walking contradiction

25 years old.
a girl of irony.
studying in university of new south wales - ba/llb.
living and let live.
truly blessed by His and his love.

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Tuesday, March 30, 2004

Feeling damn sleepy right now. Just found out that the person who uploaded my picture onto sgGirls, uploaded Celine's, Crystal's and another Riverlifer's photos as well! The fellow's username is hotwire. Which idiot uploaded? Own up! I hate to be associated with that webbie. It's so freaking demeaning! Argh.

Shai is being charged with forgery. He didn't do it for pete's sake. But of course, Shan won't hear anything of it! Argh. So guys, those in MCM, please do come down at 11am tomorrow k? To sign a petition to seek redress for Shai! Gimme a ring tomorrow to find out where I am with my dear lappie. I think it's just plain sick whichever moron signed in for Shai on his behalf and has no guts to stand out. You wuss! Dare to sign in for him but don't dare to stand out. He don't deserve this, you wuss!

Called Darling just now and he's on his way to meet his lawyer friend again. I miss him really. -sigh- I told him he has to meet me soon. I don't care. LOL. We had a relatively long chat today. I miss him so much. Baby. D'ya know my arms are yearning to hold you and my lips are yearning to be pressed against yours? -muaks-

hearts 22:58:00
0 spoken words

Monday, March 29, 2004

Having a headache right now. Cleared about 4 - 5 assignments today! I'm so freaking proud of myself! =)

Went to school today and rotted most of the day away. Vincent PM-ed me that somebody uploaded one of my friendster's picture onto SGgirls. I'm so freaking pissed. Anybody who knows the target audience of sgGirls will understand why I'm pissed. I'm just hoping that Vincent will be able to get it off.

I told Darling about it and he doesn't sound please either. I just sent him the link to take a look. It's a harmless picture but I just don't wanna be associated with that website. Their reputation ain't all that clean.

It's our 5th week together... I miss you baby.

hearts 23:51:00
0 spoken words

It took me a while
To realise where we stand.
The crossroads inevitably
Will lead us apart.

Yet faith will tie me in,
To hold on to our love.
Wherever your job brings you to,
I've faith we will pull through.

Hope disillusions practicality.
Yet, darling, I hold on to it most.
May our distance not be an obstacle
But one that makes heart fonder.

Love, oh baby, ties us both.
Let it have its way through time,
Let it prove our destiny and fate.
Love, baby, is what ties us both.

hearts 14:04:00
0 spoken words

Never knew I could feel like this
Like I've never seen the sky before
I want to vanish inside your kiss
Every day I'm loving you more and more
Listen to my heart, can you hear it sings
Telling me to give you everything
Seasons may change, winter to spring
But I love you untill the end of time

* Come what may
Come what may
I will love you until my dying day

Suddenly the world seems such a perfect place
Suddenly it moves with such a perfect grace
Suddenly my life doesn't seem such a waste
It all revolves around you
And there's no mountain too high
No river too wide
Sing out this song I'll be there by your side
Storm clouds may gather
And stars may collide
But I love you until the end of time
(Repeat *)

Oh, come what may, come what may
I will love you, I will love you
Suddenly the world seems such a perfect place

-- Nicole Kidman & Ewan McGregor's Come What May

hearts 01:58:00
0 spoken words

Sunday, March 28, 2004

Woke up in the morning to pay a visit to someone I love so dear. Someone whom I still think of every now and then. Someone whom my tears will always flow for. I went to visit my grandma's tomb... today.

When I stood before her tomb to pay my respect, my reluctance to use joss sticks, cos it's against my religion, stabbed my heart from within. She sacrificed so much for me but I couldn't pay my respect to her the way she will want me to. I didn't do up to her expectations. I let her down by being such a spoilt individual. I'm sorry Grandma, I really am. I miss her so much. Sometimes, I feel as if she's just beside me, looking at me. Watching over my moves. Protecting and loving me still. I remembered how when I was young, I wanted so much to be with her forever... Only to realise that all good things have to come to an end.

After that, my family members and I headed down to Al-Azhar for breakfast. I had cheese and plain pratas. We were all FULL by the end of the breakfast. Father dropped Mabel off at her school for a nun Family day. LOL. Then we headed back home and I fell straight to sleep. Called Darling at about 1230hrs to remind him about the chalet but he didn't pick up so left him a message. He called me back and immediately asked me what am I doing. I told him I'm sleeping and he called me a bum. Then I told him, I freaking woke up at 5am this morning. He apologized and said he forgot I was gonna visit my grandma's tomb today. Anyway, he booked the chalet for me. Thankies darling!

3 hours of sleep later, I woke up in a frenzy. I was late to meet Lydia to help up with the Young Adults booth! I rushed all the way to my wardrobe, changed, grabbed my stuff and dashed out of the house. I prayed that my account will have money cos I'm totally cash-less and thank God, my prayer was answered. I took a cab down and went down to church. Luckily Lydia wasn't angry. -phew- Anyway, I'm in Video Ministry already but applied for Drama Ministry as well cos I just love drama so much! I missed drama class today cos of the setting up of booth but I think it's worth it!

