walking contradiction

25 years old.
a girl of irony.
studying in university of new south wales - ba/llb.
living and let live.
truly blessed by His and his love.

Created by Wedding Favors

time constrained

another dimension

partners in crime
benje. carol. crystal. daniel ho. davina. doreen. evelyn. ingrid. iniQx. jac. jess. julian. karen. kimberly. leon. li en. mabel. melissa. nick. shirley. stefan. xiaowei. yee huat. yusuf. zhong ying.

communication channels
christian forum. keeptouch forum. heartlight. save our tree e-magazine. yesterday .sg. good morning yesterday. riverlife. 陳志明.
Listed on BlogShares
. feelings and thoughts .

past inhabited
August 2003
September 2003
October 2003
November 2003
December 2003
January 2004
February 2004
March 2004
April 2004
May 2004
June 2004
July 2004
August 2004
September 2004
October 2004
November 2004
December 2004
January 2005
February 2005
March 2005
April 2005
May 2005
June 2005
July 2005
August 2005
September 2005
October 2005
November 2005
December 2005
January 2006
February 2006
March 2006
April 2006
May 2006
June 2006
July 2006
August 2006
September 2006
October 2006
November 2006
December 2006
January 2007
February 2007
March 2007
April 2007
May 2007
June 2007
July 2007
August 2007
September 2007
October 2007
November 2007
December 2007
January 2008
February 2008
March 2008
April 2008
May 2008
June 2008
July 2008
August 2008
September 2008
October 2008
November 2008
December 2008
January 2009
February 2009
March 2009
April 2009
May 2009
June 2009
July 2009
August 2009
September 2009
October 2009
November 2009
December 2009
January 2010
February 2010
March 2010
April 2010
May 2010
June 2010
July 2010
August 2010
September 2010
October 2010
March 2011
May 2011

many bows
pictures: one
brushes: one two
pattern: one
designer: sweet_surrender
others: blogger blogskins

Subscribe to
Posts [Atom]

Wednesday, June 30, 2004

Went out with Shiyan to get presents for his friends. He says I grumble alot today. :p Well, I'm sorry if I love to grumble. LOL. I love to make other people's days hell. I miss church. All of a sudden, I feel a deep desire to return back to church. What's wrong with me??

Tomorrow I'll be heading to Music Underground with lian. Wonder what's it like there but well, just wanna enjoy myself before everything else dies down. I've chosen to re-submit myself back to Him. It's a no bargain deal. It's a do or die.

And I wanna do it.

hearts 01:44:00
0 spoken words

Tuesday, June 29, 2004

I didn't go school today. Something's wrong with me. Mum is pissed with me, as usual and all I can do is keep quiet and let her say her piece. I'm really feeling very tired and very restless about things.

Maybe it's cos I haven't been to church for a while. Gee. Never knew the impact church has on me but well, I'll be back this weekend so ya, hopefully that will set me back on track.

I miss fellowship with my fellow Christian mates. I miss hearing the entire church congregation sing out in praises to Him. But please don't think I've turned stale in my worshipping Him. If in any case, it began to grow.

I find myself singing to him whilst I'm bathing, changing my clothes, putting on my accessories and whenever I felt like it. In the past, I never felt this joyfulness within my heart to keep singing praises to Him.

In the night, I find myself opening up more and more often to Him. Telling Him of my worries more often and praying so very often. I probably never included so much Godly references in my daily speech as well. I just can't help talking about Him nowadays. The break away from church has been good, in a way. It made me realised that I still love Him and that I still wanna serve Him very much.

The break away made me realise that I can't take Him for granted. It's time to do my part. First, I'll need to pick out all my lazy bones. Any help with that?

hearts 21:04:00
0 spoken words

To dream that you are wearing a bikini, suggests that you are feeling exposed. You may feel unprotected emotionally.?It may also signal a return to innocence or youth.? Alternatively, it indicates superficial desires.

To dream that you are in the bathroom, relates to your instinctual urges. You may be experiencing some burdens/feelings and need to "relieve yourself". Alternatively, it may symbolize purification and self-renewal. You need to cleanse yourself, both emotionally and psychologically.

To dream that you are in a public restroom with no stalls, signifies your frustrations about getting enough privacy. It may also indicate that you are having difficulties letting go of old emotions. If you reveal these feelings, you are afraid that others around you will judge and criticize you.

To dream that you are watching television, represents your brain, mind and its flowing thoughts. It shows how you are receiving, integrating, and expressing your ideas/thoughts. The programs you dream of watching is an objective view of the things that are in your mind.

hearts 13:21:00
0 spoken words

I feel so tired. -yawns- Have never felt this tired despite sleeping so much. This is really getting me down. My mum is screaming at me. My dad gave up on me. Seriously, I'm giving up on myself.

I thinks I've hypersomnia. First, it's insomnia. Now this. Argh.

What is Hypersomnia ?
Hypersomnia is characterized by recurrent episodes of excessive daytime sleepiness or prolonged nighttime sleep. Different from feeling tired due to lack of or interrupted sleep at night, persons with hypersomnia are compelled to nap repeatedly during the day, often at inappropriate times such as at work, during a meal, or in conversation. These daytime naps usually provide no relief from symptoms. Patients often have difficulty waking from a long sleep, and may feel disoriented. Other symptoms may include anxiety, increased irritation, decreased energy, restlessness, slow thinking, slow speech, loss of appetite, hallucinations, and memory difficulty. Some patients lose the ability to function in family, social, occupational, or other settings. Hypersomnia may be caused by another sleep disorder (such as narcolepsy or sleep apnea), dysfunction of the autonomic nervous system, or drug or alcohol abuse. In some cases it results from a physical problem, such as a tumor, head trauma, or injury to the central nervous system. Certain medications, or medicine withdrawal, may also cause hypersomnia. Medical conditions including multiple sclerosis, depression, encephalitis, epilepsy, or obesity may contribute to the disorder. Some people appear to have a genetic predisposition to hypersomnia; in others, there is no known cause. Hypersomnia typically affects adolescents and young adults.

hearts 13:16:00
0 spoken words

Anna and me at Odeon Bar. Our wedding picture. LOL. Posted by Hello

hearts 02:05:00
0 spoken words

Received this from Benje and I really love it. I've read it more than once before but I guess now, it impacts me more than ever.

