walking contradiction

25 years old.
a girl of irony.
studying in university of new south wales - ba/llb.
living and let live.
truly blessed by His and his love.

Created by Wedding Favors

time constrained


another dimension



partners in crime
benje. carol. crystal. daniel ho. davina. doreen. evelyn. ingrid. iniQx. jac. jess. julian. karen. kimberly. leon. li en. mabel. melissa. nick. shirley. stefan. xiaowei. yee huat. yusuf. zhong ying.


communication channels
christian forum. keeptouch forum. heartlight. save our tree e-magazine. yesterday .sg. good morning yesterday. riverlife. 陳志明.
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. feelings and thoughts .

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many bows
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brushes: one two
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designer: sweet_surrender
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Tuesday, August 31, 2004

Why didn't you tell me?

Why did you hide it from me?

-sigh-

As long as you're fine...

I just want you to be safe and happy.

hearts 21:54:00
0 spoken words


At the strike of midnight,
Your image flashed.
I saw the beautiful gifts
Given by friends all lined up.

Your face surfaced again
And I saw your past gifts
Sitting silently on my bed.
Since you left, they've been in silence.

Long-forgotten tears flowed.
Past memories resurfaced.
Love for you surged within.
I wish you knew but I'm tied.

I made two wishes for you
On my two birthday cakes.
First was for you to be happy.
Second to find true love.

Don't take too long
For my tears can't hold up.
Let me smile the most radiant
On your special day with your perfect girl.

hearts 02:50:00
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I wish my hands weren't tied so that I could tell you how I truly feel. It hurts... It still does.

hearts 02:31:00
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Alex posted a thread in Keep In Touch regarding your most memorable gift from your ex.

This was my reply that nearly brought me back to tears.

Most memorable item? There's 3. One's the forever friends bear he bought for me before we got together. The name of it was "Sugar" and ya, he was as sweet as the bear's name.

The next gift was also from him. It was this TY beanie buddy that I was eyeing on for the longest time and he got it for my birthday.

The last most memorable gift came on the last Valentine's day that we spent together. A red bear in this transparent box which has lights in it.

To me, the red bear symbolised me and he was the lights... He never quite understood how much he truly meant to me I guess but I shan't fault him. It's my own doing that led to the eventual departure of him and the lights that has been in my life for the past 2 years..

I don't know if he'll read this but I have to say it. I miss you so much that it cuts me so deep to see you upset. Hope you're finally happy. :)

hearts 02:20:00
0 spoken words

Monday, August 30, 2004

It's been a while since I shout out birthday greetings so here it is!!

Happy belated 19th Birthday Mark Ngan Wei Ming.

Happy belated 19th Birthday Jacquine Anne Faith Chow.

Happy belated 21st Birthday Janice Wee Aijing.

Happy belated Birthday Lee Lan Yang.

Happy belated 18th Birthday Gay Yuting.

Happy 7th Birthday Esther Liauw Wenjing.

Happy 19th Birthday Kwok Zhongying.

Happy belated 22nd Birthday Leon Ang Wai Mun.

Happy belated 17th Birthday Ong Yuna.

hearts 23:43:00
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FCUK eau de toilette.

$60.30/=

It's all or nothing.

hearts 23:40:00
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Stupid Kaijun. Didn't turn up in the end. Met up with Yeong Siang and Jian Hui... finally. Yeong Siang changed quite a bit but Jian Hui still looks the same. Heh.

We had like stingray, wu xiang, satay and chicken wings. LOL. It has been so long since I'm out with this two guys. Soon, they'll be serving the nation whilst I make my way to a foreign land. Sometimes, I wonder what was it that drew the 4 of us to still be in contact? -thinks-

I'm just really grateful for their friendship. I remembered they rushed down to Bedok Mac to meet me when Mervin broke up with me, just to comfort me. I still remember what they said to me and I'm just so grateful. -sigh- So many beautiful friends.

