last one. I was telling Crystal that I could give a talk on clubbing and pubbing. It will be my pleasure. LOL, but it's tongue-in-cheek. I think I'll get thrown out of church if I continue to do anything stupid.

After church, I was just stoning my life away, wondering what the hell to do at 2130hrs. It was too early for me to go home but I didn't wanna have supper. Messaged Davina to find out where's she gonna hang out for her birthday and she said China Black so I thought I'll go down and have a look whilst celebrating her birthday. Crystal and her friend, Siying, joined us but Davina was early so she got in first. The three of us were standing outside there, queueing for more than an hour when my other friend's friend went to ask the bouncer what time we'll be let in. When he said 2am, which was another 1.5hours away, I decided to leave. It was crazy.

Anyway, I couldn't really stay out too late cos my crazy boy was staying up in camp, waiting for my call that says "I'm home" and really, I didn't want him to have not enough sleep. He has been worrying about me enough. Everyday, he'll call me to ask me whether I've eaten, whether I'm ok, what am I doing, etc and I think he deserves a little something better from me, don't ya think? Especially I've been giving him craps lately.

I need to do birthday shout-outs today.


45 days left and the numbers continue to dwindle...

hearts 01:46:00
0 spoken words

Saturday, April 16, 2005

I Know Why the Caged Bird Sings
by Maya Angelou

A free bird leaps
on the back of the wind
and floats downstream
till the current ends
and dips his wing
in the orange sun rays
and dares to claim the sky.

But a bird that stalks
down his narrow cage
can seldom see through
his bars of rage
his wings are clipped
his feet are tied
so he opens his throat to sing.

The caged bird sings
with a fearful trill
of things unknown
but longed for still
and his tune is heard
on the distant hill
for the caged bird
sings of freedom.

The free bird thinks of another breeze
and the trade winds soft through the sighing trees
and the fat worms waiting on a dawn-bright lawn
and he names the sky his own.

But a caged bird stands on the grave of dreams
his shadow shouts on a nightmare scream
his wings are clipped and his feet are tied
so he opens his throat to sing.

The caged bird sings
with a fearful trill
of things unknown
but longed for still
and his tune is heard
on the distant hill
for the caged bird
sings of freedom.

hearts 00:06:00
0 spoken words

Friday, April 15, 2005

I've been at home rotting for the past 2 days, mainly because he's in camp. But today! Hah! Today I stepped out of my house and went for a good swim and a hilarious bowling session at Chinese Swimming Club. Damn. Should have brought my camera down today.

It was about 1930hrs when my brother and I decided to join my sister at Chinese Swimming Club where she was bowling. I packed my swimming stuff and headed down with my brother. On the way there, my brother was telling me how worn out he is by the swarm of activities my parents had so enthusiastically signed him up for. I mean, he's 14 years old. He's in Hwa Chong Institute. He's doing canoeing (I think?), sailing and bowling competitively, meaning most of his days and hours are spent on trainings. Let's not forget that he's taking a third language - German - as well and he has regular golf practices.

He told me that he feels that my parents has wrongfully invested all the money in him and that he's getting very weary. Knowing my parents, they'll think that it's just another excuse to wiggle our way out of something we don't like to do. Quoting my mum, her favorite phrase is "sometimes, you just gotta do things that you don't like." I remember how she frowned when I wanted out from my abacus, my music and then subsequently, drama cos I was just too tired. From the age of 6 years, I was taking two different music courses - both playing Electone by the way -, abacus lessons and drama lessons. There's the compulsory swimming session with my family, which felt more like training sessions cos my Dad would criticise my every stroke to the maximum.

I snapped at the age of 10. I dropped out. For the first time in my life, I dropped out of a course. I dropped out of abacus. My abacus teacher asked me to carry on cos I scored one of the highest in class for a national examination but well, I just left. Onwards to secondary school, I dropped out of my music course. Drama had always been my only solace. I've given up on swimming as well by then and I thought maybe, just maybe, I'll have enough energy to finish off my drama course but it wasn't. I finally gave into pressure and left drama last year. I still recalled how I cried over that decision but I had no choice. Depression was making me feel so worthless and useless. Acting was a good getaway but I often took on roles of tormented souls and that made me even more depressed.

