YESTERDAY - Thursday
I went to school earlier for live DJ practice at radio studio. Spoke to Ann about meeting up with Shirlaine and how I wanna pierce a earhole on my left earlobe after I saw Shirlaine's. Damn. Shirlaine!! You tempted me. =P I also casually mentioned to some other friends that maybe it's time I try and be back like who I am before. Back to being on that path. But when I look at my hair - I just couldn't bear to. Sometimes, I just feel so tired of everything. Yet on other times, I feel so full of energy, ready to fight off all invaders.
After lesson, Beizhen and I went to Parkway to do some research for PQS. Met Peiying on the bus and learnt that she passed out of NPCC as only a corporal and Daphne, a staff sergeant. Beizhen and I then proceed towards Charles & Keith and pretended to try on some shoes. The service was not that fantastic so I told Beizhen to try another shop. We went upstairs to Sembawang Music Centre to try our luck. Beizhen's first comment was - "Wow. It's so messy." It indeed was or I was a klutz cos I caused 2 CDs to drop.
Went home after that. Called Mervin up. Wanted to tell him some other stuff but held back. Decided to just ask him for UFS notes. He just replied a quick yes. I was rather hurt by it and I just cried after I hung up the call. Dilly dallied around; posting notes on Keeptouch till about 2145hrs. Beizhen, Ann and Yusuf finally arrived! Yusuf shaved his hair. He looks kinda cool but it doesn't matter. =P
I called Yidali before we begin doing our project. Talked to Yidali for a while cos I told him Ann is at my place. He quickly told me to go do my work otherwise Ann will scold. See Ann, you've got a bad reputation already. =P We did Media Research till about 0500hrs the next day. Downloaded some hill songs and had fun trying to translate Meteor Garden for Yusuf. Ann, Beizhen and Yusuf also tried out VOS. The way they played it. It was just hilarious.
TODAY - Friday
Nearly forgot to type out the Contact report for yesterday's advertising meeting. Rushed it out before I rush cab to school. Ms. Chan actually scolded us for doing a questionaire out for her. I can't believe it! I mean, I thought most teachers will feel happy cos we bothered to do some thing. Well, never mind. Kinda lucky that we did, at least we know where we are and how to make it better. Didn't get to sleep much at all.
After school ended, Ann, Beizhen, Lidong and I went down to Far East Plaza to have lunch. We ordered Sambal Sotong, Sweet & sour chicken and hot plate tofu. Yusuf joined us shortly after that. Peifang messaged me to ask me what time I'll be at Parkway so I just said I'll be there soon. Told them that I had to leave so all of us paid and left together. Lidong and Yusuf went off on their own. Beizhen and I walked towards Lucky Plaza bus stop. Ann went off to work. I was nearly in tears already. All these places hold too much memories for me.
I took Bus 16 and cried as the bus travelled down to Plaza Singapura, circled around City Hall and Bugis area. These were the places Mervin and I frequent. The tears just kept rolling down. I wanted so much to just call him and tell him that I'm crying but I know he'll not be happy. Before I reached Parkway, I stopped myself from crying and forced a smile onto my face before I met up with Peifang and Karen. I don't want them to know that I'm still crying. They have worried for me way too much too.
Karen and Peifang bought for me a Pooh pillow for my birthday. So sweet of them. =) Thanks gals. I really have no idea what else to say. I met the guy from PQS at Parkway. It's as if every other day I'm meeting him. Talk about coincidental. LOL. On my way home from Parkway, I wanted to cry cos I was reminded of what Mervin and I did at Parkway. The whole scene just played back in my mind. It was too much for me to take.
The moment I reach my estate, tears were rolling down my cheeks again. I just cried and cried as I tried to grasp tight to reality that I've lost him. I remembered how he walked me home; how he and I went to minimart; how he sat beneath my block and I trying to persuade him to go to my house and shit; how we sat on the top floor of the carpark - talking about our problems. Every single details just played back in my mind. It was too hard for me to ignore, too hard for me to not cry.
I reach home and I called him. Not long after the conversation started, he wanted to rush off. I asked him whether we can meet on Saturday. He said no, without any consideration. I asked him is he busy or he doesn't want to meet me. I couldn't hear his reply. Then he mentioned that he can't talk anymore. Then I ask him - are you busy or do you not want to talk to me. And he said he doesn't want to talk to me. I was very hurt. I was struggling to keep my tears at bay. I asked him why he changed his phone and I couldn't catch his reply. He then said he had a second line and hung up on me.
I cried. I just kept crying. It's like as if the tap came loose again. How long more can I take this? I'm not sure. I came back to my laptop and saw his message to me saying that he changed his handphone to make me forget about him. I told him to stop it. I told him to stop doing all these things. I just kept crying as I typed. I told him I can't forget him and he just said he has already forgotten me. Then he came out with a riddle and wanted me to guess the song. If I could, he will do whatever I want. If I can't, I'm to stop bothering him.
I was in a frenzy. I opened IEs after IEs trying to find the title of the song. I didn't wanna lose him. No.. not like that but he didn't give me a chance. He told me this song doesn't exist. He started to say things to me like why can't I learn how to stop crying and why am I doing this to myself. I answered but he said I was contradicting. I just kept crying and trying my darnest to let him know how I'm feeling. He says he trying hard to be a bastard so that I will stay far far away from him but how far can I stay away when my heart still yearns for him? Thus, he says I don't love myself.
If I don't love myself, I won't be here today.. won't be alive.. won't be talking to anyone.. won't be anything. I'll just be this soul-less person wandering around, lost, sunk in depression, killing myself in every possible way, isolate myself but I didn't. Cos I'm trying my best to be normal when I'm not. Trying my best to be happy when I'm not. You do not know how much paint is used on my face each day to have that smile. You do not know the lengths I go to, to convince people that I'll be fine. You do not know.
After a while, he didn't wish to speak to me.. and I just started to list down all the memories that I hold dear to. Like how he called me on 1st Sept 2001 to ask me to be his girl. Like how he panicked when I refused to answer his calls and how upset he was. Like how he skipped his lesson on a Thursday just to spend our first Valentine's Day together. I list down alot of these memories and as I list, I just kept crying like how I am now as I type.
He then comment that all I'm choosing to remember are the happy times. I do not just remember happy moments. I remember those moments when I get so insecure that I'm practically shivering everynight, wondering when he'll leave. I remember those moments how after each arguments we had, I'll just cry and seek for forgiveness, be it my fault or not. I remember lotsa things. I remember how we got through obstacles after obstacles. You do not know how dear I hold these memories to. You don't.
As I carried on listing, he just said stop saying, I'm going out. I begged him.. Please. He asked Please what. And added that he's going out now can? I said to him 'give us another chance can?' He simply replied 'ok bye' after that. I don't know does it mean that this relationship is given the chance to regain its former colors or what. I'm just so confused.
Yet I'll keep praying that he'll give us another chance. Give this relationship another chance. And I'll be praying...