walking contradiction

25 years old.
a girl of irony.
studying in university of new south wales - ba/llb.
living and let live.
truly blessed by His and his love.

Created by Wedding Favors

time constrained

another dimension

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benje. carol. crystal. daniel ho. davina. doreen. evelyn. ingrid. iniQx. jac. jess. julian. karen. kimberly. leon. li en. mabel. melissa. nick. shirley. stefan. xiaowei. yee huat. yusuf. zhong ying.

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. feelings and thoughts .

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Tuesday, October 31, 2006

i don't dare to sleep.
i don't wanna wake up to the next day.
neither do i wanna see the sunrise.

i don't wanna realise that the very next night, i'll be on my knees, crying once again for you to hear.
i don't wanna realise that the very next night, i'll be reduced to nothing but a shrimp on my bed as i recount our memories.

i don't wanna.
i don't wanna.

we were supposed to be buddies for life.
but i'm still here.
and you're not.
and it hurts. it really hurts.

hearts 03:25:00
0 spoken words

completely, utterly naked.
my shell is exposed.
i'm vulnerable.
so vulnerable.

hearts 00:03:00
0 spoken words

Monday, October 30, 2006

Tulip: 23 August - 22 September (Virgo)
Tulip: Gentle and refined, Tulip cares for others at the deepest level.

photo taken by dav
editted by lala
florascope taken from

hearts 18:41:00
0 spoken words

Something Isn't Right Here
- The Juliana Theory -

Something isn't right here.
You've gone and left me on the ground.
Something isn't right in this world called confusion.
You gave it all away before you could lose it.
Something isn't right here on the ground.

You never said goodbye.
You died.
You chose to carry on a lie.
Something isn't right here.
You've gone and left me on the ground.

i thought i was over the crying. i thought i've finally accepted that you're gone. i thought i can finally let you go.

then tears started to well up in my eyes as i stared at your photo. your profile that i set up for you. and i realised i've just been deceiving myself.

just a few more weeks to go and i'll be back home but somehow, it's just not the same. it's not the same without having me calling you and asking you, "bud ah bud, when am i gonna meet you?" it's just not the same without having you telling me, "how about now? we go for supper la." it's just not the same anymore.

2 more days.
i will close my eyes.
i will utter my prayers for you.
i will hug blues to bed with me.
i will say once more how much i miss you.

and will you, will you come visit me once more?
hold my hands once more?
and tell me that everything, everything's gonna be just alright?

so stand tall, embrace the sun in your arms, spread your hands, live for tomorrow. cos tomorrow is when we excel our very best. be strong okie. i'll be there, here, everywhere, if you need me. bestest pals 4eva.

love hj.

i will stand tall for you.
i will embrace the sun in my arms for you.
i will spread my hands and live for tomorrow.
i will do them all for you.

loving you always, buddy, always.

hearts 16:53:00
0 spoken words

Sunday, October 29, 2006

It is good to have an end to journey toward; but it is the journey that matters, in the end.

-- Ursula LeGuin
and so i believe that for us, it is good. i will treasure the memories we had, smile as i recall the love we once shared and tear for the times i must have broken your heart. but still, it's the journey that mattered and for that, i thank you for being my companion in this journey that had to end. though deep within, i wish the journey didn't have to end and you could be my companion through life, i know that this is for the best.

What you do every day should contribute to giving your life meaning. If it doesn't, why are you doing it?

-- Don Hutcheson
have i done anything that might have contributed to giving my life a meaning? how can we know if what we're doing could one day possibly be giving our lives a meaning of some sorts? we will never know can we? still, the wise will always say to learn from others' mistake but my retort will always be the same. how can we learn when we've never experienced?

hearts 23:59:00
0 spoken words

in the day, the purple tulips bloom as my heart closes it door to its former occupant. i'm sorry i couldn't reply your message. i just didn't know how and i didn't know what to say. i wish i knew why i'm finding it hard to reply you but for now, all i can say, once again, is i'm sorry.

the beautiful purple tulips bought by dav. lovely lovely. blooming in the sun. ah. the beauty captivates my heart.

halloween came early this year. in the night, the people in black danced as the pope walked around, the skeleton came out of the closet and o, i thought i saw a fairy or two. ah yes. with the poison in all our system, we grooved to the music and giggled in the cold.

from left to right: lawrence, dav, me, nick, tina, chermain, jon and matthew.

hearts 20:15:00
0 spoken words

Saturday, October 28, 2006

in 4 days time, it would be 4 months since i last said goodbye to you.
in 4 days time, i would revisit our memories once more.
in 4 days time, prayers will be my only communication tool with you.
in 4 days time, will you come visit me once more?

