walking contradiction

25 years old.
a girl of irony.
studying in university of new south wales - ba/llb.
living and let live.
truly blessed by His and his love.

Created by Wedding Favors

time constrained


another dimension



partners in crime
benje. carol. crystal. daniel ho. davina. doreen. evelyn. ingrid. iniQx. jac. jess. julian. karen. kimberly. leon. li en. mabel. melissa. nick. shirley. stefan. xiaowei. yee huat. yusuf. zhong ying.


communication channels
christian forum. keeptouch forum. heartlight. save our tree e-magazine. yesterday .sg. good morning yesterday. riverlife. 陳志明.
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. feelings and thoughts .

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Saturday, January 29, 2005

There's a black sheep within the herd and it's getting increasingly difficult to associate with that individual.

Impolite and tactlessness obviously seems to be sins of mine in the individual's fashion. Yet, the illustration of such is misleading.

hearts 18:35:00
0 spoken words

Thursday, January 27, 2005

I'm finally eating proper meals.

Then again,

What is proper?

hearts 17:38:00
0 spoken words


Sometimes I feel the neglection so bad that I just don't wish to bother about anything else.

Then you blame me for my attitude.

hearts 02:30:00
0 spoken words

Wednesday, January 26, 2005





Naughty Girl by Beyonce





"Tonight I'll be your naughty girl
I'm callin all my girls
We're gonna turn this party out
I know you want my body"

2004 was your year! You felt sexy as hell - and it showed.



What 2004 Hit Song Are You?


hearts 06:32:00
0 spoken words


Those who knew what happened.
Good for you.

For those who don't,
the taxi I was in had an accident.

Praise the Lord.

He called me after the entire incident and well, glad that he's still concerned about me.

hearts 06:16:00
0 spoken words

Tuesday, January 25, 2005

Got the job.

He asked me what I wanted for Valentine's.
I reminded him of what I did and said I deserved none of it.
Then he asked me further if I minded him giving me accessories.
Then I was like, "What kinda accessories? I only liked plain ones."
I was talking about the designs but he had a different intepretation.

Willl you wear if I give you a bangle, or maybe a ring?

I just remain...

Silent.

hearts 00:29:00
0 spoken words

Monday, January 24, 2005

Having no rights to anger,
Having no rights to jealousy.
Speaking the truth to you
Wreaked havoc in you.

You didn't scold me.
Neither did you shout.
You simply asked me why
And blamed yourself for all.

I cried when you cried.
Wanting so much to hug you
And tell you how contrite
My soul am drenching in.

You still called me your dear.
You still expressed your love.
You reassured me that you won't leave.
All I could do was cry in response.

hearts 00:58:00
0 spoken words

Sunday, January 23, 2005

Is this what eyes were never meant to see
The end of hope and all it meant to me
How can I find the strength to carry on another day
Without my pride there’s nothing left to say
Is this the way my life was meant to be?

Too late for me to say that I was wrong
Perhaps the weak believe that they are strong
I thought that if I tried I’d find a way to earn their trust
Yet all I’ve know and loved has turned to dust
It seems there was no way I could belong

The fire that burns within your heart
The pain that tears your life apart
The rain that falls from broken skies
The love I lost beneath the lies
And must I face the truth alone?
Is this the end of all I’ve known?
The years I gave, the tears I’ve cried
Why dream of love, when love has died…

I know one day the story will be told
And in the end the secrets will be sold
And will they look at me and say I should have known the end
Perhaps I did but why should I pretend?
I only dreamed of love, and growing old…

The fire that burns within your heart
The pain that tears your life apart
The rain that falls from broken skies
The love I lost beneath the lies
And must I face the truth alone?
Is this the end of all I’ve known?
The years I gave, the tears I’ve cried
Why dream of love, when love has died…

The years I gave, the tears I’ve cried
Why dream of love, when love has died…

-- Kit Chan's Why Dream Of Love

hearts 21:01:00
0 spoken words


Wanna run back into your arms.
Wanna hear you say that no matter,
You'll still hold me like before.

