walking contradiction

25 years old.
a girl of irony.
studying in university of new south wales - ba/llb.
living and let live.
truly blessed by His and his love.

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Wednesday, November 28, 2007

was reading kelvyn's blog and came across comments left behind by friends of the deceased rueben kee in cambodia. this piece of news has been on for days but it's only now that it seemed to sink in on me the feelings that must be cruising through their families and friends.

one of the deceased was younger than me and was of the same age as my sister. my brother used to be a sailor and was a canoeist with his school. my man was a dragon boat racer as well and i began to wonder how i would have felt if something similar hit close to home. i didn't had to go far cos my mind soon travelled to 1st july 2006 all over again.

as i read reports after reports on how some of their parents, whilst performing taoist rites, were calling out their names to recall them back home, i recalled the day where we cried and screamed for him to avoid the fire at the crematorium. my heart began to wrench in pain and my tears threatened to flow. i had yet to see him since i got back and i'm afraid to do so. i, a close buddy of his, am suffering and am required to seek help. i really wonder and pray for the psychological health of these individuals' families and friends.

no, of course it's different. some might argue that these individuals died doing what they loved and that there was a cause - an external cause - to blame for such an incident to occur. whereas he died doing what he loathed and there was no known cause - he was his own cause - and i live in darkness every single day, trying to shake off my guilt for not speaking to him for a longer period of time and then maybe, i could have saved his life.

but it's really all the same. the loss of someone dear, so sudden, so unexpected will most definitely rock your world so hard that you can hardly breathe. the struggle for some space to breathe will be overwhelmed by others' concern over your well-being and all you can do is struggle to smile and assure that everything will be fine in due course. you allow yourself time to grieve then you convince yourself that they would not want to see you this way and try to go about your daily lives as per normal (or so it seems to the world) but you know deep inside, the void is now created and nothing can fill up that void. 

you try to let go, only to realise that you're trying hold on. you try to move on, only to realise that you've been stuck at the same spot for months, years. you try to assure yourself that you will be better over time, only to realise that the scar and the void is so profound that nothing, not even time, can erase or fill them up.

closure. peeps were telling me that at least the corpses have been found and there will be some form of closure for their families and friends. but is there, really? i've seen his corpse. i've watched it burn. i've seen his ashes. i've bought him a posthumous 21st birthday present. i know he is gone. i can no longer dial his number, chat with him over msn or receive an email from him. he will no longer join me in sydney. isn't that closure? so why am i still struggling to fight back my tears whenever i think of him? why am i in need to seek counseling to help me out of it? why?

they say i'm drowning myself in guilt.
but i say, when someone so close to you dies, there's never closure cos there will be the numerous whys and what ifs that will be floating in your mind, until you sleep eternally.

and when my turn comes, i know i'll sleep with a smile,
for i'll be reunited with him.
how about you?

hearts 22:41:00
0 spoken words


i'm back. back in singapore. luckily for me, it has been raining for most parts and the humidity only got to me after the rain. so what have i been up to so far?

1) getting drunk.
2) spending enormous amount of time with my love.
3) eating singapore's gorgeous food and growing horizontally at the same time.
4) catching up on my cartoons and discovery channels.

so anyone wanna catch up with me, you know what to do.
the number's still the same. :)

hearts 17:35:00
0 spoken words

Monday, November 19, 2007

studying for my law paper the past week has gotten me to stop thinking about you.
i was happy, jumping around in joy and in smiles.
then on my way to gym today, my stubborn-ness in refusing to let you go prompted me to think of you.

there came a point in time when i realised that nothing in this world can possibly make me cry the way i cried when i learnt of the news. i realised that that precise mix of emotions will never be felt for another being again. i realised that in some way or another, i've became an mechanized emotive being.

tears are no longer free flowing. they are now controlled by the very mechanism called memory and only a selected few can invite them to appear.
smiles are no longer free either. they are now programed to be on display whenever a friend is within the room or when the situation calls for it.
anger might be the only emotion that seem to be still free. yet at the same, they are programmed to be kept within a bottle until it's full.