Friends, I love you all and I thank you guys for all the beautiful times we've spent together. :)


A young man learns what's most important in life from the guy next door. It
had been some time since Jack had seen the old man. College, girls, career,
and life itself got in the way. In fact, Jack moved clear across the country
in pursuit of his dreams. There, in the rush of his busy life, Jack had
little time to think about the past and often no time to spend with his wife
and son. He was working on his future, and nothing could stop him. Over the
phone, his mother told him, "Mr. Belser died last night. The funeral is
Memories flashed through his mind like an old newsreel as he sat quietly
remembering his childhood days.
"Jack, did you hear me?"
"Oh, sorry, Mom. Yes, I heard you. It's been so long since I thought of him
I'm sorry, but I honestly thought he died years ago," Jack said. "Well, he
didn't forget you. Every time I saw him he'd ask how you were doing. He'd
reminisce about the many days you spent over 'his side of the fence' as he
put it," Mom told him.
"I loved that old house he lived in," Jack said.
"You know, Jack, after your father died, Mr. Belser stepped in to make sure
you had a man's influence in your life," she said. "He's the one who taught
me carpentry," he said. "I wouldn't be in this business if it weren't for
him. He spent a lot of time teaching me things he thought were
important...Mom, I'll be there for the funeral," Jack said. As busy as he
was, he kept his word. Jack caught the next flight to his hometown. Mr.
Belser's funeral was small and uneventful. He had no children of his own,
and most of his relatives had passed away. The night before he had to
return home, Jack and his Mom stopped by to see the old house next door one
more time. Standing in the doorway, Jack paused for a moment. It was like
crossing over into another dimension, a leap through space and time. The
house was exactly as he remembered. Every step held memories. Every
picture, every piece of furniture....Jack stopped suddenly.

"What's wrong, Jack?" his Mom asked.
"The box is gone," he said.
"What box? " Mom asked.
"There was a small gold box that he kept locked on top of his desk. I must
have asked him a thousand times what was inside. All he'd ever tell me was
'the thing I value most,'" Jack said.
It was gone. Everything about the house was exactly how Jack remembered it,
except for the box. He figured someone from the Belser family had taken it.
"Now I'll never know what was so valuable to him," Jack said. "I better get
some sleep. I have an early flight home, Mom." It had been about two weeks
since Mr. Belser died. Returning home from work one day Jack discovered a
note in his mailbox. "Signature required on a package. No one at home.
Please stop by the main post office within the next three days," the note
Early the next day Jack retrieved the package. The small box was old and
looked like it had been mailed a hundred years ago. The handwriting was
difficult to read, but the return address caught his attention. "Mr. Harold
Belser" it read.
Jack took the box out to his car and ripped open the package. There inside
was the gold box and an envelope. Jack's hands shook as he read the note inside.
"Upon my death, please forward this box and its contents to Jack Bennett.
It's the thing I valued most in my life." A small key was taped to the
letter His heart racing, as tears filling his eyes, Jack carefully unlocked
the box. There inside he found a beautiful gold pocket watch. Running his
fingers slowly over the finely etched casing, he unlatched the cover.
Inside he found these words engraved: "Jack, Thanks for your time! - Harold Belser."
"The thing he valued most...was...my time."
Jack held the watch for a few minutes, then called his office and cleared
his appointments for the next two days. "Why?" Janet, his assistant asked.
"I need some time to spend with my son," he said.
"Oh, by the way, Janet...thanks for your time!"

"Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take but by the moments that take our breath away." And now for the mushy stuff..... Think about this. You may not realize it, but it's 100% true.

1. At least 2 people in this world love you so much they would die for you.
2. At least 15 people in this world love you in some way.
3. A smile from you can bring happiness to anyone, even if they don't like you.
4. Ever y night, SOMEONE thinks about you before they go to sleep.
5. You mean the world to someone.
6. If not for you, someone may not be living.
7. You are special and unique.
8. When you think you have no chance of getting what you want, you probably won't get it, but if you trust God to do what's best, and wait on. His time, sooner or later, you will get it or something better.
9. When you make the biggest mistake ever, something good can still come from it.
10. When you think the world has turned its back on you, take a look: you most likely turned your back on the world.
11. Someone that you don't even know exists, loves you.
12. Always remember the compliments you received. Forget about the rude remarks.
13. Always tell someone how you feel about them; you will feel much better when they know and you'll both be happy.
14. If you have a great friend, take the time to let them know that they are great.

hearts 01:30:00
0 spoken words

Sharon, Christine, Anna and me! Love them all! Posted by Hello

hearts 00:14:00
0 spoken words

Sharon and me at Odeon Bar. Posted by Hello

hearts 00:14:00
0 spoken words

Ejay and me at Odeon Bar. ^_^ Posted by Hello

hearts 00:13:00
0 spoken words

Christine and me at Odeon Bar. Posted by Hello

hearts 00:12:00
0 spoken words

Monday, June 28, 2004

You closed the doors.
You walked away and
Left me alone here.
My tears were flowing.

I opened the doors.
Another walked in,
Left and closed it.
My heart were closing.

Standing by windows,
Your eyes peered in.
Presence lingering on
And peace of mind left.

