Gary,
Don’t think I should be calling you dear now if I’m going to type this to you. Over the past 7 months that we’ve been together, you’ve brought me much joy and much laughter, something that I sorely missed since Mervin left my life. Yet, above that, I’ve cried a lot as well and it has been agonising for me to reach this conclusion.
You see, in the beginning when we started, I told you that I can’t afford to get hurt again but still, I took the risk in loving you with as much as I could allow myself to. When I found out about Valerie about a week into our relationship, I was completely shattered. Maybe to you, at that point in time, I didn’t love you but I cried a lot as I made that painful decision. That’s why when you send me those messages, I relented and went back to you.
Over the past 7 months, I’ve came to terms that I’ll never be able to get you to leave her or love me the way you loved her. I will never be the Queen of your heart, nor your wife. I still remember very distinctively during that phone conversation about Joel, how you were so frustrated and said that you’ve been trying to set things straight for me. I even recall the bust-up we had at Raffles City Shopping Centre and you told me over the phone that you’ve broken up with her, only to be told later that it’s an exaggerated lie.
I keep telling myself to press on, stick to the two months’, and let us be happy for the two months. I tried my best to contain myself and my fluctuating emotions. I keep telling myself that if I keep to my promise, you would too. But now I’m wondering, do you even remember what you told me you were going to do, 2 months ago?
When I asked you that earlier in our phone conversation, you said you have forgotten. Let me tell you what you promised. You said you wanted to create a future for the both of us. You said you wanted your family and friends to accept me. You said that once you settled all these, we will try out for long-distance relationship. I expressed my concerns about such a relationship and you said that maybe you’ll move over at the end of your contract or you could visit every 6 months. You even went to the extent of saying that you wish to pop the question to me.
Silly me. Really. I actually believed everything you said to be true. I waited for things to happen, only for more phone calls to be rejected and messages left without replies during the weekends. When you were admitted to hospital, you probably thought that I didn’t care about you. Yet, you never really cared about my feelings. I could only visit you at hours like 2200hrs, after your parents and she left. I couldn’t be there without having to hide first but I guess the most painful part of it was when, in front of me, you told your cousin that I’m just a friend and even proceed to talk about her. The constant reminder of her position in your family was emphasized further when they just kept calling her, “sister”.
I’ve really became very tired. I don’t mean to give you so much trouble and annoyance during the weekends. You never cared for my feelings and I guess, I never cared about yours too. When I heard over the phone how you liked things to be the way it is now, I realised that I’ve been a big fool in believing that you really wanted US to have a happily ever after. How naïve and foolish can a girl be? Whenever I want to talk about my feelings, you would change topic or not listen and I’ve to just play along when my heart hurts like fuck all the time.
You’ve been trying very hard to keep my spirits up the past two weeks. I know that and I’m really very thankful for this two weeks. Yet, I’ve also realised that you have absolutely no intentions to carry out what you said you would and, well, you wanted me to remain in my status quo. You really think that I won’t leave you right? You probably think that no matter what, I’ll still run back to you.
The memories that we shared in Cherating and Ubin were really the only things that kept me going for so long. There, I felt as if I was alone with you – away from everything and everyone. Even when her image popped into my head once in a while during those getaways, I was contented to just having you to myself. Yet, each time the trip comes to an end, I know as well that time is running out for us. I couldn’t hold up like I could in the beginning. I wasn’t able to be nonchalant and just react as if there were nothing between us at all.
I still remember during one of our numerous KTV sessions, you asked me why I like to ask you to sing the song, “Lian Xi” by Andy Lau. Let me explain to you now. Right from the point where I found out about her and your almost 8 years long relationship, every single day and night was spent in preparation for the possible break-up. I was prepared to throw in the towel at any point of the relationship and was even more prepared that one day, you’ll just walk out of my life.
You made a lot of promises to me through out these 7 months and almost none came true. This particular period in my life is probably one of the most difficult. I was thinking to myself, telling myself that if you stayed by my side, everything will be so much better and so much easier to get by. Then I realise today that that’s not going to happen as I’m tired. I’m giving up.
When your last message said to me, “what do you want me to say? ?” I knew there and then that we’ve lost. Our relationship can no longer be salvaged or maintained. You’ve taken liberty that I will never leave and made full use of it. I’ve taken liberty in believing that you’ll make those words come true. I’m equally at fault for causing this relationship to fail. I acknowledged that I’ve been a bad girlfriend and had never been understanding enough towards your wants and needs.
So now, as this letter comes to an end, I also say goodbye to you for one last time. I’ve decided to give up, decided that I don’t want to be in this relationship further. It’s painful for me to make this decision and you have no idea how much I’m crying as I type this letter out to you. I made the decision to break up with you and I really hope this letter will let you know better how I really felt and what I was really thinking through out this relationship.
I wrote this letter on Friday morning and wanted to give it to you when you came to look for me later that day. You asked me why my eyes were swollen and I just kept evading the question. I cried a lot, close to nearly 4 hours of pure crying. Mervin had to comfort me, telling me that everything will be fine. The irony.
When you finally called me back last night and that conversation followed, my heart just died. I’ve been trying to hang on to that string, then I realised that it wasn’t a string but a snake that wanted to kill me. You had made your point clearly across to me and I think, I did too. Valerie and you have my blessings. I will leave. That’s what you want, isn’t it? I’ll grant it to you.
I’ve been waiting for a miracle for this relationship but it never came. I’ve been waiting for happiness to knock on my door but it decided others needed it first. I came after her and I should be the one leaving so now, I thank you for every thing that you’ve done. I just hope that you really did love me at some point in time of this relationship and it wasn’t all about “nei-nei” and sex. And lastly, I’m sorry but I have to leave.
The girl who loved you,
Clara
