walking contradiction

25 years old.
a girl of irony.
studying in university of new south wales - ba/llb.
living and let live.
truly blessed by His and his love.

Created by Wedding Favors

time constrained


another dimension



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benje. carol. crystal. daniel ho. davina. doreen. evelyn. ingrid. iniQx. jac. jess. julian. karen. kimberly. leon. li en. mabel. melissa. nick. shirley. stefan. xiaowei. yee huat. yusuf. zhong ying.


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. feelings and thoughts .

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Tuesday, August 19, 2003

I'll not be putting up any new things. Not for a while. I'm trying to abide by him again. I feel so useless but I have to. He says I'm powerful over him. I tell you, Mervin, you're the powerful one. I just pray that someday, maybe someday, things will change.

hearts 01:53:00
0 spoken words

Saturday, August 16, 2003














I am 24% evil.
Take the test :: koolplace.com



hearts 03:33:00
0 spoken words


YESTERDAY - Thursday

I went to school earlier for live DJ practice at radio studio. Spoke to Ann about meeting up with Shirlaine and how I wanna pierce a earhole on my left earlobe after I saw Shirlaine's. Damn. Shirlaine!! You tempted me. =P I also casually mentioned to some other friends that maybe it's time I try and be back like who I am before. Back to being on that path. But when I look at my hair - I just couldn't bear to. Sometimes, I just feel so tired of everything. Yet on other times, I feel so full of energy, ready to fight off all invaders.

After lesson, Beizhen and I went to Parkway to do some research for PQS. Met Peiying on the bus and learnt that she passed out of NPCC as only a corporal and Daphne, a staff sergeant. Beizhen and I then proceed towards Charles & Keith and pretended to try on some shoes. The service was not that fantastic so I told Beizhen to try another shop. We went upstairs to Sembawang Music Centre to try our luck. Beizhen's first comment was - "Wow. It's so messy." It indeed was or I was a klutz cos I caused 2 CDs to drop.

Went home after that. Called Mervin up. Wanted to tell him some other stuff but held back. Decided to just ask him for UFS notes. He just replied a quick yes. I was rather hurt by it and I just cried after I hung up the call. Dilly dallied around; posting notes on Keeptouch till about 2145hrs. Beizhen, Ann and Yusuf finally arrived! Yusuf shaved his hair. He looks kinda cool but it doesn't matter. =P

I called Yidali before we begin doing our project. Talked to Yidali for a while cos I told him Ann is at my place. He quickly told me to go do my work otherwise Ann will scold. See Ann, you've got a bad reputation already. =P We did Media Research till about 0500hrs the next day. Downloaded some hill songs and had fun trying to translate Meteor Garden for Yusuf. Ann, Beizhen and Yusuf also tried out VOS. The way they played it. It was just hilarious.

TODAY - Friday

Nearly forgot to type out the Contact report for yesterday's advertising meeting. Rushed it out before I rush cab to school. Ms. Chan actually scolded us for doing a questionaire out for her. I can't believe it! I mean, I thought most teachers will feel happy cos we bothered to do some thing. Well, never mind. Kinda lucky that we did, at least we know where we are and how to make it better. Didn't get to sleep much at all.

After school ended, Ann, Beizhen, Lidong and I went down to Far East Plaza to have lunch. We ordered Sambal Sotong, Sweet & sour chicken and hot plate tofu. Yusuf joined us shortly after that. Peifang messaged me to ask me what time I'll be at Parkway so I just said I'll be there soon. Told them that I had to leave so all of us paid and left together. Lidong and Yusuf went off on their own. Beizhen and I walked towards Lucky Plaza bus stop. Ann went off to work. I was nearly in tears already. All these places hold too much memories for me.

I took Bus 16 and cried as the bus travelled down to Plaza Singapura, circled around City Hall and Bugis area. These were the places Mervin and I frequent. The tears just kept rolling down. I wanted so much to just call him and tell him that I'm crying but I know he'll not be happy. Before I reached Parkway, I stopped myself from crying and forced a smile onto my face before I met up with Peifang and Karen. I don't want them to know that I'm still crying. They have worried for me way too much too.

Karen and Peifang bought for me a Pooh pillow for my birthday. So sweet of them. =) Thanks gals. I really have no idea what else to say. I met the guy from PQS at Parkway. It's as if every other day I'm meeting him. Talk about coincidental. LOL. On my way home from Parkway, I wanted to cry cos I was reminded of what Mervin and I did at Parkway. The whole scene just played back in my mind. It was too much for me to take.

