walking contradiction

25 years old.
a girl of irony.
studying in university of new south wales - ba/llb.
living and let live.
truly blessed by His and his love.

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another dimension

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Sunday, December 31, 2006

as the year 2006 comes to a close, let's go through some of the significant events that occurred over the past year. the ups, the downs, the laughters, the tears.

1) finished up my foundation year with unsw and embarked on my new education journey with unsw arts/law program. one semester down, nine more to go.

2) got mugged at broadway by 2 blacks and 1 white. traumatising incident that left dav and i making security and safety our main priority.

3) attended sydney harvest church briefly and having one of the female leaders come up to me with a prophecy, that i'm a shining star with flaws still needed to be smoothed out. that i'll still have trials and tribulations.

4) met a whole new group of friends in sydney and having the time of my life, partying and mugging together.

5) things came to a naught for mervin and i. we both moved on and despite all that has happened, i'm happy that he's happy with the girl whom he loves.

6) things nearly turned ugly for g and i. grateful for every little thing that he has done for me but i just had to say goodbye. hope he's happier now with his wife.

7) attempted break-in at our sydney apartment. never have dav and i been so shaken and frightful. thank God for nick and junior who have been such lovely dears.

8) my greatest fantasy played out with another in sydney. the food, the trips, the tenderness. never could have asked for more. though it was short-lived, i'm happy that it even happened.

9) my 21st birthday. i've never cried so hard in my life and i never felt such bittersweet feeling when i saw the cake sent from heaven. never ever had my forgiveness been stretched to such extent.

10) the biggest and most impactful event of this year and possibly my entire lifetime. 1st july 2006. i've never felt so lost in my entire life. i once told myself and everyone around me, i can lose anyone in my life but i can never lose buddy. yet i did. i lost him. constant reminders that i was the last friend he was talking to before he committed the deed constantly cuts me so deep. never had i cried so hard in my life yet laugh so much as i recounted all my memories with him. never had i been so protective of myself. building up the barriers, brick by brick. i miss him. i really do.

so now, it's time to bid goodbye to 2006 and embrace 2007 which begins on the day that marks 6 months since bud left this world. will i enter 2007 with a guarded heart and never willing to venture beyond my comfort zone? will i grow more cynical and will innocence be my friend again once more?

2006 has been a very painful year and i really just wanna close this chapter off. yet i know this year will continue to haunt me repeatedly throughout my life. that one event has scarred me so deep.

Because of you
I never stray too far from the sidewalk
Because of you
I learned to play on the safe side
So I don't get hurt
Because of you
I find it hard to trust
Not only me, but everyone around me
Because of you
I am afraid

-- Kelly Clarkson's Because of You

hearts 20:16:00
0 spoken words

zhongying decided to check out if she can eat lala up but lala is just too big. :x

oh no. think lala caught me. :D

so after much hoo-ha, we still love each other as much. lol.

at the main arena, drinking lemon tea (it was supposed to be long island), an orb appears above zhongying. we wondered if it's him. i feel that it's him. he's still all around me, protecting me. zhongying said he has never left me. he has always been around me.

i miss you bud. :)

hearts 19:28:00
0 spoken words

in less than 24 hours' time, i know my tears will start flowing once again.
i've decided to tone it down.
no hoo-ha.
no big celebrations.
no parties.

it's your 6 months and i know that no matter how hard i try to enjoy myself, a part of me will be torn.

went for matt's barbie today and i don't know why, he decided to play the song "reason". i started thinking of you, bud. started thinking of how, after your death, i'm just a changed person. i used to party alot, get wasted, get into shits, get into all kinda nonsense and you'll be there, comforting me as i run to you crying.

i used to not fear relationships, whether long-distance or what-nots. but now i do. i fear them so much that there are literally four walls around me and no one can break it down, not even myself.
i used to not fear getting into trouble, shits. but now i do. i stay away from peeps that i know might bring me trouble, stay away from peeps that i know might cause me pain and hurt.

feel so estranged yet so safe. you change me bud, with your death. i appear cheerful yet deep inside, i'm silently grieving. i went to the clinic and mos today. thought i would get myself wasted cos i had some drinks at matt's earlier but no. i stopped myself. i literally stopped myself from drinking further.

