walking contradiction

25 years old.
a girl of irony.
studying in university of new south wales - ba/llb.
living and let live.
truly blessed by His and his love.

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Saturday, January 31, 2004

An actress I am
In this theatre.
The world's my stage.
Tears and laughters
Comes on with nothing.
Masks are often used
Along with cosmetics.
Pure entertainment
Is all I seek in giving.

People can see me,
My charade and my clown,
Going up and down
The lonely lonely streets.
Smiles are a constant fixture
Even when tears are rolling.
What is truth in this world
I asked so fervently in vain.
No one had an answer. They pretend.

hearts 04:43:00
0 spoken words


Didn't go school today cos I wasn't feeling too good but didn't see a doc.

Went out to Suntec to look for Jo and bitched about practically everything to her. I missed her so much and before we parted ways, we hugged.

Then I went to look for laopa and Gabriel. Laopa's ankle is still in bandage and he just seems a little different, a little trying too hard to be happy I feel. Got 2 Care bears for myself as well. Love-A-Lot bear and Tenderheart bear. I also got a book on The Actresses by Barbara Ewing.

Had dinner with KIT people and it was rather fun except that when I turned around and see the four full tables we filled, I felt torn. The tables were full. Everybody was happy but... there was a distinct tension that I feel around me. It just felt so weird. Met Alan as well. Everybody changed so much. Everybody. Including you. -sigh-

Today marked the first time I went to Parco Bugis since you left me. I nearly cried there. I didn't know what to say. Didn't know what to do. I drank sub-zero before going to meet laopa then drank barcadi breezer peach at the cafe.

I felt torn apart.

hearts 04:41:00
0 spoken words

Friday, January 30, 2004

爱已不能动
还有什么值得我心痛
想你的天空下起雨来
没人心疼的黑夜
脸颊两行咸咸的泪水
是你哦是你
让我望穿泪水肝肠寸断

你怎么舍得让我的泪流向海
付出的感情永远找不回来
你怎么舍得让我的爱流向海
伤心的往事一幕幕
就像泪水将我掩埋

闭上了双眼
还看见和你的缠绵
眼角 的泪水
洗不去心中
一遍一遍的誓言

你怎么舍得让我的泪流向海
付出的感情永远找不回来
你怎么舍得让我的爱流向海
伤心的往事一幕幕
就像泪水将我掩埋

--- Xu Ru Yun's Lei Hai

hearts 05:45:00
0 spoken words


Sick again. Down with flu. Dr. Hsu says it's probably my asthma acting up again.

It's amazing, isn't it, that when you are down, no matter how sick you are, you'll take that bottle of alcohol and just drink the entire content down. Of course, I didn't take it all. I asked Brother to drink some for me.

It's amazing, isn't it, that when you are down, no matter how sick you are, you'll still walk in that cold weather and struggle with those tears that were building up in your eyes. And all you could do was whip out your phone and dial your closest girlfriend's number and tell her the whole sob story.

It's amazing, isn't it, that when you are down, no matter how sick you are, you'll come to realise too many thoughts and be glad that there's someone at the back, trailing after you just to make sure you're ok. Even when you turn around and scolds him "stupid fella", all he does is smile. Thanks brother. =)

I realised many things today.

It took us 2 years for the 2 of us to get together.

Another 2 years took the 2 of us apart...

And soon you'll be 21.

I'll be 19...

We're 2 years apart.

And 2 years later, we'll be continents apart.

2

Our special number. I'll always bear this number in my heart. Dearly.

I miss you.

hearts 05:29:00
0 spoken words

Thursday, January 29, 2004

I state now that I do not have cancer and never EVER tried to fake one before!

FARK YOU ANONYMOUS. I SAID NOTHING OF THAT SORT!

If I ever get cancer, let me assure you I WILL NOT post it in my blog. If I ever get cancer, I assure you no one will know!

Fark. Can't even get peace when I'm sick. ARGH.

I'm having a blessed life.

hearts 02:42:00
0 spoken words

Wednesday, January 28, 2004

Just typed this message out to him. I know he won't take it well but I had to.

there are some things i wanna tell u. u might get pissed, i don't know and don't wanna care. tired of always letting you have your way.
i never really wanted to leave sg. why did i choose to leave cos i heard from many different people how u wish for me to embrace this so-called bright future of mine and i didn't wanna let u down. i cried when i made the decision cos i never wanted to go down this route.
u lied. u lied so many times to me. sometimes, i just wish that i can choose to believe that maybe u never really loved me anyway, that it was lust all along but i can't. cos till now, i can still feel that u still love me. ya. i'm dumb and refuse to face up to reality. ya. i'm running but so are u. u keep saying u don't love me, u don't love me but lemme tell u that u lied. u can lie to everybody else on earth and even to yourself but u forgot that u can never lie to me. i can always tell.
u can choose to ignore me after reading all this supposed nonsense of mine or choose to argue with me that i'm being a bitch and bugger or choose to just remain silent. i no longer have the energy to care. whatever u do, u can never change the fact that i love you. whatever u do, my promise to u that my body is only yours will stay true. whatever that happens, i'll try my best to keep my silence. my words no longer counts.


He replied, "i acknowledge your msg."

Speechless.

Who sits in solitude and is quiet has escaped from three wars: hearing, speaking, seeing; yet against one thing shall he continually battle: that is, his own heart. -- St. Antony

It's better to lose your pride with someone you love rather than lose someone that you love with your useless pride !



hearts 20:10:00
0 spoken words


Flu has gotten me again.

On my way home from school, I sat in solitude and staring out of the window. Those houses that passed me by looked so familiar yet so distant. I've been travelling down that route eversince I was with you and never have I thought that one day, I'll be travelling alone. Controlled my tears for the longest time, I thought of a lot of things. Thinking whether leaving Singapore is really what I want.

No. I never wanted to really leave Singapore. This is the place I grew up in. This is the place where my family is. This is the place where all my friends are. But most importantly, this is where you are. A tear drop fell. I have to leave. It's not a want but a have to. I have to leave this place for somewhere foreign. I have to leave this place cos that's what you want me to do. I have to leave this place cos it's the only way I know I can guarantee your happiness. It's the only way by which I can no longer bug or harrass you anymore.

There's so much things I wanna tell you. I wanna tell you that I love you alot, more than anything else. I wanna tell you that my body is yours and only yours and that no others can ever have it. I wanna tell you to be truly happy once I'm gone cos that's the reason for my departure. I wanna tell you I'm sorry for all the things I've done and said that annoyed you. I wanna tell you that despite all that has been said and done, my heart yearns only for you.

You always said that I deserve a better man. What you didn't know was you were the better man. I don't need big houses, fancy cars, fine wine or anything material cos I had you. You never understood that, yes, you had your flaws but it's your flaws and your beautiful personality that I love so dearly and will never exchange for anything else. You never understood that no matter how much hurt you've caused me, a hug from you is all that is needed to heal that pain. You never truly understood the position you had in my life.

But it no longer matters. When I made the decision to leave, I also made the decision to remain forever silent.

hearts 19:50:00
0 spoken words


爱情这个话题是无法用言语来表达的。 爱情是种感觉能使一个人痛苦也能使一个人的日子灿烂许多。 受伤只是在爱情路上所碰到的绊脚石但在我们能过这些绊脚石时,我们也能从中学会许多许多东西。当我们把心交给某个人时,得到回报当然是最好的但是这个回报不是一定的, 难道我们就这样放弃爱情了吗? 是否能不能够再给爱情多一次机会。 是否能不能够相信爱情这个玩意儿都是看个人的, 但爱情终究是我们存在这世界的原因之一。

hearts 03:23:00
0 spoken words


Mum got promoted to AVP. She says this mean I can decide on which university to go. I guess it's fixed then. Everything points toward that direction. She suggested doing double degree. Slog my life away. :)

hearts 00:01:00
0 spoken words

Tuesday, January 27, 2004

Laughing and crying blends badly.
The tugging within the heart
Just keeps pulling and tearing.
Smile upon the teary face shows.

