walking contradiction

25 years old.
a girl of irony.
studying in university of new south wales - ba/llb.
living and let live.
truly blessed by His and his love.

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time constrained


another dimension



partners in crime
benje. carol. crystal. daniel ho. davina. doreen. evelyn. ingrid. iniQx. jac. jess. julian. karen. kimberly. leon. li en. mabel. melissa. nick. shirley. stefan. xiaowei. yee huat. yusuf. zhong ying.


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christian forum. keeptouch forum. heartlight. save our tree e-magazine. yesterday .sg. good morning yesterday. riverlife. 陳志明.
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. feelings and thoughts .

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Friday, October 31, 2003

D'ya know that those words I said to you, that I say was said by my mum was actually said by me? You always thought I don't understand how you feel but the truth is, I do. I understand why but why am I fighting so hard for a chance for this relationship? You won't know why cos you never tried to understand me like how I try to understand you.

You ask me to thank my mum, saying that she's probably the only person who understands you in the world. I didn't know how to tell you that you're welcome. That I'm really the one who said those words but I'm sure you won't believe cos of the things I've been doing.

You must be thinking how can I say those words when I'm fighting so hard for this relationship... But have you ever tried to understand why I'm fighting so hard for this relationship? Maybe you did. Maybe you never did. I don't blame you. I never asked for your understanding. I won't start now.

I made a promise to heaven that I'll do all that I can, try my very best and betray my own emotions if it's the only way I can bring you happiness. I made a promise to heaven tonight... that my heart will be faithful.. forevermore.

hearts 04:21:00
0 spoken words


Losing myself to a box,
I stared and tears formed.
That scene, those characters
So familiar but so far away.

We used to talk for hours,
Recounting how the days went.
You never grumbled then,
You were always there for me.

My tears were dropping,
When I saw the teasing.
How they kissed goodnight
Reminded me of how we were.

What happen, my love, how?
Why did things sour from sweet?
My heart aches as I think
Think of the past; grasping future.

hearts 01:06:00
0 spoken words

Thursday, October 30, 2003

I typed to him this long message in IRC the moment I was awake. I was crying when I typed them out. Why? Cos I no longer understand myself anymore. Why am I still loving a man who no longer loves me? Why am I still able to forgive him for all the words he had said, for all the things he had done... Why? I don't know the answer. God knows. I'm sure He'll tell me the reason someday. I'm sure of that...

iF u eVeR haD uR hEaRt bRoKeN oR huRT...
aNd u foRgavE taT pErsoN...
anD sTill aBle 2 LovE tHeM like bEfoRE...
tHaT's tRuE LoVe!!!



Taken from si|viA in Keeptouch Forum

hearts 17:29:00
0 spoken words


Words to him... -

maybe it's my fault that u've changed so much in attitude towards me. really wanted to just cry and make myself hate u. then i realise i'm no longer able to do so. i can cry but i can no longer hate u.. cos somehow something inside me just forgives u.. and loves u more. i know u'll probably get some form of adverse effects to what i just said. but i have to say it. this morning's conversation with u.. was i the contradicting partner? maybe. cos i know i wanted something else but have to settle for 2nd best. did it help that u said those words? no. but it's ok. i understand. u probably just don't want me to carry on in this misery but the thing is.. it's no longer what any of u can do. it's what i want to do with it. u can treat me meanly. say unkind words. try and piss me off. but the fact is i will just cry and forgive u for whatever hurt u're raining on me.. the love won't be gone. some people say i'm stupid. waiting for almost 12hrs for a reply from someone who don't seem to care. some people say i'm givin in too much and u'll take me for granted. maybe that's the case but i can't tell. some ask me why.. i just told them simply. doesn't mean he treats me meanly. i've to be mean back to him. then nothing between us will ever resolve. i've already lost u as a lover that i wished so much to settle in life with. i can't afford to lose u as a friend as well. but u don't see it in the same light. u see it as me trying to do things with an ulterior motive. nvm. i was hurt by your implications but it's ok. i can understand why. i only have myself to blame. good luck for your exams. good luck for your traffic police test. i still rem how i said i wanted to be drove around by u.. and u replied back must drive u around meh. nvm. like u said, it's all in the past.. maybe i'm just plain stupid. thinking that u're still like before. that u're just hiding to prevent more hurt. maybe that's what i am. stupid. foolish. a girl with no self-worth. forgive me.