i wanna cry so badly but i can't.
i wanna laugh and enjoy myself but i can't.
cos the scar is carved so deep.
the shadow just won't leave.

hearts 07:13:00
0 spoken words

Saturday, December 30, 2006

with just one mambo laydee, mambo was as eventful as ever.

hearts 18:35:00
0 spoken words

too much fear.
too many barriers.

trying my best.
my best ain't good enough.

feeling bad.
feeling horrid.

just a bitch.
just a bitch.

hearts 07:21:00
0 spoken words

Friday, December 29, 2006

You Are Smokin' Hot

You're a terrible flirt, a sharp dresser, and a party animal.
Of course, you're totally sizzling too. And for you, being hot just comes naturally.
Are You Hot?

Your Expression Number is 5

A total multi-tasker, you have a wide variety of talents.
You're very versatile and able to change at a drop of a hat.
A free spirit, you crave change and adventure.

Clever and quick witted, you can convince anyone of anything.
You can do anything you desire... though this sometimes gets you in trouble!
Very popular, you're always thinking up new ways to entertain and amuse your friends.

Your restless and impatient attitude means you don't stay with projects for long.
You tend to be erratic and scattered - it's hard for you to focus.
You often find yourself in a state of flux with constantly changing interests.
What's Your Expression Number?

Your Lucky Underwear is Orange

You have an intense personality and crave extreme emotional experiences. And your lucky orange underwear will help you take it to a whole new level.
Adventure and danger don't phase you - in fact you enjoy dicey situations. You're the first to take a risk, and the first to get the payoff.

And while your risks sometimes result in great rewards, they also sometimes result in devastating failures.
If you want to have intense moments without always risking all you have, put on your orange underpants. They'll help you experience life with rich emotions, no matter what you're doing.
What Color Is Your Lucky Underwear?

of course i'm bored. :p

hearts 06:44:00
0 spoken words

Thursday, December 28, 2006

zouk last night.
bumped into weide who so kindly send me back since we are staying in the same block.
upon reaching home, i logged online, washed up, called the boys to find out what's up with the other guy and text my dear laydee, zhongying, that i'm home safe and sound.

spoke to her online briefly.
she told me some stuff on her part
and i told her some stuff on my part.
still a little raw, the pain is still there.

as i laid my groggy head to rest,
i felt tears trying to force their way out.
i refused to cry, refused to even sniffle.
not gonna bow down to vulnerability.

no. it's gonna be your 6 months soon.
it's gonna be the time of the month again.
you made my july trip back unforgettable.
now, new year's will be spend grieving

for my heart still cries for you.
for my tears won't stop flowing.
for the nightmare won't stop haunting.
how could you just leave me so?

hearts 19:00:00
0 spoken words

Tuesday, December 26, 2006

i woke up in near tears.
think i dreamt of my bud.
he was telling me my hair looks good
and asked me to cut down on my vice.

i was screaming, screaming real loud.

i miss you.
i really do.

do you know how much i miss you?

then i saw you pat my head and i felt the gentle pat,
which you always do when i'm upset.
i remember hugging you.
i woke up, still feeling the warmth.

i miss you.
i really do.

hearts 21:14:00
0 spoken words

Your Birthdate: August 31

You don't love lightly. For you, love is always a serious undertaking.
However, you are able to love many types of people. You can bring out the best in almost anyone.
Love surprises you often. You never know when or where you'll find it next.

Number of True Loves You'll Have: 2

Number of Times You'll Have Your Heart Broken: 1

You are most compatible with people born on the 4th, 13th, 22nd, and 31st of the month.
What Does Your Birth Date Mean For Your Love Life?

but my heart has been broken so many times before. how can it just be once? bleah. such darn quizzes.

You Are Rain

You can be warm and sexy. Or cold and unwelcoming.
Either way, you slowly bring out the beauty around you.