Clowns we all are in this theatre.
The mask that we wear on face
Just keeps changing and refreshing.
Acting is the key in playing our roles.

hearts 04:34:00
0 spoken words

Monday, January 26, 2004

Going for my scan in less than 13 hours.

You have yet to ask me how I am.

Passed by Jurong East interchange today and immediately, I saw the both of us walking there. It was the last time we met. The last night we spent together. I'll never forget that night. How you smiled so sweetly in your sleep. How you hugged me to sleep. Baby, you can deny everything and say that it was lust and all but you didn't see what I see when you fell asleep. I didn't sleep. I was watching you. Watching your sweet face sleep so soundly. Feeling so loved when you hugged me. Baby, you didn't know all these but at that point in time, I really felt so loved that I cried cos I thought you finally could let go of all those barriers but no. You chose to leave again. That piece of memory will forever be etched in my heart. The cuddles, kisses and hugs. Everything. Will be forever carved in blood upon my broken heart...

Love can never fade away. It has just gone into hiding.

hearts 05:18:00
0 spoken words

Sunday, January 25, 2004







what flavor pocky are you?


[c] sugardew


hearts 04:11:00
0 spoken words


My 3rd day without painkillers. Nearly succumbed to taking those pills again. Joshua poked me right at the spot where it hurts and I thought I'll just die.

Wanted to go out and drink again but stopped myself. Tried to avoid every single thing that has any thing to do with you then my dear little sister Sonia asked me why am I not wearing that heart-shaped pendant anymore...

She said she liked me to wear it. She liked it on me. She preferred it on than any of those chains I've been wearing. I love it too. I yearn so much to put it back on with the words Merlin & Lala engraved on one side and our loving picture on the other. I wanted so much for time to turn back, to change things so that we will still be together...

I stared at it. I could still make out your sweet face. I could still see that smile. You chose this picture. You loved that picture but probably now, you loathe it. I wanted so much to cry but I couldn't. I hid my tears till now. When the night is silent and the lonely hearts came out to play, my tears shall be shed so that no man can see it.

Went to Ernie's place for a gathering. They played Moulin Rouge. Classic love story. HA. What do I know about love? I know nothing except that it hurts yet it stays so strong. Li en asked me about my scan yesterday whether it is for cancer as well and asked me whether I'm prepared for the worst possible scenerio. What worst possible scenerio could there be? It's already the worst for me. You ain't here for me anymore. You don't even bother to ask how the pain is. Sometimes, I just wish I could die from these pain. Sometimes, I just wanna slap you for making me so hurt. Sometimes, I just wanna hate myself. Why... Why do I love you so much that it hurts. Why do I love you??

I really wanna know. It's too painful to know that I've to go through that scan without you. It's too painful to know that even if the results are negative, I'll have no one to share the joy with. It's too painful to know that you're no longer a part of my life. I hate you... I hate you... Why must you do this to me... I hate you for making me love you so much. I hate you making me love you so much till I'm unable to hate you... Irony.

Kill me, my pain, kill me softly..

Someday I'll vanish from this Earth and you'll live on. Will you think of me in the same way that I think of you? I doubt it but I pray someday you will.

hearts 04:04:00
0 spoken words

Saturday, January 24, 2004

My 2nd day without painkillers. It's amazing isn't it, what willpower can do. Even the worst cramps couldn't make me take those pills. Just so tired of taking all that nonsense shit. I rather die.

Wanted to head out to ECP for a drink or two then a sharp pain hit me. Reminding me of the condition I'm currently in. How can I go out and drink in such a condition? I don't know. I'm still tempted to do so. I just feel like drinking... Feel like killing myself slowly..

I know you probably hate me for loving you. I know you probably find my love more of a burden than joy. I know you loathe me for telling you about those pains. All I can say is I'm sorry. But I'll still go on and say I love you. I don't wanna wake up one day realising that my life is gone and I did not say to you for the last time... how much I love you.

hearts 01:39:00
0 spoken words

Friday, January 23, 2004

You're Perfect ^^
-Perfect- You're the perfect girlfriend. Which
means you're rare or that you cheated :P You're
the kind of chick that can hang out with your
boyfriend's friends and be silly. You don't
care about presents or about going to fancy
placed. Hell, just hang out. You're just happy
being around your boyfriend.


What Kind of Girlfriend Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla

If I'm perfect, why did he leave me? If I'm a good girl, why did he say those words? LOL. Did I mention I'm having a blessed 2004?

hearts 21:16:00
0 spoken words


No one will care about how you really feel. They only care about how you affect their mood and life. Yet true friends do care, how you actually feel and they hate to see you put on an act.

This quote is courtesy of Marcus. Thanks Marcus, for sharing this beautiful quote with me.

Isn't that so true? Someday, you'll realise why I'm always smiling despite you treating me harshly. Why my tears only flow when ya outta sight.

hearts 03:51:00
0 spoken words


O. Fark. The pain is back. Thought I could proudly say I can survive a day without painkillers but I was wrong. I need them now but I don't wanna take them... Just so tired of poppin' pills.

O ya, my lump got slightly bigger again. LOL.

A blessed 2004 indeed.

Just watched American Idol 3. Simon Cowell is the man! I love him. He's the kinda guy who's so brutally honest that I just love him to the bits...

Just like you. You're always so honest about everybody else except to yourself. Maybe that's why I'm stuck for so long... I'm just addicted to your brutality, your frankness, you... everything about you.

I could move from day to day but my heart will never move a inch, always there waiting for you.

hearts 03:01:00
0 spoken words

Thursday, January 22, 2004

I went without painkillers today. It wasn't the wisest choice but I had to. I'm running out of them.

Asked Brother today whether I'm disrespectful and he said at times, I'm just too blunt. So I got him to keep me in check.

Then I realised that you are not much better.

I'm just like a replica of you except that I express better in words but am reserved and you can't express that well your thoughts but you're a social individual.

Birds of a feather flock together but for us, we repelled like the like poles of a magnet.

Melvin says MRC said I called him a flirt. Fark. Since when did I ever say that?

What a great way to begin the first day of the year of Monkey...

Did I mention I'm having a blessed 2004?

How I wish to be dead...

hearts 23:15:00
0 spoken words

Wednesday, January 21, 2004

He said that I've never respected any of my friends and never respected him as a friend.

What a beautiful way to start the year of Monkey.

Did I mention before that I'm having a

.Blessed 2004.

Pain came in wave after wave,
Tears fall in drop after drop,
Letters formed word after word,
Smiles masked in day after day.

Hurtful words said in blithe,
Laughters and smiles replied,
Arguments after arguments,
Weary is the soul bridging gaps.

Language so strong that holds,
Yet so strong that breaks souls,
Every single word counts deep,
Every heart within echoes them.

Mine soul shall thy gladly wrench,
Words of thy language carves scars,
Jovial soul of mine shall greet thou,
For mine love prevails above thy harsh.

hearts 23:28:00
0 spoken words


Went to meet Brother to do last-minute shopping just now. Before I left, I messaged him to say I love him lots. Of course it didn't go down well but it doesn't matter. :)

Got the blue billabong dress that I've been eyeing for so long, a new pair of slippers and a new bag. By the time I got my bag, the painkiller has already worn off its effect and I was starting to feel those sharp pains again but luckily, it was still bearable.

By the way, happy CNY to all of you. =)

You'll always be the one that is able to give me a place called home.

hearts 20:27:00
0 spoken words


Wonder who went CNY shopping with you this year...

Wonder if you're still wearing that red shirt I chose for you last year...

Wondering whether you're thinking about me...

Wonder when will all these hurt and pain end...

Loving you was never an option. It was God-given. I'll love you till my very last breath even after you're happily married to another.

hearts 16:31:00
0 spoken words


Waited at the bus stop for nearly 20 mins for the right bus to come. Of course, I'm gonna say it's bus 67 that greeted me after that long wait.

You don't have to wait for me. I'll always be waiting for your arrival back in my heart...

