walking contradiction

25 years old.
a girl of irony.
studying in university of new south wales - ba/llb.
living and let live.
truly blessed by His and his love.

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time constrained


another dimension



partners in crime
benje. carol. crystal. daniel ho. davina. doreen. evelyn. ingrid. iniQx. jac. jess. julian. karen. kimberly. leon. li en. mabel. melissa. nick. shirley. stefan. xiaowei. yee huat. yusuf. zhong ying.


communication channels
christian forum. keeptouch forum. heartlight. save our tree e-magazine. yesterday .sg. good morning yesterday. riverlife. 陳志明.
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. feelings and thoughts .

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many bows
pictures: one
brushes: one two
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designer: sweet_surrender
others: blogger blogskins


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Wednesday, August 26, 2009

36 more hours to go.

hearts 22:46:00
0 spoken words

Tuesday, August 25, 2009

after my university decide to smarten up and realise that we simply can't do a 12 weeks semester without increasing the already high suicide rates, they've decided that since they have been kind and since it was really all part of synchronising with the other faculties, they have kindly demanded that my faculty scrap the 3 8 UOC electives that we have to do for each semester as we get ready to graduate in our final year and increase it to 4 6 UOC electives. i guess my faculty decided that they have to compensate us in some way so instead of writing 3 8000 words essays for the 3 electives, they shall cap it 6000 words for each elective that we now have to take. furthermore, they've decided that 48 hours of contact time per semester is too ridiculous and kindly reduced it to 36 hours for the benefit of all of us.

at this very point in time, after i received that very piece of news in my gmail, my only thought was how the fuck am i supposed to survive university life if they can decide mid-way through my course that hey, let's toy with the academic calendars and units of credits! how pleasant will that be for all students. seriously. so now, i've to re-evaluate my choices of electives cos i need to add another 2 modules as a result of such kindness. honestly, in my final year of university life, if i manage to survive, i'm either a fucking genius or i'm simply sadistic by nature.

and all this for a freaking piece of paper that is not recognised by Singapore's law society as it's part of a double-degree program.

just 65 more hours.
and i can rant till the cows come home.

hearts 18:22:00
0 spoken words

Sunday, August 23, 2009

my mum was 24 when she got married, 25 when she had me and now when she's nearing mid-century, she has two children that are now considered adults legally, one that will be heading for his national duty in less than a year's time and the youngest who will be facing her dreaded PSLE next year.

i am turning 24 soon. looking through photos of individuals whom i used to hang out with every single weekend in the past, i realised the years that had gone by. most of them are either married with kids, married, or on the verge of marriage. then i looked at myself, this soon-to-be 24 years human, and i begin to ask myself when will i be in their shoes? don't get me wrong, i'm not exactly yearning for marriage and kids. the very idea of signing a contract to consider a union legal is, to me, preposterous. and the idea of kids, seriously, did cross my mind but being the ever-so-selfish me, i can't seem to fathom how i can be kind enough to allow my partner to shower that one human with more attention than upon me. then again, most peeps will say that when the time comes, i'll change but God knows.

i'm turning 24, a year short of the quarter century mark. will i be less selfish? will i be more prepared for what the future might hold for me? as of now, i'm still a student, a kid in most individuals' eyes as i've not stepped out into the working world. the affairs of the adults should not be indulged in upon by me, as i'm still a few years short.

hearts 21:49:00
0 spoken words

Saturday, August 22, 2009

my man commented that i can be really insecure at times and i have to agree. despite the times where i seriously wish not to care for a single thing on Earth and be completely confident in myself, my partner and our relationship, i find myself grappling for some form of control over them all once more.

my fear of losing control is probably the prima facie reason for my insecurities. the more i expect, the more my fear plays up. so what have i done to reduce them all? i'm still learning how to expect less. i'm still learning how to let go of control. i'm still learning.

afterall, i'm only going to turn 24 in more than a week's time. i have plenty of time for that.

on that note, HAPPY BIRTHDAY ZHONGYING! :)

in 140 hours, i'll be with you. :)

hearts 14:21:00
0 spoken words

Friday, August 21, 2009

i was just reading through my archives and realised that i made some statements regarding my relationship with mervin almost 8 years ago, which i find stands true to a certain extent. i guess 2 was really our magic number cos almost 10 years since we've first met, i guess we can consider each other as friends once more after all the bitchfights and what-nots.

just an interesting observation that i've made whilst taking a break from my studies.

hearts 22:55:00
0 spoken words


i'm really only just 179 hours away from you.

hearts 01:55:00
0 spoken words

Thursday, August 20, 2009

i found out yesterday that with the sponsorship of goldheart's celestial, fann wong will be designing her very own set of jewelry for her upcoming wedding dinner. one of them features a 60-carat necklace.

when night fell and i was all cosy in bed, i told my man about it and he said, "so now you want goldheart?" then i think i replied something to the effect that "i never minded goldheart's jewelries" but really, i was just smiling cos he got the very obvious hint.