You are best known for: your touch

Your dominant state: changing
What Type of Weather Are You?

i love the rain. :D

hearts 15:29:00
0 spoken words

one baby step.
just one tiny step.

slow and easy.
like the tortoise in the race.

no haste.
no fuss.


hearts 07:05:00
0 spoken words

Let us remember that the Christmas heart is a giving heart, a
wideopen heart that thinks of others first. The birth of the
baby Jesus stands as the most significant event in all history,
because it has meant the pouring into a sick world of the
healing medicine of love which has transformed all manner of
hearts for almost two thousand years... Underneath all the
bulging bundles is this beating Christmas heart.

-- George Matthew Adams

hearts 01:17:00
0 spoken words

Monday, December 25, 2006

let's take it slow.
4.5 years ain't a joke.
the stretches in time, the distance.

i wondered if it was a moment thing.
spoke my thoughts out loud.
no bars, no boundaries, no fears.

you spoke of yours as well.
and a few more love.
and i know, i know.

maybe this is what we've been waiting for.

still honey,
let's take it slow.
for they say
slow and easy wins the race.


hearts 17:19:00
0 spoken words

lovely lovely christmas.

i couldn't have asked for more.
what about you?

i'm waiting to see what new year's eve will be like.


hearts 07:12:00
0 spoken words

Saturday, December 23, 2006

last night, i went for wala's live band performance. in the last set, i heard the song "reason" by hoobastank. i knew that this song was the song sang by bud to jess and i instantly felt a pang of pain hit me. started to get a little depress but i kept my silence. the day's events were already quite out of the world but still, silence.

after wala's, i went to meet dennis. begin to speak about our past. how we met. the young times. he jokingly asked me, "i'm a good guy. why don't you choose me?" in a playful retort, "i'm also a good girl. why don't you choose me?" both of us started laughing non-stop. we spoke about innocence. how it's difficult to revert to that stage in life cos we're conditioned to view people with tinted eyes.

then there was a slight pause, he looked at me and said, "you were happier in the past. what happened?"

i stayed silent.

i replied, "i grew up."

and there i see, innocence fluttering away from me.

hearts 16:38:00
0 spoken words

Friday, December 22, 2006

tonight is one night i just wanna stare into the sky and think about you.
christmas is coming.
do they celebrate it there?

i'll go find you on that day.
be home aiite?

hearts 05:18:00
0 spoken words

Thursday, December 21, 2006

in a conversation i had with bz yesterday, i found out something really funny yet sad. i didn't know if i should laugh or cry over what i've learnt. it was amusing yet at the same time, sympathy overwhelmed me.

then in a seperate conversation i had with woof, i found out something really funny yet sad again. she said that i seemed more protected now. i've four walls around me and i refuse to let anything, anybody come anyway close to hurting me. she said that i was numb. for a moment, we both believed that it was a good thing and was smiling and laughing about it. till everything died down and reflection followed.

the cynics will forever be cynics.

hearts 19:12:00
0 spoken words

Tuesday, December 19, 2006

finally met up with seb. thanks for everything! :) hope you enjoyed yourself. :D

ingrid beat me to it.

as i was talking to dennis earlier, i had a sudden thought of what one of mabes' facilitators mentioned during her dinner.

do you still see stories written in the clouds?

- luke, mabes' faciliator

i pondered over the loss of innocence. got a little depressed. and i told dennis, it's not true that being innocent means that you can't make it in life. you still can and you can still retain that little joy. yet the thing about innocence is that once you lose it, it's hard for you to gain it back.

luke urged ingrid and i to stop our cynical viewpoints in life and look, look up into the sky and hear what they have to say.

my reply to him was passive.

when i stop talking to the stars, maybe the clouds will start telling me stories.

- lala

all of us are always complaining. complaining about the society. complaining of our unfortunate events in life. lamenting our fate and wishing so hard for the greener pastures. we never really stopped to listen. never. i know i never did. i'm always lamenting, always demanding, always seeing the negatives in life. i never stopped to really look at the world around me.

the media might have sensationalize loads of its content. focusing on wars, famines and other tragedies in life but there are more to life than that, just that we never bothered to look beyond what the media brings out of the society. we are conditioned to believe that we're born to work for a better tomorrow. but is there really such a thing as a better tomorrow? why can't today be the better tomorrow?

then within the conversation dennis had with one of his friends, i heard something that struck me.

a german guy was telling me,
what happen yesterday remains in yesterday.
today is a brand new day.

