walking contradiction

25 years old.
a girl of irony.
studying in university of new south wales - ba/llb.
living and let live.
truly blessed by His and his love.

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benje. carol. crystal. daniel ho. davina. doreen. evelyn. ingrid. iniQx. jac. jess. julian. karen. kimberly. leon. li en. mabel. melissa. nick. shirley. stefan. xiaowei. yee huat. yusuf. zhong ying.


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Thursday, September 27, 2007

did this before but i sure start and see if i've gotten weirder or less weird.

----*-----

Rules of the game:Each player of this game starts off with ten weird things or habits or little known facts about yourself. People who get tagged must write in a blog of their own ten weird things or habits or little known facts as well as state this rule clearly. At the end you must choose six people to be tagged and list their names. No tagbacks!

so.. is everyone ready??

Number 1

i love loneliness yet i loathe it. when i'm alone and bored, i get cranky. when i'm bored and surrounded by peeps, i get cranky too!

Number 2

i hate the concept of marriage, in the sense of having the need to sign a legal contract over it, with all the baits of housing grants, etc. marriage doesn't look like marriage anymore. it's more of a business dealing to get the maximum perks in life.

Number 3

i drink more than i eat. i'm serious. i can drink, alcoholic or non-alcoholic, all day and night but the moment you gimme food, i'm done in 10 minutes.

Number 4

death is not a foreign subject to me. i'm morbid by nature. i name my alter-ego - little miss morbid.

Number 5

i know my flaws but i refuse to change them.

Number 6

the only way i can stay awake is if i've to do a million things at one time, as in hair appointment at 9am, office at 10, meeting at 11, etc. otherwise, my batteries run flat cos well, they survive on adrenalin.

Number 7

i'm no longer considered a girl. my friends call me brother. i've a confused gender issue.

Number 8

i can squash a bug with my bare hands but try carrying me, and my screams can be heard 5 blocks down.

Number 9

i've a huge phobia of commitment and humans. strangely enough, i've a fiance, who is a human!

Number 10

a friend of mine describes me as a 12 year old girl with a 40 year old brain. go figure. :)

Six people:
1. davina
2. songwen
3. nick
4. benje
5. beizhen
6. priya

hearts 20:13:00
0 spoken words

Sunday, September 16, 2007

i realised that planning for a huge event of our lives could really reveal a lot about the individual.

over the past month or so, my man and i have been looking at reviews of bridal studios and prices, the procedures and all that stuff. we got to realise that i will only back in singapore the maximum of another 4 times over the next 3.5 years, which to some might be plentiful but for such a huge event, i'm not very certain of it.

then there was the discussion over housing after marriage. i must have changed my mind a million times over where we should stay and then there's the nagging question whether i'll be taking up australian permanent residency, especially after i went for a migration talk and found out that i just have to take an english test to fulfill the requirements. there's his CPF that we have to ponder over if we should leave it in there if we do move over and there's our families, whether we should bring his and/or my parents over.

we bickered about some stuff like my extreme dislike for tea ceremony, especially that tacky 'kua' or tea dress. then there was the differing enthusiasm. and now, there's EPL and little me is reduced to being the football 'wife' and suffering from that disease. not that that's a huge hurdle to cross but it does get frustrating at times but when i complained about the issues, he will try and appease me by either spending more time with me, be more enthusiastic and convince me that the ceremony is a must cos of the money factor.

still, we realised that we are so similar in our views towards married life, family life and dreams and goals. it's amazing. we have another 4 years to go to plan and save up for this dream day of ours. the biggest responsibilities are definitely on him since his baby is away from singapore for most part of the year and for now, he's the only person bringing in a stable flow of income. his willingness to take up this role just made me feel so loved.

4 years. the planning might be coming in a little early but with only a maximum of 10 months that i will most likely have, out of the 3.5 years till i graduate, in singapore - it's really not too early.

hearts 04:02:00
0 spoken words

Friday, September 07, 2007

the last few weeks, i find myself running away from certain things occurring in my life and i realise that i am unable to deal with the feeling of helplessness. whenever someone close to me is ill, especially for an extended period of time, or dying, i just wanna run away from it. i can't deal with the fact that i can't solve the issue and that all i can do is stand by and watch them being probed and poked as they get assessed by doctors after doctors.

this inability left me very much frustrated, resulting in me being unable to sleep peacefully through the nights. i would wake up, angry with myself and wondering what a horrible person i am. please don't get me wrong. it's not that i don't care. i do but whenever i am at the hospital or just watching the person writhe in pain, i just wanna get out of there unless i know of a way to soothe, comfort the individual and/or alleviate the pain.

maybe this escapism act of mine evolved from my grandma's death. that horrible dream in which i just stood at the door of her hospital ward and watch her being taken away despite my cries and pleas for her to stay. it was at that moment, in my dream, that i learnt about how it feels to be helpless. it didn't help matters that when i woke up, the very next thing i heard was that she had passed on.

