happy birthday to myself. :)

i just pray and hope that i won't break down like last year again.
and i miss my laydees and my man.
wish they're here to go crazy drinking with me.

:)

hearts 01:36:00
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peeps have been asking me why am i traumatised and what made me traumatised.

there were 2 incidents that occurred that left me rather traumatised for days, even weeks.
the first, i cannot mention in public cos i'm unable to identify who did the deed as yet.

the second occurred when i was having my 3rd driving lesson at redfern in the evening. for those living in sydney, they will understand that it's quite a dangerous business to be driving around redfern at that hour but, even with a mugging incident and an attempted break-in, i never questioned about the safety. i was too complacent into thinking that i'm sheltered by the car.

whilst driving along the streets of redfern, my instructor got me to turn into this particular alley. as i straightened my car, a kid appeared right in front of the vehicle and did not budge. to prevent the kid from being run over, i stopped the car. he, however, did not move. he just stood there and stared at me straight in my eyes. the next thing i knew, my instructor was screaming at me to accelerate. i got a shock and said that there's a kid in front and began to wonder if i was seeing the dead once again. but she won't have any of it. even as i step on the acceleration, the kid still refuses to budge and, thankfully, my skilled instructor managed to steer us out and onto another street.

she then explained to me that the kid was a member of a street armed bandits gang, who preyed on vulnerable individuals such as petite asian ladies. she asked me if i noticed the group of kids, who was on the left footpath, just metres away from the car and i said yes. she then told me, they were armed with wooden bats, metal scooters and golf clubs. the kid that stood in front was a decoy. his purpose was to stop the car in its tracks and the rest would smash the windows of the cars and grab us through it. they would beat us up to make us defenseless and then rob us.

i was extremely shocked and barely managing to reply that the kid looked only 7-9 years of age. she told me that world isn't as innocent as i think it is. there are evils in this world, even in children, that we are unaware of. she then further explained to me that this is a very common sight and it doesn't matter where you're at. then the part came where my moral dilemma kicked in, she told me that there have been situations where drivers ran over these kids, with one particular incident which resulted in the kid's death, cos they had no other defences. she told me that if i do face this situation again and i was trapped, i should run over the kid.

i remained shock and i couldn't drive in that area any further. my fingers went number whenever i hear the sounds of children ringing in the evening air. at every corner, every street, every lane, every road, i was checking my side mirrors, rear mirrors and everywhere around me. i was so afraid that these kids would reappear again and i'll have to perform the unimaginable deed of running them over.

but i'm still gonna learn how to drive and i'm very grateful to the Lord for my wise and skilled instructor, who saved us in the nick of time. i'm extremely grateful to dav and my man for trying to calm me down after the incident. i'm sorry if i've worried my family, dav and my man. i'll have to put this incident behind me and learn from it. still, it's unimaginable that a kid so young, is capable of such organised crime, such brutality and blatant disregard for his/her life.

hearts 01:50:00
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heya buddy,

it's been quite a while, hasn't it? more than a year has passed since you left and i'm still struggling to reconcile the ashes that's all that remains of you physically, to the man i knew for so long. my birthday is coming up in just a week's time and i wonder if you'll be here with me as i bring in my 22nd year.

22. remember how when we were 18, we talked about certain things in our lives? do you remember the 6 years pact that we made? well, i still remember and it's only 2 years more to that date. even as i try to let go of the fact that you never had your 21st celebration and the many years to come, the thought still haunts me that i will be alone.

i thought i've finally let the matter rest till i find myself breaking down almost daily now since the image of that wooden box with you in it, was pushed to fiery pits. i still recall how all of us screamed for you to avoid the flames and how we all cried for the man we got to know, love and, hopefully, cherish. that image is stuck firmly in my head and no matter how i beg for it to leave, it won't.

where have you gone to? i haven't been feeling your presence of late. have you really gone away for good? please don't. please don't leave me behind, like how you did just 1 year ago. i'm still struggling. i'm still not well. my soul has been painted blue for many years and your departure has just made it a darker shade and a more permanent ink stain. please don't leave me, i beg you.

