read jess's blog earlier and the topic of love came up.
it's not that i love buddy more than anyone else in my life or that everybody else loves him less. no, it's not that. it's just my form of expression. it's my way of showing that i still love him despite the distance and time.
i don't see a need to compete for his affection cos i know deep within him, he loves us all especially you. he loves you so much that he was planning his future for you. the past year that he was with you, i've never seen him so driven, so certain about wanting to create a better future for the both of you than any other person that he has been with. i got a little jealous when he came down to sydney but never popped by my place to say hi but when i asked him if he was happy during his trip and he said yes. i couldn't stay mad or jealous for my way of showing him that i love him is to see him happy.
so you see, i still cry cos he wasn't happy when he left. my heart is still broken cos i couldn't do anything to make him laugh or smile anymore. i'm just having a tougher time letting him go, that's all. i don't love him more than you. no. i just love him differently.
presenting the mambo laydees - moi, zhongying and ingrid.
and then we bumped into jeffrey and his friends.
the two photos were taken off zhongying's bloggie.
my hot mama with me.
jesper, ingrid, moi and some guy.
jeffrey and i.
jesper and i again.
me and ingrid
jesper's group of friends.
mambo night began at 2230hrs and ended at 0400hrs. 5.5 hours of solid clubbing and massive catching up with friends.
the boogie peeps were to begin with ingrid and zhongying. then ingrid's friend, royston came along with roger and gave ingrid and i a lift to zouk. along the way till 0400hrs, i bumped into jesper, jeffrey, chengxi and some other friends of the former two.
the guys were kind enough to buy me my poison that night despite having not seen them for months, even years. thanks guys.
ah. mambo night. my laydees. my bytches. i love you girls so much and i hope you girls had fun.
after meeting yunting and her boy for a brief mahjong session, i took a long cab ride down to choa chu kang columbarium.
my heart was so heavy as i walked down the lanes, in search of you. then i found you and the waterworks began. i stood there, in disbelief that i was still crying my heart out. i reached out to touch that photo of yours, hoping that in some warp sense it would feel like i was touching your face but it wasn't. it was cold.
i recounted my many stories over the past 4 months that i've been gone. i laughed. i cried. i smiled. i stared into space. i was alone in the conversation. i couldn't hear your voice anymore. i cried out to you for a comforting hug but... it never came. yet i knew you were there cos the rain started pouring as i broke down in front of you.
many a times, i stayed silence and just stared at you. i kept saying sorry, kept questioning you. i miss you. so much. i thought my heart can never be broken anymore cos it was never whole to start with but i was wrong. cos it broke again. into million pieces as i saw myself running once again at tampines and breaking down as they loaded your coffin.
I hope that the days come easy and the moments pass slow, And each road leads you where you want to go, And if you're faced with a choice, and you have to choose, I hope you choose the one that means the most to you. And if one door opens to another door closed, I hope you keep on walkin' till you find the window, If it's cold outside, show the world the warmth of your smile,
But more than anything, more than anything, My wish, for you, is that this life becomes all that you want it to, Your dreams stay big, and your worries stay small, You never need to carry more than you can hold, And while you're out there getting where you're getting to, I hope you know somebody loves you, and wants the same things too, Yeah, this, is my wish.
I hope you never look back, but ya never forget, All the ones who love you, in the place you left, I hope you always forgive, and you never regret, And you help somebody every chance you get, Oh, you find God's grace, in every mistake, And you always give more than you take.
But more than anything, yeah, and more than anything, My wish, for you, is that this life becomes all that you want it to, Your dreams stay big, and your worries stay small, You never need to carry more than you can hold, And while you're out there getting where you're getting to, I hope you know somebody loves you, and wants the same things too, Yeah, this, is my wish.
This is my wish I hope you know somebody loves you May all your dreams stay big -----*-----
another 5 more days to 5 months. nearly cried at the cafe today as i spoke about you. i'm still angry. still upset. still wondering.
if you're out there somewhere tonight, will you come see me in my dreams?
3 more days to sunny island. 4 more days to my date with bud at CCK columbarium. 4 more days to boogie night at zouk. 7 more days to chilling at ECP. 12 more days to mani/pedi session with miss pinky and bz. 14 more days to mabes' wedding.
the day started simply. a walk down george street to discount car rental and we collected the rented toyota camry. designated driver nick did a final inspection and soon, we went forth to pick up our other two partners in crime - tina and matt.
along the way, we cursed, we sang and we laughed. the trip has just begin and in two hours' time, we were gonna be blown away by nature in the most beautiful fashion - hunter valley.
my second trip there in this year alone and still, this place amazes me constantly. the serenity and tranquility that the place exudes. i can never get enough of it. soaking up the fresh air, with the rare pollution of smoke from various sources, was enough to revitalize my soul from the stressed out city life.
