walking contradiction

25 years old.
a girl of irony.
studying in university of new south wales - ba/llb.
living and let live.
truly blessed by His and his love.

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Thursday, August 31, 2006

today's a beautiful day.
the sun is shining brightly.
the wind is nice and cool.

i love today but it's tainted by the fact that there were a couple of people i thought would have wished me a happy birthday but failed to do so. and of course, buddy didn't visit last night.

hearts 16:13:00
0 spoken words


happy 21st. to me.

and of course, to ben as well.
thanks for the email!
and no, i'm not older than you just cos i'm in sydney. :p

i wished you guys were here with me, but i guess a wish is just a wish.

hearts 00:30:00
0 spoken words

Tuesday, August 29, 2006

i got my Ls today.
gonna go find an instructor to teach me proper.
just hope my fears of crashing won't hinder me.

bud, i'm finally doing what you've been urging me to do. :)

hearts 22:27:00
0 spoken words


am actually quite disturbed by this whole revelations of lies i've been surrounded in. am actually wondering if i'm living a life of lies or a life of truths. sometimes, i really wonder if we're able to truly know a person, at least enough? i've known him for almost 7 years now and all along i thought i knew this man. then i realise i only knew his facade.

it's really quite scary after the whole revelation. the truth behind the ring. the truth behind everything. then i saw the pattern in it all and it started to scare me a little. maybe it's me and not him. i remember mabes telling me how she feels i'm not "wife" material cos i'm always acting like i'm very available but i refuse to let anyone into my heart. she's not the first person to have said that about me. i even spoke to gary about it and wondered out loud if i've ever truly let anyone else into my heart besides buddy and mervin.

then again, i started wondering, have i even truly let them into my heart? i feel like i'm this clown with a face for every situation. i used to love telling everybody that life's the stage and we're all the most talented bunch of performers chosen to entertain in this enormous stage for the Almighty. now i'm wondering am i truly just a performer, through and through? i used to tell buddy my daily woes, then when i realised how much he's handling on his own, i started to cut down on it and began handling them myself. but have i truly handled them?

all of a sudden, i feel like i've no personality, no character and sadly, i've no identity. who am i? i questioned myself constantly since last night's bust-up. i cried for the loss of the man i thought i knew. i cried for the loss of me. all of a sudden, i don't seem to know myself truly. i'm turning 21 in a matter of 2 days and here i am sitting in front of my laptop, my sweater pulled over my knees, my fingers frantically typing into this little confined area of blogger and letting the world know the demise of me as a person.

priya's words came into my mind. she said that my life is never short of drama. i'm always wrapped up in some controversy, some piece of action that you thought you will only see in the colored tv box and i never seem to ran short of it. i tracked back my life and wonder where it all began. this love-hate affair i have with drama. i did my first stage acting when i was 6 as the big bad wolf in a chinese production for my kindergarten but it was truly after i left for secondary school that the action truly began.

some of my friends said to me, "oh gosh! i wish i had your life. it seems so much more interesting than the mundane shit i go through every day." i looked at them and i looked away, laughing cynically at their ironic comments. this supposed interesting life is mundane shit for me. i really don't need all of this drama, thank you. all i really want is a simple life.

oh, i would give anything to have someone to go home to, to go to bed with, to do my daily affairs with and to love and be loved. then again, i thought to myself, would i truly be satisfied with such a lifestyle? i've been so addicted to this destructive way of life and the constant thought of death's greeting has became my energy to march on through. like my sister and what most have observed about me, i'm just not the kinda "wife" material, or am i truly not? it's hard to tell, isn't it? even gary had a hard time answering that.

i'm young. i can continue playing but an age is just a number. my heart's old and it yearns for some warmth after the many years of bitter cold it has been subjected to. the once innocent and blood-pumping heart seems to be nothing more than a gray piece of rock resting on the left side of my body. cynicsm keeps it pumping, not the red hot blood that it used to be so well-lubricated with. is there truly a special someone for everyone, i wonder? cos this heart can't hold up much longer. before cynicism turns it into a fossil, love, true love is truly needed to keep it real.

hearts 00:28:00
0 spoken words

Monday, August 28, 2006

i can still handle it.
the hurt, the pain,
i can still handle them.

just a little more painful,
just a little more difficult,
just a little more tears.

but i can do it,
i still can handle it,
don't worry just yet.