hearts 17:25:00
0 spoken words

Wednesday, October 29, 2003

I stood.
The wind howled.
I shivered in coldness.
Your warmness has departed me
Now standing, I am alone shivering
So give me back warmth
Let me not shiver
Hug me close
Your arms.

hearts 21:22:00
0 spoken words

Tuesday, October 28, 2003

Don't ask me why
I'm doing all these,
Knowing that misery
Will fill me deep within.

Don't ask me why
I'm still loving you,
There's no answer
But that Love stays.

Don't ask me how
I take all these pain,
I don't know what
Is giving me the strength.

Don't ask me to
Let go cos I can't,
When I tried and failed
Hangin' on is what's left.

hearts 18:12:00
0 spoken words


Pain.
Hurt.
Emotions.
Deep.
Within.
Me.

You.
Heard?
Seen?
Care?
Questions.

hearts 18:04:00
0 spoken words


Invisible
- Clay Aiken

What are you doing tonight
I wish I could be a fly on your wall
Are you really alone
Still in your dreams
Why can't I bring you into my life
What would it take to make you see that I'm alive

[Chorus]

If I was invisible
Then I could just watch you in your room
If I was invisible
I'd make you mine tonight
If hearts were unbreakable
Then I can just tell you where I stand
I would be the smartest man
If I was invisible
(Wait..I already am)

I saw your face in the crowd
I called out your name
You don't hear a sound
I keep tracing your steps
Each move that you make
Wish I could be what goes through your mind
Wish you could touch me with the colors of your life

[Chorus]

If I was invisible
Then I could just watch you in your room
If I was invisible
I'd make you mine tonight
If hearts were unbreakable
Then I can just tell you where I stand
I would be the smartest man
If I was invisible
(Wait..I already am)

I reach out
But you don't even see me
Even when I'm screaming
Baby, you don't hear me
I am nothing without you
Just a shadow passing through...

[Repeat Chorus]

------------------------------

Taken from AZLyrics - Clay Aiken - Invisible

hearts 15:56:00
0 spoken words

Monday, October 27, 2003

Staring into space as usual
Yet an unusual thought arose.
Has he been reading me?
Has he been reading my thoughts?

I sat and I stared and I pondered
Will you come in and see how I am?
Will you drop by and read my words
And understand what I'm going through?

Tell me, baby, just tell me the truth.
Are you reading me like before?
Are you loving me or another girl
Don't hide it from me please.

I don't wish to run anymore
Just throw me all the shit in the world.
Tell me if there's another girl
And rain on me all the hurt and pain.

If you've been reading me lately, don't hide away. Don't shun. Tell me the truth. I wish to know. Wish to be hit. Wish to listen. to the Truth.

hearts 16:53:00
0 spoken words


A puppy came one day
To this lovely doorstep.
It stood and wag its tail
Waiting patiently for its bone.

Time slipped past it,
The puppy hung on.
Never did it whimper,
Never did it gave up.

Then came this man,
Filled with fear and guilt.
Chased the puppy away
With kicks and stones.

Battered the puppy is,
Whimper it did not.
Still it stood at the crossroads,
Waiting till the man's heart change.

hearts 01:25:00
0 spoken words

Friday, October 24, 2003

Kurien, my friend.
Am I a book,
Open or close,
That you grasp well.

You read my emotions,
Understands my thoughts.
Time seems no excuse
During this course of thoughts.

Barely friends for long,
A lifetime seems like it.
I fail to understand it -
The connection that's placed.

I thank you for all
Your kind thoughts.
Sleep has long deluded me,
But rest I will - my only solace.


Thanks Kurien for that lovely post. I'm at a loss for words when I read your entry. Those words. Those thoughts. How you manage to understand me in such a short period of time, I've no idea. Yet, I thank you. For listening. For reading. In silence. For in silence, you were there. You read and you understood. You listened and you spoke in kind words. I thank you for doing all of that for this li'l girl whom you met along the way. I thank you. For "thanks" seems to be the only appropriate word of now.

hearts 04:06:00
0 spoken words


Your soul is bound to the White Rose: The
Pure.

