walking contradiction

25 years old.
a girl of irony.
studying in university of new south wales - ba/llb.
living and let live.
truly blessed by His and his love.

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Monday, May 31, 2004

What is it like to sit in front of your PC, listening to songs that echoes about heartbreaks continuously whilst reading about someone's blissful love life?

Envy.
Bittersweet.
Anger.
Cynicism.

Emotions will rise to cloud your very vision and evil thoughts will penetrate into your thoughts, making you pray that they will know the meaning of heartbreak. Love is but a instrument for torture and hurt. It isn't meant to be blissful. That's the cynical side of me speaking.

Yet, as I take a back seat. Take a breather and look at the home my parents build for me and my siblings. As I stare and remember how they've lovingly been together for 20 years through all tulmutuous times and all the uplifting periods. As I stare in marvel as my grandpa lays silently asleep with thoughts of him thinking about my grandma. Love exists. Blissful love do exist; it just eludes me.

Jeffrey and Sharon constantly reminds me that I'm still young and that I've yet to meet the right guy. But tell me, what right guy can there be when I see my heart pointing in none but one direction? And that tears still roll in the middle of the night as memories invade the serenity of the dark.

How can love be such a bliss yet an instrument for destruction? Hasn't love been the cause of the launch of a thousand ships in Menalaus' bid to gain his wife, Helen back in the legend of Troy? Wasn't love constantly pictured as the catalyst of catastrophe? I used to be a bouncing little girl who dreams only of the purest of people and love. Now, look at me. Sullen, depress and all self-pitying. I just wish that the Maker would come and take me away for the much needed slumber.

As I drink myself silly night after night, Toy, Kelvin, Jeffrey and Anna by my side, I just wish he could see how tortured I am. Ejay preparing jugs after jugs for my pleasure. Me, hiding my tears behind that smile of mine. Retreating very so often into the ladies to give myself the much desired privacy.

What is love? Can anybody tell me? I, often professing to know enough about it to stay clear from it, can't answer even such a commonly asked question. I can't even read about people's blissful relationships without letting the green monster grab me in full.

But I pray. O yes, I pray that these friends of mine will gain eternal happiness for even if I'm fitted for a lifetime of despair, it'll be comforting enough to see others that I care about, genuinely happy and well taken care of.

hearts 03:14:00
0 spoken words


I'm going on a mission trip!!! I'm so freaking excited. I've all the green lights. This is something I've been waiting for ALL my life.. :D

hearts 01:55:00
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Saturday, May 29, 2004

I failed Web Design. Does it speak enough?

hearts 07:46:00
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Wednesday, May 26, 2004


omg. this is my favorite fish there! i'm so amazed by this fish. it's so huge!!! Posted by Hello

hearts 06:35:00
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row of single storey chalets. i just love them! Posted by Hello

hearts 06:35:00
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lobby in the daylight. doesn't it just feel so relaxing? Posted by Hello

hearts 06:35:00
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I hate it when I'm sick cos when I'm sick, it means I've too much free time on my hand which means it'll lead me to getting addicted to some weird lame game. So why am I saying this cos the guilty conscience of mine is biting hard into my heart. Ya. I've gotten addicted to a particular game I've sworn off in the past. In fact, I even claimed that it was a stupid and immature game, which by the way, ain't a lie. It is a stupid and lame game. :p Save my sanity.

So what's this damn game I'm talking about? It's gunbound. Ya. I know I'm kinda slow in this fad but hello, I wasn't sick or was never that bored. Besides, I never blew off a date with Christy before in the past unlike now. I totally told him to not call me out for at least a week. So ya, all those bimbotic stuff must be getting into my head. I feel so 'lulu' right now. Yes, I watched Daddy's Girl - that lame bimbotic film save for Vernetta Lopez's participation in this sitcom.

I feel so 'Lulu'. -argh- Save me someone. Amanda, Yusuf - if any of you are reading this, I need Sims badly to save my sanity. I rather slog 24 hours in front of my lappie playing Sims than go ga-ga over Gunbound. Save my sanity!!!!

hearts 00:22:00
0 spoken words

Tuesday, May 25, 2004

I've managed to upload 2 pictures of Ubin resort. I'll be uploading the rest of it soon and hopefully, you'll understand why I'm so in love with that place besides the fact that Christy works there. =P

hearts 18:04:00
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captivating view of it in the night Posted by Hello

hearts 18:03:00
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my favorite retreat Posted by Hello

hearts 18:03:00
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I've been having weird dreams so often lately that it's getting to disturb my sleep. I can wake up continuously through my supposed slumber due to the twist of events in my dream. I mean they are not even real but they haunt me in my daily thoughts. I wonder if they have any meanings to them but I'm unable to tell. I tried searching for some of their meanings at dream intepretation websites and here are some of them.

School
To dream that you are in school, signifies feelings of inadequacy and childhood insecurities that have never been resolved. It may relate to anxieties about performance and abilities. You may also be going through a "spiritual learning" experience. If you are still in school and dream about school, then it will naturally serve as a backdrop to your dream world.? Alternatively, a dream that takes place in school may be a metaphor for the lessons that you are learning from your waking life.?