The moment I reach my estate, tears were rolling down my cheeks again. I just cried and cried as I tried to grasp tight to reality that I've lost him. I remembered how he walked me home; how he and I went to minimart; how he sat beneath my block and I trying to persuade him to go to my house and shit; how we sat on the top floor of the carpark - talking about our problems. Every single details just played back in my mind. It was too hard for me to ignore, too hard for me to not cry.

I reach home and I called him. Not long after the conversation started, he wanted to rush off. I asked him whether we can meet on Saturday. He said no, without any consideration. I asked him is he busy or he doesn't want to meet me. I couldn't hear his reply. Then he mentioned that he can't talk anymore. Then I ask him - are you busy or do you not want to talk to me. And he said he doesn't want to talk to me. I was very hurt. I was struggling to keep my tears at bay. I asked him why he changed his phone and I couldn't catch his reply. He then said he had a second line and hung up on me.

I cried. I just kept crying. It's like as if the tap came loose again. How long more can I take this? I'm not sure. I came back to my laptop and saw his message to me saying that he changed his handphone to make me forget about him. I told him to stop it. I told him to stop doing all these things. I just kept crying as I typed. I told him I can't forget him and he just said he has already forgotten me. Then he came out with a riddle and wanted me to guess the song. If I could, he will do whatever I want. If I can't, I'm to stop bothering him.

I was in a frenzy. I opened IEs after IEs trying to find the title of the song. I didn't wanna lose him. No.. not like that but he didn't give me a chance. He told me this song doesn't exist. He started to say things to me like why can't I learn how to stop crying and why am I doing this to myself. I answered but he said I was contradicting. I just kept crying and trying my darnest to let him know how I'm feeling. He says he trying hard to be a bastard so that I will stay far far away from him but how far can I stay away when my heart still yearns for him? Thus, he says I don't love myself.

If I don't love myself, I won't be here today.. won't be alive.. won't be talking to anyone.. won't be anything. I'll just be this soul-less person wandering around, lost, sunk in depression, killing myself in every possible way, isolate myself but I didn't. Cos I'm trying my best to be normal when I'm not. Trying my best to be happy when I'm not. You do not know how much paint is used on my face each day to have that smile. You do not know the lengths I go to, to convince people that I'll be fine. You do not know.

After a while, he didn't wish to speak to me.. and I just started to list down all the memories that I hold dear to. Like how he called me on 1st Sept 2001 to ask me to be his girl. Like how he panicked when I refused to answer his calls and how upset he was. Like how he skipped his lesson on a Thursday just to spend our first Valentine's Day together. I list down alot of these memories and as I list, I just kept crying like how I am now as I type.

He then comment that all I'm choosing to remember are the happy times. I do not just remember happy moments. I remember those moments when I get so insecure that I'm practically shivering everynight, wondering when he'll leave. I remember those moments how after each arguments we had, I'll just cry and seek for forgiveness, be it my fault or not. I remember lotsa things. I remember how we got through obstacles after obstacles. You do not know how dear I hold these memories to. You don't.

As I carried on listing, he just said stop saying, I'm going out. I begged him.. Please. He asked Please what. And added that he's going out now can? I said to him 'give us another chance can?' He simply replied 'ok bye' after that. I don't know does it mean that this relationship is given the chance to regain its former colors or what. I'm just so confused.

Yet I'll keep praying that he'll give us another chance. Give this relationship another chance. And I'll be praying...

hearts 02:50:00
0 spoken words

Thursday, August 14, 2003

Today, I woke up with a block nose. Couldn't breathe. Couldn't do anything. Had to wash up and go see a doctor. Before I went to see the doctor, I messaged Mervin to tell him that since everything happened, I've fallen ill thrice. And now, I've to go see the doctor again. I received no reply from him. I was quite disheartened but I didn't think much of it. I was too sick to bother about anything now.

Went to see the doctor at Bedok Family Clinic. The doctor is seriously weird. He didn't even bothered to give me a MC till I asked for it. After that, I went to school and did my live DJ practice at radio studio. Had lunch at canteen 1 and discussed about advertising. I went off after that, skipping Newswriting and Advertising.

I overslept on the bus on my way to Eunos. Luckily, a guy from my PQS class woke me up. He was like smiling and we talked for a while. He's quite a nice guy and he looks like Jeff Wang! Was about to walk towards the bus stop to take a bus home when I saw Ting Ying. Asked her where's she heading to and she said she was going to the airport to meet Shirlaine and Huimin. I almost immediately forgot that I was ill and went along with her to airport to find them.