I'm sorry.

hearts 18:34:00
0 spoken words

Saturday, January 22, 2005

A reunion of sorts.
A game on its own.
I played and I won.
Only to realise that
I really have lost.

hearts 21:39:00
0 spoken words

Friday, January 21, 2005

I was running towards you.
Then I stopped.
I begin running away from you.

hearts 17:49:00
0 spoken words

Thursday, January 20, 2005





Your Element Is Water


A bit of a contradiction, you can seem both lighthearted
and serious. That's because you're good at going with the flow - but you also
are deep. Highly intuitive, you tune in to people's emotions and moods easily.
You are able to tap into deep emotional connections and connect with others.
You prefer a smooth, harmonious life - but you can navigate your way around
waves. You have a knack for getting people to get along and making life a little
more peaceful.



What's Your Element?


You are 53% Virgo





How much do you match your zodiac sign?


hearts 04:04:00
0 spoken words


Less than 24 hours away.
Will you be in my arms?

Desiring for your presence.

hearts 02:24:00
0 spoken words

Wednesday, January 19, 2005

3 months.
It has been 3 fucking months.
I can't believe how fast time flies.
I can't believe that this has been my longest relationship since...

you simply baffles me

hearts 01:16:00
0 spoken words






Your Dominant Intelligence is Linguistic Intelligence



You are excellent with words and language. You explain yourself well.
An elegant speaker, you can converse well with anyone on the fly.
You are also good at remembering information and convicing someone of your point of view.
A master of creative phrasing and unique words, you enjoy expanding your vocabulary.

You would make a fantastic poet, journalist, writer, teacher, lawyer, politician, or translator.



What Kind of Intelligence Do You Have?


hearts 01:12:00
0 spoken words


"You'll still cling to your destructive, debilitating habits because your emotional tie to them is so strong - so much stronger than any dime-store insight you might come up with - that the stupid things you do are really the only things you've got that keep you centered and connected. They are the only things about you that make you YOU."
-- Elizabeth Wurtzel, Prozac Nation

If all I'm gonna get is lip service, then I rather have none of it.

hearts 00:40:00
0 spoken words

Tuesday, January 18, 2005

"When childhood dies, its corpses are called adults and they enter society, one of the politer names of hell. That is why we dread children, even if we love them, they show us the state of our decay."
-- Brian Aldiss

hearts 14:58:00
0 spoken words

Monday, January 17, 2005

"Where there's Marriage without Love, there will be Love without Marriage."
-- Benjamin Franklin

hearts 01:24:00
0 spoken words

Sunday, January 16, 2005

"I don't need a certain number of friends, just a number of friends I can be certain of." - Gary Sng

Smashed blueberry pancake with poached dried fruits.

hearts 01:38:00
0 spoken words

Friday, January 14, 2005





You Are a Visionary Soul





You are a curious person, always in a state of awareness.
Connected to all things spiritual, you are very connect to your soul.
You are wise and bright: able to reason and be reasonable.
Occasionally, you get quite depressed and have dark feelings.

You have great vision and can be very insightful.
In fact, you are often profound in a way that surprises yourself.
Visionary souls like you can be the best type of friend.
You are intuitive, understanding, sympathetic, and a good healer.

Souls you are most compatible with: Old Soul and Peacemaker Soul



What Kind of Soul Are You?






You Are 18 Years Old



18





Under 12: You are a kid at heart. You still have an optimistic life view - and you look at the world with awe.

13-19: You are a teenager at heart. You question authority and are still trying to find your place in this world.

20-29: You are a twentysomething at heart. You feel excited about what's to come... love, work, and new experiences.

30-39: You are a thirtysomething at heart. You've had a taste of success and true love, but you want more!

