62 days left.

Will I be left alone or will you be by my side on 1st of June?

Dying to find out yet not very much wanting the day to come.

hearts 02:21:00
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hearts 16:38:00
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I was being unreasonable but you ignored it and just came down.
Despite the fact that you have to leave for work extremely early today, you stayed over just to coax me.

Though I still suspect that the lovey-dovey message you send me earlier was meant for her, I'm just grateful that you took the effort. However, I feel my heart closing in once again and I just wanna run away... far far away.

hearts 15:10:00
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. Dinner at Merchant Court .

Splendid and wonderful. Tainted by the only fact that I'm taken and I'm unwilling to cross the boundary. Sweet actions of thee deserved some rewards but I'm unable to fulfill.

. Wine at BarCelona .

Careful selection of wine to ensure that I'll enjoy them. Small tidbits of knowledge like the meaning of the symbolic gesture of Cheers and about the perfect concoction thought to be wine but really, just pure poison. He came and though you were not please but you remembered me saying that I wish both of you will be friends and both of you did your best.

. Chill at Eski Bar .

Chilling at the bar, your eyes were perpetually glued to the television. Tried engaging both of you in small talks and hopefully, someday, both of you will be friends...

hearts 14:10:00
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hearts 16:22:00
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hearts 16:13:00
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Your trust in me must have gone from 50% to 10%.

You said the above to me then I replied, "No. It's 0%."
You gave a shock expression.

I only corrected one of the 2 wrong figures in front of you.
I forgot to mention that there was never trust to begin with.

hearts 18:47:00
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hearts 16:06:00
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I found him.
Only problem now, does he want to be found?

hearts 17:31:00
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hearts 15:36:00
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hearts 00:39:00
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hearts 00:17:00
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I don't know why but I just keep doing things on purpose knowing that it'll hurt you.
Yet I can't get her out.

I'm really giving myself, giving us, giving you one last chance but if I can't even cross this hurdle on my own, then how can I cross the hurdle for us or with you?

My whole mind is filled with leaving, leaving, leaving and more leaving.
I wish I was more optimistic.
I wish I was more forceful.
I wish I was much stronger.
I wish I knew how to fight for the one I love.

But my wishes never come true.

hearts 02:26:00
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Mum silently consented me to go for a holiday at Club Med, Cherating Beach. Take a look at their website - http://www.clubmed.com.sg/Villages_Cherating.asp

Have been doing my enquiries about Azusa Pacific University, University of New South Wales, University of Sydney, Univerisity of Melbourne and Edith Cowan University. Downloaded their application forms and am almost ready to send it off once I received documentation from the various schools. Told him about what I was doing and he sounded rather unhappy. He kept saying, "Stay in Singapore." Then I told him, "Don't make me say the inevitable" and he kept quiet.

In a way, this 2 days spent without him by my side kinda made clear to me what I'm trying to do with this relationship. I'm like making the last ditch effort to salvage and hopefully, get him to realise that without making a decision, we'll both continue to suffer. If by the end of all these efforts, he still decides to have the best of both worlds, I guess that's pretty much it for us. I'm in a race now and my opponent is definitely no small player. I'll probably lose... badly but still, I need to complete the race.

Everybody's all hyped up about graduation. They all speak of what they wanna do after graduation whilst I just sat there and smile wistfully. My graduation is not for another 6 more months and it's my own doing. I feel really empty at times. I'm not able to reach out to anyone for fear of them saying that I'm full of myself or I wallow in self-pity. I bottle everything up that almost every night, I feel as if I'm gonna suffer an asthma attack.

I've been trying so hard to keep up with that smile, that general politeness yet slight aloof. Just trying to be the "me" everyone loves to see. Guess what, my depression has never left but I've weaned myself the medication. Though, now I'm on Valium, I still find myself wondering alot of "What ifs".

My grandpa is dying of stomach cancer but how many people knows? Doesn't really matter. 10 years ago, my grandma passed away and my grandpa and I became very different people. Now, 10 years later, my grandpa is on his way to meet him. So Lord, pardon me for asking, but can I join them 10 years later and be like what it was like during my early childhood years?

There were more things that I wanna speak about but somehow, my mind is in a state of blank.

Wise men says, only fools rush in but I can't help falling in love with you...

hearts 03:24:00
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Guess at the end of the day, I was never really the one for you.

hearts 22:26:00
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hearts 02:28:00
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hearts 01:42:00
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Waterfall has burnt my throat but I'm loving it.

hearts 02:14:00
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It has been quite a while since I went clubbing. It was a liberating experience. I enjoyed the music, enjoyed the company and everything!

It was a hilarious night tainted only by my thoughts of you. Wonder how you're doing now.

hearts 03:52:00
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Valium (diazepam) is habit forming. You can become physically and psychologically dependent on the medication. Do not take more than the prescribed amount of medication or take it for longer than is directed by your doctor. Withdrawal effects may occur if Valium (diazepam) is stopped suddenly after several weeks of continuous use. Your doctor may recommend a gradual reduction in dose.

Valium (diazepam) is in a class of drugs called benzodiazepines. Valium (diazepam) affects chemicals in the brain that may become unbalanced and cause anxiety, seizures, and muscle spasms.
Valium (diazepam) is used to relieve anxiety, nervousness, and tension associated with anxiety disorders. It is also used to treat certain types of seizure disorders and muscle spasms.
Valium (diazepam) may also be used for purposes other than those listed in this medication guide.

Before taking this medication, tell your doctor if you

• have kidney disease;
• have liver disease;
• have asthma, bronchitis, emphysema, or another respiratory disease;
• are depressed or have suicidal thoughts.

You may not be able to take Valium (diazepam), or you may require a dosage adjustment or special monitoring during treatment if you have any of the conditions listed above.

hearts 13:43:00
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hearts 13:34:00
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hearts 00:44:00
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hearts 23:22:00
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Closer.

On the contrary, it seems to have pulled us apart.

hearts 04:04:00
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10 years ago

She passed away and I lost the ability to feel the sense of belonging.

Now

Will it be closure now that he might be joining you soon? Will you be happier?
Can't take another re-enactment of that particular morning 10 years ago.

I miss you, grandma.

hearts 00:12:00
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Love never dies a natural death. It dies because we don't know how to replenish its source. It dies of blindness and errors and betrayals. It dies of illness and wounds; it dies of weariness, of withering, of tarnishing.

hearts 23:57:00
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hearts 17:40:00
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hearts 14:58:00
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