i don't dare to sleep.
i don't wanna wake up to the next day.
neither do i wanna see the sunrise.

i don't wanna realise that the very next night, i'll be on my knees, crying once again for you to hear.
i don't wanna realise that the very next night, i'll be reduced to nothing but a shrimp on my bed as i recount our memories.

i don't wanna.
i don't wanna.

we were supposed to be buddies for life.
but i'm still here.
and you're not.
and it hurts. it really hurts.

hearts 03:25:00
0 spoken words

hearts 00:03:00
0 spoken words

photo taken by dav
editted by lala
florascope taken from NZgirl

hearts 18:41:00
0 spoken words

hearts 16:53:00
0 spoken words

It is good to have an end to journey toward; but it is the journey that matters, in the end.

-- Ursula LeGuin

and so i believe that for us, it is good. i will treasure the memories we had, smile as i recall the love we once shared and tear for the times i must have broken your heart. but still, it's the journey that mattered and for that, i thank you for being my companion in this journey that had to end. though deep within, i wish the journey didn't have to end and you could be my companion through life, i know that this is for the best.

What you do every day should contribute to giving your life meaning. If it doesn't, why are you doing it?

-- Don Hutcheson

have i done anything that might have contributed to giving my life a meaning? how can we know if what we're doing could one day possibly be giving our lives a meaning of some sorts? we will never know can we? still, the wise will always say to learn from others' mistake but my retort will always be the same. how can we learn when we've never experienced?

hearts 23:59:00
0 spoken words

hearts 20:15:00
0 spoken words

in 4 days time, it would be 4 months since i last said goodbye to you.
in 4 days time, i would revisit our memories once more.
in 4 days time, prayers will be my only communication tool with you.
in 4 days time, will you come visit me once more?

4 days to 4 months.
never have 4 months seem so long yet so short.
i miss you, buddy.
i miss you.

hearts 15:31:00
0 spoken words

had a sudden thought to search for my old blog today and i found it. reading through it, i just kept smiling.

all the declarations of love i made. all the childish antics i subjected him to. 17 years of age. look at me now. lol.

time can really weather a soul.

hearts 04:12:00
0 spoken words

hearts 03:05:00
0 spoken words

i thought it won't matter to me no more. then i saw those words "when you sulk, i weep" in your msn personal message and a train of thoughts just came flooding in.

who is the "you" you're talking about? i truly wonder. you used to tell me stuff but now silence is our only way of communication.

i should be letting go.
i should be.
pardon me if it's taking quite a while.
i just never really wanted to let go...

but i should.

hearts 15:34:00
0 spoken words

hearts 01:55:00
0 spoken words

dav: you sound as if you want a good guy.

i blanked out for a moment when she uttered that sentence. i mean, seriously, who doesn't want a good guy in their life, especially if that good guy is their love? look around us. we all yearn for that special someone, except for those who have already found that special someone, who can listen to all our bullshit, wipe away our tears, bring on a smile onto our faces and simply be the one person who can love us, despite the time, the distance and the what-nots.

it's not my fault (maybe it is but for now, lemme assume that it's not my fault - it is my blog afterall) that i'm somehow only attracted to bad-ass guys who can only hurt me towards the end. of course there are good guys in my life but for most part, i'm frightened by their antics and sweet nothings. don't get me wrong. i love sweet nothings but just not from the good guys (don't ask me why, i'm just weird). maybe it's because i feel that i can't love them as much as they love me and maybe that's why i'm frightened. being me, i rather get hurt (so all the blame would not be on me - i'm evil so sue me) than to hurt the other party.

zhongying & ingrid: you know what i think? i think you just love the challenges these guys give. it's like you never seem to get them.

and of course, my beautiful girl pals will always hit the nail. it's true. those challenges are probably the one thing that really kept me going in my long-term relationships. the moment i get them, i seem to lose interest. except for maybe one person but of course, i won't have to utter his name cos everyone knows who he is (if you don't, you're probably not my friend).

still, i would love to be able to find a good guy (with some bad-ass attitude and challenges to keep me entertained) who will watch the sunset and sunrise with me, listen to my craps as i listen to his, wipe away my tears as i wipe away his and knowing i can bring a smile onto his face like he can bring a smile onto mine. ah. the beauty of hope.

the architect from matrix reloaded: hope, it is the quintessential human delusion, simultaneously the source of your greatest strength, and your greatest weakness.