Saw a top at Cineleisure that I so wanna get for you but I know my gift will be rejected. -sigh- The pain is just unbearable. You're the only one who knows how to take away the pain and set me at ease. You're the only one...

Only you can bring on my laughters and my tears... all at once.

Then my new pair of slippers broke. The right side of it. But this time round, with the right glue, it got fixed.

Some things can be mended as long as you're willing to take the risks and commit yourself to it...

Guess what. The lump just got bigger. =D

I'm having a blessed 2004. =)

hearts 05:04:00
0 spoken words

Tuesday, January 20, 2004

I remembered Yusuf asking me what scan am I going for. Frankly, I don't know. I only know it's a scan. Then he said "cancer scan".

Called buddy to tell him about my impending scan and he was like, in that questioning tone, hinted whether I'm preggies and I went no! This is farking serious. Then he was like.. OHHhh.. What happened? Buddy... buddy... buddy... =P Anyway, he asked me whether I'll get hospitalised. I'm like, most likely not. I mean it's just a scan right. It can't be that bad. Not sure though.

Saw 67 approached today at the bus-stop at Eunos MRT station. I wanted to run for it but...

I'm too tired to run and chase after the bus. Let it wait if it wants. I'm just too tired.

Just realised something too.

Eversince he left me, I've been falling sick. I've been getting weaker and weaker. I saw how my mood lighten up just cos he spoke to me yesterday. I saw how my mood sullen just cos he refused to talk to me. Why am I allowing him to do these things to me? Love. What is love? I don't know. It brought me way up high then threw me into the darkest pits.

I miss you so much... I love you for the rest of my life.

It took us two years to become lovers. Two years to become strangers again. Will another two years be needed for us to be friends once more, then another two to realise that things never did change?

hearts 19:55:00
0 spoken words


"Your appointment will be at Changi General Hospital at 1450hrs next Monday."

LOL. What a great way to start my day. I've been told to go for a scan. LOL. I called him, hoping to seek some reassurance but all I got was "take care". It was good enough for me... at least he picked up my call.

I found out something today.

Laughters and tears don't go well together. The heart just hurts even more.

hearts 04:00:00
0 spoken words

Monday, January 19, 2004

I cried as I read back all my past entries. Sometimes, I wonder why do I love you so much? Why do I tolerate all these? Can I really be so sacrificial? Can I really do everything within my means to make you happy? Everybody says I'm plain stubborn and blind. But you know, I don't care. I love you and that's all that matters to me.

I had another bizarre dream after my earlier dream. I dreamt that everything in my life was lost. I was crying. I didn't know what to do. You weren't there anymore. I cried cos of my lost email accounts... All your precious emails to me were all gone. I cried as I tried keying in usernames after usernames, passwords after passwords, trying with all my might to get in.. into at least one. Just let me read one of your emails.... Then I woke up, I was in tears. I didn't know till now how much I've been missing you. I can pretend that I don't but the gnawing fact is I do... I still do... and it hurts so much to know you're there but I can't hold you like before. We can't even talk anymore.. What went wrong. I really wanna know.

Someday, I'll die. I just wanna be able to look back to my past and say I've truly loved before. Cheng Sing sent me a URL a while back. It spoke about how in our lives we'll meet 4 people.

1 - ourselves
2 - one that you love most
3 - one that loves you the most
4 - one whom you marry

Then Cheng Sing mentioned that he's lucky enough to have met three. I replied back that I've only met two. Somehow, I just can't seem to find the right guy who will never hurt me and cherish me like a real princess. Somehow, I just find myself loving this one person. Then I said something, probably hoping to be more upbeat. Anita Mui, too, met only 2 of them in her lifetime but she died with a smile. Maybe I'll be the same.

Will you come see me if I'm hospitalised? Will you come see me if anything happens to me? Will you even care? You cared for all of your friends. You cared for all of these people but never the ones who will give anything to make you happy. You hurt those who loved and cared for you greatly. When the world abandons you and all your friends walked out on you, please do remember you still have me... always on your side. I love you and I'll never regret it. Someday, just someday, I hope you'll meet a girl who loved you the way I did and you're able to love the same girl the same way... and then the both of you will live happily ever after.

I'll be comforted to know that you're well-loved and taken care of. I will be.

If you knew that only a few would care that you came, would you still come? If you knew that those you loved would laugh in your face, would you still care? If you knew that the tongues you made would mock you, the mouths you made would spit at you, the hands you made would crucify you, would you still make them?
Christ did.

-- Max Lucado in "A Love Worth Giving to You at Christmas"

hearts 01:05:00
0 spoken words


Went about asking my friends a question.

"What's my biggest flaw?"

Herng Jye: Ya heart too soft. A gullible loud tiger.
Yunting: Giving in
Benje: Too stubborn [i accidentally deleted his message.]
Richmond: Too persistent in doing something. But it is also your strength...
Wayne: Not that I can think of.
Kok Hwa: Too sentimental.
Frawley: Too stubborn.
Priya: Not being able to look past your heart.
Teck Hou: Indecisive.
ChengSing: Too emotional.
Beizhen: u can be very arrogant at times. and thk that u are right when sometimes u may not. u do not seek to understand ur neigbours most of the time and love to have your own ways.
Melvin: Too soft-hearted.
Peifang: Attitude problem.
Leon: I haven't seen any.
Roland: Too zealously devoted.

So what's your say, dear friends?

I see a trend forming... =)
Just updated again

hearts 00:52:00
0 spoken words

Sunday, January 18, 2004

Bittercold air engulfs my soul,
Tried to fend it off with all I had,
Tried to make the best of it yet
Failure seems my middle name.

Your words stung me like poison,
The venom spreads as blood flows,
The venom numbed my senses yet
Tears dripped uncontrollably again.

What have I done to deserve these?
What have I said that worsen things?
Shaking my head from side to side
I couldn't see, I couldn't tell anymore.

You took away you from the word 'us',
You took away the laughters and joy,
You took away everything that mattered
But you can never take away my love.

hearts 18:48:00
0 spoken words


. slack saturday .

Woke up at 0930hrs. Late as usual. Got up to get bathed cos my right thumbnail broke... again. Then I set forth for Vanessa's place. We tried to glue it back but some things, once broken can never be mended. That bitter truth stung my heart. She asked me... "Who do you like now" in Mandarin. I looked at her and said, "The same guy who broke my heart so many times yet my heart refuses to let the love go..." She shook her head and sighed, "Really can't stand you. Can't believe in this world got a person like you" in Mandarin. Then Brother messaged a rather disturbing message. When I finally contacted him, I didn't ask, I commanded him to meet me to go Sentosa together and he obliged. Such a morning wasn't the start that I've wished for but I guess, I had to face it. I can go on and on and move on to whichever part of the world but my heart will be at a standstill, still waiting for you to embrace the love. What a bloody fool I am.

Arrived at Sentosa with Brother at about 1515hrs. Freaking late. Brother and I joined forkie, Brian, Chris and Benje in the sea. I joked with them, laughed with them. Brother tried to, I guess but he started to drift off. I felt torn. I didn't know how to cheer him up. I didn't know what to say to make things seem right. I didn't know how not to say anything without the slight hint of anger that his girl is being too much. So I just shut up. We laid on the platform and just stayed in silence. Benje then swam over and informed us of something that just added on to everything that had already happened. Evin has been admitted to hospital. I wanted to go visit her but I had church service and Chris' car was filled with other well-wishers.

After Sentosa, we went to Harbourfront to have food followed by ice-cream. Then I seperated from the group to go to church. Brother, Benje, Forkie, Wayne, Tiffany and Chris went to visit Evin. Brother said that she was ok, just kinda weak. Maybe this was the only blessing for the entire day. I went to church and learnt that the speaker today was from California. I was taken aback cos just a couple of days back, I was contemplating into studying in APU again and when I heard where Pastor Lance Witts was from, I knew then what I had to do. During service, I got hit by one of the worst pangs of pain ever. My entire body cringed in the acute pain that went wave after wave. I thought I would just scream out in pain. I couldn't sit up straight. My right hand clutching the left side of my abdominal area. Yet I felt a certainty that I'll be fine. After his service, he came up to talk to me and I told him of my desire to further my studies in APU. Like as if God was using him to speak to me, he said "APU is a good Christian university and if you ever go there, you've to come visit Saddleback Church and look for me." He smiled one of the most sincere smile I've seen of late. It was the smile I was seeking to say that things will work out...