Then I dropped out of my medication course. LOL. I decided to stop taking anti-depressants cos for one, my mum thinks that I'm just pretending despite calls from the doctors telling her that I AM REALLY DEPRESS. My father was UNHAPPY that I'm depress, thinking that I brought it upon myself. I was laughing to myself when all these happened. It's like being depressed is a crime. I had to seek medical help on my own, pay for the medication on my own and hopefully, get well on my own. I just couldn't fucking take it. Now, I might seem better but I'm closer to death than ever before.

Hearing my brother telling me that he's tired just made my heart stop. I don't want him to go through the same shit that I went through. Nobody knew the hell I went through. Some of them still think that it's just to grab attention; my brother thought my depression only occured when I was 15 years. Maybe some people did feel the vibe that something was terribly wrong with me. Maybe some people truly understood but the two people who gave me life, thought the worst of me.

Anyhow, we reached Chinese Swimming Club and I went for my swim whilst he joined my sister in bowling. Swam 6 laps whilst reminiscing the past. How my family was still a happy unit; when all the children, excluding Sonia, was still so happy. Looking at now, all of us have began on the road to the destruction. We can no longer identify with our parents. My sister has practically moved out. My brother finds it hard to communicate with them without having to pretend. Me? I just fade into oblivion.

After swimming and bathing, I went to join my brother and sister for a game of bowling. I'm a terrible bowler but I managed to hit a 96 with the help of the bumper of course. LOL. My siblings and I had a good laugh. My parents joined us there with Sonia. Sonia bowled as well, hitting 68 with the help of the bumper as well. Nobody understands the extent of my love for Sonia. Deep inside, I'm constantly praying that she'll never have to go through the things the 3 of us went through but I know it's inevitable. Already now, she's taking lessons at British Council, having Mandarin tuition and taking electone lessons.

With all these grouses in mind, did I ever blame my parents for making a tormented soul out of me? No. I knew they have my best interests in mind just that they don't realise that sometimes, all a kid needs is a little childhood to remember... to recall and smile at. I only blamed myself for never having the guts to really sit down and tell them what's going through in my head. All I can do now is just make sure Sonia will not go down the same path and be another "me". She deserves so much more and I'll sacrifice everything just to make sure she has the childhood she should have...

- 48 days -

hearts 02:44:00
0 spoken words

Thursday, April 14, 2005

I want you to be happy. I want you to laugh a lot. I don't know what exactly I'll be able to do for you, but I'll always be by your side.
-- Kagome from Inuyasha

In the above anime, Kagome is a modern 20th century school girl. However, she was drawn back to the medieval era of Japan and meets Inuyasha - half-human, half-demon. Inuyasha was taken aback by her likeness of this one lady he loved so dearly 50 years ago - Kikyo. Throughout their journey together to find the shards of a sacred jewel, Kagome developed feelings for Inuyasha whilst he is still unclear whether he's just taking Kagome as a substitute.

After witnessing Inuyasha and Kikyo's conversation and kiss, a heart-broken Kagome returned back to modern Japan. Yet upon returning, she realised thta she has fallen in love with Inuyasha and decides to return back to the medieval period and said the above line to Inuyasha followed by a question... "Will you let me stay?"

I've been intrigued by this anime since I first set eyes on it. The way she withholds her feelings for Inuyasha yet looking out for him in every possible way... just seem too real to me. Once, he stayed over at my place and I was watching the anime whilst he slept. It was the episode where Kagome witness the conversation and confession of love between Inuyasha and Kikyo yet decides to stay on to be by his side. I looked at him as the credits rolled. I cried in silence. I kept asking myself why am I doing this to myself when I could be with someone else, leading a much happier life.

