walking contradiction

25 years old.
a girl of irony.
studying in university of new south wales - ba/llb.
living and let live.
truly blessed by His and his love.

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time constrained


another dimension



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benje. carol. crystal. daniel ho. davina. doreen. evelyn. ingrid. iniQx. jac. jess. julian. karen. kimberly. leon. li en. mabel. melissa. nick. shirley. stefan. xiaowei. yee huat. yusuf. zhong ying.


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. feelings and thoughts .

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Wednesday, March 29, 2006

watched walk the line today.
yes, like finally.

and i just remembered.

all about us.
it flooded back.
i need out.

i desperately need out.
i can't do this anymore.

please.

ask your spirit to leave me alone.

hearts 00:59:00
0 spoken words

Tuesday, March 28, 2006

i do sense, in my little brain, that i will be frequenting the picturehouse in the new cathay cineplex very so often. *grins*

finally, some place for real films.

hearts 17:02:00
0 spoken words

Monday, March 27, 2006


the best quote i've read thus far. Posted by Picasa

hearts 00:47:00
0 spoken words


Hypocrites in the Church? Yes, and in the lodge and at the home.
Don't hunt through the Church for a hypocrite. Go home and look in the mirror. Hypocrites? Yes. See that you make the number one less.

-- Billy Sunday
slowly, i am changing.

Whatever man loves, that is his god. For he carries it in his heart; he goes about with it night and day; he sleeps and wakes with it, be it what it may - wealth or self, pleasure or renown.

-- Martin Luther
let God be the one i love and let Him be my one and only God.

hearts 00:44:00
0 spoken words


i've been having weird dreams lately.

of giving birth;
of pain;
of underground activities;
of groups;
of love;
of family;
of you.

i wonder.

hearts 00:31:00
0 spoken words

Thursday, March 23, 2006

Neither genius, fame, nor love show the greatness of the soul.
Only kindness can do that.

-- Jean Baptiste Henri Lacordaire
the warm fuzzy feeling in your stomach - that's love.
i wonder...

hearts 23:32:00
0 spoken words

Monday, March 20, 2006

The 7 modern sins: politics without principles, pleasures without conscience, wealth without work, knowledge without character, industry without morality, science without humanity, worship without sacrifice.

-- Canon Frederic Donaldson
my sins.

hearts 23:33:00
0 spoken words


I was nothing but a wretched little doll.
You pick me up and chose me from the dumps.
You showered me with love, faith and hope,
Bringing me up in nothing but absolute truth.

I was blinded by the world's chase for gold,
You stopped me in my tracks and took me away.
You showed me the beauty of peace and calm,
Teaching me to appreciate Your very creations.

I was brought before You in Your very home.
You guyide me and mould me from my core.
You placed me in the school of hard knocks,
In the very midst of Your glory, I ran.

I ran away from Your house of glory and joy.
You searched for me in the pastures, crying in pain.
You heard my cries for shelter and for You,
O Daddy, You came for me and took me home.

hearts 03:47:00
0 spoken words

Sunday, March 19, 2006

for the almost 7 years i knew you, all i wanted was to be there for you...
through thick and thin, through sadness and happiness.

this become more profound during the almost last 5 years...

recently, i realised i can no longer carry the burden of two persons,
i can only carry my own.

hearts 00:06:00
0 spoken words

Saturday, March 18, 2006

We need to find God, and he cannot be found in noise and restlessness. God is the friend of silence. See how nature--trees, flowers, grass- grows in silence; see the stars, the moon and the sun, how they move in silence...We need silence to be able to touch souls.

-- Mother Teresa
when silence falls and the world is still, who do you think of most?
i think of You and how i've failed You.

hearts 00:41:00
0 spoken words

Thursday, March 16, 2006

It is impossible for that man to despair who remembers that his Helper is omnipotent.

-- Jeremy Taylor
but it is equally impossible to not despair after this incident.

Never undertake anything for which you wouldn't have the courage to ask the blessing of heaven.

-- G. C. Lichtenberg
i wanna have the courage to have the blessing to do what is desired within. i wanna help those girls. they might have robbed me off my material item and my dignity but they didn't rob away my God. and for that, i wanna help them... please give me strength.

hearts 00:23:00
0 spoken words

Tuesday, March 14, 2006

just when i thought nothing could go worse, God decided to up my tolerance by another mark.