Went back home to take my hormonal pills before meeting Brother again to go to Jakob's place. The intention was to drink till we all drop dead drunk but Jaston had a headache and Wayne wasn't able to go back home to grab his Chivas. Nonetheless, Brother still drank. Sigh. It hurts to see him smiling yet I feel a certain aura of sadness around him but I couldn't say or do anything cos I didn't know what to say or do. I'm just glad he didn't smoke. I told Brother that I really wanna know who this anonymous is. Why would he/she say that Merv will eventually miss me? Brother suggested maybe it is him and I replied almost immediately, "it can't be. it's not his style." I knew him too well. He'll never such stuff, he's too chauvinistic to say such things. Even if a day comes when he realised all of these, he will just bear it within his heart. I knew him too well, he'll never admit to such things. Maybe it's my churchmates, maybe it's that girl who liked him when he and I patched, maybe it's his friends. I don't know but at the moment, I felt my heart turn cold. I didn't wanna feel anything anymore. I was too tired. I wanted to cry but I couldn't. Even tears no longer can fall. I could only laugh. Laugh at myself. What a joke I've became...

. slow sunday .

Left Jakob's place early to go home with Brother. Took the entire day off, couldn't even go for filming in church. The pain is too much. I also found a growth around my pelvis area. Yet, to ask my mum about it. I'm so tired of everything. Right now, I yearn for his voice. Right now, I yearn for his hugs. Right now, I yearn for his kisses. Right now, I yearn for his presence. I miss him so much but he'll never know.. No, he'll never know...

hearts 18:08:00
0 spoken words

Saturday, January 17, 2004

很爱很爱你 所以愿意 舍得让你
往更多幸福的地方飞去
很爱很爱你 只有让你 拥有爱情 我才安心


Went to ECP on my own just. Had to clear my thoughts. The question "Why do I always give in?" kept coming into my head that I had to get rid of it. I cried in silence there. I was so tired. Tired of always giving in to your requests. Tired of tolerating all your nonsense. Tired of this love. Tired of loving a love that hurts more than anything else. Tired of all that sharp pangs of pain. Tired... Exhausted... Enervated.

All of a sudden, I recalled this song and asked Brother to download it for me. Now I know. Now I understand. As long as you're happy, I'm able to tolerate every bit of nonsense from you. As long as you're happy, I'm able to give in to every of your requests even if it hurts more than anything else. As long as you're happy, this love will never hurt... cos of that smile upon your face.

It was about 2353hrs when a voice in my head spoke.

There will be many obstacles in the route that you've chosen but it'll bring you home... it will.

hearts 03:27:00
0 spoken words

Friday, January 16, 2004

I'm bordering on hysteria or rather I'm beyond hysteria. I cry at the slightest thing.

I heard the same message ring in my head again this morning...

Patience, my child, and perseverance will get you there but will you still want it?

This time round, I had the answer.

I'll still want and cherish it.

Then the sun sets as the clock goes ticking by, I fell asleep, yet again, like a baby on bus 67, overshooting my desired stop.

When my head rose to greet a familiar place called home, I heard...

67 connected you to him. It'll always be the bus that will bring you home safely. The connection will never end.

I replied, probably not to what I heard, but to Mervin in silence.

You can take away us.
You can take away the relationship.
You can take away the joys and the sorrow.
You can take away the laughters and the tears.
You can take away everything BUT
You can never take away love AND
How I feel towards you.


You lost. I lost. You lost to my love so strong. I lost to my love so strong. I'm stubborn. So are you. But I follow my heart, you - your mind.

I rest my case.

. notes .

Who are you, anonymous? I really wanna know. I thank you for your kind messages. They are beautiful.

hearts 22:55:00
0 spoken words


Painted my nails brown.

I feel very lifeless after all that had happened. I did my best not to argue with you. I gave you all that you wanted and I'll continue to do the same. You don't wish me to be around, I won't be. I'm sorry for being a bugger. =)

Cried countless times. I'm really getting very tired. Tired of everything. I took bus 74, NEL, bus 65 but I couldn't lay in peace yet on bus 67, I slept like a baby. I'm tired.

I heard from God this morning and He said,

"Patience, my child, and perseverance will get you there but will you still want it?"

hearts 03:23:00
0 spoken words

Wednesday, January 14, 2004

Waking up the very next morning, a familiar pierce in under her ribcage was felt once more, a familiar stab towards her heart resounded. She still couldn't believe and grasp hold of what had just happened. Weren't they laughing and talking again once more? How did things boil down to such a manner? How did everything just go wrong? Was it something she did? Was it something she didn't do? She wasn't sure. She couldn't understand. Tears welled up again.

She didn't dare open her eyes for much longer, she shut her eyes. The blinding sunshine blazed upon her eyelids, forcing her to face the day but she couldn't. Day no longer belong to her. She belongs to the dark, the gloomy, the depressed. Finally sunshine gave up on her and the bittercold night sky swept past her lifeless body. She awoke, like a zombie, pale and lifeless. Walking about in a daze, her head was throbbing in pain.

Panadol Extra Strong. She needed one of these. She needed to get rid of the pain... She popped one. Two. Three. The pain was still there. "Useless piece of junk!", she sweared under her breath and roughly threw the box of pills aside. Throwing on her jeans and a polo tee, she walked out of the house decked in a windbreaker and cap as well. She wants to lead a life of an anonymity. In silence, she paid tribute to nature, to her surroundings. In silence, she remembered Anita Mui, how she led a life filled with friends and accomplished many but her only desire - marriage. In silence, she recalled that bitter row. In silence, she teared once more.

She reached town with her brother and continued her walk in silence as they made their way to Party World. Everybody there seemed to be singing their blues away and they were no better when they met up with her other two friends. They sang love songs. They tried to sing their blues away. They cracked jokes in their midst. They tried to contain their tears in the little joy they found in socializing.

Leave. She had to leave. The memories of him were swimming back into her mind as they walked out of Party World and onto the deserted Orchard Road. There were lonely individuals. There were couples basking in love under the night sky. There were young people just gathering to fight off the loneliness. There were the old looking up to the starry sky, probably wondering how their life had passed them by. She stood at that very junction that he had left her on New Year's Day to take a cab back alone at 0200hrs. She remembered how they had argued that very day and how she cried herself to sleep on New Year's Day when everybody was out partying and having fun. Then she remembered that big plastic bag with the name "Molecule" on it. It was Valentine's Day and she saw them standing in front of that florist. She heard him promising her that he'll buy her blue roses for their next Valentine's day together. She remembered the smiles on their faces. She remembered the love they shared. It was too much.

She burst into her house not wanting to think of anything. She just want to be alone. She locked herself up with her laptop in a tiny little room. She was still feeling the throbbing pain within her head. Burying herself under the thought of finishing her report, she typed on. It was 0300hrs. She was getting tired. She had finished her report. The night had proved too weary for her soul. She laid down once more.

It seems to be a cycle she couldn't break out of. Very next day seems to be a repeat of yesterday. She found herself in pain once more. She found herself fighting against the sunshine. She found herself fighting against everything that proved too tiresome. All she wants is her old self back but she lost her to him.

She laid on her parents' bed. Glancing towards her right, she softly swept her hand over the empty side of that bed. She recalled how they had once laid there in a morning, cuddling up against one another and whispering sweet nothings into each other's ears. She recalled how they had fun kissing and hugging, making out under the sheets. She recalled how he promised he'll never leave her...

"How are you...", she began to call out in a whisper, "are you feeling better? is there another girl that cuddles you in the same way that i do? is there another girl laying on the very same bed with you?"