4 days to 4 months.
never have 4 months seem so long yet so short.
i miss you, buddy.
i miss you.

hearts 15:31:00
0 spoken words

Friday, October 27, 2006

had a sudden thought to search for my old blog today and i found it. reading through it, i just kept smiling.

all the declarations of love i made. all the childish antics i subjected him to. 17 years of age. look at me now. lol.

time can really weather a soul.

hearts 04:12:00
0 spoken words

my favorite store in singapore has just launched their website (or i haven't been looking hard enough. :p) here it is - fond hugs and i'm just so in love with their new range of tops, bottoms and footwear. o my gosh. my love.

i want my lifetime membership with them! :x

hearts 03:05:00
0 spoken words

Thursday, October 26, 2006

i thought it won't matter to me no more. then i saw those words "when you sulk, i weep" in your msn personal message and a train of thoughts just came flooding in.

who is the "you" you're talking about? i truly wonder. you used to tell me stuff but now silence is our only way of communication.

i should be letting go.
i should be.
pardon me if it's taking quite a while.
i just never really wanted to let go...

but i should.

hearts 15:34:00
0 spoken words

If I Never Knew You
- Jon Secada & Shanice -

(male solo)
If I never knew you, if I never felt this love
I would have no inkling of how precious life can be
And if I never held you, I would never have a clue
How at last I find in you, the missing part of me.

In this world so full of fear, full of rage and lies
I can see the truth so clear, in your eyes, so dry your eyes
And Im so grateful to you, Id have lived my whole life through
Lost forever, if I never knew you.

(female solo)
If I never knew you, Id be safe but half as real
Never knowing I could feel a love so strong and true
Im so grateful to you, Id have lived my whole life through
Lost forever, if I never knew you.

(male solo)
I thought our love would be so beautiful
(female solo)
Somehow we make the whole world right
I never knew that fear and hate could be so strong
All they leave are worthless whispers in the night
But still my heart is saying we were right.

(female solo)
If I never knew you
(male solo)
There is no moment I regret
(female solo)
If I never knew this love
(male solo)
Since the moment that we met
(female solo)
Id have no inkling of how precious life can be
(male solo)
If our times auspicious as that
Is here at last.

I thought our love would be so beautiful
(female solo)
So beautiful...
Somehow we make the world right
(female solo)
I thought our love would be so beautiful
We turn the darkness into light
And still my heart is saying we were right.

(male solo)
We were right
And if I never knew you
(female solo)
And if I never knew you
(male solo)
Id have lived my whole life through
Empty as the sky
Never knowing why
Lost forever
If I never knew you

to you m,

i would have never known what life and love would be all about if i never knew you. the bittersweet taste that lingers well after everything is over, i would not have known. how much i can love, trust and tolerate, these i would never have learnt. so i wanna say thank you. a big thank you.

i know. now i know the time has come for us to both bid goodbye to this love that we once shared, that i once fought so hard for. if i see you again in the streets of singapore, i just wanna give you one last hug, one last kiss and for the last time, i will wanna say i love you.

i know i've done many things that weren't the best for the both of us. i know i've dealt the most damage to this relationship. despite all the name-callings and the lies you subjected me to, i just want you to know you're still a beautiful man who deserves to be loved by someone you dearly love.

don't isolate love for too long for i know you need the warmth more than i do. as i bid my goodbye to us, i pray that you will be able to experience true happiness soon. 5 years isn't a long time but the 5 years that i've loved you felt like eternity to me and i hope you know that i truly tried my best to love you the best i could. i'm just sorry that i failed to be your perfect girl, wifey and laopo. so smile for the world to see now and let love visit you once more as i depart from your life.

lotsa love,

hearts 01:55:00
0 spoken words

Wednesday, October 25, 2006

dav: you sound as if you want a good guy.

i blanked out for a moment when she uttered that sentence. i mean, seriously, who doesn't want a good guy in their life, especially if that good guy is their love? look around us. we all yearn for that special someone, except for those who have already found that special someone, who can listen to all our bullshit, wipe away our tears, bring on a smile onto our faces and simply be the one person who can love us, despite the time, the distance and the what-nots.