High School
To dream about high school, refers to the bounds and friendships that you made while you were in high school. What spiritual lessons have you learned? The dream may also be telling you that you need to start preparing for the real world.

To dream that you have to repeat high school, suggests that you are doubting your accomplishments and the goals that you have already completed. You feel that you may not be measuring up to the expectation of others. The dream may occur because some recent situation may have awakened old anxieties and insecurities

School Bus
To see a school bus in your dream, suggests that you are about to venture on a life journey needed for your own personal growth.


And this is just one of the many dreams I've been having. In another dream of mine, here's some description.

Rape
To dream that you have been raped, suggests a sadistic expression of sexual desire. You may be expressing an unconscious desire to be violated, conquered, or forced into forbidden territory. It also indicates vengeful feelings toward the opposite sex. Alternatively, it suggests that you are feeling violated in some way. Something or someone is jeopardizing your self-esteem and emotional well-being. Dreams of rape are also common for those who were actually raped in their waking life.

Tunnel
To see a tunnel in your dream, represents the vagina, womb, and birth. Thus it may refer to a need for security and nurturance.

To dream that you are going through a tunnel, suggests that you are exploring aspects of your unconscious. You are opening yourself to a brand new awareness. Alternatively, it indicates your limited perspective.

To see the light at the end of a tunnel, symbolizes hope.

Pregnant
To dream that you are pregnant, symbolizes an aspect of yourself or some aspect of your personal life that is growing and developing. You may not be ready to talk about it or act on it.? This may also represent the birth of a new idea, direction, project or goal.


Of course the most common thing in all my dreams are always -

Die
To dream that you die in your dream, symbolizes inner changes, transformation, self-discovery and positive development that is happening within you or in your life. Although such a dreams may bring about feelings of fear and anxiety, it is no cause for alarm and is often considered a positive symbol. Dreams of experiencing your own death usually means that big changes are ahead for you. You are moving on to new beginnings and leaving the past behind. These changes does not necessarily imply a negative turn of events. Metaphorically, dying can be seen as an end or a termination to your old ways and habits. So, dying does not always mean a physical death, but an ending of something.

On a negative note, to dream that you die may represent involvement in deeply painful relationships or unhealthy, destructive behaviors. You may feeling depressed or feel strangled by a situation or person in your waking life. Perhaps your mind is preoccupied with someone who is terminally ill or dying. Alternatively, you may be trying to get out of some obligation, responsibility or other situation.

To see someone dying in your dream, signifies that your feelings for that person are dead or that a significant change/loss is occurring in your relationship with that person. Alternatively, you may want to repress that aspect of yourself that is represented by the dying person.

Crying
To dream that you are crying, signifies a release of negative emotions that is more likely caused by some waking situation rather than the events of the dream itself. Your dream is a way to regain some emotional balance and a way to safely let out your fears and frustrations. In our daily lives, we tend to ignore, deny, or repress our feelings. But in our dream state, our defense mechanisms are no longer on guard and thus allow for the release of such emotions.?

To wake up crying, suggest the grieving of your soul and that you need to change your ways.

To dream that no one hears or responds to your cries, represents your helplessness and difficulties and frustrations in trying to communicate with others. You feel that your words are falling on deaf ears. Perhaps your dream is telling you to be more vocal and work harder to get your point across.

Sea
To see the sea in your dream, represents your unconscious and your transition between your unconscious and conscious. It also often represents your emotions. The dream may also be a pun on your understanding and perception of a situation. "I see" or perhaps there is something you need to "see" more clearly. Alternatively, the dream may indicate a need to reassure yourself or offer reassurance to someone.?

Drowning
To dream that you are drowning, signifies that you are overwhelmed by emotions or repressed issues that is coming back to haunt you. You may be proceeding too quickly in trying to discover your unconscious thoughts. If you drown to death, your relationship will fail or you will suffer major business losses. If your survive the drowning, then your relationship will be rescued by some intervention. You will rise to a higher position of wealth and honor.

To see someone drowning in your dream, suggests that you are becoming too deeply involved in something that is beyond your control. Alternatively, it represents a sense of loss in your own identity. You are unable to differentiate who you are anymore.


-sigh- Of course these are but the minimal of the things I dream about. There are far more stuff in my dreams that are more in depth and more disturbing.

my thoughts can't be heard...

hearts 17:32:00
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Did something new today and I'm so proud of it cos it's all done by little moi here! :) Hopefully it will be done soon. Spoke to Christy today and I swear I miss that man so much. Just the other day, I thought I picked up his scent from a distance but nah, it wasn't him but some chinese guy.

I'm still sick. As always. Brother asks is there anything new with me being ALWAYS sick. Well, erm, no arguments with that I guess.

hearts 01:49:00
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Sunday, May 23, 2004

I wish I knew what to say. Wish I knew what to do. Wish I knew how to take away this deep sense of emptiness. That feeling of loss and helplessness. It's just so difficult to lead a life like that. I seem to be stuck in a tunnel where no light is peering through and all I have is my sense of touch to guide me through. I feel so trapped with no opening and no glimpse of light anywhere near. I wanna run yet I'm afraid.

