walking contradiction

25 years old.
a girl of irony.
studying in university of new south wales - ba/llb.
living and let live.
truly blessed by His and his love.

Created by Wedding Favors

time constrained

another dimension

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benje. carol. crystal. daniel ho. davina. doreen. evelyn. ingrid. iniQx. jac. jess. julian. karen. kimberly. leon. li en. mabel. melissa. nick. shirley. stefan. xiaowei. yee huat. yusuf. zhong ying.

communication channels
christian forum. keeptouch forum. heartlight. save our tree e-magazine. yesterday .sg. good morning yesterday. riverlife. 陳志明.
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. feelings and thoughts .

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many bows
pictures: one
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designer: sweet_surrender
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Saturday, July 30, 2005

i finally broke down.
after so long.
i finally broke down.

i finally let my tears roll.
after so long.
i finally let my tears roll.

i finally let my heart break.
after so long.
i finally let my heart break.

and now,
i just wanna breathe my last.
after so long.
i just wanna breathe my last.

hearts 03:00:00
0 spoken words

I feel like giving up on everything.
It's just getting too tiring.

Feeling unappreciated as I sit by the screen,
My fingers aching from the effort and all.

Heart filled with anticipation.
Bottles filled with words.

Shattered by nothing more
But words.

hearts 00:02:00
0 spoken words

Thursday, July 28, 2005

a tutor spoke to me one evening. he said that he could sense i'm like the outcast of the class cos i am a retained student yet i'm still able to hold myself straight up and not let it work against me. he added that he finds it amusing that no matter how long a break he gave the class, i, despite being alone, would always manage to find something to do. he called me a loner yet i'm not really one. he called me strong yet i'm weak too. so who am i?

even i've trouble answering that myself. strong? then i saw the drama serial playing out on channel 8 at 2100hrs. the character siqi said something that i thought was the most beautiful line i could ever hear.

hearts 03:14:00
0 spoken words

Sunday, July 24, 2005

7 Types of Intelligence - Which is yours?

brought to you by Quizilla

hearts 20:23:00
0 spoken words

I'm confused. I was looking at the airfare prices for Qantas and Singapore Airlines and I'm stuck as to whether I should check out the prices for "return" or "one-way".

For one-way,
Qantas' price is like $602
SQ's price is like $787.

For return,
Qantas was like $839
SQ - $1247

The above prices are taken from their respective websites. I was urged by my friend to check out travel agencies as well and the prices became different.

For Qantas, one-way and return, is priced at $490 and $890 respectively.
For SQ, one-way and return, it's priced at $600 and $900 respectively.

The prices above are however, excluding all the various taxes.

Gee. O well, done enough surfing for the day.

Your silence kills.

hearts 01:57:00
0 spoken words

Saturday, July 23, 2005

I'm over inquisitive.
You're unreasonable.

When this two traits come into collision, what do we get? Conflicts?

Both of us stopped in our tracks.
Both began the apologies.

What then shall happen from there?

Loving you means loving all your flaws.
To you, I might not have noticed them
But I did and I've embraced them
For they are a part of you of whom
I've came to love so dearly.

hearts 23:47:00
0 spoken words

You jammed my inspiration.
Gotta let you go.

Clueless no more.

hearts 19:46:00
0 spoken words

Friday, July 22, 2005

I remembered Wayne said to me that I had a strong heart. Now I can finally reply back to him.

I've been certified to have a weak heart by a doctor.


Can't take games anymore.
Just keep me safe within your arms.

hearts 16:12:00
0 spoken words

Thursday, July 21, 2005

Tired of all the gameplay.
Tired of the winning and losing factor in it all.
Tired of having to move on from one to another.

I just wanna stay by your side.

hearts 02:58:00
0 spoken words

Wednesday, July 20, 2005

I keep having this feeling that you're hiding something from me or that you're lying about something.

I've had enough of players, cheaters and what nots.
Please... Don't you become like one of them as well

Cos it'll hurt me so much that I don't think I can trust love ever again.

hearts 04:22:00
0 spoken words

I miss you.
Miss your smell.
Miss your hugs.
Miss your kisses.

