for a person who does not normally cry,
for a person who thinks crying is a sign of vulnerability,
for a person who believes tears are too valuable to be shed at silly little events,

i am guilty of it.

the moment i left his side, i just wanted to cry so badly. teared on the flight; struggled whilst i called him to let him know that i've safely arrived in sydney; choking back my tears as i called him from my room; the eventual breakdown as we tried to say goodbye in a bid for me to get an early rest.

my crazy man.
my lovely man.
my caring man.

you're my rock, my pillar, my love and i really hate to be apart from you. i miss you teasing me, hugging me, kissing me and all. but most of all, i miss you.

i love you baby. :)

hearts 11:50:00
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in a heartbeat...

if i could, i would be back by your side, cuddled up against your chest and lying in bed, just watching tv or listening to your "love love love" song.
if i could, i would take the flight home whenever you miss me or i miss you.
if i could, i would fast-track time to make 4 years into 4 days and be back in your arms.
if i could, i would see you working here and we spend all our nights together.
if i could, i would be there for your every performance and every event.

if i could, i would... in a heartbeat.

hearts 22:52:00
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Stockholm Syndrome Relationships

after reading a similar article in her world as i did my manicure and pedicure at nail arts, i was astounded by the number of times that i went, "OMG! i went through this" or "this sounds familiar". i believe a few of my friends will also find this very, very true for some of their past relationships.

scary.

hearts 19:15:00
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hearts 12:35:00
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Top draw for overseas grads who return: '2 Fs'

after reading the straits time article, which featured four individuals who all expressed that they will return home eventually cos "blood is thicker than water. you can always count on your family to be there for you". honestly, i was rather convinced that maybe, ultimately, after graduating and completing my PSP, i should return home cos after all, my family and friends are here.

then yesterday, i realised why i really desire to leave this country, if not for my family and friends. i remembered a comment made by a particular leader, who visited singapore quite a few years back (when Goh Chok Tong was still holding PM positition), about how singapore is a world-class country with third class citizens. in terms of grace and etiquette, how far have we gone since the courtesy campaigns were still ringing loud with banners on the streets?

in phuture last night, i must have yelled my lungs out at the numerous individuals, who somehow finds pleasure in shoving and stepping on to another's shoes without having the courtesy of saying sorry or excuse me. unable to take such pure disregard for courtesy and there's no way i'm gonna allow anyone to say, "this is a club so just get used to it", i screamed at this bunch of grace-less individuals. they must have gotten really pissed at this bitch here but i couldn't be bothered.

i'm a simple lady. you wanna pass through, the right words to say are "SORRY! EXCUSE ME!" in that noisy and crowded environment. if you stepped on my toe by accident (i'm sure you're able to feel that you're not stepping on normal grounds unless you're THAT wasted. if you are, you should be carried out, not walking), the right words to say are "SORRY!"

seriously, is it that difficult to extend that 1-3 simple words in this society? my mum always chides me when i failed to do so when i was young by saying, "do you have gold bars in your mouth that you can't open them to say a simple "please" or "excuse me"?" apparently, this is so for most of the singaporeans that crowds the floor in phuture and boiler room, which i had a similar incident with a guy who obviously just wanted to be an irritant.

i'm not staying here in such a society, despite my family and friends, and raise a potential family in the midst of such people! what rudeness. courtesy in singapore has degraded to nothing more than dust, and my man was telling me that it doesn't matter what i say, cos i have no voice in this society. but this is my space and this is my voice. i'll let it be heard.

hearts 14:26:00
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the results are back - it's benign so it means i can delay till i die! :D

after reading zhongying's blog yesterday and telling my man how i needed to start saving and activate my creative juices, my man suddenly asked me (probably cheekily albeit being a little serious) when i will marry him. i looked at him and i laughed. ok. i was being mean but i was completely caught off-guard. then i asked him if he was serious about the question and he just shrugged away.

sensing a bruised ego, i went up to him and asked him if he was really serious about the question once again. he said it was just a casual-serious question and he asked me again with a serious face. i told him, in all honesty, i will only marry once i'm stable in my career (yes, i'm a female.) and my finances are stable (look, i really am female!). then i asked him the same question and he said when the time is right and that he can do it anytime, even if it's like today. i was going like, "huh? but we've only known each other for slightly more than 6 months and been together for slightly less than that. are you crazy?"

he even asked me amidst all the semi-casual talks, whether we'll survive living together. i can't remember my exact answer but i think i said we will be fine, as long as there's no more tattoo addition after his new tat is done.