have we, in a way, through technology became a robot ourselves? have i really became a cyborg?

i probably would not have felt such a deep sense of this until you walked away.
and right now, i'm scrambling for every last bit of human nature in me to react.

i'm just like a stoned zombie.

hearts 15:55:00
0 spoken words

Wednesday, November 14, 2007

today was my driving test date.
i failed.

my score was between 85%-89%.
i failed not because of my own driving.

i failed because some fucker in a silver learner car decided to speed up when i'm doing a lane change and as such, had to slow down when i finished my lane changing. yes, cos of that, i failed.

was i upset? yes.
i fucking shouted at nelson for a good hour cos i was trying to figure out what's the best way out for me now since i won't be able to take my driving test till 10th dec 2007 or when i come back in march.
mum didn't help either. her deadlines made her temperamental and she couldn't offer any good form of consolation or advice.

how do i feel now?
i still wish the fucker all the best in his/her test and hope that someone will do the same to him/her. let him/her have a taste of his/her own medicine.

so yes, i'm still on my learner's, unfortunately.
but i'll definitely get it the next time i'm tested cos like my instructor said, it wasn't my driving or my observation at fault, but a learner driver who decided that it's time to play punk.

hearts 15:55:00
0 spoken words

Monday, November 12, 2007

EVERYONE HAS THEIR FIRSTS:

1. FIRST real best friend: herng jye.
2. FIRST school: st. hilda's kindergarten.
3. FIRST cell phone colour: dark silver samsung n100.
4. FIRST funeral: my grandma's on 6th june 1995.
5. FIRST pet: i would say chicks cos my grandma used to rear chickens in our backyards. :D
6. FIRST big trip: soon soon. all in due time.
7. FIRST vacation: very good question. i think it was malacca or kuala lumpur.
8. FIRST celebrity crush: i think it was chew chor meng. lol.
9. FIRST time out: er. can't remember man.
10. FIRST job: does working for my dad count? i was not paid. :(
11. FIRST friendster friend: i can't remember!

EVERYONE HAS THEIR LASTS:

12. LAST person you kissed: i believe it was nelson back in july. that's soooo long ago.
13. LAST car ride: an hour ago! when i went for my driving lesson. heh.
14. LAST time you cried: two nights ago. i think i dreamt about him and i just teared in my sleep.
15. LAST movie you watched with your friend: perth: the geylang massacre.
16. LAST food you ate: instant noodles. i'm an overseas student. what do you think?
17. LAST thing i bought: sweet chilli sauce and yep, instant noodles.
18. LAST shirt worn: i don't wear shirts. but my last top worn was the esprit red top kok hwa got me from hongkong!
19. LAST phone call: gasi holidays. to book my flight back to sydney.
20. LAST text message: nelson
21. LAST thing you touched: my handphone.
22. LAST time at the mall: yesterday. to get my sweet chilli sauce and instant noodles.

hearts 13:35:00
0 spoken words

Sunday, November 04, 2007

how long has it been, bud? has it been more than a year?

i thought i saw you on the streets the other day and i thought i heard you call out my name. i can still hear your voice, especially in the nights when i just needed someone to comfort my tired little soul. i re-visited my past this time round and well, it didn't do well for my health. not realising it, i had placed my mind at risk and i know you would have chided me for it, if you were here.

they told me that i should seek help. that it's not getting healthy. each year that pass would just get worse for me, till i come to terms with it. they said that i have to learn to let go. they said i'll be paralysed with grief if i don't and my schoolwork is going to suffer worse than it already has.

i know i have to let go of you, bud. i know i have to but i don't want to. i don't wanna realise and accept that you're gone. i mean, how could you be if i still hear your voice and see your face wherever i go? i wonder why is it taking longer for me to heal? is there something wrong with me that was not realised till you walked away?

i miss you so much and my heart has never fully healed.

i love you.

please teach me how to let go of you.
or teach me how to live with you and your memories.

loving you always,
your bud.

hearts 04:13:00
0 spoken words

Saturday, November 03, 2007

1. Who eats more?
him. i will order tons of food and nibble at them. he finishes them off! :D

2. Who said “I love you” first?
probably him.

3. Who is the morning person?
he is. he thinks sleeping is a waste of time, i think it's a luxury.

4. Who sings better?
duh. i don't have to answer this, do i? of course it's him! he fucking got into the wildcard round of singapore idol. me, i think i'll be humiliated in the auditions.

