walking contradiction

25 years old.
a girl of irony.
studying in university of new south wales - ba/llb.
living and let live.
truly blessed by His and his love.

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. feelings and thoughts .

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Monday, July 31, 2006

i'm back in sydney.
kinda weird feeling.
felt that the airplane was just another high-class cab.
doesn't even feel real that i'm thousands of miles away from you.

your message to me was passive.
my reply to you was simple.

i love you.

hearts 00:54:00
0 spoken words

Saturday, July 29, 2006

in 15 hours, it's goodbye sunny weather and hello chill.

yesterday morning, i woke up really early to go talk to buddy. took a cab down to choa chu kang columbarium. the cab driver was very chatty. asked me why would i choose to go to such a place and i just told him cos i need to see my buddy. on my way there, my heart felt really heavy. i saw ngee ann polytechnic as the taxi cruise down PIE and i remembered that day when buddy came down to look for me after my break-up with mervin. i cried at the columbarium. spoke to him quite a bit before i told him i had to go.

afterwhich, i decided to take things easy. went to bugis to get my stationeries and walked around a little. haven't been on my own for a long time. walked around bugis and i remembered those days when i used to work there. how mervin would always pack lunch for me after his school cos he knows i'll probably skip lunch. it wasn't on his way home or whatever. he always went out of the way for me but i was too blind to see it. i really took him for granted. guess it's really my fault that the relationship turned bad. my ambitions, my dreams just pulled us too far apart.

headed back to bedok and met up with dennis. dennis was like if it's not because you are leaving tomorrow, i would have gone gym today. -laughs- interesting guy. i'm so glad to see him before i leave. he wanted to send me off today but he can't make it as he has training but it's alright as well. we talked quite a bit. talked about buddy. talked about his ex-girlfriend. talked about life. 5 years ago, when i first met dennis, i probably would never have imagined having such a conversation with him. but now, it's like a common topic for the both of us. time really change people.

after that, i went home for a while to rest before heading down to boat quay for drinks with yuna, herng jiun, carol, doreen, victor, zhongying, alvin, gary and yingyun. i was really shocked that doreen and victor came down cos i don't have their contacts at all. :x i actually only contacted 4 of the people in the group - carol, yuna, gary and zhongying. i like the marketing technique - word of mouth - really helps alot. :) as usual, we talked about buddy. we bonded because of him. honestly speaking, i don't know whether to thank him or what. it's a very mixed feeling. anyway, thanks for coming down everyone!!!

doreen actually said something to me last night, which i found rather interesting. it was in a completely different perspective from what i've been hearing of late. ask boldly. i think that's what i have to do. ask boldly.

the ring doesn't belong on the chain.
it belongs on my 4th finger on my left hand.

hearts 14:32:00
0 spoken words

Friday, July 28, 2006

i got the NUM bag i wanted for so long.
i went to watch the movie i've been looking forward to.
i finally managed to celebrate his birthday with him though it's 2 days in advance.

a lot of thoughts swarmed my head today. since i got my student visa approved at about 1pm today, everything had been a whirlwind. i rushed to call my mum to inform her; called dav to inform her i'll be back soon; called a million others before i embarked on my numerous calls to the travel agencies to book my flight. dropped mervin a message and changed like a million appointments before finalising on meeting him today to sort-of celebrate his birthday. would love to have done more but we only had 2 hours.

after getting the NUM bag, i started wondering if i really am ready to go back to sydney. i love it there. the liberty, my own room and dav. i love our little apartment; it's like this place i can just run to and forget about all the things that had happened in singapore cos basically, i'm so far away and i can't do shits about it. then i thought again of you, i really just couldn't bear to leave you again but you don't seem to have a care about it.

after watching lake house, i began to have this enormous train of thoughts. i am willing to spend the next 5 years waiting for you; am willing to risk it all for you but a question was deeply lodged in my head - are you willing to wait for me? i know your answers to me will be, "you deserve better" or "there's no point waiting" and sometimes i really wonder if your answers are right.