When church service ended, I tried calling Darling but I think he was asleep so I just messaged him goodnights. Went to Giants then headed down to Siglap's Starbucks with Dora, Amy, Benjamin, Ren Hao and Ernie. I felt kinda out of place cos I wasn't invited to join them. Seriously, I felt super un-invited. Thank God, Edward messaged me to ask me to go down to Fat Frog. I went down to Fat Frog shortly after arriving at Siglap and had a great time with Edward, Cynthia, Tiffany and Gerald. I had 2 Carona Extras today! LOL. Ingrid wanted to meet me but I guess it was kinda far for her. I'm sorry girl! I'll meet up with you another day k?

Tomorrow's another day. I'm feeling kinda tired out. I miss Darling. It's gonna be a while till I get to see him again. Tomorrow I've got assignment due and I got 40 days of purpose to read! Joy to the Lord!

hearts 05:16:00
0 spoken words

Saturday, March 27, 2004

Went to school almost on time today! Hurray! Bless the Lord for that beautiful cab. =)

I love TV production. I just like being able to face the controls and know that I'm in control. That if I screw up, it's my fault and nobody else's. That if I did right, everybody will be pleased. It's just so fun. Mr. Ramani gave me an extended deadline for my articles and wants me to do more articles to give me more marks. He says he knows I can write so he don't wanna fail me. Thanks Mr. Ramani, for having faith in me. I promise I will reciprocrate. =)

Applied for a few positions at CTV today and I really wish I can get in cos I'm totally in love with TV. Elaine, one of the personnels from CTV, gave me a call just now and asked me to go down for interview at 1545hrs later today but I can't make it! Cos I've just promised to help out in church for some booth design thingy so I told her honestly that I can't. She said she'll arrange another interview date for me. Thanks Elaine! I'm praying real hard to get in cos it's my dream!

Went out with Jakob, Evin, Benje, Edeline, Brother, Chris and Vincent to eat at this placed called Koo Kee at Bugis. It sells products made out of beancurd! I had their fried beancurd with shrimp paste. It's delicious. Yummy! After a while, Rei and Wilson joined us and they sat on their own cos they needed some private moments. LOL. Mappy also joined us but she didn't eat. Calvin came down shortly after Rei and Wilson arrived and we waited for him to finish his meal.

After that, Edeline had to leave so the rest of us headed down to Parklane for some pool. Since I can't play pool for nuts, or as Darling terms it "I'm just too good at it", I just sat there as a spectator the whole time round till I got absolutely bored out. Wayne came much later and Jakob and I went with him to the Mac to let him get some food. I started talking to them about Raymond and how weird and charming he is. Wayne then commented that I seem to talk more about Raymond than Darling. I don't wanna talk too much about Darling cos they know him and I'm afraid news might spread. I did talk about Darling but just not in great depth cos I also don't want people to say I'm lovesick.

Anyway, Darling is helping to book the chalets for me! Gonna stay at Ubin Resort again during Good Friday. Hopefully, there are still available chalets. Before hangin up the phone with him, he told me not to give my number out to anybody. I was like, 'yes darling'. Seriously, d'ya think I'll actually dare to give out after that incident? Hell no!

hearts 03:51:00
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Friday, March 26, 2004

Didn't make it for web design consultation today. -sigh- Fur was kinda pissed at me I guess. Sorry guys.

Bangras fell ill so communication issues presentation is pushed back.

O ya, I found a cheaper place to do bikini wax! $25/= at Rupini. It's near Little India. LOL.

Darling's watching movie now. Damn tired. -sigh- I miss him.

hearts 00:37:00
0 spoken words

Thursday, March 25, 2004

Couldn't wake up AGAIN for meeting. Argh. I so swear Pang is gonna kill me. I just felt so tired the whole day. I kept yawning and yawning like as if I'm in a trance then I can't sleep till it's like past 1am. I think my body clock is just so screwed.

Darling called me whilst I was on my way home. He said some things that were really sweet to me. It might sound ordinary to everybody else, and possibly to him too, but they were the most beautiful words EVER spoken to me. I remember how I used to argue with Mervin over the same issue but he kept his stand whilst I was secretly hoping he'll change his mind. But now, without arguments, Darling said the words I wanna hear.

Darling, I really wish the first thing I see is your beautiful face. The first smell is your body fragrance. The first sound - your voice. The first touch is your beautiful lips and the first thing I taste is you.. and only you. I'm so in love with you.

hearts 03:22:00
0 spoken words

Wednesday, March 24, 2004

Couldn't wake up in time again today. Think my body clock is really screwed.

Went to school only for Communication Issues meeting and lecture. Met Evin at the convention centre but she didn't hear me call her. Hm. Priya was pissed today and the way she rant is just so cute. LOL.

