walking contradiction

25 years old.
a girl of irony.
studying in university of new south wales - ba/llb.
living and let live.
truly blessed by His and his love.

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time constrained

another dimension

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. feelings and thoughts .

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Sunday, October 30, 2005

i'll gladly be your charlotte if you will be my harry.
but what do i know.

hearts 14:58:00
0 spoken words

Ten Commandments in Love

1) If someone is never available or always busy, then chances are they don't really want to see you. Someone who is interested in you makes the time, treats you like you're more than just an afterthought and includes you in their plans. They never make you feel as if you are a burden or an intrusion. Your feelings, happiness and well-being are always important to them.

2) If you call and leave a message or take the time to email someone, if they are interested they return your call or take the time to respond to your email. Silence may be interpreted in many ways, but in my book silence is neglect and relationships don't thrive on neglect. Plain and simple...relationships are a work in progress and take a lot of hard work on both people's parts!

3) Intimacy is a mutual sharing and nurturing of each other's inner self. It doesn't consist of one person always being in the spotlight or having problems. Both people have legitimate wants, needs and feelings. One-sided relationships may fulfill a needy person, but the other person who is doing all the giving gets drained dry quickly. "The right one" always knows what's going on in your life. They know when you're sad or facing a difficult situation. "The right one" is there to help you through those times, just like you've been there for them during their darkest hours.

4) If you pour your heart to someone in order to reassure that person of your feelings and the heart pouring isn't lovingly reciprocated, then chances are the person has no feelings for you. Stop being a door mat and letting your feelings be spent on frivolous things like loving someone who doesn't love you. Hanging in there only makes you feel demeaned and used. Your love is worth more than that, so find someone who can and will appreciate you and cherish your love.

5) If gift giving occasions like your birthday, Christmas, Valentine's day come and go without even a simple acknowledgment, then the object of your affection isn't deserving of the time and effort you have spent on being there in the difficult times or in the good times either. Why worry about finding "the perfect gift" if the person you give that gift to could care less that they even get a gift from you? Stop wasting your time and money. Go buy yourself a gift for being smart!

6) Don't be unhappy. Don't be bitter. It's not the other person's fault they don't love or want you. Sometimes people are just meant not to be together and their silence, disappearing acts and general evasiveness is actually them doing you a big favor in the long run. Sometimes people stay in relationships with the wrong person for a lifetime...don't be a statistic! Run... don't walk away!

7) Actions speak louder than words. If someone can't or won't back up their words with action then their words and promises are empty and meaningless. Some people are great at blowing smoke and weaving captivating dreams, but when it comes right down to it, those people aren't the right ones to be with. "The right one" will make dreams come true! When "the right one" asks "where have you been all my life?", another day never goes by without you in their life.

8) Read the signs and don't overlook red flags. Trust you intuition and your heart. If you spend more time wondering about everything and feeling sad than feeling loved and being happy then the person you love isn't "the right person" for you. " The right one" will move a mountain to make you feel secure. "The right one" will move a mountain to be with you. And "the right one" will move a mountain to make sure their words and actions tell you the same thing.

9) If you feel that you're chasing a figment of your own imagination, you probably are. Things always look better in the beginning and people tend to show their true colors over time. Don't hold this against the person. Just look at it as a learning experience. "The right one" will start out the race and finish it being the same person.

10) Be brave and willing to keep searching. Shutting the door and turning off the light only is going to hurt you in the long run. Open your heart and believe that "the right one" is out there and will find you because "the right one" is out there searching too. "The right one" understands pain and loneliness because it's something they've been through also. No, "the right one" isn't going to be perfect. They will have flaws and imperfections like you, but "the right one" will place you first and love you unconditionally and not just when it's convenient or easy for them to do. "The right one" will do whatever they have to do to right a wrong, to bring a smile and to say "I love you"!

hearts 14:40:00
0 spoken words

Friday, October 28, 2005


Shot entirely in China and directed by Kim Young-jun. Set in 1343, at the end of the Yuan dynasty when the Mongols ruled, childhood sweethearts Jinha (Shin Hyun-hoon) and Sullie (Kim Hee-seon) become separated but promise to wait for each other. She is the daughter of a Mongol general and a Chinese concubine. Jinha is an orphan who discovers from his teacher that he is the son of a Korean master swordsman whom Sullie's father annihilated years ago. Sullie's father wants her to wed a Mongol noble, Namgung (Jeong Jin-yeong). When Sullie mishears that Jinha was apparently killed in a fight with Namgung, Sullie agrees to carry out her father's wishes. When Jinha recovers from his injuries, he allies himself with anti-Mongol forces and seeks vengeance for his family. When the lovers finally meet again, Sullie has a son, but desperately wants to tell Jinha the truth. (From South Korea, in Korean, with English subtitles) (2000) MA (V,A) WS

After watching this depressing sappy romance swordplay, I thought to myself, isn't it painful to love when you have to be away from the person you love? What's the point of loving is pain is all you're gonna get. The ending was exceptionally painful cos the person who will suffer will not be the star-crossed lovers but their son. sigh.

