love.alpha and omega.
went to church for service today for SCHOOL purposes. did i enjoy myself? not really. like a rebellious kid placed in front of mediators, who tried to get her to submit once again, i stared, i glared and i left. it's not that i don't love daddy anymore; i still do but i'm still very angry with Him. i hear them talk about how He loves us and how He watches over us. then i heard myself shouting in my head, "bullshit." where does all of these anger comes from? i don't know. probably cos of buddy. probably cos of everything. came home. ate my char siew bao and reflected on my poor behavior in church. i felt really bad for being so defiant but i tried to reason with myself. He did take buddy away. He did all of these. i mean, if He's omnipotent, omnipresent and all that omni-shit, then why did He allow buddy to die? but i still do love daddy, except now, i'm just a little lost and a little angry. love. He is love.
am tired but i refused to budge from my laptop. started to blog-hop. chanced upon quite a couple of old blogs of people i know. then the topic of love came upon me again. i read the old logs of these two individuals and i started to feel sorry and sad. then i read my own old logs - from here and my secret blog (it's secret so don't even bother asking). then i started thinking about one person - gary.
he's one guy that i'm really baffled by through out the course of 2 years that i've known him. i mean this guy genuinely cares for me. this guy made me believe that i can be loved. BUT he's married. i started wondering how life would have been like for the both of us, if not for his marital status? would we be planning for happily ever after? would we even had taken all those chances? i really don't know. i remember me telling him that i just can't help it but like guys who will only hurt me towards the end. he said he couldn't understand why and i stayed speechless.
then of course, there's always mervin. the first guy whoever really taught me how to love and be loved. he, a non-christian, was the very person who actually persuaded me to return to church after i ran away from church for a good 10 years. i remember, before being with mervin, i was this non church-going christian who firmly believe that sex before marriage is a big sin. then he came along and of course, that belief was converted. i don't know what i'm trying to drive at here but love can make a person do so many things for his/her partner that i truly find it amazing.
the in-betweeners after mervin and before gary are all just a blur to me. i recall a friend asking me, "what happened? you looked so innocent back then". death of the innocence probably came after i lost so many times in the game called Love. for a period in life, i refused to submit myself into the game, believing strongly that as long as i had buddy, i'm set for life. i can do it on my own. then of course, the very persona of love - God - decided to take him away and make my life a living hell.
then i read those blogs that i mentioned much earlier and really, i began feeling so sad for myself, especially my former self. i would have teared if i wasn't this tired. it was so painful to see how love can turn a innocent and child-like soul into nothing more than a cynical and jaded person. but i'm grateful that i actually read those blogs cos it actually made me feel alive once again and i woke up from my long slumber in cynicism. at a time when everything seems to be going all over the place in my life and for a person who actually craves for the theatrics of life, i finally submitted myself to a silent prayer. i prayed for a simple life. i know my past hasn't been the most perfect; probably too stained to be even considered anything but tattered old rags but i genuinely crave for some form of stability now.
but i've been on my own (sort of) for so long. i'm so used to the ambiguity of love, relationships and sex. my friend said i'm too comfortable. maybe he's right. i am too comfortable. still, i really wanna be able to blog about about some guy that i'm so completely taken over by. i wanna be able to declare to the entire world that i can finally feel once again. i wanna feel the warmth of love. i wanna rediscover how it is like to be in a proper relationship once more. i just wanna be alive - i mean really alive.where there's love, there's no fear.so let my guard be down,and let my heart finally feel.for this old soul of this young ladyonly wants to be alive once again.
note: mum, i know you're reading all of these so please don't panic and send me sms asking me if i'm alright cos i am alright. :p just in my those train-of-thoughts moment again.