I laid on the bed.
Curled as a foetus,
My back faced you.
You left but I stayed.

hearts 01:30:00
0 spoken words

Painted my fingernails orange and my toenails red. It's so nice to see a split and difference in something that belongs to just one.

I spoke to him today. It's everybody's guess who's this HIM I'm referring to but I believe those who really know me well, will know who this HIM I'm referring to is.

We were talking casually about things. As usual, the familiarity was still lingering there. We spoke about the past. We spoke about the future. I kept pushing him to get a girlfriend and he kept saying he won't be getting one anytime soon.

He doesn't see that the only way for me to have an excuse not to speak to him, is for him to get a girl. My heart aches whenever I have to put up that front in speaking to him. But he doesn't know it. Nah, he never will and I guess it's better to keep things this simple.

He said maybe he'll see me this coming weekend when he books out.

your presence still lingers..

hearts 00:25:00
0 spoken words

Sunday, June 27, 2004

I'm pissed.

Sweden lost 4-5 penalty to Holland. Migosh!!! What a waste!!! ARGH.

Anyway, heard the song that signified the breakup of him and me and just got reminded of lotsa things. Thank God there was the match to distract me and dav messaging me to keep me sane from those drinks. Thanks dearie.

Guys, I'm safe. :)

hearts 08:04:00
0 spoken words

Saturday, June 26, 2004

Falling into this dark pit,
Devils with fork tails smiles
As I take a stand by their side
And all you did was stare away.

Crying for your attention,
The fallen angel stood steadfast
Seperating your heart from mine
And all you did was turn away.

Burying myself in this sorrow,
I heard Him speak loudly to me
Of how you were just a tool for Him
To teach me and mould me to be strong.

Lifting my head up high in hell,
My body aches for the missed comfort
And the much desired peaceful slumber.
I heard Him call yet I saw your face.

hearts 03:05:00
0 spoken words

my copy of our photo session. LOL. Posted by Hello

hearts 01:05:00
0 spoken words

me & my sister. this is her copy! Posted by Hello

hearts 01:04:00
0 spoken words

Lotsa thoughts were cruising through my mind. Too much of it, I guess cos I just couldn't bear staying at home any longer. Got my sister to go out with me to Tampines Mall and we walked around looking for her three-quarts. Seriously, I think three-quarts are meant for aunties. I mean, they don't even look good. :p

Ok. So I'm bias. Anyway, after our little bonding session, I went for tuition. Along the way, I just kept thinking...

Should I go back to church tomorrow? Something in me longs to go back.

Should I answer that desire?

Or will I resist it...

hearts 00:51:00
0 spoken words

Your True Nature by llScorpiusll
The quality that most appeals to you:Intelligence
In a survival situation, you:Do what is necessary
Your hidden talent is:Spiritual wisdom
Your gift is:Genius
In groups, you:Blend in
Your best quality is:Your kindness
Your weakness is:Your lack of sensitivity
Created with the ORIGINAL MemeGen!

Your True Nature by llScorpiusll
The quality that most appeals to you:Loyalty
In a survival situation, you:Freak out
Your hidden talent is:Discrimination
Your gift is:Irresistible attractiveness
In groups, you:Act as host/ess
Your best quality is:Your empathic nature
Your weakness is:Your coldness
Created with the ORIGINAL MemeGen!

Your True Nature by llScorpiusll
The quality that most appeals to you:Empathy
In a survival situation, you:Freak out
Your hidden talent is:Adaptability
Your gift is:Genius
In groups, you:Are the entertainment
Your best quality is:Your creativity
Your weakness is:Your coldness
Created with the ORIGINAL MemeGen!

hearts 00:50:00
0 spoken words

Friday, June 25, 2004

A simple wish.

So simple yet so difficult to attain.

...blissful union...

hearts 01:19:00
0 spoken words

Thursday, June 24, 2004

To see food in your dream, represents physical and emotional nourishment and energies. The different types of food can symbolize a wide range of things. Generally, fruit is symbolic of sensuality. Frozen foods may imply your cold emotions and frigid ways.

To see chickens in your dream, symbolizes cowardliness and a lack of willpower. Chickens also represents excessive chatter and gossip. Listen closely to what people may be saying about you or what you are saying about others.

To see someone else crying in your dream, may be a projection of your own feelings onto someone else. If you do not cry in your waking life, then seeing someone else cry may be a little easier to deal with then seeing yourself cry.

To dream that others are in tears, signifies that your sorrow will concern your friends.

To dream that you are alone, indicates feelings of rejection. You may be feeling that no one understand you

To see your friends in your dream, signifies aspects of your personality that you have rejected, but are ready to integrate these rejected part of yourself. The relationships you have with those around you are important in learning about yourself. Additionally, this symbol foretells of happy tidings from them and the arrival of good news.

To dream that you are in a restaurant, suggests that you are feeling overwhelmed by decisions/choices that you need to make in your life. Alternatively, it indicates that you are seeking for emotional nourishment outside of your social support system.

To see the outside of the church in your dream, signifies sacredness and spiritual nourishment. It is representative of your value system and the things you hold sacred.

To dream that you are in a church, suggests that you are seeking for some spiritual enlightenment and guidance. You are looking to be uplifted in some way. Perhaps you have made some mistakes in the past which have set you back on your path toward your goals. With proper support, you will get on the right track again. Alternatively, it may also mean that you are questioning and debating your life path and where it is leading. You are reevaluating what you want to do.

hearts 22:26:00
0 spoken words

It's late.
I'm worried.

But I know You won't let things that I can't handle to happen upon me.

Whatever happens, I know it's for Your greater plans.

hearts 02:36:00
0 spoken words

Wednesday, June 23, 2004

Now I lay me down to sleep,
I pray Thee, Lord, my soul to keep.
And if I dream the day before,
I dream a prayer a teacher saw.
In eyes gone sad, a child again.
Like teachers who no longer feigh
the joy, the thanks, the angst, the sham.
The lies, the truth, the words, the shame.
A prayer whose name meant hurt and pain.
A simple prayer it took the same.