Why do I keep disillusioning myself into thinking that I'm fine with everything when I'm obviously not? Why do I keep pressing on when I'm already so tired? Why do I fear saying "I love you" to him so much? Why do I push him away when all I wanna do is to hold him? Why do I do all these things yet deep down inside, I know he has another love... It's painful to have to love someone this way. It's even more painful when at times, you just have to take the backseat and listen to insensitive jokes played by his friends, naming me as his concubine.

I know where I stand. Thank you very much. I know I'm not Valerie. I can never take her place as the Empress or Queen of his heart. I can only be his temporary concubine whom once he finds someone new, he could easily chuck away. I know. I do know. And to all my friends out there, I know I deserve better and I know what goes around comes around. Yet for once, I just wanna follow my heart... Follow my heart even if it means death to my integrity, my morals and everything else.

Maybe nobody can ever understand the kinda feelings I'm going through every night. I distance myself away from him daily; I make myself think of all the hurt and pain I've placed her in. I cried so many times for her yet I'm still where I am. Not a inch moved. I'm still by his side and frankly, I'm quite contented to be just by his side. But I know a choice have to be made sooner or later. Either he leaves me or he leaves her or maybe... I leave him. I know that a happy ending for me is impossible yet for the remaining 7 weeks, let me just live in ignorant bliss. When the 49days are up, I'll make my exit. I promise. I will make my exit.

49 days till the day I say goodbye... to you and us

hearts 02:39:00
0 spoken words



hearts 02:28:00
0 spoken words

Wednesday, April 13, 2005

I've just read ahdokboy's blog. Ok. I got to admit. It's fucking amusing to read on his candid takes of his life. How he so endearingly call his girlfriend, The Girlfriend, and nothing else despite proudly displaying her picture on it as well. How he prays so fervently that his blog will not be discovered by her. I mean, hello!, this is the internet and your blog is so fucking popular... how can your girl NOT know about it - unless she's not internet savvy.

But well, it's fucking amusing just reading about how he's having problems with her possessive, over-bearing and jealous nature despite the fact that they have been together for almost 5 years. Yep. I would have to agree he would be the envy of many others out there but I guess, even the most beautiful rose can have many thorns that hurt.

I think it's just pure entertainment to read about the misery, that's really not very much a misery, of another person. Yet, reading his blog reminded me GREATLY of a secondary school friend of mine who got together with his girl in secondary 3. I remember how one of my classmates, upon saying "Hi" to him, went running for her life after that as she exlaims, "Fuck! I just said Hi to you. Shit. She's gonna kill me!" I still remember that funny episode. I also recall how he once told me secretly over the internet that he has not had ANY contact with any other girl since he has been with her cos she would fly into a jealous rage but guess what? They have been together since then till now! I mean, if that's what a girl gotta do to keep the guy by his side, then damn, I wanna be possessive, over-bearing and filled with jealousy as well.

I guess today is relationship comedy night cos even for myself, I'm going through some sort of comedy act.

Him: Eh. I think I'm really falling asleep. Message me later k?

Her: Ok.

Him: Don't okok leh. Must message me k?

Her: What you want me to message you? Er...

Him: See! I knew it! You won't message me any messages.

Her: Er. Okok. I will send you messages later.

My question to all is, what message do I send him when he's gonna be asleep?!?! It just doesn't make any logical sense. The conversation above was like an hour ago and I'm still unsure what message am I supposed to send him. Am I to send him the much desired message containing the three much debatable words - I love you? Or am I to send him a message just stating that I'm gonna sleep?

I know I'm a girl and I should be in touch with my feminine side, caring, virtuous, romantic, concern, whatever... but I'm just not that into these stuff. I love to be pampered, o hell ya, but me pampering in THAT fashion. Gee. That's a tall order. O well, I shall just carry on laughing at the recollection of my secondary school friend and the unfortunate fortunate ahdokboy whilst I try and figure out what the fuck I'm supposed to message him.

hearts 01:41:00
0 spoken words

Tuesday, April 12, 2005

So the infamous girl is my primary school classmate.
And I've an extreme strange feelings that all Garys in the world are weird. I mean, the Garys I've known - 4 of them - are all pretty weird and now this Gary... he just tops it all.

