walking contradiction

25 years old.
a girl of irony.
studying in university of new south wales - ba/llb.
living and let live.
truly blessed by His and his love.

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Tuesday, May 31, 2005

I wish I knew what to do.

Really, I do.

hearts 04:00:00
0 spoken words

Saturday, May 28, 2005

There's a war going on.

Between the nation called Logic and the rebels called Emotions. Logic seemed to be winning for most part but Emotions are coming out strong and it seems, Logic might be defeated.

hearts 02:06:00
0 spoken words

Friday, May 27, 2005

I keep telling myself to press forward.
To not look back.
That there's nothing left for me back there.

Yunting was telling me that I should fight to get him back in my life since I love him so much. She kept saying that I shouldn't always be the one letting go or being the one to have to sacrifice all the time. But how do you fight for something when the person has made the choice to marry the other girl? Who am I to fight for such things?

I also wanna fight. I wanna fight for my own happiness with him. I wanna fight for alot of things but the thing is I can't. He has made up his choice and I just have to let it be. My time with him is up and I can only be thankful for all the memories.

I really wish I could fight for a chance to be with you but I'm sorry that I decided to give up this fight. Please be happy with her.

hearts 20:30:00
0 spoken words


One Last Cry
- Brian McKnight -

My shattered dreams and broken heart
Are mending on the shelf
I saw you holding hands
Standing close to someone else
Now I sit all alone
Wishing all my feelings was gone
I gave my best to you
Nothing for me to do
But have one last cry

[Chorus:]
One last cry
Before I leave it all behind
I gotta put you out of my mind this time
Stop living a lie
I guess I'm down to my last cry

Cry.....

I was here
You were there
Guess we never could agree
While the sun shines on you
I need some love to rain on me
Still I sit all alone
Wishing all my feelings was gone
Gotta get over you
Nothing for me to do
But have one last cry

[Chorus:]
One last cry
Before I leave it all behind
I goota put you out of my mind
For the very last time
Been living a lie
I guess I'm down, I guess I'm down
I guess I'm down...
I guess I'm down...
To my last cry...

hearts 17:59:00
0 spoken words


Jianhui, Kaijun, Dominic... thanks for being there for me especially Jianhui. Rushing out of your house to meet me today. Thanks alot. :)

A big thank you to all my other friends as well like Martin, Anna, Davina, Priya, Peifang, Rehana, Joel, Celine, Lydia and others!! Really, I'm trying my darnest to move on. I really am.

And last but not least, I wanna say thank you to that guy who drove down to my place just to have supper with me and to see if I'm still crying. Yes, you Mervin. I wanna say a big thank you to you as well. :) I know I'll always have a shoulder to lean on with you around.

hearts 05:04:00
0 spoken words


I know God won't give me anything I can't handle. I just wish He didn't trust me so much.
-- Mother Teresa

hearts 02:42:00
0 spoken words

Thursday, May 26, 2005

Right at this very moment,
I'm wishing I could call you.
I'm wishing I could hug you.
I'm wishing I could kiss you.

Right at this very moment,

I wish I could still hear you say, "I love you."

hearts 19:33:00
0 spoken words


It's difficult to play Diablo II without wanting to call you and check with you what stats should I pump.

It's difficult to play Diablo II without wanting to turn around and ask the invisible you whether you wanna take over or could you play for me.

It's difficult but I know I can move on.

I know I will be happy soon.

Promise me that you'll be happy with her.

That's all I'm asking for.

hearts 16:57:00
0 spoken words

Wednesday, May 25, 2005

Gary,

Don’t think I should be calling you dear now if I’m going to type this to you. Over the past 7 months that we’ve been together, you’ve brought me much joy and much laughter, something that I sorely missed since Mervin left my life. Yet, above that, I’ve cried a lot as well and it has been agonising for me to reach this conclusion.

You see, in the beginning when we started, I told you that I can’t afford to get hurt again but still, I took the risk in loving you with as much as I could allow myself to. When I found out about Valerie about a week into our relationship, I was completely shattered. Maybe to you, at that point in time, I didn’t love you but I cried a lot as I made that painful decision. That’s why when you send me those messages, I relented and went back to you.

