walking contradiction

25 years old.
a girl of irony.
studying in university of new south wales - ba/llb.
living and let live.
truly blessed by His and his love.

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. feelings and thoughts .

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Tuesday, February 28, 2006

it's at this moment that i wish i can be locked up in a little black room, left with nothing but my sanity to lose.

hearts 23:18:00
0 spoken words

Things and persons appear to us according to the light we throw upon them from our own minds. How unconciously we judge others by the light that is within ourselves, condemning or approving them by our own conception of right and wrong, honor and dishonor! We show by our judgement just what the light within us is.

-- Laura Ingalls Wilder

then let me not judge but remain in constant silence.

disgust fills my heart.

hearts 00:24:00
0 spoken words

Sunday, February 26, 2006

hurt and pain seemed to love me well,
never leaving me alone to learn more about happiness.
guess they are kinda jealous of it as well cos they seem rather keen on keeping me just simply by their side.
tried many times to run away from their clutches and refuse them entry into my home yet somehow, they manage to create another sob story and make me seek solace in their ironic comfort.

hurt and pain,
when will both of you leave me to be and allow me to learn more about my mere acquaintence happiness?

hearts 22:50:00
0 spoken words

even if i tell you that i still love you despite everything that has happened, what good will it do?
even if i tell you that i still miss you despite waking up in fear and desperation, what good will it do?

but i just do.
i love you.
i miss you.

you just don't know that.

hearts 03:20:00
0 spoken words

Saturday, February 25, 2006

i want to be loved, not despised.
i want to be cherished, not belittled.
i want to be held, not discarded.

i want to awake, not dread the sleep.
i want to walk, not to dread the chase.
i want to rest, not to dread the chaos.

i just want something simple, like every other girl.
i just want to love and be loved.

hearts 18:35:00
0 spoken words

Friday, February 24, 2006

this is my favorite chair in the living room. isn't it beautiful?

the living room!

the fridge in the kitchen.

the stove and everything else.

the dining table and mahjong table. oops.

my bedroom!! my love!!

where i keep the dirty bugs off me.

welcome to my bathroom. lol.

hearts 23:00:00
0 spoken words

Friday, February 17, 2006

heartlight has been sending me notes of love since i've gone on a hiatus from the net, to clear my thoughts, to clear my heart, etc.

The love we have in our youth is superficial compared to the love that an old man has for his old wife.

-- Will Durant

isn't that so true? i was at chatswood the other day to collect my keys and i saw this elderly couple in front of me. the lady was blind and she was asking her husband in mandarin, "are you still there?" the husband just silently tug onto her handbag and led her up the stairs. love. it is still around, isn't it?

The art of love... is largely the art of persistence.

-- Albert Ellis

but if i do persist, what difference will it make? every morning, i'm waking up to cold sweat cos i've been havin those nightmares. it's just so painful. is perserverance always about suffering and enduring?

Love does not delight in evil, but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.
-- 1 Corinthians 13:6-7

if even the bible says love always perseveres, then i truly question myself. maybe i don't really love you, since i can't seem to persevere long enough. or maybe i do really love you, cos i'm still hoping...

Love is not affectionate feeling, but a steady wish for the loved person's ultimate good as far as it can be obtained.

-- C. S. Lewis

then the quote from C.S. Lewis came, and i realise maybe i really do. all that i pray for is for your happiness and your well-being. maybe i really do love you. maybe i've really learnt the precious lesson of love.

Love doesn't just sit there like a stone, it has to be made, like bread; remade all the time, made new.

-- Ursula K. LeGuin

but how do you apply this lesson? how do you remake it; make it new? is it even possible after all the damage and all the hurt and pain? is it ever possible to leave behind all the negatives and focus on the future and the positive?

Hate destroys the vessel it's kept in.

-- Author Unknown

focusing on the negatives will only destroy me, you and us further. it's time to really let it all go and let Him decide. He has spoken lots to me lately, making me think really hard on the value and meaning of love.

i was watching sex and the city the other day and carrie bradshaw said something regarding how each time she seems to move on, mr. big would return into her life with a bang then leaves her in shit. yet, somehow she always readily returns to him. why is that so? love.

do you understand me and love now?
i hope someday you will finally do.

hearts 00:00:00
0 spoken words

Friday, February 10, 2006

Love a man, even in his sin, for that love is a likeness of the divine love, and is the summit of love on earth.

-- Fyodor Dostoevsky
the meaning of love has been lost on mankind.

decisions have been made.

strength, determination and sheer faith shall pull me through.

He gave us happy memories. Though He took them away eventually, i'm just grateful for those memories. He's preparing me for something greater and someone better. maybe the someone could still be you, maybe He has someone else in mind for me. but i know, it's time for me to stand tall and walk away from the humiliation and ridicules. it's time for me to finally find someone who can truly appreciate me for me and love me and honor God in his ways.

hearts 00:04:00
0 spoken words

Thursday, February 09, 2006

i can only pray that you were not react negatively to my decision.

i made it only because i think it's the best for us.

i'm sorry.

hearts 01:20:00
0 spoken words

Wednesday, February 08, 2006

"Now then, my sons, listen to me; blessed are those who keep my ways. Listen to my instruction and be wise; do not ignore it."

--- Proverbs 8:32-33, New International Version

what can i ignore when i'm left with nothing but Your words?

hearts 23:04:00
0 spoken words

day 1 - my swollen and bandaged ankle.

day 3 - can you see the swell? lol.

day 3 - the swell has gone down.

hearts 23:02:00
0 spoken words

Tuesday, February 07, 2006

i'm desiring less...

There are two ways to get enough: one is to continue to accumulate more and more. The other is to desire less.

-- G. K. Chesterton

Let love and faithfulness never leave you; bind them around your neck, write them on the tablet of your heart. Then you will win favor and a good name in the sight of God and man.

Proverbs 3:3-4, New International Version

hearts 23:31:00
0 spoken words

Monday, February 06, 2006

i twisted my ankle, i think. i don't think it's a sprain but ya, it's like swollen. took a photo of it. will show you guys soon.

by the way, i swear heartlight is psychic cos whenever i made certain decisions that might not be for the best, they send me a fabulous quote to affirm that my decision is a poor choice. praise the Lord.
Know this: though love is weak and hate is strong, Yet hate is short, and love is very long.

-- Kenneth Boulding

hearts 23:32:00
0 spoken words

Saturday, February 04, 2006

i thought of alot of things today.
thought of all the things i've done.
thought of how i've tried to change.
thought of the past and the present.

today, i took one last hug and looked one last time at a future i held so so dear. i made a choice that only my tears pay witness to.

one last project.
the last of it.
my work will be done.
as all is futile.

who needs friends when friends turn out such?

hearts 22:31:00
0 spoken words

Friday, February 03, 2006

"God is in the midst of her, she shall not be moved; God shall help her, just at the break of dawn."
-- Psalm 46:5

let me seek refuge in You, o Lord. let me seek the strength to carry on.

thanks mum, for everything.

hearts 22:34:00
0 spoken words

Thursday, February 02, 2006

r. a. baileys, i wish i knew you in person to thank you for the most wonderful amnesia-inducing drink ever produced.

i never knew how toxic i was.
i'm sorry.

hearts 22:13:00
0 spoken words

Wednesday, February 01, 2006

i just love hearing your laughters.

hearts 00:17:00
0 spoken words