reading up on artaud and brecht, with minimal breaks for the past couple of days, i needed a break. a break to type down my thoughts. my thoughts that have been swirling in the midst of the dark abyss of my mind. for the past weeks or so, a strong desire has been welling up within. a desire so strong that i felt compelled to write it down somewhere and express it out.
to settle down. this familiarly unfamiliar desire for a more down-to-earth approach to my lifestyle, my life, and the peeps around me is so unlike me that it scared me for a bit. i'm not talking about settling down which most would associate with marriage, rather, settling down and taking a backseat from the fun in life. time to realise the full becoming of an adult, rather than the constant acts of a child. i've been a kid for the past 21, coming 22 years and this year, i'm finally able to process the thoughts that individuals, turning 21, would most likely than not, possess. jumping around like a monkey, with not a footing on the ground, i'm getting rather weary.
speaking to baby the other day, i suddenly brought up the topic of working in aussie. not just the formalised introduction to the working society in aussie when i graduate but also the undertaking of part-time/casual jobs as i study. there's this sudden craving for a more independent me. to start learning to manage my own finances, not just those provided for by my parents, but those that i earn. such thoughts did cross my mind once in a while but never one with such strong desire to finally step out of the nest and learn how to fly.
but to do all of the above, i will need to be discipline to the core of my very being. knowing myself, the laziness will creep up once in a while and one stumble will lead to a finale of all that i crave for eventual independence. i know i'm slowly regaining the discipline that i once possess. for a person who used to be too lazy to even bother doing any form of exercise, other than swim, i have been very good with my gym schedule. it might be due to the high cost of membership to the gym, it might be due to one of the member motivater in the gym, nikki, who told me that gym will only work best if i'm willing to make the effort of going down to the gym at least twice a week. i believe it's the latter for it was after what she told me that i found myself making an effort to go to the gym 2-3 times a week for at least an hour each. mum used to tell me what dad would often describe of sports, "it instills discipline into the individual if one keeps up with the sport" and i guess it holds true.
with the gym, i found myself desiring for the above two mentioned but i also found it to be surprisingly therapeutic. depression, a constant companion in my life, creeps up to me at the oddest moments. i would find myself going to bed, awaking, listening to a lecture, sitting in on a tutorial, having meals with friends, clubbing and so forth, with thoughts of death and suicide. in the past, to deal with these morbid thoughts, i would pen it down in poems, which i still do, or just drink to my heart's content. numb my brains out, stop my mind from churning those dark thoughts. recently, i found myself packing my gym bag and just heading out the door, listening to my ipod at loud level and walking with an urgency towards the gym. it doesn't matter if i return home, only to collapse onto the floor with my head clutched between my knees in tears cos at the end of the day, i knew i've stopped being the self-destructive me.
still, i'm a walking contradiction. my actions speak against my words. my thoughts against my feelings. my wants against my needs. yet, this time i feel a strong conviction to fulfill these desires of mine. i'm finally able to feel as if i'm turning 21. the year of my 21st was spend in tears and wallowing in grief. now, i've a chance. a chance to finally feel what it is like to become an adult.