"I've been waiting in the dark for a long
time, shining my beacon of hope through the
shadow. If you see me, don't you hide your
eyes from me."


The White Rose is associated with purity, honor,
and chastity. It is governed by the goddess
Artemis and its sign is The Cross, or Agape.

As a White Rose, you are a person of your word.
You may have a strong moral code, but
regardless of your virtue, you always stay true
to yourself. To you, love is the most pure of
emotional forms and it's just a matter of
waiting for it to bless you. Some people may
say you are too idealistic, but it's only
because you don't want to mess things up.


What Rose Is Your Soul Bound To?
brought to you by Quizilla



pho
You are Form 0, Phoenix: The Eternal.

"And The Phoenix's cycle had reached
zenith, so he consumed himself in fire. He
emerged from his own ashes, to be forever
immortal."


Some examples of the Phoenix Form are Quetzalcoatl
(Aztec), Shiva (Indian), and Ra-Atum
(Egyptian).
The Phoenix is associated with the concept of life,
the number 0, and the element of fire.
His sign is the eclipsed sun.

As a member of Form 0, you are a determined
individual. You tend to keep your sense of
optomism, even through tough times and have a
positive outlook on most situations. You have
a way of looking at going through life as a
journey that you can constantly learn from.
Phoenixes are the best friends to have because
they cheer people up easily.


Which Mythological Form Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla

hearts 02:59:00
0 spoken words

Thursday, October 23, 2003

I've been trying and trying
To give you whatever you want,
To give you the happiness
But a failure I am, I can't.

I tried to treat you as a friend,
Thinking that as the day goes by
My love for you will dwindle
But it grew day by day instead.

I tried to pick myself out of this pit
And get myself to be happy again,
Then I realise, for so long,
Happiness was with you.

Don't say anymore things
For I no longer wish to listen.
Leave me alone to my tears
And I can only say I'm sorry I failed.

hearts 15:51:00
0 spoken words

Monday, October 20, 2003

Harsh words appeared on screen,
Designed to make me hate you.
Yet the love is too strong for it
And my love kept on going.

I'm not hanging on to the past
But to the future that was to be.
I'm not crying like you believe
But staring expressionless at it.

Maybe I'm just a fool in love,
Who was painted blind by Cupid.
Maybe I'm just wallowing in tears
And hating myself for doing these.

It has never been my wish
To make you feel guilty or bad.
My wish has always only been this
And that's for you to be happy always.

hearts 18:23:00
0 spoken words

Sunday, October 19, 2003

Heart is broken,
Mind is shattered.
Soul is dispersed.
Life is barren.

Love is deserted,
Hatred is stirring.
Laughter is absent.
Tears are abundant.

Hope is dwindling.
Faith is aglow.
Joy is lurking.
Depression escalates.


Despite all that, I'll still be loving you. Despite all that you've said, I'll still be waiting for you.

hearts 20:57:00
0 spoken words


Baby, wouldn't you come back to me please? Have you seen the state I'm in? Zombie by day; Tears by night. I can't seem to do anything right without you. Please -
Don't use those hurting words on me.
Don't tell me that your perspective changed.
Don't push me away from you
Don't... Don't torment me please.

I need you in my life. For so long, I've loved you. Till the end, I will continue. Baby, love me again please? For all I can think of, dream of is you. For all I ever wanted is in you. Baby, I need you in my life. Come back to me... Will you come back to me?


Something seems to be wrong with me. I've been messaging him till no end asking him to come back to me. I thought I said I'll be fine on my own initially. I thought I said I'm tired of all the tears. So why am I crying again and again for this man? Why am I tormenting myself to no end?

The shock set in 2 days after you blew the bomb on me. The pain creeped in the minute I was lost. The hurt was grave. I couldn't think. No, I couldn't. Every single thought of mine surrounds you. Baby, can't you see by now how hard I've been trying, trying to give you whatever you want. But baby, you never tried to understand, have you? That we can never let things go cos of the Love we shared. Baby, hang on for our love's sake please... Hang on.. Don't let go.. For the world seems to be closing in when you do. When all my purpose on Earth seems to be to love you till time's end.

hearts 16:08:00
0 spoken words


Standing at the crossroad,
Tears were flowing uncontrollably.
Two different paths to choose
But is the end two differentiated ones.

