walking contradiction

25 years old.
a girl of irony.
studying in university of new south wales - ba/llb.
living and let live.
truly blessed by His and his love.

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Wednesday, February 28, 2007

i've been out of singapore for a week now.
it has also been 2 weeks since bird and i got together.

over the webcam, he played the keyboard and sang me Richard Marx's Right Here Waiting at 0015hrs. the time we got together. i was so touched and my heart went soft. if only i could cry. i ran out of tears.



as i was on my way back from school and after spending a whopping $242.74 on 7 out of the 15 books i'm supposed to get from school, it started to rain and little miss morbid came out to greet the world again. i began to think of the peeps in singapore and sydney. how i've fared as a daughter, sister, friend, buddy and lover. and i suddenly realised i'm quite a failure when it comes to relationships.

sometimes, i do feel a tinge of regret on embarking on my dreams for an overseas education especially for theatre & performance studies. i thought of my family and realised that i've never made much effort to really communicate or care about them. not that i don't care, i do. i just don't seem to know how to express it. i've seen families that are really close-knitted but mine? we might appear close-knitted to peeps out there but at times, i feel that i'm a stranger to my family. i'm not close to my parents, especially my dad. i hardly even speak to him anymore. i would like to think i'm comfortably close to my mum yet i don't exactly feel the bond. then there's mabes who always amuses me with her constant "i look older than you la" or "i'm more matured than you" or "i've been through more than most girls my age". at times, i have to disagree with her but she would fervently deny them so i don't bother. at times, i get disappointed in her cos i feel that she can do much better. at times, i'm proud of her cos she has the courage to do what she desires. after her would be my brother, felix, whom i would love to hate cos he constantly calls me fat when he's so much bigger size than i am. i'm proud of him for being academically smart yet modest about his achievements (at least most of the time). as much as he's a male by sex and gender, i wish he could express more though, his feelings and emotions. sometimes i worry that he's harboring too much thoughts and emotions within. then of course, there's my impish little sister, sonia. she annoys me at times with her childish antics cos i constantly forgets that she is, afterall, just a 9 years old kid. still, i'm proud to call her my sister cos she's so matured for her age and i believe she'll turn out to be a fine young lady. one of my biggest regrets, i guess, would be that amongst my family members, she's the one who had the least opportunities to spend time with me cos i've been overseas since she was 7 years old.

and there's bird as well. the other day, i started apologizing to him for not being able to spend more time with him. though we spend a month-odd dating, we have only been together as a couple for merely a week before i left for sydney and i feel bad that he has to deal with this when he could have not. he has been so understanding, so loving and i wonder what in the world have i done to deserve such a man. inevitably, i started to think of mervin and wonder if my decision to go overseas were right for us. at the same time, i told myself that if he truly loved me, he would have supported my decision and stayed by my side. was a little disappointed that despite the numerous tries, we still didn't work out. however, i'm also grateful that he let me go cos if not, i would never have met bird and let bird into my life. my days would have never became the lovely spring that it's in now, rather than cold winter that i've been enduring.

after a while, i got to thinking about my friends. the mambo laydees, woof and a few others that i know are going through a moment of confusion, sorrow and they need support. i feel bad that i'm unable to be there by their side to comfort them and assure them that they will have a better future or secure the job of their dreams. right now, my major concerns are for ingrid, zhongying and woof. i can't express how much i wanna be by their side. then i start to hate myself for being selfish, for being so far away. yet i know that nobody can pursue my dreams except myself and i'm glad that they have been so understanding. i really treasure their friendships much. of course, the biggest regret amongst all is herng jye. at times, i start to wonder. if i had been in singapore more, would he have still went down that path? if i was there for him, would he have left us behind? if? if... he is probably the first person who started me to wonder if i made the right choice to come down under. i miss him so much. if only he knew how much i agonized over this decision before making my way here. i remember asking him once, "bud, what if i have a relationship in sydney and it didn't work out. you won't be there to comfort me and take care of me. how how how?" and i will always remember his answer, "i'm just a phonecall away. i'll pick up your call, no matter what time." my lifelong regret will be losing him to the devil. i'm sorry.

