what's your definition of home? to me, home is where i feel like i belong or where i wanna return to after a long day of work. ever since my grandma passed away, home, to me, was a foreign subject. don't get me wrong. i still wanna go back to the house where my family and i lived in. i still feel a certain sense of belonging to my parents, just that it wasn't the same anymore. the warm, fuzzy feeling that one would love to return to, was just no longer present anymore.
when i first met my man, i told him exactly how i felt on the above topic. i never felt that i belonged to any specific group. there were only a few peeps in my life whom i'll say i felt at home with. peeps whom i can talk to about anything under the sun, without fear of being persecuted, reprimanded, etc. but singapore was never home to me. amongst the chinese, i was a 'banana'. in my secondary school years, i was banned from speaking mandarin cos in the words of my friends then, i was an embarrassment to the chinese race. several peeps tried to put me down for my westernized ideals by saying "i do not belong", "you should just go be with those wannabe white peeps" or "why don't you just quit".
everything i did or love was scrutinized by not just my friends but at times, my family too. so much so that i felt a deep need to escape every now and then. now, my parents, or at least my mum since she's more vocal about it, did try to understand where my train of thoughts run at times but it's exasperating to keep up with a growing child of a different era from your own. i don't blame them for my feelings of inadequateness. i thought by 'escaping' from the rigidity of the singapore society, i will be set free to pursue my first love - theatre, only to realise that even then, i'm not at home. maybe i am being overtly sensitive but i do feel at times that as an asian, with a theatre background, my comments have often been brushed aside. this became very much apparent in this semester. i felt as if, as an asian, i must have no inkling what theatre is, theoretically or in practical sense, and that my grasp of concept of an individual theatre style must be wrong cos i'm ignorant due to my race.
though they have been proven wrong at times (well, with qualifications from LAMDA, i would pray that i'm not wrong - it would have been a disgrace), i still find it difficult to belong in something i have loved for so long. i don't feel belong to either sydney or singapore and i began wondering where the hell in this world can i run to, till i find spot where i could sit back and say, "ah. i'm home". i decided to pray (no, really, i'm a christian) and ask Him for some directions or at least some sense of assurance. i was prompted to read the letter my man wrote to me in february. "everyone needs a home", he wrote, "and if you ever deem me fit, let me be your home".
it was like a 'eureka' moment. i had already found my home a long time ago, with God. though i never felt like i belonged in any church, cos there are just some gossipmongers who would love to feast on the delights of my past and share it to anyone who's hungry enough to devour it without a second thought. i was at home with God and He sent me a more physical sense of it, in the likes of my man.and i thank God for all the little wonders He has done in my life that i was once blind to.