true, i do deserve better but that better man is you. i embrace your virtues and your flaws. in fact, your flaws made you the better man. an irony? i do think so as well but i really don't know how to explain myself here. to me, your virtues and flaws made you who you are and i love you for that. whenever you change, i'm just more enthralled by it and you seem to slowly morph into the "better" man.

then again, it's true, there's no point waiting because i don't seem to be waiting at all. whenever i see you, i feel as if i'm being taken back in time when we were still together. it was always so beautiful. it's like we are never apart and there's no such thing as waiting at all. the only thing that i seem to be waiting is for a confirmation of my status with you but even that doesn't seem to matter to me now. whenever i see that you enjoy yourself with me, i'm overjoyed.

this time round, i came back to singapore. i wanted to really stop everything. i was very disheartened about us but you know what, my heart melted at the very sight of you. it was impossible. i was shocked when you messaged me "welcome back" an hour after i touched down in singapore. i didn't expect you to remember. i was pleasantly pleased that you met me at least once, if not twice, a week despite your busy schedule. though we had our tiffs, i was really happy. we had our big argument but you know what, i'm kinda glad we had it. i was very upset and even cried every single night after the argument till the truce we had but when i read that message you send me from shaun's place, i was secretly in joy.

i really wanna wait for you and make this work. however, i really can't do this alone. i need you to do this with me. i love you.

i got all that i wanted but really, all i want is you.

hearts 03:24:00
0 spoken words

my tickets are booked for saturday evening.

hearts 02:50:00
0 spoken words

Thursday, July 27, 2006

i feel like i've completely overstayed my welcome.
i really desperately wanna go back to sydney.

it's one thing that this is my home.
it's also one thing when you feel that something is just no longer right.

hearts 01:31:00
0 spoken words

Tuesday, July 25, 2006

to you, m.

your friends have always had greater importance than me.
last year i didn't have the chance to spend your birthday with you.
this year, again, i don't have the chance.

doesn't matter that i would be leaving by this weekend.
it's alright.

i'll be alright.

hearts 21:17:00
0 spoken words


wanna know what we talked about?

i was sleeping in my brother's bedroom when he came to my brother's room's window. he didn't show his face at first. his voice greeted me in my out of body experience. his first sentence to me was, "oei. you really not gonna come find me anymore ah?" lol. he then said he's doing fine. ask me not to worry, when i asked him how he was. then i told him i miss him alot and i was crying. he responded with the signature shake of his head whenever he disapproved of me doing something. after that, his face was not longer around then i asked him, where are you? he told me that his time is almost up, need to go back. then i ask him to tell me before he returns, why did you commit suicide? he said to me, buddy, just let the matter rest. don't go find out anymore.

i am just so happy that i finally met him.
though i was a little freaked out,
i am still just happy.

at least i finally had the chance to tell him personally how much i miss him.

i miss you bud.
thanks for visiting
and yes, i will visit you soon.

hearts 20:33:00
0 spoken words

Monday, July 24, 2006

i'm worried for you.
please please let me help you if you really can't find any help.

hearts 04:52:00
0 spoken words

Sunday, July 23, 2006

went to visit bud today.
received a very disturbing phonecall from his sister.

i'm filled with anger and disbelief right now.
is she wrecked with guilty conscious?

hearts 20:53:00
0 spoken words

3 weeks since the day i cried so hard.

everybody keep asking me to move on. be happy. i know i should but seriously, i'm sorry for being a person with depression.

had dark thoughts again last night.
i'm not even free from my own demons.

i can't even save myself from me.

hearts 01:35:00
0 spoken words

Saturday, July 22, 2006

it has been 3 weeks since i last spoke to bud. have been feeling kinda blue lately. o well.

a constant thought has been occupying my mind. keep thinking of setting up a friendster account for buddy. so that in a way, he's still around. i don't know. i'm just going crazy.

pardon me.

hearts 03:22:00
0 spoken words

Friday, July 21, 2006


i was talking to mervin about this old friend of his, who refused to have any form of relations with him anymore. i didn't know what was up so i told him to just initiate and talk to him first. losing a friend, especially a close friend, is not pleasant. so not pleasant.