i'm really a failure in relationships. lol. maybe i'll gain help in my sociology module, seeing that it touches on relationships.

you said you'll pick up my call, no matter the time.
then i realised that it could only hold true, if you held your end of the promise.
but i'll still hold my end of the promise, i'll no longer cry.
tears will not roll on my cheeks any longer, whether in private or public, unless for theatric performances.
i rather swallow and harbor all my emotions than to let even a single drop escape through.

i miss you.

hearts 17:14:00
0 spoken words

Monday, February 26, 2007

i'm evil. *evil laughter*

hearts 12:47:00
0 spoken words

Sunday, February 25, 2007

davina, charles and i queueing for damien rice's concert.

it took forever to get into the theatre so dav and i took another shot.

finally. we're in but we had to wait forever again for the opening act to begin and for the man of the night to appear. a night of waits.

hearts 16:37:00
0 spoken words

Saturday, February 24, 2007

i'm missing my laydees immensely. :(

i'm missing my babyyy... :(

i'm missing my little impish sister of mine... :(

i'm missing mabes and her nonsense. and when i go back in june this time round, my maid won't be around anymore. my house is gonna be different without her somehow. i'm gonna miss her too.

hearts 16:38:00
0 spoken words

Thursday, February 22, 2007

i'm back in sydney and i'm already missing the peeps in singapore.

wanna say thanks to derek and shiyan for coming down and passing me such lovely presents!

and of course, besides my family, i'm also happy that you came down with me.
though i never looked back as i entered the departure's gate, i did try to sneak a peek or two.


hearts 21:30:00
0 spoken words

Sunday, February 18, 2007

just 3 more days left on the calendar before i head back to sydney.

every now and then, i'll take a glance around my surroundings and wonder how i managed to just leave without ever turning back. i wonder, this time round, will i do the same? bid my farewell and just walk through the gates, eyes firmly planted at the path set in front of me.

i don't say much so i shall let my writings be my voice.

when i go to bed,
you will be on my mind.
when i awake from slumber,
you will be on my mind.

when i take a meal,
you will be on my mind.
when i go to gym,
you will be on my mind.

hearts 05:47:00
0 spoken words

Friday, February 16, 2007

clowning around with my sis and bird. my maid has a special guest appearance in one of the shots!

the crazy antics of my sister, bird and i are just wayyyy above everything. i swear we're released from institute of mental health! :D

my last mambo with the laydees, on valentine's, before i head back to sydney next wednesday. can't believe that my 3 months holidays are coming to an end so soon. i'm gonna miss them so much. headed down to zouk with bird and his bro. it was one of the best clubbing experience ever. from my laydees to the masked men. from the drinks to the pukes. i'm gonna miss all of these crazy shit. i love you peeps muchie!

photos edited by zhongying! thanks!

as part of the valentine's celebration, zouk hearted my lovely lazy with paris hilton. :D

just 5 days left.
we're 2 days old.
60 hours with you just doesn't seem enough.
thank you for such a beautiful and lovely valentine's.
it was awesome and i couldn't have asked for more.

me love. me valentine. thank you for everything. i'm gonna miss ya.

hearts 06:28:00
0 spoken words

Wednesday, February 14, 2007

13th february 2007 - valentine's brought forward

the day started at 1200hrs when i was awaken by the tune of Tim McGraw's (feat. Faith Hill) It's Your Love. my morning call from bird. after lazing in bed for another 30-45 minutes, i finally got up to shower and got ready for my first valentine's with him. he shocked me when he came out from the stairs and presented me a bouquet of flowers with a pig attached to it. it was beautiful!

my bouquet of purple tulips from bird

he had the whole day planned since God knows when and the first on his list was back to old school days. why do i say that? he brought me down to parco bugis junction to take... lovegety cards! i felt like i was a secondary school kid again and i was so amused by this particular pitstop. we didn't have much time to spare so immediately after the cards were laminated, he rushed me off to our next destination.