our first pit-stop as we made our way down to be with Mother nature.
the two girls. the two seasoned hunter valley peeps. we just love the vineyards.
the cast of hunter valley season 2 of 2006.
hunter valley gardens: 125 varieties of roses. beautiful lake. it only lacks one thing. a beautiful sunset.
this is, to me, the most ideal spot to be unified in God's presence. for the view is just pure heaven.
hunter valley once again and this time to me most beloved tempus two for the best wine-tasting ever. spending more than AUD100 just on wine alone. pure heaven. :)
uncle matty having the time of his life. wine. girls. what else can he ask for? heh.
tyrell's winery. under the big big tree, the two whites took their shot.
next up, pepper tree wines which has a lovely walkway. sigh. the tranquility that hunter valley brings is just surreal.
pepper the whites in the color of the earth.
the cast before the finale. one last shot.
we then decided to take a slow drive down to the lake and marvel at the beautiful creation of the Lord.
my first model of the day - seagull #1.
and here, seagull #2 shows its emotions through the gaze into the distant.
seagull #3, it's time to take flight.
before my final goodbye to Mother nature, lazy takes the centre stage.
ps. photos of actual human beings are from nick. the nature was my only captured interest.
i was reading my philosophy notes when i thought heck it, i'll read through my old emails again. read my last email from buddy and caught a phrase he typed in caps. lol.
one great advice.no ORDER.. its an ORDER. NEVER ALLOW A SINGLE GUY TO FOLLOW INTO UR ROOM,STAIRS,LIFT or any CONFINED SPACE. NEVER! u haf to listen to tis man.. yeah.. u haf to k. -- herng jye (19th march 2006)
still feel as if he's still around me. making sure that no guy can come into my room. a friend of mine was talking about kidnapping me earlier in jest and i thought of buddy. hah. sigh.
missing you bud.
whilst brushing my teeth, i saw a moth resting on my shower door. the chinese say that the spirits come back as moths to visit. i truly believe it's buddy. and buddy, if you can hear me, i love you.
this decision was hard to make but i had to. the guilt, the pain, the shame, the tears, i have had enough of them and more. so forgive me now for the heartless call i made.
the past 4 months have been especially hard for me, but you only saw your needs, your wants, your desires. you told me how you felt so lost when i spoke to you after, but did you realise how lost i've been for so long?
a decision had to be made and the chapter closed. i thank you for being a part of my life, in so many beautiful and bittersweet ways. and still, you're a friend whom i'll cherish.
A total multi-tasker, you have a wide variety of talents. You're very versatile and able to change at a drop of a hat. A free spirit, you crave change and adventure.
Clever and quick witted, you can convince anyone of anything. You can do anything you desire... though this sometimes gets you in trouble! Very popular, you're always thinking up new ways to entertain and amuse your friends.
Your restless and impatient attitude means you don't stay with projects for long. You tend to be erratic and scattered - it's hard for you to focus. You often find yourself in a state of flux with constantly changing interests.
went for k yesterday and i sang the song - zhu wo sheng ri kuai le (wish me a happy birthday). i remembered how carol was fighting back her tears as she sang that song at my farewell drinking session at a ktv pub along boat quay. this time round, i was the one fighting back tears.
sometimes, i wonder if this wound will ever heal. sometimes, i wonder if the tears will ever stop flowing. sometimes, i wonder if i will ever smile again without a sense of irony.
it's still so hard for me to believe that our year, our 21st and you ain't here to buy me the beautiful cheesecake, sing me my favorite songs and giving me your love and presence as my most treasured gifts. and this year, i can't believe that i will no longer have to search high and low for the perfect present for you, that i can no longer wait up till midnight just to be the first to greet you a happy birthday.
but i'm still gonna do it. even if i've to spend my entire savings away, i wanna find you the perfect present. even if i've to wait an entire lifetime, i wanna wait up till the day i can finally see you and say, "happy 21st buddy. happy 21st."
last night as i laid in bed, awake and feeling vulnerable to the world. feeling the sense of damnation, a phrase from the bible kept poppin'
Now early in the morning He came again into the temple, and all the people came to Him; and He sat down and taught them. Then the scribes and Pharisees brought to Him a woman caught in adultery. And when they had set her in the midst, they said to Him, "Teacher, this woman was caught in adultery, in the very act. Now Moses, in the law, commanded us that such should be stoned. But what do You say?" This they said, testing Him, that they might have something of which to accuse Him. But Jesus stooped down and wrote on the ground with His finger, as though He did not hear.