Over the past 7 months, I’ve came to terms that I’ll never be able to get you to leave her or love me the way you loved her. I will never be the Queen of your heart, nor your wife. I still remember very distinctively during that phone conversation about Joel, how you were so frustrated and said that you’ve been trying to set things straight for me. I even recall the bust-up we had at Raffles City Shopping Centre and you told me over the phone that you’ve broken up with her, only to be told later that it’s an exaggerated lie.

I keep telling myself to press on, stick to the two months’, and let us be happy for the two months. I tried my best to contain myself and my fluctuating emotions. I keep telling myself that if I keep to my promise, you would too. But now I’m wondering, do you even remember what you told me you were going to do, 2 months ago?

When I asked you that earlier in our phone conversation, you said you have forgotten. Let me tell you what you promised. You said you wanted to create a future for the both of us. You said you wanted your family and friends to accept me. You said that once you settled all these, we will try out for long-distance relationship. I expressed my concerns about such a relationship and you said that maybe you’ll move over at the end of your contract or you could visit every 6 months. You even went to the extent of saying that you wish to pop the question to me.

Silly me. Really. I actually believed everything you said to be true. I waited for things to happen, only for more phone calls to be rejected and messages left without replies during the weekends. When you were admitted to hospital, you probably thought that I didn’t care about you. Yet, you never really cared about my feelings. I could only visit you at hours like 2200hrs, after your parents and she left. I couldn’t be there without having to hide first but I guess the most painful part of it was when, in front of me, you told your cousin that I’m just a friend and even proceed to talk about her. The constant reminder of her position in your family was emphasized further when they just kept calling her, “sister”.

I’ve really became very tired. I don’t mean to give you so much trouble and annoyance during the weekends. You never cared for my feelings and I guess, I never cared about yours too. When I heard over the phone how you liked things to be the way it is now, I realised that I’ve been a big fool in believing that you really wanted US to have a happily ever after. How naïve and foolish can a girl be? Whenever I want to talk about my feelings, you would change topic or not listen and I’ve to just play along when my heart hurts like fuck all the time.

You’ve been trying very hard to keep my spirits up the past two weeks. I know that and I’m really very thankful for this two weeks. Yet, I’ve also realised that you have absolutely no intentions to carry out what you said you would and, well, you wanted me to remain in my status quo. You really think that I won’t leave you right? You probably think that no matter what, I’ll still run back to you.

The memories that we shared in Cherating and Ubin were really the only things that kept me going for so long. There, I felt as if I was alone with you – away from everything and everyone. Even when her image popped into my head once in a while during those getaways, I was contented to just having you to myself. Yet, each time the trip comes to an end, I know as well that time is running out for us. I couldn’t hold up like I could in the beginning. I wasn’t able to be nonchalant and just react as if there were nothing between us at all.

I still remember during one of our numerous KTV sessions, you asked me why I like to ask you to sing the song, “Lian Xi” by Andy Lau. Let me explain to you now. Right from the point where I found out about her and your almost 8 years long relationship, every single day and night was spent in preparation for the possible break-up. I was prepared to throw in the towel at any point of the relationship and was even more prepared that one day, you’ll just walk out of my life.

You made a lot of promises to me through out these 7 months and almost none came true. This particular period in my life is probably one of the most difficult. I was thinking to myself, telling myself that if you stayed by my side, everything will be so much better and so much easier to get by. Then I realise today that that’s not going to happen as I’m tired. I’m giving up.

When your last message said to me, “what do you want me to say? ?” I knew there and then that we’ve lost. Our relationship can no longer be salvaged or maintained. You’ve taken liberty that I will never leave and made full use of it. I’ve taken liberty in believing that you’ll make those words come true. I’m equally at fault for causing this relationship to fail. I acknowledged that I’ve been a bad girlfriend and had never been understanding enough towards your wants and needs.

So now, as this letter comes to an end, I also say goodbye to you for one last time. I’ve decided to give up, decided that I don’t want to be in this relationship further. It’s painful for me to make this decision and you have no idea how much I’m crying as I type this letter out to you. I made the decision to break up with you and I really hope this letter will let you know better how I really felt and what I was really thinking through out this relationship.
I wrote this letter on Friday morning and wanted to give it to you when you came to look for me later that day. You asked me why my eyes were swollen and I just kept evading the question. I cried a lot, close to nearly 4 hours of pure crying. Mervin had to comfort me, telling me that everything will be fine. The irony.