hearts 03:44:00
0 spoken words

Sunday, August 27, 2006

sometimes i wonder if in life, you can ever make wrong choices.

then again, some times i wonder how can we be certain we made the right choices? could we have made the wrong choices only to make up for it by making yet another choice?

if i had the choice, there would be no choice.
then again, that would have been a choice, won't it?

hearts 23:50:00
0 spoken words

Friday, August 25, 2006

after a month of deliberation, i have finally decided to just do it. i finally set herng jye's friendster profile up.

those who wanna add him, his email is herngjye@gmail.com

hearts 02:24:00
0 spoken words

Thursday, August 24, 2006

read on carol's blog earlier on about how she dialled buddy's number and it got through. i tried to place myself in that situation. i'll probably freak my brains out but would also probably wonder if he'll be the one picking up. it will be damn interesting. first of all, cos then i'll be damn happy cos it means he's alive or at least contactable. secondly, it means i can fucking scold him anytime i want now. :x

i'm going mad.

on a serious note, i got myself an external hard drive today after witnessing my lappie going cranky a couple of times. i just had to back up all my stuff, especially those emails and photos from buddy. they super duper precious now man. a relic! i think the lack of sleep has positively destroyed my brain and i'm typing gibberish.

missing you bud.

hearts 01:30:00
0 spoken words

Monday, August 21, 2006

i'm completely and utterly naked.
i'm lying vulnerably on the floor,
defenceless to the world's battering.
wounds, scars are worn on this flesh.

my eyes lay open in the darkness.
my eyes witnessed the torture,
the unrelenting strokes that came.
screams were now feeble protest.

my ears could hear the dripping tap.
my ears could hear the beast breathe,
his heavy breath echoed the enclosed.
bloody stench reminded me i'm alive.

hearts 23:15:00
0 spoken words

Sunday, August 20, 2006

Psalms 88


O LORD, God of my salvation,
I have cried out to you day and night.

Now hear my prayer;
listen to my cry.

For my life is full of troubles,
and death draws near.

I have been dismissed as one who is dead,
like a strong man with no strength left.

They have abandoned me to death,
and I am as good as dead.
I am forgotten,
cut off from your care.

You have thrust me down to the lowest pit,
into the darkest depths.

Your anger lies heavy on me;
wave after wave engulfs me.

Interlude

You have caused my friends to loathe me;
you have sent them all away.
I am in a trap with no way of escape.

My eyes are blinded by my tears.
Each day I beg for your help, O LORD;
I lift my pleading hands to you for mercy.

Of what use to the dead are your miracles?
Do the dead get up and praise you?

Interlude

Can those in the grave declare your unfailing love?
In the place of destruction, can they proclaim your faithfulness?

Can the darkness speak of your miracles?
Can anyone in the land of forgetfulness talk about your righteousness?

O LORD, I cry out to you.
I will keep on pleading day by day.

O LORD, why do you reject me?
Why do you turn your face away from me?

I have been sickly and close to death since my youth.
I stand helpless and desperate before your terrors.

Your fierce anger has overwhelmed me.
Your terrors have cut me off.

They swirl around me like floodwaters all day long.
They have encircled me completely.

You have taken away my companions and loved ones;
only darkness remains.

hearts 01:15:00
0 spoken words

Saturday, August 19, 2006

buddy,

today marks 49 days since you left. everybody marked this date off on their calendar cos i was told today is supposedly the last day you'll be coming back to visit us. it's supposed to be a really important and big day for you.

it seems like yesterday i was at george street with you and you introduced me to her. i wished so much now that i had stopped you from going out with her. i wished so much i pulled the plug when i could before it was all too late. but it is too late now.

i'm sorry for crying so often as i struggle to accept reality that you've gone. i miss you so much every single day. i still can't believe that it has been 49 days since you've gone away. i still can't believe that you're gone. things around me just keep reminding me of you.

everybody keeps telling me to move on and be happy. i really don't know how to. you were the one who always wiped away my tears and made me laugh. in 13 days time, it'll be my 21st. you promised to celebrate it for me to make up for last year. but you're not gonna be here...

why? i constantly ask myself. why did you do this? didn't you realise how many broken hearts you'll be leaving behind? i can't forgive her. i can never forgive her. how do i forgive the person who indirectly cause the death of my bestest friend? i don't know how. why? you always said that this was a cowardice act so why? why did you do it? why...