The hurt and pain, [the hurt and pain]
the hurt and pain [the hurt and pain]
I walked in pain, in the evening rain,
so light, so soft [so light, so soft]
of feathers brushed. [of feathers brushed]
I walked on water, I walked to rush.
I walked on water, I walked to rush.

I walked to rush to watch a play.
Three girls and what they had to say.
And how and why when fingers don't
write words of wisom, no they won't.
A dancer danced they loved, they say;
like a bird in pain to prey
around the children, around the words,
around the drums, and around the birds.
I heard their song, so pure, so clean.
A simple prayer it was to be.

The hurt and pain, [the hurt and pain]
the hurt and pain [the hurt and pain]
I walked in pain, in the evening rain,
so light, so soft [so light, so soft]
of feathers brushed. [of feathers brushed]
I walked on water, I walked to rush.
I walked on water, I walked to rush.

But the rain had stopped. And also the pain.
I live in open fields again.
Dreaming now, the prayer,
to remember,
to remember...

The hurt and pain, [the hurt and pain]
the hurt and pain [the hurt and pain]
I walked in pain, in the evening rain,
so light, so soft [so light, so soft]
of feathers brushed. [of feathers brushed]
I walked on water, I walked to rush.
I walked on water, I walked to rush.

-- Vanessa Fernandez's A Prayer, A Dream

hearts 17:43:00
0 spoken words

I learnt about something today.

Learnt that I've been too blinded by my own depression that I failed to see past your superficial.

Learnt that I've been blinded by all the various voices to see who you really are.

Yes. Maybe all these are still excuses so that I can still hold you in that high regard.

But, finally, I see the side of you that I was so familiar with in the first place.

hearts 01:20:00
0 spoken words

Tuesday, June 22, 2004

To see a vacuum in your dream, suggests feelings of emptiness. You may be experiencing a void in your life. Alternatively, you may need to clean up your act and your attitude.

To dream that you are vacuuming, signifies a loss of control

To see a shadowy figure in your dream, represents aspects of this figure which you have not acknowledged or incorporated into your own personality. Alternatively, it symbolizes the young, the helpless or the under-developed.

To see or put on deodorant in your dream, represents your inner strength and your ability to rid yourself of harmful and destructive behaviors.

To dream that you are crushing something, denotes that you are under tremendous stress over a decision that you need to make.

To dream that darkness comes upon you, signifies failure in work you may attempt. Darkness is synonymous with the ignorance, unconscious, evil, death, and fear of the unknown. You will overcome your failure if the sun breaks through the darkness.

To dream that you cannot find someone in the darkness, signifies that you need to keep your temper in check. You have the tendency to let your emotions get out of control and lose your temper.

To dream that you are lost in the darkness, denotes feelings of desperation, depression, or insecurity.

To dream that you are groping around in the darkness, symbolizes that you have insufficient information to make a clear decision. Do your research and do not rush into making choices.

To dream that you are in the bathroom, relates to your instinctual urges. You may be experiencing some burdens/feelings and need to "relieve yourself". Alternatively, it may symbolize purification and self-renewal. You need to cleanse yourself, both emotionally and psychologically.

To dream that you are in a room, represents a particular aspect of yourself or a particular relationship. Dreams about various rooms often relate to hidden areas of the conscious mind and different aspects of your personality.

To see a dark, eerie or confining room, denotes that that you feel trapped or repressed in a situation.

To dream that you participate in a fight, indicates inner turmoil. Some aspect of yourself is in conflict with another aspect of yourself. Perhaps an unresolved or unacknowledged part is fighting for its right to be heard.? It may also parallel a fight or struggle that you are going through in your waking life.

To dream that you are fighting to the death, indicates that you are unwilling to acknowledge a waking conflict or your own inner turmoil.? You are unwilling and refusing to change your old attitudes and habits.

hearts 22:18:00
0 spoken words

Sometimes We Have to Eat Our Words
by Alan Smith


Sometimes we have to eat our words!
A store manager overheard a clerk saying to a customer, "No, ma'am, we haven't had any for some weeks now, and it doesn't look as if we'll be getting any soon."

Alarmed by what was being said, the manager rushed over to the customer who was walking out the door and said, "That isn't true, ma'am. Of course, we'll have some soon. In fact, we placed an order for it a couple of weeks ago."

Then the manager drew the clerk aside and growled, "Never, never, never, never say we don't have something. If we don't have it, say we ordered it and it's on its way. Now, what was it she wanted?"

The clerk smiled and said, "Rain."

There is only one God and I am not Him!
We must come to the realization that there are some things that we cannot provide. There is only one God and I am not Him! When all is said and done in the book of Job, that's the message with which we are left. After Job spent most of the book begging to know why God had allowed all sorts of horrible things to happen to him, God answered Job. However, he never directly answered Job's questions. He merely reminded him of which one of them was God:

"Have you ever ordered the morning to begin, or shown the dawn where its place was? ... Can you bring out the stars on time? ... Can you shout an order to the clouds and cover yourself with a flood of water? Can you send lightning bolts on their way? ... Job, are you the one who gives the horse its strength or puts a flowing mane on its neck?" (Job 38:12,32,34-35; 39:19 NIV)
The answers to God's questions are too obvious. Like Job, I can't do any of those things. I sometimes make the mistake of thinking, "If I were God, I would do things differently." ReadingJob 38 and 39 serves to remind me that I don't even come close to having the qualifications for the job.

So, like Job, I will humble myself in the presence of the Almighty and bow down before Him, trusting Him even in the midst of those things I don't always fully understand.