i walked away from my grandpa when he slowly became almost an invalid in my home cos i couldn't deal with facing him in that state and not knowing what to do. i walked away from myself when i became a nuisance, a burden on others' hands, bringing my entire physical self into destructive mode cos i couldn't deal with my inability to handle myself and my emotions better. i'm a frightened child when it comes to feeling helpless.

so pardon me for those that i might have seem to abandon. please do understand that i do care but somehow, my phobia of being helpless prefers to keep me at bay and to busy myself with the other activities, may it be significant or insignificant, so as not to have that horrible feeling. i'm sorry.

hearts 02:45:00
0 spoken words

Sunday, September 02, 2007

songbird
- damien leith -

for you, there'll be no more crying
for you, the sun will be shining
cos i feel that when i'm with you
it's alright, i know it's right

and the songbirds keep singing
like they know the score
and i love you, i love you, i love you
like never before

to you, i would give the world
to you, i'll never be cold
cos i feel that when i'm with you
it's alright, i know it's right

and the songbirds keep singing
like they know the score
and i love you, i love you, i love you
like never before

cos i feel that when i'm with you
it's alright, i know it's right

and the songbirds keep singing
like they know the score
and i love you, i love you, i love you
like never before

and i love you, i love you, i love you
like never before, like never before
like never before.

hearts 00:43:00
0 spoken words

Saturday, September 01, 2007

22nd!

my 22nd birthday celebration actually began back in singapore - 29th july 2007. my man, anxious to be a part of my birthday, cooked me breakfast and lunch before sending me home to collect my luggage. thinking that it was all done and over with, he shocked me when he told me he bought me a birthday present and passed it to beizhen.

noddy that flew with beizhen as his companion and with love from my man.

but that still wasn't sufficient! at midnight, he sent me an egreetings.com card and sang me a birthday song. a lovely, lovely beginning to my 22nd year.


then the celebrations... BEGAN! had potluck over at my place as i figured that all my lovely friends will be jumping at the opportunity to get me drunk on my birthday, why do it at clubs or bars and make them drag my sorry ass home when i'm dead drunk. so what was on the menu? sadly, we didn't take any pictures of the wonderful food but here's the menu.
  1. economical beehoon - clara.
  2. risotto - davina.
  3. cabonara and lovely upside down strawberry cheesecake - tina and owen.
  4. pork ribs - nick.
  5. goreng pisang - jiawen.
  6. kfc chicken - kevin and jason.
  7. shiraz and moscato - lawrence and jon.
  8. ice cream - olivia.
  9. famous amos cookies - tanja.
  10. shiraz rose and bortrytis semilion - bernard.


it was a feast! most of it were finished and i tasked myself to have a bit of everything. love love loved the food! :D

then i was presented with my cake and i was shocked to find out that my crazy sister, her husband and my man had ordered this online for ME! :D i'll let the photos do the talking for now.

look at me smile!

only my sister is capable of coming up with corny messages. lol.

the lovely cheesecake sent with love! even nick went for a 2nd helping!

cutting the cake. i was trying not to cut the white chocolate piece.

the boys, i love!
top (l-r): jon, nick, jason, owen and charles.
bottom (l-r): kevin, lawrence, me and bernard.

me and my ladies, who made it happen! :D
left to right: davina, me and tina.

a beautiful family photo. heh.

now with olivia in the picture! :D

a picture of a slice of the cake, just for my sister.

all of you love me! :D

jiawen, myself and matt.

zeroing on the kiss! matt must really dislike me. heh.

owen and tina. beautiful couple! :)

having a scoop of tina's lovely upside down strawberry cheesecake!

my bartenders of the night, nick and jon, serving up lovely alcoholic smoothies.

jon and one of his creations.

my birthday present from the gang!

so the camera is a bit weird but look at the damn thing. $200 voucher! i'm going shopping! :D

of course i got wasted but not until we finished 6 bottles of alcohol at least! moscato, shiraz, shiraz rose, botrytis semillon, vodka, baileys and midori. it was awesome. i had beer as well when i went over to kevin's for more drinking and wii-playing. bernard sent a really high me home after my man intervened when he heard me slurring over the phone with him. how beautiful is that? heh.

so thank you everyone for making this birthday celebration so wonderful! i love you all. and now, a great big thanks to the rest of ya for the birthday wishes listed below! love yall!