She fell unto her knees and shivered in the cold air...

I started crying. Started praying. Started lamenting out loud to my Lord. I felt so abandoned. So unworthy. So useless. I can't seem to get anything right. I'm dwelling in self-despair and I seem to be enjoying this self-destruction route. I know the further I walk down this path, my vision will pixelate till nothing can be see anymore. I know I need to run for the light but my legs seem to have a mind of their own. No. I can't run for the light. I'm running down this lane, sinking... sinking...

Her tears became blood red as she exhausted herself out...

I couldn't sleep the entire night. Stirring and tossing under my comforter. Staring out into the starry sky. The city was lit at it's brightest. Buidlings across mine were lit corridor after corridor. The sky was illuminated by the city lights yet the stars didn't shy away. The moon stayed faithfully, glowing at it's very best. Vehicles making the late night trip hom were speeding down the highway. Blaze of lights went shooting past my very glance. Light. There is light. The light is always there.

She lifted her head and stared through her bloody eyes and saw a line of straying light shining through...

hearts 23:44:00
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Went to church today. Maybe I'm feeling lethargic. Maybe I'm just restless. The words spoken - I heard it all in but they just seem so unreal! How can I cast away my old life and begin a brand new one? How can I not fix this life of mine? This is MY life. The events made me who I am now so why must I cast it aside?

I couldn't understand.

After church, I loitered around and spoke to some of my churchmates, mainly Ai Chen and she seemed so happy. Seriously, it's good, in fact wonderful, to be able to rejoice in the Lord cos I seem to have lost that drive. I headed down to Outram after all that.

ACURA aka Jeffrey was kind enough to bring us to his bar. It's a cosy little corner at Outram with techno, house and nice, soothing ballad mix. I know it's kinda weird but it's actually pretty nice. The place isn't overcrowded and his partners are very easy to get along so it's like a place where you feel so at home. One jug of housepour at $23. Seriously, that sounds pretty cheap to me. -laughs-

Anyway, I had vodka cranberry and vodka lime today so I'm kinda weird out. Went above my normal cap limit of 3 cups and went up to more than 4 cups. God knows how much I drank today but it's also the first time in so many weeks that I actually felt alive.

intoxicate me with the venom. drown me out.

hearts 07:10:00
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Saturday, May 22, 2004

Flashbacks. That's what I encountered at my reunion with my secondary school friends. Those laughters. Innocent laughters. Childishness. Innocence. Purity. At it's very best. But there was a spot of darkness within the group. A sore thumb sticking out. Completely different and outcasted emotionally from the group.

Me.

Looking at how they innocently planned their future, I could only envy and marvel at them. How I wish I could plan a future for myself. A future of happiness, not uncertainty. They spoke of pure love. Spoke of relationships with such child-like gaze but me, this devil amongst the angels, could only speak of it cynically.

They asked me why things ended between Mervin and I and Christy and I. I told them plainly the truth. They looked at me in amazement. They seemed to be in awe yet disgust at how I've been leading my life since I left that chinese school of mine.

"Your life seems very interesting. I wish I could have a life like yours. Very happening ah?"

Yes. My friend. My life is interesting but I would pay millions to gain the simplicity in life and the happiness of it all. I rather have a stable relationship with someone I know I can count on for the rest of my life than to hop from one guy to another. Do I love to go to pubs and drink? Hell no! But that's the only way I know to eliminate that element of loneliness from my heart. Yes. I do feel lonely. I may have a great bunch of friends but loneliness seems to be part of my life, as depression seems to be.

Pardon me whilst I take flight. I'm just different. I can no longer connect in that same innocent way. My life has taken on a totally different path from all of yours.

"Hui tou shi an."

My friend said that to me. It means turn back whilst you still can. Turn what back, I ask. There's nothing I can turn back from. This is the life I'm so accustomed to. I can only pray that someday, I'll gain the courage to stand firm on my feet once again.

I just wanna be free...

hearts 02:25:00
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Friday, May 21, 2004

I guess most of you know of my plans to go US for further studies though I've been rather reluctant about it. Ya. It's the great America dream but there's that bastard who constantly says sweet nothings but does nothing and then there's that idiot who thinks he knows me so damn well. And then of course there's so many other wonderful friends that I just can't bear to leave behind! I don't know if I can even SURVIVE getting myself to the airport. I'll probably leave without notice. Just blog as normal then when I reached L.A. - drop a note and say "Hi from USA!"

Seriously, it ain't all glamor as the day draws closer. I tried to push the date further and further back by refusing or claiming to have forgotten to sign up for my SATS. But this time round, I think God must be telling me, "Time's up! Game's over." cos my mum went to take the SATS registration form and a whole load of information on studying in USA. She's even getting ready to register me for some weird prep course. -sigh-

The more you try to run away, the faster it'll run to catch up..