:)

hearts 20:39:00
0 spoken words

Wednesday, August 19, 2009

this post is potentially offensive to certain individuals and is definitely not meant for those under 16 years of age.

as some of you might know, i went on the contraceptive pill about 2 years ago as i was getting increasingly frustrated at my monthly cycle. it was irregular to the extent that i literally had to remember to bring the necessary items along with me at all times, in case it decided to pop up for a visit. what some of you might not know is that i've recently stopped it after much deliberation and doing further research on the medication, which convinced me that it's in my best interests to stop taking it.

so what happened next? well, without the pill, my monthly cycle became a nightmare again. i completely forgot about the fact that it was due until it went way over a week. when i finally did realise i was way overdue, i begin to curse and swear at myself for taking the damn pill in the first place, as i found out that upon stopping the pill, there's a potentiality that the monthly cycle might not return for 3-12 months. not that i mind but it would mean that a pack of tampon would have to follow me wherever i went and seriously, i'm not a big fan of that.

well, it did eventually show up at my door-step and at one of the most ridiculous timings - when i was asleep. i was relieved that i didn't have to wait up to 12 months for it to show up but at the same time, begin to wonder if i'm back to all the irregularities that i had prior to taking the pill. seriously, at that very point in time, i begin to feel the temptation of going back on the pill despite all the possible side-effects and what-nots.

i spoke to my man about it and he replied "what to do? your body is made up this way, just have to accept it". probably exasperated; probably a little grumpy, i told him over the phone, "if you want to have a child in the future, this irregularity may be an obstruction cos God knows when the hell my body decides to ovulate". but well, with my man, i couldn't really stay grumpy for long cos the next sentence he replied, basically, had me laughing in disbelief and, up till now, brought a smile to my grumpiness. he said "true. then i guess we will need daily practice when we are ready to have one. even when test kit comes back positive, also keep trying to make sure, until it's 100% confirmed." i replied, "won't you get sick and tired of it?" he actually replied something to the effect that, "probably will but if that's the only way, we just have to do it. and do it everyday".

my man. he sure has a solution to everything. :)
in less than 206 hours' time, i'll be holding your hands again.

hearts 19:39:00
0 spoken words


this is probably the 1st time i sat in court and felt direct sympathy for an accused.
a fellow singaporean, i suppose, sitting there crying as he testified for his innocence.

tomorrow is his judgment day.
i wonder what's the outcome.

hearts 16:41:00
0 spoken words

Monday, August 17, 2009

changed my layout.
enabled blogger's commenting service.

all set for another 6 years. :)

hearts 19:28:00
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after reading zhongying's post, i realise that i'm as equally reluctant to meet peeps that i'm not close with. if a particular person was never part of my clique, i probably will be very reluctant to meet them cos simply, if we didn't hit it off the first time, it probably will never happen. however, if a person was initiated into the clique and we do hit it off in a way, ya sure, i'll give it a shot but it'll be very limited. if someone managed to irritate the shit out of me within the clique, you can be as sure for hell that my reluctance to associate with them will be ever present as well.

my man always says that i've a very limited circle of friends as my adaptability to different groups of humans is extremely low. probably, that's true. then again, i'm a critical individual who would probably piss the world out of everyone else out there who are not similar in kind like me. so there, i've said it, i'm happy in my world and who i let in. i do feel the need to include new peeps at times but i'm truly happy in my own little shell where i know i've peeps i can count on. :)

hearts 10:39:00
0 spoken words

Thursday, August 13, 2009

in a move that i never expected myself to make since almost 2 years ago, i googled his name once more.
i guess i was more interested in finding out if anyone still remembered his name and whether he was still being held in memory.
maybe they all have a different name for him cos i didn't find many posts past 2007.

there will come a day
where my fingers will tremble,
stroking your very face
that is at once strange and familiar.

there will come a day
where my eyes will tear,
gazing at your distant self,
bringing both joy and pain.

there will come a day
where ears will ache,
listening to that very voice,
that is at once strange and familiar.

there will come a day
where my life will end,
prancing with you in heaven,
bringing both joy and pain.

hearts 19:29:00
0 spoken words

Wednesday, August 12, 2009

omg. this cyber attack must stop. it's ridiculous that these stupid botnets are like activated to supposedly silence one freaking blogger. get a life humans.

the same goes to the burmese government. ridiculous judgment and the trial was a complete sham. she had no control over the moron who swam to her place. is she supposed to yell out to the person when she saw him coming, "get out of here. you'll get me into trouble"? or is she supposed to tell him to "get lost" when he's dripping wet after his swim? seriously, moronic.

dictatorship is nothing but a moron's tool for control and power cos seriously, when you're dead, you are still going to be nothing but like the rest of us, a decomposing piece of crap.

hearts 18:22:00
0 spoken words

Tuesday, August 11, 2009

i feel like an old woman.
my eyes threaten to shut at midnight.
my brain goes into a numb state.
and my heart slows it beat.

all to prepare me for my slumber and morning torture,
day after day.

hearts 23:38:00
0 spoken words

Saturday, August 08, 2009

6 years.
my blog is actually 6 years old.
despite the temptations to move out of this address, i'm still here.

happy belated my blog.

hearts 15:10:00
0 spoken words

Monday, August 03, 2009

when someone cuts you loose, you don't question why, for that prolongs the misery; simply embrace the new freedom awarded to you.

and if one day, he/she tries to enter in once more, just remember and reflect. chances are chances have been given umpteenth time prior and you'll be a fool to even consider another.

hearts 17:24:00
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