Spoke to Shirlaine about the break up and stuff. She made me write stuff and I helped her with her GP essay. She's looking better each time I see her. Huimin and Ting Ying is still Mayday crazy. I'm still Takeshi crazy. =P Yidali messaged me and asked how I am and stuff. Bernard too. Kinda please that there are people who actually cares for me. -sob-

Gone home after that. Received a message from Mervin - "That's why ask you not to worry so much otherwise will fall ill". I was kinda shock. I wasn't expecting any forms of reply from him. I just replied back I'm not worrying. I'm grieving. And asked was the service lagging and he said ya. I just messaged him back I miss him afterwhich, he didn't reply anymore. Yidali called later and we talked on the phone. He said I really sound sick and I was like why would I lie about such things? We talked for a while then he went off to eat his burger and me, my dinner.

I'm now confused. Something inside me is telling me that I'm gonna create alot of confusion if I still do not decide on what I want. Yet I'm unable to. Maybe I'm just a screwed up individual. I still wanna be with him yet.. -sigh- Things are just screwed up.

hearts 01:48:00
0 spoken words

Wednesday, August 13, 2003

YESTERDAY

Went to help Pauline's friend's audio project. Managed to finish everything within 2 takes. Got to know some really cool people and learn more about the mixer and stuff. Pauline asked how were things and I just said I don't know. I wish I can be strong and just leave but I am not sure if I can. She just kept nodding her head and I guess she has no idea what else is there left for her to say. I didn't wish for her to say much too cos what's the use of saying so much when I won't bother listening right?

After lessons, I went to look for him. He dyed his hair copper red I think and put a tattoo that looked fake to me on his right arm. He changed his handphone to a Samsung model. I clung on to him the moment I saw him. I just didn't wanna let go. All that bullshit talk about wanting to let him go was just bull. I couldn't let go. I just hang on to him and kept repeating that I want to try again. He didn't look at me in the eye but he, too, kept on saying that he don't wanna try anymore. He looked into the distance when he said he don't love me anymore. My heart shattered. I wanted to cry but I tried my best to hold back. I'm sorry, baby, if I cried yesterday, I've already tried very hard to hold back but sometimes, I just couldn't do it anymore.

I told him that I must try and he just replied, "Try lo, you try yourself." I just took up the challenge. I told him if I have to do it myself to convince you that I will, cos I saw and felt something entirely different from the way he told me he don't love me anymore. He tried to aggravate my hurt by saying he doesn't treasure me. I wanted to slap him but I restrained myself. I just stared out and thought to myself, why is he doing all these? He tried to make me leave by saying he's interested in another girl. I told him I don't believe. He asked me if any guys were after me, I just said yes but it doesn't matter.

He asked me why I'm doing this to myself and why can't I love myself more. I didn't know how to reply cos I don't even know the answers myself. What is putting me through all these? What is making me go through all these? I don't know. I just told him I wanna try and that if I don't try now, I might never have the chance to anymore. He ask me why? I told him I'm going away soon... after poly ends. Then he ask me where? I just reply, "somewhere far far away." Then he ask me if he was to try again and we stay together for another 2 years then I'll still have to leave, won't things be worse? Then I just reply back, if we can be together for another 2 years then I'm sure somehow we will manage something out of it.

Then he just kept shaking his head. He laid back and I laid down beside him. I look at him and kissed him. He just laid there and I just laid on his chest. Then we sat up and I went to sit in front of him. His arms came round me. I can feel it... I can feel that somewhere there's still something. The way I laid on his chest, I can feel a totally different vibe. He kept pushing me to leave and I did, eventually.

But I didn't go far. As I entered the lift and walked out of his block, tears were streaming down my face. I just kept crying and crying. I went straight to the park in front of his place and sat there. I cried my heart out. I muttered prayers to the Lord asking him for forgiveness, asking him to forgive him for saying those hurtful words. I ask the Lord to give me the strength to do whatever he wishes me to do. I ask the Lord to harden my heart so that I'll no longer have to feel love and the hurt it brings again. Then it started to pour, it's as if God was crying for me too. I messaged Yidali to tell him that I'm crying again and that I'm still not over Mervin. He replied back later that he wants me to be happy. He says what's the use of crying?

Yunting freaked out when I called her and I just kept lamenting that I'm tired. She was worried I might go kill myself. Frankly, I was on the verge too. I was just so tired that I wanted to end everything. I know it's irresponsible but it was the only thing I can think of to end this hurt. She tried to call him on his handphone but he hung up on her. She was angry and kept asking me to return or meet her somewhere at least. I finally calmed down and I just said ok, I meet you at city hall.