Went for cell group today. I just couldn't pay attention. Don't know if it's my flu or I knew that something's gonna happen. I just do not know. It's just so irritating. I swear I feel like killing or at least, yelling at Christy for being such an irritating idealistic idiot! What makes him think I will never get mad at him??? -argh- The worst part is my friends said that I should just not bother about it. But in reality, I still care for that idiot.

Call me names. Call me anything. Just hold me tight...

hearts 01:25:00
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Thursday, May 20, 2004

Seriously, after last night, I'm more than certain that you have little or no respect for me.

STOP saying you miss me cos it's bullshit. If you really do miss me, YOU'LL make the time to come look for me. If you really do miss me, YOU'LL inform me beforehand that you can't make it. EXCUSES! You're always full of excuses.

Work. You're always using work as an excuse to say you can't make it for the day. I tell you it's bullshit. It's because in your heart, there is no 'me' to begin with. I think even your friends get better chances meeting you than me. You always say sweet nothings. But don't you get it - they're NOTHING.

You can get drunk on a working day. I don't see how matured that is or how wonderfully in control you are of yourself. You always say you're setting your priorities right. Now let me tell you -

YOUR PRIORITIES ARE ALL WRONG!

hearts 18:13:00
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Wednesday, May 19, 2004

Does saying sorry change anything?

No. It doesn't.

The past is the past and will always be the past.

hearts 01:32:00
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Tuesday, May 18, 2004

Hm. You said you wanted
To meet me but no news.
I messaged and you kept delaying
Till 1 am struck the clock.

In that drunken state,
You called and spoke
The words that my heart yearned
But I turned cold and banished it.

You said you missed me
A little, not alot
But a little and
Whether I felt the same.

I said to you nothing.
There's no point in it
As things are different.
Saying things will only hurt.

hearts 06:03:00
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He called me. We were supposed to meet today. He sounded so stoned over the phone. When he asked me if I missed him, I really wanted to say, YES I DO!!! But I held back and said, "I'm not saying. You're stoned." He was like, "I miss you." And all I could say was, "That's good."

Don't ask me to say too much. Saying things will only lead me to more pain.

hearts 02:50:00
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Monday, May 17, 2004

Hangin out by the sea,
Sound of the waves serenades,
Touch of the breeze soothes,
Looking at the sea spread out.

Sun was shining kindly and warm,
Beads of perspiration streamed
As voice of laughters echoed
Through the echoing walls.

Youths running around, dripping wet,
Skin darkened due to sun's exposure,
Voices chirpy and cheery
For another good windy day.

There You stood, silent and fatherly,
Watching over Your little sheeps.
You are the shepherd dedicated to all
And we shall never stray for You are here.

hearts 00:09:00
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Sunday, May 16, 2004

Your only son, no sin to hide
But You have sent Him
From Your side
To walk upon this guilty sod
And to become the lamb of God

Your gift of love they crucified
They laughed and scorned Him
As He died
The humble king they named a fraud
And sacrificed the lamb of God

O lamb of God sweet lamb of God
I love the holy lamb of God
O wash me in Your precious blood
My Jesus Christ the lamb of God

I was so lost I should have died
But You have brought me to
Your side
To be lead by Your staff and rod
And to be called a lamb of God

O lamb of God sweet lamb of God
I love the holy lamb of God
O wash me in Your precious blood
Till I am just a lamb of God

-- Lamb of God

hearts 02:13:00
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I had my service today and I prayed for you. You know, God told me that He'll not forsake you but your doors are closed. All He could do is await for you to open that door once again for Him to enter.

As humans, we've so many questions in our head. Why this? Why that? I think we must be the most confused lot of creature ever to grace this Earth. It's amazing to see how, the only thing we surpass other animals, is our brain. We lost out in all other aspects. Yet, God made us in His likeness. The irony.

I think there's gonna be lotsa questions in my head tonight. God, just let me fall into slumber k?

Thanks.

Got Sonia to pray today. =)

hearts 01:59:00
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Saturday, May 15, 2004

Decided to take the test that Amanda posted on her blog. Felt that it was pretty interesting. Here's my results.

1. You are attracted to those who are warm and obedience.

2. In the process of courtship, the approach that would make you
feel irresistable is patience, never give up on you.

3. The impression you would like to give to your lover is loyal,
faithful, never change.

4. What you hate most in your partner is that the person is
ruthless, cold-blooded, and/or ironic.

5. The kind of relationship you would like to build with your
partner is one that you care not only about the present but
also the future with your partner, a long-lasting relationship
that you can grow with.

6. You care about the society and morality, you won't do anything
wrong after marriage.

7. You think of marriage as a precious thing. Once you get married,
you'll treasure it and your partner very much.

8. At this moment, you think of love as a committment for both parties.

hearts 03:45:00
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Today's the last episode of Spice Siblings. I've never been so intrigued by a drama serial such as this since I left Chung Cheng. I've never had the desire or desperate need to watch the entire series back-to-back. Spice Siblings must be the ONLY drama serial that really spoke to me about family kinship.