Can't live with it yet can't live without.

hearts 00:29:00
0 spoken words

Thursday, October 27, 2005

what's the point of trying when you're just gonna knock into one wall after another?

you played the game well.
you won.

hearts 00:11:00
0 spoken words

Tuesday, October 25, 2005

pride and prejudice.

never a finer display of true love.

jane austen.
kiera knightley.

females truly lit the screen.

hearts 21:14:00
0 spoken words

i was watching the girl of your dreams (la nina de tus ojos) starring Penelope Cruz and all of a sudden i felt alot of anger.

what are women for? baits? sexual tools? i reckon that's what most guys see girls as. i know that first hand. i'm so tired of all these associations. i'm so farking tired.

can't you guys ever see girls in any dignified light?
can't you guys stop the fucking hurt?

they say fool me once, you're the fool.
fool me twice, i'm the fool.

and i'm not just a fool.
i'm a complete idiot.

hearts 00:04:00
0 spoken words

Sunday, October 23, 2005

Ten Days
- Missy Higgins -

So we've put an end to it this time.
I'm no longer yours and you're no longer mine.
You said this hill looks far too steep
If I'm not even sure it's me you wanna keep.
And it's been ten days without you in my reach,
And the only time I've touched you is in my sleep.

But time has changed nothing at all -
You're still the only one that feels like home.
I've tried cutting the ropes and
I let you go but you're still the only one
That feels like home.

You won't talk me into it next time,
If I'm going away your hearts coming too.
'Cos I miss your hands I miss your face.
When I get back let's disappear without a trace.

'Cos it's been ten days without you in my reach,
And the only time I've touched you is in my sleep.

But time has changed nothing at all -
You're still the only one that feels like home.
I've tried cutting the ropes,
Tried letting go but you're still the only one
That feels like home.

So tell me, did you really think...
Oh tell me, did you really think
I had gone when you couldn't see me anymore?
When you couldn't...

'Cos baby time has changed nothing at all -
You're still the only one that feels like home.
And I've tried cutting the ropes,
I let you go but you're still the only one
That feels like home, yeah,
You're still the only one that feels like home,
You're still the only one I've gotta love.
Oh yeah...

hearts 22:30:00
0 spoken words

when push comes to shove,
you know it's time for you to leave.

hearts 14:53:00
0 spoken words

Friday, October 21, 2005

balance spring water. this bottle is for "focus" and has 6 flower essences in it.

i bought this today. lol. it's for women and it has 8 different flower essences in it. isn't the marketing brilliant? lol.

hearts 22:16:00
0 spoken words

Thursday, October 20, 2005

a classmate of mine posed a question to me whilst we were on our way to the city.

"do you see any values here to raise a family?"

i gave a very politically correct answer - that everywhere has it's pros and cons. normally, i would have elaborated on but today, i just clamped up. i fell into a sudden reflective mode and started thinking of what i've just said and my speech and actions lately.

have i became so diplomatic that i no longer have passion for anything and that i rather sit on the fence than to take sides? i recalled being once this girl who would argue over anything as long as she has an opinion on it and she would NOT back down no matter how flawed her argument could be.

have i lost that zeal to argue after everything that has happened?

eversince that fateful day 2 years ago, i find myself slumped into this all time low where i just didn't wanna argue or state any opinions anymore cos they all just don't seem to matter anymore. i tried to fight for something i believed in and i was just slammed and slammed and slammed. i tried to stand up for my passion and i was brought down and down and down.

even with you now, i can't seem bothered to argue anymore. unhappy? i rather clam up. ya, i do manage some nasty words before i finally clam up but press the issue further, i'll just rather say i'm sorry.

i've gotten so tired with inter-human relationships that... i think i've just lost it all.

hearts 23:34:00
0 spoken words

Tuesday, October 18, 2005

i feel as if a generous amount of anaesthetic has been injected into my body system.

feel so numb.
so emotion-less.
so ... me.

when will this wear out.