  1. zhongying: happy birthday darling! heh enjoy yourself! hugs. I MISS YOU TOO. happy birthday love. muah*
  2. nicole: Omgwtfbbq! Happy Bday you! You're now 22!
  3. mum: Happy birthday! Think positive, stay positive. There is always a rainbow after a storm. Keep a strong faith.
  4. yunting: Happy 22nd b'day! :) hope everything's going well for u gal... Take care n keep in touch w me k? *hugz*
  5. katherine: Hey happy birthday!! Have a great night out gal!! ;) hey dun get too drunk!!!
  6. yikang: Happy birthday! i'll wish u b a happy person, and achieve whateva you want ba.
  7. priya: lala. happy advanced birthday! all the best in everything u do and i'm really happy tat yur gonna be settling down too. i noe how it can get for u on yur bdae so dun think too much k?
  8. mandy: hey, happy birthday:)
  9. nick: hi lala happy birthday!
  10. edward: oh....juz wanna wish u happy birthday tat all~ happy birthday My Cutest Niece ~~ :x
  11. xiaowei: happy birthdae!~
  12. huimin: Happy birthday!
  13. kester: yo clara, kester here. just wishing you a happy 22nd birthday!!!
  14. lawrence: happeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee burrrrthhhhhhdaaaaaaaaaaaaaaeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
  15. hung ping: happy birthday to you.. happy birthday to you... happy birthday to lee ying zheng.... happy birthday to you.......
  16. matt: happy bday girl
  17. dickson: Wanted to wait until midnight, then realized ur time there is different.. BLESSED BIRTHDAY! :) Here's wishing you another year of purpose and fruitfulness in the Lord! :)
  18. benjamin - riverlife: happy birthday =))
  19. shirley: happy birthday
  20. lydia - riverlife: happy birthday claraaaaa
  21. joanne: happy burpday babe!
  22. melvin: jus like to say.... .... ....祝妳生日快樂 all the best and may u have an enjoyable birthday and weekendhehe
  23. anna: happy birthday babe! ;)
  24. duan ni: hey babe, HAPPY BDAE!!!!!!!!!!!
  25. mervin: hey there. i lost your sydney number so i can only wish you happy birthday thru msn, tho very insincere but truly hope you have a wonderful day. :)
  26. roland: happy birthday babe! :)
  27. li'en: happy birthday lady =)
  28. halley: Happy Birthday Sweetie..
  29. davina: Happy Barfday darrrling. :) Watch out for tonight.;) Happy birthday my Lazy. :) Purple tulips especially for you. Happy birthday baby. Isn't it around THIS time that it is FINALLY your 22nd? Should I burst into your room with confetti? It's 9. So tempting:/ Happy Birthday darling, sorry I didn't wish you earlier. I was just thinking about barging through your door at this time (8.50am). Mm.
  30. anna: Happy Birthday lala!! =D have a great one this year, yeah? *winks*
  31. tingting: Hey lady, Happy birthday! Enjoy you day
  32. karen: Hey babe... Happy Happy Birthday! with love =)
  33. jeffrey - acura: happy birthday
  34. li lien: happy 22nd babe! when you next come back for holidays i'll treat ya to chocolate cake... or whatever flavour, really. mmm... cake :)
  35. daphne: MUM! HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!! hope you're having a blast in sydney. Take care, lots of well wishes. lovee
  36. jesper - nelson's friend: Happy Birthday to you!!!
  37. brian - cchsm: Dear Clara, May family bliss and calm be understood in your heart, and may a graceful, clean and faithful Clara emerge. With peace, Brian
  38. lydia - chij: heys clara!!! =D hw r u! so long no see n hear frm u! sure hope ure doin fine n happy! :) jus droppin by to wish u a very HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!! all the best in everything u do n may all ur wishes come thru!! take gd care! lyd
  39. christy: Happy B Day my dear.. Hope you will have a good day and enjoy it... Miss ya heaps and hope to see you soon.... Take care Christy
  40. tanja: happy birthday clara!
  41. liling: Happy 22nd birthday babe. :)
  42. zhicong: (sent me strawberry daiquiri via boozemail on facebook) you might consider this a wussie drink.. but happy belated bday! haha
  43. shearmaine: here's wishin u a blessed blast of a wonderful birthday! haf a great time babe! xoxoxoxo
  44. leon: Happy Brithday Serpent! :D
  45. nelson - my man: Happy birthday to you Happy birthday to you Happy birthday to my pretty, lovely, cutie, bubbly, sweetie, cheeky baby.......... Happy birth........ day....... to...... you........ :O
  46. amata: Happy birthday! =]
  47. julian: alamak...saw you today and forgot to wish you! Nvm..I shall wish you here then....so HAPPY BIRTHDAY! Have a great one! Go get wasted ok! hahaha
  48. mei-jian: happy birthday clara! have a blast tonight! i'm sure u will :)
  49. benjamin - sydney: Happy Birthday Babe!! Best Wishes for your new age!!! Hope to catch up with you soon... Cheers :)
  50. siobhon: 生日快樂! 又大一歲了 ( u can read chinese, right :D)
  51. audrey - mum's friend: (singing) happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you, happy birthday to kiddo... happy birthday to you!
  52. anand: (over the phone) happy birthday!


if i've missed out anyone, i'm terrible sorry but thank you all for such a lovely birthday. and of course, you too, buddy and Daddy, for it was a beautiful day - not too warm and not too chilly - it was a perfect day. :)

hearts 22:25:00
0 spoken words