-- Taken from Heartlight

hearts 14:11:00
0 spoken words

You should be dating a Leo.
23 July - 22 August
This mate is honest and loyal, with a sunny
disposition. Though this lion has the tendency
to be arrogant, sulky or smug, he/she is
unrestrained in bed.

What Zodiac Sign Are You Attracted To?
brought to you by Quizilla

between you and your partner in your
relationship. You are very difficult to get.
You have big requirements and this one you love
must try hard to get you. But after she/he melt
your heart she/he will be the most happy person
in the world. You need someone who shoes you
that you are special and it makes you feel
good to see that you are loved. She/He shall
know that you could easily get another
girl/boyfriend but you wont as long as you
love him. when she/he hurts you you will hurt
him too, but in general you dont get hurt. If
your partner cheated you ,you would react cold
and immediately (try to) forget him
PLEASE VOTE, I want to know what you think about my
quiz, I worked hard on it.You can always
message me or tell me how I can improve that
quiz. Ill sure write back.

~THE big LOVE TEST!! What do you need? With PICS! For girls and boys!~
brought to you by Quizilla

hearts 13:07:00
0 spoken words

I'm supposed to email Dickson about some stuff but I'm still holding back. Don't ask me why. Sometimes, I really wish I could do something about this escaping technique I've been employing against all the issues that I'm facing. I know it won't help cos the further I run, the faster it'll catch up with me.

I've taken my first step by deciding that I wanna get right with Him. I've taken my second step by blocking his contact. And from now, please do not pressurise me to conform to the Christian crowd. I wanna do it... one step at a time.

Right now, I feel like a newborn infant, taking her first steps in life. Each step taken has the potential to stumble and fall. But like the infant, I wish I'll just cry my eyes out and pluck up my courage to continue on this learning journey. I feel as if I'm learning how to smile again. Like how innocently an infant smiles.

Yes, there's a positive feel to it yet there's this barrier of fear that I'm still not able to conquer. The unfamiliarity of grounds that are laid before me. The losing of this character that I've build as a wall against my vulnerabilities. The loss of my addictions. I'm afraid of losing... losing all these beautiful devices that I've so painstakingly carved out to protect my very heart. Afraid of losing myself.

hearts 03:22:00
0 spoken words

Monday, June 21, 2004

To dream that you are applying make-up, signifies that you are trying to cover up or conceal a hidden aspect of yourself.? Alternatively, it may signify that you are putting on your best face forward. You are trying to enhance your self-image and increase your sense of self-confidence.

To dream that you are wearing too much make-up, indicates that you are putting more emphasis on beauty and outside appearances rather than what is inside.

hearts 20:41:00
0 spoken words

I disappeared for God knows how long and yes, I feel slightly more rejuvenated than ever. Away from all the problems. Away from all the issues that I've been trying to deal with but to little success.

It was a good getaway except that I started missing Christy again. LOL. That idiot. I swear I have a love-hate relationship with him. Well, I know I've to make a decision soon but I'm gonna take one step at a time. I'm not going to rush into things.

Right now, I just wanna be alone.


hearts 14:20:00
0 spoken words

Friday, June 18, 2004


The world seems so dark and menacing that my mind seems to be just closing in. Strength and energy ebbs away as the hands on the clock goes ticking by. Loneliness seems to surround me and embraces me like a mother to her newborn. Alienation seems rife in this world as lovers became strangers and strangers to enemies.

A loss of humanity in this lovely world that You've created, creating a deep longing and desire for love to enter into my world. Sorely turned away at the door, I sat and weeped uncontrollably through the nights.

Father, You said, "Seek and ye shall find". I sought but nothing was the gold. As the pendulum of time goes swinging by, visions of a solitary future kept flashing. I don't understand what it means and wisdom, I beg, would be given upon me to comprehend these wild thoughts of mine.

Father, I love You. The love I have for You is so much greater than before. I've never felt a love so strong, powerful for so long. I feel the deep desire to serve You. To love You. To uphold Your words. Most importantly, to be just like You.

Let Your will be done, my Lord, and not mine.


hearts 03:38:00
0 spoken words

Brought my brother to watch Harry Potter and cos I've watched it before, my mind spaced out to yesterday's conversation with Gracia. She's truly one amazing kid and I'm really please to know how God has used her to communicate with me.

When I told Beizhen about it, she was like, "Gracia is really God-send". I don't need you to tell me that. LOL. I already knew.

Now, I just have to focus real hard and decide whether or not I should respond to Him. Till then, I'll just keep praying that my heart will be led back...

hearts 00:20:00
0 spoken words

Thursday, June 17, 2004

I just realised when I capitalise the the first letter, different ingredients are at work.

How to make a Clara

3 parts anger

3 parts brilliance

5 parts ego
Blend at a low speed for 30 seconds. Serve with a slice of lovability and a pinch of salt. Yum!


Personality cocktail
From Go-Quiz.com

How to make a Lala

1 part jealousy

5 parts humour

3 parts empathy
Layer ingredientes in a shot glass. Add a little wisdom if desired!


Personality cocktail
From Go-Quiz.com

hearts 16:13:00
0 spoken words

You called and I followed,
By Your words I tried to.
My ways of life contradicts
The very person I wanna emulate.

Tears flows from within
As smiles greets the daylight.
The sun shines ever so brightly
Even when clouds came looming by.

My heart turn from cold to ice,
Immuned to the hurt and pain,
I sought for a different drug
To seek my all-time ecstasy.

Pain was my ecstasy; addiction.
The purest of pain, I would beg,
To be inflicted upon my soul.
Now, it has fallen like I have...

Never ending winding path...

hearts 04:35:00
0 spoken words

How to make a lala

3 parts anger

3 parts silliness

3 parts joy
Combine in a tall glass half filled with crushed ice. Serve with a slice of wisdom and a pinch of salt. Yum!


