walking contradiction

25 years old.
a girl of irony.
studying in university of new south wales - ba/llb.
living and let live.
truly blessed by His and his love.

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time constrained


another dimension



partners in crime
benje. carol. crystal. daniel ho. davina. doreen. evelyn. ingrid. iniQx. jac. jess. julian. karen. kimberly. leon. li en. mabel. melissa. nick. shirley. stefan. xiaowei. yee huat. yusuf. zhong ying.


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. feelings and thoughts .

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Saturday, May 27, 2006


silly dav, ollie and laurence got me hushies (yes, i've decided to name it - hushies :p) as a farewell gift. from sydney with love. :)
-----*-----

to my roomie dav, i'm sorry to leave you behind for two months. i'm so gonna miss ya and ya cooking!!

to my roomie's boy laurence, please try and stay who you are although it can be rather irritating. lol. thanks for everything!

to ollie, thanks for everything girl and just being you. your child-like attitude is a quality i truly admire. :)

to the rest of my cell group + justin, zhiyuan, edwin and raymond, thanks for coming and injecting so much laughter into my life especially to reuben and justin, both of you should consider doing stand up comedies together.

to stephanie, thanks for coming down and staying through. really thanks alot for just being there.

to aunt audrey, thanks for everything. from bunking at your place to the daily stuff, darn, what would i do without you?! thanks!!

my sydney peeps.
without you all,
i'll be a lost sheep.
without your love,
i'll still be drowning
in nothing but tears.
thank you.

hearts 02:01:00
0 spoken words

Wednesday, May 24, 2006

after my self-pitying entry yesterday, my mum dropped me a text on my mobile. she must have read my blog again.

anyway, this is what she sent me and i found it rather amusing as the story was actually used to talk about greed more than letting go. :p

"the monkey's hand got in a bottle while trying to grab food from inside the bottle. it couldn't get free because it didn't want to let go of the food it had grabbed. do you want to be the monkey? the only person who can set you free is yourself."
and to you mum, thanks for reading and dropping that sweet note. i do know that my only barrier is myself but right now, i can't see past this barrier yet. till then, i shall indulge in this disgusting fashion. :)



hearts 00:35:00
0 spoken words

Monday, May 22, 2006

"will you let me be your boyfriend?"
"will you be engaged to me?"
a resounding yes to the above,
and a keychain ring marked it all.

yet the acceptance did not begin
but ended what was to be beautiful.
a new pair of rings committed both,
only to have one lose his along the way.

the other ring remained in a chain,
placed beside a cross pendant in faith.
consistent prayers uttered in silence
as hands clasped them in desperation.

like a broken record that repeats,
her prayers will always hear his words -
"please say you'll never leave me."
"i don't want to ever let you go."

hearts 23:56:00
0 spoken words


was reading a fellow churchmate's blog earlier and yes, feeling all fucking melancholic again right now.

it's just so weird to see people going through the similar shit that i went through personally and how i prayed so fervently that no humans will have to go through such shit cos it's just pure fucked up. then i saw one by one, friends going through similar shit and i wonder what the fuck is up with people and relationships. can't they just stop fucking play each other out?

i've been losing sleep so often lately, it's not even funny. for a girl who used to sleep so many hours a day, i feel so grossed out by my lack of sleep and constant yawning in the day. it's disgusting. my brain is in complete overdrive as i fight back thoughts and memories of the past. what definitely didn't help is hearing how another churchmate of mine is gonna propose and all and thoughts flutter back to that bus-ride and that keychain ring.

then as if i'm not getting depressed enough, guilt is eating me up inside out as my past starts haunting me over and over again as i face my church and cell group each week. i hate it when i can't get rid of this superficiality on me. if i'm serious about returning to Daddy, i have to confess about my past to them yet there's that deeply-rooted fear in me that they will see me in a completely different light. fuck. i'm no angel especially with this foul-mouth of mine. i don't even understand why i care what others think of me.

i remember how i once told this cadet inspector from my school, whom i completely respect by the way, that why should i care about what others think about me when i'm happy with who i am. almost 7 years down the road, look who the fuck is eating her words back? i look into the mirror everyday and i wonder who is this girl staring back at me. do i know her? do i really know her? i feel like i'm so detached from this shell that i'm a stranger.