I stood and I looked
To the left then to the right.
I looked and I looked,
Where do I head on from now?

I wish so much to hang on
Because I believe in us.
I wish so much to move on
Because the pain was too much.

Yet, I stood at the crossroad
Not knowing where to head.
I closed my eyes and walked
To the left where belief is all I have.

hearts 16:04:00
0 spoken words

Saturday, October 18, 2003

Who is it that now posess my baby's body?
Is it the demon or has his soul change?
I can't seem to tell who he is anymore
From his exterior to within - changed.

My baby won't hurt me in this manner,
No, he'll never. He only loves and cares,
He'll never hurt me and have the heart
To see me cry the many tears I had.

So whoever that is posessing my baby,
Leave him please, leave my baby alone.
Give him back to me, give my baby back
To love and hold me... Like before.

hearts 17:51:00
0 spoken words


My heart aches
As I think
Think of the things,
Things that you've said.

Is fault's mine
Or you lied
About all that happened,
To ease the load of yourself?

So tell me
Why did you,
Why did you even bother
To be friends after these?

Why should it
Ever happen now,
When all I feel now
Is nothing but hurt and pain.

Like a fool,
Forgive I will.
I can't believe myself
That I'm still loving you till the end.

hearts 03:39:00
0 spoken words

Friday, October 17, 2003

D'ya know tears were falling
When you said those words.
D'ya know my heart was aching
When you refused to budge.
My heart has been yearning
For your presence to be near,
Yet you chose to move further
To a place I know is forbidden.

Stop placing the faults on me
When you know it's not mine.
Stop making it look good
When you know it ain't.
It's not fair to place faults on me,
To use words to victimise yourself
When you know all these is not real,
Stop it... Stop tormenting me..

hearts 03:53:00
0 spoken words

Thursday, October 16, 2003

Tears.
So quiet
Yet so soothing.
They listen
to my woes.
They never turned.
They are my
Tears.


Alone. That's what I feel. Are you my friend? Or are you just someone out there who thinks that you've cared? I've been crying, tiring myself out, making myself ill, pushing myself to the limit. Lord, if this is what pain is then set me free. Let me go into Your arms. Let me be with you. Take me away from this dark world. Take me away from all these pain.

Don't let me be his friend... for I don't want to lie. I can never be just a friend to him.
Don't let me harbor hopes... for I don't wish to be disappointed. He'll never return.
Don't let me love him... for I don't wish to feel the hurt. He'll never understand.
Don't let me live, my Lord... for my only wish now is to run. You are my only friend, always there and will always understand.

Do you know that I still love you, still miss you, still wanna hold you in my arms?
Do you know that my tears are waiting for you to wipe them off?
Do you know that my laughters awaits to be heard by you?
Do you know that my heart only wants to be comforted by you?
Do you know that we can never be just friends... cos of the Love we shared.

hearts 02:45:00
0 spoken words

Saturday, October 11, 2003

Can you talk to me?
Can you see me cry?
Can you hear my words
And not walk away in disgust.

Can you stand by me?
Can you give me hugs
And kisses like before?
Without saying goodbye.

Do you see the pain,
The hurt I'm bearing?
Do you hear my sobs
In the night when you sleep?

Do your hands yearn
To hold me once again?
Do your lips wish
To kiss away all my tears
For the last time.

hearts 03:15:00
0 spoken words


I woke up with the thought of skipping school. I didn't want to go school. I don't wanna face up to reality that I'm alone now. Forsaken. Deserted.

I dragged myself into the bathroom and the scenerio seems to replay. I was down once again. Sobbing and praying to my Lord at the same time. Trying to ask Him to forgive him for causing me all these pain. Trying to ask Him to bless him with happiness, even if it's at the expense of mine. Trying to ask Him to teach me how to forgive, forgive the man who betrayed my trust and forsaken my love.