it's not my fault (maybe it is but for now, lemme assume that it's not my fault - it is my blog afterall) that i'm somehow only attracted to bad-ass guys who can only hurt me towards the end. of course there are good guys in my life but for most part, i'm frightened by their antics and sweet nothings. don't get me wrong. i love sweet nothings but just not from the good guys (don't ask me why, i'm just weird). maybe it's because i feel that i can't love them as much as they love me and maybe that's why i'm frightened. being me, i rather get hurt (so all the blame would not be on me - i'm evil so sue me) than to hurt the other party.

zhongying & ingrid: you know what i think? i think you just love the challenges these guys give. it's like you never seem to get them.

and of course, my beautiful girl pals will always hit the nail. it's true. those challenges are probably the one thing that really kept me going in my long-term relationships. the moment i get them, i seem to lose interest. except for maybe one person but of course, i won't have to utter his name cos everyone knows who he is (if you don't, you're probably not my friend).

still, i would love to be able to find a good guy (with some bad-ass attitude and challenges to keep me entertained) who will watch the sunset and sunrise with me, listen to my craps as i listen to his, wipe away my tears as i wipe away his and knowing i can bring a smile onto his face like he can bring a smile onto mine. ah. the beauty of hope.

the architect from matrix reloaded: hope, it is the quintessential human delusion, simultaneously the source of your greatest strength, and your greatest weakness.

hearts 21:58:00
0 spoken words

Tuesday, October 24, 2006

September 11th 2001, was the day of the terrorist attacks in New York City and other geographical points in the USA. The movie focus on the attacks to the World Trade Center towers, when two airplanes were hijacked and crashed on them that day in the morning. John McLoughlin (Nicolas Cage), was one of the police officers from the NYPD, who set one team to get into one of the towers and try to help to evacuate the building, among other crews of firemen and paramedics. Nevertheless, the collapse of the two towers took by surprise the team formed by 5 men and lead by McLoughlin, becoming trapped under the debris. McLoughlin and his team-mate Will (Michael Peña) are about to begin a traumatic period of time, unable to move a finger, feeling a killing thirst, with dangerous fires burning their bodies, dust and rubbles falling on their faces and the worst: unable to know whether some rescue team would come and spots them. Outside things aren't going well either. McLoughlin's wife (Maria Bello), with 5 children, is suffering watching on TV all the tragedy, aware of the fact that her husband was inside the building. Meanwhile, Will's pregnant wife (Maggie Gyllenhaal), finds herself passing through the same hell, wanting to know some news about her husband. Time is running for John and Will, whilst both of them are remembering their most happy days with their families, fearing that if they close their eyes for sleep, could be the last time.

caught this movie today and i cried. i remember crying when i saw the event unfold before my eyes on the 11th sept 2001 and now, i'm crying again once more as i see the courage held within those 5 police officers who went bravely in. 3 of them never came out alive, only John and Will, who were the 18th and 19th people to be rescued successfully from the site. only 20 people survived the collapsing towers.

as i watched the film, i laugh at the silliness as they recounted their lives with their family. smiled brightly as i hear them talk about the love of their lives. teared as they talk about their regrets and the thought of never going home. then my thought wandered over to buddy's death. what would i have said to him differently if i knew there will not be tomorrow for us anymore? what would i have done if i knew that the very next day, he will not be there to meet me for coffee?

what would i have done?
what would i have said?
my heart broke as i saw the two wives of John and Will suffer in anguish.
i cried. not just for the thousands of people who died that day due to a man's selfish ways in life. but for the buddy i lost and whom i never had the chance to tell him that i love him for who he was and that i'll never let him walk alone in the rain anymore...

but it's too late.

hearts 21:36:00
0 spoken words

"An emotion is an automatic response, an automatic effect of man's value premises. An effect, not a cause. There is no necessary clash, no dichotomy between man's reason and his emotions - provided he observes their proper relationship. A rational man knows - or makes it a point to discover - the source of his emotions, the basic premises from which they come; if his premises are wrong, he corrects them. He never acts on emotions for which he cannot account, the meaning of which he does not understand. In appraising a situation, he knows why he reacts as he does and whether he is right. He has no inner conflicts, his mind and his emotions are integrated, his consciousness is in perfect harmony. His emotions are not his enemies, they are his means of enjoying life. But they are not his guide; the guide is his mind. This relationship cannot be reversed, however. If a man takes his emotions as the cause and his mind as their passive effect, if he is guided by his emotions and uses his mind only to rationalize or justify them somehow - then he is acting immorally, he is condemning himself to misery, failure, defeat, and he will achieve nothing but destruction his own and that of others."
- Ayn Rand, "(interview)", "Playboy"

i actually find this a pretty interesting quote but in my tired state of mind, i can't seem to decipher what he's trying to say in this monologue of his. so pardon me now.