- dennis

and it's just so true. there are peeps dying every single day who wish to see another day but here we are, thinking what kinda shithole life we're in and using today to lament about yesterdays. i know if bud was here, he would agree firmly with what the german guy said to dennis. today is a brand new day.

when i wake up tomorrow (hopefully not too soon), i wanna say "yes. today is a brand new day" and smile. i wanna sit by the reservoir and look up into the sky and listen to the stories the clouds wanna tell me. and yes. it's time to stop talking to the stars.

hearts 07:49:00
0 spoken words

Monday, December 18, 2006

Sometimes I run
Sometimes I hide
Sometimes I'm scared of you
But all I really want is to hold you tight
Treat you right
Be with you day and night
Baby all I need is time

-- taken from Britney Spears' Sometimes

this particular verse has been stuck in my head for a very long time. at first i wondered if you referred to the situation that i was in, but i know it's not. then i wondered what this verse was trying to say to me.

mr. supper came to look for me late yesterday. after finishing our late supper at geylang, he drove me back home but we decided to sit at the void deck and have a chat. as we talked, inevitably we began to talk about spiritual stuff. about how i've been running. how i've been struggling. how my desire wanes on and off.

i spoke about my fears of going home. fears of being judged. fears of being treated differently. fears of losing even more peeps in my life. i spoke about bud. how after losing him, i've been pushing everyone's support away. most tried to support me through but i refused to allow them into my darkest thoughts. not even in my secret blog, do i reveal my innermost feelings and thoughts. mr. supper mentioned that maybe that's His way of telling me that it's time to stop leaning on all of these supports and lean on Him for it instead.

then i recalled how in my previous appointment, mr. getzjedi was asking me slightly before i left the chalet, "with your strength or His strength?" and i mentioned it to mr. supper. mr. supper replied that it's very obvious that you're struggling with all of these baggages and you refuse to let them be taken away. i just stared into space. then he said, "to make a really blunt statement, your bud might have be taken out of your life precisely cos you've been leaning on him too much. all your support pillars have collapsed and now, you're supporting everything on your own." i remained silence and wondered to myself, did i really cause bud's death in the spiritual sense?

we started talking about the retreat i briefly attended and how the last sermon i've heard was, "wasting of an individual's life". i knew He was calling out for me. i could hear His cries but still i ran. earlier in the retreat, mr. supper was already speaking to me about how each time something happens to me and hits me hard emotionally, i'll take the path that just goes down, down, down. he said i was spiralling out of control - really out of control. then i heard the words He wish for me to hear once again just before i leave.

i was really lost for words many times in the wee hours of the morning as i paused and pondered over the things said, over the things revealed. i know He has been calling me home for a very long time but i just keep on running and running cos i was afraid. i was afraid of the prophecy that was made by a lady in a church in Sydney. i was afraid of how each time i return home, someone in my life walks away. i was afraid of how i will be looked at as i begin to live with my family once again.

mr. supper must have sensed all of my insecurities and said, "don't worry. you'll marry. you'll settle down". i looked at him, bewildered - how did he know? i blanked out and finally i asked him, "how do you know? nobody believes i'm the settling type". he replies, "that's cos of how you look on the outside". then i paused again and suddenly i said it out loud, "i have a very strong feelin that i will not live long. not because of my decadent lifestyle but because i feel that i'm here to fulfill some duties." i looked at him and questioned what could these duties be? what could they possibly be? life is too tiring to carry on even without all of these questions. he said to me, "it's the sharing of your life that is your duty".

granted. this isn't the first time my brothers and sisters have been telling me that my life will be a great testimony to others out there. this isn't the first time my brothers and sisters have been telling me that with my life stories, i might be able to bring back some estranged siblings of ours as well. i always laughed it off and said my life stories are nothing. nothing compared to others out there. but this morning, i was stumped. really stumped.

i'm tired of this burden.
i'm tired of wondering.
i'm tired of running.

and maybe that's why that verse is stuck in my head. cos sometimes i run, sometimes i hide, sometimes i'm scare of you. but really, Daddy, all i want is to hold You tight.

will You hold me tight and never let me go?

