walking contradiction

25 years old.
a girl of irony.
studying in university of new south wales - ba/llb.
living and let live.
truly blessed by His and his love.

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. feelings and thoughts .

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many bows
pictures: one
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Thursday, March 31, 2005

62 days left.

Will I be left alone or will you be by my side on 1st of June?

Dying to find out yet not very much wanting the day to come.

hearts 02:21:00
0 spoken words

Wednesday, March 30, 2005

If your relationship has become nothing but stale water, throw it away. The mosquitoes bred will kill the people around it.

hearts 16:38:00
0 spoken words

Tuesday, March 29, 2005

I was being unreasonable but you ignored it and just came down.
Despite the fact that you have to leave for work extremely early today, you stayed over just to coax me.

Though I still suspect that the lovey-dovey message you send me earlier was meant for her, I'm just grateful that you took the effort. However, I feel my heart closing in once again and I just wanna run away... far far away.

hearts 15:10:00
0 spoken words

Monday, March 28, 2005

. Dinner at Merchant Court .

Splendid and wonderful. Tainted by the only fact that I'm taken and I'm unwilling to cross the boundary. Sweet actions of thee deserved some rewards but I'm unable to fulfill.

. Wine at BarCelona .

Careful selection of wine to ensure that I'll enjoy them. Small tidbits of knowledge like the meaning of the symbolic gesture of Cheers and about the perfect concoction thought to be wine but really, just pure poison. He came and though you were not please but you remembered me saying that I wish both of you will be friends and both of you did your best.

. Chill at Eski Bar .

Chilling at the bar, your eyes were perpetually glued to the television. Tried engaging both of you in small talks and hopefully, someday, both of you will be friends...

hearts 14:10:00
0 spoken words

Saturday, March 26, 2005


Guess who I met at Boat Quay yesterday?? Peeps from Nail Basics. :) Posted by Hello

I'm looking very dull but Joanne is like so awake. Posted by Hello

Birthday girl and me! Posted by Hello

Joanne, Vivian and me at Chill Room. Posted by Hello

Gary and Vivian singing some chinese song. Posted by Hello

-----*-----

Happy Birthday once again to you Vivian!! :)

hearts 16:22:00
0 spoken words


You made me happy.
Real happy yesterday.

You came down despite everything.
You came down... after all.
You didn't lie to me.

hearts 16:13:00
0 spoken words

Friday, March 25, 2005

Your trust in me must have gone from 50% to 10%.

You said the above to me then I replied, "No. It's 0%."
You gave a shock expression.

I only corrected one of the 2 wrong figures in front of you.
I forgot to mention that there was never trust to begin with.

hearts 18:47:00
0 spoken words

Wednesday, March 23, 2005

What a girl wants...

  1. Is to be able to have the guy she loves fully to herself.
  2. Is to be able to be in the guy's life completely.
  3. Is to be able to meet the people that matters most in his life.

And the greatest honor of all,
To be recognised by his family and friends.


*knock knock*
Good afternoon Sir.
I'm looking for true love.
Know if I can buy any here or could you point me in the right direction?

hearts 16:06:00
0 spoken words

Tuesday, March 22, 2005

I found him.
Only problem now, does he want to be found?

hearts 17:31:00
0 spoken words


Lies.
That's what they all are.
You kept asking me to believe you yet when I pursued the truth, I'm faced with lies and more lies.
They said to me once that lies are bottomless pits.
Once you start on them, you can't stop. You have to keep feeding it endlessly.

You said you wanted to create a future for the both of us.
It's impossible.

You said you'll leave her to ask me the question.
It's impossible.

You said you'll get your family and friends to accept me.
It's never gonna happen.

Stop your lies.
It's nourishing my ever-growing hate.

hearts 15:36:00
0 spoken words


I'm really tired of giving in. You keep accusing me of every single thing but when I even raised an eyebrow, I'm in the wrong ALL OVER AGAIN.

I really feel hurt by everything.
But I'm not to speak of my feelings right?
Right. It's shut.

I'm void. Void of feelings now.
It's dead.

hearts 00:39:00
0 spoken words

Saturday, March 19, 2005



Black and white version of Jane Anna and I at Rouge. Posted by Hello



I'm having my make-up done by the staff of Red Earth! Posted by Hello



After the makeover, the three of us decided to take another picture. Notice any difference? Posted by Hello


Edward and I at Rouge. Posted by Hello


At Eski Bar with Anna chilling... literally. Posted by Hello


Gary and I at Eski Bar. Posted by Hello

hearts 00:17:00
0 spoken words

Monday, March 14, 2005

I don't know why but I just keep doing things on purpose knowing that it'll hurt you.
Yet I can't get her out.