5. Who’s older?
he is. just look at his face. someone thought he's 40! lol.

6. Who’s smarter?
he's more street-smart, i'm more academic i guess. but i honestly think he's fucking intelligent, if only he allows himself to see it.

7. Whose temper is worse?
mine. i have a temper like the volcano. you never know when i'll erupt.

8. Who does the laundry?
the washing machine.

9. Who does the dishes?
leave that to me. i can't stand dirty dishes.

10. Who sleeps on the right side of the bed?
i think i do.

11. Whose feet are bigger?
duh. his. if his feet is smaller than mine, there's a problem!

12. Whose hair is longer?
he's in the force. of course mine is longer!

13. Who’s better with the computer?
he, who has a diploma in IT, asks me for help! :D but i think he's better with the computer in terms of the technical side of things.

14. Do you have pets?
live or dead?

15. Who pays the bills?
we'll know in 4 years time.

16. Who cooks dinner?
if i'm cleaning the dishes, he can cook.

17. Who drives when you are together?
obviously him. he has been driving for years and me? i'm still a learner.

18. Who pays when you go out to dinner?
it tends to be him but we try to go dutch.

19. Who is more stubborn?
both of us are but i'm more obstinate. he has to give in to his spoilt brat.

20. Who is the first one to admit when they’re wrong?
depends on the context really. if i'm wrong and i realise it, i'll say it first.

21. Whose family do you see more?
it's quite equalled out.

22. Who named your pets?
like i asked, live or dead?

23. Who kissed who first?
i did, i did!! hah. but i didn't meant it as a romantic kinda shit. it was just a random kiss then.

24. Who asked who out?
he did. after that drunkdial at 0200hrs, he better.

25. Who’s more sensitive?
he is. i know, i know, i'm supposed to be female.

26. Who’s taller?
he is.

27. Who has more friends?
he has more friends than me. :(

28. Who has more siblings?
ME! i come from a HUGE family.

29. Who wears the pants in the relationship?
we take turns on the matter. we both go nuts on various things. him - his guitars, me - well, anything damien leith really.

hearts 13:24:00
0 spoken words


goodbye
is to say hello again.
a chapter closed
and a new chapter begins.

friendship
is to be forever.
a form of love that lasts
through time and through distance.

love
is to be understanding.
an emotion that rides high
and blinds you from the truth.

goodbye
is not to be forever.
a word that holds many meaning
only to say hello again.

hearts 02:42:00
0 spoken words

Friday, November 02, 2007

i still miss us
- damien leith -

I'm
I'm not the one
The one who is right for you
I can't explain
It's already said and done
baby now
The time that has past us
The images fade away
And all that I've got
Are thoughts of the past

Chorus:
And I still miss talking
I still miss walking
My heart just won't
Give you up
I'm a shadow on the run
Waiting for the sun
I still miss us

These days
I try to forget you
Start to make some sense
The road up ahead
The one left behind
Forget the light
That faded in our lives
That somewhere deep inside
It's still shining there
For you an I

Chorus:
And I still miss talking
I still miss walking
I still miss the sound
Of your voice
Like a whisper in the wind
That takes me back again
I still miss us

And we've come such a long way
And I feel like I'm on the losing end
And I know I've said some stupid things
That I cannot take back

Chorus:
And I still miss talking
I still miss walking
I still miss the sound
Of your voice
Like a whisper in the wind
That takes me back again
I still miss us

I still miss us


i still can't believe how affected i still am. they told me it's part of the process but everyone seemed to have moved on fine. why am i still stuck here, in that time? why is it that i can still hear your voice in the winds? why is it that i can still remember your face, your gentle touch? how long more is it going to take?

i miss you and it has been 16 months since you walked away.

hearts 11:51:00
0 spoken words