You never really knew.
I will always remember that very night when you asked me that question.
I will always remember how much I feared losing that very bond.
I will always remember every single little details on your face.. your body.

You will never be just somebody in my life.
You will always be that somebody important.

hearts 01:57:00
0 spoken words

Tuesday, July 19, 2005

When I found out what is it that's blocking you from loving once again, I felt the most intense hurt and pain ever...

I felt punished.

hearts 16:38:00
0 spoken words

Too many things hidden within me.
It's time to let them all go.

hearts 04:04:00
0 spoken words

Monday, July 18, 2005

To dream of a car accident, symbolizes your emotional state. You may be harboring deep anxieties and fears. Are you "driving" yourself too hard? This dream may tell you to slow down before you hit disaster. You need to rethink or re-plan your course of actions and set yourself on a better path.

Just wanna say to you, thanks for everything.

hearts 14:28:00
0 spoken words

Sunday, July 17, 2005

I've been dreaming that I'm smoking in my dreams and every morning I wake up craving for the smell of it or some alcohol to be injected in me.

To dream that you are smoking, indicates that you are trying to shield yourself and others against your emotions. You have trouble letting others in.

I don't know what's wrong with me. I only find myself thinking about you every single minute. Complete. I only feel complete when I'm by your side. Maybe you don't feel the same. Maybe some other girl is the perfect fit for you.

I should just walk away. Walk away for you to seek your own happiness.

Forgive me for my selfishness.

I'm holding on to something that everybody is asking me to let go.
To the dreams we once shared.
To the future we once pictured.

I'm still waiting.

hearts 02:43:00
0 spoken words

Saturday, July 16, 2005

The question and answer just kept flashing through my mind. The torture, the anguish... it's too painful. Shut me up. Just shut me up.

hearts 04:12:00
0 spoken words

Theres a guy and a girl sitting in a restaraunt and they r together. the guy looks out the window and then at his girlfriend. the girls back is facing the window and his face is facing the window.

GUY: do u love me?
GIRL: what?
GUY: do u love me?
GIRL: why r u bringing this up? weve talked about this.
GUY: i know, but what if something happened to me and i never found out if u really did love me?
GIRL: well its just gonna have to wait. Im sorry but im not ready.
GUY: ok, i wanna play a game
GIRL: ok, how do we play.
GUY: alright its starts out like this (he looks out the window again) when i count to three, u have to lay ur head down really fast. ok?
GIRL: umm, ok
GUY: ok ready? (he looks out the window again) 1 ........(he looks) 2.........3....( he gasps
after he looks one more time) now!!

She lays her head down and hears a loud bang, and the window breaking behind her, one bang
right after another.

***on the news the next day***
In Corona yesterday, there was a shooting at a local restaraunt. The survivor was a young woman, i have been told that the shooter was her ex boyfriend and he was coming back for revenge on her for dumping him. He was going to kill her by shooting her in the back. She told us that her new boyfriend was acting funny throughout the lunch, and that he was asking her if she loved him, she never did tell him. She told us in an interview that she regrets not saying anything because she did love him and now he wil never know. Luckily a local pedestrian tackled the shooter before he got another shot off at her. The police came and detained him.

If u love someone enough to take a bullet for them re-post this now.


Took this off Friendster. I know I will do it for you, will you do the same?

hearts 03:02:00
0 spoken words

Friday, July 15, 2005

A Brentwood housewife and her DA husband. A Persian store owner. Two police detectives who are also lovers. A black television director and his wife. A Mexican locksmith. Two car-jackers. A rookie cop. A middle-aged Korean couple…

They all live in Los Angeles. And in the next 36 hours, they will all collide…

A provocative, unflinching look at the complexities of racial conflict in America, CRASH is that rare cinematic event - a film that challenges audiences to question their own prejudices. Diving headlong into the diverse melting pot of post-9/11 Los Angeles, this compelling urban drama tracks the volatile intersections of a multi-ethnic cast, examining fear and bigotry from multiple perspectives as characters careen in and out of one another's lives. No one is safe in the battle zones of racial strife. And no one is immune to the simmering rage that sparks violence - and changes lives...