hearts 02:13:00
0 spoken words

i'm so proud of myself.
i finally changed the skin of my blog ON MY OWN.
yep, for the first time ever, it's not my sister, dav or some friend of mine helping me to change my blog skin.
i did it all on my own. :)

some feedbacks that i got,

nick: its nicer now.
dav: you did it on your own!

see! they're all positives then mabel had to come along...

mabes: eeee! omg la. so not you! so bright. hahaha but nice.

so yes, i feel triumphant for today!

hearts 01:05:00
0 spoken words

Monday, October 23, 2006

alpha and omega.

went to church for service today for SCHOOL purposes. did i enjoy myself? not really. like a rebellious kid placed in front of mediators, who tried to get her to submit once again, i stared, i glared and i left. it's not that i don't love daddy anymore; i still do but i'm still very angry with Him. i hear them talk about how He loves us and how He watches over us. then i heard myself shouting in my head, "bullshit." where does all of these anger comes from? i don't know. probably cos of buddy. probably cos of everything. came home. ate my char siew bao and reflected on my poor behavior in church. i felt really bad for being so defiant but i tried to reason with myself. He did take buddy away. He did all of these. i mean, if He's omnipotent, omnipresent and all that omni-shit, then why did He allow buddy to die? but i still do love daddy, except now, i'm just a little lost and a little angry. love. He is love.

am tired but i refused to budge from my laptop. started to blog-hop. chanced upon quite a couple of old blogs of people i know. then the topic of love came upon me again. i read the old logs of these two individuals and i started to feel sorry and sad. then i read my own old logs - from here and my secret blog (it's secret so don't even bother asking). then i started thinking about one person - gary.

he's one guy that i'm really baffled by through out the course of 2 years that i've known him. i mean this guy genuinely cares for me. this guy made me believe that i can be loved. BUT he's married. i started wondering how life would have been like for the both of us, if not for his marital status? would we be planning for happily ever after? would we even had taken all those chances? i really don't know. i remember me telling him that i just can't help it but like guys who will only hurt me towards the end. he said he couldn't understand why and i stayed speechless.

then of course, there's always mervin. the first guy whoever really taught me how to love and be loved. he, a non-christian, was the very person who actually persuaded me to return to church after i ran away from church for a good 10 years. i remember, before being with mervin, i was this non church-going christian who firmly believe that sex before marriage is a big sin. then he came along and of course, that belief was converted. i don't know what i'm trying to drive at here but love can make a person do so many things for his/her partner that i truly find it amazing.

the in-betweeners after mervin and before gary are all just a blur to me. i recall a friend asking me, "what happened? you looked so innocent back then". death of the innocence probably came after i lost so many times in the game called Love. for a period in life, i refused to submit myself into the game, believing strongly that as long as i had buddy, i'm set for life. i can do it on my own. then of course, the very persona of love - God - decided to take him away and make my life a living hell.

then i read those blogs that i mentioned much earlier and really, i began feeling so sad for myself, especially my former self. i would have teared if i wasn't this tired. it was so painful to see how love can turn a innocent and child-like soul into nothing more than a cynical and jaded person. but i'm grateful that i actually read those blogs cos it actually made me feel alive once again and i woke up from my long slumber in cynicism. at a time when everything seems to be going all over the place in my life and for a person who actually craves for the theatrics of life, i finally submitted myself to a silent prayer. i prayed for a simple life. i know my past hasn't been the most perfect; probably too stained to be even considered anything but tattered old rags but i genuinely crave for some form of stability now.

but i've been on my own (sort of) for so long. i'm so used to the ambiguity of love, relationships and sex. my friend said i'm too comfortable. maybe he's right. i am too comfortable. still, i really wanna be able to blog about about some guy that i'm so completely taken over by. i wanna be able to declare to the entire world that i can finally feel once again. i wanna feel the warmth of love. i wanna rediscover how it is like to be in a proper relationship once more. i just wanna be alive - i mean really alive.

where there's love, there's no fear.
so let my guard be down,
and let my heart finally feel.
for this old soul of this young lady
only wants to be alive once again.