Today's Darling and I one month. Yep. We're finally a month old. Happy 1 month my darling. I'm so glad to have found you and to be in your company.

He came down to look for me after having dinner and drinks with his boss and ex-colleagues. We had a great time chilling out by the reservoir and he just told me to be prepared. That within these 3 months, anything can happen. He might go, he might stay. He applied for a position at Singapore Sports Council and that's the position I'll be praying he'll get but I know the offer at Maldives is a much better offer than any place else. -sigh- I shall let God show me the way. ^_^

Whilst we were chilling, Pillai messaged me the same sweet talking message and Darling saw! Darling was like, you tell him that you're out with your boyfriend now and he just saw the message. Then I was like, "ok." When I send the message, he asked to see what I sent and I showed him. He was like, "I shall wait and see what's his reply." Then he started one whole lecture why I shouldn't give my number to any guys out there. He was even more upset when he found out that Pillai is an Indian. He was like, "Pillai? He's Indian?" Then I just nodded my head sheepishly. I felt like some dead meat.

Then Pillai messaged back saying something like hope I didn't offend him. Then my darling says tell him, "he's fine. as long as you draw the line as friends." Then he started saying things like if things don't work out between us and I get together with Pillai, he won't be surprised if Pillai will wanna settle down with me. Then I just looked at him with bewildered eyes, thinking what the hell is he thinking? Has he gone out of his mind? Damn. He's thinking so damn far. In any case, I'm certain now that Darling do get jealous just that he hides it too damn well.

hearts 04:08:00
0 spoken words

Tuesday, March 23, 2004

Passion of the Christ is M18! Hurray! Praise to the Lord for allowing me to watch the movie! Praise to the Lord for the cab this morning! Hallelujah! God is watching over me. Feel so blessed!!! =)

hearts 01:22:00
0 spoken words

Monday, March 22, 2004

Woke up late again today. I seriously think my body is all screwed up. Can't sleep in the night and when day comes, slumber knocks me out. Haven't done Feature 1 and 2. -sigh- I'm just so seriously screwed.

Priya asked me about Pillai today and told me that all Indian guys are sweet talkers. LOL. The immediate thought that I have was whether Darling was part of that generalization. In any case, I don't wanna think about it.

Darling and I had a chat just now. Been so long since I heard his voice. Miss him like crazy. He told me to be good, have fun and not do childish and silly things. Then I asked him, "define silly". He went like I've the perfect thing that is silly on my mind now. Then I was like, what? He immediately started laughing and said, "getting all mad and wild at a club after drinking." Ouch. That hurt my dear. I know I was silly but I tried to limit myself already. =P We had a good laugh about it.

Anyway, I need help guys. Anybody knows what's the cost of Brazilian Bikini Wax? And whoever that has done it before, how does it feel? Cos I'm lazy to shave on my own. I rather get someone to pluck it out all with my bloody lungs bursting at the top of my voice!

hearts 23:26:00
0 spoken words

Sunday, March 21, 2004

I told Darling about Pillai minus away the little note that Pillai is Indian, his name and his age. I guess when I told Darling that Pillai gave me free drinks, he already knew what I wanted to tell him so he took it pretty well. He just says, "I'm fine.. I'm fine. You know I'm fine with these things." Then I'm like you sure? Then he said, "ya. I'll give my number to anyone." It was like ouch. I could sense a tinge of something there.

Then he asked me why I'm home, why I didn't go church. Then I told him I got projects to do so couldn't go and Jakob asked me to go Indochine but I turned her down due to projects. Then he was like, "Indochine? That's not very religious of you is it?" I think he's a little upset that I had too much to drink yesterday and the little note that I told him didn't settle well with him. Then again, which moron will be fine with his girl givin her number out to some stranger?! Argh.

How screwed up can I get? In any case, I dropped him a message before midnight telling him that I really love him. -sigh- I really hope he's fine with it and that he can forgive me. I'm just a stupid fool! Argh. I love you baby. I really really do. Will never do anything to hurt you. I swear!

hearts 04:07:00
0 spoken words

Saturday, March 20, 2004

After movie, Benje and I headed down to Devils' to look for Jakob, Edward, Tiffany, Cynthia and Kelvin. But I wasn't able to get in cos the minimum age for girls there was 21 years old. Edward was convinced that I can go in but I told him to do a check with the people, which Kelvin says is the most stupid thing to do cos I could just sneak in. In any case, Jakob, Benje and I opted out from going to Devils and we went to Hard Rock Cafe instead.

I don't hold my liquor well so I wasn't really game on drinking too much. Talked to Jakob about lotsa other stuff then later, Benje told us that Edward, Tiffany, Cynthia and Kelvin headed down to Mr. Bean's and asked whether we wanna join them or not. We were like, Wah. Go never call us. But hell, we made a move and Benje paid for the drinks. Thanks Benje! =)

Before we left Hard Rock, Benje told me that the Indian guy serving us drinks wanted my number. I was kinda shock but probably intoxicated by those alcohol, I went balooney. I just walked to that guy and gave him my number. The moment I reached Mr. Beans, went toilet twice, drank like 2-3 cups of plain water, ate Edward's plate of chips and one garlic bread, I realised what I did was the most bloody stupid thing EVER. I mean, I fucking have a boyfriend and I willingly gave my number to some freaking stranger?! I felt like craps.