i'm still struggling to understand how you could have done what you did. i remember how you persuaded me, coaxed me, talked to me, comforted me as i fought with my own demons. i remember how you scolded me for my foolish suicidal thoughts that plagued me ever so often. i don't understand. i just don't. what is it in this world that made you wanna leave so bad? was our bond not sufficient to keep you hangin' around?

nelson asked me to marry him recently and though, we wanted it earlier, my mum didn't think it was wise. i wonder what your take on it would be. yet the thought of marriage without your presence cuts. you were my confidante, the one man i knew i could trust with my life. i know i still have many friends surrounding me with their support but it's just not the same. nelson must have gotten a scare the other night when i just suddenly blurted that you're still alive, that you're just hiding and how once everything is blown over, you'll be back in all our presence once again. he had to tell me that this can never happen but why, why can't it happen?

i miss you so much. my heart has closed up so much. i refuse to make new friends, i refuse to allow any vulnerabilities to seep through this invisible wall. your leaving caused me so much hurt and pain that i don't think i can ever allow anyone completely into my life again. how am i to trust another when the man i trusted most, left me behind cos of a moment of folly? i don't know how i can do it.

my birthday is coming up. you said that you would spent my 21st birthday with me but i ended in bittersweet tears as i was presented with the cake marked with your name by jess. now, a year has passed and still, i see no joy in it. i want time to stop. i want time to reverse. i want time to cease. if the lady in white that i've been seeing is my angel of death in disguise, tell me.

i hope Daddy is taking care of you well but please do come and visit me soon. i'm scared and alone in this world, learning to grow up on my own and being forced into realisation the fragility of life. now that death has stared me in the face with your passing, he is no longer a foe but a friend, a bridge that i know will bring me back to you.

i love you always.

in my heart, my soul and my memories always,
your bud.

hearts 12:03:00
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hearts 17:08:00
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with the revelation of events, my faith in you has taken a major dip.
still, i chose to stand by you for as long as i can.

if God will have mercy and deliver us from this test,
allowing us to stay together in our bid to grow old with each other,
you still have loads to prove to my family and most importantly, myself.

if God decides to take us to the test,
causing us the dilemma of staying or to leave,
you already know what is required of you.

i love you and though my mum might think of it as foolish
but the agreement between you and i are set.
the nuptials will be put on hold till i can have complete faith in you again.

the second chance has been given.
cherish it and pray that God will have mercy
on us.

hearts 03:56:00
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some cast doubts that we are rushing into matters.
some have shared our joy.

in life, there will always be risks that we have to take.
this is just one of them.

my biggest gamble in life will most definitely be
when i sign those dotted lines on that contract.

and pray that it'll pay off.

hearts 02:06:00
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the bells are in the air.
the plans are made.
those who know, i'm happy to share my joy.

:)

i still can't believe i said yes. :D

hearts 18:26:00
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hearts 01:06:00
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finally put aside my phobia of driving and gave focus driving school a call to arrange for my first driving lesson. i decided to try driving a manual car cos my man was telling me that i could drive his car if i got a manual licence. lol.

now, i'm just praying that i don't kill anybody. :x

hearts 18:25:00
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Yea yea
Dancin' in the dark middle of the night
Takin' your heart and holdin' it tight
Emotional touch touchin' my skin
And asking you to do what you've been doin' all over again

Oh it's a beautiful thing don't think I can keep it all in
I just gotta let you know what it is that won't let me go

It's your love
It just does something to me
It sends a shock right through me
I can't get enough
And if you wonder
About the spell I'm under
Oh it's your love

Better than I was, more than I am
And all of this happened by taking your hand
And who I am now is who I wanted to be
And now that we're together,
I'm stronger than ever
I'm happy and free

Oh it's a beautiful thing,
Don't think I can keep it all in
If you asked me why I've changed,
All I gotta do is say your sweet name

It's your love
It just does something to me
It sends a shock right through me
I can't get enough
And if you wonder
About the spell I'm under
Oh, it's your love

Baby, Oh oh, oh,

Oh it's a beautiful thing,
Don't think I can keep it all in
I just gotta let you konw what it is that won't let me go

It's your love
It just does something to me
It sends a shock right through me
I can't get enough
And if you wonder
About the spell I'm under,
Oh it's your love
It's your love, it's your love, it's your love

-- Tim McGraw feat. Faith Hill's It's Your Love

hearts 23:58:00
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