hearts 21:58:00
0 spoken words

September 11th 2001, was the day of the terrorist attacks in New York City and other geographical points in the USA. The movie focus on the attacks to the World Trade Center towers, when two airplanes were hijacked and crashed on them that day in the morning. John McLoughlin (Nicolas Cage), was one of the police officers from the NYPD, who set one team to get into one of the towers and try to help to evacuate the building, among other crews of firemen and paramedics. Nevertheless, the collapse of the two towers took by surprise the team formed by 5 men and lead by McLoughlin, becoming trapped under the debris. McLoughlin and his team-mate Will (Michael Peña) are about to begin a traumatic period of time, unable to move a finger, feeling a killing thirst, with dangerous fires burning their bodies, dust and rubbles falling on their faces and the worst: unable to know whether some rescue team would come and spots them. Outside things aren't going well either. McLoughlin's wife (Maria Bello), with 5 children, is suffering watching on TV all the tragedy, aware of the fact that her husband was inside the building. Meanwhile, Will's pregnant wife (Maggie Gyllenhaal), finds herself passing through the same hell, wanting to know some news about her husband. Time is running for John and Will, whilst both of them are remembering their most happy days with their families, fearing that if they close their eyes for sleep, could be the last time.

caught this movie today and i cried. i remember crying when i saw the event unfold before my eyes on the 11th sept 2001 and now, i'm crying again once more as i see the courage held within those 5 police officers who went bravely in. 3 of them never came out alive, only John and Will, who were the 18th and 19th people to be rescued successfully from the site. only 20 people survived the collapsing towers.

as i watched the film, i laugh at the silliness as they recounted their lives with their family. smiled brightly as i hear them talk about the love of their lives. teared as they talk about their regrets and the thought of never going home. then my thought wandered over to buddy's death. what would i have said to him differently if i knew there will not be tomorrow for us anymore? what would i have done if i knew that the very next day, he will not be there to meet me for coffee?

what would i have done?
what would i have said?
my heart broke as i saw the two wives of John and Will suffer in anguish.
i cried. not just for the thousands of people who died that day due to a man's selfish ways in life. but for the buddy i lost and whom i never had the chance to tell him that i love him for who he was and that i'll never let him walk alone in the rain anymore...

but it's too late.

hearts 21:36:00
0 spoken words

hearts 02:13:00
0 spoken words

hearts 01:05:00
0 spoken words

love.
alpha and omega.

went to church for service today for SCHOOL purposes. did i enjoy myself? not really. like a rebellious kid placed in front of mediators, who tried to get her to submit once again, i stared, i glared and i left. it's not that i don't love daddy anymore; i still do but i'm still very angry with Him. i hear them talk about how He loves us and how He watches over us. then i heard myself shouting in my head, "bullshit." where does all of these anger comes from? i don't know. probably cos of buddy. probably cos of everything. came home. ate my char siew bao and reflected on my poor behavior in church. i felt really bad for being so defiant but i tried to reason with myself. He did take buddy away. He did all of these. i mean, if He's omnipotent, omnipresent and all that omni-shit, then why did He allow buddy to die? but i still do love daddy, except now, i'm just a little lost and a little angry. love. He is love.

am tired but i refused to budge from my laptop. started to blog-hop. chanced upon quite a couple of old blogs of people i know. then the topic of love came upon me again. i read the old logs of these two individuals and i started to feel sorry and sad. then i read my own old logs - from here and my secret blog (it's secret so don't even bother asking). then i started thinking about one person - gary.

he's one guy that i'm really baffled by through out the course of 2 years that i've known him. i mean this guy genuinely cares for me. this guy made me believe that i can be loved. BUT he's married. i started wondering how life would have been like for the both of us, if not for his marital status? would we be planning for happily ever after? would we even had taken all those chances? i really don't know. i remember me telling him that i just can't help it but like guys who will only hurt me towards the end. he said he couldn't understand why and i stayed speechless.

then of course, there's always mervin. the first guy whoever really taught me how to love and be loved. he, a non-christian, was the very person who actually persuaded me to return to church after i ran away from church for a good 10 years. i remember, before being with mervin, i was this non church-going christian who firmly believe that sex before marriage is a big sin. then he came along and of course, that belief was converted. i don't know what i'm trying to drive at here but love can make a person do so many things for his/her partner that i truly find it amazing.

the in-betweeners after mervin and before gary are all just a blur to me. i recall a friend asking me, "what happened? you looked so innocent back then". death of the innocence probably came after i lost so many times in the game called Love. for a period in life, i refused to submit myself into the game, believing strongly that as long as i had buddy, i'm set for life. i can do it on my own. then of course, the very persona of love - God - decided to take him away and make my life a living hell.