I don’t need a lot of things
I can get by with nothing
Of all the blessings life can bring
I’ve always needed something
But I’ve got all I want
When it comes to loving you
You’re my only reason
You’re my only truth

I need you like water
Like breath, like rain
I need you like mercy
From heaven’s gate
There’s a freedom in your arms
That carries me through
I need you

You’re the hope that moves me
To courage again
You’re the love that rescues me
When the cold winds, rage
And it’s so amazing
’cause that’s just how you are
And I can’t turn back now
’cause you’ve brought me too far

I need you like water
Like breath, like rain
I need you like mercy
From heaven’s gate
There’s a freedom in your arms
That carries me through
I need you
Oh yes I do

I need you like water
Like breath, like rain
I need you like mercy
From heaven’s gate
There’s a freedom in your arms
That carries me through
I need you
Oh yes I do
I need you
I need you

-- taken from LeAnn Rimes' I Need You

hearts 16:07:00
0 spoken words

the sky was gray when i woke up.
went to the temple and see you once again.
when we were about to leave,
the rain started pouring.

i couldn't cry.
there were no more tears.
i couldn't laugh.
there were no more joy.

were you crying above, my dear?
were you sad that you ain't here?
i wish i knew the answers.
for i knew heaven was definitely...

crying for you.

hearts 04:11:00
0 spoken words

Sunday, December 17, 2006

it's your 21st, bud. i got us a matching set of bracelets with both our names on it. nothing fancy. nothing big. just want you to remember me and i've something to hold on in memory of you. i miss you so much. nearly cried at parkway today as i spoke to carol about you. but i remembered my promise. do you remember?

i love you.
remember that.
i love you.


- michael w. smith -

Packing up the dreams God planted
In the fertile soil of you
Can't believe the hopes He's granted
Means a chapter in your life is through
But we'll keep you close as always
It won't even seem you've gone
'Cause our hearts in big and small ways
Will keep the love that keeps us strong

And friends are friends forever
If the Lord's the Lord of them
And a friend will not say never
'Cause the welcome will not end
Though it's hard to let you go
In the Father's hands we know
That a lifetime's not too long to live as friends.

With the faith and love God's given
Springing from the hope we know
We will pray the joy you'll live in
Is the strength that now you show

But we'll keep you close as always
It won't even seem you've gone
'Cause our hearts in big and small ways
Will keep the love that keeps us strong


hearts 05:06:00
0 spoken words

Saturday, December 16, 2006

madness. madness. madness.
i swear even i can't believe i did what i did yesterday.

omg. omg. omg.
i swear please just kill me for being mad.

pure insanity.

hearts 16:53:00
0 spoken words

Friday, December 15, 2006

wednesday: zouk mambo.

went down with jon, junior, jiawen, meijian. ingrid, zhongying, jim and some other friends of friends.

crazy night as usual
triple shot LIT.
some weird peeps asking "can i kiss you?"
and some guy carrying me for no apparent reason.

thursday: st james powerhouse launch.

went down with anna.

a tamed night as compared to the day before.
a tiger beer and some vodka orange.
bumped into wira and edward, the devils' group.
found out that wira is turning 60.

friday: zouk.

gonna go down with ingrid and zhongying.

believe it's gonna be a crazy night.
launch of clinic, cannery and barfly as well.
supposed hen's night at dbl o postponed.
time to party away the booze.

required: a detox program and time to finally check out CSC's gym.

hearts 03:34:00
0 spoken words

Thursday, December 14, 2006

the bitch in me is crawling her way out.
since i woke up, i've just been a complete bitch.

bitch. bitch. bitch.
i'm just such a bitch.

hearts 00:01:00
0 spoken words

Wednesday, December 13, 2006

as i walk away,

can you hear the glass breaking?
can you hear the nose sniffling?
can you hear the droplets falling?
can you hear the feet shuffling?
can you hear the thoughts screaming?

as i walk away.