as he drove towards the next stop, the busy-body in me came out and started trying to guess in advance where the hell he's taking me to. after several guesses, i finally hit the jackpot! it was great world city. then i started to try and guess why there's only one movie available in that whole entire GV cinema. he surprised me with Gold Class tickets. OMG. those expensive piece of shit tickets were the ultimate experience to watch Babel. according to him, there was another couple who reserved tickets for this movie but they didn't turn up. we had the entire theatre to ourselves. talk about maximum comfort, privacy and ambience. after the movies, we walked around and got ourselves yoghurts to eat. lovely lovely yoghurts - i love.

the ultimate experience - gold class!

then the dramatic part of the day came in, upon getting into his car, he immediately took out his adidas bandana to blindfold me. he wanted our next destination to be a surprise so being a 'good' girl, i allowed him to tie that thing across my eyes. i was instantly handicapped. when we finally got to the place, i've never been happier to let light into my eyes and as my eyes adjusted to the lights, i realised where we were. we were at Night Safari! he did tell me that we were going to a ulu place for dinner but i didn't expect the restaurant to be called "Ulu Ulu Restaurant". the buffet dinner was awesome, i had my cold dish, my fruits and what nots. we were so full at the end of the dinner that the walk in Night Safari was a MUST. the hour-plus walk was splendid. we paused along the way several times to marvel at the animals/scenery. alas, it all has to come to an end sooner or later.

bird at ulu ulu restaurant

now it's my shot!

us after the massive dinner

there was a beautiful reservoir behind us but it's too dark. love the scenery!

the penultimate stop before the last stop of the entire journey - pasir ris park. there, he gave me my valentine's present - the adidas watch that i've been so eyeing on! i was like completely taken aback. then the bitch in me came out for a while, where the heck did he get the time to look for the gift? then he revealed that he has been looking for it during his lunch hours. omg. me love. :) then he brought out a stack of papers. it was only then did i realise that i've written so much stuff about him during the past 1-2 months of knowing him and he made me read them to him, one by one. as the night comes to a close before we headed back for the last stop, in the most solemn tone possible, he asked me a question and i took the plunge.

my adidas watch from bird. me lovey! :D

0015hrs, 14th februrary 2007.
you uttered 3 words from your heart.
you asked and i answered with honesty.
7 days left, how are we to deal, i don't know.
but we will, we will deal.

i love you.

hearts 18:23:00
0 spoken words

Tuesday, February 13, 2007

i can't believe i'm down to just 8 days.

so what did i do today?

  • bumped into yusuf today at gym. it's been quite a while since i've seen him. it was great catching up with him.

  • went off to meet lydia in town. had a brief chat about stuff and i really love this girl. she's just so beautiful.

  • met up with bird and we headed down to bar none for nick's band's CD launch. bumped into daphne there and chilled at the place with the sydney peeps till 10ish. ah. sidebar awaits us.

  • bird and i then left for ktv with the laydees, meiyi, weiren and xianglong. i'm really gonna miss them. i love you peeps!

  • just 8 days left.

    don't wanna say goodbye,
    it's too painful.
    wish i can stay by your side,
    it's too beautiful.

    i am looking forward to my valentine's with you. :)

    hearts 07:51:00
    0 spoken words

    Monday, February 12, 2007

    当全世界的人 怪我无心的犯错
    有了你的爱 让我不迷惑
    I Love You 你听见了吗
    I Love You 你对我最好
    在我低落时候 你都在我身旁
    I Love You 你听见了吗
    I Love You 要让你知道
    我的世界因你 漫天星光闪亮
    有了你的爱 让我不迷惑
    I Love You 你听见了吗
    I Love You 你对我最好
    在我低落时候 你都在我身旁
    I Love You 你听见了吗
    I Love You 要让你知道
    我的世界因你 漫天星光闪亮
    我的世界因你 漫天星光闪亮

    -- 星光 by Fann Wong

    it isn't easy for me to say it out in words so i'll let my beloved Fann's song do the talking.
    i'm so glad that you're finally discharged and i'm really looking forward to tomorrow.

    this song is also for buddy. he was my star that brightened my lonely lonely nights.
    i miss him.
    valentine's coming.

    hey bud, what are you gonna do?
    will you be up there trying to shout out to us that you love us?
    visit me soon, please.

    i miss you.


    hearts 06:26:00
    0 spoken words

    Saturday, February 10, 2007

    the penultimate mambo before i head back down under.
    photos were edited and made into a beautiful spread by zhongying.