He allowed me to get robbed.

He's really testing my level of forgiveness.

hearts 03:53:00
0 spoken words

Monday, March 13, 2006

Forgiveness is not an occasional act; it is a permanent attitude.

-- Martin Luther King, Jr.

sigh. an attitude i shall adopt.

hearts 23:26:00
0 spoken words

Sunday, March 12, 2006

today, i looked up to the sky and i did something i didn't manage to do for a long time.

i smiled.

it might be because i went for my first bible study session here since i reached sydney. it might be because i am proud of what i've been doing so far. yes. there have been ups and downs. there's still that me that yearns to reach out to him but i'm glad and proud that i managed to resist all temptations so far.

still.

to you,

i wanna thank you for being a part of my life. you brought me the happiest yet most painful moments of my life. you taught me how to love and to cherish love in return. you taught me how to forgive despite the hurt and pain inflicted upon. you taught me how to rely on God for all the most beautiful things on Earth. you probably didn't realise that till now, how much of an impact you truly have in my life.

true enough, your deeds and ways of life have pushed me away but you will always have a special place in my heart. i'm done crying over you. i'm done thinking that i can never find someone like you because i know God has someone out there who deserves me more than you do. i'm done holding on to the commitments i once shared with you but which i ended up trying so hard to keep to cos you decided to give up. i'm done with all of these and i thank you for allowing this final realisation to happen.

as much as at times, i wish all these never happened, i'm grateful that this relationship existed. without it, i won't have learn so much about myself and about love. without it, i probably won't even realise i have such enormous capacity to love.

thank you but goodbye.

you're one bad habit that i just have to turn my back on now. i'm sorry but please do forgive me. i love you and please know that in your loneliest and saddest night of your life, there's still someone out there praying for you. praying for you to be finally at peace with your very self.

goodbye.

hearts 04:44:00
0 spoken words

Thursday, March 09, 2006

You know I want you to be happy. And more than anything, I wanted to be the cause of happiness in you. What you're feeling now is the unstoppable force, which means that I've got to move.

-- Heck from Imagine Me and You
today i made a wish i never knew it was ever possible for me to make...

i wished i never knew you.

hearts 20:04:00
0 spoken words

Wednesday, March 08, 2006

the Asserter
Test finished!
you chose AY - your Enneagram type is EIGHT.


"I must be strong"



Asserters are direct, self-reliant, self-confident, and protective.



How to Get Along with Me




  • Stand up for yourself... and me.


  • Be confident, strong, and direct.


  • Don't gossip about me or betray my trust.


  • Be vulnerable and share your feelings. See and acknowledge my tender,
    vulnerable side.


  • Give me space to be alone.


  • Acknowledge the contributions I make, but don't flatter me.


  • I often speak in an assertive way. Don't automatically assume it's
    a personal attack.


  • When I scream, curse, and stomp around, try to remember that's just
    the way I am.



What I Like About Being a Eight




  • being independent and self-reliant


  • being able to take charge and meet challenges head on


  • being courageous, straightforward, and honest


  • getting all the enjoyment I can out of life


  • supporting, empowering, and protecting those close to me


  • upholding just causes



What's Hard About Being a Eight




  • overwhelming people with my bluntness; scaring them away when I don't
    intend to


  • being restless and impatient with others' incompetence


  • sticking my neck out for people and receiving no appreciation for it


  • never forgetting injuries or injustices


  • putting too much pressure on myself


  • getting high blood pressure when people don't obey the rules or when
    things don't go right



Eights as Children Often




  • are independent; have an inner strength and a fighting spirit


  • are sometimes loners


  • seize control so they won't be controlled


  • fugure out others' weaknesses


  • attack verbally or physically when provoked


  • take charge in the family because they perceive themselves as the strongest,
    or grow up in difficult or abusive surroundings



Eights as Parents




  • are often loyal, caring, involved, and devoted


  • are sometimes overprotective


  • can be demanding, controlling, and rigid





Renee Baron & Elizabeth Wagele

The Enneagram Made Easy

Discover the 9 Types of People

HarperSanFrancisco, 1994, 161 pages




You liked the test? so please RATE it...

but remember! it had only two questions!!! ;-)











You are not completely happy with the result?!