hearts 15:22:00
0 spoken words

i wanna stop.

then i keep hearing the various possible versions.

but really, does it matter?

i just crave for some stability in life, love and future.
it's not alot to ask for since i'm not getting young.
if the person is unable to give it to me,
why should i even bother to hang around?


the different versions made me ponder.

hearts 05:55:00
0 spoken words

Tuesday, December 12, 2006

my friend says i'm an escapist.
my friend says i just love to run too much.

and i agree.

never have i felt so exhausted.
never have i realised how scary reality is.

hearts 01:50:00
0 spoken words

Monday, December 11, 2006

What Your Soul Really Looks Like

You are quite expressive and thoughtful. You see the world in a way that others are blind to.

You are a very grounded, responsible, and realistic person. People may not want to hear the truth from you, but they're going to get it.

You believe that people see you for how you are, not how you look. But deep down, you know that's not exactly true.

Your near future is calm, relaxing, and pretty much what you want. And it's something you've been anticipating for a while now.

For you, love is all about caring and comfort. You couldn't fall in love with someone you didn't trust.
Inside the Room of Your Soul

hearts 05:05:00
0 spoken words

i don't know why i nearly teared again.

i don't know why. since i agreed to it.

i don't know why.

i really don't.

i should just let it all go..

and be my emoteless robot.

hearts 04:36:00
0 spoken words

Sunday, December 10, 2006

the bride with midnight cowboy, who hasn't slept a wink.

midnight cowboy, o, midnight cowboy. the frills, the do, the look. who are you setting out to charm?


i thought i saw you amidst the chaos.
i thought i saw you smiling back at me.
i thought i hear you say "i'm here, bud".
i thought i hear you say "you look beautiful".

if not for the wine that i indulged myself so sinfully in the entire night, i would have cried. i would have cried out for you. i avoided topics that would make me tear. i avoided topics that i know would set the entire joyous atmosphere to nothing more than yet another morbid scene.

it was mabes' wedding. the photographer looked so much like you. i thought i was seeing the older version of you. i remember walking up to my mum almost immediately and say, "he looks like herng jye". mabes say it's your way of showing that you're there, through and through for me.

i consantly believed that the wound has almost definitely healed a little. it has afterall been more than 5 months. then i thought about 5 months ago and 7 months forward when i'll have to take my personal journey back to singapore for your 1st death anniversary.

i'm gonna turn 24 in 3 years' time.
do you remember the significance of it?

what am i to do when 24 is to be?
who am i to run to for comfort
when you, my guardian angel
is so near yet so very far away.

hearts 16:17:00
0 spoken words

Friday, December 08, 2006

the mambo laydees hitting the club once more.

me with nick and an unidentified orb.

mambo laydees - ingrid and lala - got wasted whilst worrying poor lorette.


welcome back sydney peeps.

finally met up with the sydney peeps. drank my potent long island tea once again, peppered with a few apple shooters, b52, tequila, bourbon and malibu. never had i been so wasted. never had a night been so eventful.

o my mambo laydees.

hearts 06:05:00
0 spoken words

your bro was driving that silver van today. yup. that silver van that you always drove to pick me up for our massive catching up cum supper sessions. when i saw it drive up at specialist shopping centre, i was expecting to see your face then i saw your bro. it was all so familiar.

our roti prata supper sessions.
our chit-chat sessions as we ate.
sugar with the fish curry.

it was the same ol', same ol' but you weren't the person there. went to see you yesterday and i kept my promise. i didn't cry in front of any other man, not even your brother. i still remember scolding myself for making such a silly promise that i can only cry in front of you and no other man but it was you and i couldn't say no to such a promise. you were always looking out for me.

your bro did something that i knew you would do if you were here. was telling your bro that i think it's really stressful to be with someone like me cos i will always have peeps looking out for me. then he said the exact same thing that you would most likely say.

i really miss you.
i really do.

singapore just doesn't feel the same without you here. was talking to my sister about her wedding and how you can't be there. if i ever do get married, buddy, will you please be there? i don't care what the old people say. i don't care about the myths and what nots. i just want you to be there. i want you to see me finally happy, finally settling down cos you know that if there's anybody i want more than anything else to witness any major events in my life - it's you.

