28 more days!
28 more days to the day my baby is here!
28 more days!

:D

hearts 17:07:00
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hearts 16:55:00
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my health has taken a beating.
as of today, i'm on medical leave till this week's done.
yes, you heard me right. i'm on a week's medical leave.
doc's doesn't want me out of the house unnecessarily,
says my asthma might get triggered cos of the change in weather.

so yes, i'm down.
down for an entire week. :(

hearts 17:24:00
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woke up today and managed to catch this man, whom i see as an elder brother, for a conversation. after the brief conversation, i started to think back on my own perspective on the issue at hand and wondered, as a female, would i have done the same? the issue in question is - shotgun marriages.

to date, i think i've known at least 5 marriages that occured due to the above issue. most of the time, i'm filled with joy within for these peeps, for marriage can be a truly beautiful union. however, at times i do worry. i worry if they are marrying cos they want to or cos they have to. it's quite a scary thought for me.

it might be due to the fact that i've been bumming at home, reading up my notes and finishing up my assignments, my brain became so freakingly active that i started thinking: "what if i was one of the two involved in such a matter, would i have done the same?" my initial reaction, honestly, was no. i would not. if i ever do get married, i wanna do it cos i wanna get married to that individual and not cos of an obligation to marry. i paused for a while after that, and started wondering why i would have such a stand. my mind just started drifting to the past...

i recalled how i used to tell a friend of mine, i believe it's peifang, that if i ever do get married first, it must be due to shotgun. if not, i'm probably the last of the lot of five then, to ever marry. then i started recalling how i once had a conversation with mervin that probably changed my entire perspective of thinking on shotgun marriages permanently. during the conversation, i began asking him what he would do if i was to fall pregnant with his kid. he probably took a while to think about it or maybe none at all (i can't recall) but his answer was that he would ask me to go for an abortion. i was really upset and asked him why. he revealed that his financial situation at that time was just not sufficient for him to support a family and feels that abortion is the best solution.

for those peeps out there who know me well enough, they should know i'm dead set against abortion. i'm a pro-life individual. why? cos i believe that no one, and i mean, NO ONE has the right to remove the rights of an individual to live. this is debatable, of course. how do you determine if a foetus is considered an individual with rights? what constitutes to being a person? my point of view is that as long as it's viable for the individual to have a shot in life (meaning no major deformities that will seriously impede the child's growth, intellectuality and survival in the real world when he/she eventually grows up), no one should deprive them of that chance.

after that conversation with mervin, my mind was definitely set. i would never get married due to shotgun, whether or not the other party is willing to share the responsibility. cos i'll never know if one day, this responsibilty will turn into a burden for the other party. i rather bring the kid to Earth and raise it on my own than to see him/her being potentially neglected by a father figure that's never there; i rather bring the kid to Earth and let a loving and supportive couple adopt him/her to ensure him/her a life that he/she deserves. i was very adamant about this.

then i recalled a recent conversation i had with bird. about the above circumstance and asked what he would have done. he replied that with his current age and financial situation, he would marry the girl. now, i got upset again and i asked him why would you marry someone out of obligation? that's just wrong. he looked at me, bewildered i guess, and said that he's not marrying the girl out of obligation. fair enough that there's a kid in tow but he is taking that step only cos he knows he loves the girl as well. but honestly, how would you know that you're truly marrying for love and not for that extra baggage? i don't think anyone would ever know.

say if you remove the kid from the equation, there's just the both of you. would you have popped the question? i doubt so. for most cases, i see most peeps being popped the question only cos of circumstance. they HAD to and not cos they want to. marriage is truly getting to be an extremely fearful object of union to me. law-binding, contractual and all. it has become a tangible union...

at the end of it, i guess marriage is just not my cup of tea. but bird would add, the time is just not right yet.

hearts 17:24:00
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wedding bells ringing in the air,
the overgrown child began to crave.
a deep crave for some stability,
a stability that contradicts her being.

brushing it off as whims and fancies,
a brat's desire for what she doesn't have.
jealousy that encaged her vision,
a vision so narrow that kills her soul.

what can a child comprehend,
especially the affairs of the adults.
the child resides in an old house,
a house that will own her one day.

hearts 22:37:00
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my blogthings of the week.