That guy, Pillai messaged me and started telling me he miss me... etc. I didn't know what to do and just did my usual polite reply. I'm still wondering, did he hear Jakob and I talk about Darling? He should have right? So he should know very damn sure I'm attached? I'm just fucking confused right now. Pillai asked me out for dinner and drinks. I told him I'm not sure yet, let me know when and where then I'll decide again.

Argh. I hate me.

Don't ever be mistaken. I love darling whole-heartedly and I think I'm gonna let him in on my little misadventure yesterday. -sigh- I hope he takes it well cos I'm really fucking sorry for being so muddle-headed. I love him with all my heart and soul. I'll never do anything wrong, I swear!

hearts 23:44:00
0 spoken words

Friday, March 19, 2004

Wasn't able to sleep well again. Went to see Dr. Hsu and he says he's gonna talk to my parents about my depression. Mum called after that and says to meet her after her work cos she wanna talk to me about it. I was like, why can't we talk at home and she replied, "cos your dad will be around and I'm afraid that he might just blow his top and you'll blow your top as well." Then I told her, if he can't handles it, then I don't see how we can ever talk about this issue.

Met Jo today. She accompanied me to Dr. Hsu's and I accompanied her to town. She met my aunt Doris and was amazed at the way my aunt repeats after every health fact on TV and was even more amazed when I told her that my aunt is in the advertising industry. LOL.

Going out soon to catch The Eye 2 with Benje, Diana and Bryan. My mum's still not home to have that bloody talk with me and I seriously don't wanna have that talk YET. Apparently, she's still not believing that her child, her eldest daughter is having depression. Since she can't handle the truth, then fuck it.

Was thinking about something the whole day...

How do you hold on to a relationship which you know has a predictable end?

Can someone teach me how?

hearts 23:06:00
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Didn't go school today cos I wasn't able to sleep well last night. In any case, I still got my big fat ass down to Temasek Polytechnic for Cell Group. Maybe it was God's way of telling me that He must come first before all else will fall into place cos almost immediately after cell ended, Darling called me and asked me to meet him.

Went home, took a quick shower then I headed on down to Causeway Point to meet him. I think it's safer that way otherwise he'll get lost at Tampines again. =X Watched Runaway Jury and had a really good time with him but we still needed that much needed talk so he brought me to his favorite park in Woodlands.

We sat down and he started talking about what he has been stressed about, his job etc. I just sat there and listen. I didn't say anything. I just listened. As he talked about what's going on, I massaged his back cos I knew he needed one badly. He then made a comment, "Don't take this as an insult girl, but you're too nice to be my girlfriend. All my ex fucked me upside down." And I just smiled back at him. I didn't know what to say or do.

After a long chilling out session together, we headed back to his block so that I could catch a cab home. He told me he might be leaving Singapore and going to Maldives for a project with Raymond in May and if that happens, we'll have to go seperate ways cos long distance just ain't gonna work. I just looked at him and said, "Whatever you do, you'll have my fullest support."

I knew this would happen and I'll just thank God for the wonderful moments that I've had with Darling and ask God for a miracle, that Darling will stay so that we can have a shot at something called - Future.

hearts 05:29:00
0 spoken words

Thursday, March 18, 2004

I really don't know what to say.

I love you but do you? I'm starting to wonder.

No tears seem to flow.

Maybe that's my life...

I just can't meet the right person...

But God has it all planned out for me.

hearts 03:01:00
0 spoken words

Wednesday, March 17, 2004

I am speechless.

You said I'm being difficult for not understanding a situation that I was unaware of?!

No words can describe the feeling I have right now.

I can't believe this.

You didn't even apologize but turn around and say it's my fault?

I don't know.

I'm in shock.

hearts 14:34:00
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I went all out to dress up for HIM and he FUCKING preferred to watch VCDs and to run instead of meeting me! I'm like what the fuck?!


Thanks Ingrid for listening to my bitching. Really damn grateful for it. =)

hearts 04:22:00
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Tuesday, March 16, 2004

Went to class late today. 1300hrs class, I turned up at 1345hrs but attendance was still taken! In any case, after school, I headed down to Plaza Singapura to join my secondary school classmates to celebrate Xiaowei's birthday.

Zejin, Yikang, Hungping, Zhenlong, Jiam Tsong, Huimin, Ting Ying, Shah Shan and of course Xiaowei were all present. We ate at Snoopy Place and I seriously think Hungping scared the waitress there. LOL. Huimin will be leaving for Melbourne. Shirlaine will be leaving for Aussie too. -sigh- Everybody's leaving. Then I'll be leaving too.

