walking contradiction

25 years old.
a girl of irony.
studying in university of new south wales - ba/llb.
living and let live.
truly blessed by His and his love.

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another dimension

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benje. carol. crystal. daniel ho. davina. doreen. evelyn. ingrid. iniQx. jac. jess. julian. karen. kimberly. leon. li en. mabel. melissa. nick. shirley. stefan. xiaowei. yee huat. yusuf. zhong ying.

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. feelings and thoughts .

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Saturday, September 30, 2006

24 more hours till that last conversation we had 3 months ago. sis told me she wanted to invite you for her wedding but don't know how to. she was scared that the mere mention of your name will just make me cry. it's so hard for me to tell anyone how i feel deep inside. this broken heart just doesn't seem to wana heal.

it still pains me to wake up realizing that you're no longer around. it pains me even more when i could have done so much more and maybe you would still be around. i really wish you could be here today, wiping away my tears. i really wish you could be here today, encouraging me to live on.

i really wish you are here to hug me right now, telling me the same old line, "i'm always here for you".

the day i lost you, i didn't just lose you or a buddy. i lost my world. i lost my pillar. i lost my only strength. i'm now scrambling around in the dark, hoping to grab hold of something. i lost my ability to ever love again.

hearts 03:42:00
0 spoken words

i was asked today whether i'm ready to move on. i replied instantaneously that i'm not ready but i stumbled and i retract my statement.

i seriously have no idea. one part of me feels that i don't deserve happiness cos of what just happened and all. another part of me feels that i need the happiness cos i'm human afterall. then there's the other part of me that feels i have too many issues and baggages for anyone to share with me. i've been so used to being alone that i feel bad for burdening others. then there's another part of me that yearns for someone to share it with me.

moving on... i really don't know.

hearts 02:24:00
0 spoken words

Thursday, September 28, 2006

i really miss talking to buddy. telling him how things have been for me. hearing all that has happened to him back in singapore. exchanging advice. then the whole soothing phrase, "i'm here for you, alright?"

we may have been in 2 different continents but we always seem to know what each of us are on to. the secrets we shared. the endless talks about our troubled love life. we used to talk about everything and anything under the sun. it's really weird to have a connection with someone in that manner.

i'm left with a one-way conversation with him. i still recall about the same time last year, at george street, he was there by my side. i still remember him telling davina to take care of me. hah. silly buddy. he was always worried about me and worried that one day my past will capture me and make me a prisoner. i remember how he used to tell me that he wished he could just abduct me and lock me in his room to keep me out of trouble.

he always felt that i should learn to protect myself from men and would always call them names, especially those who spells trouble for me. hah. buddy was always looking out for me. now that i'm here and dealing with all the on-going issues with m, g and others, i really wish that he's here - talking to me, telling me how he wish he could just abduct me.

hearts 21:56:00
0 spoken words

since the whirlwind entourage of herng jun came through on saturday morning, alcohol has been my preferred beverage.

sorry for not being around lately guys. hope everyone is still doing fine. :)

hearts 12:52:00
0 spoken words

Thursday, September 21, 2006

on my way to school, i started wondering to myself about the future. it was as if a movie clip of my future was playing out in front of me. i hear myself saying to the people attending my church wedding, that buddy would have been so proud of the choice i made. i could see myself crying as i looked up in heaven and telling buddy, i finally did it all right.

i nearly broke down in school as i walked up that long flight of stairs. i could hear him saying, i'm watching over you. don't worry. my heart felt so heavy and my breath was labored. i was in so much pain all of a sudden. there were people in their graduation gowns taking photos. an asian in kimono with her proud dad. then there was another with her group of close friends, all looking on at her with great joy.

i wish you were still here. i would have so wanted you to be here, to see me in my graduation gown. i would have so wanted you to be there, hugging me, telling me i've made it. i finally made it but now, there won't be that chance. i once said to my friends, i can lose EVERY other friend in my life but losing you was the pinnacle of it all. i could never deal. then i was dealt with this set of cards. i had to deal.

and to you m,

i know i seem to be avoiding you. you might not see a problem with that cos you couldn't care less but i do. i know you're not exactly going through the prettiest moments in life but i really can't put myself in the front line for you again. you would often so conveniently come when you felt like it then walked away whenever you felt inadequate. i wish i could hold up longer so that maybe we still have a fighting chance in the future but i can't anymore.

you never realised how much i've truly changed. you would always say things that you might or might not have meant, then expect me to return to you like a lovelorn puppy when you wanted to make it all better. i really wanted to ask you who am i to you, exactly? am i just this puppy that you could dump at any point in time? am i just another doormat for you to step all over?