note: mum, i know you're reading all of these so please don't panic and send me sms asking me if i'm alright cos i am alright. :p just in my those train-of-thoughts moment again.

hearts 01:48:00
0 spoken words

Sunday, October 22, 2006

decided on a date.
gonna call by tuesday to change the flight.

message me privately to find out the date.
i don't feel like revealing it here.

hearts 20:34:00
0 spoken words

Saturday, October 21, 2006

the fight. the running. the chasing.

memories were brought forth once again. i'm tired. mentally, physically, spiritually. i am tired. i read my past logs once again. those memory videos of us just came flooding back.

i was reminded of the day we finally went sentosa together, after me bugging you for like the longest time possible. i recalled your unhappy face and our argument at tiong bahru plaza. i recalled jeffrey leaving with his then girlfriend and him supposedly to meet us back there later. i saw myself running away from you at the mall cos i was so upset with you. i remembered you running after me and standing in front of me as i cried, leaning against the pillar. i recalled them all - the hugs, the kisses. everything.

i saw myself in him, as he ran. i saw you in her, as she ran after. the torment that i must have put you through - i'm really sorry. i've changed. you've changed. but there's still one thing constant. i wanna put an end to that constant, i really do. as i glance back to the past, i can't see the pain, the hurt; i can only see you and i in complete bliss.

my friend used to tell me that i live in a fantasy world. i dream of happily ever after with my prince charming who will come riding down in a white horse to take me away. is it wrong to dream? i wonder. i'm a cynic but when it comes to love, really, i'm still a child. i think it's so beautiful for a couple to be able to find true love. it's so beautiful to see old couples holding hands, guiding each other across the street. i still see us at times.

but i've made too many mistakes. too many. all i have left to say is i'm sorry but i know it doesn't mean a thing to you anymore. i remember you telling me to stop saying sorry because it doesn't make any difference. you're right. it didn't cos the event has already occurred.

now, i can only smile back as i watch those videos unfold. i can only cry as i try my hardest to let you go. i can only pray that one day i'll finally meet a man who can love me the way you once did and that i can finally love, love so innocently like before. i can only hope that my guard will finally be down and i can learn to trust a man with all my heart and soul once again.

you are the only one that i so willingly entrusted my entire life to.
you are the only one that i still pray for happiness and true love.
you are the only one that will always have a significant and special place in my heart.

these won't change.
no matter where i am, who i'm with, what i'm doing -
these won't change.

i promise i will try and let go once again.
and for the last time,
i'm sorry.

hearts 04:52:00
0 spoken words

Thursday, October 19, 2006

just finished my philosophy essay on death. i think it's probably my 4th time doing a topic on similar subjects. my first was in secondary school where i scored a high distinction for my essay on "Saying Goodbye". i probably was the only morbid one in class cos everybody wrote a narrative composition on it but i wrote an expository on it regarding death.

then years later, i began writing more about death for school or leisure purposes. the most distinct i could recall was probably my 3rd attempt on the topic - Goodbye - for my photojournalism portfolio. i had a hard time doing it cos i had said goodbye to myself. wayne probed and nudged me. asking me to feel once again. i felt and finally i managed to get a B for my portfolio.

now, as i write about death once again, it hit home so much more. the impact is so much greater. why? is it cos of buddy's death? is it cos of the deaths surrounding me? in less than a year, i've been dealt with 2 deaths. in less than a year, i probably never feared so much of losing someone dear to me. i still recall how i dismissed buddy's death as a joke when yuna first called me. i swear i would have ran away from the white tent with all my might, if it would mean you would still be alive today.

i still can't believe that you're gone. every morning that i'm awake, i just feel pain. i'm so numb of all my emotions but still, the pain could be felt. i wonder if i'll ever see you again. i wonder if i'll ever hold your hands once more. i wonder if you'll hug me again. these tears that i cry, will you ever wipe them off for me once more? i silently wonder.

death. i seem to know it so well. from every possible perspective of that word, i've been trying to familiarize myself with it's concept but still, i can't seem to grasp it well.

tell me you're happy now.
tell me you're living fine.

i'm going back home soon (though i haven't booked my tickets) yet there's a dreading feeling within me. you won't be there to pick me up for late suppers. you won't be there for me to share the many events that occurred whilst i'm here. you won't be there to tell me all that has happened to you. nope. you won't be there. once again, i'll be isolated to just a simple one-way conversation as i make my way down to choa chu kang columbarium. that's all i have left. that's all i have to left...

hearts 01:16:00
0 spoken words

Wednesday, October 18, 2006

what happens when i get bored?
i do all the weirdest quizzes available. :p

You're A Passed Out Drunk

Drinking gives you that warm fuzzy feeling, until you're thrown in the back of a police car...
What Kind of Drunk Are You?

haha. that's not new.