I'm blessed. :D

hearts 02:51:00
0 spoken words

Sunday, August 29, 2004


Me with lorette. Known her since I was 6! LOL. It has been 13 years. wee~! Posted by Hello

hearts 19:43:00
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I wanna thank EVERYONE for coming yesterday. WEE~ I'm so happy to see all of you guys especially some faces whom I've not seen for AGES. LOL.

BIG BIG thanks to Anna dear, for decorating the area and looking out for "loopholes" to fill in. :D

Thanks alot everyone!!!!

hearts 12:42:00
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Saturday, August 28, 2004

Your Brain Usage Profile:

Auditory : 37%
Visual : 62%
Left : 68%
Right : 31%

No matter which side of your brain is dominant,
M i n d W a r e
can strengthen your emotional brain power by helping you understand how
you feel about yourself.

Clara, you are somewhat left-hemisphere dominant and show a preference for visual learning, although not extreme in either characteristic. You probably tend to do most things in moderation, but not always.

Your left-hemisphere dominance implies that your learning style is organized and structured, detail oriented and logical. Your visual preference, though, has you seeking stimulation and multiple data. Such an outlook can overwhelm structure and logic and create an almost continuous state of uncertainty and agitation. You may well suffer a feeling of continually trying to "catch up" with yourself.

Your tendency to be organized and logical and attend to details is reasonably well-established which should afford you success regardless of your chosen field of endeavor. You can "size up" situations and take in information rapidly. However, you must then subject that data to being classified and organized which causes you to "lose touch" with the immediacy of the problem.
Your logical and methodical nature hamper you in this regard though in the long run it may work to your advantage since you "learn from experience" and can go through the process more rapidly on subsequent occasions.

You remain predominantly functional in your orientation and practical. Abstraction and theory are secondary to application. In keeping with this, you focus on details until they manifest themselves in a unique pattern and only then work with the "larger whole."
With regards to your career choices, you have a mentality that would be good as a scientist, coach, athlete, design consultant, or an engineering technician. You can "see where you want to go" and even be able to "tell yourself," but find that you are "fighting yourself" at the darndest times.

hearts 02:06:00
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Walking straight into the lions' den.

hearts 01:25:00
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Friday, August 27, 2004

"I'm not a player."


I sure believe you. LOL.

hearts 17:15:00
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Cause and effect.

hearts 02:54:00
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Wednesday, August 25, 2004

I'm "underaged" and he's "taken".

hearts 04:19:00
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Tuesday, August 24, 2004

I guess I heard some things that are not meant for my ears.

hearts 02:00:00
0 spoken words

Monday, August 23, 2004

Gay Bear
Gay Bear


Which Dysfunctional Care Bear Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla

hearts 23:23:00
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I had another weird dream. I dreamt that I decided to quit Mass Communication and apply for JC again. I tried applying for VJC and TPJC. I remember I was at this very huge bungalow that belonged to a friend - still trying to figure if the friend was Dav. LOL. Then after that I remembered going into several toilets to change and my friend's parents was onto me, following me wherever I went.

Next thing I knew, I was in a school and I saw TPJC students playing basketball at one corner of my eyes and I was holding a piece of paper that said I was admitted to TPJC. Then I saw my mum and I told her I got in and she was like, "To Victoria's?" I replied, "No. Tampines." Then I found myself back at the bungalow's toilet again and I was calling Yunting this time round. I dialled her number several times to tell her I'm gonna be her schoolmate.

After a while, I recalled having thoughts in my dreams that I will be the oldest junior there and that I will be a misfit. I started feeling very conscious of myself in my dreams and I actually was torn between the 2 choice. After a while, I went towards my mum and told her that I decided to stay on in NP's Mass Communication and then I woke up.