Funny, powerful, and always unpredictable, CRASH boldly explores the gray area between black and white, victim and aggressor…and finds no easy solutions.


Please please catch this movie cos it's just so beautiful!!!

hearts 16:12:00
0 spoken words

I wish you knew the things that went through my mind that night and how worried I was. You have no idea how I ran, with no care if my ankle was gonna swell on me again, towards you in fear...

At that point in time, I realised but you didn't.

hearts 15:41:00
0 spoken words

Your silence has became a drag.
I wish and I pray that your silence will be of no more..
And that that comfort would return.

hearts 02:26:00
0 spoken words

Thursday, July 14, 2005

Those who are confused as to what happened to me that made me so pissed off, here's my post at one of the forums seeking for opinions on what to do.

I used to go to this particular ktv pub and got to know some of my friends there. Due to an unhappy (nasty) fallout with an individual from the pub, I ceased patronizing that place.

Yesterday, my male friend and I decided to go down there for a look since it has been quite a while and he has heard lots about that place. We ordered our drinks and two new waitresses came and entertained my male friend.

Halfway through, I had to go out of the pub to make a phone call and the two waitresses spoke to my male friend about me. They asked him why he was still hanging out with me when I'm a slut. They actually used the word "jian" not slut but that's my interpretation. Then they carried on saying that I have a lot of "chou shi", indicating that I've a bad history. My friend replied back that the other individual, whom I had a fellout with, has his own set of history as well. They replied back that my friend shouldn't believe my statements.

As above, can anyone please tell me what should I do? I've not visited the pub for 8months since the incident and it's infuriating for me to learn that there's someone talking behind my back, especially to others that do not know me, and defaming me. I wanted to go up to them and clarify matters but my friends suggest that I don't bother. They say that those who know me and bother to find out, will know who's telling the truth.

However, my reputation has been tarnished greatly as such. Can anyone please advise me on my other possible options?

Those who are curious as to what led to the fallout and such, here's a summary of what happened between us.

He was two-timing. The girl asked me. I told her the truth. Girl "confronted" him and he left her at the pub with no cash. I passed her cash to go home but she went to his house instead to talk to his mother. He thinks I was the one who asked her to go to his mother for help and he gave me no chance to explain. Aside from that, he said that I claimed to be his girlfriend when he never acknowledged me. Yet, in front of other people, he called me his girlfriend before all these brewed up. So that's about it.

Now there. What should I do? I'm so pissed.

hearts 17:57:00
0 spoken words

Wednesday, July 13, 2005

I've heard some really infuriating things last night and this morning. I'm considering a lawsuit cos I'm just so pissed.

hearts 14:38:00
0 spoken words

Tuesday, July 12, 2005

if i could turn back the hands of time, i wish i never knew what it's like to taste the forbidden fruit.

hearts 13:28:00
0 spoken words

Your Seduction Style: Ideal Lover

You seduce people by tapping into their dreams and desires.
And because of this sensitivity, you can be the ideal lover for anyone you seek.
You are a shapeshifter - bringing romance, adventure, spirituality to relationships.
It all depends on who your with, and what their vision of a perfect relationship is.

What Is Your Seduction Style?

hearts 01:30:00
0 spoken words

My priority in life has always been somewhat different from others. Was talking about valuation with some friends and I realised that I value things rather differently from others. One mentioned that I've opportunities to go overseas to study and experience a totally different life yet I'm seeking for things that I can't get. He continued by saying that if he was me, he would treasure those opportunities.

Another said the same to me. Studies and careers should come first. Matters of the heart - let nature takes it's course. Told me to stop dreaming of my fairytale wedding or worrying whether I'll be alone or happily married. He then prompted me to try and stop thinking. I wasn't able to do so. Even for that one second, I found myself thinking of things that I wanna do yet prioritise them differently from others.