After dinner, we went down to Selegie's The Coffee Connection for coffee. Had a good chat and obviously, Hungping frightened everyone again. LOL. We are planning to go Bali in June with Huimin and Shirlaine. A final Integrity'00/01 outing before the two of them leaves. -sob-

Darling called just now and said that on Wednesday, the fate of whether he's retaining his job or not will be decided. He said he's off later today but he's thinking of going to work. In any case, I told him to make up his mind and let me know earlier so that I can dress up specially for him. LOL.

I asked him whether he wanna go Bali then he said if he goes Bali, he can't go to Maldives then I'm like, "Oh. Erm. Then you go Maldives. I can just go with my friends." He just says let's wait and see.

hearts 03:06:00
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Monday, March 15, 2004

It's our 3rd week together baby. 21 days of pure loving.

And I'm just a brat you picked off to love...

I'm so grateful for your love. So grateful for your attention.

I wanna be your sweetie for as long as possible...

Every day, every hour, every minute and every second spent with you - is God's best present to me.

And I'll praise God for that! Hallelujah!

hearts 03:19:00
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Went out to watch Monster with Roland at Lido just now. Charlize Theron absolutely rocks. Though there was a few errors here and there, the movie is beautiful.

I nearly didn't get to watch cos I was stopped for ID check but I bluff my way through. Sorry Lord and Thank God! The show is a must-watch!

hearts 01:49:00
0 spoken words

Sunday, March 14, 2004

Well, after much debating, I didn't go for drama class but went for church service instead. Church service was fun with Senior Pastor Vincent trying to rap like Linkin' Park. LOL.

After the service, we headed down to Giants for dinner-cum-supper. Frankly speaking, I still have zero idea why it's called Giants. -confused- Ernie asked me to join them for mahjong so I tried calling Darling to inform him that I won't be home early. He was out and didn't bring his phone with him so when he called back slightly later, I asked him where were he. Anyway, I told him I was staying out late and he didn't exactly sound quite please but he didn't stop me either. I just told him I'll drop him a message once I'm home and in the morning. Hope he's ok with that.

Basically, that's what I did for the rest of my saturday. Mahjong ended the day for me and sleep awaits me now. By the way, I'm finally gonna sleep on my own bed again. Finally found the guts to go back up there and sleep, with all the memories... =)

hearts 05:13:00
0 spoken words

Saturday, March 13, 2004

. thank God it's friday

Went to school in the morning for TV studio production but felt horrible. The flu virus has caught up on me and so after class, I headed to Canteen 1 to meet Amanda and Reh for lunch before taking a cab home to see the doctor.

Anyway, I was due for a doctor's appointment for my depression so I went and see the doctor. She gave me my favorite medicine! Clarinase! Sweet in the mouth; Perfect for your flu. LOL. Then she gave me another month's supply of anti-depressants. I think I'm really going to rely on medication for my entire lifetime. -shakes head-

Darling couldn't meet me today cos he says he's lazy. I didn't bank on meeting him as well and was still overwhelmed by his action the night before. He coming down all the way just to meet me. I'm seriously overwhelmed by his action. I still can't believe he did it... for me.

I did go out in any case. Went out with Peifang for dinner and shopping. We ate at V8 movies cafe. LOL. The place where I spent my first Valentine's with Mervin. Parco Bugis holds so much dear memories for me that I can't believe that I was able to leave that place without being too absorbed into those memories. Had a helluva time with Peifang. We walked around for ages, then headed towards Bugis Village to look at shoes.

She got her footwear at Da Vinci. I was tempted to get a pair there but the look was too regal and not exactly my style so I headed down to Swank instead and got a pair there. A simple pair that's just worth $12.90, compared to Peifang's $30++ pair. LOL.

After much looking around Bugis Village, we decided to spring a surprise on Miss Karen Kim so we set forth for Suntec City. We went to Xcessories for a while once we reached Suntec. One of the bags there caught my eye but I didn't have the courage to check out the price. Maybe I'll do so at a later date. The chains there are beautiful as well! I kept telling Peifang to go Hawaii cos those chains just reminds me of those beach stuff. -dreams-

We eventually found Karen at MacDonald having her NPCC meeting. She looked tired and the others were kinda surprised to see me around, I guess. But I couldn't care less. They made me who I am and I'm thankful towards them for that. How else would I be able to accept criticism, harsh criticism till this date? Peifang and I got McFlurry and once we finished it, we said goodbye to them and left for more shopping to be done!

I dragged her to Fond Hugs and we started to browse around. I saw 2 dresses that seriously warranted some actions to my debit card. One was a simple white dress with blue-ish leaf prints on it and it's free-size. The other is a greenish sequinned halter dress. The shade of green is similar to the font color I set for the word. I tried both on and I fell in love with both but my debit only allowed me to buy one of them, cos I'm kinda broke. I debated long and hard in the dressing room. I walked out, still clutching to both of them dearly.