Personality cocktail
From Go-Quiz.com

How to make a clara

5 parts pride

1 part self-sufficiency

3 parts
Add to a cocktail shaker and mix vigorously. Top it off with a sprinkle of lovability and enjoy!


Personality cocktail
From Go-Quiz.com

hearts 03:24:00
0 spoken words

I went for tuition as per normal. Slightly later but I was there. Mrs Teo called and ask if I was going cos I was late and I said yes, I'll definitely be there and then she said,

"Gracia is looking forward to the tuition. Please reach soon."

That's my first reward as a teacher. I've a student who anticipates my arrival.

But that's not the end of it. There was more to come. As the session came to a close, Gracia suddenly had lots of questions for me to answer. Questions about life. Questions about the universe. Questions about religion.

"Do you believe in Christ, Clara?"

"Yes, I do." *smiles*

"Me too."

This was just the beginning of a very interesting conversation that got me to walk all the way from her place to my own as I was too engrossed in my own thoughts.

"How about ghosts? Do you believe in them?"

"I don't. I believe in spirits. Holy spirits. Angels and devils."

"I do. There are just so many things that can't be explained in this world."

*smiles* "There are just some things in this world that are not meant for Man to understand."

"Hm. Clara, do you know who's doubtful Thomas? I can't remember if his name was Thomas but he's from the Bible. When Jesus rose from the dead and met his disciples, Thomas wasn't around and he doubted Christ's resurrection. It was only when he saw Christ with his own eyes that he believe He was alive once again. That's why he's called doubtful Thomas."

"Thomas? Ya. I know him. Some of us just can never believe things till we see it with our own eyes but by then, it might be too late..."

Jesus said to him, "Thomas, because you have seen Me, you have believed. Blessed are those who have not seen and yet have believed." -- John 20:29

"What do you think life is?"

"To me, I believe life is to worship Him, serve Him, minister to my brothers and sisters in Christ and carry on the mission of spreading His words to others."

The five purposes in life is to worship, fellowship, discipleship, ministry and mission.

"Hm. To me, life is just about eating and playing and sleeping." *innocent smile*

She never realised how much impact that little conversation had on me. Little Gracia, all of 11 years, was used by God to speak to me.

And what coincidence is there that Gracia is spanish for Grace.

By God's grace, we're saved.

hearts 02:12:00
0 spoken words

Wednesday, June 16, 2004

Happy birthday Beizhen! Hope you had a sweet 19th birthday. :) -huggles- And I'm really blessed to have you as my sister in Christ! :D

I've made up my mind to leave church. Don't scold me or say anything. I just felt that it's time for me to be alone for a while. Away from judgmental views. Away from condemnation. And find myself back again.

I feel a deep desire to figure out, on my own, what exactly is my calling with Him and decide from there forth.

I'm just too tired to go on in church with a fake smile. Hypocrisy is the worse thing to happen to a church where I expect myself to be true to everyone there.

hearts 01:57:00
0 spoken words

Tuesday, June 15, 2004

Memories concern
Like opening the wound
I'm picking me apart again
You all assume
I'm safer in my room
Unless I try to start again

I don't want to be the one
Who battles always choose
Cuz inside I realize
That I'm the one confused

I don't know what's worth fighting for
Or why I have to scream
I don't know why I instigate
And say what I don't mean
I don't know how I got this way
I know it's not alright
So I'm breaking the habit
I'm breaking the habit tonight

Cultured my cure
I tightly lock the door
I try to catch my breath again
I hurt much more
Than anytime before
I have no options left again

I dont want to be the one
Who battles always choose
Cuz inside I realize
That I'm the one confused

I don't know what's worth fighting for
Or why I have to scream
I don't know why I instigate
And say what I don't mean
I don't know how I got this way
I'll never be alright
So, I'm breaking the habit
I'm breaking the habit tonight

I'll paint it on the walls
Cuz I'm the one that falls
I'll never fight again
And this is how it ends

I don't know what's worth fighting for
Or why I have to scream
But now I have some clarity
to show you what I mean
I don't know how I got this way
I'll never be alright
So, I'm breaking the habit
I'm breaking the habit
I?m breaking the habit tonight

-- Linkin Park's Breaking the Habit

hearts 02:23:00
0 spoken words

Showcasing my beautiful legs.  Posted by Hello

hearts 01:47:00
0 spoken words

Me and Li Lien! ^_^ Posted by Hello

hearts 01:46:00
0 spoken words

Lydia!!! My dearie. -huggles- Posted by Hello

hearts 01:46:00
0 spoken words

Me and Aizhen! Posted by Hello

hearts 01:45:00
0 spoken words

my bruised legs. Posted by Hello

hearts 01:44:00
0 spoken words

Monday, June 14, 2004

It's over.

The play. The production. The finale.

Controlling. Swallowing my tears through the camp. Staying up late till the wee hours just so that I could be me. The real me, who needed to cry so badly but all I could do was laugh and joke in the presence of my so-called family members.

Nobody saw the tears flowing within me. Nobody saw the pain I was going through. And I don't blame them. But not all were blind. He wasn't blind. Everynight, I cried out to Him whilst I shower. Everynight, I cried out to Him whilst I lay on my bed. Everynight, I cried out to Him whilst I tied knot after knot.

I may not get to go for the Mission Trip but what can I do about it? It doesn't matter to me if I get to go or not anymore cos all I wanna know now is...