The character that Jeanette Aw plays, Wen Qing, is just one that I admire. One that's gutsy. One that's responsible for all the actions she has taken and her willingness to forgive and forget. Her strong character and undivided attention to Tay Ping Hui's character, Wen He, just tore me up in my heart. I could see how much she was holding back when she knows she HAS to let him go.

Those who know why I have such a bittersweet liking for Tay Ping Hui will probably also understand why I admired Wen Qing so much. Her strong spirit. Her impulsiveness and everything about her just reminds me of somebody from the past. Just that that fellow is no longer around. No, she traded that for someone else whom she thought would keep her most precious from leaving her.

She held back as much as she could even though, like Wen Qing, she knew she had to let him go.

Tears threatened to flow down her wrinkled cheeks.

hearts 00:04:00
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Friday, May 14, 2004

When I saw your tears rushing down your face, I really wanted to rush up to you and give you a good hug.

But I knew nothing could take away the pain of losing someone so dear to you. We are all worried for you. Thoughts of your well-being have been haunting us as we wish to get to have some personal time with you. But we know how difficult it is for you to open up so we swallowed our discomfort and allowed you to grieve at your own pace.

We're all here for you. Maybe in months or years, I'll be far away from you, but believe me when I say we're here for you. Despite the distances between us both, I'm just a phonecall away. Day or night, 24hours 7 days a week, I'll be there to listen to your sobs.

hearts 20:55:00
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Troy simply rocks. I mean I love the entire historical feel to it. The entire notion of patriotism and fighting for the right leader. Achilles' eventual love for Briseis is just so overwhelming. I swear I would have cried if not for the fact that I'm immune to emotions. Rather, emotionless.

Catch Troy if you all can. I promise you, this show will NOT disappoint.

hearts 01:32:00
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Thursday, May 13, 2004

I wish I knew what to say or do. I feel so inadequate in this alien world that I'm living in. People look at me and say, "hey, you're wearing a cross. What are you doing here, drinking vodka lime - cup after cup?" That disapproving yet lustful look in their eyes would just echo warning signs in my head.

Don't get me wrong. Not all guys are like that but I've seen so many of such men that I've grown so cynical about men and love. Tell me. What is love when sex seems to be in the mind of all men and their brains seem to be in their dicks, rather than their head? It gets kinda frustrating as I spend hours after hours in the dead of the night, arguing with God on all these issues. Clearly they are still bothering me. I'm losing sleep over something that should be simple to understand but the human mind just complicates matters so much worse.

hearts 18:51:00
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Despite the loom of dark events occurring in my social circle, I'm proud to state that I'm gonna be giving tuition to one of Peifang's students. LOL. Will be teaching English, Maths and Science. She's so worried that I'll screw that little kid up. Well, she has reasons to believe that I will but nonetheless, it's worth a cheer after all the downs.

Friday is coming by soon. The funeral will be then. I just hope God will prepare her heart well enough for that inevitable event. *sigh*

hearts 03:01:00
0 spoken words

Wednesday, May 12, 2004

After reading what you wrote, I finally understood. I've been stale for so long that I enjoyed the moss growing on me. Though I still have doubts and my dependency on mortals are high, I'll try my best to do what is asked of me. I'll try my best to do what He has said.

Went for the wake today. She looked so tired. So enervated. She seemed to have lost all the will in the world yet she carried on laughing by our sides. I could tell how much she's hurting but no words were able to express the anguish or comfort her grieving heart. How I wish she didn't have to go through such an event. Sudden. Robbing her of her dearest. It's too cruel even for me to see.

As I imagine her tears flow in the night, I can only pray for God's blessing upon you and your family's souls. I can only pray that your hearts will be comforted. But I know nothing I do, can ever erase the pain of losing someone so dear.

I'm here.

hearts 02:07:00
0 spoken words

Tuesday, May 11, 2004

Girl,

I really wish I knew what to say. Knew what to do to make all these pain go away. Knew what to do to stop the tears from falling. Knew what to do to comfort you to sleep tonight. But girl, I've no idea what to do or say.

I can only be the pillar by your side - supporting you. I can only be the listening ear - hearing your sobs echo in the night. I can only be there for you but I assure you, rain or shine, day or night - I'll be there.

I'll be there to catch you when you fall. I'll be there to wipe away every single tears that rolls down your cheek. I'll be there to talk to you and listen to your every word till you fall slowly into slumber.

And girl, I'll be praying to the Lord that your pain will be relieved soon enough. Hard it may be, but girl, I know you're strong enough to pull through. I'm here. Always here. Ready to lend a shoulder anytime.

Friends forever. *huggles*

hearts 01:54:00
0 spoken words

Monday, May 10, 2004

Girl,

I know how hard the ride's gonna be. I know how clouded your visions might have become but girl, remember that we're always here. We're here to stand by you through thick and thin. We're here to listen to your tears in the night. We're here to listen to the irony in the day. We're here.

We always will be.

Friends Forever.

hearts 14:53:00
0 spoken words


Why? Why? Why?