after bud's death, i've been doing alot of thinking. alot of soul-searching. the biggest regret in my entire life is not being there for him. he gave me many chances but i never took it. because of my own anger. my selfishness. i neglected him. i wanna cherish all my friends and hold them dear but i'm also afraid. i afraid that another will leave me again and bring about the same pain i'm going through now.

friendships have always been very important to me, especially bud's. i never thought i would lose him in my entire 9 years of knowing him. never. i thought we had it going for us. i even thank God for this beautiful guy that He send to be my bud. yet, i never cherished him well. sometimes, i just feel i don't deserve to have any friends.

peeps out there, good, close friends are really hard to come by. cherish them well. i've lost someone that i love so deeply and my biggest regret is not listening. don't make the same mistake that i did.

i'm sorry bud.

hearts 03:30:00
0 spoken words

Tuesday, July 18, 2006

singapore has the worst, rudest and most incompetent customer service!

hearts 20:29:00
0 spoken words


i have been feeling kinda nolstagic since bud's passing. started thinking about the things we used to do. things he used to do for me and his words of wisdom that lifted me from my darkest moments in life. tried to steer my thoughts away from them as much as i could though, cos i also remembered my final promise to him which is i will stop crying.

but i nearly broke that promise on saturday. went out to celebrate hung ping's 23rd birthday at sushi tei before heading over to his place for a round of daidee/mahjong with the girls and the guys with their olympics on PS2. but before all that was to happen, hung ping wanted all of us to see the birthday "card" xiao wei had made specially for him on powerpoint. he then went on to show us the videos he made for huimin and xiaowei as well. it was very touching and it brought me back to those beautiful memories that i shared with bud all over again.

i remembered specifically my 18th birthday. that year was a heartbreaking year for me. the love of my life, mervin, decided to leave me. bud tried all ways and means to cheer me up, even travelling all the way down to ngee ann polytechnic to accompany me to get my stuff back from mervin's place. then he accompanied me to a quiet spot where i could cry all i wanted and only he can see my tears. i remembered the cheesy phonecall he made to me one night and the promise we made that night, which will remain forever etched in my heart. i remembered my birthday chalet, how he came down to sentosa for my chalet and was supposed to return home but i asked him to stay and he did. he gave me a present that year. gave me a CD of songs that he specially chosen for me with a card on it that says "bestest pals 4eva!" it was all his and my favorite love songs.

as i watched hung ping's videos unfold, i felt as if bud was just beside me, watching them with me. how i wish we had a video made together so that i can still see him moving in front of my eyes. it got too much for me to take and i walked out to the balcony to be alone for a while. it has been 2 weeks and i still find it hard to say goodbye. i wonder at that point in time, when will i ever learn to say goodbye?

then i recalled an essay that i wrote on "goodbye" when i was in secondary 3. the essay that i scored so well for. i have been familiarizing myself with the concept of goodbye. the sudden death of a loved one can be so painful and so devastating. i thought i knew the term well until bud left. then i realised - i'll never be good with goodbyes.

hearts 01:35:00
0 spoken words

Monday, July 17, 2006

i've been asked twice this week - "so what do you want?"

seriously, does it matter WHAT I WANT? it doesn't cos half the time, it's a no. and the next quarter will just be empty promises. so what's the point? i don't need patronizing statements. i don't need anything.

i'm just an unreasonable, selfish, spoilt brat.

hearts 00:44:00
0 spoken words

Friday, July 14, 2006

i'm getting kinda tired.
that sick in the stomach feeling.
the name-callings.

i kinda really have enough of it.

mum made a proposition a few days back.
seriously considering it now.
if i do take it up, i don't think it would matter anyway.