How is he doing?

hearts 17:29:00
0 spoken words

Thursday, June 10, 2004

At the foot of the mountain they found a great crowd
surrounding the other disciples, as some teachers of
religious law were arguing with them. The crowd watched Jesus
in awe as he came toward them, and then they ran to greet

-- Mark 9:14-15 (NLT)

People were not quite sure what to think or do about Jesus. Some argued
with his disciples about the small points of his ministry. I find it
interesting that those who gave Jesus' disciples the hardest time were
the religious teachers. The regular folks, "the crowd," saw something
in Jesus that was awesome and were drawn to him. I wonder what would
happen if we as "religious people" worried less about pleasing other
religious people and focused more on sharing Jesus with the masses of
common folks who do not really know him!

O God, forgive me for trying to keep the religious folks around me
happy ignoring the lost and hungry souls around me. In Jesus' name I
pray. Amen.

hearts 03:53:00
0 spoken words

当一个男人和一个女人分手之后,如果还能相处得像好友,只有两种可能, 他们其

Took that from Cheng Sing's blog. When I read it, I wanna cry cos the words sounded too familiar.

hearts 03:19:00
0 spoken words

Dear Father, to whom all honor is due,

Let your hand of power rest on your committed servants; sustain
them and let them never grow slack or less devoted to principle.

Help us honor them and to honor Christ by how we present ourselves
to them. Help us demonstrate to them and to your church worldwide
the genuineness of our love and commitment to our Lord Jesus.

Fill your church with such servants. Fill us all with hearts of

In the name of Jesus I thank you for the transforming power you
show forth in the lives of your saints. Amen.


Right now I will really need that transformation power. I'm tired. Really tired. Drained. I probably never felt so drained. All of a sudden, I feel detached from You. All of a sudden, I feel a need to break free and be me.. once again.

hearts 02:14:00
0 spoken words

Wednesday, June 09, 2004

The last time I took this test, I was the book of Lamentations. Now I'm...

You are Psalms
You are Psalms.

Which book of the Bible are you?
brought to you by Quizilla

I've been Siren for quite a while.

You are a Siren. More adventurous than all with a
voice like no other you sit on warm rocks and
sing to the moon and sea. Yet sometimes
shipwrecks find you and raving men want you.
You are a bottle of talent and power. What the
unknown is you seek to find, and a lover. You
have the moon and stars as freinds. There are a
very few of you, what a rare find. Will you
rate my quiz, I think your voice in just

What kind of mermaid are you? (Gorgeous Pics)
brought to you by Quizilla

hearts 20:28:00
0 spoken words

I feel so drained.

hearts 03:25:00
0 spoken words

Tuesday, June 08, 2004

It has been a long time since I took that long, solitude walk back from Tampines Mall. Eversince I took on the Project Timothy course, I find myself getting more and more disoriented. It's freakish cos we're not supposed to get more disoriented, rather, we should be getting more oriented. Yet, as the weeks go by, I find myself enjoying church more yet with a hint of need to detach myself from it.

Things happened and I'm contemplating a serios thought in my mind. It might spell the end of something but it could also spell the beginning of something else but I don't know. I have been thinking about it for quite a while and it's really bothering me deep inside. I told some people about it but I know that I won't listen to anyone but me and Him.

I feel the craving for alcohol again. It's an addiction. I probably have to sign up AAA which is not located in Singapore. LOL. Anonymous Alcoholics Association. :) I know I'm on a down spiral that's going faster and faster. That I'm drowning... drowning. I tried to pull myself up, in fact, up till now, I'm still trying. They said trying is 50% of the battle won yet I felt that trying is the best I can do. Apparently, I often fall into the losing category.

Some unexpected consolation came last night from Mervin before he went to serve the country this morning. Though we've been like mere acquaintence, just him being there, reading my thoughts, is comforting enough. Sometimes, some things are best left unspoken. What you don't know can't possibly kill, can it? But it definitely will kill the one trying so hard to hide it within her bosom.

There are choices to be made and questions to be answered. There are paths to be taken and journeys to be completed. Do I have the mind to handle all these? I do not know. But I know that one wrong choice made, a wrong answer to a wrong question, a wrong path would lead to an incomplete or unsatisfied journey. I have to make my choice. I have to decide. And all I'm gonna do is

Pray and Believe.

hearts 19:36:00
0 spoken words

Your wings are BROKEN and tattered. You are
an angelic spirit who has fallen from grace for
one reason or another - possibly, you made one
tragic mistake that cost you everything. Or
maybe you were blamed for a crime you didn't
commit. In any case, you are faithless and
joyless. You find no happiness, love, or
acceptance in your love or in yourself. Most
days are a burden and you wonder when the
hurting will end. Sweet, beautiful and
sorrowful, you paint a tragic and touching
picture. You are the one that few understand.
Those that do know you are likely to love you
deeply and wish that they could do something to
ease your pain. You are constantly living in
memories of better times and a better world.
You are hard on yourself and self-critical or
self-loathing. Feeling rejected and unloved,
you are sensitive, caring, deep, and despite
your tainted nature, your soul is
breathtakingly beautiful.

Image is a painting by Natalya Nesterova,

*~*~*Claim Your Wings - Pics and Long Answers*~*~*
brought to you by Quizilla

hearts 13:41:00
0 spoken words

Sometimes thinking too much can be harmful to the mind and body. I remember staying up through the night over some trivial questions and crying over them constantly.

Cos sometimes, thoughts are just not meant to be spoken.

hearts 00:39:00
0 spoken words

Monday, June 07, 2004

As the day draws closer,
My heart seems to go slower.
Images of you flashes by,
Drowning me out at night.

When you said goodbye to me,
I never expected a 'hello'.
You surprised me, like always,
And seek for embrace of my tied arms.

You gave me choices to make.
Simple to decide, hard to implement.
You make me go round and round
In this ever tiresome liasion.