then i read those blogs that i mentioned much earlier and really, i began feeling so sad for myself, especially my former self. i would have teared if i wasn't this tired. it was so painful to see how love can turn a innocent and child-like soul into nothing more than a cynical and jaded person. but i'm grateful that i actually read those blogs cos it actually made me feel alive once again and i woke up from my long slumber in cynicism. at a time when everything seems to be going all over the place in my life and for a person who actually craves for the theatrics of life, i finally submitted myself to a silent prayer. i prayed for a simple life. i know my past hasn't been the most perfect; probably too stained to be even considered anything but tattered old rags but i genuinely crave for some form of stability now.

but i've been on my own (sort of) for so long. i'm so used to the ambiguity of love, relationships and sex. my friend said i'm too comfortable. maybe he's right. i am too comfortable. still, i really wanna be able to blog about about some guy that i'm so completely taken over by. i wanna be able to declare to the entire world that i can finally feel once again. i wanna feel the warmth of love. i wanna rediscover how it is like to be in a proper relationship once more. i just wanna be alive - i mean really alive.

where there's love, there's no fear.
so let my guard be down,
and let my heart finally feel.
for this old soul of this young lady
only wants to be alive once again.

note: mum, i know you're reading all of these so please don't panic and send me sms asking me if i'm alright cos i am alright. :p just in my those train-of-thoughts moment again.

hearts 01:48:00
0 spoken words

decided on a date.
gonna call by tuesday to change the flight.

message me privately to find out the date.
i don't feel like revealing it here.

hearts 20:34:00
0 spoken words

the fight. the running. the chasing.

memories were brought forth once again. i'm tired. mentally, physically, spiritually. i am tired. i read my past logs once again. those memory videos of us just came flooding back.

i was reminded of the day we finally went sentosa together, after me bugging you for like the longest time possible. i recalled your unhappy face and our argument at tiong bahru plaza. i recalled jeffrey leaving with his then girlfriend and him supposedly to meet us back there later. i saw myself running away from you at the mall cos i was so upset with you. i remembered you running after me and standing in front of me as i cried, leaning against the pillar. i recalled them all - the hugs, the kisses. everything.

i saw myself in him, as he ran. i saw you in her, as she ran after. the torment that i must have put you through - i'm really sorry. i've changed. you've changed. but there's still one thing constant. i wanna put an end to that constant, i really do. as i glance back to the past, i can't see the pain, the hurt; i can only see you and i in complete bliss.

my friend used to tell me that i live in a fantasy world. i dream of happily ever after with my prince charming who will come riding down in a white horse to take me away. is it wrong to dream? i wonder. i'm a cynic but when it comes to love, really, i'm still a child. i think it's so beautiful for a couple to be able to find true love. it's so beautiful to see old couples holding hands, guiding each other across the street. i still see us at times.

but i've made too many mistakes. too many. all i have left to say is i'm sorry but i know it doesn't mean a thing to you anymore. i remember you telling me to stop saying sorry because it doesn't make any difference. you're right. it didn't cos the event has already occurred.

now, i can only smile back as i watch those videos unfold. i can only cry as i try my hardest to let you go. i can only pray that one day i'll finally meet a man who can love me the way you once did and that i can finally love, love so innocently like before. i can only hope that my guard will finally be down and i can learn to trust a man with all my heart and soul once again.

you are the only one that i so willingly entrusted my entire life to.
you are the only one that i still pray for happiness and true love.
you are the only one that will always have a significant and special place in my heart.

these won't change.
no matter where i am, who i'm with, what i'm doing -
these won't change.

i promise i will try and let go once again.
and for the last time,
i'm sorry.

hearts 04:52:00
0 spoken words

just finished my philosophy essay on death. i think it's probably my 4th time doing a topic on similar subjects. my first was in secondary school where i scored a high distinction for my essay on "Saying Goodbye". i probably was the only morbid one in class cos everybody wrote a narrative composition on it but i wrote an expository on it regarding death.

then years later, i began writing more about death for school or leisure purposes. the most distinct i could recall was probably my 3rd attempt on the topic - Goodbye - for my photojournalism portfolio. i had a hard time doing it cos i had said goodbye to myself. wayne probed and nudged me. asking me to feel once again. i felt and finally i managed to get a B for my portfolio.

now, as i write about death once again, it hit home so much more. the impact is so much greater. why? is it cos of buddy's death? is it cos of the deaths surrounding me? in less than a year, i've been dealt with 2 deaths. in less than a year, i probably never feared so much of losing someone dear to me. i still recall how i dismissed buddy's death as a joke when yuna first called me. i swear i would have ran away from the white tent with all my might, if it would mean you would still be alive today.

