mum and aud was in sydney for the past 9 days and they just left this afternoon.

the apartment feels a little empty and i admit, i did cry.

after almost 5 years abroad, i'm seriously missing home a little more than i should.

when june/july comes around, there will be more to be discussed.

hopefully, home will come to me if i can't return, soon.

but this came to an end. as with all good things, it came to an abrupt end. the drama that was ever so present in my life at that point in time, which spurred my creative output, had left the building and i've been living in a relatively calm rhythm of life, rather than the constant ups and downs. and i guess like how everyone thinks the other pasture is always greener, i begin to miss my old life. the life of constantly not knowing, constantly second-guessing and constantly wondering when will i have my happily ever after. but i know i'm not happy there. i know i'm happy where i am now so why am i feeling this way?

i'm probably, actually, really addicted. for a while, i had my constant source of drama through other means but now that i'm sitting on a plateau, i'm having withdrawal symptoms. the dramas in my life were not simply there; it was there to give me my highs and my lows. some peeps do adrenalin-pumping activities; some peeps do alcohol or drugs; i do drama. will i ever be content? will i ever be satisfied? will i ever be truly happy? i don't think i'll ever know but i do hope that i will, so that i can avoid the possibility of just settling.

so i guess i'll just sit here now, with a glass of fine cognac on the rocks, and wonder who am i supposed to be as i stare into the night sky.