I went down to Suntec to meet her. I was early so I went to the spot where I received my first present from Mervin. I still remember how I made fun of his teeth whilst we were taking the escalator up. How I chided him for smoking before meeting me. I still remember every detail of that meeting but what's the use? He doesn't. I went to the spot where he and I sat under the stars waiting for Jeffrey and his other friends to turn up. I sat on the exact same bench and I just looked around me. Everything was still the same but he's no longer there with me. Yunting got Samuel to come down to meet me as well. I'm really sorry to have bothered him. But Yunting was still worried for me and persuaded me to go over her place to stay.

I messaged Mervin to tell him that I'm not going home. He messaged back and asked where are you going? Yunting was surprised that he actually replied but she didn't say much. We spoke alot about other things and how she rather I go for another guy now. I told her straight in the face, I can go find a guy and just go with him but what's the point? My heart is still with Mervin, everything and everywhere I go, I'll be thinking of Mervin. I rather be the one suffering than let another person suffer as well.

TODAY

I went to school from Yunting's place today. Went to eat at Net restaurant for the first time. Their black pepper steak was fantastic. I was sick though so I went home earlier to rest. Yunting messaged me to ask how I am. I told her I messaged Mervin to tell him that I still wanna try even if it means I've to do it alone. I also called him to tell him what I wanted to say. She told me she's having problems too and that both of us should move on together.

I told her I don't know if I should move on but I know I can't let go. There are just some things in life I can't give up. She understands and says that she's trying hard not to message someone. I told her that I'm, too, resisting against the urge to message Mervin to tell him that I love him and stuff like that. I'm trying my best but does he know? He doesn't. Probably to him, I'm just another selfish nut.

hearts 01:56:00
0 spoken words


You represent... angst.
You represent... angst.
You have an extremely cynical outlook on just about
everything. It's okay to sulk and be
depressed, but life is short, and you only get
one. It's only what you make it, and only you
can make it improve.


What feeling do you represent?
brought to you by Quizilla

hearts 00:37:00
0 spoken words

Monday, August 11, 2003


Are You Naughty or Nice?


I'm nice? So why did he go away? -sigh-

Dangerously In Love
How deeply in love are you?

brought to you by Quizilla

I'm a nutcase. I swear I am. -sigh-

hearts 00:28:00
0 spoken words


Aurora
You are Aurora from Sleeping Beauty!


What Disney Princess are you?
brought to you by Quizilla


No wonder my nickname is Sleeping beauty. =P

hearts 00:17:00
0 spoken words


I woke up late today so wasn't able to make it for service. Another reason being that I've fallen ill. Can't believe it. Since the break-up, I've fallen ill twice, it's like even my body is giving up on me. My life is seriously a joke. I'm trying very hard to think positively all day long but it's so hard. Every corner I turn, every path I take, every song I hear - they just remind me of him so much. I woke up in a total daze. Kept dreaming of him the entire night. It's as if his presence refuse to leave. His presence still affects me so much.

Mum brought Sonia, Mabel and I out again. Got a tasmania water bottle. It's so cute. I really wish I can be like Taz, so carefree, so freed from worries. I'm just the opposite. Filled with fears and worries every night. I'm afraid to go to sleep on my own bed. I'm afraid to enter my bathroom. I'm afraid to cuddle the soft toys that I love so much. -sob- Anyway, we went to watch Daddy Daycare. It was hilarious. I suppose it's the only thing that seriously made me laugh the entire day. I walked around Tampines Mall and was reminded of how we went there just recently. How happy we were. It's just so ironic how things can change so fast. I wanted so much to cry. I could still remember vividly what we did there. How we sat on the steps at the MRT station. How he went off to buy ciggies whilst I listened to Chee Soon Juan speak. It seems just like yesterday that he told me that he loves me and don't wanna lose me. I have to wake up from this nightmare. I have to. I'm getting too tired.

When I reach home, I got changed and went straight to lie on my parents' bed. I couldn't resist but call him and ask him to confirm whether tomorrow is on or off. He said yes. I quickly hung up. I heard a female's voice in the background. Is he seeing another girl? I don't know. All I know is that it hurts. It really hurt. I just cried. I cried in despair. I cried out in pain. Being the weakling I am, I messaged him and said I don't wanna give up on us. He didn't reply. I fell asleep and dreamt of him again. I woke up an hour later and decided that I needed to tell him how I feel and I did. I called him to tell him that I wanna try again. He didn't say much... he just said 'ok.. bye'.