I cried to my Lord in despair, in anguish alone. That's what I am now... alone. Friends that I hold dear, don't bother anymore. It's not their fault but mine cos I've never heeded any of their advice. They are all right... I brought it upon myself. I chose this route on my own and I shall pay the price.

On my way to school, I prayed to the Lord asking him for a sign about us. The night before Kurien had mentioned that he has strong feelings that we will get back together. I The cab driver then took a wrong turn but when pointed out, was quickly remedied. I asked God what does that mean? I closed my eyes and I saw him and I playing in this little room. Two pairs of hands came down to cradle us. We became infants and were taken apart. The next I saw was him grown up and me, by his side, grown and looking happier. Then slowly, I keep seeing things that had links to our happy memories. I ask God why. Why is everything happening yet Your direction points in the opposite? There was no reply except for a scene of an old couple walking past. Could it be that we're still too young to understand we need each other? Could it be God telling me that true love does exist?

Went to Selegie. As I walked past that escalator, the scene of him hugging me from behind played back. I could still hear him sing "Yue Liang Dai Biao Wo De Xin". I could still remember how I chided him saying what if there weren't any moon, does that mean your heart is not there. I walked further down and I saw The Coffee Connection. I saw the seat we sat. I drinking this raspberry drink that taste like medication to him, he sitting opposite me drinking mocha. It was this year's Valentine's Day. He had earlier promised me that he'll get me blue roses next year but there will never be a next time. There will never be any thing. I'm left alone in this world. The world that I still hang on so desperately.

Followed them to the pool place. As I see how golfy taught twoofs to play pool, I was reminded of the numerous occasions he tried to teach me pool. The way he taught me was exactly how golfy was teaching twoofs. I had enough. I walked out in tears. I wanted so much to message him on my way home. But I didn't. I didn't want to.

hearts 03:13:00
0 spoken words


Have You Ever?

[Chorus]
Have you ever loved somebody so much
It makes you cry
Have you ever needed something so bad
You can't sleep at night
Have you ever tried to find the words
But they don't come out right
Have you ever, have you ever

Have you ever been in love
Been in love so bad
You'd do anything to make them understand
Have you ever had someone steal your heart away
You'd give anything to make them feel the same
Have you ever searched for the words to get you in their heart
But you don't know what to say
And you don't know where to start
[Chorus]

Have you ever found the one
You've dreamed of all of your life
You'd do anything to look into their eyes
Have you finally found the one you've given your heart to
Only to find that one won't give their heart to you
Have you ever closed your eyes and
Dreamed that they were there
And all you can do is wait for the day when they will care
[Chorus]

What do I gotta do to get you in my arms baby
What do I gotta say to get to your heart
To make you understand how I need you next to me
Gotta get you in my world
'Cuz baby I can't sleep
[Chorus]

-Brandy

hearts 02:58:00
0 spoken words

Thursday, October 09, 2003

I sat in fear and anticipation,
Where was I heading...
I couldn't tell with my wet vision,
All I knew was the place held my fate.

I stood out in hope
That maybe he'll change.
Maybe he'll feel something,
Maybe he'll love me again.

I walked into his room in pain,
My heart was aching,
He was acting non-chalant.
All I could do was stand strong.

I entered the lift in tears,
I cried for our memories.
I cried for the joys and laughters.
Now I'm crying for myself.

hearts 22:25:00
0 spoken words


It's settled. I'm going to his place tomorrow with HJ. Cleaning out my things for the last time. Our final goodbye, our final farewell. Will my tears be strong enough to hold back or will they force their way out... I don't know.

hearts 01:46:00
0 spoken words

Wednesday, October 08, 2003

I woke up in a daze. It was raining. Everywhere seemed so gloomy, like a reflection of my heart. I felt lost. I wanted to cry but I held back. I head for the showers. I was trying to wash up all these thoughts, all these hurt, all these pain but I couldn't. The more I scrubbed, the more evident they became.

I broke down. I just collapsed on my bathroom floor... sobbing. I could take it no longer. My tears couldn't hold back anymore. All the laughter, all the smiles I've placed on my face... were they nothing more but an act? I cried. I cried for old time's sake. I cried for the memories he and I shared. I cried for the video we made during our 1st anniversary. I cried for the promise he made on Valentine's Day this year. I cried for everything that happen. Why? Nobody can tell me why. I'm just tired.