I've so many questions in my head just bursting to be answered. There are so many 'what ifs' that I have in my mind when both of you sang the same tune. How am I to accomplish something that I consider as an impossible feat?

I'm just not accustomed with restricting myself to that extent. I've alot of questions I wanna ask. Shouldn't we view all as equals so why are we classifying ourselves now? I don't understand. I'm confused. I feel so lost.

Lord,

I love you. And I seek to be more like you every single day. I'm trying every single minute to accept my past and everything about me. I'm trying every single minute to deliver my burdens unto you. But Lord, why is it that now I realise that there's a distinction of class? Why is that so? I do not understand. BZ says it's to protect us but Lord, what protection is there if all I see is other souls dying just cos nobody bothers to be reach out to them in a kinder manner? I've heard so many complaints about Christians being aloof. Lord, is that what should be of us? I don't know, Lord. My understanding of your words seem so different from the rest. Am I blinded by Satan? God, help me through this. Help me seek the answer I need to close this chapter.

Amen.

hearts 04:03:00
0 spoken words

Sunday, May 09, 2004

I had only 1 full meal today! Cheers! Only downside was I slept from 0200hours to 1700hrs today. I was so tired. Public Relations really did me in. I just pray that I'll pass. That's all I'm asking for. I just wanna pass all my modules!

Besides all this little details of my life,

HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY

I love you, mum, but I know you don't really see it most of the time. :)

hearts 23:22:00
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I haven't slept for more than 24 hours! *gasp* Horror above horror.

Joshua and Jacob commented that I've grown fat. I'm officially on a diet. Any objections will be futile.

Had a talk with Ernie. It was an enriching conversation. Today was probably the first time since a long, long time ago that I realise, I'm always saying 'I'. I don't know if he realised it but I'm still so freaking obsess with 'I'. When can I ever learn to use the term 'We'? This life is not jsut all about me, it's about so many other things.

*sigh* I seriously need to grow up.

hearts 03:25:00
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Saturday, May 08, 2004

I called. We talked.

You messaged. We exchanged them.

You called. We talked.

You messaged.

I called. We talked.

The End.

hearts 00:55:00
0 spoken words

Friday, May 07, 2004

I've a secret wish embedded within my soul. A wish that I've spoken to no one about. A wish that only my heart knows dearest. Should I embark on it though many might think it's unwise? Should I continue as planned to fulfill the others' wishes?

Headache above selfishness. Which should I cave?

hearts 01:35:00
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Thursday, May 06, 2004

*cries*

One of my ghost knifefish passed away!

I'm in grief...

hearts 02:18:00
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"Doctor said there's a lump in my breast..."

I think many of you probably still recall that scare episode in my life. Not too long ago but long enough to be considered history to some. However, it isn't. The lump is still there. It's not at the breast, rather, it's at my pelvis area. It hasn't subside and I'm not gonna see a doc for it.. anymore.

That line above was taken from the show - Spice Siblings. I love to watch that drama serial cos it kinda sums up my Mum's side of the family pretty much. I love to see the way Jeanette Aw acts as some big bitch when all she is is a softie at heart. I love to see Tay Ping Hui portray that loving daddy and caring son image when all he is is a dying man. It's a show that's so filled with contradictions that I love it. I've never been exactly a big fan of Chinese drama serials but this damn program caught my eye alright.

Anyway, that line hit home and I started wondering to myself...

If only.. if only I could die.

Yes. I still have my suicidal thoughts, though more or less under control. I'm human afterall but an imperfect one who's so keen on exploiting and covering them up. I remember describing myself to Mervin as a girl whom some might feel is a total bitch who's just whining to get some male affection and how some might feel is a totally cute girl who deserves to be pampered. The extremities in description just prove to show that I'm a girl whom many will love to hate and hate to love. There's just this never dying love-hate relationship between me and my audiences. -bows-

Life's just a piece of drama. I act on it. I speak my lines as directed by the Man above. I do my stuff and hopefully, the curtain will fall on me soon. It seems I've overstayed on this stage as the clown character in this play. I've done my bit to liven the stage and audience, isn't it time for me to get off it? Not so, apparently.

Was supposed to meet up with Ernie for dinner today but came down with headache once again. I swear I shall never play bouncing on the bed again. That accidental knock on the back of my head just sucks. It hurts man, till now. Damn. Can't I just grow up? -whines-

I wanna be a baby...

Whatever. Enough bitching for a day. God probably wanted me to spend more time with my little porcelain doll cos I had to spend another long morning with her and trying to get her to sleep. Seriously, doesn't any 6 year olds go to bed on their own anymore? -shakes head-

Those were the days...

hearts 01:12:00
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Wednesday, May 05, 2004

I didn't go out with Pillai today. In any case, I wasn't exactly looking forward to it either. Last night's sudden revelation just led me to think further about lotsa stuff and how I've been handling the various issues in my life. It got me thinking and I stayed up all night, wondering if what I've been doing is wrong or right. I know nobody's perfect in this world but I wanna know if I've done enough to minimise the flaws of my mortal body.