You Communicate Like a Woman

You empathize, talk things out, and express your emotions freely. You're a good listener, and you're non-judgmental with your advice. Communication is how you connect with people. You're always up for a long talk, no matter how difficult the subject matter is.

You Are Emerald Green

Deep and mysterious, it often seems like no one truly gets you. Inside, you are very emotional and moody - though you don't let it show. People usually have a strong reaction to you... profound love or deep hate. But you can even get those who hate you to come around. There's something naturally harmonious about you.

You Are Very Skeptical

Your personal motto is: "Prove it." While some ideas, like life after death, may seem nice... You aren't going to believe them simply because it feels good. You let science and facts be your guide... Even if it means you don't share the beliefs of those around you.

You Mostly Have Your Emotions in Check

Sometimes your emotions get out of control, but you usually are a pretty stable person. You can find a lot to be happy about, as long as things are going your way. But if a few bad things happen to you, you tend to go in a bit of a downward spiral. Luckily, you usually come out of it okay and no worse for the wear.

You Are 49% Burned Out

You're fairly burned out, and it shows. You probably have been feeling a little rundown and irritable lately. If you can, drop a few of your minor responsibilities and focus on what's really important. You have too much on your plate, and it's catching up with you.

Your Ex is Histrionic

Your ex is hot and cold - a total drama queen or king. Your ex can't survive without tons of dramatics, attention, and approval. People with histrionic personality disorder are inappropriately seductive, prone to rapid mood swings, and rash decision makers. Sound at all familiar?

not very true but o well. heh. did it for fun. :D

Your Kissing Purity Score: 29% Pure

You're not one to kiss and tell... But word is, you kiss pretty well.

hearts 23:00:00
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hearts 00:45:00
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this morning i woke up feeling very blessed.

i'm blessed with a loving boyfriend who will do all that he can to talk to me on the phone or on skype daily, text me every now and then just to show his care and concern. despite my flaws, he still trust me and constantly reassures me. he loves me for who i am. i'm so blessed.

i'm blessed with my two lovely mambo laydees, whom i know that if anything was to go wrong, they'll be standing by my side, supporting me through like i would be supporting them. whom i miss so dearly every single day and night and praying that all will be well for them. i'm really very blessed.

i'm blessed with a doting housemate, who never fails to listen whenever i meet some really silly crisis that i created within my mind. who loves me as who i am and never doubted my value and worth. i'm terribly blessed.

i'm blessed with beautiful friends, be it that they are in sydney or in singapore, who willingly put up with my whines, whim and fancy. trusts me with their issues in life and love me as i love them. i'm very very blessed.

i'm blessed with a supportive family. though we have our differences, i know that when crunch time comes, they will be there, as always to see me through it. they were the first friends i had and i love them all the same. i'm truly blessed.

most importantly, i was blessed with having herng jye as my buddy. who guided me when i was lost. who held my hands to comfort me. who was the first to love and accept me for who i am, other than my family. who never lose faith in me. though he's no longer on this earth, breathing the same air as me, i am blessed, forever blessed by this man whom i've came to love so dearly and whom my heart will always love and adore. he blessed me with his love and this blessing will never end.

i'm so so blessed by good ol' Daddy. i love You, for giving me so many beautiful gifts that i took so long to realise and most importantly, for loving me despite all that i've done. You are my savior, my blessed Lamb, my Lord and my Christ. :)

hearts 17:12:00
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li lien, don't know if i'm the clara you're referring to on your blog but i do read your blog so here it is!