i miss you so much.
i love you buddy, forever.

hearts 01:48:00
0 spoken words

Friday, August 18, 2006

birthdays. 21st birthday.

so many people are celebrating their 21st or birthdays in this month. it's insane. of course, i'm part of the august crowd being born on the last day of the month. priya was asking me how am i gonna celebrate my 21st but seriously, what's there to celebrate?

since i was 18, i began planning my own birthday celebrations. every year, herng jye will be there. he was supposed to come for my 20th last year but cos of HER, he couldn't. still, he brought me to secret recipe for my favorite cheesecake. i remember how he kept saying sorry and promised he'll be here for my next birthday. but he's not here anymore.

i seriously have no desire to celebrate this dreaded day now. people asking me what do i want for my birthday and i just smile and replied i don't know. why? cos it's impossible that anyone can give me what i want for my birthday. i only want my buddy. i was looking forward to my 21st. was wondering what kinda celebration should i have? should i have a house party? should i go out to a club with my friends? then 1st july 2006 came and all these just didn't seem to matter anymore. what's the point? really. what's the point? what's the point of celebrating this day when the one thing i want is not gonna happen?

there's no point in celebrating something just for the sake of it. there's nothing special to that date anymore. the person born on that day, no longer recalls the joy of life.

hearts 23:30:00
0 spoken words


in less than 3 hours time, it'll be 49 days since you left.
everybody is gearing up for this moment for you.

i'll put away my bible
cos my mum says it might be preventing you from visiting me.

i'll look up in heaven and utter a silent prayer
cos that's all i have left to do for you.

i'll lay in bed hugging blues
cos that's the only thing that'll comfort me through the night.

i'll do all these for you.
so please, buddy, visit me once more
cos i miss you so.

hearts 01:05:00
0 spoken words

Tuesday, August 15, 2006

was reading bernard william's article on personal identity. the main point of his essay was basically to illustrate that if person A and person B were to undergo a brain/mind switch with each other, person-A-body will be B and person-B-body will be A. this simple sentence started an entire brainflow of thoughts.

starting to wonder, what if JUST before bud was embalmed and sealed in the coffin, what if we performed a brain/mind switch? would he still be alive at this very present moment? would his thoughts/emotions be as it was when he was in his first body? will that mean, if the procedure is done, i've never really lost my buddy but i've just lost the very shell his mind was entrapped in?

think i'm gonna dwell on this a little further. since, this is my assignment topic and i think i'm beginning to see the failings of this argument yet what a wonderful argument it would have been if only in practice, it could be done. then maybe, buddy, you'll still be here - somehow.

hearts 02:50:00
0 spoken words

Saturday, August 12, 2006

i'm here for you, you hear?
message me, call me, anything.
just don't isolate yourself.
i'm here for you... -hugs-

hearts 16:24:00
0 spoken words

Friday, August 11, 2006

as i awaited for my bus to arrive at my uni's bus stop, a van carrying the coffin of another passed me by. my heart stopped. i hold my breath. i started fighting back tears. it was all too familiar. all too familiar.

my mind wandered back to 4th july 2006. i remember how i completely shattered and broke down in public as i saw them load your coffin into the van. i remembered how i tried so hard to hold my voice, only to find myself struggling to not scream for you. as much as i couldn't believe how you've left me, i couldn't believe how much i still don't believe that you're truly gone.

begin speaking to your brother about you. how we begin the whole reminiscence by posting different pictures of you up onto on msn. then we begin to break down. spoke of how we never treasured you. how we took you for granted. how we miss you so much every single day. i'm still struggling. really struggling. i feel as if my entire heart has been injected with an enormous amount of depressant and i can never get out of it. my world seems to be painted blue as i faced issues after issues, without a breather.

you were the rock i sought. you were the pillar i leaned on when i cried. you were the one who saw me through it all. but i did nothing. i was nothing. i'm sorry. i really am. i failed you so badly. i miss you buddy. i miss you so much that it hurts so badly. i love you. please be happy now.

hearts 00:39:00
0 spoken words

Wednesday, August 09, 2006

broke down yesterday. after playing maplestory till 5am, i finally broke down. i really wanted desperately to just fall asleep when the image of his coffin going into the incinerator just kept flooding through my mind. i cracked. my voice cracked. i started my silent scream as i laid on my bed in a shrimp-like manner.

