walking contradiction

25 years old.
a girl of irony.
studying in university of new south wales - ba/llb.
living and let live.
truly blessed by His and his love.

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time constrained


another dimension



partners in crime
benje. carol. crystal. daniel ho. davina. doreen. evelyn. ingrid. iniQx. jac. jess. julian. karen. kimberly. leon. li en. mabel. melissa. nick. shirley. stefan. xiaowei. yee huat. yusuf. zhong ying.


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christian forum. keeptouch forum. heartlight. save our tree e-magazine. yesterday .sg. good morning yesterday. riverlife. 陳志明.
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. feelings and thoughts .

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Saturday, October 27, 2007

after tolerating one and a half years of security lapses in my building, the final straw came on friday when the lift was not fixed for more than 24hours and won't be so till monday earliest. due to the lift's breakdown and the strata's incompetence to have it fixed within 48hours, the fire door to our building has become free for all public citizens of new south wales australia! to make matters worse, as i walked towards the fire door, a caucasian man came up to me and uttered, "fuck me. do you wanna fuck me? fuck me". i pretended that i didn't understand english at all and just walked away. at the same time, i got increasingly worried that he's gonna follow me up the stairwell, since the door is open for all.

got back home, called my agent who decided that maybe it's best for me to call the strata since, apparently, the strata gave her attitude for pushing for the lift to be fixed. she further suggested that maybe we might wanna consider moving since there are so many issues going on, etc. and our concerns have not been directly addressed. this, however, would mean that we might have to forfeit our deposit and we were not happy about it.

i began looking at statutes and reading through our contract in detail whilst dav drafted an email detailing out our concerns of the building. we, then, had a good long discussion over the whole issue, weighing the pros and cons if we do stay or if we do move. we decided that the best option would be for us to move but it would only be right if we gave the agent/landlord/strata some time to clear up this mess.

in any case, we've been viewing apartments and the property market has definitely gone up. we're not very pleased with how our tenancy agreement has turned out but we do not have a choice. it came down to a choice between our personal safety and honoring a contract, which isn't much of a choice really. so here we are, looking for apartments. anyone who has some legal knowledge in this field, i would love to hear your advices. anyone who knows of anyone who has a 2bedroom, 2bathroom apartment for lease in chippendale, ultimo, haymarket or broadway, please lemme know as well.

hearts 23:50:00
0 spoken words

Monday, October 22, 2007

for those who weren't aware, i was supposed to take my driving test next monday.
however, due to my "upgrade" in painkillers and my current "zoned out" state of mind, i consulted my instructor and decided it's best i postponed my test dates.

pray that my mind comes back to life.

hearts 00:50:00
0 spoken words

Friday, October 19, 2007

i'm so screwed.
before i'm even back in singapore, i'm scrambling for every last bit of savings to watch the theatre productions on show during my three months' break.

first up, there's chitty chitty bang bang, which i thought i was gonna miss and was rather depressed over till they extended their show!

secondly, there's the pillowman and beauty world for a bit of local flavors.

third on my list is the m1 singapore fringe festival, in which i wanna watch eclipse, the invisible life of joseph finch and above us only sky.

i don't wanna miss the rise and fall of little voice or verdi's la traviata.

finally, there's one event that i know most of my friends have been waiting for and i might finally make my virgin debut for it - zoukout!.

i'm so screwed. :(

and then there's that list of films that i will not get to watch - truth be told, 881 (which makes it the first royston tan's movie that i'm gonna miss), lust, caution (i just love tony leung and i'm gonna miss one of his movies. shit!), whisper, pleasure factory (i really wanna watch this. please have a VCD or DVD!!!) and rendition. of course, i might get lucky and catch a couple in sydney but there are some really priceless ones that i'm gonna miss, so bad, especially the local productions. please, for the love of God, have a VCD or DVD release.

hearts 23:38:00
0 spoken words

Sunday, October 14, 2007

what's your definition of home? to me, home is where i feel like i belong or where i wanna return to after a long day of work. ever since my grandma passed away, home, to me, was a foreign subject. don't get me wrong. i still wanna go back to the house where my family and i lived in. i still feel a certain sense of belonging to my parents, just that it wasn't the same anymore. the warm, fuzzy feeling that one would love to return to, was just no longer present anymore.

when i first met my man, i told him exactly how i felt on the above topic. i never felt that i belonged to any specific group. there were only a few peeps in my life whom i'll say i felt at home with. peeps whom i can talk to about anything under the sun, without fear of being persecuted, reprimanded, etc. but singapore was never home to me. amongst the chinese, i was a 'banana'. in my secondary school years, i was banned from speaking mandarin cos in the words of my friends then, i was an embarrassment to the chinese race. several peeps tried to put me down for my westernized ideals by saying "i do not belong", "you should just go be with those wannabe white peeps" or "why don't you just quit".

everything i did or love was scrutinized by not just my friends but at times, my family too. so much so that i felt a deep need to escape every now and then. now, my parents, or at least my mum since she's more vocal about it, did try to understand where my train of thoughts run at times but it's exasperating to keep up with a growing child of a different era from your own. i don't blame them for my feelings of inadequateness. i thought by 'escaping' from the rigidity of the singapore society, i will be set free to pursue my first love - theatre, only to realise that even then, i'm not at home. maybe i am being overtly sensitive but i do feel at times that as an asian, with a theatre background, my comments have often been brushed aside. this became very much apparent in this semester. i felt as if, as an asian, i must have no inkling what theatre is, theoretically or in practical sense, and that my grasp of concept of an individual theatre style must be wrong cos i'm ignorant due to my race.