i showed you how differently you treat me and you appeared surprise. i am not. i'm really sorry if i seem to be avoiding you but i really need to run away for myself to recover emotionally. i'm sorry.

forever loving you,
the girl whom you first called lala.

hearts 23:42:00
0 spoken words

my heart is cold as the winter wind blows
as cynicism paints the sky a dreary gray.
i called out your name, i called out in tears,
you couldn't hear, no, you couldn't answer.

i looked all around me for a familiar face
that once brought joy and laughters as gifts.
your stiff body was all i saw through my tears,
shaking my head frantically, shouting "no! no!"

my heart froze even as the scorching sun shines
as i see the cold hard truth glaring back at me.
i wanted to run away, i wanted to hide from it all,
as long as my eyes didn't see, no, you will still be alive.

i tried frantically to hear for your distinctive voice
that would always call me "buddy" in such loving tones.
all i could hear were frantic sobbing escaping through,
burying my head in my hands as i screamed in silence.

hearts 02:51:00
0 spoken words

Tuesday, September 19, 2006

The Dante's Inferno Test has sent you to Purgatory!
Here is how you matched up against all the levels:
Purgatory (Repenting Believers)High
Level 1 - Limbo (Virtuous Non-Believers)Moderate
Level 2 (Lustful)High
Level 3 (Gluttonous)Low
Level 4 (Prodigal and Avaricious)Very Low
Level 5 (Wrathful and Gloomy)Moderate
Level 6 - The City of Dis (Heretics)Very Low
Level 7 (Violent)High
Level 8- the Malebolge (Fraudulent, Malicious, Panderers)Moderate
Level 9 - Cocytus (Treacherous)Low

Take the Dante's Divine Comedy Inferno Test

hearts 17:44:00
0 spoken words

Sunday, September 17, 2006

i dreamt of buddy last night.

we were sitting and a table seperated us. i reached over and asked to hold his hands. they were warm and they felt really real. he asked me how am i and i said i'm doing fine, just missing him. he told me i'm gonna be alright, that he has been noticing what i've been doing. he looked so tired. i asked him how is he. he said he's alright. i ask him, why do you look so tired? have you not been resting well? he said he's ok. he just can't sleep in his house yet. i asked why? i said i thought we already burnt you a house and a car. he said ya, but he can't use them yet. i asked why? he said he's not allowed to for another century. then i asked him, do you know we're planning to make a gallardo or s2000 for you? he said ya, but he can't use them yet. he told me to ask his father about the cars, saying his father will know what to do.

that was it. my heart broke when he told me he's not allowed into his house for another hundred years. mum told me it's his punishment for what he did. it's just unfair. how can he not have his house? it's not fair. it's his! my buddy needs a good rest...

i'm happy you visited again, buddy. i really am. i woke up still feeling your hand in my hand. it's all so real. i miss you. loving you always.

hearts 17:25:00
0 spoken words

Tuesday, September 12, 2006

after my entire weekend of spirit possession, hauka and mami wata, i finally got a breather and indulged myself in yet another interesting concept of cultural performance - live displays (ie. humans in a zoo-like arena, zoos) - and how it still forms a very central part of our lives.

of course, this would mean it's inevitable to touch on the sensitive and outrageously difficult to define: "the seeing and the seen". it was really interesting to see how naive or, rather, inhumane a human could be when it comes to caging other animals or humans up for their own pleasure and it brings to mind the song, "colors of the wind" by vanessa williams.

You think the only people who are people
Are the people who look and think like you
But if you walk the footsteps of a stranger
You'll learn things you never knew you never knew

and it brought to mind the disney movie on pocahontas.

John Smith: Look, don't do this. Savage is just a word, uh, you know. A term for people who are uncivilized.
Pocahontas: Like me.
John Smith: Well, when I say uncivilized, what I mean is, is...
Pocahontas: What you mean is, "not like you."... And you've been so many places I guess it must be so but still I cannot see if the savage one is me how can there be so much that you don't know you don't know

the words pocahontas said are just so true. after watching the video on "the couple in a cage", i was actually wondering to myself, are we truly civilised citizens gawking at barbaric savages or are we the civilised savages being gawked by the barbaric citizens? i feel that we've blurred the lines of savages and civilians so badly that it's hardly even possible to do so. if being civilised means we have all the proper physical infrastructures, then yes, of course we're civilised. but what about other stuff? like our innate instinct to survive. the wars? the fish tanks in amsterdam? cirque du soliel? what about all of these? are we truly civilised?

