Sometimes I run
Sometimes I hide
Sometimes I'm scared of you
But all I really want is to hold you tight
Treat you right
Be with you day and night
Baby all I need is time
-- taken from Britney Spears' Sometimes
this particular verse has been stuck in my head for a very long time. at first i wondered if you referred to the situation that i was in, but i know it's not. then i wondered what this verse was trying to say to me.
mr. supper came to look for me late yesterday. after finishing our late supper at geylang, he drove me back home but we decided to sit at the void deck and have a chat. as we talked, inevitably we began to talk about spiritual stuff. about how i've been running. how i've been struggling. how my desire wanes on and off.
i spoke about my fears of going home. fears of being judged. fears of being treated differently. fears of losing even more peeps in my life. i spoke about bud. how after losing him, i've been pushing everyone's support away. most tried to support me through but i refused to allow them into my darkest thoughts. not even in my secret blog, do i reveal my innermost feelings and thoughts. mr. supper mentioned that maybe that's His way of telling me that it's time to stop leaning on all of these supports and lean on Him for it instead.
then i recalled how in my previous appointment, mr. getzjedi was asking me slightly before i left the chalet, "with your strength or His strength?" and i mentioned it to mr. supper. mr. supper replied that it's very obvious that you're struggling with all of these baggages and you refuse to let them be taken away. i just stared into space. then he said, "to make a really blunt statement, your bud might have be taken out of your life precisely cos you've been leaning on him too much. all your support pillars have collapsed and now, you're supporting everything on your own." i remained silence and wondered to myself, did i really cause bud's death in the spiritual sense?
we started talking about the retreat i briefly attended and how the last sermon i've heard was, "wasting of an individual's life". i knew He was calling out for me. i could hear His cries but still i ran. earlier in the retreat, mr. supper was already speaking to me about how each time something happens to me and hits me hard emotionally, i'll take the path that just goes down, down, down. he said i was spiralling out of control - really out of control. then i heard the words He wish for me to hear once again just before i leave.
i was really lost for words many times in the wee hours of the morning as i paused and pondered over the things said, over the things revealed. i know He has been calling me home for a very long time but i just keep on running and running cos i was afraid. i was afraid of the prophecy that was made by a lady in a church in Sydney. i was afraid of how each time i return home, someone in my life walks away. i was afraid of how i will be looked at as i begin to live with my family once again.
mr. supper must have sensed all of my insecurities and said, "don't worry. you'll marry. you'll settle down". i looked at him, bewildered - how did he know? i blanked out and finally i asked him, "how do you know? nobody believes i'm the settling type". he replies, "that's cos of how you look on the outside". then i paused again and suddenly i said it out loud, "i have a very strong feelin that i will not live long. not because of my decadent lifestyle but because i feel that i'm here to fulfill some duties." i looked at him and questioned what could these duties be? what could they possibly be? life is too tiring to carry on even without all of these questions. he said to me, "it's the sharing of your life that is your duty".
granted. this isn't the first time my brothers and sisters have been telling me that my life will be a great testimony to others out there. this isn't the first time my brothers and sisters have been telling me that with my life stories, i might be able to bring back some estranged siblings of ours as well. i always laughed it off and said my life stories are nothing. nothing compared to others out there. but this morning, i was stumped. really stumped.
i'm tired of this burden.
i'm tired of wondering.
i'm tired of running.
and maybe that's why that verse is stuck in my head. cos sometimes i run, sometimes i hide, sometimes i'm scare of you. but really, Daddy, all i want is to hold You tight.
will You hold me tight and never let me go?
I don’t need a lot of things
I can get by with nothing
Of all the blessings life can bring
I’ve always needed something
But I’ve got all I want
When it comes to loving you
You’re my only reason
You’re my only truth
I need you like water
Like breath, like rain
I need you like mercy
From heaven’s gate
There’s a freedom in your arms
That carries me through
I need you
You’re the hope that moves me
To courage again
You’re the love that rescues me
When the cold winds, rage
And it’s so amazing
’cause that’s just how you are
And I can’t turn back now
’cause you’ve brought me too far
I need you like water
Like breath, like rain
I need you like mercy
From heaven’s gate
There’s a freedom in your arms
That carries me through
I need you
Oh yes I do
I need you like water
Like breath, like rain
I need you like mercy
From heaven’s gate
There’s a freedom in your arms
That carries me through
I need you
Oh yes I do
I need you
I need you
-- taken from LeAnn Rimes' I Need You