I've been having loadsa such dreams. I wonder why...

hearts 23:05:00
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Guys and girls,

My birthday is coming and I really wish that you all will turn up to celebrate with me at Odeon Bar. :)

Date: 28th August 2004
Time: 2100hrs on...
Venue: Odeon Bar - 33 Kampong Bahru Road

Please come k? I really hope to celebrate my birthday with ya all. :D

NB: Please let me know if ya coming ya? I'm sure you guys will know how to locate me. :D


hearts 00:29:00
0 spoken words

Sunday, August 22, 2004

Time here,
all but means nothing, just shadows that move across the wall
They keep me company, but they don't ask of me
they don't say nothing at all.
And I need just a little more silence
And I need just a little more time
But you send your thieves to me
silently stalking me
Dragging me into your war
Would you give me no choice in this?
I know you can't resist, trying reopen a sore

Leave me be, I don't want to argue
I'd just get confused and I'd come all undone
If I agree, well, it's just to appease you
Cause I don't remember what we're fighting for

You see love-- a tight, thorny thread that you spin in a circle of gold
You have me to hold me
a token for all to see
captured to be yours alone
And I need just a little more silence,
and I just need a little more time
The courage to pull away
there will be hell to pay
the deeper you cut to the bone

Leave me be, I don't want to argue
I'd just get confused and I'd come all undone
If I agree, well, it's just to appease you
Cause I don't remember what we're fighting for

Time here,
all but means nothing,
just shadows that move across the wall
They keep me company,
but they don't ask of me
they don't say nothing at all.

Leave me be, I don't want to argue
I'd just get confused and I'd come all undone
If I agree, well, it's just to appease you
Cause I don't remember what we're fighting for

-- Sarah McLachlan's Time


hearts 15:45:00
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Saturday, August 21, 2004

I had one of the weirdest dreams in my life just now.
It was just pure weird and evil.

My fear reenacts in my dreams.

hearts 20:14:00
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Friday, August 20, 2004

The Dante's Inferno Test has sent you to Purgatory!
Here is how you matched up against all the levels:
LevelScore
Purgatory (Repenting Believers)Very High
Level 1 - Limbo (Virtuous Non-Believers)Moderate
Level 2 (Lustful)Moderate
Level 3 (Gluttonous)High
Level 4 (Prodigal and Avaricious)Very Low
Level 5 (Wrathful and Gloomy)Low
Level 6 - The City of Dis (Heretics)Very Low
Level 7 (Violent)Moderate
Level 8- the Malebolge (Fraudulent, Malicious, Panderers)Low
Level 9 - Cocytus (Treacherous)Low

Take the Dante's Inferno Hell Test

hearts 03:18:00
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Goodbye Sebestian. Have fun in camp! :p

And you.. You've been trying hard enough and I hope that you know what you're trying for.

hearts 03:03:00
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Thursday, August 19, 2004

HAPPY 19TH BIRTHDAY JABRIEL KNG WEI-LOONG!!!!!

LOL. I get a kick out of doing that.

hearts 03:48:00
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Can I just ask You to hold on to me and never let go?

hearts 02:39:00
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Wednesday, August 18, 2004


You are the drawing.


Saint Exupery's 'The Little Prince' Quiz.
brought to you by Quizilla

hearts 14:10:00
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When you're faced with 2 choices and decisions are blurred by specks of dust, which do you go for?

hearts 00:53:00
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Tuesday, August 17, 2004

I should just call you and think about the rest later.

hearts 18:44:00
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Grudges are hard to carry, but sometimes they are harder to put down. Resentment is a poison to the one who holds it, but this toxin becomes addictive. An unwillingness to forgive, often masked as an inability to forgive, is a prison that entraps the one who won't forgive.
This past week was a hard one for me. Old wounds were literally reopened and resentment fell like a cold acid rain on my heart. While I am pretty good at letting go of the offenses done to me, I have a much harder time with those done to my family members, especially my children. I have worked on my own heart the last year trying to deal with an issue or two in this regard. I know all the reasons why we need to forgive. Maybe most haunting of all are the warnings from Jesus that if we don't forgive others, God won't forgive us. (Matthew 6:14-15;18:21-35) Not even that could quite poke through the callous on myheart in this one situation.