i think my answer lies in my secondary 2 form teacher's infamous phrase - "you uncivilised barbarians" and now i look back and smile, nodding along as i say, "how true.. how true.."

hearts 03:02:00
0 spoken words

Thursday, September 07, 2006

had a lesson on meaning of life today. there was the machine variable (think matrix) or the reality (think zion). my tutor asked which would we pick and it was a 50 split. i chose reality. those that chose machines justified their choice with the terms, "happiness" and "ignorance is bliss". those that chose reality justified their choice with "there will be real accomplishments" and "life will be more meaningful". in the end, the biggest question was "how do you determine if your life is meaningful".

my mind was in constant battle as the debate waged on in the classroom. i would love to pick the machine variable as like those who chose it said, "ignorance is bliss". but is it truly blissful? i remembered the 19hours of ignorance i had when buddy passed away and how it all came shattering down when the ignorance is no longer present as reality hits me like a brick wall. i was blissful for that 19hours cos i believe he was still alive, i believe he was still around. i was even so ignorant to even called his mobile 10minutes prior to knowing the truth. if it was truly blissful, then why did i feel so much pain and anger on the 19hours spend in absolute ignorance?

then i questioned myself. if i hadn't known the truth, i will still be in ignorance. i can still lead life thinking that buddy's still around somewhere but he's busy with NS, his girlfriend and other friends. at least i can carry on believing that he's doing well. but will i truly be happy about it? i don't think so. the ignorance won't be blissful cos i will be in complete self-denial or extreme sadness cos my buddy doesn't contact me anymore or talk to me about his daily issues. how can life be meaningful that way?

but is life meaningful now anyway? i thought about my entire 21 years of existence on this earth. what have i really accomplished for me to say, "oh... my life is so sweet and meaningful". NOTHING! a big, fat, nothing. then as i was walking down the long stretch of road from upper campus to lower campus, i began to think of buddy's life. he used to find his life meaningless, like he hasn't done much. then i thought about the impact he had on my life. the impact he had on carol. the impact he had on jess. the impact he had on all his love ones. was it truly meaningless? if it was truly meaningless, we won't be in so much pain and grieving over this man we came to love so dearly. his life was meaningful, at least to me. he gave me the rope of hope when i was falling so badly into the pits of depression. he gave me a reason to smile when the devil just wants me to cry. he gave me love when i felt hatred. he gave me so much. even now, i'm trying to carry on what he taught and gave me. life is meaningful when an impact is made in another person's life.

life is meaningful. i would love to be ignorantly in bliss but i don't wanna be an escapist either. that 19 hours of ignorance have given me enough grief over the whole notion of "ignorance is bliss". ignorance is bliss but only if you never awake from the ignorance. cos when reality hits, ignorance is nothing more than just pure sadness.

hearts 16:41:00
0 spoken words

Wednesday, September 06, 2006

i finally plucked up the courage to go forth and meet the girl my buddy love so much that he was willing to give his life away. spend about 4 hours talking to her about herng jye, about how we met and everything else surrounding him. there were moments i saw her facial muscles twitch but she refused to let any tears flow. i saw in her a strength that i've never seen before. i saw in her the very person my buddy came to know and love so dearly.

i told her how i was angry at her and found it hard to forgive her but i thanked her for allowing me to have this chance to get to know her and learn to forgive. i really want to do things that i know herng jye would love for me to do and i know forgiving her is one of the main things he would want me to do for his sake. it's still difficult but at least now, i know who this girl - jess - really is and the journey to recovery can begin.

i don't wanna stay bitter all my life. i don't wanna continue living my life in constant hatred or anger towards someone. it's so painful. it's gonna be a very tough ride but i know i'll get through. i know i'll get through cos herng jye is with me, protecting me, giving me strength - like he always did. i'm trying to forgive her now. i know i don't have to but i want to, for buddy's sake.

i know there will be a time when i'll be caught in a dilemma. like when she moves on to a new partner, or settles with another guy for life. i know at that point in time, a dilemma will arise and i pray that at that time, i'll have enough wisdom to learn that this is what herng jye would have wanted for her, to see her happy.

when i see her smile, i thought i saw herng jye smile back at me. when i see her cry, i thought i saw a glimpse of herng jye's tears. when i hear her voice, i thought i heard herng jye trying to reach out to me. it's still very painful. still very painful. i need to learn to accept and i'm taking the first baby step. i know i'll get through it cos i know i always have you, buddy, watching out for me...