Tears trickled down from her eyne onto the pillow. A smile formed upon her face, a sharp contrast to how her heart was feeling.

"i hope she's making you happy..."

Turning to her left, she mumbled to herself.

"living is worse than death but what choice do i have?"

Her smile came crestfallen as a frown took over it's place. She couldn't bear it any longer. The silence between them both since that night. She tried calling him again but no one picked up.

"you really ain't gonna pick my call up anymore. maybe you're right. i've to break this cycle. break this cycle of pain and hurt. i let my heart lead the way and that's all i got but i don't blame you. i blame myself. i blame myself for letting you make all the decisions. i blame myself for believing in us so much. i blame myself... never you. someday you'll meet a new girl and marry her. i'll watch from afar, smiling down at you with blessings in my heart. ah yes, it's time for me to leave for a faraway place. it's time for me to go away, to grant you the peace that you said i denied you of... i'm sorry my friends, my family, my Lord. the devil has gotten me."

One last tear drop fell. The love within her still burning with such passion. She had said she'll love him till the end and she did. She loved him till her very last breath. As her final moments flutter her by, she found herself at Anita Mui's funeral watching how her ex-lovers proclaimed her as their greatest love in their life. How they finally realised what they have lost. How they all cried in silence for the woman that loved them so dearly and passionately. She smiled as life seeped away, thinking will he ever say the same?

People only learn the true value of things dear to them when they lose them forever.

hearts 20:02:00
0 spoken words


Changed my background music to Trisha Yearwood's How do I live.

How do I get through one night without you
If I had to live without you
What kind of life would that be
Oh I, I need you in my arms
Need you to hold
You're my world, my heart, my soul
If you ever leave
Baby, you would take away everything good in my life

(Chorus)
And tell me now
How do I live without you
I want to know
How do I breathe without you
If you ever go
How do I ever, ever survive,
How do I
How do I
Oh how do I live

Without you, there'd be no sun in my sky
There would be no love in my life
There would be no world left for me
And I ,
Baby I don't know what I would do
I'd be lost if I lost you
If you ever leave
Baby you'd take away everything real in my life

(Chorus)

Please tell me baby
How would I go on
If you ever leave
Baby you would take away everything
Need you with me
Baby, don't you know that your everything good in my life

And tell me now
How do I live without you
I want to know
How do I breathe without you
If you ever go
How do I ever, ever, survive
How do I
How do I
Oh how do I live

How do I live
Without you baby


Tell me, Merv, how do I live... after all these? I love you and will always need you in my life but you don't see it. Maybe cos you chose not to. Maybe you don't understand. But that's how it is for me, you are my everything.

hearts 18:18:00
0 spoken words


Take the M&M's Test @ /~erin

CDocumentsandSettingsAshleyMyDocumentsMyPicturesBeauty_02_thumb_pics.gif
You are Belle! Intelligent and misunderstood, you
often retreat into your own little world. Try
finding a common ground with people before you
assume that you won't be able to get along wit
them.


What Disney Character Are You?(females)
brought to you by Quizilla

Which reality show should you be on?

Survivor

You're a hard-core adventurer type and you're smart and crafty to boot. You may lose 30 pounds if you stick it out on this show but at least you can brag to friends and family about how you walked 12 miles in the blazing sun with a broken ankle!!

Personality Test Results

Click Here to Take This YouThink.com Quiz!


(Ladies) Which celebrity should you end up with?

Kevin Spacey

You like older men it seems, the smart, funny, charismatic men...

Personality Test Results

Click Here to Take This YouThink.com Quiz!

hearts 16:34:00
0 spoken words

Tuesday, January 13, 2004

A piece of good news. Finally!

I'll be helping out in the video ministry at church! Hallelujah! =)

hearts 21:08:00
0 spoken words


She laid her head down onto that soft pillow. Feeling groggy and extremely exhuasted after being ill for more than a day. All she could think of was him despite him saying unkind things towards her just the night before. All she wanted to hear was him saying, "take care". All she wanted to tell him was what she truly felt.

She fought with her emotions, knowing it was getting kinda late to call him. It was 0145hrs. The clock was ticking. She had to make a decision soon. Lifting her cellphone to her eye level, she speed-dialled '2'. As the phone rang in the background, her heart was preparing for the worst - him cancelling the call - but he didn't. He picked up and said gruffly over the phone, "hello".

Taken by surprise, she immediately fumbled for the phone to be placed closer to her ear, to hear the voice she missed so much. She replied, in the calmest tone possible, "hello. can we talk?" He started to sound rather displeased with her and that triggered an alarm within her head. "Why do you sound so displeased?", she asked.

"Can you please not leave messages for me through your quit message?"

Question marks formed within her thoughts. "What make you so sure that those messages are for you?"

"If it's not, then don't join my channel. It's lame and dumb."

"Must those messages be left for YOU alone? Can't they be for other people? Everything I do is just wrong, isn't it? Nothing I do can EVER be right!"

Silence lingered in the air after that outburst. She has been trying to control her emotions, trying not to flare her temper at him but she lost it... in the end.

She mumbled quickly under her breath, "We talk another day. Let the both of us cool down first. Bye."

She hung up. For the first time in her entire life, she hung up without waiting for a reply from him. Tears were threatening to flow and she didn't want him to hear her cry. That's the least she could do. Slowly, her body began to curl up and in a foetus-like shape, she laid in complete silence. Tears were flowing uncontrollably as she began to make her final plea.

"God. I've had enough. I'm not like his father, so patient, so kind. I'm just a girl whose limit has been tested. What more does he want from me? Have I tried not hard enough? Tell me! Have I not been trying hard enough..."

Her phone beeped. "1 message received". She read the message and was torn by what she read.

So now your turn to hang up huh. U so sure i'll ever pick up your call again.

She didn't know how to reply. She just stared in complete shock at that message. She did wrong again. A major wrong. She just could never do right in his eyes...

u want to hear me cry? pls. nvm la. whatever i do is just wrong even if the action was done by you before but was justified. i don't know. i'm always wrong. no matter what i say or do. nothing i say or do is ever right in your eyes.

Throwing her phone to one corner, she covered her face with her pillow. No more lights for her. No more daybreak. All she want is silence... pure silence. All she wants is darkness to loom in the room she laid. Her heart was tearing but she needed to let it all out to someone. She speed-dialled "4".

Her brother picked up the call and she started to blabber whatever that had just happened. She couldn't control herself anymore. She had tried bottling everything up just as not to hurt him. She had tried so hard but was it not hard enough? She shouted to her brother when she finally lost it all, "maybe the only thing i'll ever do right is if i go kill myself. maybe then he'll look and point and say you finally did right."

The call ended soon after. It was 0224hrs. Less than 45 mins has passed and things has escalated way beyond her control. She didn't know what to do. Then she realised a reply from him was received.

it doesn't matter if you're wrong or not cos i do't care. can you please give me peace?

Have she not given him enough peace? Have she not tried her very best not to have any form of conflicts with him anymore? Have she not tried hard enough to use laughters as masks to her tears whilst talking to him? Have she not tried hard enough?! She had it.

i love you. i'm sorry.

That's all she could reply.

u just won't give me peace.

She was lost. She no longer knew what to do. Battling with the demons at play, she went forth towards her kitchen table and started to make a cocktail of pills. She was tired. Exhausted. She's sick but all she got was all these. She had no consolation, she only screwed things up by being alive. Maybe everything and everybody will be better and happier without her existence. Maybe she could put things right just by eliminating her presence.

i'm sick and i don't wanna argue anymore. i'm sorry for my poor attitude but the fact remains that i love you.

He no longer replied. He never apologized. He never said anything. She gave up. She looked to the table and that cocktail of pills then towards her make-shift bed in the living room. She's still trying so hard to mend things on her own. She still can't sleep on her very own bed. She bore it all within her heart. She knew that living will be worse than death, in her point of view but she knew that if she dies, other people will be devastated. He might not be part of the "other people" but she couldn't bear to even imagine her mother crying over her dead body. She placed the pills back to where they belong.