[my name is]: clara
[in the morning i am]: frantically hitting my alarm's snooze button and contemplating to wake or sleep.
[all i need is]: discipline
[i’m afraid of]: my past
[i dream about] lately, it has been more nightmares than dreams.

favourites
[colour]: black, white, navy blue, teal, pink, orange, green.
[number]: 0
[subject]: theatre & performance studies
[clothing brand]: gg>5 but their stuff are so expensive. :(
[shoe brand]: i honestly don't have much of a preference.
[sport to play]: swimming
[drink]: water/alcohol/milk
[animal]: dog
[holiday]: anyway by the beach. :)
[favourite line from a movie] : "It is remarkable how similar the pattern of love is to the pattern of insanity" by Merovingian from the Matrix Revolutions
[band]: no particular favorites at the moment.

who..
[makes you laugh the most]: bird. :)
[makes you smile]: all my friends.
[gives you a funny feeling when you see them]: some stranger who tries to be funny.
[has a crush on you]: not that i know
[easiest to talk to]: my mambo laydees - ingrid and zhongying, dav, nick and baby.

do you ever..
[sit on the internet all day waiting for someone special to i.m. you?]: yep.
[save aol/aim conversations]: yes.
[wish you were a member of the opposite sex]: yes.
[cry because of someone saying something to you]: yes.

have you ever..
[fallen for your best friend]: yes.
[been rejected]: yes
[rejected someone]: yes
[used someone]: yes.
[been cheated on]: yes.
[done something you regret]: yes.

who was the last person
[you talked to on the phone]: dav.
[hugged]: blues, the dog plushie my bud gave me.
[you instant messaged]: alvin.
[you laughed with]: must be one of the girls, if not, baby.

do you / are you
[smoke cigarettes]: yes. stopping actually.
[obsessive]: i could get obsessive, of the stuff i want.
[could you live without the computer]: i could, if there's no internet.
[how many peeps are on your buddylist]: i've no freaking idea.
[what’s your favorite food]: right now, i'm craving for my wanton mee.
[fruit]: do you fruit? are you fruit? what's this question suppose to mean?
[drink alcohol]: yes.
[like watching sunrises or sunset]: sunset
[trust others way too easily]: no

number..
[of times u have had your heart broken]: enough to make me jaded.
[of hearts u have broken]: all's fair in game and play.
[of continents I have lived in]: two
[of drugs taken illegally]: no.
[of tight friends]: 4
[of cds that i own]: God knows. i buy them, i rip them into my lappie, i lose them. :(
[of books]: i have no idea as well, i know i just added another 13 to them.
[of scars on my body]: i have no idea as well!
[of things in my past that I regret]: enough to keep me occupied for the rest of my life.

pick one..
[marry perfect friend or perfect lover]: perfect lover cos my perfect lover has to be my perfect friend. but really, i would rather choose not to marry in my current state of mind.
[cats or dogs]: dogs.
[1 or 2 pillows]: two.
[with or without ice cubes]: with
[top or bottom]: bottom.
[winter / spring / summer / fall]: fall
[night or day]: night
[gloves or mittens]: gloves
[dressed or undressed]: dressed.
[bunk or water bed: bunk
[mtv or vh1]: mtv
[ocean or pool]: ocean
[showers or baths]: baths
[love or lust]: love.
[silver or gold]: silver.
[diamonds or pearls]: diamonds are a girl’s best friend (i couldn't agree more with you, li lien!)

if you could..
[move anywhere]: i don't know. haven't really found a place where i state for definite, "omg. i must live here."
[meet one famous person]: dead or alive? dead: princess diana. alive: johnny depp or robbie williams.
[live with one person the rest of your life]: myself. the rest are just too uncertain.
[name one thing you love]: my plushies.
[name one thing that embarrasses you:]: myself.

lastly
[do you like school]: it's fine till i've to read like tons of fucking shits.
[do you like to talk on the telephone]: yes.
[do you like to dance]: yes.
[do you sing in the shower]: at times.
[do you think cheerleading is a sport]: yes
[what’s on your ceiling]: just one light and a sprinkler.
[what’s the hardest thing about growing up]: losing my buddy.

hearts 23:45:00
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hearts 00:57:00
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it's kievan's birthday today.

happy 2nd birthday little one. :)

hearts 18:02:00
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when clara is bored, she goes to blogthings to do random quizzes and here she goes again...

