walking contradiction

25 years old.
a girl of irony.
studying in university of new south wales - ba/llb.
living and let live.
truly blessed by His and his love.

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time constrained


another dimension



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. feelings and thoughts .

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many bows
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Saturday, March 20, 2010

change. change. change.
changes are like the only constant things in this world, isn't it? you change, i change, we change, things change, earth change, relationships change, looks change, every single freaking thing changes, doesn't it? but we still try our best to fight against these changes, i wonder why? why is it that the more we resist change, the more drastic the changes always seem to become?

i know for a fact that i've changed over the years. some may say that i've become bitchier. some may say that i've my walls all up. some may say that i've become too offensive. some may say that i've become more defensive. but i would like to think i've grown up enough to fill the shoes of a quarter-centurian. i may not be the most matured 25-er out there but i would like to think i'm mature enough not to get involved in trivial matters. then of course, unfortunately, i'll be proven wrong time, and time again. trivia matters like "he/she hasn't called me since i was back so why should i?" will get me pouting for an entire day. something more serious? maybe the night as well. but usually, within a couple of days, i'm back, maybe with a little scar, but moving on.

that's when the lesson - in realising that we can't have control over everything and we'll never be anybody's priority but our own - was learnt. i can't control what they treat me as; i can control how i treat them. i can't control what events i'm invited to; i can control how i behave at the events i'm invited to. i can't control other peeps' emotions; i can control my own emotions whilst handling theirs. i can't control whether i'm in their priorities; i can control whether i'm my own priority and who's in my priorities.

we can't control changes; we can control how the changes affect us.

loving myself, my man, my laydees, my lovely friends and my family.

hearts 00:58:00
0 spoken words

Sunday, March 14, 2010

sex and the city always brings me down to path of nostalgia. whenever i see carrie, charlotte, miranda and samatha gather on screen to talk about love, romance and sex, i'll start thinking about me, a few years ago. at that point, i was still held in limbo with M and constantly wondered if he was my mr big, who will eventually bring me home. then shit happened and i realised that i don't want a mr big. i wanted someone like steve or smith. someone who will love me for me and just accept the craps that i do.

few years down the road, i believe i found my steve, harry, smith and mr big combined. there is no big drama like how it was in the show. it wasn't like how miranda left steve and found her way home to him. it wasn't like how mr big leaving carrie numerous time before realising she's the one. it wasn't like harry getting cold feet and charlotte going all out to prove to him she's the one. it wasn't like smith who love samantha despite her shortcomings at the beginning. no. it wasn't like that. it was much simpler yet complex in our own little ways.

i might be one of the few lucky ones. still, i believe there's that special someone out there for everyone. for every carries out there, there will be a big for each and every one of them. for every charlotte, a harry. for every samantha, a smith and for every miranda, a steve. and i pray that for my dearest laydees, they will find the right guy for them. they may not be a steve, a smith, a big or a harry but they will be theirs; like how my man is mine.

hearts 02:23:00
2 spoken words

Tuesday, March 09, 2010

i was bored during my 5 hours break between classes when i decided to do a random search online for gossips. any kinda gossips to satisfy my restlessness. i was reading through numerous gossips when i chanced upon "singapore's edison chen". i remembered briefly that my sydney singaporean friends had mentioned to me about this guy but i've never actually done any search on him before and since i was so darn bored, i decided to do a search on his supposed pseudonym - gary ng.

to my surprise, i found an interview of him with RazorTV and, despite his supposed many conquests, he was not the most charming person ever. first, his english was, for the most part, incomprehensible. second, his reasons for doing what he is now infamous for was nothing less than pure idiocy. most importantly, he claims to respect and do not wish to tarnish the future of these females that he had filmed having sexual relations with him and uploaded them onto the world wide web. how that last point even makes sense eludes me. how is it possible that you wish to not tarnish these individuals' future and am still able to put these revolting videos online? i don't get it. talking about respect. what he did was purely disrespectful and, in my opinion, outraged their very modesty.

for some reason, this became dinner conversation with my 2 friends from HK, who (i don't know whether it's a good thing or a bad thing) happened to know that this gary ng guy actually exists. being law students, there was a brief moment when we were discussing the possible actions that could be taken against this guy and why criminal actions were not filed against him. to us, it was a simple case of outrage of modesty and, to me, an added indirect sexual assault on these ladies. one of them said that maybe the ladies are afraid of coming forward to press charges against him; fear of shame, etc. and probably that's why guys like that will always get away with it. edison chen did; and i guess, so will this guy.

hearts 02:19:00
0 spoken words

Friday, March 05, 2010

i've been on the edge since this morning.
woke up at 9 (yup, late for school again) and began panicking about how my brother did for his A levels. messages were sent to him and i received no replies. never mind. i bombarded my mum. my mum then revealed that the results will only be out at 1430hrs Singapore time. so i waited. and waited. and waited. and waited. as patiently as i could.

1430 SG time struck and i began refreshing channelnewsasia.com repeatedly, even though they had like those auto-refresh code written into their javascript, for any news relating to A level results. NONE! i waited and waited. my mum said she will lemme know. 1500 SG time. STILL NO NEWS. mabes reminded me that there are speeches to be given and what-not nonsense shit. so i waited again. for another 30 minutes. i swear my heart was thumping like a maniac as i wait.

1530 SG time. i couldn't take it anymore! i called my mum - line was busy. omg. i nearly died when the line was cut. where am i gonna get my news from?! so i decided to just call my brother (i know right, that should have been the first phonecall). and i did. it rang like thrice before i heard his voice. i demanded to know how he did and he was like 'i just got it'. my reply was simple, "so? tell me how you did!" and he revealed his results to me, like finally! the many hours of wait and his many months of wait as well, finally came to an end.

now en route to university, my dear brother!

:D

hearts 18:43:00
0 spoken words

Thursday, March 04, 2010

to be honest, at this very moment, i'm flattered.
flattered that after such a long time, there are peeps still reading my poems and being touched by them.

i thank you all for reading them. :)

hearts 02:08:00
0 spoken words

Tuesday, March 02, 2010

i'm recently tempted to start a new blog.
but i can't bear to let this go. almost 7 years of my life has been chronicled on this blog, though in recent years, my description of my life has been to the minimal.

i know i will miss this blog if i do change it.
and i will miss it terribly.

it is, after all, the place where you first read my heart.

hearts 18:06:00
2 spoken words

Monday, March 01, 2010

and so, i'm back down under once again.
thought i could get away from tearing since i've really spent maximum time with you this time round. how wrong could i be?

the moment i heard your voice over the phone after i touched down, i just lost it.

missing you so badly right now.

hearts 00:40:00
0 spoken words