So when they continued asking Him, He raised Himself up and said to them, "He who is without sin among you, let him throw a stone at her first." And again He stooped down and wrote on the ground. Then those who heard it, being convicted by their conscience, went out one by one, beginning with the oldest even to the last. And Jesus was left alone, and the woman standing in the midst. When Jesus had raised Himself up and saw no one but the woman, He said to her, "Woman, where are those accusers of yours? Has no one condemned you?"
She said, "No one, Lord."
And Jesus said to her, "Neither do I condemn you; go and sin no more."
Then Jesus spoke to them again, saying, "I am the light of the world. He who follows Me shall not walk in darkness, but have the light of life."
-- John 8:2-12 (NKJV)
and so i lay in bed, with praises unto the Lord. for seeing me despite the wretchedness in my heart. for loving me all the same. for being my one true Love.
she could feel his eyes imploring into the depths of her soul. she could feel him condemning her every actions and words. she could just hear him say that this girl is a piece of dirt. she could just feel all the negativity coming out from that small chat window. she can hear the sounds of the devils' horn, the banishment from God, the refusal to acknowledge this soul... she felt truly alone.
she laid in bed, tossing and turning. throbbing pain hits her in waves after waves, relentlessly. why does she care so much about what these individuals think? why does she even bother to try and explain her every actions? she saw the wake once again. the procession before his coffin was loaded. she saw herself crying in the sideline as she tried to grasp hold of the truth. she fought with herself to not condemn his girl. she fought with her heart to not feel anger. she fought against them all, only to see herself losing to them in yet another battlefront.
she tried to explain, tried to make them understand, tried to make them realise that this dirty, old rag, once washed, can be a beautifully embroidered cloth. but the world doesn't care. the world doesn't give second chances. the world only sees the darkness in her and places her in the light of condemnation.
she was damned. she was never to be seen. she was never to be loved, for the world doesn't care for a soul that they deemed unfit.
today, little miss morbid came out for a brief moment to soak in the gray skies and cold air. she started questioning me, "have you ever thought what would it be like if you were to be ran over by a car at this very moment?"
then i saw cars whizzing past me and i stopped in my tracks.
i answered her with my thoughts, "i don't know."
little miss morbid: "what will your last words be? will it be i'm sorry for leaving so early? will it be your last "i love you" to someone you really wanna say it to? what will it be?"
as if my thoughts were a broken track, i replied, "i don't know."
omg. i just found the latest 2 videos of damien leith's performance in sunday's audience choice. you guys HAVE to watch it. i nearly died listening to him. it was so beautiful. if i died at that moment, i would have died with a smile on my face and tears in my eyes.
don mclean's crying. damien made me cry cos his voice was so beautiful and the words - beautiful.
hallelujah for the birth of damien. praise be to the Lord for such a beautiful voice.
i've included in a pause button for my player, temporarily cos i just found videos of my lovely damien leith and i wanna share it with everyone. his voice is completely surreal and i always felt as if i'm living in a fantasy when i hear him sing on idol.
his version of chris isaak's wicked game,
his original song - sky,
his take on radiohead's creep,
you're so beautiful, o yes he is, damien is so beautiful,
irish man crooning U2's with or without you,
another take on another irish bloke - ronan keating's if tomorrow never comes,
message to my girl,
high and dry,
i'm actually looking for his latest bests - hallelujah and crying. i've never seen such an amazing singer in my life. he melts my heart with his voice. once i find the vids for those two performances, it'll be up here. i swear.
i just wanna say thanks to a few people out there for being there, for responding, for listening and for offering their help due to this morning's attempted break-in.
to nick and junior, thanks for coming all the way down to our place at 4am despite the rain and cold and staying with us. have no idea what it would have been like if it was just dav and i. just can't imagine. thanks alot. really appreciate it. love you guys. :)
to mum, thanks for picking up my call at 2+am in singapore despite you having a flight in 5 hours' time. love you mum. :)
to charles, thanks for just being on the phone with dav and calming her down.
to yusuf, thanks for just being there over skype this morning. :)
to matt, thanks for offering to dav the option of moving in with you guys temporarily. thanks uncle matty. really appreciate it. :)
to beizhen, jim, bernard, carol, woof, ollie, tina, zhiyang, farrah, jasper and seb, thanks for all of your concern. really appreciate it. :)
to buddy, thanks for just watching out for me and giving me the push to get out of the house that night. i couldn't have imagined what would have happened if i was home alone. though you're not around, you're still here - watching out for me. thanks bud. thank you. i love you.
to God, bud prompted me to go to church that night to look for dav and it must have been You protecting me as well. thank You, Daddy. thank You. i love you.
