I've been at home rotting for the past 2 days, mainly because he's in camp. But today! Hah! Today I stepped out of my house and went for a good swim and a hilarious bowling session at Chinese Swimming Club. Damn. Should have brought my camera down today.
It was about 1930hrs when my brother and I decided to join my sister at Chinese Swimming Club where she was bowling. I packed my swimming stuff and headed down with my brother. On the way there, my brother was telling me how worn out he is by the swarm of activities my parents had so enthusiastically signed him up for. I mean, he's 14 years old. He's in Hwa Chong Institute. He's doing canoeing (I think?), sailing and bowling competitively, meaning most of his days and hours are spent on trainings. Let's not forget that he's taking a third language - German - as well and he has regular golf practices.
He told me that he feels that my parents has wrongfully invested all the money in him and that he's getting very weary. Knowing my parents, they'll think that it's just another excuse to wiggle our way out of something we don't like to do. Quoting my mum, her favorite phrase is "
sometimes, you just gotta do things that you don't like." I remember how she frowned when I wanted out from my abacus, my music and then subsequently, drama cos I was just too tired. From the age of 6 years, I was taking two different music courses - both playing Electone by the way -, abacus lessons and drama lessons. There's the compulsory swimming session with my family, which felt more like training sessions cos my Dad would criticise my every stroke to the maximum.
I snapped at the age of 10. I dropped out. For the first time in my life, I dropped out of a course. I dropped out of abacus. My abacus teacher asked me to carry on cos I scored one of the highest in class for a national examination but well, I just left. Onwards to secondary school, I dropped out of my music course. Drama had always been my only solace. I've given up on swimming as well by then and I thought maybe, just maybe, I'll have enough energy to finish off my drama course but it wasn't. I finally gave into pressure and left drama last year. I still recalled how I cried over that decision but I had no choice. Depression was making me feel so worthless and useless. Acting was a good getaway but I often took on roles of tormented souls and that made me even more depressed.
Then I dropped out of my medication course. LOL. I decided to stop taking anti-depressants cos for one, my mum thinks that I'm just pretending despite calls from the doctors telling her that I AM REALLY DEPRESS. My father was UNHAPPY that I'm depress, thinking that I brought it upon myself. I was laughing to myself when all these happened. It's like being depressed is a crime. I had to seek medical help on my own, pay for the medication on my own and hopefully, get well on my own. I just couldn't fucking take it. Now, I might seem better but I'm closer to death than ever before.
Hearing my brother telling me that he's tired just made my heart stop. I don't want him to go through the same shit that I went through. Nobody knew the hell I went through. Some of them still think that it's just to grab attention; my brother thought my depression only occured when I was 15 years. Maybe some people did feel the vibe that something was terribly wrong with me. Maybe some people truly understood but the two people who gave me life, thought the worst of me.
Anyhow, we reached Chinese Swimming Club and I went for my swim whilst he joined my sister in bowling. Swam 6 laps whilst reminiscing the past. How my family was still a happy unit; when all the children, excluding Sonia, was still so happy. Looking at now, all of us have began on the road to the destruction. We can no longer identify with our parents. My sister has practically moved out. My brother finds it hard to communicate with them without having to pretend. Me? I just fade into oblivion.
After swimming and bathing, I went to join my brother and sister for a game of bowling. I'm a terrible bowler but I managed to hit a 96 with the help of the bumper of course. LOL. My siblings and I had a good laugh. My parents joined us there with Sonia. Sonia bowled as well, hitting 68 with the help of the bumper as well. Nobody understands the extent of my love for Sonia. Deep inside, I'm constantly praying that she'll never have to go through the things the 3 of us went through but I know it's inevitable. Already now, she's taking lessons at British Council, having Mandarin tuition and taking electone lessons.
With all these grouses in mind, did I ever blame my parents for making a tormented soul out of me? No. I knew they have my best interests in mind just that they don't realise that sometimes, all a kid needs is a little childhood to remember... to recall and smile at. I only blamed myself for never having the guts to really sit down and tell them what's going through in my head. All I can do now is just make sure Sonia will not go down the same path and be another "me". She deserves so much more and I'll sacrifice everything just to make sure she has the childhood she should have...
- 48 days -