24 more hours and it'll be 14 days since bud left.
still find it difficult to accept he's gone.
really wish i can just pick up my phone and call him for advice.

i miss him so much.

hearts 05:30:00
0 spoken words

i think.
i think.

i think i dreamt of buddy last night.
why do i say i think three times?

cos though i'm sure it's him i saw, i can't remember what the hell he said to me except that he was trying to tell me the reason why he chose that path.

that's just pure disgusting.
my memory sucks.

hearts 03:29:00
0 spoken words

Wednesday, July 12, 2006

i feel so sick. it's not even funny.

the up side of everything, i finally lodged my visa application.
the down side, i've yet to do my medical.
i'm so screwed.

hearts 02:50:00
0 spoken words

Monday, July 10, 2006

i'm filled with fear inside of me.
this is horrible.

i really don't think i can make it anymore.

hearts 23:31:00
0 spoken words

Saturday, July 08, 2006

i'm feeling pretty sick but it doesn't matter.
the world still spins if i'm sick.
the world still spins if i'm grieving.
i just have to carry on playing the part that they all want me to be.

i really wish, hope and pray that you'll meet me.
i also really wish, hope and pray that you'll stop hating me.

hearts 21:45:00
0 spoken words

Friday, July 07, 2006

i've been saying sorry since wednesday. it doesn't seem to matter how contrite i feel cos he doesn't care.

i'm really sorry for what i've said.
can you please forgive me?

it's hurting me to see you dislike me so much and no, i don't want you to dislike me further.
please. forgive me.

hearts 16:13:00
0 spoken words

Thursday, July 06, 2006

i'm sorry.

hearts 04:32:00
0 spoken words

i think i know why buddy decided to end his life.
cos you know what, i'm facing the exact same shit he was facing.

hearts 03:35:00
0 spoken words

took his photo to print today and laminated it - wallet size.

met mervin today and couldn't help talking about buddy. he got a little irritated cos he designated today as "forget bad stuff" day but i kept dwelling on it.

i'm sorry but i really couldn't help it. i just find it hard to accept.

bud was cremated on wednesday.
felt like shit seeing him for the last time.
he used to say he'll be here for me always.
but now he's not.

i don't blame him. i blame myself for not being a good buddy to him. for not listening to his woes. i really failed big time.

hearts 02:18:00
0 spoken words

Tuesday, July 04, 2006

the chemical is starting to wear off.
your skin has begun to deteriorate
but you still look the same old, same old.
i still can't believe you're gone.
it's like an elaborated nightmare that doesn't wanna end.

i really don't know how to move on without you.
you used to be there for me all the time and now,
i'm alone. i'm all alone.

hearts 04:59:00
0 spoken words

Monday, July 03, 2006

- Tribute to Herng Jye: the best buddy one could ask for -

a son, a brother; a soldier, a friend.
many roles did you effectively play
in this enormous stage called life
and encaptured many of our hearts.

1st july 2006, in the dawn of the day,
an irreversible path you chose then,
determined the early curtain falls
with many questions left in the air.

you were the embodiment of joy,
lighting up your loved one's world.
the best friend anyone could ask for,
always there with a ready hand or tissue.

the day we dread came a little soon.
when hello was said, farewell was to be.
as you embark on your new journey,
remember us all as we remember you.

to you, my buddy.
this is just for you.

hearts 18:31:00
0 spoken words

i will always remember you. buddy, you'll always be my one and only true buddy. 1st july 2006. that date will be forever marked.

we used to be loggerheads then we became buddies. why did you choose to leave?

buddy. where are you?

hearts 05:42:00
0 spoken words

i saw your face today.
you look so peaceful.
so serene.
if i didn't know better, i would have reached out and tried to hug you but i can't.

i promised you i won't cry but i'm sorry i failed. i can't help it. seeing you there, lying there - not moving.

i've never felt so lost in my life. how could you leave me behind like this? how could you?

