She laid her head down onto that soft pillow. Feeling groggy and extremely exhuasted after being ill for more than a day. All she could think of was him despite him saying unkind things towards her just the night before. All she wanted to hear was him saying, "take care". All she wanted to tell him was what she truly felt.
She fought with her emotions, knowing it was getting kinda late to call him. It was 0145hrs. The clock was ticking. She had to make a decision soon. Lifting her cellphone to her eye level, she speed-dialled '2'. As the phone rang in the background, her heart was preparing for the worst - him cancelling the call - but he didn't. He picked up and said gruffly over the phone, "hello".
Taken by surprise, she immediately fumbled for the phone to be placed closer to her ear, to hear the voice she missed so much. She replied, in the calmest tone possible, "hello. can we talk?" He started to sound rather displeased with her and that triggered an alarm within her head. "Why do you sound so displeased?", she asked.
"Can you please not leave messages for me through your quit message?"
Question marks formed within her thoughts. "What make you so sure that those messages are for you?"
"If it's not, then don't join my channel. It's lame and dumb."
"Must those messages be left for YOU alone? Can't they be for other people? Everything I do is just wrong, isn't it? Nothing I do can EVER be right!"
Silence lingered in the air after that outburst. She has been trying to control her emotions, trying not to flare her temper at him but she lost it... in the end.
She mumbled quickly under her breath, "We talk another day. Let the both of us cool down first. Bye."
She hung up. For the first time in her entire life, she hung up without waiting for a reply from him. Tears were threatening to flow and she didn't want him to hear her cry. That's the least she could do. Slowly, her body began to curl up and in a foetus-like shape, she laid in complete silence. Tears were flowing uncontrollably as she began to make her final plea.
"God. I've had enough. I'm not like his father, so patient, so kind. I'm just a girl whose limit has been tested. What more does he want from me? Have I tried not hard enough? Tell me! Have I not been trying hard enough..."
Her phone beeped. "1 message received". She read the message and was torn by what she read.
So now your turn to hang up huh. U so sure i'll ever pick up your call again.
She didn't know how to reply. She just stared in complete shock at that message. She did wrong again. A major wrong. She just could never do right in his eyes...
u want to hear me cry? pls. nvm la. whatever i do is just wrong even if the action was done by you before but was justified. i don't know. i'm always wrong. no matter what i say or do. nothing i say or do is ever right in your eyes.
Throwing her phone to one corner, she covered her face with her pillow. No more lights for her. No more daybreak. All she want is silence... pure silence. All she wants is darkness to loom in the room she laid. Her heart was tearing but she needed to let it all out to someone. She speed-dialled "4".
Her brother picked up the call and she started to blabber whatever that had just happened. She couldn't control herself anymore. She had tried bottling everything up just as not to hurt him. She had tried so hard but was it not hard enough? She shouted to her brother when she finally lost it all, "maybe the only thing i'll ever do right is if i go kill myself. maybe then he'll look and point and say you finally did right."
The call ended soon after. It was 0224hrs. Less than 45 mins has passed and things has escalated way beyond her control. She didn't know what to do. Then she realised a reply from him was received.
it doesn't matter if you're wrong or not cos i do't care. can you please give me peace?
Have she not given him enough peace? Have she not tried her very best not to have any form of conflicts with him anymore? Have she not tried hard enough to use laughters as masks to her tears whilst talking to him? Have she not tried hard enough?! She had it.
i love you. i'm sorry.
That's all she could reply.
u just won't give me peace.
She was lost. She no longer knew what to do. Battling with the demons at play, she went forth towards her kitchen table and started to make a cocktail of pills. She was tired. Exhausted. She's sick but all she got was all these. She had no consolation, she only screwed things up by being alive. Maybe everything and everybody will be better and happier without her existence. Maybe she could put things right just by eliminating her presence.
i'm sick and i don't wanna argue anymore. i'm sorry for my poor attitude but the fact remains that i love you.
He no longer replied. He never apologized. He never said anything. She gave up. She looked to the table and that cocktail of pills then towards her make-shift bed in the living room. She's still trying so hard to mend things on her own. She still can't sleep on her very own bed. She bore it all within her heart. She knew that living will be worse than death, in her point of view but she knew that if she dies, other people will be devastated. He might not be part of the "other people" but she couldn't bear to even imagine her mother crying over her dead body. She placed the pills back to where they belong.
It was 0300hrs. She was tired. She laid her head once more onto that soft pillow. Her head spinning now. Headaches. She gave up the struggle. Closing her eyes, a tear drop fell onto her pillow.