hearts 00:38:00
0 spoken words

Tuesday, September 05, 2006

i thought this year, i won't feel joy as buddy's not around to be the one. he's always the one who makes me smile even when i'm so tired. i thought this year, i would definitely not cry since everyone around me will be just there for drinks and to have fun. i thought wrong. i know there are still gifts that's on their way and i will add them in once i receive them but still, thank you everyone for your beautiful gifts and your beautiful loving. i could ask for nothing more.

and to you buddy, i wanna say thank you. i wanna say thank you for remembering my birthday. i wanna say thank you for that beautiful cake. i wanna say thank you for all the joy you brought into my life. i wanna say thank you for always being there to wipe away my tears. i wanna say thank you for everything that you've done for me. most importantly, i wanna say thank you for loving me, just the way i am. i love you.

flowers from jess, bathroom slippers from me, matrix box set from laurence and davina, watch from gary, shiraz from james, card from those who love me and bernard, chocolates from tina, japanese dinner from audrey, lotsa loving from everyone around me, OPI nail polishes from karen and peifang, ecrinal manicure set from yunting, samuel and yang ming, stella perfume from mabel and sean and most importantly, the beautiful birthday cake from buddy... :)

hearts 00:48:00
0 spoken words

Monday, September 04, 2006

i thought you were gonna miss my 21st and i was wrong. my heart broke when i saw the cake but really, the tears were of joy and pain. thank you...

the cake that broke all my defences. buddy, thanks for the cake. thanks for remembering.. i miss you.

and to jess, it's still difficult for me to forgive you but thank you so much for everything. it really meant alot to me. thank you.

hearts 00:26:00
0 spoken words

Sunday, September 03, 2006

went to opera bar today to recognise my 21st.
i specifically told everyone not to buy any cakes or anything as this is not a celebration. no, it's not, cos the cakes were usually bought by buddy.
then before i went out, i received a call from buddy's girl and my heart stopped.

i called her back and was wondering what was up.
she said she had something for me and that it's at her place.
i arranged to meet her later in the evening then, near opera bar where i was to meet my other friends.
in my heart, i was wondering what could it be that she want to pass to me.

when i met her and i saw her friend pass her a cake, my defences broke.
then i saw her brought out the flowers and i was nearly in tears.
then she told me that the flowers were from her and the cake was from buddy.
that was it. i broke down literally. i started sobbing.

i asked her how she knew but she didn't say.
she just said someone told her.
deep in my heart, i wondered if buddy was the one who told her
but all i could say was, thank you.

thank you to you, jess and thank you buddy.

you remembered.

hearts 02:47:00
0 spoken words

Saturday, September 02, 2006


it's 2 months since everything came to a halt and darkness overwhelmed this world of mine. it's also 2 months since that dread phone call i got from your sister. i remembered how i began running around frantically looking for a cab at tampines. i was crying and i was shaking my head vigorously. i kept telling myself, "this is all just a hoax. this can't be true." i called your house and your dad uttered the most painful sentence that affirmed everything. i begged to speak to your sister but she wasn't free and carol came on the phone instead, and i knew that was it. that really was it.

i was like a lunatic. i kept waving my hands up and down, in hope that some cab will just randomly stop at my feet. the tears just kept flowing. my fingers frantically dialled a number and got a friend to accompany me. still, my heart couldn't believe the news. still, i believe it was a hoax.

then i got off at your place and i saw the white tent. i nearly fell to my knees. i didn't know what to do. i walked towards your place with a dreadful feeling. i told myself, i can run now and i can continue believing that you're not gone. but my legs won't listen and i walked in. there you were, i saw your picture there on the table.

i couldn't believe it. still i couldn't believe it. your sister asked me if i wanted to go see you. i said no. i don't want to. she said i should, if not, i will lose out a day of seeing you. i told her no. i wanna see you here, standing in front of me, not in that manner. but the truth was, if i didn't see you, at least i could still carry on lying to myself that it isn't you in there.

my heart still breaks and i still feel that dreaded feeling within me every single day. my mind still play those images. it's so painful... so painful...

i miss you buddy. i'm really sorry for failing in my duties. i really am. if i can do this all over again, i will stay by your side all the way. i love you. please remember that. i love you.

hearts 00:47:00
0 spoken words

Friday, September 01, 2006

i'm really quite tired.
my depression is taking over me again.
i can just feel it working through every single muscle, nerve and bone.

haven't felt so tired for quite a while.
i saw a poster for students who wishes to volunteer overseas.
feel like signing up for them.

the escape that it could bring.
i just wanna run away to some remote area where no one knows me.
really feel like wanting to be alone to think everything through.

please don't let the devil have a hold on me.

hearts 02:01:00
0 spoken words