walking contradiction

25 years old.
a girl of irony.
studying in university of new south wales - ba/llb.
living and let live.
truly blessed by His and his love.

Created by Wedding Favors

time constrained


another dimension



partners in crime
benje. carol. crystal. daniel ho. davina. doreen. evelyn. ingrid. iniQx. jac. jess. julian. karen. kimberly. leon. li en. mabel. melissa. nick. shirley. stefan. xiaowei. yee huat. yusuf. zhong ying.


communication channels
christian forum. keeptouch forum. heartlight. save our tree e-magazine. yesterday .sg. good morning yesterday. riverlife. 陳志明.
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. feelings and thoughts .

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Monday, May 28, 2007

flight has been changed to a day earlier.

i told you i'll try my best to get the first available flight
and i got it. :D

hearts 22:44:00
0 spoken words

Sunday, May 27, 2007

when i fall in love, my fears start to add up.
at times, i just wanna shut myself out from the outside world,
allowing my thoughts to be my only companion.

it got him worried, i know, and i'm really sorry about it.
i didn't realise how deep the imprints of my yesterdays are,
causing me to feel unworthy and utterly impaired by fear.

all i can say is i'm sorry for i'm truly contrite for all that has happened.
the year's end is my limit for the countless taunts and fear,
for i really need to realise my own worth before anything else occurs.

hearts 22:37:00
0 spoken words

Friday, May 25, 2007

99 loveseeds.
2 swans.
1 love.
1 hypothesis.

all just awaiting the revelation of the future.

it's at times like these i really wish i am in your arms, all cuddled up in bed.
sharing the endless kisses and hugs through the cold winter night.
our bodies rubbing against each other, sensation taking over.
awaking the very next day to you drooling in your sleep.

i miss you and i still have 32 more days to go.
but i know you'll be right there waiting for me.
grow old with you, you'll always sing,
at special dates to see me smile.

will you mind growing old with me,
and see me all frumpy, skin sagging and so horribly naggy?
will i mind growing old with you,
and see you all wrinkled, sagging tattoos and terribly naggy?

will you hold my hands when we're in our golden years
as we walk down the streets?
will you hug and kiss me like in the younger years
in the openness of the public square?

just a hypothesis, nothing much.
the future is too uncertain for me to grasp.
these moments we have are all that matters
and i'll cherish them forever more

for you spoilt the market. :p

I wanna make you smile whenever you're sad
Carry you around when your arthritis is bad
All I wanna do is grow old with you

I'll get your medicine when your tummy aches
Build you a fire if the furnace breaks
Oh it could be so nice, growing old with you

I'll miss you
Kiss you
Give you my coat when you are cold

Need you
Feed you
Even let you hold the remote control

So let me do the dishes in our kitchen sink
Put you to bed when you've had too much to drink
Oh I could be the man who grows old with you
I wanna grow old with you

- Adam Sandler's Grow Old With You

hearts 23:22:00
0 spoken words

Thursday, May 24, 2007

99 days.
the significance behind the number.
the beautiful song.
the hidden gift.
the loveseeds and swans.

all done to give me a memorable 99 days of being together.

i love my baby so muchie!

photos of the gift taken by dav! thanks babe!




hearts 02:38:00
0 spoken words

Wednesday, May 23, 2007

1) What makes you happy?
doing theatre again, just looking at my baby and having really, REALLY good sleep.

2) What is true happiness for you?
sleep is the luxury everyone should gladly indulge in but i guess true happiness is when i realise i can let my guard down without fear of being struck down.

3) Tell us about a time when you felt true happiness.
it will probably be either 14th February 2007, a few days ago or a certain date about 5-6 years ago. such memories shall be kept within for it's secrecy adds to its exclusive happiness.

4) What would you be ready to do in order to make the world a happier place?
like dav, i would love to be able to do away with all the categories.

5) Are you happy?
i am till fatigue sets in, which is anytime soon.

(Happy) Tagged:
1. Ingrid
2. Mabel
3. Beizhen
4. Song Wen
5. Zhong Ying

hearts 11:08:00
0 spoken words

Saturday, May 19, 2007

it has been quite a while since i last blogged.
so many things have happened.

despairing news of the fragility of friendships.
the hypocrisy that lurks between individuals.
opinions, whether objective or subjective, exchanged
to gain a better understanding of the greater picture.

then there was the idea of ownership,
in so many ways than one.
the debates that ensued and the frustrations.
a trivial matter it could be; a legal case it would.

swarmed with a load of work,
not unfamiliar to the drawing end of a semester.
much desired chats, banters and mushy notes
were so dearly missed that my heart truly ached.