I'm really giving myself, giving us, giving you one last chance but if I can't even cross this hurdle on my own, then how can I cross the hurdle for us or with you?

My whole mind is filled with leaving, leaving, leaving and more leaving.
I wish I was more optimistic.
I wish I was more forceful.
I wish I was much stronger.
I wish I knew how to fight for the one I love.

But my wishes never come true.

hearts 02:26:00
0 spoken words

Thursday, March 10, 2005

Mum silently consented me to go for a holiday at Club Med, Cherating Beach. Take a look at their website - http://www.clubmed.com.sg/Villages_Cherating.asp

Have been doing my enquiries about Azusa Pacific University, University of New South Wales, University of Sydney, Univerisity of Melbourne and Edith Cowan University. Downloaded their application forms and am almost ready to send it off once I received documentation from the various schools. Told him about what I was doing and he sounded rather unhappy. He kept saying, "Stay in Singapore." Then I told him, "Don't make me say the inevitable" and he kept quiet.

In a way, this 2 days spent without him by my side kinda made clear to me what I'm trying to do with this relationship. I'm like making the last ditch effort to salvage and hopefully, get him to realise that without making a decision, we'll both continue to suffer. If by the end of all these efforts, he still decides to have the best of both worlds, I guess that's pretty much it for us. I'm in a race now and my opponent is definitely no small player. I'll probably lose... badly but still, I need to complete the race.

Everybody's all hyped up about graduation. They all speak of what they wanna do after graduation whilst I just sat there and smile wistfully. My graduation is not for another 6 more months and it's my own doing. I feel really empty at times. I'm not able to reach out to anyone for fear of them saying that I'm full of myself or I wallow in self-pity. I bottle everything up that almost every night, I feel as if I'm gonna suffer an asthma attack.

I've been trying so hard to keep up with that smile, that general politeness yet slight aloof. Just trying to be the "me" everyone loves to see. Guess what, my depression has never left but I've weaned myself the medication. Though, now I'm on Valium, I still find myself wondering alot of "What ifs".

My grandpa is dying of stomach cancer but how many people knows? Doesn't really matter. 10 years ago, my grandma passed away and my grandpa and I became very different people. Now, 10 years later, my grandpa is on his way to meet him. So Lord, pardon me for asking, but can I join them 10 years later and be like what it was like during my early childhood years?

There were more things that I wanna speak about but somehow, my mind is in a state of blank.

Wise men says, only fools rush in but I can't help falling in love with you...

hearts 03:24:00
0 spoken words

Wednesday, March 09, 2005

Guess at the end of the day, I was never really the one for you.

hearts 22:26:00
0 spoken words


Cocktail
Cocktail


?? Which Alcoholic Drink Are You ??
brought to you by Quizilla

British
Britain


?? Which Country Are You From ??
brought to you by Quizilla

Magic_Angel
Magic


?? Which Angel Or Demon Are You ??
brought to you by Quizilla

hearts 02:28:00
0 spoken words


Where is this "love"? I can't see it, I can't touch it. I can't feel it. I can
hear it. I can hear some words, but I can't do anything with your easy words.

-- Alice from Closer

hearts 01:42:00
0 spoken words

Tuesday, March 08, 2005

Waterfall has burnt my throat but I'm loving it.

hearts 02:14:00
0 spoken words

Sunday, March 06, 2005

It has been quite a while since I went clubbing. It was a liberating experience. I enjoyed the music, enjoyed the company and everything!

It was a hilarious night tainted only by my thoughts of you. Wonder how you're doing now.

hearts 03:52:00
0 spoken words

Saturday, March 05, 2005

Valium (diazepam) is habit forming. You can become physically and psychologically dependent on the medication. Do not take more than the prescribed amount of medication or take it for longer than is directed by your doctor. Withdrawal effects may occur if Valium (diazepam) is stopped suddenly after several weeks of continuous use. Your doctor may recommend a gradual reduction in dose.