hearts 00:46:00
0 spoken words

Monday, October 17, 2005

sometimes, i feel that whatever i do, it's just wrong.
i can't seem to do anything right.

christmas is coming.
o yes it is.

but the joy of it seems to have been lost.

hearts 00:57:00
0 spoken words

Friday, October 14, 2005

the shower in my room is down.
i can't bathe in my own room.
that sucks.

you know how they say things that bring you down always come in flocks and joy is found within them if one learns to be content.

i'm having a really hard lesson right now.

hopefully, i'll graduate from the course of contentment soon.

hearts 10:49:00
0 spoken words

Thursday, October 13, 2005

my sis ask me to make a statement of gratitude so here it is.


lol. on another note, i'm watching morgan spurlock's latest attempt in living the life of another person for 30 days. cool.

hearts 22:09:00
0 spoken words

You Are 50% Weird

Normal enough to know that you're weird...
But too damn weird to do anything about it!
How Weird Are You?

You Are 50% Boyish and 50% Girlish

You are pretty evenly split down the middle - a total eunuch.
Okay, kidding about the eunuch part. But you do get along with both sexes.
You reject traditional gender roles. However, you don't actively fight them.
You're just you. You don't try to be what people expect you to be.
How Boyish or Girlish Are You?

How You Life Your Life

You seem to be straight forward, but you keep a lot inside.
You're laid back and chill, but sometimes you care too much about what others think.
Your friends tend to be a as quirky as you are - which is saying a lot!
Some of your past dreams have disappointed you, but you don't let it get you down.
How Do You Live Your Life?

hearts 21:58:00
0 spoken words

Monday, October 10, 2005

chicken chop anyone? ^_^

hearts 20:38:00
0 spoken words

Sunday, October 09, 2005

i wish so much that you are here by my side, hugging me as the sandman comes along to send me to lala land.

my favorite dreams always consist of you and me.
in our own little world.
with not a care.
with nothing to seperate us.
that's the limit for us.

but it's only a dream.

hearts 01:54:00
0 spoken words

Thursday, October 06, 2005

my first attempt on lamb steak. how does it look?

hearts 18:53:00
0 spoken words

Wednesday, October 05, 2005

in my father's den.

i just finished watching this movie and seriously, i didn't know what to expect. a washed-out war journalist going back to his homeland, only to be haunted by his past which he ran away from. all of this sounds extremely familiar.

this whole movie seems to strike a chord with me. with the girl, whose mother happens to be his ex-girlfriend who cheated on him with his dad, being the push and pull factor - i was lured into his little world that he locked himself in. the image of his ex-girlfriend getting a go with his dad; image of his mum blowing her brains out with a shotgun.

he cared so much for this girl, whom he suspect is his child, only to realise that she could be his dad's daughter - his sister. the whole dysfunctional relationship just examines further the kinda state of mind he had when he left the family to a world he hardly knew.

through out the entire film, i found similarities in the guy's psyche. i find myself a little like him. trying to run away from things and events. trying to run away from dysfunctional relationships. trying to run away, ironically, from myself. then you realise that the demons of the past will never just let you go. they will run after you and catch up with you unless you do something about it.

can i do something about it? i really don't know. i just know that if this keeps up, my only expense is my sanity.

hearts 23:53:00
0 spoken words

Tuesday, October 04, 2005

my study desk.

a very blur shot of my room

my pathetic little kitchen.

hearts 19:28:00
0 spoken words

somebody was telling me that time really flies. haven't spoken to this friend of mine for over a year and it was refreshing to learn about the new developments of a person's life. today's like catch-up day, probably cos i just got my internet up and running and i've been so excited to be online and stuff.

was chatting with another old friend of mine and just learnt that he will be going to unsw next february as well. isn't that like kinda cool? though i just started school, i'm like planning when to go back home.

anyway, i'm like really going nuts with my limited cooking abilities and the fact that there's only a microwave in my room. i need real food. like rojak or something. damn.

hearts 19:20:00
0 spoken words

finally got my internet up and running. anyhow, things are fine down under except that blur me forgot to bring my digicam over as well. just gotta pray that my mum will courier it over or something.

had a really weird dream last night. like i was in judgment day or something and God just went past me. He didn't evaluate my life down on Earth, like i've sinned way too much to go up with Him. felt really disturbed. sigh.

anyhow, just wanna say hi to everyone out there! i miss old chang kee. i miss wanton mee. i miss rojak. i miss alot of things, especially my dear family and friends. take care guys!

hearts 12:29:00
0 spoken words