As I stayed up all night thinking about these issues, I was appointed the task of taking care of Sonia at the very last minute. I was wondering to myself, how tough can it be to take care of Sonia? Except that I didn't count on her waking up much earlier than expected and being such a ball of energy at that wee hours of morning. (To me, anything before noontime is considered wee hours.)

By the time my grandma got here, I was already fast asleep, exhausted by the sleepless night before and that prancing little doll that never seems to get tired. I slept till about 1400hrs and in horror, remembering that I was supposed to meet Ms. Ang at about 1300hrs. I immediately logged online and received an email from her asking me about my no-show. I was horrified and apologized profusely as I seriously was extremely apologetic for not showing up without informing her. Thank God she gave me another chance. Praise the Lord.

Christy called me just before I woke up. In fact, his call woke me up. I've set his ringtone to Forbidden City's Why Dream of Love as it's my favorite ringtone. When I heard it play, I thought I was dreaming - why would Christy call me? I was practically shaken when I heard his voice. I missed his voice so much. He called to ask me how I've been, whether I'm fine and to tell me that he's now back at the resort. He says he's gonna call me again tonight. I am confused by his sudden call and of course, wondering why is he calling suddenly? Maybe he met another girl, a better girl than me? I won't know. How will I know. All I know is that I miss him...

And for once, I can truly say... I miss you... for you.

hearts 00:10:00
0 spoken words

Tuesday, May 04, 2004

Beizhen, you're right. I couldn't get to sleep.

Earlier on in the night, Amanda spoke to me about some stuff and it made me realise that I've not been doing much to help myself. Kinda got me all down again and I cried. But I'm glad I'm cried cos it made me realised how much I've been missing out by unknowingly shutting myself out from the whole world.

I logged offline earlier, I swear I did, to spend some quiet time with the Big Man above. I just laid there, teeth not brushed, face not washed, smelling like some disgusting swine and I just spoke to Him. I told Him I'm really sorry for being so half-hearted and for doing things that I promised I won't EVER do again. I told Him I'm sorry and that I really wanna be led back to church. Then I tossed and turned further till I heard Him say, "don't be lazy. go wash up now."

Got up. Went to brush my teeth, wash my face, clean up and then head on back to bed. I laid down and tried to get to sleep but hell no, some things were still not right. I felt uneasy and that irritating headache was still persistently knocking against my skull. So I thought to myself since I can't sleep, why not go back online?

Great idea isn't it? Except that I caught side of Rick Warren's The Purpose Driven Life and felt the need to read it all of a sudden. The book was bookmarked on Day 20 - Restoring Broken Fellowship. I was like, "wait a sec.. what's this all about." God must be saying some things to me so before I proceeded to read the book, I prayed again. God must be wondering what's up with my spiritual highness out of the blue. But ya, I prayed and I read.

Then as if it was instantaneous, I logged onto mIRC and said sorry to Mervin. Don't ask me what for and why. I've zero idea and clue. All I knew was after I read the book, I felt a need to say I'm sorry to Mervin, Christy and ya, Ann as well, and to rebuilt the friendships that we once shared. I know it's kinda weird, in fact, it's freaking me out big time. But I've prayed to God and asked Him to help me with it. I don't know what's in store for me and I've no idea how receptive they're gonna be and of course, the reactions of those close to me.

Trust me, I think my head needs to be hit one more time to get it back on track. I feel weird out right now.

hearts 03:51:00
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I'm constantly dreaming about my own death. I've no idea why...

-------

Die

To dream that you die in your dream, symbolizes inner changes, transformation, self-discovery and positive development that is happening within you or in your life. Although such a dreams may bring about feelings of fear and anxiety, it is no cause for alarm and is often considered a positive symbol. Dreams of experiencing your own death usually means that big changes are ahead for you. You are moving on to new beginnings and leaving the past behind. These changes does not necessarily imply a negative turn of events. Metaphorically, dying can be seen as an end or a termination to your old ways and habits. So, dying does not always mean a physical death, but an ending of something.

On a negative note, to dream that you die may represent involvement in deeply painful relationships or unhealthy, destructive behaviors. You may feeling depressed or feel strangled by a situation or person in your waking life. Perhaps your mind is preoccupied with someone who is terminally ill or dying. Alternatively, you may be trying to get out of some obligation, responsibility or other situation.

To see someone dying in your dream, signifies that your feelings for that person are dead or that a significant change/loss is occurring in your relationship with that person. Alternatively, you may want to repress that aspect of yourself that is represented by the dying person.

hearts 01:38:00
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Dear friends and myself,

I'm sorry for sounding like you-know-who and was extremely disgusted in finding out who I've, in some way or another, manifests myself into that manner. Thanks Amanda for pointing out that disgusting trait that I share with you-know-who and I'm never gonna bash myself in that same self-pitying manner again.

Thanks Priya, Davina, Rehana, Amanda and to everyone else for standing by me.

Please remind me if I ever make the same kinda disgusting mistake, as above.