Anyhow, a shout out to her - Take care, God bless and just concentrate on your exams. Cheerios.

51 days...

hearts 17:02:00
0 spoken words

Saturday, April 09, 2005

I'll be seeing you in less than 8hours time. Do you miss me? I miss you so much. You haven't came for me like I've been asking you to. Every year, I'll make that single trip to be by your side. Do you know the void in me since you left? It's unbearable.

I've changed so much now. You probably don't wish to see me now. I'm no longer that little good girl that you once knew. I'm now beyond spoilt and I'm indulging myself in the dark side of the world. You're probably wondering where did you go wrong during those years... but it's not you, it's me. I allowed myself to be in this current state. I allowed myself to be in all this hurt and pain. I keep trying to find an escape that was never to come.

Will you still hold me like before? Like how you used to pat me to sleep? Will you still love me like before? Despite all the vices that I've indulged myself in? I miss you so much. I know you're still watching over me. I know you're still out there praying that I'll turn out fine. I'm really sorry for being who I am today. I've totally let you down and I know a million sorries I say won't change anything.

Mum always say she dreams of you asking me to work hard but all I do is the opposite. I must have really broken your heart terribly. I really wish you're here with me right now, telling me that I'll turn out fine and that I'll never let you down but that would be a lie, won't it? I've let you down so many times.

Granny, I miss you so much. I don't think my tears will ever stop flowing whenever I think of you. Why did you leave me behind? Why didn't you bring me along? I'll be seeing you soon... will I not? I love you, granny. Don't forsake me...

54 days...

hearts 02:59:00
0 spoken words

Thursday, April 07, 2005

The Bible says that "where there's love, there's no fear." But is it really possible that if there's love, there will be no fear?

I seem to be trekking on a fine line between this love and this fear. They seem to co-exist for me. When I'm in love, I fear that one day, I will be out of love. Does that mean that that love is not true? Does the love the Bible mention refers to true love or the love shared between God and man?

It's starting to confuse me cos today I confessed something to Mervin and expressed fears that what my mother said might be true. Mervin urged me to speak to him and let known these fears of mine cos he believes that maybe he doesn't know that what he's doing is scaring me at times. I admit that I'm quite a bottled-up person. I will take it all in and explode at weird timings just to maintain my sanity.

If the presence of love deprives fear of its nutrients, then what is it that I'm experiencing now? I know I love him cos the thought of departing from his life just makes my heart break. Then why is there this underlying fear? I know he reads my blog on and off. How will he feel after reading this? I really don't know.

Sometimes I'm so scared to express myself in front of him that I take the short cut, I cry in silence. Eventually I'll tell him that I cried and he'll always ask me why. It's difficult for me to express it out so I'll just act non-chalant and say it's ok.

Last night, I dreamt that my stomach was hurting like craps and my headache was the ultimate. I called Mervin and Herng Jye to tell them about it and they rushed me to the hospital. For 2 days and 2 nights, I laid in the hospital and on Sunday evening, he called my handphone, which I recalled was picked up by Mervin. He asked why was Mervin holding on to the phone and asked where am I. I recall Mervin telling him that I was in the hospital and that I'm unable to speak, thus he was holding on to my phone. He questioned why nobody informed him of my hospitalisation but there seem to be no answers.

I remembered that in my dream, I died and he, Mervin and Herng Jye were standing there looking on with my family members.

It was a weird dream. The three guys in my life whom I'm now close to, or I think I'm close to, appeared in that one dream. I've also been dreaming about my death over the past few days and they all occur at a hospital. Some who knows the history of my dreams will know what I'm trying to infer to. Though I think it's hardly possible to gain this easy escape, I just hope someday, just someday, the closure can come earlier.

hearts 01:46:00
0 spoken words

Wednesday, April 06, 2005

I don't understand why I'm not dead. When your heart breaks, you should die.
-- Harper Pitt from Angels in America (2003)

If we could live without passion, maybe we'd know some kind of peace. But we would be hollow. Empty rooms, shuttered and dank. Without passion, we'd be truly dead.
-- Angel from Buffy the Vampire Slayer (1997)

hearts 18:51:00
0 spoken words

You came to find me and made me eat.
Sometimes I wonder,

What will a man do just to get what he wants?