40+: You are a mature adult. You've been through most of the ups and downs of life already. Now you get to sit back and relax.



What Age Do You Act?


hearts 17:57:00
0 spoken words


1.are you serious when it comes to relationships?
A resounding no. I'll be when the guy convinces me that he's not a freaking player. Then a guy, it's hard to convince me.

2. are you afraid of commitments?
Hell, ya.

3. are you a risk taker?
Yep. Risking my reputation with the way I'm leading life.

4. what can you say about long distance relationships?
Takes ALOT of trust which I don't have for me, or for himself.

5. can you love a person who doesnt love you?
Why not?

6. do actions speak louder than words?
Oh, definitely. Especially since words can be exaggerated to suit their needs.

7. have you felt/found true love?
I've felt it then I lost it. And now, I think true love only exists between my mum and I.

8. how can you say that a person loves you?
When I treat him like fuck and he still treats me like a princess.

9. willing to give everything?
No. No longer.

10. do you demand your loved one to change into someone that pleases you?
I demand them to not change me so why would I do that to another person?

11. would you let go of someone you love?
If there are better prospects or other priorities that I've to consider.

12. are you a one woman man & vice versa type of person?
I was. I am still now but I'm on the edge.

13. how do you express your love to someone?
By saying that three words that means the world to lotsa people and I know it means a hell lot to him cos I hardly say it or I'll just say, "I don't even know if I love you or lust for you."

14. what is the major reason of a break up?
Complacency. Familiarity. Falling into the mundane routine.

15. most important ingredient in a relationship?
Understanding.

16. ever regret loving someone?
Yes! I regretted loving myself. Hah. No. Never regretted. All are lessons worth learning.

17. one thing u hate about love?
It makes you all jiggly and giddy with affections. Makes you oblivious to the negative sides of things only to be hit with reality HARD.

18. one thing you like about love?
Companionship? Sex?

19. worst thing you did to loved one?
Telling him that I still consider him as a player.

20. are you in love?
I might be. It's for me to know and for the whole world to find out. And yes, it includes him.

21. with whom?
This particular guy.

22. do you have a bf/gf?
Can I not answer this freakingly obvious question?

23. why?
Why what? Whoever came up with this questionnaire seriously needs some English lessons.

24. message to your loved one?
I know I ain't the most loving girl on Earth. Probably brought you the most shit you've ever seen in your entire dating empire but well, glad that you still find no complains in me like I find no complains in you. Except for that nagging acupoint that might just end our relationship anytime. Anyhow, it was a relationship worthed it's time and I can only say to tell you that I truly enjoyed every breathing moment of it and being with you is just surreal.

hearts 04:19:00
0 spoken words


My stomach hurts.
I'm missing you.
And I think I'm just so fucking stuck in this love rut.

Fuck the world.
Fuck everything.
The angst of an ending teenager.

hearts 02:16:00
0 spoken words

Thursday, January 13, 2005

"I was an astronaut who was going to fly so high, so far beyond the moon, so far beyond the whole world. But then I never had to worry about a crash landing because I never even took off."
Taken from Prozac Nation

Next up on the list: Bitch

hearts 01:49:00
0 spoken words

Wednesday, January 12, 2005

When will the curtain fall?
I really wish to know.

When will the sun rise?
I really wish to see.

When will the birds sing?
I really wish to hear.

When will the tears dry?
I really wish to feel.

When will the chocolate melt?
I really wish to taste.

When will spring come?
I really wish to smell.

When will it all come true?
I really wish to know.

hearts 01:52:00
0 spoken words

Tuesday, January 11, 2005

You are Charlotte.  Beautiful, shy and girly.  All you really want is a huge wedding and a wonderful husband but you are slowly working your way through the male population in your ques
You are Charlotte. Beautiful, shy and girly. All
you really want is a huge wedding and a
wonderful husband but you are slowly working
your way through the male population in your
quest to find mr right, not that you'd readily
admit it! You always end up with mr
perfect...but.. and the but is usually some
kind of bizarre or disappointing bedroom
activity.