You Are 50% Boyish and 50% Girlish

You are pretty evenly split down the middle - a total eunuch.
Okay, kidding about the eunuch part. But you do get along with both sexes.
You reject traditional gender roles. However, you don't actively fight them.
You're just you. You don't try to be what people expect you to be.
How Boyish or Girlish Are You?

damn. i was hoping to be a boy. :(

You Are 80% Weird

You're more than quirky, you're downright strange.
But you're also strangely compelling, like a cult leader.
How Weird Are You?

my mum would be disappointed to learn i'm not 100% weird. :x

You Are 60% Cynical

Yes, you are cynical, but more than anything, you're a realist.
You see what's screwed up in the world, but you also take time to remember what's right.
How Cynical Are You?

i'm still not cynical enough. :(

You Are From Mercury

You are talkative, clever, and knowledgeable - and it shows.
You probably never leave home without your cell phone!
You're witty, expressive, and aware of everything going on around you.
You love learning, playing, and taking in all of what life has to offer.
Be careful not to talk your friends' ears off, and temper your need to know everything.
What Planet Are You From?

i knew i wasn't from Earth.

You Will Die at Age 55

Not bad, considering your super wild lifestyle
Want to live longer? Try losing a few bad habits.
What Age Will You Die?

what? so old? :(

You Are a Natural Flirt

Believe it or not, you're a really effective flirt.
And you're so good, you hardly notice that you're flirting.
Your attitude and confidence make you a natural flirt.
And the fact that you don't know it is just that more attractive!
What Kind of Flirt Are You?

gee. right. i'm sure this is so wrong.

You Are 28% Lady

You tend to make up your rules of etiquette, throwing all conventions aside.
And while you try to be a lady (sometimes), your behavior is often quite shocking.
Are You A Lady?

finally! something i agree on.

Your Seduction Style: Prized Object

The seduction game you play is tried, true, and still effective: hard to get.
You know that the best seducers turn the tables - and get their crush to seduce them.
The one running has the power, and you're a challenge that is worth the chase.

You are a master of enticing and pulling back. Giving a little and taking some away.
You are controlled enough to know rewards come after a long seduction dance.
Even though you want to call, email, or say "I love you" first - you don't!

You're style is the perfect mix of hot and cold - so much so that you have many suitors.
Think Holly Golightly from Breakfast at Tiffany's ... or any of those creepy guys from the Bachelor.
You're skilled at inspiring a chase. The real test is picking the person to slow down for.
What Kind of Seducer Are You?

er... BIG "ERRRR"

You Are 21 Years Old

Under 12: You are a kid at heart. You still have an optimistic life view - and you look at the world with awe.

13-19: You are a teenager at heart. You question authority and are still trying to find your place in this world.

20-29: You are a twentysomething at heart. You feel excited about what's to come... love, work, and new experiences.

30-39: You are a thirtysomething at heart. You've had a taste of success and true love, but you want more!

40+: You are a mature adult. You've been through most of the ups and downs of life already. Now you get to sit back and relax.
What Age Do You Act?

-gasp- shock me more. -bleah-

Your Dominant Intelligence is Linguistic Intelligence

You are excellent with words and language. You explain yourself well.
An elegant speaker, you can converse well with anyone on the fly.
You are also good at remembering information and convicing someone of your point of view.
A master of creative phrasing and unique words, you enjoy expanding your vocabulary.

You would make a fantastic poet, journalist, writer, teacher, lawyer, politician, or translator.
What Kind of Intelligence Do You Have?

i'm bored of the tests. nothing shocking at all. :(

hearts 03:05:00
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English Genius

You scored 92% Beginner, 100% Intermediate, 100% Advanced, and 80% Expert!

You did so extremely well, even I
can't find a word to describe your excellence! You have the uncommon
intelligence necessary to understand things that most people don't. You
have an extensive vocabulary, and you're not afraid to use it properly!
Way to go!

Thank you so much for taking my test. I hope you enjoyed it!

For the complete Answer Key, visit my blog: http://shortredhead78.blogspot.com/.