38 more days and the number shall dwindle,
a sense of dread accompanies the yearning.
the irony it seems never leaves the walking contradiction,
for that day is no further than 43 human days away.

all that has happened within the short span of time,
homecoming shall be my well-deserved break.

hearts 17:38:00
0 spoken words

Sunday, May 13, 2007

reading up on artaud and brecht, with minimal breaks for the past couple of days, i needed a break. a break to type down my thoughts. my thoughts that have been swirling in the midst of the dark abyss of my mind. for the past weeks or so, a strong desire has been welling up within. a desire so strong that i felt compelled to write it down somewhere and express it out.

to settle down. this familiarly unfamiliar desire for a more down-to-earth approach to my lifestyle, my life, and the peeps around me is so unlike me that it scared me for a bit. i'm not talking about settling down which most would associate with marriage, rather, settling down and taking a backseat from the fun in life. time to realise the full becoming of an adult, rather than the constant acts of a child. i've been a kid for the past 21, coming 22 years and this year, i'm finally able to process the thoughts that individuals, turning 21, would most likely than not, possess. jumping around like a monkey, with not a footing on the ground, i'm getting rather weary.

speaking to baby the other day, i suddenly brought up the topic of working in aussie. not just the formalised introduction to the working society in aussie when i graduate but also the undertaking of part-time/casual jobs as i study. there's this sudden craving for a more independent me. to start learning to manage my own finances, not just those provided for by my parents, but those that i earn. such thoughts did cross my mind once in a while but never one with such strong desire to finally step out of the nest and learn how to fly.

but to do all of the above, i will need to be discipline to the core of my very being. knowing myself, the laziness will creep up once in a while and one stumble will lead to a finale of all that i crave for eventual independence. i know i'm slowly regaining the discipline that i once possess. for a person who used to be too lazy to even bother doing any form of exercise, other than swim, i have been very good with my gym schedule. it might be due to the high cost of membership to the gym, it might be due to one of the member motivater in the gym, nikki, who told me that gym will only work best if i'm willing to make the effort of going down to the gym at least twice a week. i believe it's the latter for it was after what she told me that i found myself making an effort to go to the gym 2-3 times a week for at least an hour each. mum used to tell me what dad would often describe of sports, "it instills discipline into the individual if one keeps up with the sport" and i guess it holds true.

with the gym, i found myself desiring for the above two mentioned but i also found it to be surprisingly therapeutic. depression, a constant companion in my life, creeps up to me at the oddest moments. i would find myself going to bed, awaking, listening to a lecture, sitting in on a tutorial, having meals with friends, clubbing and so forth, with thoughts of death and suicide. in the past, to deal with these morbid thoughts, i would pen it down in poems, which i still do, or just drink to my heart's content. numb my brains out, stop my mind from churning those dark thoughts. recently, i found myself packing my gym bag and just heading out the door, listening to my ipod at loud level and walking with an urgency towards the gym. it doesn't matter if i return home, only to collapse onto the floor with my head clutched between my knees in tears cos at the end of the day, i knew i've stopped being the self-destructive me.

still, i'm a walking contradiction. my actions speak against my words. my thoughts against my feelings. my wants against my needs. yet, this time i feel a strong conviction to fulfill these desires of mine. i'm finally able to feel as if i'm turning 21. the year of my 21st was spend in tears and wallowing in grief. now, i've a chance. a chance to finally feel what it is like to become an adult.

hearts 01:21:00
0 spoken words

Saturday, May 12, 2007

damien leith is gonna perform at manning bar!

o my gosh!

i've been screaming for the past minutes since i found out.

OH MY GOSH!!!!!!!

AND I'M GONNA SEE HIM!

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!

hearts 21:41:00
0 spoken words

Wednesday, May 09, 2007

2 more months and it'll be 1 year since you fell into such a deep and eternal sleep.

5 days ago when i awoke with tears in my eyes, i really don't know how to react.
when my mum offered her interpretation of it, i got really excited.
i hope it's all true. i hope it's all true.

for those who are unaware of what i dreamt about, well, i dreamt of a letter written by herng jye to me dated 4th may 2007.
in it, he explained to me what happened but i couldn't remember all the details.
in it, he apologised for not being able to meet up with me.
in it, he said to me that he'll see me soon.

of course, my mum was in fright when i first told her cos she thought it meant that i'm gonna pass away soon until she asked me if anyone around me is expecting.

i pray it's the latter.
but i know i'm gonna see him again soon.

he will never disappoint me again.

a seat has been confirmed for home.
and another on the waiting list.
soon, i'll have to deal with darkness again,
but i know i've my sunshine around me.

my family, my friends, my boy,
what more could i ask?

you. just you, buddy.

hearts 00:35:00
0 spoken words

Sunday, May 06, 2007

part II of baby's 10 days' stint in sydney!