When you finally called me back last night and that conversation followed, my heart just died. I’ve been trying to hang on to that string, then I realised that it wasn’t a string but a snake that wanted to kill me. You had made your point clearly across to me and I think, I did too. Valerie and you have my blessings. I will leave. That’s what you want, isn’t it? I’ll grant it to you.

I’ve been waiting for a miracle for this relationship but it never came. I’ve been waiting for happiness to knock on my door but it decided others needed it first. I came after her and I should be the one leaving so now, I thank you for every thing that you’ve done. I just hope that you really did love me at some point in time of this relationship and it wasn’t all about “nei-nei” and sex. And lastly, I’m sorry but I have to leave.


The girl who loved you,
Clara

hearts 16:35:00
0 spoken words


Let me recount about last night. I was out having a very late dinner with Buddy as I haven't been eating well lately. He messaged me and I felt interrogated but at that point in time, I also felt sick in the stomach; that the time is up for the both of us. He called me and he was like being so fierce and all. I asked him what's wrong, why was he biting me but he insisted that he wasn't. Eventually, I asked him to wait for me at my block's void deck.

When I met him and I saw his eyes, I knew there and then something is amiss. I tried to act nonchalant and we went up to my place. As we sat in the living room, I asked him who has he chosen. He replied you know already what. I said I don't know. I wanna hear it from you. And he was like, "I'm with her." That three words still ring deep within me. I started feeling nauseous and I just didn't know what to say. I asked him what he means. Then he said something to the effect that they will get married sooner or later.

I asked him then why do you still bother to come here if you've already made up your mind. He said he don't know. Then I asked him, "what about the promises that you made?" Then he said that it was cos of my attitude and that even there wasn't her, he would still leave me. I told him that it was unfair, that he never really gave me a chance to be with him without the shadow of another girl and he insisted that he gave me loadsa chance.

Finally, my stomach couldn't hold up anymore. I ran to the toilet and puked. I think he got shocked cos he was right behind me, getting me to puke everything out. He still called me those affectionate names like baby, dear, girl, dear dear, darling... but the feeling wasn't the same anymore. By then, it was kinda late and somehow, I started to hyperventilate again. I got scared. Really scared. The feeling of paralysis in front of a guy with whom the relationship is over, was just scary. I kept telling him to call buddy and he got kinda pissed.

I kept pushing him away whilst trying to get him to sleep over at my place as it was too late. He tried to hug and kiss me. I told him it's time to stop. That he made his choice and should stick by it. Then he said he can't resist me. I told him that he has to try. He kept saying stuff like, he didn't want to but he had no choice. I was like telling him, nobody can force you to make a decision against your will. Deep inside, you know you want to be with her so stop.

When he left my house, I didn't dare to stare at him for long. I didn't dare to let his presence linger any further. He left with a smile on his face and that was all that mater.

Cried alot later today. Probably never thought I would really be this heartbroken towards his actions but well, I was. The nagging thought of his impending marriage to that girl was killing me yet when I recalled the smile he had on his face when he left my place, I knew I made the right choice to let go.

Martin has been comforting me the whole day. Offered to go manicure with me and other places. Peifang accompanied me to eat and to see the doctor but I couldn't stomach anything solid so I just drank barley. Went to see the doctor and was given 2 days' MC and a pack of sleeping pills. I actually asked Halley if he could accompany me to the clinic and he wanted to but he had to rush from school so I thought, never mind. I have Peifang with me, I'll be fine.

Mervin has been comforting me as well, in his own unique way of course. Buddy just kept telling me over and over again that I made the right choice; that I'm one step closer to the happiness that I've been yearning for. Jac came over to my place and stayed with me as I shifted from crybaby to just a tired teenager. Priya was like are you ok kinda stuff and well, everybody else have been very encouraging.

Thanks everyone.

I hope that I'll be able to stand up strong as I fight off all the urges to message or call him. I miss him dearly but I won't tell that to him personally. The moment I saw him out of that door. I know there was no more turning back. He's going to be somebody else's husband, some other girl's children's father. He can never be the guy I was with a while back. So now, I shall just keep my feelings at bay and thank God for granting me the beautiful yet tumultuous 7 months I've spent with him. Thank you.

hearts 01:10:00
0 spoken words

Tuesday, May 24, 2005

Horoscope for the day:
There's absolutely no doubt that love is in the air. You haven't felt this lighthearted and romantic since ... well, since Valentine's Day. Keeping that in mind, you should know that it's not just you. The rest of the world is feeling it too, which means your sweetheart can't help but be in a similar frame of mind and mood. Of course, you can always get the show on the road by bringing home a rose and the perfect attitude. Couldn't hurt, right?