    gonna miss my laydees and of course, the silly bird.

    hearts 12:48:00
    0 spoken words

    he's in hospital.
    i'm back home.

    a part of me really wanna stay with him for the night.
    yet another part of me told me i've my friends as well.

    you silly boy.
    i might not say much but i do care enough.
    enough to make me wonder how you're doing.
    enough to try and reassure you throughout the night.

    get well soon.
    i can't do it without you, this trust issue thing.
    only with you can i soar through the sky without fear.
    only with you can i truly learn the marvel of love again.

    get well soon.

    i may not say it at all
    but i do miss you
    so please take care of yourself.
    for you said you would
    take care of me. :)

    hearts 06:55:00
    0 spoken words

    Friday, February 09, 2007

    it's 0630hrs (my blog is in sydney's timezone) and i can't get to sleep. mum heated up some porridge for felix and there were some left-overs so being the greedy pig, i finished it up. since the pig in me just ate, i couldn't possibly just go lie on the nice comfy bed and fly away to lala land. it would just add to the ever growing love handles of mine. so what do i do? i blog-surf and got intrigued by the amount of hate-tags that a relative's blog has been receiving.

    as i read through the 145 hate-tags, my emotions swung from hilarity to frustration. for a moment, i wondered to myself what have schools been teaching all of these young kids lately? then i took off my imaginary pair of granny's glasses and realised i'm at most 2 years older than these bunch of childish pricks. it amazes me how some hypocrites out there are able to post anonymously on people's blogs and revel at their "courage" to speak justice for the dead and condemn the wicked. such "responsible" young adults singapore has bred through the years. i'm completely amazed and taken aback.

    for a moment, i pitied these pricks' parents for i believe they raised them to be responsible, sensible and matured young adults, not some vandaliser who seek amusement through libel and defacing other's blog with their tags in almost-complete anonymity (oops! did i mention that comments tagged usually have their ip addresses logged in the database?). i wondered how their parents will react if they receive a letter from court or the lawyers on the possible libel lawsuit their lovely children have earned themselves? i know, personally, i would be utterly disappointed with myself first and foremost.

    these young kids claim that what they are doing is to punish the blog owner for the deeds that he/she has committed against a dear friend. but really? are they really doing it for the sake of him/her or just finding an excuse to express their undying jealousy over the good fortune of the other? to express their inferiority? there's a saying that goes something like this, "the weak always get bullied but the bullies are the weakest amongst all" and it's just so apt in a situation like this. for if an individual is truly a friend of the wronged, surely they would have tried to think from his/her point of view rather than seeing it from their personal, prejudiced point of view.

    at the end of the day, all i can do is sit back and laugh at the childish antics of these bunch of young adults who claim to be matured and leading a better life than the blog owner. who are they trying to deceive, i wonder. sad sad creatures. i pray for their sakes that their sensibility and maturity will grow on them soon enough. for when the lawyer in me strikes, there's no holding back.

    hearts 09:27:00
    0 spoken words

    Maybe some women aren't meant to be tamed. Maybe they're supposed to run wild until they find someone -- just as wild -- to run with.

    -- Sarah Jessica Parker as Carrie in Sex and the City

    will you be that someone, just as wild, who is willing to run with me?
    you always said that one day i'll get tired of running,
    that if i could just stop and turn back, i'll see you there.
    are you running after me or with me?

    cos i may not stop but i definitely won't mind running alongside with you.

    hearts 06:52:00
    0 spoken words

    Wednesday, February 07, 2007

    [singing] Never knew I could feel like this. Like I've never seen the sky before. Want to vanish inside your kiss, every day I'm loving you more and more. Listen to my heart, can you hear it sing? Come back to me- and forgive everything.
    [gasp] Seasons may change, winter to spring... I love you 'til the end of time.