Peifang asked me whether I liked the dresses and I was like "Yes!" but I can only buy one of them. She stared at both pieces for a while and decided I should give the green dress a shot since my entire wardrobe seems to be just black, white and blue. A change of color would be healthy for me. LOL. So I placed my bet on her choice and bought that green dress. I swear once I've the cash, I'll head on back down there to get that white dress!!! That dress set me back by another $59.90 anyway so, sigh, it's gonna take a while before I've the cash to buy that white dress. -dreams-

We set off for home after that and we started debating whether to take MRT, Bus or Taxi. We walked from Suntec all the way back to Bugis before I got fed up and said, "I'm calling for cab". So we waited patiently for our cab to arrive and set off for home. Before we parted ways, she suggested another shopping trip and I told her, give me time to get the cash. I'm not working like she is. So ya, another shopping trip is on the cards!

. slumber saturday .

My flu came back today so I couldn't head on down to my beloved Sentosa. -sigh- I seriously miss Palawan beach and the platforms there!! I was so looking forward to it but health comes first.

Darling gave me a morning call and I told him I can't go Sentosa anymore cos I'm still feeling ill. He was like, good. You should get some rest and not always head on out. LOL. Yes, my dear, I'll stay home and rest. He asked me how was yesterday's shopping trip and I told him I bought the green dress, which my sister commented was rather Indian in style.

He replied, "Of course. Cos you're dating a black man." LOL. But the dress is really nice. He asked me if it looks good on me, then I said I think it does. He says he'll call me again later in the afternoon cos he's gonna work late today. He wanna stay on behind to see how's the crowd like at night at the clubhouse.

Now, I'm still debating whether or not to go for drama class and church service. -sigh- With my nose in this state, will I be ok? -ponders-

hearts 17:08:00
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Friday, March 12, 2004

Davina! So sorry. Kept you up. I just reached back home. =X

Just to set your mind and many other people's mind at ease, I'm fine with Darling. He had a drink too many but still made his way down to find me cos he promised to meet me within a week. And he did it. =)

We had a great time just chilling out by the reservoir. He kept cursing his job, saying it's taking too much of his time and stuff. But he told me not to hate him for concentrating so much on the job and I was like, "How can I ever hate you?"

So ya. I had a great time today. He said he might meet me later today. I'll just wait for his call. Knowing him, nothing is confirmed till I see his face. LOL.

hearts 04:52:00
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Thursday, March 11, 2004

Darling is busy at work so he can't meet me. Again. I was seriously contemplating giving up on everything. Argh.

Then I called like an entire lot of people. Wondering who will pity this poor soul and go out with her and Peifang agreed! So I met her for dinner at Bedok and she asked me how's things. I just told her and she say give it more time.

Amanda thinks it's better this way so I guess I should just give it a shot cos seriously, I'm happy with him. That's all that matters to me now.

hearts 00:10:00
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Wednesday, March 10, 2004

Darling just called and said that he felt we're more like best pals in a relationship. At first I was kinda hurt. Then I talked to Davina, Brian and Roland about it. Roland immediately said, "GIVE UP THE DAMN RELATIONSHIP!" Davina was more like, "do what your heart says." Brian said "that's good."

The variety of replies I receive. LOL.

But the one person that I always heed is still Bud. So I called him. He was troubled so I helped him out with his problem and he helped me out with mine.

He told me that he felt that I needed a break from commitment especially after what happened between Mervin and I. He said I should not think about the future since I haven't even grasp hold of the present. He added that he noticed I'm happier with Darling around so just keep it that way. Enjoy whilst I can. Then he added one point that was the most important, "Don't you feel pressure to always worry about the future when you can't even control the present, especially when things will change as time goes by?"

That sentence did it for me and I realised I'll just be in a weird sort of relationship with Darling and not worry about anything else anymore.

hearts 02:56:00
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Darling forgot to give me morning call this morning cos he was rushing off to work but it's ok cos my asthmatic cough act up again. Went to see the doc and the doc accused me of feigning illness. Says my cough doesn't sound like a cough. I was like "What the fuck?" Seriously, today's a damn bad day.

Thanks to Vincent for accompanying me to the clinic. =)

Darling called earlier to ask how I am and to let me know he's going out with someone for dinner tonight. I don't know if he's going out with a girl or guy; whether it's a date or whatsoever but I'm just gonna trust that he knows what he's doing. I'm feeling down. I'm feeling all so pissed off cos of what the doc says. If my asthma is aggravated in anyway, I swear that fellow is gonna get hell from me.

hearts 00:13:00
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Tuesday, March 09, 2004

My heart says we've got something real
Can I trust the way I feel
Cuz my heart's been through it before
Am I'm just seeing what I want to see
Or is it true
Could you really be

Someone to have and hold
With all my heart and soul
I need to know
Before I fall in love
Someone who'll stay around
(Who warns) my ups and downs
So tell me now
Before I fall in love

And I'm at the point of no return
So afraid of getting burned
But I wanna take a chance
Oh please
Give me a reason to believe
Say you're the one that you'll always be

Someone to have and hold
With all my heart and soul
I need to know
Before I fall in love
Someone who'll stay around
(Who warns) my ups and downs
So tell me now
Before I fall in love

It's been so hard for me
To give my heart away
But I would give my everything
Just to hear you say...