i hate beating myself up yet that's what i do almost every other day. i'm addicted to this wallowing in self-pity and just being detached. i hate it but without it, i feel so vulnerable. i can just see the four walls closing in on me. i can just see myself peering through that tiny window that is the only barrier that allowed a little light in.

i've been uttering the same prayers since 3 years ago. prayers for you to be happy and find the love of your life and some other thing that can't be mentioned here. i really wish you will be happy. i know i am not the love of your life cos you repeatedly told me so. i know i'm not good enough for you. i know that someday i will stop crying when i think back on our past but i also know that you will always hold a special place in my heart. you were the only guy i ever called hubby and only to you have i truly meant the 3 words i longed to hear from you for so long - i love you.

hearts 23:30:00
0 spoken words

Sunday, May 21, 2006

did i mention that i COMPLETELY HATE to SHIT?!

it's a complete waste of my TIME!

argh. never will i ever forgive the shitting process again. :(

hearts 01:29:00
0 spoken words

Monday, May 15, 2006

Once you make up your mind never to stand waiting and hesitating when your conscience tells you what you ought to do, and you have got the key to every blessing that a sinner can reasonably hope for.

-- John Keble

hearts 00:12:00
0 spoken words

Sunday, May 14, 2006

i dreamt of you last night.

dreamt of you asking me to stay with you in camp.
dreamt of you getting upset when i said that i might not be able to.
dreamt of me pacifying you by saying i would stay.

then i dreamt of me getting drenched in the rain.
and you calling me on my mobile asking me where i was.
then i dreamt of you running to shelter me from the rain.

i miss you.
it's no secret.
i wanna be back in your arms.
but you won't let me.

hearts 03:27:00
0 spoken words

Friday, May 12, 2006

i was reading an acquaintence's blog for the past hour.

the things he wrote of.
his love.

i started questioning God.

why does He allow us to enjoy that few moments of bliss, only to send us to the torments of heartbreak?

why does He allow us to love, only to be shunned and treated as plague?

why does He allow us to smile for the world to see, only to cry in solitude?

i remember a sister in Christ once said to me, "Clara, you have no idea how powerful your testimonies could one day be."

for a moment, i was flattered then i was in shambles.

i would rather give up this privilege of having powerful testimonies and have him by my side.
i would rather lead a simple and plain lifestyle with him than all the drama that surrounds my very shell.

there are nights, like tonight, where i just stare into the ceiling and let my thoughts wander. let my imagination go wild and remember the joy we once shared. let my fantasy take hold of reality for that moment and create that dream we once embraced. let my passion overwhelm my logic and text an insane message to proclaim my love.

only tonight is different. i didn't text. i didn't create any dreams. i didn't remember.

instead, my goals, my future, my life, my principles, my morals, etc. flitted past my burdened soul.

my friend said to me that i live in a fantasy world.
i wish it was true.
then i would create an ending for myself,
a happily ever after.

hearts 06:10:00
0 spoken words


it's 5am and i can't seem to sleep.

lotsa things on my mind.

my future.
my life.
my goals.
my principles.
my morals.
my values.

going through them one by one.
shocked at how many times i've compromised all of them.

i feel so burdened.

i can't sleep.

hearts 05:09:00
0 spoken words

Monday, May 08, 2006

a tear escaped the corner of my eye,
the cold dark elusive corner of sight.
my heart was pumping in rapid speed,
the stone burdened beat of life.

a piercing pain went through my body,
my lifeless emoteless selfish flesh.
my lungs were contracting gradually,
squeezing the very last lazed breath.

an image of you floated past my mind,
my once focused and determined thoughts.
i began to cry a silent prayer under
my breath that begin to go in labor.

a silent thought uttered beneath my breath,
my contrite weary tiredsome prayers.
my heart began to slow its pace as
i uttered - i'm sorry for loving you.

hearts 22:55:00
0 spoken words

Sunday, May 07, 2006

i really can't believe the blatant display of prejudice. i felt so peeved but i couldn't speak. words spoken in anger often can be too harsh and i withheld.

do not test my anger.

i can be the worst bitch any one of you have EVER encountered.

hearts 21:55:00
0 spoken words