We are all uniquely different. Sometimes, I look at myself and see an optimistic cynic. Yet, many other times, I see a jaded individual. My other friend said to me that he always found me interesting cos of my thinkings.

Priorities. How do people decide the values of the different life's aspects? I really wanna know but for now, I know I'm gonna continue dreaming of the fairytale wedding that was to be but never will be.

hearts 01:16:00
0 spoken words

Monday, July 11, 2005

"To be hurt and and to be in pain but would God have such a bitter plan in store for me?"

If you've read my previous post, you'll notice that I've extracted that above sentence from it. Why did I do that? Cos before I decided to retreat to my own little world, God spoke to me through my wallpaper. My wallpaper changes everyday with quotes from the bible and today, it displayed something that truly caught my eye and for once, I felt that God is truly reaching out to me.

"'I know the plans I have for you,' declares the Lord, 'plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.'"
--- Jeremiah 29:11

If this is true, then I shall await for the unravelling of Your divine plans.

hearts 05:07:00
0 spoken words

The feeling of shivering in the cold as the rain falls right on you and you're fighting back your tears - it's pure pathetic.

I probably never felt more pathetic in my life. Never felt so alone. Then I realised that all the things that I've been running after, are running further and further away from me. They all became a blur to me and I saw myself trying to run after them with all my strength and determination but they were running too fast. It's like the snail chasing after the leopard - impossible.

Daunted by this sudden emotion of failure, I just collapse into my tears. Cold and crying - that's probably one of the worst situations a person will ever wanna be in. The people around me was probably shocked, wondering what is this girl crying over? Didn't she just had her moment of fun in the sunshine? But here I was, in the dreary cold weather, shivering and barely clothed - crying my heart out to the Lord.

I kept wondering to myself - what is it that I've done wrong? Have I not love whole-heartedly and fully? Have I not been a good girlfriend? When I ask these questions, my friends, ex-boyfriends and all would reply that I did love whole-heartedly and that I've been a very good girlfriend so why is it that one after another, they just keep hurting me?

Maybe it's my fate, my destiny. To be hurt and and to be in pain but would God have such a bitter plan in store for me? Even Job had his good days before the season of storm rained over his household. When is my season of sunshine ever gonna come? Am I gonna be just stuck out in the rain and never given shelter?

The things I've been chasing after have become nothing more than just a speck in my vision. They have gone far away from me and there's nothing I can do about it. Maybe some day I'll be able to answer all these questions. Maybe God has a bigger plan for me but whatever it is, He's breaking me so much that I'm barely breathing. I'm walking on the fine line between life and death. Just one more push... and everything will be over.

I'll give anything to have you here, right now, holding me, kissing me and loving me and forever is our goal.

hearts 00:54:00
0 spoken words

Sunday, July 10, 2005

I am Strength

Strength represents patience and compassion. Getting angry is easy when events turn sour, but dealing calmly with frustration takes great strength. So does accepting others and forgiving mistakes. We need strength to mold situations softly. The Chariot controls through mastery and authority. Card 8 is more subtle, even loving. Notice how the lion (itself a symbol of strength) is being guided and tamed by the woman's gentle hands.

For a full description of your card and other goodies, please visit LearnTarot.com

What tarot card are you? Enter your birthdate.

Month: Day: Year:

showing strength
  • knowing you can endure
  • having a gallant spirit
  • feeling an unshakable resolve
  • taking heart despite setbacks
  • having stamina
  • being a rock

being patient
  • dealing calmly with frustration
  • accepting others
  • taking time
  • maintaining composure
  • refusing to get angry
  • showing forbearance

being compassionate
  • giving others lots of space
  • tolerating
  • understanding what others are feeling
  • accepting
  • forgiving imperfection
  • being kind

achieving soft control
  • persuading
  • working with
  • guiding indirectly
  • being able to influence
  • tempering force with benevolence
  • demonstrating the strength of love

Usually we think of strength in physical terms - big arms, powerful legs - but there is also inner strength. Inner strength comes from an exercise of the heart muscle. It is perseverance, courage, resolve and composure - qualities that help us endure when times are tough. In the past, a person with inner strength was commonly said to have character; he or she could be counted on in the darkest moments. Card 8 represents this energy of quiet determination. Strength is not a flashy card, but one that is solid and reliable.