"it's not you! tell me it's not you!"
"it can't be true! buddy, come out now!"

my tears kept on falling as i continued my slient scream. reached for my phone, wanting to call his number but i stopped myself. reality check. he's not going to pick up. then i saw the image of the columbarium and where he's placed. i saw his face. my thoughts swarmed back to the wake. i saw myself staring hard at the coffin, fighting back my tears as i said my final farewell.

"why? buddy. why?"
"i hate her! i hate that bitch! i hate her!"

i was swamped with anger and bitterness. i laid awake in my bed. i began to play the mental video of our friendship that i had recorded and kept safe in my memories. i could still hear your voice so distinctively. then our last conversation on msn came up in last minutes of that video. you said you were going to sleep. you said you were gonna call me when you wake up.

"call me now! CALL ME!"
"stop sleeping! it's time to wake up!!!"

i'm cracking. i am really cracking. how long more can i take all of these? i don't know. i really don't know. the only thing i know now is - i'm breaking apart.

hearts 00:42:00
0 spoken words

Tuesday, August 08, 2006

got myself a new alarm clock the other day cos i couldn't see the time on my old one. it's not that it's not working. it is! but somehow, i can't see it. i must tilt it at some obscure angle before i can read some decent numbers. this new alarm clock scares the shit out of me every morning cos it's a radio alarm. i'll wake up to some weird ass song or advertisement and wonder who the hell is it. so yes, it's effective... for now.

buddy's soft toy to me also finally has a name of it's own! it's called blues. the name has a lot of meanings to it. physically, it has a blue ribbon tied around it's neck but on another level, it's also because it's my favorite color since young. of course, there's also the other definition of blues, which is depress, and it's an emotion, or a mental condition, i most identify with. so yes, blues is my baby's new name.

been thinking alot about life and death lately. i think it's really shallow for people who says i should be happy, etc. they don't feel the hurt and pain that i go through every single day and night. it gets worse in the night, closing in at 1am singapore's time. i will hug blues really close as my thoughts wander to him, wondering if he's doing fine; if he's having fun. without a doubt, my mind will also start generating thoughts trying to figure out why he chose that path in life. though he asked me not to pursue the matter, it's really difficult for me to close this chapter without an answer. i have an inquisitive mind. when i bogged by a question, i will be stuck on it till i finally get an affirmative answer. kinda stubborn, i know.

i wonder if life is really that worth celebrating. in 23 days' time, it's my 21st. i hardly even have any desires to celebrate this supposedly important year marked by so many others as THE YEAR into adulthood. it seems i was shoved into adulthood when buddy left. all my dreams, my desires, my goals, etc. suddenly seem so trivial. no, i'm not gonna abandon my studies. yet, i feel an emptiness within me welling up. i seem to be going through life without any inkling as to what the future holds anymore. i can only see myself graduating, pass my bar exam and hopefully, work in a respectable law firm as a barrister. from there, hopefully, i'll be able to have enough to help support my siblings through their tertiary lives. however, other than that, i really can't see much of a future anymore.

things are as uncertain with mervin. i don't know what's going on; what's happening. i'm like a puppy in a pet shop that yearns for this owner to take me in yet at that same time, i'm up for the other customers to come and grab me away from this owner. do we really only learn how much we love/need a person when we lose them? why do we have to go through this same old silly mistake over and over again? why can't we just realise that we just need to be a little more certain, a little more willing, a little more... to not make that silly mistake.

if death was to greet me now, i asked myself, what will be my biggest regret? it will probably be my lack of courage to tell mervin how i feel deep inside and compel him to give me a status. life. death. it's not all that great, is it? just a transition that we all have to go through. when death is beckoning me, i wish and i pray that my biggest regret will be no more.

hearts 01:37:00
0 spoken words

Sunday, August 06, 2006

was speaking to seb last night about his gramps and it kinda brought back loads of memories of my granny.

my grandma had a stroke caused by blood clot/burst blood vessel (can't recall) and subsequently passed when i was 10. nobody really knew how big an impact it was for me, especially when i dreamt of her leaving with some shadowy man and i kept screaming to her not to go, only to be awaken by a call to inform of her passing.