I have to make a decision,
I have to make a choice.
So baby, I'm sorry for doing this
But I've to write you off.

hearts 01:46:00
0 spoken words

Sunday, June 06, 2004

Ok. Some people have been asking me who this dream guy of mine is. Well, Sivert is the guy standing in the 3rd row 2nd from the left! :D Posted by Hello

hearts 03:46:00
0 spoken words

I designed this for the fund-raising project!!! Simple I know but I'm such a design idiot. :) Posted by Hello

hearts 03:45:00
0 spoken words

You got in girl! You got in!

I swear, if it's not cos of you, I won't be so excited over all these shit but you rock. You should know it. You're the queen! :D

hearts 03:32:00
0 spoken words

Saturday, June 05, 2004

Read this on someone else's blog and found it really meaningful.


Once upon a time... there was a rich King who had 4 wives.

He loved the 4th wife the most and adorned her with rich robes and treated her to the finest of delicacies. He gave her nothing but the best.

He also loved the 3rd wife very much and was always showing her off to neighbouring kingdoms. However, he feared that one day she would leave him for another.

He also loved his 2nd wife. She was his confidante and was always kind, considerate and patient with him. Whenever the King faced a problem, he could confide in her to help him get through the difficult times.

The King's 1st wife was a very loyal partner and had made great contributions in maintaining his wealth and kingdom. However, he did not love the first wife and although she loved him deeply, he hardly took notice of her.

One day, the King fell ill and he knew his time was short.

He thought of his luxurious life and pondered, "I now have 4 wives with me, but when I die, I'll be all alone.

Thus, he asked the 4th wife, "I have loved you the most, endowed you with the finest clothing and showered great care over you. Now that I'm dying, will you follow me and keep me company?"

"No way!" replied the 4th wife and she walked away without another word.

Her answer cut like a sharp knife right into his heart.

The sad King then asked the 3rd wife, "I have loved you all my life. Now that I'm dying, will you follow me and keep me company?"

"No!" replied the 3rd wife. "Life is too good! When you die, I'm going to remarry!"

His heart sank and turned cold.

He then asked the 2nd wife, "I have always turned to you for help and you've always been there for me. When I die, will you follow me and keep me company?"

"I'm sorry, I can't help you out this time!" replied the 2nd wife. "At the very most, I can only send you to your grave."

Her answer came like a bolt of thunder and the King was devastated.

Then a voice called out: "I'll leave with you and follow you no matter where you go." The King looked up and there was his first wife. She was so skinny, she suffered from malnutrition.

Greatly grieved, the King said, "I should have taken much better care of you when I had the chance!"

In Truth, we all have 4 wives in our lives ...

Our 4th wife is our body. No matter how much time and effort we lavish in making it look good, it'll leave us when we die.

Our 3rd wife is our possessions, status and wealth. When we die, it will all go to others.

Our 2nd wife is our family and friends. No matter how much they have been there for us, the furthest they can stay by us is up to the grave.

And our 1st wife is our Soul, often neglected in pursuit of wealth, power and pleasures of the ego. However, our Soul is the only thing that will follow us wherever we go.

So cultivate, strengthen and cherish it now! It is your greatest gift to offer the world.

hearts 06:22:00
0 spoken words

I'm gonna make an appeal to all you beautiful people!

I need soft toys and clothes so if any of you have any to give away, please contact me at thespian@keeptouch.net

I'm going on a mission trip and any contribution is greatly appreciated. :)

hearts 01:48:00
0 spoken words

Friday, June 04, 2004

You left your mark on me.

It's easy to see the impact that you have to my life. It's easy to see how easily swayed I am by your words and actions. It's easy to see what are the appropriate choices to be made.


It's hard for me to follow through with the decided choice. It's hard to see the true intentions beyond the physical. It's hard to see what position I hold in your hectic lifestyle.

So tell me

What relationship would this be if I was to agree to it?

What securities would I gain?

We both want our freedom.
We both want our fair share in this dating game.

So let's not talk about love anymore.

Shall we be just friends?

hearts 00:15:00
0 spoken words

Wednesday, June 02, 2004

When you met me, you said I looked sexy and complained that I've never dressed up for you whenever we met up.

But the places we go never permitted for a smart casual wear.

When I got into the car with Raymond, you started getting jealous and loud when Raymond asked if he could date me.

But you let me go... Remember?

When we headed on to get food for you, you told me you missed me alot and you don't understand why and asked me whether I felt the same.

I couldn't say things that will eventually hurt.

When we headed on into the park for some quiet time together, you told me you love me and still have feelings for me and asked if I felt the same.

Spilled water can never be taken back.

When we headed on back to my block, you made a promise to meet me at least once a week and declared it C & C (Christy and Clara) Day.

Why now when all the heartbreaks have been made?

When I entered the lift, you told me to be good and to let you know once I got myself attached again and reiterate to me that you haven't dated anyone since we parted.

Some things are better left unsaid.

hearts 03:06:00
0 spoken words

Tuesday, June 01, 2004

To see blood in your dream, represents life, love, and passion as well as disappointments. If you see the word "blood" written in your dream, then it may refer to some situation in your life that is permanent and cannot be changed.

To dream that you are bleeding or losing blood, signifies that you are suffering from exhaustion or that you are feeling emotionally drained. It may also denote bitter confrontations between you and your friends. Your past actions has come back to haunt you.

Wow. What revelation. Boy, am I surprise to see this. As if.

Kelvin called me like at 1am cos he thought I called him. And he called me Xiao Zhu! OMG! That beer guzzling wild boar! LOL. So irritating. Always bullying me. -hmph-

Ejay called me as well yesterday. He sounded like Christy. Freaky but ya, he's sweet. My sis asked me what's up with my preference for indians now. LOL. I don't know but Ejay ain't indian; he's eurasian. :p

hearts 19:11:00
0 spoken words

Primal Instincts has revealed their answers to my depreciating value for life.

Love addiction.


I'm ADDICTED to love.

hearts 02:30:00
0 spoken words