"A 'Sex and the City' quiz"
brought to you by Quizilla

You're Carrie!
You're Carrie! A professed sexual anthropologist
and a slightly neurotic columnist, you've got
notorious weaknesses for expensive footwear,
men who tend to be utterly wrong for you, and
cosmopolitans. It's all about the Manolos,
baby!


Which 'Sex and the City' Character are You?
brought to you by Quizilla

miranda
You're Miranda! Sarcastic and bitter about life,
you save your charm for those close to you.
You're a great friend to have around.


Which Sex And The City Girl Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla

ooooo*ooooo

Can I just officially claim myself as THE GIRL of Sex and The City. LOL.

hearts 01:08:00
0 spoken words


Too much of something can be really bad.

Thoughts.

hearts 00:37:00
0 spoken words

Sunday, January 09, 2005

tom boy result
Tomboy


What kind of little girl were YOU?
brought to you by Quizilla

hearts 05:34:00
0 spoken words


Your words unwittingly gave
The stamp of approval to me,
To the resounding denial of us -
Our bonds, our relationship.

Calculative, I thought I was that
When I painfully recall of my day,
When all of you did and said nothing
To acknowledge and left me cold.

Months passed and the resentment
Bore deep within me, none of you
Remembered that day nor ever
Understood why I've been distant.

Nursing the hurt on my own,
Do not worry, my time to leave nears.
Calling you all my friends that I love,
Only to hear the echoing of acquaintences.

ooooo*ooooo

An attention-seeker that's what am I. Thanks for reading and making me laugh. -thinks- You still have the same power over me and I really hope our friendship will last. -smiles-

hearts 04:34:00
0 spoken words


"You hooked up with one other girl for what, ten seconds and you passed up sex with Nadia, fucking stupid. You're like a blind man picking out his favorite porno."
-- Steve Stifler from American Wedding

"In one way or another I've always suffered. I didn't know why exactly. But I do know that I'm not so scared of suffering now. I feel more than I've ever felt and I've found someone to feel with. To play with. To love in a way that feels right for me. I hope he knows that I can see that he suffers too. And that I want to love him."
-- Lee from Secretary

"Bridge, ya know, I mean, what I always thought was that there was this one, one perfect person for everybody in the world, you know, and when you found that person, uh, the rest of the world just kinda magically faded away and... and you know, the two of you would just be inside this kind of protective bubble. But there is no bubble, or if there is, we have to make it. I just think life is more than a series of moments, you know, it's... it's... we can make choices and we can choose to protect the people we love and that's what makes us who we are, and those are the real miracles! Stop me when it becomes glaringly obvious that I have no idea what I am talking about..."
-- Ben Holmes from Forces of Nature

hearts 02:42:00
0 spoken words

Saturday, January 08, 2005

"Love takes off masks that we fear we cannot live without and know we cannot live within."
-- James Baldwin

hearts 04:11:00
0 spoken words

Wednesday, January 05, 2005

I love that word "relationship". Covers all manner of sins, doesn't it? I fear that this has become a bad relationship. A relationship based on the President taking exactly what he wants and casually ignoring all those things that really matter to, erm... Britain. We may be a small country but we're a great one, too. The country of Shakespeare, Churchill, the Beatles, Sean Connery, Harry Potter. David Beckham's right foot. David Beckham's left foot, come to that. And a friend who bullies us is no longer a friend. And since bullies only respond to strength, from now onward, I will be prepared to be much stronger. And the President should be prepared for that.
-- The Prime Minister from Love Actually

hearts 01:44:00
0 spoken words

Tuesday, January 04, 2005

You know I loved Sean so much, and its been so long that I still can't him out of my system. This is going to sound a little strange but I've met someone, who seems to be Sean.
-- Anna from Birth

hearts 02:50:00
0 spoken words

Sunday, January 02, 2005

New Year's Eve was spend reading through numerous SMS asking me to spare a moment for the tsunami victims. I was in church for most of the time when these messages came flooding in. Brother Dickson then stood in front of Campus Ministry and asked us to reflect upon the words of the songs we're singing to God and reflect upon the tragedy that occurred a while back.