am i close to her? i would love to think so as i almost practically spend most of the 10 years of my life with her and grandpa in the picture. i hated my cousin when she passed cos she had a heart attack whilst taking care of him, then in his infancy. doctors have already told her to take it easy but no, the ever so gusto grandma refused to back down and this brought her demise. i blamed my infant cousin on her death and wanted to steer clear of that family but as i grew up, i realised it's not their fault, though i'm still feeling the anger at times.

my grandpa was not the same anymore as well. in his depressive state of mind, he had a stroke not long after. old age and depression got the better of him as he morphed from a big sturdy man to a crippling old man. 10 years after my grandma's death, his soul finally left for a better place where i know she's there waiting for him.

i still cry for her at times before i go to bed. i still wish she's here to cook my favorite dishes. i still recall fondly of those days when we literally have no way of verbal communication as i barely understood hainanese. as i spend the remaining 2 years at our old place, i recalled climbing into her bed to take a nap before being rushed for my school bus.

so seb, i know it's gonna be difficult especially since in less than 6 months, you're hit with another solemn news. your friends are all around you, ready to support you when you need us. i have no words of consolation cos nothing i say will ease that feeling away. this is all part of growing up and hey, i'm still here and your other friends are still here. :)

hearts 13:53:00
0 spoken words


today, i went for drinks with my friends.

lit a ciggie for you, buddy.
don't know if it's you but something was smoking it.

i hope it's you.
it made me happy the rest of the night.

hearts 02:52:00
0 spoken words

Saturday, August 05, 2006

today, i listened to the disc you gave me for my 18th birthday.

today, the tears threatened to flow as the red wine cruises down my throat. my heart was slowing in its beats as i stared into the dark night sky, wondering how you are right now.

today, i spoke of the pact we made when i was 18. i looked away as i spoke out loud my thoughts - how am i to go on when 24 nears.

i miss you buddy.
i read the card you gave me along with the disc once more.

you said you'll be here, there, everywhere. yes, you are.

you are everywhere now.
but i just wish you were here with me right now,
telling me to stop my tears.

i love you buddy.

hearts 00:42:00
0 spoken words

Wednesday, August 02, 2006

i forgot to mention that i completely fell in love with the stella mcCartney range in adidas. but they are like so over-priced.

i so love her stuff. in love with her perfume - stella. now i'm completely in love with her clothes.

hearts 23:36:00
0 spoken words


just as i thought everything is finally turning for the better,

the cherry on top of this ice-cream of disaster came.

you kissed another girl when you're drunk.

i don't know why i'm jealous.

i shouldn't be.

but i am.

sorry.

hearts 01:57:00
0 spoken words

Tuesday, August 01, 2006

bud,

today marks one month since your passing. to mark it, i've also changed the song in my blog. the very words sung by mariah carey is what i want you to hear. i know you'll always be around and i want you to know no matter what happens in my life, i'll hold on to our memories. i'll never let you go.

you were one of the most important people in my life. you shared my joy. you shared my tears. i remember how you once told me that i can never shed my tears in front of any guy except you. i broke that rule only twice since. i'm also trying my very best to keep to my final promise to you - to not shed my tears again. i know i've broken it many times since. -laughs- but i am trying.

that morning, when you came to see me, i was really happy the whole day. yet deep inside, i wished so badly that's not the only way i've left to see you. i wanted to see you happy. i wanted to see you walk down the aisle with the woman you love. i wanted to see what beautiful children you'll have. i wanted you to see me, finally happy, with the man i love. i wanted you to see my children and be their godfather.

i miss you so much. 1 month ago, i was still talking to you on MSN. 1 month later, i'm alone here, typing a one-sided note. my heart is still in pain. my tears are still forcing their way through. so many times, i wanted to reach for the phone to call you but i know i can't. i remember how i once told you that i'm so worried i've no one to talk to when i'm overseas and you said to me, "i'm always here. just call me."

"bestest pals 4-eva!" that's what you wrote in my 18th birthday present. yes, my dear, yes. you were and always will be my bestest pal in this lifetime.

i'll never let you out of my heart, buddy, never.

hearts 15:41:00
0 spoken words


above all that i've said to you,
i wanna say one more time,

i love you.
wait for me, please.

hearts 04:01:00
0 spoken words


i got the answer.
i'm sorry for being a pest.

it's time for me to move on.

no matter how much i wanna wait,
i know it takes two hands to clap.
and i got my answer tonight.

thanks.

hearts 01:13:00
0 spoken words