i hear your voice in the night.
you telling me that it's time to stop.
time to stop the silly games i play.
time to stop and be more settled.

you said you sent another.
you said it was your will.
you said it was approved.
you said it all and i believe.

for only you know me best.
for only you know my heart.
you know how i'll always listen.
i hear your voice in the night.

hearts 05:03:00
0 spoken words

nick says i've to credit the photographer so here i am to credit the photographer.

this unglam shot of me is taken by nick.

courtesy of miss zhongying's editting, my unglam photo is up for the world to see. weeeeee!

so so wasted.


hearts 04:43:00
0 spoken words

Thursday, December 07, 2006

went to see buddy yesterday.

asked him a few questions and the answers were what i feared most.

i wonder if i got wasted last night cos of the events of the day.
i wonder if i got wasted last night cos of the doubleshot long island tea.
i wonder if i got wasted last night cos it's been well overdue.

i wonder.
i wonder.

but still.

hearts 15:48:00
0 spoken words

Wednesday, December 06, 2006

in less than 12 hours time, i'm gonna see ya again but at a different location.
your brother says that's where you actually reside.
bless me alright?
you know how i always fall sick just stepping into a temple.

bless that i won't fall sick this time round.
cos i don't wanna be sneezing my way through as i cry once again.

i miss you.

I have no armour left. You've stripped it from me. Whatever is left of me - whatever is left of me - whatever I am - I'm yours.

-- James Bond from Casino Royale (2006)

one day. just one day. i hope i can hear someone say this to me and i can say this to someone else.

hearts 05:37:00
0 spoken words

my princess and i - glowing in the sun.

dark warrior princess fooling around.

my bikini finally came out of the closet to soak in the sun.

is warrior princess making fun of me?

looking all fresh after a good ol' swim.

hearts 05:35:00
0 spoken words

Monday, December 04, 2006

mr. black, o, mr. black.
has the sizzle truly fizzled
or has time left us frazzled.

mr. waterfall called again today. finally picked up his call. told me that he's on reservist in aussie and said he'll call me when he touch down.

mr. waterfall, will you make me your special waterfall once again and listen to my woes as you give your brotherly advice.

secret thoughts revealed.

hearts 03:11:00
0 spoken words

Sunday, December 03, 2006

mr. waterfall called midnight cowboy today but she wasn't available and missed the call.
he's in aussie now for a short trip and will be back on tuesday.

will midnight cowboy meet up with mr. waterfall?

heh. she needs her brother in crime soon enough anyhoo.

and soon, midnight cowboy is to meet mr. black.
will he stand her up again as usual?

midnight cowboy misses another.
but she knows where she stands
and so she silently keeps away.

she just silently prays and wish
that he's happy with the other.
midnight cowboy only ask for this much.

hearts 06:24:00
0 spoken words

Saturday, December 02, 2006

mr. black is finally available to meet midnight cowboy.
it has been more than a year since they last met.
it has been more than 2 years since they parted ways due to each's ambitions and goals in life.

midnight cowboy does miss mr. black.
and finally, she's gonna meet him.

hearts 15:12:00
0 spoken words

just found out from my friend that his brother committed suicide on my 21st.

i really hate this year.

fucked up 21st.

hearts 02:24:00
0 spoken words

Friday, December 01, 2006

5th month.

it has been 5 months. last night, at about the time you passed away, i started having really bad cramps and i was with your brother. he tried comforting me, tried easing the pain. i was really grateful but really, i wish it was you. i miss how you would scold me for drinking so much. i miss how you would get upset when i told you i haven't eaten for the day. i miss it all and it has been 5 months, 5 months since everything came to naught.

i'm gonna see you soon. i promise. i know i promised to see you today but carol wants to see you on sat/sun and i thought i would go along with them instead. but i promise you this most definitely, i will be there on the 17th dec, 1st jan, 1st feb and every other days in between whenever i miss you.

i miss you.

something isn't right here.
you've gone and left me on the ground.

hearts 15:12:00
0 spoken words