What does that mean? I don't know. All I know is my strength, my faith, my everything have eluded me. I want him to know that my heart still beats for him, breathes for him, sings for him. I want him to know that no matter where I am, what I'm doing, who I'm with, he'll always be the one holding the place in my heart.

hearts 00:12:00
0 spoken words

Sunday, August 10, 2003

I wanted to sleep yesterday but Yunting asked me out early in the morning to church. I wasn't exactly awake when I arrived but when the lyrics "You know that I love you.. You know that I want to know you so much more.." started, I just woke up! I wanted to know God more! I wanted God to know I love him! Praise the Lord. I had a great service, singing lots of my favorite songs. Gonna have another service later today. I'm like totally basking in his glory.

Spoke to Yunting about Mervin today again. She was rather upset that I still love him and still wanna be with him but she understands why. I'm really grateful that I've a friend like her. Then on my way home, I felt a sudden urge to message him yet a pressing thought that I shouldn't. I just kept struggling with myself, trying to make myself understand that things are no longer the same. Yet everything seems so hard. It's like something is pulling me back, telling me that time will show me something different later. -sigh- I'm feeling so tired.

After I reach home, I went to look for my sister, Sonia. Played with her. Really had a great time with her. As I look at how she laughs and smiles, I just kept praying to the Lord that may all the misfortunes that is meant to be placed upon her, be placed upon me. Let one of us be happy - truthfully happy. I have suffered much, what more can sufferings do to me? Rob me off my sanity? So be it. It was never meant to be around anyway. I decided to make some brownies after that and got Sonia to help me out. My mum basically did the basics for us. Sonia and I just mix the stuff up and get it to be baked. It was not bad.

I brought some for combined cell group barbecue after that. Celine commented that it's not bad. I sense a new calling in life! I can bake now! =P Shane asked me how was my other half? And I just looked at him.. and ask "What did you just say?" then I turned away. I was not ready to be reminded of the break up. I was running away from reality but reality came back to hit me straight at my face. I approached Joshua later and asked him whether he knew my relationship is almost gone and he said ya. We talked and he cheered me up. Spoke about a lot of things and even manage to find out that he actually knew one of my primary school classmates. Talk about a small world.

However, I got depress soon enough. I called Melvina and asked her out to chat. It was already 11pm but she readily agreed. Went to Eastpoint to meet her. I told her what happen and she was in total shock. She told me that what I'm saying about Mervin now is like a 180degrees change from what I said about him a couple of months back. She told me that she will not discourage nor will she encourage me to hold on to the relationship. We talked about lots of stuff. When I'm with her, I don't feel the need to be proper. I can be like how I am - uncouth and all. Spoke in hokkien and all the profanities just came flying out. It was cool. It's like I finally manage to let everything out. Yet, the sentence that shook me was - "You are the strongest amongst us three." How can I be the strongest when here I am... trying so hard to let go but can't? I feel so useless. -sigh-

When I reach home, I messaged Zhiyang and Tingting. Told Ting2 that I will be meeting Mervin on Monday to clear my stuff from his place and probably talk things through. She asked me whether I needed her company. I just replied back "I will need you soon enough." We arranged to meet up sometime soon for a meal but when will that be? Better check my schedule!

I'm really exhausted after this long day. I miss him alot. Frankly, I've been thinking of him the entire day. Once in a while, I'll just think to myself he decided to let you go. You're worthless.. not worthy of him. Stop being such a desperado. But I can't. How can I ever make him understand that moving on might be easy but letting go is hard. Moving on is just a superficial thing but in my heart, he will always be my love. I love him too deeply... it's almost impossible to comprehend. I wanna let go but I can't and I'm not sure if I should. So stop forcing me to give up when I can't do it. I've had enough!! I really had. I'm tired. I'm tired of all these. I'm tired of always crying for someone who doesn't seem to care anymore. I'm tired of being such a nuisance to my love ones. I'm tired of being alive. I'm tired!! Let me go to sleep... God... Let me awake in your presence. Take me away from all these pain. Take me away... to be with You.

I'll never be able to understand why you wanna let go.. like how you'll never understand why I can't let go. Understood? -sigh-

hearts 03:07:00
0 spoken words

Saturday, August 09, 2003

Into Eternity
You are Axana, Goddess of Eternity. A people-
watcher by nature, you would rather watch and
learn the mistakes others have made so you
don't make the same.


What Goddess are You?
brought to you by Quizilla

hearts 00:21:00
0 spoken words


You are Lamentations
You are Lamentations.