Card 8 also represents patience and compassion. Getting angry is easy when events turn sour, but dealing calmly with frustration takes great strength. So does accepting others and forgiving mistakes. We need strength to mold situations softly. The Chariot controls through mastery and authority. Card 8 is more subtle, even loving. Notice how the lion (itself a symbol of strength) is being guided and tamed by the woman's gentle hands.

Card 8 will appear in a reading when its qualities are needed. It can be a reminder not to despair or give up. You have the inner strength to endure and triumph. If you are pushing too hard, you need to withdraw for the moment and be patient. If other people or circumstances are driving you crazy, remember the strength that comes with love and forbearance. These will see you through the hardest moments.

hearts 03:42:00
0 spoken words

Today, I saw a friend off at the airport. It isn't the first time I'm sending a friend off to Down Under but still...

My eyes fell on that one guy that stood out from the crowd. The one guy that I know my friend has trouble leaving behind and that's when my mind got flooded with questions...

Is it really possible to leave anything behind just by walking through those glass doors and turning your back at the very place you've come to know so intimately?
Is it really possible to have no emotions when you cross through those doors?
Is it really possible to leave with no baggages?

Then I saw my friend hugging that one guy and I saw her tear as she bravely took her luggage in hand and walked through those glass doors. I realised that I couldn't. Like her, there's someone, besides my family, that I don't wish to leave behind. That there's someone whom I've been hoping to leave behind in my past yet I want him so much to be in my future.

I find myself in near tears as I thought of the day that would come when I've to bid him farewell. A while ago, if you asked me, I would say I want nobody there to send me off except for my family members but now, I would say... I just want him to be there - hugging and kissing me goodbye.

I'll be waiting for you.
For your return.
To our little room of love.

hearts 03:22:00
0 spoken words

Saturday, July 09, 2005

How I wish September is here now...

Just wanna leave behind every single thing that has tangled me down so far. Just wanna break away from this vicious cycle.

Yet, deep in me, where sanity still prevails and my senses are still active, I know it's not my surrounding that needs changing but me.

Am I really that strong to keep searching for a love that can remain true to me for eternity? A man who will honor his vows - "till death do us part"? Am I even worth all of these as I continue to question every single factor that contributes to me...

They say when God created us, He made a partner for each and every one of us. Who is this partner of mine? Will I continue searching and end up like Elizabeth Taylor - 8 marriages and still nothing? Or will I be like Will Smith and Jada Pinkett Smith - happily ever after? Or will I be like Princess Diana - a dream royal wedding, only to be in deception through it all and death is her finale?

I find myself growing tired of the game. If I could only convince you to just stay and fulfill those words....

hearts 02:55:00
0 spoken words

I'm getting tired. Really tired.

Sometimes I wish I was numb,
Then there will be no hurt and no pain.
Yet, I wish I could feel,
To experience joy and happiness.

Sometimes I wish I was deaf,
Then there will be no sounds of sobs.
Yet, I wish I could hear,
To experience the sounds of laughters.

Sometimes I wish I was mute,
Then there will be no hurtful words.
Yet, I wish I could speak,
To experience the communication of love.

Sometimes I wish I was blind,
Then there will be no ugly or grim sights.
Yet, I wish I could see,
To experience the beauty God created.

Wayne said I've a strong heart. I just think that I'm too stubborn to give up on love.

hearts 01:04:00
0 spoken words

Thursday, July 07, 2005

Honestly, if you're not willing to sound stupid you don't deserve to be in love.
-- Emily Friehl from A Lot Like Love

hearts 18:39:00
0 spoken words

Sunday, July 03, 2005

When silence became my only voice,
Retreat became my only action.

When cynicism became my only belief,
Depression became my only emotion.

When "I" became my only friend,
"I" became my only enemy.

So much kept within.
Decay has set in.

hearts 23:15:00
0 spoken words