i was upset at M's initial response to the whole wedding thing but when i was truly in doubt and all, he spoke to me and advised me to think things through rationally. he may not have given me the most joyous response in receiving the news but i guess, in times of need, i can still count on him. however, i can't say that for some other friends in my life. was talking to my man a while back, when i was giving myself some time off from essays and assignments, about how to keep our guest-list within a certain limit. when it comes to family, we know we will have no say as to how extended our parents would like to invite but when it comes to friends, we can exercise some control over it.

we started talking about which group of friends we'll like to invite and the possible number we're looking at. i then told him very honestly then that i would like to invite this particular group of friends but i will probably not reserve any seats for them until the night itself when they show up. he asked me why and i found myself unable to phrase the reason in a more diplomatic manner. the reason is that this group of friends would relish on the fact that they are invited but rarely do they turn up. after so many years of friendship, i've grown tired of their antics and decided that i'll do my part in inviting them but will never hold out that they'll show up. most of time, they will say "yeah. we'll be there" but they'll never turn up. so he asked me, then why bother inviting them even? and i couldn't answer.

i have many friends. but only a handful of them are really friends. the term 'friend' has no proper meaning anymore. the term for these individuals should appropriately be acquaintances rather than friends. am i upset at how cheap most of my friendships are? yes. i am. i would like to think i've done my part in these friendships, though i also realise that there are peeps who are only friends with you cos you provide them with some form of benefits. i call them my selfish group of friends. still, i'm grateful that i do have friends that i can count on.

and my mum once said to me, upon learning of herng jye's death, that i'm lucky cos at least in this lifetime, i know i found a friend who saw and treated me like a true friend would. the friendship was cut short but at least i can say, i had a true friend who was there for me and trusted me enough to let me be there for him, when he could. so now, i can only look up into the night's sky and hope he's somewhere out there watching over me, still there for me, and be there for me on that special day cos his presence will mean so much to me.

he asked to talk about the whole thing tonight, but at the back of my head, i've already came to the conclusion that the union is off.

we started off as friends. we were good as friends. when we progressed to the next stage, i'm sorry that i wasn't good enough for you. i'm sorry that i allowed myself to lose my dignity, self-love and your respect for me when i tried to hold on to our relationship. it took a huge wake-up call for me to realise that i have made myself too available to you that i was simply a nobody to you. i thought, foolishly, maybe being back to where we started 10 years ago would be great for us. the friendship we had then was something i truly treasured, past but maybe not now.

i honestly thought that maybe you'll begin to see me as a friend again and treat me somewhat similar to how you treat your other friends. but i was wrong. i was still just another dirtbag to you. you choose when and how you like things to be done. random messages telling me how lucky your then girlfriend was to have you; little surprises that you made for her; even freaking random 5am messages when my man was here for a visit; i was fine with all that because i truly believed that you saw me as a friend and wanted to share your joy with me that you've found someone perfect for you, or that you were just bored and was reaching out to someone. to be honest, i was initially hurt when i first found out about your then girlfriend 4 years back but i moved on and began to feel truly happy for you that you may have found your perfect someone.

i must have been blind or overly tolerant towards you cos it took me 3 years to realise that you never truly saw me as a friend. the news that i wanted to share with you since last year, which was also shared to other dear friends of mine, were received and returned with much reluctance and hesitance. for a moment, i could sense a hint of disgust that i would even bother sharing this piece of news to you. other friends of mine, whether they were going through sorrow or joy in their life, all managed a decent heartfelt congratulatory note of joy. they managed to put aside their problems for that one moment, to bask in the joy with me. but you. oh no, you'll never. it didn't matter if this joy is once in a lifetime. to you, if you're not joyful, whatever news i share will be a bothersome piece of crap. sharing with you my joy was something i was hoping i could do cos i saw you as a friend who mattered to me. but you made me realise that i can never be that kinda friend to you; that maybe to you, i don't deserve to be happy.

4 years ago, i thought maybe being friends with you again would be a great idea. 4 years now, i'm not so sure anymore. i was sorry for being a pest in your life 7-8 years ago. i'm not sorry that you're unhappy now. until you can decently see me as a friend again, i'm done tolerating you.

not when i've been staring at search engines after search engines to finish up a ridiculous 3 working days legal research assignment.

there's no tolerance in my bones.

not when i've been working my ass off trying to figure out what banking law is all about so that i can write an essay on it after the above-mentioned.

there's no joy in my bones.

not when all i see on my calendar are assignments after assignments in orange staring right back at me, with another to be added on tuesday.

there's no love in my bones.

not when all i can spew out right now are hateful statements whilst trying to figure out why i'm still in the university studying my ass off at 25.

but then there's gratitude in my bones.

in that i would not be able to study abroad and have the opportunities in life if you hadn't gone through all of the above first, with your life partner of course, for us.

happy mother's day.

what i've said yesterday may not have sat down well with you, but i had to. i may have been too harsh and a little too blunt with you, but i hope you understand that i truly meant well. i can't speak for her but on my part, i hope you understand that i truly wanted to see you out of the loop. this morning i woke up and realised that what i said may not be completely right but at the same time, i couldn't bear to see you go through it all over again, like a vicious cycle that just won't stop.

i realised that, maybe this was something that you had to learn on your own and maybe that's why you got upset. what you considered to be your "best interests" may not have been what we considered to be in your "best interests". we are two individuals on two different sides of the fence and what i see may not be what you see and vice versa. i realised now that i should not be making the decisions for you. it's up to you to make this decision. but like all friends who only want the best for the dearest peeps in their life, like you would have wanted for me, i had to be blunt so that, maybe, you'll see things from a different point of view.

so now that everything has been said and done, i just want you to know that i love you dearly and truly care for you. i'm sorry for the blow-up yesterday but hopefully, someday you'll understand that i meant well and truly wanted to look out for you. like you will want the best for me, and the rest of us, i, and i believe them too, only want the best for you.

with lots of love,

your contrite friend.