The irony when my tears are flowing right at this very instant and we just broke up. :)

hearts 12:47:00
0 spoken words


We broke up.

Nothing fancy.
No tears.
No screams.
No shouts.
No begs.

We broke up.

hearts 12:28:00
0 spoken words

Monday, May 23, 2005

Me: I give up. Do you want me to give up?

Him: Of course I don't want.

Me: Then can you give me a reason not to?

Him: We'll talk about this on Monday night.

1 day later...

Me: You finally called.

Him: I thought I said we'll talk on Monday.

Me: You're with her?

Him: Yes.

Me: You've chosen her?

Him: Don't know.

Me: You just said yes. It's ok.

Him: We'll talk about this on Monday, k?

Me: Up to you, bye.

An hour later...

Me: I think I know where I stand in your heart. The both of you have my blessings.

Just like that... and it was it.

hearts 13:48:00
0 spoken words

Sunday, May 22, 2005

Going back to primary school with Alex, Sharon and Jo can be pretty therapeutic. The carefree days were practically re-enacted in front of me. I kept thinking and wondering, how beautiful it would be if I could be stuck in that moment of bliss and innocence and never have to know the meaning of love, hate and pain.

We walked around the school, recounting the past as we passed every pillar and individual. Jo was like saying that everybody doesn't seem to have changed. I paused for a while and replied that well, I know I've changed and we just smiled. Change is inevitable. It's the natural progression in life. We resist changes yet it's changes that pretty much shape us to be who we will eventually be.

Miss Chia was nowhere to be found cos she was in the morning shift which means, we missed her again. I just don't understand - why must she ALWAYS take on the morning shift? Doesn't she feel the need to sleep in? Damn. Then again, no one is as lazy as me. LOL.

We managed to find Mrs Tay though and I was pleasantly shocked that she could still remember my name!!! I was beaming. I told her that I'm planning to go overseas to study Psychology soon and she was telling me that she thought I would go into Media full-time. I told her that I would love to but sometimes, I just need a back-up plan. We spoke alot about the past and she made me buy a dress for $1. LOL. It's a pretty nice dress but kinda too formal for everyday wear. She kept chiding me for not visiting her for so long.

After a while, we decided to head off. Sharon and Alex went off to Tampines whilst Jo and I headed off to Parkway for a drink and some chit-chat. Talked about our current life. Catched up alot. Afterwhich, I headed down to the hospital and visit my father.

I got pissed off by my mother today. She was like making me sound so useless in front of everybody. Saying that I do not help out and stuff like that. O well, apparently, me waking up at 0830hrs to get ready and accompany my brother to his school for a talk; me waiting for 1830hrs to come on friday to pick Sonia up; me taking on extra jobs - were all insignificant in her eyes. She just keeps complaining and comparing me with others. I literally burst in front of her and my recovering father. I told her to shut up and stop being irritating. I just walked off.

It's tiring to be unappreciated by friends and a boyfriend that I shouldn't even have. It's even more tiring to be unappreciated by your own family members. She keep stressing that I'm not doing enough, that I don't care about my own father. O! Amongst my siblings, beside Sonia, I'm like the only one who actually INITIATES to go visit my father but my brother got the credit of course. I'm just that useless piece of liability. I just can't be bothered. I wanted to shout at her that I've had enough of all these shit; that if I could die, it would be blessing in disguise for me - a total release.

She even had the cheek to say that she might not send me overseas to study when I just learnt that she's gonna get my brother a pocket PC before his USA trip. This is fucking ridiculous. I just can't take this nonsense.

If all I'm gonna get is being taken for granted by all these people in my life, then let me say one thing - "Grant me death!" I'm not willing and absolutely refuse to give in or compromise anymore. Gary fucking takes me for granted. My family members take me for granted. My friends take me for granted. You know what. Screw everything up. I rather be alone; confined to Institute of Mental Health or hell. I'm just fucking irritated by everything.

Being unappreciated is one thing. Being dissed in front of everybody else and making them believe that I'm doing NOTHING - that I detest.

Fuck. And you think I brought depression upon myself.