i still can't believe that you're gone. every morning that i'm awake, i just feel pain. i'm so numb of all my emotions but still, the pain could be felt. i wonder if i'll ever see you again. i wonder if i'll ever hold your hands once more. i wonder if you'll hug me again. these tears that i cry, will you ever wipe them off for me once more? i silently wonder.

death. i seem to know it so well. from every possible perspective of that word, i've been trying to familiarize myself with it's concept but still, i can't seem to grasp it well.

tell me you're happy now.
tell me you're living fine.

i'm going back home soon (though i haven't booked my tickets) yet there's a dreading feeling within me. you won't be there to pick me up for late suppers. you won't be there for me to share the many events that occurred whilst i'm here. you won't be there to tell me all that has happened to you. nope. you won't be there. once again, i'll be isolated to just a simple one-way conversation as i make my way down to choa chu kang columbarium. that's all i have left. that's all i have to left...

hearts 01:16:00
0 spoken words

what happens when i get bored?
i do all the weirdest quizzes available. :p

You're A Passed Out Drunk

Drinking gives you that warm fuzzy feeling, until you're thrown in the back of a police car...

haha. that's not new.

You Are 50% Boyish and 50% Girlish

You are pretty evenly split down the middle - a total eunuch. Okay, kidding about the eunuch part. But you do get along with both sexes. You reject traditional gender roles. However, you don't actively fight them. You're just you. You don't try to be what people expect you to be.

damn. i was hoping to be a boy. :(

You Are 80% Weird

You're more than quirky, you're downright strange. But you're also strangely compelling, like a cult leader.

my mum would be disappointed to learn i'm not 100% weird. :x

You Are 60% Cynical

Yes, you are cynical, but more than anything, you're a realist. You see what's screwed up in the world, but you also take time to remember what's right.

i'm still not cynical enough. :(

You Are From Mercury

You are talkative, clever, and knowledgeable - and it shows. You probably never leave home without your cell phone! You're witty, expressive, and aware of everything going on around you. You love learning, playing, and taking in all of what life has to offer. Be careful not to talk your friends' ears off, and temper your need to know everything.

i knew i wasn't from Earth.

You Will Die at Age 55

Not bad, considering your super wild lifestyle Want to live longer? Try losing a few bad habits.

what? so old? :(

You Are a Natural Flirt

Believe it or not, you're a really effective flirt. And you're so good, you hardly notice that you're flirting. Your attitude and confidence make you a natural flirt. And the fact that you don't know it is just that more attractive!

gee. right. i'm sure this is so wrong.

You Are 28% Lady

You tend to make up your rules of etiquette, throwing all conventions aside. And while you try to be a lady (sometimes), your behavior is often quite shocking.

finally! something i agree on.

Your Seduction Style: Prized Object

The seduction game you play is tried, true, and still effective: hard to get. You know that the best seducers turn the tables - and get their crush to seduce them. The one running has the power, and you're a challenge that is worth the chase. You are a master of enticing and pulling back. Giving a little and taking some away. You are controlled enough to know rewards come after a long seduction dance. Even though you want to call, email, or say "I love you" first - you don't! You're style is the perfect mix of hot and cold - so much so that you have many suitors. Think Holly Golightly from Breakfast at Tiffany's ... or any of those creepy guys from the Bachelor. You're skilled at inspiring a chase. The real test is picking the person to slow down for.

er... BIG "ERRRR"

You Are 21 Years Old

Under 12: You are a kid at heart. You still have an optimistic life view - and you look at the world with awe. 13-19: You are a teenager at heart. You question authority and are still trying to find your place in this world. 20-29: You are a twentysomething at heart. You feel excited about what's to come... love, work, and new experiences. 30-39: You are a thirtysomething at heart. You've had a taste of success and true love, but you want more! 40+: You are a mature adult. You've been through most of the ups and downs of life already. Now you get to sit back and relax.