my luggage is still not packed and my mum has been hounding me to get it packed.
my man said he will help me pack it.
just slightly less than 5 days left.
suddenly, i don't wanna leave.

hearts 17:49:00
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my return back to singapore has been filled with visits to pine-smelling venues.

on wednesday, my poor man had to take an emergency trip back home during his lunch break to get his car. he needed to send me to the doc's after my headache, which i've been having since sunday, became so severe that i couldn't sleep, eat and was extremely nauseous. i was warned by the doctor that if the pain persists after taking my dear old synflex, i had better check myself in to the hospital. my man was furious when i decided to go clubbing instead and threatened to send me to the hospital today. but of course, i escaped once again despite the pain.

on tuesday, i had an appointment with the breast surgeon at changi general hospital. those who are really close to me would have known by now why i had that damned appointment so now i'm sharing it with the rest of my readers, which i believe is zilch, cos i'm bored out of my wits. i had the most painful fucking procedure ever done which involved a fine needle and my right areola. the idea that it was going to be fucking painful was implanted in my head the moment the lady doc asked me how's my threshold for pain and i was like damn it, how the fuck am i supposed to know? so yes, a test is done on the lump to see if it truly isn't cancerous and if so, i will be able to put off surgery till next year or even till i die. but this will only be known next week.

then of course, there was last monday, when i was asked by my doctor to go for an ultrasound scan for a lump that was detected in my right breast. seriously, it was a damn disgusting procedure. the goo-ey liquid thingy was so gross and i thought to myself, "i just showered and i'm being smeared with some disgusting liquid". it was fucking gross but it was quite cool as i watch the monitor whilst the radiologist did her thing to look for the lump.

so pardon me if i haven't been exactly friendly or updating much, i've had quite a handful to deal with. my man, too, had quite a bit to handle, especially with my obstinate decision to never have the surgery done, whether or not it's cancerous, till december. my mum must be completely going berserk within cos after my visit to changi general hospital and finding out that i'm on the pill (for the purpose of regulation!), she said to me, "you better know what you're doing".

aside from all of these bullshit, my man and i managed to take some time off the city landscape and checked into siloso beach resort for a nice night away, chilling out at cafe del mar. cuddling up against each other whilst checking out the new attraction - songs of the sea. anyhoo, do check out siloso beach resort (which was recommended to us by dennis!) for a great getaway. i'm now trying to convince my man to book it for a weekend on our 1st anniversary and to book it fast cos of the fucking date we got together on.

10 more days to winter and school starts next monday.
i want my distinctions this time round.
argh.
fucking results and this holiday has been interesting, of sorts.

hearts 03:52:00
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after the long talk yesterday,
i wondered in my dreams and in my waking mind,
is the distance a possibility?

you said that you wanna give it a shot.
you said that you are afraid as well.
you said that you will try your best.

woke up with a sick feeling in my gut.
don't know if i can do it still.
it's tiring, too tiring...

but if you truly believe, i'll still give it my best.

hearts 14:07:00
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got my results today.
was quite disappointed in them.

o well, i'll just have to do better next time. :(

hearts 03:05:00
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this is like the 3rd time i have to do something like that.
and they say 3rd time's a charm when things goes wrong the first couple of times.

but it has been right so far, or has it really?
so would the 3rd time be the link between that letter you sent me and its content?

i don't know what to pray for,
cos i can't be selfish all the time.
yet, i do wish to be...
yet, i don't wish to be...

hearts 01:16:00
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i miss you
and that wound
seems to be hurting
yet again.

like rubbing salt onto wound, returning to singapore only makes me wanna run away from her more and more.

hearts 04:16:00
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ktv room booked at chinese swimming club.
this saturday 7th July 2007 from 8pm.

laydees, you're booked! :D

hearts 23:48:00
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at 0130hrs this morning, i was awake and i recounted the incident that happened just over a year ago, 52 weeks ago, 365 days ago and how my heart broke.

at 2230hrs today, i shall walk down tampines once again and re-live the moments of blissful ignorance before my heart shattered into a million pieces.

it has been a year since you left us, me in this cold cold world. answers are still being searched and questions are still in the air. however, most of us are probably realising that we can't stay in that same spot for long. we appear to move on but we are still there, in that single moment that left us a different person in our shells altogether.

i wish i could cry but my heart is so dead now. i'm like a zombie walking through the days and nights of this world. it doesn't even seem to me that you're gone. like what carol said, it's as if you simply took off a plane and decided to take a permanent residency there...

you said i will see you soon. it has been quite a while now and i still don't know where you are.

i miss you, please come home...

hearts 14:19:00
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