11 days left and really, I can't be bothered anymore.

hearts 02:00:00
0 spoken words

Saturday, May 21, 2005

I'm sick and tired of doing things and being taken for granted.
If that's all I'm gonna get, really, I don't give a fuck anymore.

hearts 23:13:00
0 spoken words


Goodbye
- Alicia Keys -

Mmmhmm, bye, bye

How do you love someone
That hurts you oh so bad
With intentions good
Was all he ever had

But how do I let go when I've
Loved him for so long and I've
Given him all that I could
Maybe love is a hopeless crime
Giving up what seems your lifetime
What went wrong with something once so good

How do you find the words to say
To say goodbye
If your heart don't have the heart to say
To say goodbye

I know now I was naive
Never knew where this would lead
And I'm not trying to take away
From the good man that he is

But how do I let go when I've
Loved him for so long and I've
Given him all that I could
Was it something wrong that we did
Because others infiltrated
What went wrong with something once so good

How do you find the words to say
To say goodbye
If your heart don't have the heart to say
To say goodbye

Is this the end are you sure
How should you know when you've never been here before
It's so hard to just let go
When this is the one and only love I've ever known

So how do you find the words to say
To say goodbye
If your heart don't have the heart to say
To say goodbye

-----*-----

Wake Up
- Alicia Keys -

You used to be my closest ally
In this cold cold world of deception and lies
We would defend and protect one another
Now I can't tell if we're enemies or lovers

[Bridge:]
So who's gonna rescue us from ourselves

[Hook:]
When we gonna wake up baby?
When it's time for lovin'
When we gonna wake up my baby?
Before it's too late?

[Verse 2:]
Oh, baby, where did we go wrong, baby?
Did this cold, cold world turn us into stone?
Now all I battle is your ego and your pride
It's ticking like a time bomb, ready too ignite
Hurtin' me to fight

[Bridge:]
Who's gonna rescue us from ourselves

[Hook2:]
When we gonna wake up baby?
It's time for lovin'
When it's time for lovin'
Before it's too late?

[Bridge:]
When the smoke clears
What will be left for us but tears and pain
Why must we argue over the same things
Just to make up and go back again
It's never too late
But it's been too long
Can't get it right when no one thinks they're wrong
When no on thinks they're wrong
Gotta get out of bed
And take a look at what's going on

[Hook and out]

-----*-----

You Don't Know
- 98 Degrees -

Who could know the emptiness inside
Every time I see your face
Too many feelings left behind
Do you wonder why
I turn away when you look at me
Never wanting your eyes to see
This desperate heart that knows
How perfect we could be

Baby cause you don't know, how I feel
Livin' my life without you
Baby and you don't know what it's like
Lovin' you all this time
I'll give you all my love, heart and soul
Riskin' it all on a chance
Now when I need you the most, you don't know

All I ever wanted in this world
Baby I found in you
I never felt this way before
But I can't break through
And now I lie awake, alone at night
So afraid now to close my eyes
Just one more dream of you
I'll carry here inside

Baby cause you don't know, how I feel
Livin' my life without you
Baby and you don't know what it's like
Lovin' you all this time
I'll give you all my love, heart and soul
Riskin' it all on a chance
Now when I need you the most, you don't know

And I would hold you all through the night
I would stay right by your side
And I'd give you the world if your love was mine
But baby could it be I'm only dreamin'
Don't let it pass me by

Baby cause you don't know, how I feel
Livin' my life without you
Baby and you don't know what it's like
Lovin' you all this time
I'll give you all my love, heart and soul
Riskin' it all on a chance
Now when I need you the most, you don't know

hearts 02:11:00
0 spoken words













The Keys to Your Heart



You are attracted to those who have a split personality - cold as ice on the outside but hot as fire in the heart.

In love, you feel the most alive when your partner is patient and never willing to give up on you.

You'd like to your lover to think you are loyal and faithful... that you'll never change.

You would be forced to break up with someone who was ruthless, cold-blooded, and sarcastic.

Your ideal relationship is lasting. You want a relationship that looks to the future... one you can grow with.

Your risk of cheating is zero. You care about society and morality. You would never break a commitment.

You think of marriage as something precious. You'll treasure marriage and treat it as sacred.

In this moment, you think of love as something you don't need. You just feel like flirting around and playing right now.



What Are The Keys To Your Heart?

hearts 00:48:00
0 spoken words


I wrote a letter yesterday.

It speaks of everything and anything that I've wanted to convey to you.

