walking contradiction

25 years old.
a girl of irony.
studying in university of new south wales - ba/llb.
living and let live.
truly blessed by His and his love.

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time constrained


another dimension



partners in crime
benje. carol. crystal. daniel ho. davina. doreen. evelyn. ingrid. iniQx. jac. jess. julian. karen. kimberly. leon. li en. mabel. melissa. nick. shirley. stefan. xiaowei. yee huat. yusuf. zhong ying.


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. feelings and thoughts .

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Tuesday, August 24, 2010

the hostage situation in Manila broke my heart.

i chanced upon some of the photos taken during the hostage and, honestly, looking at those grim faces of individuals who are about to meet their doom was not pleasant. my partner asked me if i've watched the 'live' video of the stand-off and i replied a firm no. i can't. i just can't. the thought of having to watch a video, which was 'live' at the point of filming, knowing that the end was a bloodbath was just too much for me to bear.

as i ranted to my partner about the inadequacy of the Manila police force, i was choking back my tears. i had to take several pauses to compose myself. i found myself holding back my tears when i was in the showers, wondering what i would have done in that situation. it's not an easy situation to be in; definitely the most unpleasant.

for some strange reasons, i'm extremely affected by this event, to the extent of being apologetic. i'm sorry to the tourists that your lives have been cut short by the admitted failures of the Manila police force. i'm sorry to the family of these tourists who will forever mourn the what ifs and be haunted by this incident. i'm sorry to the family of the hijacker who will nonetheless feel indirectly responsible for the hijacker's actions. i'm sorry to the hijacker who must have been extremely desperate to have to resort to suicide by cop.

who i'm not sorry for is the police force. you failed. utterly failed. and this failure, unfortunately, was paid by innocent blood.

Rest in Peace.

hearts 22:43:00
0 spoken words

Thursday, August 19, 2010

i dreamt of my grandpa last night.
i was happy till i realised i've not dreamt of you for a long time.

but grandpa, don't be upset k? i miss you too. please visit me more often. :)

hearts 02:44:00
0 spoken words

Sunday, August 15, 2010

had an extremely bad argument with my partner yesterday. when he start scolding me when he's drunk, i can still somewhat dismiss it but when he start accusing me, about similar things that he was scolding me when he's drunk, when he's sober, i can't dismiss it further.

i'm still affected by what he has said.
i mean if i'm that horrible a person, why the hell would you want to marry me?

i'm not a charity case.

hearts 18:14:00
0 spoken words

Wednesday, August 11, 2010

this blog has been a relatively depressing chronicle of my life.
as of today, i joined tumblr to chronicle the happier moments.
this blog will continue to function as the venue of my laments.
hopefully, it's the other that will prevail and persist through time.

hearts 02:19:00
0 spoken words

Tuesday, August 10, 2010

graduating in about a year's time, if nothing cocks up.
almost 5 years of university life later, what do i do?
i start looking through SIM website and wonder if i should do a part-time course whilst i work.

i think i've gone bonkers.

hearts 17:47:00
0 spoken words

Monday, August 09, 2010

R.I.P.

the only thing that separates a depressed from the deceased is listen.

hearts 22:56:00
0 spoken words


woke up crying. nose was stuffed and i could still feel my tears flowing.

strangely, in this dream, there was nothing that was really about me. i just happened to be an orphan, adopted by a family who recently lost their wife/mother. somewhere, somehow, the youngest daughter of that family made a run for her room, very much in tears. i followed suit and asked her why did she leave so abruptly. she replied,
"i danced with my mum. i recently danced with my mum. she was already dead but she came back to dance one last dance with me and i miss her so."
image taken from www.shutterstock.com

that broke my heart so bad and till now, the heartache can still be felt.

if it was only a dream, why did it feel so real?

hearts 02:29:00
0 spoken words

Sunday, August 08, 2010

i'm just 19 days away from you really, though there's one obstacle that threatens to destroy that.


hearts 03:32:00
0 spoken words

Thursday, August 05, 2010

Mosque and Islamic centre to be built near Ground Zero

upon reading this article, i felt compelled to comment on it. like the majority of the world's population, i condemned the September 11 attack. the senseless attack by these terrorist organisations for whatever righteous reasons they may have, attacked not just the community of individuals within New York at that point in time, but globally and most significantly moderate Muslims.

when i read that an islamic centre, featuring a mosque, will be build near the site, my initial reaction was WOW! it could be a great message put forth that the psychological warfare that these terrorists have waged, along with a real physical warfare, will not be won by them. that is until my eyes laid upon the words used by individuals who opposed the building. if Christian extremists were the terrorists responsible for that particular attack, would these individuals be so against the idea of building a Christian church near that ground? don't get me wrong, i'm a Christian and i'm not bashing the religion itself. What i'm driving at is the mindset of Americans. claiming to be a first world modern country, i sense a bigotry within that nation that dates back to centuries ago. or maybe it's just humans on the whole. we are always looking for someone to blame and right now, the obvious choice would be those whose religions are similar to those extremists, though i doubt that the choice would be as obvious if it was Christianity or Judaism.

let's not forget that the victims are not limited to those who died at the hands of the hijackers on September 11, 2001 but extends to cover the family and friends of the dead, personnels, be it military or non-military, in the Middle East, citizens globally and most importantly, the Muslims who don't condone these attacks.

can true religious harmony never exist?

hearts 01:50:00
0 spoken words