I have asked God for help in this matter for months. In my impatience, I wanted the Father's help to be immediate, decisive, and permanent. My progress has been slow and the reawakening of the issue caught me by surprise. Yet in the middle of dealing with the bitter vitriol still coursing through my spirit, God helped me come to terms with this besetting sin -- -the spiritual toxin of my unforgiving spirit.

First, I was confronted straight on by the sermon of a dear friend. He didn't know he was preaching it for me, but the Lord did. I realized it about half of the way through the message. The timing was perfect. The message was right on target. The opportunity to hear it was right on time for me. I was convicted. I repented.

Second, I've been working through the life of the apostle Peter for a message I am going to share. Peter's stumbles, bumbles, and bravado are hard to miss. Yet the Lord doesn't just put up with him, doesn't just forgive him, but he puts him at the head of the team. Just a quick survey of the last hours of Jesus' life gives us plenty of ammo to blast Peter completely out of the water as a great follower of Jesus. He embarrasses himself when Jesus wanted to wash his feet. Then he claims that he loves the Lord more than his other friends and that he would never fail the Master. He cuts off Malchus' ear in the Garden andthen runs away in fear. He denies the Lord three times just as Jesus said. He joins the other followers of Jesus as they fearfully hide in a locked room in sadness and defeat.

How could Jesus forgive and keep on forgiving Peter? How could he trust him to lead when he let his Lord down so many times? How could the Lord trust Peter to lead when he had demonstrated so little strength and faithfulness?

Then I got to thinking about my life. The Lord has sure had to forgive me for a lot! The Lord has put me in positions of leadership, yet I have let him down many times in the past. As amazed as I am with the Lord's generosity in forgiving, reclaiming, restoring, and utilizing Peter, he has certainly had to do a lot more work on me!

Suddenly the issue of forgiveness isn't about the difficulty of me forgiving someone who has hurt me or someone I love; it is about the gracious generosity of Jesus to forgive me of so much. If the Lord has been so gracious to me, how can I claim to belong to him and to not offer that same graciousness to another! Each Sunday as we gather around the Lord's Table, I am reminded of his boundless grace and overwhelming love. How can I withhold that love from others who needed it so desperately? I cannot. I must not. I will not.

And do not bring sorrow to God's Holy Spirit by the way you
live. Remember, he is the one who has identified you as his
own, guaranteeing that you will be saved on the day of redemption.
Get rid of all bitterness, rage, anger, harsh words, and slander,
as well as all types of malicious behavior. Instead, be kind to
each other, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, just as God
through Christ has forgiven you. (Ephesians 4:30-32 NLT)

-- The Hardest Grace of All, by Phil Ware




hearts 01:27:00
0 spoken words

Monday, August 16, 2004

I seem to be speaking in riddles.

Am I not?

hearts 15:33:00
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Sunday, August 15, 2004

Convince me.
Persuade me.
Things just ain't the same
And you know it.

hearts 22:22:00
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Saturday, August 14, 2004

The voice spoke and my heart stopped.

hearts 08:21:00
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I'm just not allowed to fall in love. At least not for now.

hearts 01:06:00
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My beautiful henna. It came off already. :( Posted by Hello

hearts 01:02:00
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Do I look mean? hehehe. Posted by Hello

hearts 01:02:00
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All of a sudden, I just love this picture. I just feel so innocent. BTW, my new hairdo. :D Posted by Hello

hearts 01:01:00
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Friday, August 13, 2004

I realise.
Maybe a little too late.
But I realised.
That maybe.
Maybe I've really fallen.
But it's too late.
A little too late.
And I can't tell you that.
No, I can't.

hearts 01:55:00
0 spoken words


Superman stands alone. Superman did not become Superman, Superman was born
Superman. When Superman wakes up in the morning, he is Superman. His alter ego
is Clark Kent. His outfit with the big red S is the blanket he was wrapped in as
a baby when the Kents found him. Those are his clothes. What Kent wears, the
glasses the business suit, that's the costume. That's the costume Superman wears
to blend in with us. Clark Kent is how Superman views us. And what are the
characteristics of Clark Kent? He's weak, unsure of himself... he's a coward.
Clark Kent is Superman's critique on the whole human race, sort of like Beatrix
Kiddo and Mrs. Tommy Plumpton.