Which book of the Bible are you?
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hearts 00:16:00
0 spoken words



Which [5 Elements] are you?


hearts 00:06:00
0 spoken words



What's your usual [mood]?


hearts 00:05:00
0 spoken words



Which [Charlie's Angels] characters are you?


hearts 00:04:00
0 spoken words


You are Neo
You are Neo, from "The Matrix." You
display a perfect fusion of heroism and
compassion.


What Matrix Persona Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla

hearts 00:02:00
0 spoken words

Friday, August 08, 2003

Yesterday's Letter
I wrote a letter yesterday
Just trying to explain
Couldn't find the words to say
Cause you are so far away
So far away

I wrote a letter yesterday
It's so hard for me to face
That it had to end this way
But my love will never change

You can just walk away
But I don't feel the same
My heart still beats for you, breaths for you, sings for you
And those feelings will never fade
I can hide my pain
But I can never hide the way I feel for you

I've been talking in my sleep
About the way it used to be
Girl, I pray that you'll hear me
And then I'll see you in my dreams
Oh, in my dreams

But I can't forget the words you said to move on with my life
And no matter what I'll carry you inside

[chorus]

Sooner or later you're going to realize
That this type of love happens once in your life
So open your eyes, girl, and see what we could be
Come back to me

[chorus]

[chorus]


~98 Degrees - Yesterday's Letter

hearts 23:48:00
0 spoken words


I cried today on my bus ride home. It has been 6 days since I last cried. I've been controlling my tears all these while... today, the tap came loose. I didn't understand why but the sense of loss within my heart is immense. I cried and I cried. Tried to reason with myself that I can't carry on crying cos he will never know how much tears I've shed for him but I couldn't stop. The tears seem to have a mind of their own. They just kept flowing and flowing. For a moment, I thought that I will get sick of crying but I'm wrong. I'll never stop crying. I'll never stop wanting to be with him. Till I turn my back against Love.

I tried to hate him. Hate him for all the hurtful words he said to me. Hate him for abandoning this relationship. Hate him for hurting me and putting me through this agony. I tried. I really did. But I couldn't. Soon enough, I find myself - reasoning with myself that he's doing all these for a reason. He's saying those hurtful words to make me give up. He's abandoning this relationship - despite his own reluctance. He's hurting me and putting me through this agony... he might be feeling the same. I just couldn't bring myself to hate him at all.

I called him just now to ask him whether I can meet him next Monday. He replied, "should be ok." I wanted to say more. I wanted to tell him that I cried today. I wanted to tell him that I miss him alot. I wanted to tell him that the hurt I'm feeling is getting too much. I wanted to tell him that I love him and that I really want to be with him cos it's all I've ever dreamt of. I wanted to tell him so many things but I didn't dare. I could only mutter a soft 'bye'.

I find myself feeling more and more tired as the days go by. I have no energy left to carry on. I have no strength to see myself through another day without tears. All I really want to do now is to hug him and ask him to come back to me. I'm willing to throw away everything just to be with him. I'm willing to go through hell to be with him. I'm willing to do all these and so much more... If only I'm given the chance to. If only...

hearts 23:44:00
0 spoken words

Thursday, August 07, 2003

I spoke to him over icq yesterday before I left for school. I told him point blank that I still love him, miss him and still hoping that we will reconcil. He didn't get upset neither was he significantly happy but he just said he'll let me know when we can meet up. I asked him to visit this blog, saying that all my thoughts - everything - was written here. He came and commented that it's nice and to keep up the good work. And asked who is this guy I'm interested in. I told him it's on rebound and that my heart still yearns for him. He asked again and I said who do you think it is? He replied back with the guy's name and 'lol'.

I'm really confused by all these. I don't know what I'm to do. All I know is - Don't ask me to move on cos I've tried... and failed. I've tried to make life easier for myself but I can't. Can't someone just tell him that deep inside, the only way for me to be happy once again, is for him to show me love once again. I love him but does he know? Does he understand the pain and hurt I'm going through? Maybe whatever I say is in vain... but I don't know...

I felt giddy when I alighted from the bus. I thought to myself - Good! I should just faint... hit my head... lose my memory. Maybe everything will get better. I will forget all these hurt and pain. I won't remember how much tears I've shed and how hard I've tried.

Last night, Ann came over to my place to do Media Research whilst I interviewed Yidali on National Day Parade. We went to buy Char Siew rice from the stall downstairs before doing our research and interview. One of the guys from the stall made fun of me by saying that one of them wanted my number. I simply laughed. I didn't know what to say and didn't know what to do. I was that confused. Ann left my place slightly past midnight.