so thanks alot everyone. i really appreciate it. love you guys. could never have imagined what the two of us would have been like if not for all of ya care and concern. we are so blessed to have friends like you peeps. lotsa love. :)
whilst reading through, i realised i'm not compatible to leos or saggitarius but most of my relationships were with either one, with a couple of rare exceptions. then i went to check out my parents' love compatibility and i can finally say this - horoscopes are really quite bullshit. :p
last night, the words of dav's friend popped into my head about a pakistani friend of his. i was telling him that his friend is still young. and he replied by saying, "he's richer than the older peeps out there" or something to that effect. and i started thinking about what he said.
i don't need a guy who is financially wealthy as long as he is rich in love, care and wisdom.
i don't need a guy who drives a fancy sports car as long as he is willing to take the long bus rides with me.
i don't need a guy who is willing to be with me 24/7 as long as he longs to hear my voice just before he sleeps.
i don't need a guy who has a well-paid job as long as he is diligent and passionate about his work.
i don't need a guy who is well-educated as long as he is willing to learn from the various lessons life throws at him.
i don't need a guy who understands me completely as long as he accepts me for who i am and loves me all the same.
i don't need a guy who is perfect in sex-skills or has the biggest dick as long as he enjoys the romantic moments of love-making.
i don't need a guy who says "i love you" every day as long as he shows it through his every actions, at times peppered with the occasional "i love you".
so really, i don't need a perfect guy with the perfect job or education as long as he loves me and i love him in return.
today's a beautiful day, bud. the sun is up and the sky is so clear and blue. it's so beautiful.
i saw the flowers bloom today, bud. they're blooming for you, just for you. see what you're missing? :) a year more and you would have been here with me, seeing the clear blue sky and enjoying ourselves soaking in the sun rays. but you couldn't wait, could you?
i lit a ciggie for you this morning, at around the time you passed away. at times, i thought i saw it being smoked. at times, it just stayed there, stagnant. you weren't there, were you? or were you too busy running around to check up on all of us, making stops at various places just to make sure we're all alright? i was questioning you as i watched the ciggie burn on. i felt so lonely. i felt so alone. i started tearing once more. then i felt a cold gush of wind blow me by and i thought i felt your presence. were you there bud? were you there?
i truly wonder when will my tears stop flowing for you. i truly wonder.
the sun is shining, bud. the flowers are blooming. the sky is clear and blue. there's not a single cloud in sight. do you see, bud, do you see? the beauty that eludes being shared by the both of us.
exactly 4months ago, at this time back in singapore, i had my last conversation with you. exactly 4months ago, at this time back in singapore, you said you will call me when you wake up but you never did. i remember how ignorant i was, still calling you at 2230hrs to find out why you haven't called to meet me. i remember how less than 10 minutes later, i was crying and running around like some lunatic. i remember. i do.
i'm going home soon but you won't be there, or will you? today was a beautiful day. the sun was up, the sky was blue, the flowers are blooming - the beauty of spring was up for you to see. did you see? 4months, buddy, 4 months have crept so slowly by. yet it seems like yesterday that i was still talking to you on MSN and asking you to take care of that stomach of yours.
i took you for granted. that i know and it breaks my heart each time i think of the times we had together. i placed your photo up onto my wall with the note you gave me on my 18th birthday. do you still remember those words? do you still remember how much you said you will be here for me despite the time and distance? do you remember?
i do. i really do. i really wish that i could turn back time and tell you how much i love you. i really wish that i could turn back time and run from bedok to marine parade and stop you from committing the deed. i wish. i really wish.
i'm still in shock that the buddy, who told me to never take my life when i was so tempted to, is dead cos of suicide. what happen to "live for tomorrow"? what happen to all those words you once said to me, to encourage me to live on for tomorrow? what happened? did you forget them? why? why did you do it when you know it will break my heart so? why?
i constantly question myself on it. trying to understand. trying to accept. trying to reason out all the possible answers. trying, trying to let go. it's so hard. do you regret what you've done? do you? you visited me twice in my dreams but you never once said sorry. does that mean that you really thought that that was the best option available for you?
sorry. i'm really sorry. i still cannot reconcile the buddy i once knew, who encouraged me, who pushed me to reach for better things is the one in ashes contained in nothing but a ceramic urn. i can't. i just can't.
we were supposed to be buddies for life. remember how we dismissed the talk of getting together cos our friendship was too precious? remember how we dismissed so many things so that our friendship will forever be so sacred and precious? do you remember?! do you?!
i want so much to yell at you now, to wake you from your slumber, to see you stand before me and say, "hey, it's all a nightmare. wake up bud, wake up".
tell me, tell me how am i supposed to stop my tears from flowing? tel me, tell me how am i supposed to never feel this pain again? tell me, tell me!
i miss you so much, so much.
you didn't remember. if you did, you would still be here. you didn't remember...