Your Love Type: ENTP

The Visionary In love, you are always trying to improve and grow your relationship. For you, sex should be a spontaneous adventure. Overall, you are magnetic, inspiring, and a charmer. However, you tend to get bored and want to change partners frequently. Best matches: INFJ and INTJ

You Are 85% Sexy

Your Sex Appeal Is: Off the Charts! Let's face it... you're one of the sexiest people around. And you don't let anyone forget it. You're crazy hot, and you deliver on what you promise. You are definitely one wild ride.

The Part of You That No One Sees

You are balanced, peaceful, and sincere. You're the type of person who goes along to get along. And you're definitely afraid of rocking the boat. Underneath it all, you fear your world falling apart. You'll put up with a situation that you don't like in fear of changing it. Disruptive and forceful people intimidate you - and sometimes exploit you.

Your Lust Quotient: 75%

You are a very lustful person - and it sometimes gets the better of you! You know how to hold back, but you hardly ever do.

Your Passion is Yellow

You're a total sexual shape shifter. You possess a complex sex drive and are very adaptable. Of all the colors, you are the most likely to be bisexual. While you the most passionate, you are very open minded.

You Are 48% Spoiled

You're a little spoiled, but you're not spoiled rotten. You love to be showered with gifts and affection, but you're good at keeping your demands to a minimum!

what... you mean i'm not completely spoilt? lol.

Your Dominant Thinking Style: Visioning

You are very insightful and tend to make decisions based on your insights. You focus on how things should be - even if you haven't worked out the details. An idealist, thinking of the future helps you guide your path. You tend to give others long-term direction and momentum.

You Are a Strawberry Daiquiri

You're a fun, playful drinker who loves to party. You may get totally wasted, but you're always a happy drunk!

i think i've done enough blogthings for the day. :)

sometimes, my insecurities do get the better of me.
sometimes, i wonder about the possible opportunities that is in store for you.
sometimes, i wonder if my role would change.

sometimes, i just do a little too much thinking.
so thank you for reassuring me. :)

hearts 23:16:00
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what happens when all that you're running away from is exactly what you've been looking for?
will you stop and turn back for all that you've thrown out, discarded as you flee?
will you carry on in your race and never look back, learning the art of amnesia along the way?

what will you do?
what will you do?

hearts 22:40:00
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dedicated to my mum who reads my blog but whom i rarely acknowledge in this ever-growing blog of mine

A mother's love is like an island
In life's ocean vast and wide,
A peaceful, quiet shelter
From the restless, rising tide.

A mother's love is like a fortress
And we seek protection there
When the waves of tribulation
Seem to drown us in despair.

A mother's love is a sanctuary
Where our soul can find sweet rest
From the struggle and the tension
Of life's fast and futile quest.

A mother's love is like a tower
Rising far above the crowd,
And her smile is like the sunshine
Breaking through a threatening cloud.

A mother's love is like a beacon
Burning bright with Faith and Prayer
And through the changing scenes of life
We can find a haven there....

For a mother's love is fashioned
After God's enduring love,
It is endless and unfailing
Like the love of Him above.

For God knew in His great wisdom
That he couldn't be everywhere,
So he put His little Children
In a loving mother's care.

-- Helen Steiner Rice's A Mother's Love

you messaged me today. you questioned the disparity between two families and wondered out loud why is it so. i couldn't answer for i believe that one can only figure out her own emotions on their own, for it takes a lifetime for one to know another and i've only known you for less than half of yours.

my life - the greatest gift you've ever given unto me.
your love - the most beautiful gift any individual could shower me in unconditionally.

despite my many flaws, despite the many heartbreaks i collected in my ways of life, you still took me into your arms and sheltered me from the world's harm. you despaired when you watch me stray to the dark side yet you never thought twice when i needed you by my side. you cried when things went out of hand with me yet you never failed to smile when i needed it most. you slapped me when i retorted yet the waves of acute heartache throbbed through the night in yours.