My test tracked 4 variables How you compared to other people your age and gender:
free online datingfree online dating
You scored higher than 0% on Beginner
free online datingfree online dating
You scored higher than 99% on Intermediate
free online datingfree online dating
You scored higher than 99% on Advanced
free online datingfree online dating
You scored higher than 99% on Expert

Link: The Commonly Confused Words Test written by shortredhead78 on OkCupid Free Online Dating, home of the The Dating Persona Test

i made 3 mistakes. wtf. i'm disappointed in myself. :(

hearts 01:34:00
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Sunday, October 15, 2006

i wanna run away to neverland, holding your hands whilst we fly around in joy and laughter.

i miss you so much, buddy.

will you whisk me away to neverland?
please say you will.
i miss you.

hearts 16:32:00
0 spoken words

Tuesday, October 10, 2006

talked to mum last night.
she said it's time i let him go.
it's time for me to let the matter rest.
it's time for me to move on from that darkness.

i kept quiet for a while, fighting back my tears.
i wanted to tell her it's too difficult.
i wanted to tell her it's too painful.
i wanted to tell her that it haunts me night and day.

how am i to let go when i'm constantly reminded by the fact that i was the last, besides her, engaged in a conversation with him?
how am i to let go when i, of all people, got upset with him cos he hadn't met up with me earlier and i delayed our promised meeting?

i blame nobody for his death but myself.
i see myself as the perpetrator.
i always thought of myself as a good friend but what am i now?
i stare into the mirror and i can only see sadness.

he was a good buddy to me, always there to guide me and hold my hands through all the turmoils in my life.
yet, i failed. i failed so terribly that he resorted to suicide to ease away the pain and suffering he was going through alone.

it's too painful.
it's too painful for me to even think for a split second that i should let him go.
cos i did and the end result was his death.

i'm sorry, buddy, i really am.
when i finally meet you again, i wanna say to you how sorry i am and i hope you'll forgive me.
i really hope so.

hearts 22:39:00
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Monday, October 09, 2006

Never Date a Cancer

Clingy, emotional, and very private - it's hard to escape a Cancer's clutches.
And while Cancer will want to know everything about you, they're anything but open in return.

Instead try dating: Leo, Sagittarius, Gemini, or Aquarius
What Sign Shouldn't You Date?

i've dated 2 leos, 1 sagittarius and 1 gemini i think. the elusive one is the aquarius but i think i'll pass on it. lazy to experiment for now. :p

hearts 17:41:00
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finally got my photos from jim. they were taken when he was here in sydney for a short visit. :)

chalk the walk: this photo is actually really 3D. fell in love with it like completely.

being carried by jim. screaming like a mad lady at opera house. :(

at my place, before heading out to fish market.

taken near the opera house.

jim, hope you've enjoyed your brief stay here in sydney. sorry for making you guys all cramp into my small little apartment.

hearts 03:09:00
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INFJ - The Counselor

You scored 50 I versus E, 40 N versus S, 40 F versus T, and 60 J versus P!

Your ideal romantic partner is known as the counselor. This type makes
a supportive and insightful romantic partner, encouraging their mates
to have dreams and work hard to make those dreams come true. Because
they are so creative, they have a wealth of ideas to help them toward
those goals. They need harmony so much that they are driven to resolve
conflict quickly, as long as the terms don't violate their strong
ethics. They feel the most appreciated when their partners admire their
creativity, trust their inspirations, and respect their values. It is
also vitally important that their partners be open and emotionally
available - in other words, that they be willing to share themselves

The group summary: idealists (NF)

The type summary: INFJ

My test tracked 4 variables How you compared to other people your age and gender:
free online datingfree online dating
You scored higher than 99% on I versus E
free online datingfree online dating
You scored higher than 99% on N versus S
free online datingfree online dating
You scored higher than 99% on F versus T
free online datingfree online dating
You scored higher than 99% on J versus P

Link: The Best Personality Type for You Test written by unpretentious2 on OkCupid Free Online Dating, home of the The Dating Persona Test

The Counselor Idealists are abstract in thought and speech, cooperative in reaching their goals, and directive and introverted in their interpersonal roles. Counselors focus on human potentials, think in terms of ethical values, and come easily to decisions. The small number of this type (little more than 2 percent) is regrettable, since Counselors have an unusually strong desire to contribute to the welfare of others and genuinely enjoy helping their companions. Although Counsleors tend to be private, sensitive people, and are not generally visible leaders, they nevertheless work quite intensely with those close to them, quietly exerting their influence behind the scenes with their families, friends, and colleagues. This type has great depth of personality; they are themselves complicated, and can understand and deal with complex issues and people.