though they have been proven wrong at times (well, with qualifications from LAMDA, i would pray that i'm not wrong - it would have been a disgrace), i still find it difficult to belong in something i have loved for so long. i don't feel belong to either sydney or singapore and i began wondering where the hell in this world can i run to, till i find spot where i could sit back and say, "ah. i'm home". i decided to pray (no, really, i'm a christian) and ask Him for some directions or at least some sense of assurance. i was prompted to read the letter my man wrote to me in february. "everyone needs a home", he wrote, "and if you ever deem me fit, let me be your home".

it was like a 'eureka' moment. i had already found my home a long time ago, with God. though i never felt like i belonged in any church, cos there are just some gossipmongers who would love to feast on the delights of my past and share it to anyone who's hungry enough to devour it without a second thought. i was at home with God and He sent me a more physical sense of it, in the likes of my man.

and i thank God for all the little wonders He has done in my life that i was once blind to.

hearts 15:40:00
0 spoken words

Saturday, October 13, 2007

Frodo: [voiceover] How do you pick up the threads of an old life? How do you go on, when in your heart, you begin to understand... there is no going back? There are some things that time cannot mend. Some hurts that go too deep... that have taken hold.

-- Lord of the Rings: Return of the King

hearts 00:45:00
0 spoken words

Friday, October 12, 2007

i actually waited up for you.
don't call me, just go to sleep.
i'll wake you in the morning.

goodnight my love.

hearts 01:37:00
0 spoken words

Monday, October 08, 2007

the silence has been broken.

hearts 01:12:00
0 spoken words

Saturday, October 06, 2007


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hearts 15:23:00
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22 years of my life (and slightly more), i've been called many names. some - i've came to embrace. some - i still loathe to hear. i've been called a bitch, a slut, a bimbo, "ah lian", banana, "eat potato", etc. and amongst all, i find the most insulting, "ah lian" and banana.

i admit that i'm not exactly the most fluent in mandarin but hey, all of you peeps who dare call me banana, at least i got an A2 for my chinese 'o' level papers and all of you fuckers, what did you get? i may not speak it well, i may not appreciate much of its traditions but at least i actually bother to learn how to read and write it. so what if you can speak but you can't write? it's like the media report on the english being able to speak but not read and write english! it's equally useless.

the other that i loathe is the term "ah lian". i might have very different ideas on what i find attractive or interesting but that does not equate me to being an "ah lian". i may speak hokkien profanities but hello, profanities are profanities - be it in french, italian, english, hokkien or cantonese. my choice of colors and clothes does not represent anything but me and if that gives anyone the liberty to call me "ah lian" then it gives me equal liberty in calling any one, whose dress sense i do not approve, as sluts or whores. i do get upset, even if i don't voice it out, and no, you might take it as a joke but i don't. it's insulting and extremely upsetting.

you don't like what you see - keep your mouth shut.

hearts 01:39:00
0 spoken words

Tuesday, October 02, 2007

. down to victoria .

making full use of the long weekend, my friends and i decided to head down to melbourne to look for a foundation friend of ours. on friday morning, i overslept slightly and woke up at 0500hrs. i panicked and wondered if i could make it in time to the airport, only realising at 0530hrs that i have no cash on me to take a cab to the airport! i rushed out of house with my bags and text siobhon that i would be late. my flight partner gave me the shock of my life when she replied back that she just got out of bed. boarding time was 0615hrs and it was now 0545hrs. nonetheless, we made it to melbourne in time and that's when the pictures will start talking.

stayed at nova stargate apartment hotel, i highly recommend this place for budget traveling!

a joy to return to after a day out in the city.

where i kept my dirty bugs off me!

went to crown and had some afternoon tea! blueberry and apple pie.

new york styled baked cheesecake. :D

giving lee her birthday shot way before her birthday - flaming lamborghini. :)

katherine and siobhon at ktv.

siobhon in sydney, katherine in canberra and lee in melbourne and all from hong kong!

you take me? i take you!

pina colada and illusion, served in a ktv room. where can you find such a sweet deal in singapore and it's included within the package!

katherine and siobhon at the greek restaurant.

i had the traditional greek dish - pastistio or something to that effect. awesome food but a tad oily.

siobhon had the traditional greek dish - massuaka or something to that effect.

siobhon and i with our food.

katherine had the traditional soulavski or something to that effect. lol.

on the city circle tram - it's free traveling around the city! :)

max brenner's chocolate but it definitely doesn't beat koko black.
when i saw this on the menu, i just had to try it! pizza with chocolate melting as base and topped with marshmallows, cornflakes and honey crunch. :D

max brenner's hot chocolate but i can't remember the name of my drink.

myself, katherine and siobhon after finishing up our chocolattey treats. :)
returned back to lee's place for a hotpot and mahjong session - awesome way to end off our 4 days trip to melbourne!

i met up with huimin on my last day as well and she brought me to the lanes of cafes that mark the stark difference between sydney and melbourne, in my opinion. the cafe culture there is really awesome. we walked around and lunched at oriental spoon, which served really delightful korean meals and she brought me to koko black for the best hot chocolate i've ever tasted. it was creamy and chocolattey. it was perfect! unfortunately, i forgot to take any photos of that day's event but nonetheless, it's all beautiful. :) thanks huimin and lee for the wonderful times in melbourne and i'll definitely be back again soon! hopefully, i'll be back again next year to ride on the horse carriages and visit more spots out of the city with my man and meeting up with these two ladies and my other friends that i didn't manage to see.

now, it's back to school. :(

hearts 23:44:00
0 spoken words