i've been out of singapore for a week now.
it has also been 2 weeks since bird and i got together.
over the webcam, he played the keyboard and sang me Richard Marx's Right Here Waiting at 0015hrs. the time we got together. i was so touched and my heart went soft. if only i could cry. i ran out of tears.
-----*-----relationshipsas i was on my way back from school and after spending a whopping $242.74 on 7 out of the 15 books i'm supposed to get from school, it started to rain and little miss morbid came out to greet the world again. i began to think of the peeps in singapore and sydney. how i've fared as a daughter, sister, friend, buddy and lover. and i suddenly realised i'm quite a failure when it comes to relationships.
sometimes, i do feel a tinge of regret on embarking on my dreams for an overseas education especially for theatre & performance studies. i thought of my family and realised that i've never made much effort to really communicate or care about them. not that i don't care, i do. i just don't seem to know how to express it. i've seen families that are really close-knitted but mine? we might appear close-knitted to peeps out there but at times, i feel that i'm a stranger to my family. i'm not close to my parents, especially my dad. i hardly even speak to him anymore. i would like to think i'm comfortably close to my mum yet i don't exactly feel the bond. then there's mabes who always amuses me with her constant "i look older than you la" or "i'm more matured than you" or "i've been through more than most girls my age". at times, i have to disagree with her but she would fervently deny them so i don't bother. at times, i get disappointed in her cos i feel that she can do much better. at times, i'm proud of her cos she has the courage to do what she desires. after her would be my brother, felix, whom i would love to hate cos he constantly calls me fat when he's so much bigger size than i am. i'm proud of him for being academically smart yet modest about his achievements (at least most of the time). as much as he's a male by sex and gender, i wish he could express more though, his feelings and emotions. sometimes i worry that he's harboring too much thoughts and emotions within. then of course, there's my impish little sister, sonia. she annoys me at times with her childish antics cos i constantly forgets that she is, afterall, just a 9 years old kid. still, i'm proud to call her my sister cos she's so matured for her age and i believe she'll turn out to be a fine young lady. one of my biggest regrets, i guess, would be that amongst my family members, she's the one who had the least opportunities to spend time with me cos i've been overseas since she was 7 years old.
and there's bird as well. the other day, i started apologizing to him for not being able to spend more time with him. though we spend a month-odd dating, we have only been together as a couple for merely a week before i left for sydney and i feel bad that he has to deal with this when he could have not. he has been so understanding, so loving and i wonder what in the world have i done to deserve such a man. inevitably, i started to think of mervin and wonder if my decision to go overseas were right for us. at the same time, i told myself that if he truly loved me, he would have supported my decision and stayed by my side. was a little disappointed that despite the numerous tries, we still didn't work out. however, i'm also grateful that he let me go cos if not, i would never have met bird and let bird into my life. my days would have never became the lovely spring that it's in now, rather than cold winter that i've been enduring.
after a while, i got to thinking about my friends. the mambo laydees, woof and a few others that i know are going through a moment of confusion, sorrow and they need support. i feel bad that i'm unable to be there by their side to comfort them and assure them that they will have a better future or secure the job of their dreams. right now, my major concerns are for ingrid, zhongying and woof. i can't express how much i wanna be by their side. then i start to hate myself for being selfish, for being so far away. yet i know that nobody can pursue my dreams except myself and i'm glad that they have been so understanding. i really treasure their friendships much. of course, the biggest regret amongst all is herng jye. at times, i start to wonder. if i had been in singapore more, would he have still went down that path? if i was there for him, would he have left us behind? if? if... he is probably the first person who started me to wonder if i made the right choice to come down under. i miss him so much. if only he knew how much i agonized over this decision before making my way here. i remember asking him once, "bud, what if i have a relationship in sydney and it didn't work out. you won't be there to comfort me and take care of me. how how how?" and i will always remember his answer, "i'm just a phonecall away. i'll pick up your call, no matter what time." my lifelong regret will be losing him to the devil. i'm sorry.
i'm really a failure in relationships. lol. maybe i'll gain help in my sociology module, seeing that it touches on relationships.
you said you'll pick up my call, no matter the time.
then i realised that it could only hold true, if you held your end of the promise.
but i'll still hold my end of the promise, i'll no longer cry.
tears will not roll on my cheeks any longer, whether in private or public, unless for theatric performances.
i rather swallow and harbor all my emotions than to let even a single drop escape through.
i miss you.