It will be my first and last letter to you.

hearts 00:46:00
0 spoken words

Thursday, May 19, 2005

You really give me the feeling that I should just give up on everything. And I really mean, "GIVE UP".

hearts 23:14:00
0 spoken words






Your Love Style is Storge









For you, love and friendship are almost the same thing

And your love tends to be the enduring, long lasting kind

(You've been known to still have connections with exes)

But sometimes your love is not the most passionate

Leap before you look, and you'll find that fire you crave



What's Your Love Style?

hearts 18:45:00
0 spoken words

Monday, May 16, 2005

What's the difference between "I love you" and "I'm in love with you"? Maybe that's the question I'm asking myself right now. Whether I'm in love with you or do I just love you.

I shouldn't even be bothering about my own personal affairs when my family needs support more than ever. I've to stand strong. Everybody keeps telling me that, "Girl, you gotta be strong". To hell with that. What is strength when all you're doing is being a hypocrite to yourself?

Can't even believe that I cried in the toilets when I was at work today. I'm falling apart and who's fixing me up? ME. I'm really tired. My energy and strength level is only this much. I'll hold out for as long as I can but please don't blame me if I decide to let the curtain fall on me sooner.

18 days... 17 days soon.

hearts 00:57:00
0 spoken words

Sunday, May 15, 2005

I just wanna break down and cry.
Don't wanna hold it all in
And feel my chest tighten against
The immense pressure within.

I just wanna turn back time and see.
Don't wanna let it all go away
And feel that I've let it slipped,
Those beautiful, wonderful memories.

I just wanna wake up and listen.
Don't wanna hear those sobs
And the echoes of all these pain
As I watch you walk and talk.

I just wanna loosen up and embrace.
Don't wanna have to wait too long
And lose the man who has been
The silent pillar of this family of mine.

hearts 01:03:00
0 spoken words


I'm like living in a nightmare that doesn't wish to end. I seem to have little affinity with the lady named Happiness. Somehow or other, I was forced to grow up overnight.

I just wanna run away from all of these yet I'm forced out of my comfort zone. How am I gonna survive through all of these especially when in 19 days, he might leave me?

I'm really tired. Tired of having to do all these shit.

If my life is worth anything, I will gladly exchange it for his. Let me be the lamb to be sacrificed than him. In a way, I'm more of a liability to this family. He's the life source. He can't be gone. So let me be the lamb.

19 days and I'm breaking.

hearts 00:35:00
0 spoken words

Wednesday, May 11, 2005

I wish I was an ostrich, then I can just bury my head deep into the ground and wait for all the misfortunes, troubles and tragedies to pass me by. When my head emerges, it's like nothing ever happened. I wanna run away from reality. I'm tired of handling emotional creatures like myself. I'm tired of handling truth. In short, I'm tired of being me.

hearts 22:04:00
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Sunday, May 08, 2005

Today, something dawned on me.
Something really negative.
Something that, I guess, everybody has been praying won't happen to me.
Something that I have been praying will be kept at bay from me.
I know that someday, maybe I can believe in it once again.
I know that all I need is to step out of my comfort zone.
I know that I'm one of the more fortunate people on Earth.
Yet, something dawned on me today.

I no longer believe in love. No humans know the true meaning of a bond. We all depend on each other for particular traits in them. We are only together cos it's beneficial. No one human can truly exclaim out love and expets nothing back.

So. There's no such thing as love.

Then again... they said God is love.

hearts 23:00:00
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"sms me and i will reply when i can"


You messaged me the above. I dropped you a message at 1845hrs and now, more than 7 hours have passed me by and all I'm looking at is a silent phone. "when i can" sounds more like never to me. It's fine. How could you risk getting into trouble with her? It's fine to make me upset and make me feel unimportant. I know I'm just a little speck of dust in your life that you will wipe off soon. It's fine. I've my tears to accompany me through the night.

I made a stoic promise to God today and I wish you well.

Now, please do let me retreat as I dance with my tears in the night to the music of my cries and pleas.

hearts 03:55:00
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As I was on my way home from dinner at Hungping's place, I saw this old couple along Bedok Reservoir Road. They are probably in their 70s and probably living without their children. They were crossing the road and they were holding hands as if to guide each other safely across. Then on reaching the pavement, the wife placed her arms around the husband, who was walking with help of a walking stick.