-- Bill in Kill Bill Vol. 2 when he meets The Bride in the living room after she tucks her child in.

hearts 00:23:00
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Thursday, August 12, 2004

The only way to be happy is to learn how to forgive.

hearts 21:23:00
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WOO!!

Erik is the best. Thanks so much for helping me out!! :D

hearts 14:18:00
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Wednesday, August 11, 2004

Thoughts were on my mind
Through the day and night.
Images of my past flashed
As voices echoed in the back.

Time never stops for any
And surely, it won't for me.
As the hands of the clocks
Goes ticking by, silence lulls.

Fortune teller please tell me
My past, present and future.
Reveal to me my joys and pains;
Rise and fall in my jaded life.

Let my blood be drawn
To write the most beautiful poem.
Let my tears flow through
To quench the hurt of others.

hearts 22:28:00
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I started missing you again.
It's like a vicious cycle that seems to have no end.

Tell me what to do when my heart still calls out your name.

hearts 02:38:00
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I've done the deed.
No more looking back.

I'm proud of what I've done.
Real proud.

hearts 00:59:00
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Tuesday, August 10, 2004

Decisions are hard to make when your heart has its own agenda.

hearts 12:51:00
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Monday, August 09, 2004

Happy 39th National day, Singapore. :)

hearts 22:47:00
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I ain't gonna let anyone get through such a mean lesson without some learnings of their own.

Trust me. It's gonna be a game he won't forget. :)



hearts 05:20:00
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Sunday, August 08, 2004

Let the water wash away my thoughts as I brush through every droplet in peace and serenity.

Let the dreams be forgotten as I wake in the day and staggers throught the crowd in silence.

Let the hopes be diminished as I mingle within the society in minimal protest and conscience.

Let the faith grow by leaps and bounds if only I chose to stay in the sanctuary of God.

hearts 13:10:00
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I love You more than life itself.
I love You.
Yet my love makes me ashamed to face You.
Yet my love makes me back away in guilt.
What do I do with conflicting emotions?
What do I do when leaving seems best?

Do I stay or do I go?

hearts 02:28:00
0 spoken words

Saturday, August 07, 2004

Pinky is right. It's really time for me to reflect and think through all my actions but have I ever been responsible enough to be accountable?

No. You're as responsible as a 6 year old could be.

Eversince he left, I've been jumping from one to another with not a landing spot in view. Sure, now there's another guy who tries very hard to convince me that it's not all that bad to hang out with him and another guy dropping me weird messages. I guess I really need to learn the meaning of singlehood first.

You can't last a day on your own, you dependent-freak.

Was talking to Chris over the phone and telling her about EJ. She told me that guys like EJ are just like her. They require the other party to put in the commitment first before placing the commitment. That they are too afraid of getting hurt so they tend to play alot. Sometimes, talking to Chris can be so therapeutic. We probably talked for more than an hour, with her telling me that I'm still young, that I should cherish my youth. We talked about my choice of going to LA and she says she can tell I will have no regrets leaving Singapore... at all.

A year left on this life to the expiry date, then a new life will begin.

Well, all's good. Have been sleeping alot. I'm really too beat to think. Too tired to consider. Now, my main concern is still God. Am I able to face Him like before? It's a questionable thought. I've done much to disappoint; done much to hurt. Maybe I'm really not suitable to be with Him.

Sometimes, the only way to love You is to leave...

hearts 01:16:00
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Friday, August 06, 2004

I'm tired.
I'm stressed.

And I've seen the most pathetic venues for a performance.