you watch me grow from nothing more than a cell in your body to who i am today. you are always on my side, never on the fence or the opposition. you doubted my decisions yet supported them fully as you believed in me.

i was truly your baby and still, at almost 22 years of age, i will always be your baby.

lotsa love from the seemingly ingrate but truly grateful daughter of yours,
clara

hearts 16:12:00
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hearts 12:27:00
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it has been raining since the night before. the lightnings flashed and thunders roared through the night. woke up to the cold breeze, completely different from the day before - the blazing hot sun and still air. as i made my way to school, my heart began to feel heavy and it started to hurt once again. i thought nothing of it, thinking it's just little miss morbid soaking up the gray skies that she love so dearly but i should have known better cos i found myself fighting back my emotions soon enough.

after my day's lessons were done with, i began my long and slow walk from the upper campus to the bus stop at the lower campus. as i walked down the steps, my ipod began to play christina milian's until i get over you and all of a sudden, i could feel the burning sensation in my eyes as i began to sniffle and fight back my tears. i began to think of him once more and wonder how long more would it take for me to move on from his death. i began to ask myself if this pain could ever go away. i stared at the stairs in front of me and remembered how i felt when i saw graduates taking photos happily just last semester. how my heart crushed and my voice begging to be released from it's prisons and out to heaven for him to hear.

it's been 8 months, it's not really long but neither is it short. i should just let the past be but i can't. how could i? i remembered in the last dream i had of him, he told me to let it all go, let him go. i woke up in tears. i've been living in constant guilt, constantly replaying that very night's event in my head. why didn't i just message him one last time? why didn't i say to him "i love you" one last time as i would normally have when he's unwell, physically or emotionally? i want to cry so badly but i can't. my tears ran out long ago and my promise to him, i must keep to it.

Woke up today thinking of you
Another night that I made my way through
So many dreams still left in my mind
But they can never come true
I press rewind and remember when
I close my eyes and I’m with you again
But in the end I can still feel the pain every time I hear your name

Chorus:
The sun won’t shine since you went away
Seems like the rain’s falling every day
There’s just one heart, where there once was two
But that’s the way it’s gotta be,
‘til I get over you…

Verse 2:
Walked through the park, in the evening air
I heard a voice and I thought you were there
I run away but I just can’t escape
Memories of you everywhere
They say that time will dry the tears
But true love burns for a thousand years
Give my tomorrows for one yesterday
Just to know that I could have you here

Bridge:
When will this river of tears stop fallin’
Where can I run so I won’t feel alone
Can’t walk away when the pain keeps callin’
I’ve just gotta take it from here on my own
But it’s so hard to let go

-- Christina Milian's Until I Get Over You

buddy, tell me that i'll see you soon.
i can't take this long-distance any longer.
no phonecalls, no messages, nothing.

how long more must this torment go on?
how long more can i handle these emotions?
buddy, tell me that i'll see you soon...

i beg of you.

hearts 23:02:00
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hearts 17:40:00
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Your Personality is Very Rare (INFP)

Your personality type is dreamy, romantic, elegant, and expressive. Only about 5% of all people have your personality, including 6% of all women and 4% of all men You are Introverted, Intuitive, Feeling, and Perceiving.

Travel Horoscope for Virgo

When you travel, you need to keep active and on the go. You want a vacation where you can keep moving and keep things exciting. You should travel to: Paris Tokyo NYC Sydney London

well, i'm in sydney. :p

Your Heart Is Red

You're a passionate lover - you always have a huge fire in your heart. Too bad it's hard for you to be passionate about just one person! Your flirting style: Outgoing and sexy Your lucky first date: Drinks and dancing Your dream lover: Is both stable and intense What you bring to relationships: Honesty

hearts 19:15:00
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like a kid in the candy store.
with no adults' supervision.

choices.
spoilt.

hearts 23:21:00
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hearts 15:51:00
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