I made the biggest mistake in my life by messaging him. I messaged him,

how did we turn fr lovers to enemies? how did a blissful love turn into a torment? how did a dream turn into a nightmare? maybe it's all my fault for loving you. but all i can say is, i'm sorry.

He replied, "we can still be friends. if u choose to."

Tell me... How am I to be friends when I love you so deeply?
Tell me... How am I to be friends with a person who left me when I needed him most?
Tell me... Do you really understand what I'm going through?

I've been loving you since the moment I met you. But I kept it within my heart. You went out with Ting2 and I moved on to other guys. But deep inside, all I wanted was to know you. When I got to know you, I acted like I couldn't care less. But deep inside, I was caring for you for so long. When I became your girl, it was a dream come true. But you didn't know how long it took me to get to you... how much I've already endured to be with you...

Now, it's all gone. So don't talk to me about being friends. Cos you didn't know what I've been through and I don't blame you for it. I blame myself. I blame myself for being a fool. For loving you.

Maybe we can be friends... Maybe... after I leave for a faraway place called Los Angeles and never return to my home.

hearts 23:12:00
0 spoken words


I remember this little room
That was filled with sunshine and birds.
I remember where we stood,
Looking towards the future as we hugged.

I remember that storm visited often,
Overcasting all the joys.
I remember how you stood by that door
And tried to leave this room so many times.

The door eventually flung open
And you left along with the sunshine and birds.
I stood at the same spot that I recall,
Where we stood looking ahead.

Now I'm all alone in the darkness
Surrounded by cold black walls.
Echos of my sobbing are in constant replay
But you'll never hear them - you left.

hearts 22:58:00
0 spoken words

Saturday, October 04, 2003

Thanks alot pals. I'm sorry to have made you guys worry. I'm trying to pick myself up, trying to grow up, trying to learn that things have spun out of control. I've cried and remembered scenes of the past yet again. However, I'm tired. I'm tired of all the crying. I'm tired of trying. I'm tired of feeling empty inside. I'm sick and tired of all these nonsense.

Talked to my mum about quitting school to go LA as soon as possible. She will hear nothing of it so guys, I'm still stuck with you guys for another 1.5 years. Is that to be celebrated or jeered? =P

I'm trying to be very light-hearted about stuff but realise how deep I'm cut during the lonely nights. It has been so long. What happen? Why is this happening? How did it all happen? Where did it go wrong? Who caused it? When did it all break down? I've been asking myself all these questions but I realise that there's no answer. Maybe cause God wants to give me more challenges before I can finally meet the Right guy but for now, I'm sure.. He's the one I wanted to spend eternity with.

hearts 06:55:00
0 spoken words

Thursday, October 02, 2003

He just dropped the bomb on me. I'm shaken. Close to tears yet I find myself trying to pick things up and trying to be strong. I told him I don't wanna break but he won't hear of it. I guess he's still pissed with me. I'm gonna give him some space. Maybe then, when he's cooled, we'll be able to work things out - properly.

hearts 23:45:00
0 spoken words


I feel sick. Got this wanna puke feeling the whole day. I feel damn sick but I think and the more I think, does it really matter? Deadlines are still there to be met; everything will still go on perfectly fine.

It has been so long since I last met him. Hearing his voice seems like a bonus for me to comfort my yearning heart. Baby, I miss you alot. I hope you miss me too. I love you very much, maybe more than I can ever imagine. I'm really sorry if I've been irritating you but I just wanna tell you - I love you.

hearts 23:08:00
0 spoken words

Wednesday, October 01, 2003

Woke up with lotsa aches on my back. No idea what's up. Feeling kinda sick. Maybe that's what it is. I'm ill. Dammit. Again. What the hell's wrong with my body. Doesn't it know that the medical fees are darn expensive? Crap it.

Gotta go for dalet test soon. Argh. I hate on-air presentation. :(

hearts 12:42:00
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How long have I not seen him? I don't know? A week? I miss him so much. Just wanna hug and hold him and tell him that I love him so.

Money's in my account finally! Ain't broke anymore. =)

hearts 00:29:00
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