Counselors can be hard to get to know. They have an unusually rich inner life, but they are reserved and tend not to share their reactions except with those they trust. With their loved ones, certainly, Counselors are not reluctant to express their feelings, their face lighting up with the positive emotions, but darkening like a thunderhead with the negative. Indeed, because of their strong ability to take into themselves the feelings of others, Counselors can be hurt rather easily by those around them, which, perhaps, is one reason why they tend to be private people, mutely withdrawing from human contact. At the same time, friends who have known a Counselor for years may find sides emerging which come as a surprise. Not that they are inconsistent; Counselors value their integrity a great deal, but they have intricately woven, mysterious personalities which sometimes puzzle even them.

Counselors have strong empathic abilities and can become aware of another's emotions or intentions -- good or evil -- even before that person is conscious of them. This "mind-reading" can take the form of feeling the hidden distress or illnesses of others to an extent which is difficult for other types to comprehend. Even Counselors can seldom tell how they came to penetrate others' feelings so keenly. Furthermore, the Counselor is most likely of all the types to demonstrate an ability to understand psychic phenomena and to have visions of human events, past, present, or future. What is known as ESP may well be exceptional intuitive ability-in both its forms, projection and introjection. Such supernormal intuition is found frequently in the Counselor, and can extend to people, things, and often events, taking the form of visions, episodes of foreknowledge, premonitions, auditory and visual images of things to come, as well as uncanny communications with certain individuals at a distance.

hearts 02:50:00
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talking to ingrid and zhongying just make me miss singapore so much more now. ah! i so wanna go back and like chill and club with them.

miss you girls!!

hearts 02:30:00
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Friday, October 06, 2006

i took this test before but the result is still the same

You Are a Visionary Soul

You are a curious person, always in a state of awareness.
Connected to all things spiritual, you are very connected to your soul.
You are wise and bright: able to reason and be reasonable.
Occasionally, you get quite depressed and have dark feelings.

You have great vision and can be very insightful.
In fact, you are often profound in a way that surprises yourself.
Visionary souls like you can be the best type of friend.
You are intuitive, understanding, sympathetic, and a good healer.

Souls you are most compatible with: Old Soul and Peacemaker Soul
What Kind of Soul Are You?

my friend was telling me that i had a weak heart. he said i appeared strong but has alot of fears. what he says is true but what he doesn't know is that my biggest fear has already came true - when i lost buddy...

hearts 01:58:00
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Thursday, October 05, 2006

i thought i saw you today at eddy's avenue. the guy must have thought i was mad cos i was staring so hard at him.

i feel like i'm going mad. seeing you everywhere. it's not healthy. i'm stressing myself out. i should be over the death... but i just am not.

tell me what to do.
tell me...

hearts 22:28:00
0 spoken words

Tuesday, October 03, 2006

received a good news from desmond about an hour or so ago.

area 11 npcc clinched champs once again in inter-area project-based competition. :) what wonderful and beautiful news. congrats guys and girls!

hearts 03:18:00
0 spoken words

Monday, October 02, 2006

i took it off today cos i was cleaning up my bathroom. i left it on my table and watch it reflect the sun's rays. it didn't wanna be removed when i tried to get it off. it seemed to be stuck but after much tugging, it finally did come off.

after cleaning up the bathroom and my room, i stared at it. my eyes squinting from the reflection of the sun's rays. i tried to put it back on but it started to feel really heavy. i was wondering what's wrong? has it shrunk under the sun? or have i grown?

i took it off today cos i was cleaning up my heart, mind and soul. i left it in the sunny rays of hope, watching it finally glow. it didn't wanna go when i tried to get it off. it seemed to be too comfortable but after much persuasion, it finally did come off.

hearts 13:49:00
0 spoken words

Sunday, October 01, 2006

it has been 3 months. it seems so weird that 3 months since your passing seems to matter so much to me. i remember how we can not meet for months and not talk for days and i'll still be fine cos i know you're living fine. now, it's like i am living in a constant trance-state manner, hoping to wake up one day to your phonecall.

i've never felt so numb for so long. my emotions seem to have gone into complete overdrive and died on me. i wish you could pinch me and say wake up. i wish you were here to listen to my woes still. i don't know who to turn to, now that you're gone. it's like everything is just swallowed down into my stomach. silence is my voice now.

i am not allowed to fall.

hearts 23:10:00
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