I really wonder.

56 days...

hearts 02:21:00
0 spoken words

Monday, April 04, 2005

I must be crazy. I was filling in all my college applications yesterday, some Australian, some American. My mum was like looking through the accomodations provided and asked me what kind do I wanna live in. Do I wanna share or do I wanna be alone? I look at my mum and said, "alone". My mum was like, "you can't cook, do laundry or any household chore and you wanna live alone?" LOL.

But ya, we decided against staying within campus cos one of my friends, Huimin, quoted to me, "to stay in campus, you must be rich and smart." Well, I'm neither so I'm gonna live off-campus, which my mum went crazy, asking me to bunk with some friend, any friend cos not everywhere is like Singapore, so darn safe. Who cares? LOL. By the way, my worries for accomodation only applies to Australia.

So I went website-hopping. Looking for real estate websites in Australia. I was looking for single-bedroom apartments near the school and guess what's the average budget pricing like?? AUD250 per week. I was like, "what the fuck". But o well, what to do? I'm a crazy bitch. Was going through the various pages and I saw the apartment of my dreams!! Ok. So I've not sent out anything yet, except the application for Trinity College at University of Melbourne, but I'm allowed to dream right?

AUD230 per week, roof-top pool, single bedroom, kitchen, bathroom, laundry, and furnished. It's like WOW! My dream come so true but of course, such good offers will not last. I'm sure some smart person will snap it up fast. Damn. I shall just carry on dreaming and wait for my applications to go through before dreaming once again.

hearts 15:15:00
0 spoken words

He has gone home.


58 days left.

hearts 02:16:00
0 spoken words

Sunday, April 03, 2005

"I have looked for you. Now you have come to me. And I thank you."
--- Pope John Paul II (2005), just before he breathed his last.

hearts 18:44:00
0 spoken words

Saturday, April 02, 2005

He's in hospital but even then, I'm restricted. I can only go down to see him when his family and friends are not around. LOL. Why do I allow myself to be subjected to such ridicule? I really don't know. This is ridiculous. Have been crying the past few days. I know I've lost and she has won yet I have to keep my word.

Why should I? Why should I keep my word when he's allowed to break all of them?

60 more days...

hearts 20:52:00
0 spoken words

Friday, April 01, 2005

An Act of Comedy or Tragedy?

"Enough", she cried, "Please..."
Her heart cried out an emotional plea.
She couldn't hold up longer
As her tears rolled on and on.

She looked around her for relief.
A knife, some pills or whatever
That could ensure her nirvana,
She was willing to take them all.

The hooded man stood by the door,
Staring at her amusing charade.
He stood on and let out a wicked laugh,
Enjoying every moment of her misery.

Looking on at her, he saw a toy,
An entertaining yet inexpensive toy.
Her very life brought about his comedy,
She screamed, "let my act be done."

hearts 23:56:00
0 spoken words

I'm back from Club Med Cherating!! LOL. I had sooooo much fun there that I wanted to just live there. I'm not gonna talk too much about it cos I'll let the pictures speak for itself. I took more than 100 pictures of the place. I'm just sooooo in love with it. The people were great and the children, omg, they are so cute!!

We were there during the French school holidays, so yep, the place were flooded with French. By the way, the guys working there are primarily HOT. It was eye candy almost everywhere I went. AH! I wanna go back there now!!!!

hearts 15:01:00
0 spoken words

I'm puzzled by your anger.

I really didn't hear my phone ring or feel the vibration. I can understand the anxiety but anger? I apologised many times but I guess you just can't take it in...

61 days left.

hearts 04:11:00
0 spoken words