It was 0300hrs. She was tired. She laid her head once more onto that soft pillow. Her head spinning now. Headaches. She gave up the struggle. Closing her eyes, a tear drop fell onto her pillow.

hearts 16:25:00
0 spoken words

Monday, January 12, 2004

Anger spews from within,
Those irresponsible words
Coming from within thy mouth,
Made me convulse in fits.

Tears rolled from mine eyne,
Pixelating my near-blind vision
Of the cold and serene sky,
Bringing everything to standstill.

Vengeful words poured from mouth,
Vulgarities and profanities alike
Came on like a fountain overflow,
Allowing myself to just let go.

Sinking deeper into manic depression,
Laughing and crying as time ticks,
Double-edged sword love truly is,
I sunk, drowned in complete silence.

hearts 21:19:00
0 spoken words


Called him last night after I logged off but he offered no consolation. Tears were threatening to flow as I ended the conversation for the first time without saying "bye" to him. Was so hurt by what he said.

You don't even know what I really want in life but you dare say that I wanna meet up with you to talk cos I couldn't get what I want. Since you're so smart, tell me, what do I want?!

You said I talked that day. Go think. Go recollect. I didn't exactly speak much. Yes, I did speak but what did I exactly say? Did I argue with you? Did I really talk? No. But obviously you didn't care. You were so absorbed in your own little world. You said I'm selfish. You said I'm in denial. You ain't any better!!! All you care about is yourself, yourself and yourself. You are in denial about everything. You said your mum has a problem but do you know that you're an almost EXACT REPLICA of your mum? You farking find fault in everything I do. Nothing seems to be right with you. Everything is just wrong. I may not be anything like your father but I've been tolerating every single bit of your nonsense and loving you all the same. I tried not to argue back as often cos I know I have my faults but you never saw any of it. You just see me as a nemesis. Someone who will always aim to destroy your life.

You said you don't have feelings for me. Search deep into your soul and answer yourself. I don't wish to state further. Your eyes betrayed your soul. Go on, say I'm in denial. Say I'm lying to myself. Basically whatever I say or do is wrong and whatever you do is right. You dictated everything. You decided everything. I didn't wrestle for any control. I let you. Do I blame you? Hell no! I chose the bloody route myself. But don't you dare turn back and say things like "you didn't get what you want" when you farking have no idea what I want in life!

I'm tired of every bloody nonsense. The only way you'll understand what I'm saying right now, with tears forcing to roll down and an anger that's making my difficulty in breathing worse, is if I die and leave you forever. Only then will you understand and see for yourself that whatever I said is of truth.

Keropi says I'm brave to follow my heart. I might be brave but I'm a fool too. And I don't care anymore. Just kill me.

hearts 21:12:00
0 spoken words


Went out early to have brunch with Wayne, Vincent and Jakob but ended up at Parkway having lunch. I bought an OP babyblue cap and a Samuel & Kevin's windbreaker. Had a stroll around before heading down to PS with the intentions of catching Scary Movie 3. The timing was kinda off so we set forth to Suntec to the bookfair.

I bought 6 books from the bookfair -:

1) Maria Celeste Arraras' Selena's Secret - The Revealing Story Behind Her Tragic Death
2) Ellen Miller's Like Being Killed
3) A.N. Wilson's The Rise & Fall of the House of Windsor
4) Charles Berlitz & William L. Moore's The Roswell Incident - The Classic Study of UFO Contact
5) Isabel Allende's Paula
6) Dennis McEldowney's Shaking the Bee Tree

Caught a cold whilst in the hall. Probably cos of the temperature (was only in shorts and t-shirt). After that we headed off for dinner and I saw a person whom I hate to the core. Ronny. That bastard. He made my blood boil just by showing his face. Saw him with another girl. Felt anger as I called Yunting and told her what I saw. He's one Christian I'll never call Brother! Damn him.

After dinner, we went to Carrefour to buy some stuff and met Jaston there. After loitering around, we decided to head down to Broadwalk (i think) for a drink. Ya. Despite having a cold, I drank 1 mug of beer. It's just one bloody mug. I'm damn tired. I met Zhongying there. She's working there and before I left, she asked me about Ingrid. I don't know. All of a sudden, I felt so tired. Enervated. I just wanted to shut my ears and not listen to anything that she said.

As I sat in the cab ride home, I was in complete silence. What's there to be said now? What has my heart led me to? I closed my eyes and I found myself in a dark room with all the doors shut. I was in the middle, head bend down, hand over my head - squatting. I heard sobs ringing in the background. I saw the menacing color of red glowing. I felt a blast of cold air sweeping over my body. I'm tired.

Give me a blade sharp
That cuts deep into vein,
Blood shall it flow in red,
Splashing upon cold concrete.

Warm blood as it seems
Can never triumph cold,
Shivering as it trickles,
Absolute ecstasy in pain.

Pain so well-addicted to
Becomes a daily diet to take,
Joy belongs to alter-ego,
As reality takes charge in false.

Lies of freedom and joy
You promised me in love,
Broken-hearted deep within,
Mending will prove impossible.

hearts 03:06:00
0 spoken words

Sunday, January 11, 2004

Drink, drank, drunk.
Flow of alcohol within,
Smoothly down my throat,
Thoughts swooshing up on me.

Think, thought, thinker.
Congregation within mind,
Cozying up my very tiny brain,
Tears threatened to flow down.

Tears, cry, cried.
Wisdom of grief within sight,
Understanding my true emotions,
Heart cried out in emotional torture.

Love, faith, hope.
Three elements we all hold on,
Folly of these we fell great heights,
Till eternity will lessons of they be learnt.

hearts 06:24:00
0 spoken words


Went to church today. Ernie said he's unable to view my blog due to an error. He forgot to read the entire message in complete. =P The message today was fantastic cos just before I went for service I was questioning myself and Yunting, "What's the purpose of life when there's only hurt and pain?"

"Meaningless. Meaningless. Utterly meaningless. Everything is meaningless." says King Solomon and I actually can relate to it. Everything just seem meaningless in life. Why should we bother to be friends with our enemies? Why should we love a person who hates us? Why? It's simple. Cos if everybody treats others the way they are treated, what good is there? Then I recall the very phrase. "Treat unto others what you wish others do unto you."

After church, I went to eat with the other churchmates afterwhich I met up with Gabriel, Brian, Bruce, Jeffrey, Kelvin, Edward, Wayne, Tiffany and Vincent. Sam and MRC joined us later. It was the first time I met Kelvin, Sam and MRC. A pleasure to meet you guys. =) Drank quite a bit with them. Ain't exactly sober as I type this entry but the environment was too much for me. The music. The sea. The sound of waves. The atmosphere. It was too much. Thoughts just rushed into my mind.

As the cycle repeats... I wished for the sea to engulfed in me in total.. to let me lay in eternal slumber...

hearts 05:59:00
0 spoken words

Friday, January 09, 2004

He'll probably be shocked to receive about 5 missed calls and 3 messages from me. He has yet to get back to me. -sigh- Maybe I'm not allowed to show the evil side of me to him. Maybe I'm just to leave in silence...

Frodo: [Voiceover] How do you pick up the threads of an old life? How do you go on, when in your heart you begin to understand there *is* no going back? There are some things time cannot mend. Some hurts that go too deep... and take hold.

Peter: You be quiet or I'll banish you just like Tink.

Wendy: I WILL NOT BE BANISHED!

Peter: Then leave! And take your feelings with you!

Wendy:(She leans down to kiss Peter Pan) This belongs to you, and always will

Peter: I want always to be a boy, and to have fun.

Wendy: You say so, but I think it is your biggest pretend.


Another little conversation that I made using quotes from Peter Pan and Lord of the Rings: Return of the King.

hearts 22:05:00
0 spoken words


I woke up this morning with a thought.

I need to talk to him... TODAY.

Why? I didn't know why. All I knew was it's time for me to finally say in his face what I want to say. Some of you might think that I've said what I wanna say when I met him on Wednesday. I didn't. I was too busy observing him. Too busy trying to search for answers beyond his exterior but he didn't realise. I only made feeble attempts to get him back and I really meant feeble. I just need to talk to him today then the pain hit me again.