God bless us please. At least get me that hall and not the lecture theatre.

Above all that, guys, I'm really fine. I feel more guilty for being the unknowing 3rd party then feeling hurt. In fact, I feel more relieved. Some might understand why I'm feeling relieved but ya, I'm fine.

Now there's no dilemma about going to LA anymore.
Wee~

hearts 20:53:00
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We ended.

He has another girl and I'm not surprised at all.

Well, as fast as it has started; it has ended.

Maybe God is telling me it's really time to stop fooling around.

hearts 03:16:00
0 spoken words


I recommend getting your heart trampled on to anyone
I recommend walking around naked in your living room
Swallow it down (what a jagged little pill)
It feels so good (swimming in your stomach)
Wait until the dust settles

You live you learn
You love you learn
You cry you learn
You lose you learn
You bleed you learn
You scream you learn

I recommend biting off more than you can chew to anyone
I certainly do
I recommend sticking your foot in your mouth at anytime
Feel free
Throw it down (the caution blocks you from the wind)
Hold it up (to the rays)
You wait and see when the smoke clears

You live you learn
You love you learn
You cry you learn
You lose you learn
You bleed you learn
You scream you learn

Wear it out (like a three-year-old would do)
Melt it down (you're gonna have to eventually anyway)
The fire trucks are coming up around the bend

You live you learn
You love you learn
You cry you learn
You lose you learn
You bleed you learn
You scream you learn
You grieve you learn
You choke you learn
You laugh you learn
You choose you learn
You pray you learn
You ask you learn
You live you learn

-- Alanis Morisette's You Learn

hearts 03:04:00
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Thursday, August 05, 2004

You make me wait and wait.

I'm fucking tired of waiting. If you fucking wanna meet me, you would have fucking taken the initiative.

Leave me alone.

I see now that I hold not a place.

hearts 22:00:00
0 spoken words


$70 on cab fare.

Tell me who else can beat us on that? LOL.

Seeing him today.
Joy is upon my face.

hearts 12:15:00
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Wednesday, August 04, 2004

My deepening hastening toward your love's hope will stabilize wild eternal
psychic connections.

-- Lovequotes

hearts 02:35:00
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Lotsa thoughts are going through my mind right now and I'm missing Him.

My big Daddy.

He must really be disappointed in me now and tearing at my defiant acts. -sigh-

Can someone please tell me how not to hurt the Father I love so dearly yet hold on to a mortal love?


hearts 01:29:00
0 spoken words

Tuesday, August 03, 2004

We argued.
I bitched.
I called Chris.
She met me.

We spoke.
We laughed.
You came.
I smiled.

You asked.
I answered.
I miss you.
We kissed.

smiles.

hearts 02:50:00
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Monday, August 02, 2004

He loves you.
He died for you.

Yet, you've forsaken.

Judas.

hearts 13:53:00
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When in front of you lies nothing but that, how do you go on?

Ultimatum.

hearts 02:33:00
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Sunday, August 01, 2004

Your words echoed in my head.

I guess you never truly realised what I meant when I said that hurt is a familiar thing to me; a best friend perhaps.

To make a decision like this has not been easy. I struggled for more than a month before it dawned on me that I'm still not ready for, or rather, have yet to forgive myself for my various deeds to fully accept Him.

I love Him. This love has brought me much pain and much hurt but I've not given up. I might have sounded chirpy and all but I know too gravely what kinda mess I've gotten myself into. I don't wanna make any excuses for myself cos I know what I'm doing and I know how wrong they are.

The self-centred me battles with my conscience. The war is within my very own shell.

I feel the pain more than anyone else.

I'm an actress.
The world's my stage.
Facades are my tools
As I graced the Earth
With cocktails of emotions.

hearts 13:43:00
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Happy friendship day to ALL!

And most importantly...

Happy Birthday Seah Peifang!!!! -huggles-
Happy Birthday Nicole Lee!!!!

hearts 04:32:00
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