Lotsa love,

Clara

P.S. I really love Sivert. ^_^ Can I marry him? LOL.

OMG. It's so embarrassing...

hearts 00:38:00
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OMG. Call me a bimbo. ANYTHING but Sivert is definitely HOT material.

My gosh. Those beauty treatments for Rachel. How much more in tune can a man get to a woman's psyche? The lingerie shopping. OMG. Sivert, you can take me shopping ANYTIME. My gosh. The show is ridiculously stupid but Sivert, you make my day.

Damn you Christy. Introduce him to me now!!!!

Crazy over Sivert...

hearts 00:31:00
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Monday, May 03, 2004

Took this test that I saw on someone's blog. The results didn't exactly shock me but neither did it pleased me. Nonetheless, the results are such.

Interpretations below:

I.
Priorities in your life:
family
love
career
money
pride

II.
You would describe your own personality as being Loyal
You would describe your partner's personality as being Snuggly
You would describe your enemy's personality as being Well-adapt
You interpret sex as being Bittersweet
You would describe your own life as being Heavenly

III.
Jabriel will never forget you.
You consider Rehana as your real friend.
You really love Herng Jye.
Your soul-mate is probably Mervin.
You will always remember Christy for the rest of your life.

hearts 02:27:00
0 spoken words


2 days ago, Reh asked me a very interesting question. She asked me if I'll ever mind going out with a girl, as in relationship kind. I was rather shocked by the question as we've never talked about this before or rather that openly. So I replied her with a wary 'why?'. Then she remarked, "I think you won't mind."

-lol- Yes. I do not mind hanging out with girls romantically but I ain't gonna publicise that to the whole world to hear. Pillai asked me out for Tuesday. Yet to give him a definite answer. I mean I don't mind going out with him on a date and all that shit but I don't wanna give him the wrong idea. I know just by replying his messages, I'm already fanning the fire but I seriously can't be the least bothered. If guys can toy with my feelings, why can't I toy with theirs? -bitchy whine-

I'm just such a bitch. Always thinking the world's dealing me the worst set of cards when I probably got one of the better sets. Gotta wake up my damn self-centred idea man. Dammit. It has been almost 2 weeks since Christy and I parted ways and at times, I miss him like craps but at times, I don't even think about him. I wonder...

Do I miss him or do I miss the company? I've seriously no idea. I guess I like the idea of having a man by my side cos I'm afraid of being alone. Yet when I'm in a crowd, I crave loneliness. I'm just like this walking contradiction with the word 'irony' written all over it. I must be such the PERFECT specimen to showcase what a human is.

NEVER satisfied with anything!
COMPLACENT about EVERYTHING!
Thinks the WHOLE world OWES her!
Thinks she's GODSEND.

I must be the most self-centred bitch EVER to live on this planet. I just love bashing myself. No idea why. I'm just such a weird freakass. But being this bitch that I am, I just feel so comfortable in this skin. It's like the perfect camouflage to cover up those blemishes that bears scars deep within. This skin is just so perfect in making me look so confident when all I am is just a coward.

Gimme a gun or something and I'll probably shoot this mortal body of mine a million times. I'm just so disgusted by it. Seriously, how can anyone love me? I don't believe and can EVER understand how that is possible. I must be the most selfish, arrogant, insensitive, bitchy, outrageously pathetic girl EVER to grace this Earth's surface. Ya, you're right, Mervin. If I can't love myself, how can anyone love me? -lol- That's why I'm very certain that all those pathetic dickass only want my number for one thing - FUCK.

So fuck off all ya dickass. You ain't on my list no more.

Reh says I should stay off Indians but I think I need to stay off ME.

hearts 02:04:00
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I dreamt of you last night.
How I miss your prickly chin from your shaved beard.
How I miss your bald head shining under the street lights.

I miss you baby
But you will never know.

hearts 00:26:00
0 spoken words

Sunday, May 02, 2004

Happy birthday girl.

Hope you enjoyed today.

hearts 01:26:00
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Saturday, May 01, 2004

I just saw my new DREAM PHONE!!!

Sony Ericsson Z1010

Don't tell me it's bulky.. blahblahblah. Cos I don't care. Sony Ericsson is never not bulky anyway. =P

I want that phone.

Sony Ericsson Z1010. It's gonna be freaking EXPENSIVE!

hearts 02:57:00
0 spoken words


I was at Parco Bugis. Then it all started coming back to me. It's disgusting how things go and I just keep thinking and thinking about the past. It's just wrong for me to do so. When you chose to say goodbye and I respond alike, the doors were shut. No lights were allowed to shine through that room of yours, as it laid closed in darkness.

But at that very moment, I thought I saw a light shining into it, through it's little keyhole. I was tempted to open that door, to see what it has in store. However, I took a black tape and walked briskly towards the door. I sealed the keyhole with that black tape. No light can be seen shining through now. Yes. I shut it out. When I chose to walk away, I knew there was no turning back.

I've made a choice and loved another. I will not turn back... anymore.

hearts 01:07:00
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