    -- Nicole Kidman as Satine in Moulin Rouge

    2 weeks, 14 days, 350 hours, 21,000 minutes, 1,260,000 seconds.
    i'm counting down the seconds, the minutes, the hours, the days and the weeks.
    soon, farewell will be inevitably on our lips like it is on our minds now.
    so please let us never say goodbye but see you around very very soon.
    for you made me believe in something i never knew i could have faith in... again.

    hearts 08:01:00
    0 spoken words

    Tuesday, February 06, 2007

    fooling around with the photo booth.

    i just love to be happy, especially when it's with you and you're happy too.

    your kisses makes my heart flutter yet grounds me.


    15 more days. a day more of 2 weeks.
    time is really slipping through our hands like sand would.


    hearts 07:08:00
    0 spoken words

    Monday, February 05, 2007

    click to enlarge poster

    hearts 21:19:00
    0 spoken words

    if tomorrow never comes,
    without regrets, i'll accept.
    the evening stars will agree,
    with you, never a moment slipped.

    if today is to be the last,
    i know i've made the best of it.
    the tender lips and kisses,
    you made a believer out of me.

    if yesterday never returns,
    i could never have asked for more.
    the laughters and the joys,
    you are the sparkle in my eye.

    sweet 16 or is it not?
    how did time slip us by?
    every moment treasured.
    every moment cherished.

    let's not say goodbye.
    it's not a word for us.

    hearts 06:20:00
    0 spoken words

    Sunday, February 04, 2007

    o Daddy, sweet ol' Daddy,
    i pray to Thee for the safety of his godfather.
    please send Thy lovely angels at vigil by his bed.
    may Thou blest the elder conciousness regained.

    o Daddy, sweet ol'd Daddy,
    i pray in Thy most lovely Son's name,

    hearts 23:53:00
    0 spoken words

    Saturday, February 03, 2007

    i've been emo for most part of yesterday. i started thinking of the past, of bud, of everything that happened. watching "the peak" that is broadcasting on channel 8. the emo me decided the day ain't over yet afterall.

    the sun is rising. i remembered how there was this one incident where bud asked me who i love more - him or mervin? i couldn't answer. i saw jeanette aw's character on screen and she was asked a similar question. she couldn't answer either. till now, i wonder why couldn't i answer that simple question. shouldn't it have been easy since i just broke up with mervin at that point in time? but no, i couldn't answer. i was stuck. after that episode, i started to understand a little. maybe i just couldn't make a choice at that point in time cos i love them both differently.

    i love buddy deeply. so much that it still hurts whenever i talk about him. the first guy i love so deeply that i've always prayed for him to be happy. the first guy whom i called buddy, my confidante. it mattered to me so much how he felt about every guy that i dated or was in a relationship with. the first guy whose presence in my life was so important that i refused to get into a relationship with him cos i feared losing him. when he passed away, i felt a part of me was torn apart, vanished into thin air. my world crashed and burned as i cried, watching his coffin being lifted into the pits of fire. i can only promise him in my silent prayers that i'll live on, fulfill my duties and hopefully, join him soon enough.

    i love mervin deeply too, but in a different manner. he was the first guy i ever thought of settling down with. it wasn't during a moment of giddy puppy love that made me feel that way. when things became sour between the both of us, my heart was in loads of pain. i probably never understood the bittersweet feeling of love till that moment yet i never regretted loving him. loving him was one of the best things that could have ever happened to me in this lifetime. he taught me lots of stuff and hopefully, i taught him enough as well. even after many tries, we still failed in our relationship but i had no bitterness in me. i never knew the true reasons behind the failure of our relationship. was it that time just ran out for us? was it that love just wasn't enough anymore? what was it? i don't think i'll ever know. i still believe that loving someone never meant that we must possess that individual. sometimes, loving someone just means you want the best for him/her. since i couldn't give him the best or love him the manner his heart desired, why should he stay?

    then the characters in "the peak" said something that made me reflect greatly.

    you will never realise how much you love someone till you lose him/her.

    -- adapted from the peak

    i've had many tough lessons on this chapter of life. i must have failed it miserably time and time again, cos i just keep losing the people that i love so dearly. but this is a new year and i had a great start. i don't wanna make the same mistake again.