I log onto IRC after that and was approached by him. He asked me whether I could help him with his assignment. What a thing to ask! Of course I'll help but he'll never understand why I was willing to stay up till almost 2am when I'm dog-tired. Will he ever be able to feel the love I have for him? Will he ever reconsider to give us another chance? I'm praying... I'm praying for that day to come. I'm praying for him to return.

I dreamt of him again... He was messaging me, asking how I am. I went to meet him and we just hugged. I couldn't recall much anymore. I've been in a rather confused state for a long time. I'm no longer thinking straight. Sometimes... just sometimes.. I wish that I will meet with some sort of accident that will leave me either dead or something. Maybe then will everybody start feeling better. Maybe then nobody will have to worry for me, this problematic girl. Maybe then he will no longer have a burden like me. Maybe then... everybody will start feeling better.

Maybe.. just maybe.

hearts 19:12:00
0 spoken words

Wednesday, August 06, 2003

I woke up late today and missed my radio workshop. For the past 3 weeks, I've been trying to exhaust myself out. I don't know why I'm doing so but I just feel so lethargic about everything. I have no mood to go school, no mood to chat, no mood to even think. I tried to talk to him last night but he didn't reply. When I messaged him "gonna ignore me again? ho seh lo", he replied back rather hostilely that he was just doing project and just logged offline.

I tried to apologize to him that I didn't mean it that way, just that I thought he was trying to ignore me again. Maybe he forgave me... I don't know. All I know is after that, I couldn't bear to stay online anymore. I felt like my whole world has really came down on me. I wanted so much to just call him and cry to him about how I feel, how I so want to be with him but I figured that I shouldn't. He'll probably find me a nuisance if I did that.

Sometimes I feel as if I'm really trying too hard to be somebody that I'm not. Sometimes I feel that the way I'm behaving is so totally different from the past 'me'. I'm so filled with fear everynight, wondering what has gotten into me. Why have I became of such? Yet the question of the day will always be - How can I get him back?

I dreamt of him last night. I dreamt that I was at his place and he was sitting at his computer table, typing. I was there to clear the things that I've left behind and to return him all his stuff. But when I place all the items down, I went straight towards him and hug him from the back. Refusing to let go. I remember that I was crying in my dreams, trying to hold on to this man I love so deeply. And he turned around and said to me, "try and let go". I couldn't do it and I told him so. Then he hugged me too, as if to reassure me that things will be better. I remember kissing him in my dreams and in between my kisses, I remember telling him that I still love him and I still want to be with him. I see no future with any other man except him.

These dreams... I've been having them for nights... What does it mean? When will he ever understand how much hurt and pain I'm feeling right now? When will he know that he should not let this relationship go to waste? I don't know. I really don't.

hearts 13:56:00
0 spoken words


I was all geared up to go find him today, only to be notified by him at 1+am that he will not be able to meet me. I got quite upset cos I've baked the cookies that I want so much to give to him and I was really looking forward to seeing him. I called him up to ask him when can I meet him as I really needed to know what's my next step going to be but he was not able to give me a date. -sigh-

Went to school in a daze. Trying so hard to keep myself awake and to understand that things are different now. Went around telling people who knew Mervin and I that we have broken up. I still can't get over it cos there's still this tiny little hope in me that we will be able to reconcil yet I feel that chances are slim. I nearly cried in school today when I went to the various places in campus. I'm still reminded of how he and I used to just sit around chatting happily with each other. I miss him so much but does he know? He only thinks that I'm being selfish by trying to hold on to this relationship. -sigh-

After school, I went out to meet Bernard. He cheered me up alot and commented that I'm a strong girl; I should be able to move on, it's only whether I want to or not. We went to orchard to have our dinner and walked around before returning home. As I walked from one location to another, I was reminded of the times when Mervin and I used to just walk around and talk about things. How we used to just kiss and hug one another. I miss those times and I really wanted so much to just cry. But I can't. Will he ever be able to understand the hurt I'm feeling???

I dreamt of him again last night. I dreamt that we met up and his friend, Benji, messaged him to ask him how were things. I dreamt that he decided that he will give it one last shot and give us another chance. I woke up, wondering to myself what does this mean? How am I to move on when every single night I'm having dreams of him and my heart still yearns for him? Can someone please just tell me how?

hearts 02:16:00
0 spoken words


Your a very warm person who wants to be loved for who you are. Love means the world to you but you want it to be right. You have a vision of perfection when it comes to true love.
Your a very warm person who wants to be loved for
who you are. Love means the world to you but
you want it to be right. You have a vision of
perfection when it comes to true love. Just
remember, love is always perfect, but people
never are. You gotta be willing to take the
good with the bad, just as you want people to
except that about you.