Valium (diazepam) is in a class of drugs called benzodiazepines. Valium (diazepam) affects chemicals in the brain that may become unbalanced and cause anxiety, seizures, and muscle spasms.
Valium (diazepam) is used to relieve anxiety, nervousness, and tension associated with anxiety disorders. It is also used to treat certain types of seizure disorders and muscle spasms.
Valium (diazepam) may also be used for purposes other than those listed in this medication guide.

Before taking this medication, tell your doctor if you
  • have kidney disease;
  • have liver disease;
  • have asthma, bronchitis, emphysema, or another respiratory disease;
  • are depressed or have suicidal thoughts.
You may not be able to take Valium (diazepam), or you may require a dosage adjustment or special monitoring during treatment if you have any of the conditions listed above.

hearts 13:43:00
0 spoken words


Calling me only when you needed assistance.
Yet, when I wanted to hear your voice,
You shunned me.

I was hurt, badly hurt.

Thank God for Valium.

hearts 13:34:00
0 spoken words


You are Blue Koala, who is extremely honest person, and will say things that come up in your mind straightly.
You are also active and very cheerful.
You also possess feminine attraction and have distinguished atmosphere.
You are very popular, and tend to be with lots of people.
You value your friends too.
But unlike your outlook, you don't like to loose and are a strong-minded person.
You possess strong will-power, and are independent enough to carry things out without getting the help of the others.
You have great creativity sense and are much talented in this.
You act simply, but you possess complicated inner emotions.
You may be thought little bit eccentric.
You like to lead varied life, and try to change the atmosphere yourself too.
You can make quick decisions, and possess courage.
You are well liked by both men and women.
You have great sense of instinct and can get right at the point of things.
You can affect people as well.
You are very strict on money.
You will not go buying things on impulse.
Someone you love and your love life is what is most important to you in your life.
You possess great natural skill to manipulate men.
You should not rush into marriage after a passionate love.

hearts 00:44:00
0 spoken words

Friday, March 04, 2005

好心分手 - 王力宏/盧巧音

女︰是否很驚訝 講不出說話
沒錯我是說 你想分手嗎
曾給你馴服到 就像綿羊
何解會反咬你一下 你知嗎

男︰也許該反省 不應再說話
被放棄的我 應有此報嗎
如果我曾是個壞牧羊人
能否再讓我 試一下 抱一下

女︰回頭望 伴你走 從來未曾幸福過
男︰恨太多 沒結果 往事重提是折磨
女︰下半生 陪住你 懷疑快樂也不多
男︰被我傷 讓你痛

*女︰好心一早放開我 重頭努力也坎坷
統統不要好過
男︰為何唱著這首歌 為怨恨而分手
問你是否原諒我
女︰若注定有一點苦楚 不如自己親手割破

男︰回頭吧 不要走 不要這樣離開我
恨太多 沒結果 往事重提是折磨
女︰下半生 陪住你 懷疑快樂也不多
沒有心 別再拖

女︰好心一早放開我 重頭努力也坎坷
統統不要好過
男︰為何唱著這首歌 為怨恨而分手
問你是否原諒我
女︰若勉強也分到不多 不如什麼也摔破

男︰好心分手 每天播
女︰可知歌者也奈何
女︰難行就無謂再拖

重唱 *

hearts 23:22:00
0 spoken words

Thursday, March 03, 2005

Closer.

On the contrary, it seems to have pulled us apart.

hearts 04:04:00
0 spoken words

Wednesday, March 02, 2005

10 years ago

She passed away and I lost the ability to feel the sense of belonging.

Now

Will it be closure now that he might be joining you soon? Will you be happier?
Can't take another re-enactment of that particular morning 10 years ago.

I miss you, grandma.

hearts 00:12:00
0 spoken words

Tuesday, March 01, 2005

Love never dies a natural death. It dies because we don't know how to replenish its source. It dies of blindness and errors and betrayals. It dies of illness and wounds; it dies of weariness, of withering, of tarnishing.
-- Anais Nin

hearts 23:57:00
0 spoken words


Taken this off someone's blog.

----------

London: Want longer life for wife? Let her argue with you

A woman who keeps quiet during an arguement with her husband is four times more likely to die from heart disease and other causes, according to a study published in the American Heart Association (AHA) journal.

Researchers believe women who argue with their hsuband are warding off heart disease and other causes of death.

And women whose work had a disruptive effect on their home lives were twice as likely to develop heart disease.

----------

Now I understand why I'm gonna die young. Wee~!

hearts 17:40:00
0 spoken words


Thanks for the reassurance.

hearts 14:58:00
0 spoken words