    I hear the sound
    Of your heart beating
    Don't say a word
    I know what you're feeling
    Just hold me close
    Don't be afraid
    These arms
    Won't let your heart break

    Just ask me girl
    Oh I surrender
    I'll make love to you
    So soft and tender
    I promise you
    With every breath I take
    These arms
    Won't let your heart break


    These eyes wil worship and adore you
    These hands will love you everyday
    Darlin', the only guarantee I can make
    These arms wont let your heart break

    Your wish is my command
    I'm right here for you
    Just take my hand
    I'll love you like you want me to
    One thing for sure
    Make no mistake
    My arms wont let your heart break




    These arms wont let your heart break....

    -- All 4 One's These Arms

    don't wanna make the same mistakes that i've made with the other two.
    don't wanna take forever to realise how much you mean to me in my heart.
    don't wanna lose you to figure the importance you have in my life.

    having you in my life, i've never been this happy for a long time.
    having you in my life, i've never been so loved, so cherished for a long time.
    having you in my life, i've never been just myself for a long time.

    having you in my life, i don't wanna say hello to my past anymore.

    hearts 09:53:00
    0 spoken words

    Friday, February 02, 2007

    i'm learning,
    learning the slow art of loving.
    learning the slow art of lovemaking.
    learning the slow art of being loved.

    i'm learning,
    learning how to believe.
    learning how to trust.
    learning how to have faith.

    i'm learning,
    every single day.
    every single night.
    every single second.

    how the numbers dwindle to nothingness.
    we're down to just 19 days.
    don't ask me if i'll miss you,
    cos the answers written in the stars.

    under the same starry sky,
    when you look and gaze at them,
    i will be gazing at them longingly
    and they shall be my messengers.

    hearts 05:30:00
    0 spoken words

    Thursday, February 01, 2007

    Now I lay me down to sleep,
    I pray Thee, Lord, my soul to keep.
    And if I dream the day before,
    I dream a prayer a teacher saw.
    In eyes gone sad, a child again.
    Like teachers who no longer feign
    the joy, the thanks, the angst, the sham.
    The lies, the truth, the words, the shame.
    A prayer whose name meant hurt and pain.
    A simple prayer it took the same.

    The hurt and pain [the hurt and pain]
    the hurt and pain [the hurt and pain]
    I walked in pain, in the evening rain,
    so light, so soft, [so light, so soft]
    of feathers brushed. [of feathers brushed]
    I walked on water, I walked to rush.
    I walked on water, I walked to rush.

    I walked to rush to watch a play.
    Three girls and what they had to say.
    And how and why when fingers don't
    write words of wisdom, no they won't.
    A dancer danced they loved, they say;
    like a bird in pain to prey
    around the children, around the words,
    around the drums, and around the birds.
    I heard their song, so pure, so clean.
    A simple prayer it was to be.


    But the rain had stopped. And also the pain.
    I live in open fields again.
    Dreaming now, the prayer,
    to remember,
    to remember......


    -- Vanessa Fernandez's A Prayer, A Dream

    the new sound with words that never fails to touch my heart. enjoy.

    hearts 15:46:00
    0 spoken words

    4hrs, 7 months ago, i had my last conversation with you.
    4 hrs, 7 months after that fateful day, i'm here alone, fighting back my tears.

    i dreamt of you and i saw your coroner's report in my dream. the image of death once again haunts my thoughts.
    couldn't get to sleep. kept turning and tossing. just couldn't get to sleep after those images.

    bird and i are gonna visit you later, i promise.
    don't worry, i won't cry in front of him, like i promised.
    i will never shed a tear in front of any other man.
    this i promise you.

    and you, do you remember what i asked you to promise me in my dreams with you?
    do you? please say the 4 words i wish to hear from you so badly... please.

    i just can't wait for that day to come.
    i miss you.
    i really, really do.


    phuture and mambo

    finally, the mambo laydees had their 'gathering' at their almost homeground after weeks of seperation.

    melvin, zhongying, ingrid and i at phuture

    i gotta kiss one of the gorgeous!

    xianglong and ingrid after the brawl on the dancefloor

    let's smile, smile, smile! zhongying went off early as she has a dental appointment the next morning. hope you're feeling much better!!

    i'm gonna miss my girls so much.
    love you all!!!!

    remember, i'm just a message, a call away. i'm really not that far!


    hearts 08:10:00
    0 spoken words