BUDDY! WAKE UP! CALL ME! TELL ME THIS IS ALL A NIGHTMARE. PLEASE. DON'T DO THIS TO ME. PLEASE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

hearts 05:01:00
0 spoken words

Sunday, July 02, 2006

why did you leave me behind?
you! of all people! you told me to hang on
but you chose to let go.
how am i supposed to move on?

this is just a nightmare right?
buddy, tell me this is a nightmare.
tell me that you're still here.
you can't just leave me behind like that.

i miss you.
i'm sorry i failed you as a friend.
buddy, please come back.

hearts 06:44:00
0 spoken words

buddy passed away as of 1st july 2006 0230hrs.

his wake is at 391 telok kurau.
call me if you're going down.

hearts 04:17:00
0 spoken words

Saturday, July 01, 2006

1)Starting Time: 0320hrs

2)Name: Lee Yin Zhen, Clara

3)Nickname: lala

4)School: University of New South Wales

5)Email: those who need to know it, knows it.

6)Eyes: dark brown maybe?

7)Height: 161cm

8)Siblings: 2 sisters and 1 brother

9)Missed school: in more ways than one.

10)Raining: it's like God crying with me

11)Set any body part on fire for amusement: no.

12)Kept a secret from everyone: yes

13)Had an imaginary friend?: maybe?

14)Wanted to hook up with a friend: yes.

16)Ever liked a teacher? : no.

18)Prank called someone: not that i remember.

19)Been on stage: yes


20)Shampoo: VS in singapore; tresemme in sydney

22)Colours: blue, white, black and teal.

23)Day/Night: night

24)Online Smiley: :)

26)Cartoon Character: martin mystery

27)Like anyone now?: yes.


29)Who's the loudest: depends on the definition of loudest but i could easily top that chart.

30)Who's the shyest: not any that i can remember. most of them are sociable.

31)Who do you cry with: God

32)Been mean: yes.

33)Been sarcastic: yes.

34)Met someone new: i've been meeting new faces.

35)Talked to someone you had a crush on: i don't think it's a crush anymore.

36)Missed someone: yes

37)Hugged someone?: yes

39)Wished upon a star: i pray that he will love me like before.

40)Laughed until you cried: yes. a long time ago.

41)Watched a sunrise/sunset: yes. wish i can watch it with him before i head back down again.

42)Went to the beach at night?: yes

43)Are you happy?: i guess i am. we haven't argued and that's good. :)

-----DO YOU BELIEVE IN-------

45)God/Devil: i believe in God

47)The Big Bang Theory: it is just a theory.

48)Heaven/hell: both

49)Who named you?: My aunt/uncle.

50)When was the last time you showered: just.

51)What is right next to you: my SCV remote

52)What is your computer desk made of?: wood

53)What are e last 4 digits in your phone number: 6666

54)What are e first 4 digits in your phone number: i don't need prank calls

54)what was the last thing that you ate?: chilli tapoica

55)Where do you want to go on your honeymoon: maldives or fiji

56)Who do you want to spend the rest of your life with: only that one person - mervin but he seems determined not to.

57)How many buddies do you have on your list?: i don't know. 5?

58)How's the weather right now?: warm

59)Have you ever smoked pot? : no.

60)What did you do last night?: last night as in friday night or thursday night? friday night - ate at newton circus. thursday night - watched superman returns.

61)How do YOU eat an Oreo?: two big bites

62)Favorite grps of singers?: don't really have favorites. whatever soothes my ear.

63)Favorite food/food place? sushi. :)

64)Favorite movies?: loads. matrix trilogy is a definite.

65)Are you too shy to ask someone out?: no.

66)If you could change your name?: i wanted to but i had a huge scolding from someone and i don't wanna change it anymore.

67)Have you ever been in love?: yes

68)What is the stupidest thing you have ever done?: being insecure when he gave me so many chances and reassurances and losing him. now trying to win him back.

69)What will your first son's name be?: Christian

70)What will your first daughter's name be?: Charity

71)What's your favorite drink?: water

72)Do you like scary or happy movies: happy

73)On the phone or in person?: in person

74)Lust or Love?: love

75)do you consider cheerleading a sport?: yes

76)your favourite tv shows? loads. unsolved history is the top.

77)do you want your friends to do this survey? it's up to them.

78)Say something nice about the person who sent this: i love you jac. :)

hearts 05:23:00
0 spoken words