It struck home. I kneeled and laid my head down onto the ground as my heart began to break. Till that night, it has been 5 days since I heard from Christy, who's based in a Club Med resort in Indonesia. I know I should be thinking that he's fine since he managed to reply back to me on Monday night but it's no consolation as I keep reading reports after reports about how Club Med has suffered one of the most losses.

I cried. Cried because everyone around me seems to see me as someone cheerful and filled with fun and joy. Cried because everybody thinks that I am not able to comprehend the disaster at hand. I cried in silence as everyone continued their prayers. As soon as my head was lifted, I went for the door and washed my face in the toilet. Pain and hurt, I'm just too accustomed to them.

By 2230hrs, I just couldn't hold up any longer and left church. Headed for Passion as I promised Agnes that I'll try and be there for countdown. He messaged me that he is not able to leave camp but has a high chance of sneaking out. I called him, wanting to ask him to just stay in camp and that it's fine with me if he can't meet me that night, but I didn't. Somehow, I wanted him to be there. Agnes was a a face of joy when I met her at Passion. She hugged me and shouted, "Happy New Year" before offering me a cup of champagne. Putting aside my heavy heart, I glanced around me and before I knew it, I was drenched in champagne. The crowd was wild and I was savouring every moment of it.

He did sneak out afterall and came down to Passion to look for me. Not sure if he felt it but when I saw him that night, I felt a distance starting to form between the both of us. I wanted to hug him but somehow, that desire vanishes as I try to draw close to him. We left Passion not long after as he wanted to play a couple of games of bowling so we headed down to Marina South.

Well, if we had some unforeseen luck. We were placed on the lane beside Robin Leong and company. He's a great bowler. Almost every round was met with a spare for him. It was fantastic to see so many people at Superbowl looking cheery and all. It was pure amazing. With all these tragedies at hand, I would think that the world will be dead to the sound of joy.

After he had enough of his bowling, we walked our way to Lau Pa Sat. He asked me lotsa questions that I found difficult to answer and I replied in a very matter-of-fact manner towards him. Yet, what I desire to reply is of follow...

When you leave Singapore, do you not want to have any form of contact with me anymore?

Yes, as I don't wanna know how happy you are with her. I don't wanna know how well in advance you are in your life without me. I don't wanna know all these. Yet, no, I do wanna continue contacting you to know that you're doing well. I wanna know that you're treating her right. I wanna know that you have made significant progress towards your dreams.

The contradiction that speaks within my heart is hard to listen and follow. How am I to reply to such a question? I don't know cos even I'm not sure whether I want to or not.

Do you now understand the pain that throbs within my heart as each weekend draws closer? I wish I could look into your eyes and just shout, "YOU'RE A FUCKING LIAR". I wish I could tell you all the questions that has been swimming in this little depressive brain of mine. I wish I could drink myself silly, get myself into some freak accident and lose my memory... it'll be the easiest way out for me.


It's difficult. Real difficult for me to tell you the truth of how I feel cos when I see you, I see a picture painted with the colors of lies, hurt and pain. Yet I'm so drawn towards this morbid piece of art. The morphine effect it has on me is beyond amazement. I'm addicted to this vicious cycle of love and hate. The self-inflicting emotional torture is just pure ecstasy. Crying myself silly on lonely nights, I could do that for months and all you see is a carefree girl.

I'm an actress. The world's my stage. This episode is especially hard to get by but I will get by. And when I do, please don't stop me from performing my epilogue to the world whom I hope will applaude generously to my art.

hearts 04:46:00
0 spoken words