i decided to bring baby to try out beef sashimi at this japanese restaurant called tsukasa. he told me that he ain't a huge fan of sashimi so i thought i'll get to finish them off all on my own. but baby actually likes it and we actually ended up ordering two plates of it cos it was just too delicious! :Dme at tsukasa

did i mention that baby loves salty food ALOT? that's why he decided to kiss his other lover - soy sauce! heh.

the dish that we just couldn't get enough of!
*****

the following day, i brought baby to fish market with matt and diane. like he said to me earlier, he isn't a huge sashimi fan but we ate a hell lot of sashimi and we shared a seafood platter for two! both of us are just bound to put on weight, i swear!

when we just reached fish market.

i love this shot of us. vintage love. :)
*****
then saturday came all too soon. baby drove me, jason and junior to hunter valley and we enjoyed ourselves crazily there. but it's saturday and it meant that baby was leaving the next day so i got really grumpy. thank God that my baby has such a wonderful temper cos he tolerated my nonsense and still love me all the same. after the trip to the vineyards, we headed towards opera bar cos i wanted baby to see the very bar i love so much. dinner was at hurricane's and we ate so much again! we both swore to return to the gym on monday. heh.

baby at mcguigan's winery.

us at tyrell's winery. the landscape is just beautiful.

dav and i at bondi. we had to wait for an hour for the table at hurricane's. that's how good it is!

baby and i at bondi.

the boys and i waiting for our turn.

we finally got our seat!

that's my half rack of pork ribs. it's HUGE!

baby had a full rack of ribs. when he saw it, he was completely in shock!

after our sinful meal. bibs were given to prevent our tops from getting dirtied.

baby with the bowl of rib bones that we ate off. look at that massive amount of ribs!

top: jason, charles and myself.
bottom: junior, davina and baby.
*****

out of the many places i brought baby to eat at, he still loves the korean restaurant i brought him to when he first arrived. today's the last day and i thought i should bring him back there for one more meal since he love it so much.

us at the korean restaurant.

he was trying to do something really disgusting so i tried to hide. heh.

at the airport, before he went through the gates. we were still joking around and having fun teasing each other.

baby is so proud of himself of taking the perfect shot of the 3 of us so i decided to put it up here.


i can't remember when baby took this picture of me but it kinda fits my mood right now. i'm so sad that he's gone and i really wish he could stay here longer. it getting harder to say goodbye to him. we cried earlier in the week cos reality started to sink in that he has to leave soon. my baby also cooked me garlic and tomato prawn stew and stir-fried noodles with crispy chicken the other day. we were too hungry and gobbled everything up without taking any photos. at the airport, i held on to him and was unwilling to let go. i even asked him if he could not go back but i know i was being silly.

i miss my baby.
i miss his nonsense.
i miss him putting me to sleep.
i miss him hugging me through the night.

i came home and i saw some scribbling on my white board.

i love you baby!! take care :)

bird.
i love you too baby.
more and more each day.

i miss you so bad now.
hope you have a good flight back baby.

hearts 22:18:00
0 spoken words

Tuesday, May 01, 2007

happy 22nd priya!

hearts 23:15:00
0 spoken words


it has been 10 months since you left and i thought i was better till i broke down about 5 days ago after a gym workout.
i was struggling as i walked back and the moment my door closed on me, i dropped to my knees and started to pray. my tears began to flow uncontrollably.

i miss you.
it's just not right for me to carry on with life without you around but i know i have to.
this song is for you.
when i first heard it, i thought it was speaking my thoughts.
i miss you.

You took my hand
You showed me how
You promised me you'd be around
Uh huh
That's right
I took your words
And I believed
In everything
You said to me
Yeah huh
That's right

If someone said three years from now
You'd be long gone
I'd stand up and punch them up
Cause they're all wrong
I know better
Cause you said forever
And ever
Who knew

Remember when we were such fools
And so convinced and just too cool
Oh no
No no
I wish I could touch you again
I wish I could still call you friend
I'd give anything

When someone said count your blessings now
For they're long gone
I guess I just didn't know how
I was all wrong
They knew better
Still you said forever
And ever
Who knew

Yeah yeah
I'll keep you locked in my head
Until we meet again
Until we
Until we meet again
And I won't forget you my friend
What happened

If someone said three years from now
You'd be long gone
I'd stand up and punch them out
Cause they're all wrong and
That last kiss
I'll cherish
Until we meet again
And time makes
It harder
I wish I could remember
But I keep
Your memory
You visit me in my sleep
My darling
Who knew
My darling
My darling
Who knew
My darling
I miss you
My darling
Who knew
Who knew

-- Pink's Who Knew

hearts 23:12:00
0 spoken words