A sharp, throbbing pain hit me just below my ribcage. Damn. No school for me today. It's time to pay the doctor another visit. I went and was still questioning whether I should really talk to him today. Is there really a need to? What do I wanna say to him? What can I say? Then finally I was called in to see the doctor.

When I told the doctor about the pain, there was an obvious frown shaped upon his face. He just kept asking how long has it been? A year? And I was like, "I don't know!" It has been there long enough to make me scared, that's all I knew. He made me do a urine test. Then revealed to me he was suspecting kidney stones but thank God, nothing came out from the test.

I tried to call him when I was waiting for the results but he didn't answer. I send a SMS instead, telling him that I needed to speak to him today. I had to. I need to. It's no longer a want, it's a need. I need him. But he didn't reply to either. I headed home. During the 10min time frame to get me home, I saw 3 bus 67s drove past me. Before I entered into my estate, I muttered to myself...

"If one more bus 67 appear before my eyes, I swear I'll be dead."

O. Yes. Like all stupid gambles that I took, another bus 67 drew into the bus bay. So ya. I'm dead.

hearts 18:20:00
0 spoken words


Melvin asked me a very interesting question.

"roughly wat u like abt him?"

How do I answer a question like this?

I love the way he smells. I love the way his arms wrap around me in such a protective style. I love the way he combs my hair. I love the way he looks into my eyes. I love his laughters. I love his tears. I love his angers. I love him when he treats me harshly. I love the way he talks. I love everything about him.

There's no answer to the question for when true love falls, there's no reason.

Then he says that he knows of a girl with a similar character as me but ended up marrying a much older man.

LOL. I remembered Brother telling me once that I might end up marrying an older man as well. Just for comfort's sake.

hearts 01:07:00
0 spoken words


Who can see the weary soul
Buried within the active persona?
The joys displayed upon her
Radiates a cover over her tears.

Who can hear the despair in her voice
Buried amongst the laughters?
The sound of beauty echoes
A cover over her rhythm of sobs.

She leads a double life of day and night
Perfectly in tune with her many facades.
The perfect mix of cosmetics worn
Over as foundation to her wrinkles.

The toll of it all seeps away her life
Slowly, one step after another...
She can no longer laugh like before
Neither can she cry anymore.

hearts 00:50:00
0 spoken words

Thursday, January 08, 2004

Lotsa anger was within me as I thought back of what happened yesterday. I wanted to call you names. The words "bastard" and "jerk" were so oft at the tip of my tongue that I, with just a flick, will roll it off. But I didn't. Each time I came close to doing so, a thought sprang within me.

"He's just being naughty. He's just trying to push you away."

Ya. Go ahead. Say all that you all want. I'm just farking blinded by love. I still think that that's not his true self, which isn't wrong. He wasn't him yesterday. He was some alien trying to possess my love's body. The story in his eyes didn't match the story from his mouth. Go on. Say I'm in denial. That I only wanna believe what I want to. I can't believe your words cos it's the very same mouth that convinced me 3 days before our initial break up then it's not lust, it's love, only to be told 3 days later that it's lust.

Since you're so farking unsure, your words just don't count anymore for now. With every other factors in play, I still believe there's hope for us. It's getting tiring but I'll hold on. Not cos I want to but cos I need to and have to. Why? You may ask. You'll just say I'm manipulating facts to believe what I want.

I was sitting at the bus stop at Copthorne. Just thinking. Thinking of whether I should let go. Thinking of what that damn link is all about. Thinking of lotsa things but my eyes were threatening to shut on me. I was damn tired. In every sense of the word. I said to the fellow above,

"Let's take a gamble k? If bus 67 comes first and there are seats, it means You want me to hold on. But if bus 66 comes and there are seats, I'll take it as You want me to let go. Fair enough?"

Then guess what? Must be a torture send from above or a very bitter lesson to learn never to gamble... bus 67 came with few people on board. Ok. I lost. I boarded the bus and slept all the way to home. When I got off the bus and trying to wake myself up for the final time, I heard these thoughts playing in my head...

"Bus 67 is always so cold. Always leaving you cold and alone but you still take it. It's the same with him. He treats you like crap, occasionally like a princess but when he wants to leave you cold and alone, he does it very well. Yet, you'll still go back to him. O. Yes. His hugs & kisses will always warm you up just right. You two are bloody morons in this lifetime. One tries to be cold and all but will always be the one that will deliver you to a place called home. The other tries to be a bitch, pretends to fark care about everything and insists that she'll be over him, only to realise that he's the one who will bring you to a place called home."

Go think what you want. Those are MY thoughts and no one can change it. Fark my life. It's all screwed up.

O. By the way, I can view my blog.

hearts 23:23:00
0 spoken words


Turning to my right, the first image that came to my mind was me in Yuwei's car, in Mervin's arms grumpy and all. It was the night when I called Beizhen to rush payment from Kay-lene but Kay-lene refused to pay. I was supposed to go to Mervin's place to stay for the night but I was too upset to continue with it so I told him I wanna go home. I saw his upset face yet again. Then it flashed to the scene where Yuwei got lost and I said, "Never mind la, go Merv's place." And I stayed at Mervin's place that night as planned. At the point of recollection, I heard Mervin's voice again. "I thought you'll not come to my place cos of that little incident. I was kinda upset by it but was glad you changed your mind."

Took this from my archive.

Somehow something is pushing me to highlight this paragraph again.

You said many things to me. You said I contradicted myself. The thing is, you contradicted yourself too. I follow my heart for it speaks the truth. Your words might be of such but your eyes, your actions spoke a different story. I'm sorry. I'm incapable of explaining myself.

hearts 01:54:00
0 spoken words


As I was walking at East Coast Park, pondering over what had just happened, I questioned God within my heart.

"You asked me to go look for him. And I did. You told me he held the answer. But he questioned. What am I suppose to do now? You've seen for yourself what has happened. Tell me, how am I to carry on? I'm tired. Way beyond tired.. I'm exhausted."

Then I heard...

But only love can say - try again or walk away
But I believe for you and me
The sun will shine one day
So I'll just play my part
And pray you'll have a change of heart
But I can't make you see it through
That's something only love can do


I took it in. I understood the meaning but I couldn't do it. Love? Love brought me pain. Brought me hurt. Following my heart... has brought me more harm than joy. Am I to follow once again, Lord?

As I drank that bottle of DNA down, I just kept wondering. What else can I do? What else can I say? How am I to be a friend with him? What's that unknown attachment that I feel between the both of us? What is it that's preventing me from just being a friend of his?? Then the words played back again...

But only love can say - try again or walk away
But I believe for you and me
The sun will shine one day
So I'll just play my part
And pray you'll have a change of heart
But I can't make you see it through
That's something only love can do


Ok. Fine. I understand now. I really do. So what do you want me to do? As I walked my way towards Parkway, I asked Him, tell me what do you want me to do now?

"Ask him to church."

"He won't go. He never will go."

"Ask him to church."

Yesyes. I'll ask. So I asked and he replied

"See first."

hearts 01:16:00
0 spoken words

Wednesday, January 07, 2004

Went over to Jakob's place to drink again last night. But I didn't drink much. Maybe cos of the cramps. Maybe cos I was such a nervous wreck just preparing myself for the worst to come. Maybe cos I realised again last night, that no matter how strong a front I place before me, it's still just a front.

I just fell asleep then I dreamt of a chaotic scene. I saw students from Chung Cheng. I saw all my friends gathered in that area. I saw my church mates. It was a bloody scene. War. I saw wounded individuals carrying others who were seriously injured. I saw doors sealed off. I saw walls broken down.

Then I saw me. Running about, looking for something. I was searching and I kept searching. I don't know what I'm looking for but I was looking for something. I saw your face and I smiled.

I woke up. It was too much for my mind to take. Shaking it off, I laid down for another rest.

hearts 15:21:00
0 spoken words


I'm on hormonal pills.