That simple gesture of love send a resounding question in my heart. It was the same question that surfaced when I read of how Mr. Wee Kim Wee lovingly kept a file that contained the list of songs his wife loved in order of preference. The very same question tugged my heart when I read how they held hands as he breathed his last and how the frail Mrs. Wee stood shakily over the man, whom she has came to known as her husband, the father of her children amongst the many others, and placed stoically a red rose amongst the whites and pinks; how she grieved during the past week since his passing.

How... How did these people find that one person who could love and cherish them for a lifetime? Is it even humanly possible? Has love been reduced to nothingmore than a verbal account of feelings that come and go without hints? Has such pure and true love gone with the wind as these generation passes on?

I once thought I held a love that was pure and true. That he and I will be together for life and eternity. I could picture no others as the father of my children and my husband. Yet, that love went away when he decided he wanted out. I remembered how I fought hard to retain that very love and became despondent that I will never be able to find someone whom I can love in that very same fashion and that I will never have that much will to commit again. For so long, I saw him as the one man whom I can rely on through all thick and thin.

Whenever I see these old couples, I feel a tug in my heart. What's different about me that made me lose the one man I could picture myself with for life? What's different about me that allowed me to go through the numerous hurt and pain? What's different about me that I can't taste the sweet fruits of a relationship and a happy ending?

Many people has comforted me that the timing is not right. Yet, as each day passes me by and each night crawls away, I find myself even more certain that there will never be another guy I can fully rely on and trust after him. Not even the current him. Will I be able to walk out of this shadow? Will I have a future? Will I have a family of my own? Will I have a man who will walk down the aisle with me, keeps his oath, love me for who I am and be with me for an entire lifetime? Will I ever find the pure and true love so many talk about, yet eludes many?

If only God will answer me.... If only.

25 days and I see the cross-junction coming up.

hearts 02:07:00
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Saturday, May 07, 2005

替身
张宇

我知道 那是他最爱的颜色 我知道 那是他的烟盒
我知道 那是他送你的相本 你留着 代替失去的部份
我知道 温柔真的需要天份 我知道 我的最大可能
我知道 这是不会停的拔河 我在等 等你忘了那个人

他一定曾经让你如置天堂 才值得你到现在念念不忘
你不懂隐瞒不是我的最伤 是看见破绽却必须体谅
我只能为自己找个地方 你的泪你的谎我都不看
越沉默越为难只会让我又爱你又绝望
我的爱一开始就被分享 谁的多谁的少你有答案
你不能因为他让你遗憾就把我当成他
(没有谁可以当谁的替身我和他不一样)

我和他 不一样 没有谁可以当谁的替身

-----*-----

Translation

Title: Substitute
Singer: Phil Cheung

I know that's his favorite color. I know that's his cigratte box.
I know that's the photo album he gave, which you kept to replace all that was lost.
I know that love is a gift. I know that's my greatest possibility.
I know this river is never-ending. I'm waiting for you to forget about him.

He must have made you feel like you're in heaven, so much so that you can't forget up till this day.
You do not know that it's not the lying or pretence that hurts, but the need to understand when I notice the loopholes.
All I can do is find a place for myself where I can't see your tears nor your lies.
Yet, as silence grows and more treacherous the road becomes, my love for you just deepens and get more despair.

From the beginning, the love has been shared. Who had more of it and who has less of it, you know the answer.
You can't take me as him just because he left you with grief and regrets.
(Nobody can be another person's substitute cos I'm different from him.)

Him and I. We are different. Nobody can be another person's substitute.

hearts 18:08:00
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"u're really makin me feel that u don't care about my feelings. when i told u i'm crying last night, u didn't even bother to msg/call. now, i just wanna know where were u last night? what was that noisy background? will u call me? do u still love me?

i'm really taking aback by what happened. was really hurt. i just want your replies and ya voice. am i asking for too much? i don't wish to bring u trouble either. i'm just asking for answers and a voice to hear."

"i'm crying again and my stomach is in pain. i feel so bad that i'm actually thinkin of calling her or your house. the irony of things. when u're in pain, i'm to understand. now that i'm in pain, i'm to face it on my own. when u call, i must ans. when i call u, u can choose."

-----*-----


"Please don't cry. I'm not out last night. My relatives are around for gathering and mahjong session. U would think that i'm lying thats y i didnt bother to explain. But i won't be calling u. Just go and do you stuff, sms me and i will reply when i can. I will only call tomorrow night. About the question, think of how much fun we had together and u'll know."