What does love mean to you?
brought to you by Quizilla

hearts 02:05:00
0 spoken words



Which [Seven Dwarfs] are you?


hearts 02:02:00
0 spoken words

Tuesday, August 05, 2003

I dreamt of him again. In that blissful context where all I can hear is laughter. It was so real. I thought I was actually living through it till I was awaken by a call from my mum. I went to school today in a cheerful state. Full of smiles and laughter but deep inside, I was crying. I'm still not able to let go of this beautiful relationship. My friends gathered round me to give me support. People who barely knew me, emailed or private messaged me on how I am getting along; bringing forth many wonderful advises.

I'm really very touched by everybody's effort in comforting me yet my heart yearns for only his comfort. Yearns for his voice to say it's all just a nightmare. I wish I can just wake up to my senses that this will never be. That he has changed from the man I once love to someone totally alien. I wish I could turn back time and change some things, maybe things will be different. Maybe all these pain will not exist. My aunt called me to check on me. I struggled hard to fight back my tears. I wanted so much to just cry and tell her I'm not ok. I held back... She has worried for me way too much.

I went to paint my nails today. Vanessa was asking me how I am and commented that I look better than 2 weeks ago. I look to her and I said "I am looking better but I'm no where near better... I still love him, still wanna be with him." She just replied back simply, "prove to him that you're strong... don't let him look down on you". I don't know whether I can do it or will my facade just fade away the moment he appears.

I'm going to his place tomorrow to do some final housekeeping. There are stuff needed to be returned and things to be taken. Maybe... maybe I'll swallow my dignity and pride once again, and ask him to return. Maybe I'll submit myself to his desires just to be with him. I don't know. So many 'maybes'; so little courage. I'm not able to think clearly yet I hope that soon... clarity will be within me again.

P.S. Nishant, thanks for your email. :) Let me know your blog ya? So that I can link it up.

hearts 01:08:00
0 spoken words

Sunday, August 03, 2003

I went out with mum, Mabel and Sonia today. Went to Suntec and was reminded of the first date Mervin and I had as a couple. We were so happy and excited then. Talked about the future and all. Now, things soured. His refusal to listen to my pleas and cries for a second chance for this relationship. 2 years... After 2 years, he said he was tired and want to give up. 2 years... Through this 2 years, he and I went through so much but now, he say give up..

I wanted so much to break down and cry but I know I can't do that. It will be causing more hurt to my mum. Maybe before I go to sleep, maybe... I'll let my tears be my companion through the lonely night. Many people asked me why I put myself through all these miseries even when I know how eager he is to abandon the entire relationship. I wasn't able to reply cos I don't know what is holding my sanity there, what is holding me up there. Could it be love? I can only wonder.

I dreamt last night that he returned and became part of my life again. Living a blissful and happy life together. With him smiling and saying I'm sorry for making you feel that way. And me, standing there, hugging him and telling him that it's alright... as long as he's back. I woke up in tears, in disbelief that a once happy relationship could turn sour. How he shuns me now, cuts my heart deeper than anything else. When will it heal? I don't know. There are nights when I just pray that God will take me away from all these and allow me to stay by His side. I know it's irresponsible but the hurt and pain I'm feeling, only I know what it's like.

My aunt cried for me when she saw me cry yesterday. She told me she couldn't believe that me, her niece who never cried since she was a baby, was crying her heart out for a boy. My mum cried too when she saw how I just cried and said so many irresponsible things over the internet. I'm really sorry for bringing so much pain and hurt to the people who truly love me. I'm trying my hardest to move on but please forgive me, if my heart still yearns to be with him. Cos I still believe that he and I, do have a future together.

I won't deny that I'm kinda interested in somebody else. Though many asked me to just tell this someone how I feel, I'm just not ready for it. My heart is still being held by him and is not ready for something new so fast. Maybe Time will heal. Maybe Love will show itself to me again and dazzle me with its splendour and wonders yet again.

hearts 23:11:00
0 spoken words


I manage to do some changes to the blog. Like changing the skin and stuff. -grinz- Glad it's up. Trying to make life fun for myself since the break up. Not totally over him but I'm getting there. I'm sure.

hearts 01:19:00
0 spoken words


Decided to abandon my old blog. This is new cos I'm now more cynical and more irritated with life. Isn't that splendid!

hearts 00:49:00
0 spoken words