Someone to have and hold
With all my heart and soul
I need to know
Before I fall in love
Someone who'll stay around
(Who warns) my ups and downs
So tell me now
Before I fall in love

-- Coco Lee's Before I Fall In Love

hearts 00:31:00
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Monday, March 08, 2004

Do you know what it's like to feel all cold and wet but all you can do is to control your coughs whilst talking over the phone?

I do.

Do you know what it's like to feel all upset and wishing to cry but all you can do is to laugh and remain calm just not to make him know that you're upset?

I do.

Do you know what it's like to pretend that you don't really love that person cos he might not be serious about you but all of your heart and soul has been given to that one man and he doesn't even know it?

I do.

hearts 22:56:00
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Darling did give me a morning call but I was so tired that I fell back to sleep and overslept. Today's filming was nuts. I was stuck in the toilet for 4 over hours. I swear that if I stayed in the toilet any longer, I'll be claustrophobic.

I'm so tired now. -yawns- My left elbow is bruised and there are some slits on my left wrist due to filming. Please do not be alarm if you see them. They were by accident!

hearts 01:29:00
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Sunday, March 07, 2004

Met up with Ingrid for coffee. Told her what I was uncertain about and she says it happens. Really very grateful towards her for listening to my concerns. It's been quite a while since I met up with her and she seems happier. LOL. I'm so happy that she's happy. In fact, I'm glad that both of us are in some way or other, a state of happiness.

We went to Fisherman's Village together with Jeffrey, Vincent, Cynthia, Anna, Kelvin, Edward, Gerald, Alex, Michael and MRC. Didn't drink much today, maybe cos I was too absorbed in my conversation with Ingrid. LOL. We talked all the way from Tampine's Coffee Bean till she reached home.

I miss Darling right now. -sigh- And I've filming later today. Just dropped him a message asking him to give me a morning call. Wondering whether he will or not. -wonders-

hearts 05:42:00
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Saturday, March 06, 2004

Woke up late and was off to a rush-y start. Rushed my way down to Yew Tee for the production. Talence was late and he was holding on to the camera so everything was held back. Luckily, we managed to film all the required scenes for today but tomorrow will be a long long day.

Darling didn't stay in at the resort. He said there was a last minute change in management plans so he was there only for the 1st half of the day. He said he wanted to call me but was afraid I was filming so didn't call. He waited till about 8 before deciding to make the call to me.

I have this very dreaded feeling deep within me. I don't know how to describe it. I don't think I wanna think about it now. Going out for coffee with Ingrid in a while. Might be joining Jeffrey and co. for drinks at Fisherman's Village. I don't know. Feeling damn confused now.

hearts 23:56:00
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Talence asked me to act in his short video production and on my way to the venue, Darling called me. He was so cute over the phone. He kept asking me, "Are you still having doubts after last night's conversation?" Then I'm like "No." What doubts can I have after I know for now how much I love being with him?

But it wasn't exactly all good. He told me he feels that Raymond's gonna leave soon and I know what that means. Once Raymond leaves, Darling has to leave soon. He has no idea which country they might be heading for their next project. Has no idea how long it might be. But he's trying to persuade Raymond to stay on in Singapore, at least a year or more longer. I told him I second that thought and he was like, "of course you do!" -sigh-

I'm thinking of him as I type this blog now. He's gonna be staying at the resort for the next 2 nights cos there's a corporate event going on. He says he'll call. Well, I'll just wait for his call. And I know now my fate. It's to wait on the man I love.

hearts 03:06:00
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Friday, March 05, 2004

Went for 40 Days of Purpose small group meeting and watched Rick Warren's VCD to guide us through. Seriously speaking, it's weird seeing a pastor on TV praying for you when you know he's in Southern California and you're in Singapore. It just doesn't seem real.

Yesterday's discussion was on knowing the purpose of our lives. If we didn't know the purpose of our lives, life will seem
1) unfulfilling
2) tiresome
3) uncontrollable

It's so true and I can most identify with tiresome. Hopefully after these 40 days, I'll be able to know the purpose of life since knowing it will give my life focus, simplify my life, increase my motivation in life and prepare me for eternity! Through out the meeting, I was thinking of Darling. My fears. Our relationship. True enough, halfway through the video, he called.

He asked me what do I wanna tell him and he was like sounding kinda anxious over the phone and I just laughed. I just told him I'll tell him later and we arranged to go catch Something's Gotta Give later that evening at Causeway Point. As the meeting came to an end, I realised that the I can't let myself be imprisoned by my past. I gotta take it as an experience and take it in my stride. God is with me so who can be against me?