And I thought I wouldn't be one of those nutcase.

Sigh.

BTW. I read what you guys were so into today. FUCKING JOKE if you ask me. LOL. Bloody self-pity. LOL. Nothing but a mere joke.

Placing thyself so high above, I spit!

hearts 01:13:00
0 spoken words

Tuesday, January 06, 2004

Are words of such minor chords
Played by only the passives?
Beautiful words that speaks much
With minimum presence in form.

Do such beautiful terms dawn upon
The depress, the melancholics?
Who view the world with such disdain
That life is a mere walk in darkness.

O. Darkness fell upon the sight
Of writers far and wide between.
Virginia Woolf, Dorothy Parker -
Feminists with bleak visions.

Write as you must to draw all out,
The freezing grasp on individual's heart
Stemmed from choice of our words,
So let it play, let the words play.

hearts 22:41:00
0 spoken words


I learnt a beautiful lesson today.

A public figure is nothing more than a bitch well covered up.

Going to see a doctor soon. Then it's time to think again. The day draws nearer.

Tick tock tick tock. What will I say to him? I don't know. Mind's a blank..

Farking pain. I should just die... like Anita Mui.

Let me do a Teresa Teng

Now.

hearts 22:27:00
0 spoken words


I CAN'T VIEW ANY BLOGSPOTS!!!!!!!!!!!! WHY!?!?!?!?! =(

hearts 01:45:00
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Been going crazy the whole day.

What's wrong with me? I'm afraid. Afraid of saying the wrong things. Afraid of doing the wrong things. Yet. All that greets me is silence.

Went to get another henna done today. Mum says it looks kinda "gangster-ish". I don't know. Kinda like it.

I'm so tired.

hearts 01:41:00
0 spoken words

Sunday, January 04, 2004

I'm sorry Joanne.

You and I are two very different individuals. I know it's simple enough to just move on and forget but I can't.

You just have to let me be. How I feel is completely a whole new different thing from how you feel. There might be the same tears, there might be the same heartache but there'll never be the same thoughts.

He's the man I love with all my heart. He's the man I see my future with. He's the man whom I've pledged more than my love to.

He's the man whom I'll always wish the best for above mine own.

hearts 17:31:00
0 spoken words


Sitting at the jetty. Lotsa thoughts swarmed into my head.

I was so tired.

I glanced out into the sea. It was so calm that I wish for it to take me in. I hear it beckoning me... "come Clara... come... join us in the water..." I heard those words replaying as I stared, bewitched by the serenity. I felt my mind wrestle with my heart. My heart told me to jump in and forget everything. Let the water cleanse it all away. But my mind said no... I still wanna speak to you for one last time before I take my final step.

All four of you were at the back of the boat and asked me to join you all in appreciating the beauty of the night sky at Ubin but I couldn't. The temptation was too great for me to jump into the sea. I had to stay rooted and in silence struggle with all these emotions. I messaged Frawley. I was too tired.

I told her.

"frawley, i'm very tired le. everything in the relationship is he say de. go stead, get engaged, plan the future, break up, patch. everything. everything also he say. i say anything, do anything also wrong. i'm tired le. what he wana do, let him do le. but he can't stop me fr loving him. he cannot le."

She replied in a fashion like most would have.

"relax k? at least he's talking to you."

"talk? what talk? there was no talk. he's always so defensive. always finding faults with me. i give up le lo. sometimes i just wana run away to a place where no one can find me anymore."

Yes. The voices of death beckons for my soul. Thoughts of suicide swarms my mind like never before.

You exhaust me. You extinguished my flame for life. And I let you.

So put me to eternal slumber. Let me go to no man's land. Temptations of much calls for my soul to rest eternally.

hearts 17:04:00
0 spoken words

Saturday, January 03, 2004

I'm really bored. Pardon me.



Are you NASTY or NICE?

Quiz made by Angela

Snuggly Snoopy
(18-25 points)
Energetic? Check. Adorable? Yep. Loads of fun? You behave just like everyone's fave beagle, you've got the charisma to woo anyone over. Plus, you just love having a good time, no matter what. We guess that your bubbly personality keeps your friends laughing and smiling, just like Joe Cool does for the Peanuts gang!




I am heroic couplets; most precise
And fond of order. Planned and structured. Nice.
I know, of course, just what I want; I know,
As well, what I will do to make it so.
This doesn't mean that I attempt to shun
Excitement, entertainment, pleasure, fun;
But they must keep their place, like all the rest;
They might be good, but ordered life is best.
What Poetry Form Are You?


Hamlet
To be, or not to be?


What is Your Shakespearian Tragic Flaw?
brought to you by Quizilla

HASH(0x86ed658)
avoidant


Which Personality Disorder Do You Have?
brought to you by Quizilla

HASH(0x841c81c)
Your soul is bound to the First Totem, Ares:
The Dove
.

Ares appears as a pearl dove. She embodies
love, peace, balance, and devotion. She
is associated with the color pearl, the season
of transition, and the element of love. Her
downfall is idolization.

You are most compatible with Wolves and White
Stags.


Which Animal Spirit Totem Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla

godd
You are Form 1, Goddess: The Creator.

"And The Goddess planted the acorn of life.
She cried a single tear and shed a single drop
of blood upon the earth where she buried it.
From her blood and tear, the acorn grew into
the world."

hearts 16:53:00
0 spoken words


Sat and pondered by the beach. Physically fiddling with Brother's phone but was thinking why?

Called her and asked her stuff. She said I'm in denial like what you say. She said you were running like what I said to you. But you deny it too. So what does it make it? Both of us are in denial.

Go ahead and run. I just want my closure. I'm sorry for being a bitch but I need my closure.

hearts 05:10:00
0 spoken words

Friday, January 02, 2004

.13:42:11. u understand me pretty well, don't u? since u do, that's why u won't meet up with me right?
.13:42:51. even if meeting up is my only way of hearing the truth from your mouth so that i could let go, u're still convinced that i'll seek every ways and paths to change your mind isn't it?
.13:43:07. lemme say something.. and hopefully u won't get too defensive about it..
.13:43:32. if i can change your mind with mere words and actions... nothing much has changed from 2 years ago. =)


Has my words gotten too warped as my I progress in life in the dark realms of it that you no longer can comprehend it? I meant no sarcasm but you refused to believe it so. To you, I'll always be the girl that brings only misery to you and herself, isn't that so? Never will my image in your eyne be changed, will it?

You never understood why I needed you to really come out and talk, do you? You never really understood everything. You said you understood me. You understood the mere superficiality of me but never the person within. I'm sorry. That's all I've to say from within. For regrets are everywhere cos you never realised that nothing said was meant to be sarcastic. Why would I ever jeopardize my very chance of meeting up with you? Why? You were just finding excuses.

Pardon me whilst I try grasping the truth all on my own. Pardon me when I've heard conflicting tales that I no longer know who to believe.

hearts 17:14:00
0 spoken words

Thursday, January 01, 2004

Why do the tears flow?
Cos of the happiness
Or is it something else
That came back to haunt?

Voice of sweet joy
Greeted my tiny ear,
The sheer happiness
Lifted me on angel's wings.

Cold hard truth placed
Right in front of teary eyne,
Fallen angel threw me hard,
Realised you're gone.. gone.

I need you so much
That I didn't realise till now
How much I need you back
In this little wretched life.

hearts 21:06:00
0 spoken words


I can only feel pain as I understood the statement made by her.

I can only feel hurt as I hear the words of Brother Dickson.

I can only feel tears trickling down as I prayed my final prayer for 2003.

You'll never understand me, never understand how much joy you brought into my life, never understand how much I need you.

No. You'll never understand that you're the world to me. I'm willing to overcome all circumstances, all obstacles just to be with you. But you no longer see it in that light.

So let my tears flow, my heart ache, my soul wrench and my mind throbbing. I miss you and love you more than ever before.

Bless him, O Lord. Bless the man I love so deep with all Your love...

hearts 20:38:00
0 spoken words