You chose AY


Would you rather have chosen:

  • BY (FOUR)
  • CY (SIX)
  • AX (SEVEN)
  • AZ (THREE)



  • My test tracked 2 variables How you compared to other people your age and gender:
    free online datingfree online dating
    You scored higher than 70% on ABC
    free online datingfree online dating
    You scored higher than 58% on XYZ
    Link: The Quick and Painless ENNEAGRAM Test written by felk on Ok Cupid, home of the 32-Type Dating Test

    hearts 17:25:00
    0 spoken words

    Monday, March 06, 2006

    God does not discipline us to subdue us, but to condition us for a life of usefulness and blessedness.

    -- Billy Graham
    there was a time when i constantly complained and lamented about my fate. how i always seem to pick out the rotten apple from a supposedly good barrel. my mentor and church friends constantly reassured me that these life experiences that i've gone through, will be a great testimony to some other person around the block. they constantly urged me to steer clear of my sinful lifestyle of alcohol, flirtation and sorts.

    i constantly rejected with the common excuse of i'm not ready.

    but when am i ever ready? i don't think i ever will be. i'm just too fixated with my current destructive lifestyle. maybe, just maybe, then i will be able to see them in 10 years time. it's a long time but it's a short time as well. i miss them. i really do. mum thinks i should learn to let go but i can't seem to.

    every night as i awake from my nightmares, i wish both of you were there to soothe me back to sleep. every single minute i spent thinking of him and how things could have been, i wish both of you were there to tell me that everything will be fine. i miss both of you so much. nothing has felt the same since both of you left me.

    i'm numb. so numb. take me home.

    hearts 23:51:00
    0 spoken words


    One of the ways that our faith expresses itself is by our ability to be still, to be present, and not to panic or lose perspective. God still does his best work in the most difficult of circumstances.

    -- Tim Hansel
    i hope so cos i don't think i'm doing much for myself.

    hearts 00:21:00
    0 spoken words

    Sunday, March 05, 2006

    The righteousness of the blameless makes a straight way for them, but the wicked are brought down by their own wickedness.

    Proverbs 11:5, New International Version
    so am i righteous or wicked?

    There is only one relationship that matters, and that is your personal relationship to a personal Redeemer and Lord. Let everything else go, but maintain that at all cost, and God will fulfill His purpose through your life. (This includes meeting the needs of your heart.) One individual life may be of priceless value to God's purposes, and yours may be that life.

    -- Oswald Chambers

    honestly speaking, i don't know what matters anymore. i feel so numb.

    hearts 02:24:00
    0 spoken words

    Friday, March 03, 2006

    i think i'm so pathetic.
    after all that you've done to me, i still miss and love you.

    so pathetic.

    i miss you so much.
    you have no idea how every day i'm blaming myself for what has become of you.
    i'm sorry for being such a pathetic and negative influence in your life.

    God's promises are like the stars: the darker the night, the brighter they shine.

    -- David Nicholas
    i'm hanging on to you, o Lord.

    If your enemy is hungry, give him food to eat; if he is thirsty, give him water to drink.

    Proverbs 25:21, New International Version
    teach me, Lord. o, teach me the art of forgiving.

    hearts 23:37:00
    0 spoken words


    dav's dad reminds me of a certain someone.
    someone who brought me up in his own distinct manner along with his wife.
    struggled to ignore the similarities.
    but it was all so present.

    grandpa, grandma...

    i miss you both so much.

    hearts 18:22:00
    0 spoken words

    Thursday, March 02, 2006

    Wounds from a friend can be trusted, but an enemy multiplies kisses.

    --- Proverbs 27:6, New International Version

    o hell ya. i'm a living testimony for that verse. damn it.

    hearts 19:36:00
    0 spoken words

    Wednesday, March 01, 2006

    i feel as if i'm in denial.
    bordering on hatred and love.
    i've never been so disgusted by any one person to this extent yet a part of me goes out to you in sympathy.

    i loved a man that knew what respect meant.
    but i no longer know this man as well.
    i loved a man who knew how important trust is,
    but he destroyed the very fundamental of it all.

    i loved the man that you once were - matured, respectable and considerate.
    now, you're the monster that i've always been in fear of; always dread.

    the betrayal that you subjected me to can never be reversed.
    everything that we once shared, we once had, we once embraced,
    they have all been destroyed.

    hearts 18:08:00
    0 spoken words