-----*-----

If love is so painful, then I don't wish to have loved.

hearts 17:53:00
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I know whatever you say today will be pleasantries. I know when tomorrow comes, that's when the real pain begans. Have gotten used to this death to my heart every single weekend. Have gotten used to a silent phone that doesn't ring nor vibrates with a call or message from you.

26 days left. I literally feel my life seeping away as each day passes me by. I've minimal strength left to walk through the nights with you. I crack jokes as if I'm still normal yet I cry when I'm alone. This dependency is scaring me. Why am I dependent on the one guy that I can never be dependent on? Who might just drop me at the next stop and take some obscure bus out of my life?

This is getting crazy. I'm going crazy. I want you in my life but do you?

That's a question I constantly ask but you know what? I think I already know the answer.

It's she you want... not me.

26 days as the number drops.

hearts 02:27:00
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Friday, May 06, 2005

As I hear your snores echo through the living room, I'm wondering what is about you that attracted me to you.

  1. Smoked. Quit only cos of health condition.
  2. Speaks primarily in Mandarin and Hokkien.
  3. Snores.
  4. Enormous problem with your gastric system.
  5. Has a chequered background.
  6. Pock-marked face but still lovable.
  7. Protective nature over me.
Maybe opposite really attracts. You're lying half-naked beside me and snoring your way to lala land. Dreaming of her or me, I do not know. Yet, you look so much like an ordinary man that I could have learnt to love completely and entrusted my entire future into. How can a man who protects me so much, hurt me so much as well?

It's hard to ignore the fact that I'm a third party. It's harder to ignore that I've issued a deadline to a relationship that I've came to be a part of for the past 6 months. Mini get-aways that we've gone together just makes me feel as if I'm the only girl in your life but when I'm back in Singapore, I know that that's not true.

I guess I love you cos it hurts whenever a day passes me by and I know that time is ticking away to the day I've to leave you. I guess I love you cos I'm trying to be with you EVERY single moment now so that, maybe, I'll miss you a little lesser when you decide to return back into her arms. I guess I love you cos I'm still holding onto a tiny glimpse of hope that on 1st June 2005, you'll tell me that it's me you wanna be with and that you want me to meet your family.

These hopes and dreams I'm holding on will be the exact crushing force onto my broken heart and tormented soul if that day comes and go and you decides to be with her. Yet, I can't help but hold on to the very things that might cause me more pain.

You've given me much joy and much reasons to laugh, rejoice and smile. You've given me the chance to realise that it is possible to love again after a painful seperation from the man I thought I was gonna marry for sure. You've given me the chance to believe that I'm not as trashy as I thought myself to be. You taught me self-worth. You taught me self-love. You taught me about men in general but you never warned me about you.

And now, here I am, stuck in this tiny little room. The two doors are still shut. The keys are in your hands. Which will it be that you open? Will you walk through it with me? I wanna know.

27 days.

hearts 03:37:00
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MSN is giving me some crappy problems. Damn.

Priya is having her surgery on Saturday so ya, you guys know what to do.

He's sleeping beside me now whilst I'm typing this. Sometimes I really wonder whether he really loves me. Sometimes I feel that he do but sometimes, I feel that he doesn't. I'm confused by him. So confused. Less than a month to go and, well, I really don't know.

27 days to go....

hearts 03:15:00
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Wednesday, May 04, 2005

Priya had a freak accident but she's better now. Gonna have to have surgery though.

------

Yesterday, in the midst of it all, I blurted out my deepest and darkest concern. Have I scared you off? Were your replies for real? Or were they just to complete the deed?

This is getting me all confused.

hearts 17:49:00
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Tuesday, May 03, 2005

Those who still do not know, Priya is in hospital. People out there, whatever religion you are, please pray for her. She's in rather bad shape from an accident and is very emotional about the entire accident and the extent of her injuries.

Please, please pray fo her.

hearts 01:48:00
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Monday, May 02, 2005

You keep asking me to not make you worry. To be more understanding. To be less critical about things. To be more tactful.

But when I ask the same of you, you say that I'm being difficult.

You are in hospital whereas I've only just nearly fainted at work so how can I "win" you in sympathy votes.
I lost.

31 days and we're looking at split roads... why?

hearts 03:12:00
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