-gasp- shock me more. -bleah-

Your Dominant Intelligence is Linguistic Intelligence

You are excellent with words and language. You explain yourself well. An elegant speaker, you can converse well with anyone on the fly. You are also good at remembering information and convicing someone of your point of view. A master of creative phrasing and unique words, you enjoy expanding your vocabulary. You would make a fantastic poet, journalist, writer, teacher, lawyer, politician, or translator.

i'm bored of the tests. nothing shocking at all. :(

hearts 03:05:00
0 spoken words

hearts 01:34:00
0 spoken words

i wanna run away to neverland, holding your hands whilst we fly around in joy and laughter.

i miss you so much, buddy.

will you whisk me away to neverland?
please say you will.
i miss you.

hearts 16:32:00
0 spoken words

talked to mum last night.
she said it's time i let him go.
it's time for me to let the matter rest.
it's time for me to move on from that darkness.

i kept quiet for a while, fighting back my tears.
i wanted to tell her it's too difficult.
i wanted to tell her it's too painful.
i wanted to tell her that it haunts me night and day.

how am i to let go when i'm constantly reminded by the fact that i was the last, besides her, engaged in a conversation with him?
how am i to let go when i, of all people, got upset with him cos he hadn't met up with me earlier and i delayed our promised meeting?

i blame nobody for his death but myself.
i see myself as the perpetrator.
i always thought of myself as a good friend but what am i now?
i stare into the mirror and i can only see sadness.

he was a good buddy to me, always there to guide me and hold my hands through all the turmoils in my life.
yet, i failed. i failed so terribly that he resorted to suicide to ease away the pain and suffering he was going through alone.

it's too painful.
it's too painful for me to even think for a split second that i should let him go.
cos i did and the end result was his death.

i'm sorry, buddy, i really am.
when i finally meet you again, i wanna say to you how sorry i am and i hope you'll forgive me.
i really hope so.

hearts 22:39:00
0 spoken words

Never Date a Cancer

Clingy, emotional, and very private - it's hard to escape a Cancer's clutches. And while Cancer will want to know everything about you, they're anything but open in return. Instead try dating: Leo, Sagittarius, Gemini, or Aquarius

i've dated 2 leos, 1 sagittarius and 1 gemini i think. the elusive one is the aquarius but i think i'll pass on it. lazy to experiment for now. :p

hearts 17:41:00
0 spoken words

hearts 03:09:00
0 spoken words

hearts 02:50:00
0 spoken words

hearts 02:30:00
0 spoken words

i took this test before but the result is still the same

You Are a Visionary Soul

You are a curious person, always in a state of awareness. Connected to all things spiritual, you are very connected to your soul. You are wise and bright: able to reason and be reasonable. Occasionally, you get quite depressed and have dark feelings. You have great vision and can be very insightful. In fact, you are often profound in a way that surprises yourself. Visionary souls like you can be the best type of friend. You are intuitive, understanding, sympathetic, and a good healer. Souls you are most compatible with: Old Soul and Peacemaker Soul

my friend was telling me that i had a weak heart. he said i appeared strong but has alot of fears. what he says is true but what he doesn't know is that my biggest fear has already came true - when i lost buddy...

hearts 01:58:00
0 spoken words

i thought i saw you today at eddy's avenue. the guy must have thought i was mad cos i was staring so hard at him.

i feel like i'm going mad. seeing you everywhere. it's not healthy. i'm stressing myself out. i should be over the death... but i just am not.

tell me what to do.
tell me...

hearts 22:28:00
0 spoken words

received a good news from desmond about an hour or so ago.

area 11 npcc clinched champs once again in inter-area project-based competition. :) what wonderful and beautiful news. congrats guys and girls!

hearts 03:18:00
0 spoken words

i took it off today cos i was cleaning up my bathroom. i left it on my table and watch it reflect the sun's rays. it didn't wanna be removed when i tried to get it off. it seemed to be stuck but after much tugging, it finally did come off.

after cleaning up the bathroom and my room, i stared at it. my eyes squinting from the reflection of the sun's rays. i tried to put it back on but it started to feel really heavy. i was wondering what's wrong? has it shrunk under the sun? or have i grown?

i took it off today cos i was cleaning up my heart, mind and soul. i left it in the sunny rays of hope, watching it finally glow. it didn't wanna go when i tried to get it off. it seemed to be too comfortable but after much persuasion, it finally did come off.

hearts 13:49:00
0 spoken words

it has been 3 months. it seems so weird that 3 months since your passing seems to matter so much to me. i remember how we can not meet for months and not talk for days and i'll still be fine cos i know you're living fine. now, it's like i am living in a constant trance-state manner, hoping to wake up one day to your phonecall.

i've never felt so numb for so long. my emotions seem to have gone into complete overdrive and died on me. i wish you could pinch me and say wake up. i wish you were here to listen to my woes still. i don't know who to turn to, now that you're gone. it's like everything is just swallowed down into my stomach. silence is my voice now.

i am not allowed to fall.

hearts 23:10:00
0 spoken words