it's been quite a while, hasn't it? more than a year has passed since you left and i'm still struggling to reconcile the ashes that's all that remains of you physically, to the man i knew for so long. my birthday is coming up in just a week's time and i wonder if you'll be here with me as i bring in my 22nd year.
22. remember how when we were 18, we talked about certain things in our lives? do you remember the 6 years pact that we made? well, i still remember and it's only 2 years more to that date. even as i try to let go of the fact that you never had your 21st celebration and the many years to come, the thought still haunts me that i will be alone.
i thought i've finally let the matter rest till i find myself breaking down almost daily now since the image of that wooden box with you in it, was pushed to fiery pits. i still recall how all of us screamed for you to avoid the flames and how we all cried for the man we got to know, love and, hopefully, cherish. that image is stuck firmly in my head and no matter how i beg for it to leave, it won't.
where have you gone to? i haven't been feeling your presence of late. have you really gone away for good? please don't. please don't leave me behind, like how you did just 1 year ago. i'm still struggling. i'm still not well. my soul has been painted blue for many years and your departure has just made it a darker shade and a more permanent ink stain. please don't leave me, i beg you.
i'm still struggling to understand how you could have done what you did. i remember how you persuaded me, coaxed me, talked to me, comforted me as i fought with my own demons. i remember how you scolded me for my foolish suicidal thoughts that plagued me ever so often. i don't understand. i just don't. what is it in this world that made you wanna leave so bad? was our bond not sufficient to keep you hangin' around?
nelson asked me to marry him recently and though, we wanted it earlier, my mum didn't think it was wise. i wonder what your take on it would be. yet the thought of marriage without your presence cuts. you were my confidante, the one man i knew i could trust with my life. i know i still have many friends surrounding me with their support but it's just not the same. nelson must have gotten a scare the other night when i just suddenly blurted that you're still alive, that you're just hiding and how once everything is blown over, you'll be back in all our presence once again. he had to tell me that this can never happen but why, why can't it happen?
i miss you so much. my heart has closed up so much. i refuse to make new friends, i refuse to allow any vulnerabilities to seep through this invisible wall. your leaving caused me so much hurt and pain that i don't think i can ever allow anyone completely into my life again. how am i to trust another when the man i trusted most, left me behind cos of a moment of folly? i don't know how i can do it.
my birthday is coming up. you said that you would spent my 21st birthday with me but i ended in bittersweet tears as i was presented with the cake marked with your name by jess. now, a year has passed and still, i see no joy in it. i want time to stop. i want time to reverse. i want time to cease. if the lady in white that i've been seeing is my angel of death in disguise, tell me.
i hope Daddy is taking care of you well but please do come and visit me soon. i'm scared and alone in this world, learning to grow up on my own and being forced into realisation the fragility of life. now that death has stared me in the face with your passing, he is no longer a foe but a friend, a bridge that i know will bring me back to you.
i love you always.
in my heart, my soul and my memories always,