When I met Darling, I knew there and then that my fears were unfounded. I still went on to tell him what was it that I feared most and he repeatedly mentions that he respects me. He admits that things between the both of us are going damn freaking fast and even he, himself, is taken aback by it. He says at times, he sees me as a slightly more than a friend but he really enjoys my company. However, he's not sure where our relationship will bring us to, how far we'll go. These are the exact thoughts that echoed in my mind for so long... Then he ended everything off by saying, let's not plan for anything cos you never know what's gonna happen next.

After the movie ended, we headed towards the lift. I was tired cos of the long day that I had. He was tired cos he has got an early day at work the next day. He took out his handphone and said to me, "Honey bunny, come here, I wanna show you something." And I walked towards him and peered at his handphone as he opened his text message inbox.


"Do you see whose name appears the most? You understand what it means?"

"What? What's it supposed to mean?"

"I don't know. You tell me..."

I looked up at him and saw his smiling face. My smiling lips widened to a wide grin and sealed off his last sentence with a kiss and a giggle. Whatever that will happen, shall happen. For now, I'm just contented to be loved by him... The man I call Darling. The man who makes me laugh at all times.

Darling, I love you.

I really do.

hearts 17:42:00
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Thursday, March 04, 2004

My fear is acting up again. That same fear that tore my life apart and that didn't allow me to trust any man on Earth. It's starting to work against my relationship with Darling. My insecurities are back.

I fear.

I yearn for control.

Songs keep going off-tune.

When will I ever be able to let go of the monster from my past? When will I ever be able to be ME once more, loving Darling whole-heartedly...

hearts 20:28:00
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Woke up earlier in the morning to message Darling a good day. Went out with Brian, Gabriel, Anna, Jeff, Vincent, seasaw, anodize, Billy, Gerald, MRC and Alan yesterday for dinner. Has been quite a while since I last hang out with them. Met Wayne along the way. He mentions that he can't make it for Sentosa this weekend. Hm. Gonna miss his company. :(

Darling called me to go down to Wala Wala at Holland Village to meet him. I was tired but I hardly get to see him so I made the trip down to meet him. Had a bottle of Corona only. Today was wonderful. I had the best time in my life. Raymond was just going crazy, telling me that Darling has been talking about me non-stop and when I asked Darling, he says Raymond's the one doodling on his notepads and stuff. LOL. Two grown men behaving like kids at Wala Wala. It's amazing! LOL.

Met quite a few of Darling's friends and I had a great time with Darling. -wink- Met up with Yunting today as well. She still looks kinda stress. Damn. I've yet to read today's chapter for 40 days of purpose. Gonna read it now!

hearts 03:44:00
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Monday, March 01, 2004

Damn. Woke up with menstrual cramps. It's at times like this that I wish I'm a guy. Then I thought of darling. The thought of being a guy just turned repulsive. =P It's one week together with him and he's busy at work. He started work so early today. -sigh- Feel like giving him a call but well, I think he's busy. Maybe later.

Went to Vanessa's house to do my nails again! Guess what colors I chose this time round? LOL. Turquoise for my fingers and sky blue for my toes! LOL. My mum got a shock.. as usual. I told her about darling and she warned me to be careful. Says he might be out to toy me. If that's the case, then all I can say is I'm blind. Cos I've fallen for him... big time. =)

I just wanna share this beautiful poem that I read in "The Purpose Driven Life" by Pastor Rick Warren of Saddleback Church.

You are who you are for a reason.
You're part of an intricate plan.
You're a precious and perfect unique design,
Called God's special woman or man.

You look like you look for a reason.
Our God made no mistake.
He knit you together within the womb,
You're just what he wanted to make.

The parents you had were the ones he chose,
And no matter how you feel,
They were custom-designed with God's plan in mind,
And they bear the Master's seal.

No, that trauma you faced was not easy.
And God wept that it hurt you so;
But it was allowed to shape your heart
So that into his likeness you'd grow.

You are who you are for a reason,
You've been formed by the Master's rod.
You are who you are, beloved,
Because there is a God!

- Written by Russell Kelfer

hearts 22:46:00
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Darling nearly forgot about me today! WAH! I was so pissed but when I saw his stressed face, I knew he must has had a long day at work. -sigh- The club's opening has definitely worn him out. Darling's team won today's match again! But darling is still sick. I really hope he can get some rest.

After the match, we set off for his place cos I left his shoes in Raymond's car. Darling's mummy is such a nice lady. I met his mum and brother, Nicholas and we had dinner at his place as well. Felt kinda awkward but it was nice meeting them!

We went to catch Honey after that. Honey is a definite must-watch for all hip-hop fans. I mean, my Darling was almost dancing in the theatre! He loves the soundtrack! I love darling so much. He met his ex yesterday and he told me that when he told her about me, she cried. -sigh- I feel kinda bad. I don't know why. Darling might be posted overseas soon. I knew about a possibility like this before we got together so ya, I just got to take it in my stride. =)

It's gonna be midnight soon and it'll be 1 week with you, my darling. One week of pure loving. -kisses-

hearts 02:59:00
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